Why Love Is Honest

At the heart of every enduring marriage is a covenant commitment we make to one another and a commitment that is different than any other relationship we have on earth what's different about Manchester assisting in a relationship for anyone hastening Indiana and Montana can add to Leave anyone on all and that the resting MSN turn it over to the light, and thank you you cannot wait to this his family life today. Our hosts are David M. Wilson and Bob looking you can find someone family like today.com does transparency or honesty threatened, covenant or commitment in your marriage you ever pull back from being fully honest because you're afraid of how your spouse might respond to talk about that more today. Stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us there's a movie that if I'm ever watching TV and just channel surfing and I click and that movie is on okay what is I'm in number. The signs, that's a close second. Right I'll stop on that I will know God for the next job. Right click on that one though the movie for me is a few good men, especially if I'm CM Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson in the courtroom. You are yet that Demi Moore is in there as well and and there is that same right of the scene.

I'm talking about where Tom Cruise is going out. Nicholson is on the witness stand and he says you want answers, and Tom Cruise says I want the truth and Nicholson others at famous line you can't handle the truth and the course catalogs become iconic in movies, but I was.

I've been thinking about marriage and I wonder how many of our marriages can handle the truth.

How many of us can handle the truth about one another in a way that is loving were talking about how to love one another better in marriage, which is the theme of the book that I just wrote called love like you mean that the came out this year, we've now created a video series for couples to go through with other couples love like you minute video series and one of the big ideas in that series is that love rejoices in the truth, love is honest and I think a lot of us as couples we think to ourselves.

If my spouse really knew the real me. I mean everything about me. We've got parts of our lives are past or our thought life or whatever else we go on telling her that she would she believe me if she knew that I ever thought anything like that. And yet if you are honest and you are received that true love, but I scary because you're just thinking I'll be rejected. So this is keep that hidden and will this maintain that it's not really gonna ever get to the intimacy. Your longing for. I'm guessing you guys may have started your marriage hiding parts of your past and your background you really want to go there about. I'm not sure that we did intentionally. Really, I just don't think that we understood the impact that our past but have in the present and in the future, but I don't think I was intentionally holding things back.

I was a man just thinking number one is irrelevant. You know and and that is good question you wanted to share everything but I just thought this is going to hurt her and it's it's better not to share or if she knows this about me.

She will respect me). The husband wants to be respected or a wife who says if he knows this about me how how could he love me if he knew this was a part of my pastor what I was thinking this is why in the series. We talk about how important it is for love to rejoice.

First of all, in the truth of God's word.

But then in the honesty between a husband and wife and we want our listeners to hear a portion of this video series we been featuring at this weekend family life today. What we think these principles from God's word can be transformative in a marriage, and going through this with other couples can be really powerful 20 put the video series together. So here's an excerpt from episode eight of love like you mean it. It's the episode that says love is honest. I remember when I first realized there's a difference between telling the truth and telling the whole truth, and it has to do with the shopping trip.

I went on one time my wife typically does her grocery shopping. I like doing grocery shopping we do it very differently when Marion goes to the grocery store. She has a list she knows what she wants to get and her objective is to go find those items put them in the cart and get out of the store and be done with it. We came to get these things. We got him let's go when I go to the grocery store I like an adventure trip. I want to see if there's anything new here, there might be something on one of these files I haven't seen before, or something like Mike calling my name.

Billy walked on an island you you see the Oreos, and yet even thinking of Oreos, but you think some really good on this particular trip, Marion was not going.

She had given me the list to follow. I had made sure to check with her whether she wanted like you want the Philadelphia cream cheese or is that the storebrand okay and you want the announcer you want the 12 on time and I wanted to come home with exactly what she was hoping I would come home with I wanted to win on this trip to the store so I got the store. I had my list and I started working my way through and I came right to the produce section and there were some grapes that were there and they were not on the list but I knew grapes were always a hit in our household. I didn't think we had any. So I thought I heard I get some grapes right time. I got a bunch of grapes and add those into the cart and then I started working my way down the list and anything was going fine, but I am going up and down every aisle and just exploring and examining things into the chip pile and that's where I saw this bag and she does and my list did not have chinos on it, but that chinos was was calling my name. It was saying take me home with you. I will make you happy and so I looked at it.

I looked at the list I thought what am I going to do because I knew it was. She goes home. My health-conscious wife would. It's like bringing contraband in right I just brought poison into our home so I wrestled for a few minutes and then I thought. I want chinos thought about chinos and put them in the bag.

Now as I'm going through the checkout line with my Cheetos. I'm thinking okay what do how do I deal with this. I came up with a plan and the plan was to hide the chinos in the garage before I ever got the house so that Marion would never even know. I bought chinos.

I could go out the garage wanted a little Cheetos fix go grab my Cheetos sheen. I wash my hands so she wouldn't see the orange on my thing. I mean, I knew how to do this right so I get home I bring the groceries in the chinos in the garage and bring the groceries in and Marion says did you find everything on the list. I said there was one thing they didn't have explained that she said did you buy anything else other than what was on the list and I remember the grapes.

I said I saw grapes I thought that would be a good idea and she smiled and was happy to have grapes and I thought great, I am now told the truth that handled the whole truth because I didn't mention the Cheetos right when I failed to calculate in this whole Cheetos caper was that this was a time in grocery stores and just begun printing out itemized lists of everything you bought your receipt had everything you bought on Marion picks up the receipt and she's putting away the groceries and she goes Cheetos and there I was busted. No fingers were not orange but I'd been found out and I had to confess that yes, I had indeed bought chinos, not to pretty trivial story.

You would think. But stop and think about this it in that moment in my wife's mind in her thinking.

She's wondering what else is, what else is even hidden from me. I mean Cheetos.

I can live with that but are there deeper, darker things. If you try to hide Cheetos. What you doing with the really serious stuff that he knows I would not be happy with that he knows would not be good for our marriage.

It was in that moment that I realized that when the Bible says love rejoices in the truth. What it's saying is that love rejoices in the truth the whole truth, not just a half-truth. In fact, a half-truth is really not truth that all you tell a partial truth. You haven't told the truth at all. Love is honest. It tells the truth. I think there are four things that are wrapped up in this idea of love rejoicing in the truth. The first thing I think it means is that love flourishes in an environment where we are able to be transparent, open, honest and real with one another, warts and all failures at all and still can love and and receive one another that the Bible uses an interesting phrase to talk about talks about a husband and wife being a good and not ashamed.

I think that's talking about physical nakedness. I think it's talking about transparency of our lives that we can be who we are with one another and we know that there's not can be kind of nation or shame that were still to love one another, even when we see the flawed parts of one another so the Bible says love rejoices in the truth that rejoices when that kind of transparency can be a part of a marriage relationship. So where dating is talk about her past and I quickly realized I had a lot more baggage than Bethany had. She'd only been in one relationship and I probably only been one serious relationship, but a lot of other things and there's no point time where I felt like for us to grow closer to truly decide if we wanted to get married. And if we wanted each other.

I need to be completely honest and just open my heart.

Her and so I did that prima shared everything I pass I had done wrong or I felt like I made a mistake on the way and for hard to not look at me any different antics that all those show me not just her love for me, but that she was lying on Christ to provide a site of what love truly was, and projecting that to me nothing that he soon freaked me out and I think even then it was sort of know I preparing my heart for what love is just leaning into those difficult things are the things that are always pretty and the conversations that are hard on getting you shared everything and anything in any more because I thought he feels safe enough to be able to talk to me about anything and feeling that carried over in our marriage rate talk to each other about things he cannot do anything else about that was kind of the intellect that would look like and feel like it just made me love him more as a person and that just made me grow closer to her. I think closer is a couple just that we are on the same page now there's nothing, nothing hiding in the closet. There is power in transparency and honesty with one another and I think when couples start to realize okay it's safe to be honest and let's be real. In some relationships. It's not safe to be honest we have to we have to be able to be safe with one another. But when we can get there and be honest and be transparent love goes deeper because it goes deeper but it's really hard yeah I mean I think that I really know all of days, but as I've heard that it's been really difficult. Some of the things that he shared that are going on inside it difficult to receive and yet there is a security in my heart thinking I know everything about him and I truly know him like no one else reminds me of Tim Keller's quote just remember this from his book the meaning of marriage.

He said to be loud but not known, is comforting but superficial to be known and not loved, is our greatest fear, but to be fully known and truly loved as well. A lot like being loved. I got I think that's really true there's a security in that, and it's also miraculous for Dave to know all of me to see all of my faults and he still loves me is humbling and we've used the word several times safe and I think honestly there's not a lot of places in this world. We feel totally safe. I can be fully made in hopefully that's in your marriage and when you are willing to speak the truth hear the truth and extend mercy.

It's the most beautiful place to be in a swell. God wanted marriage to be. I think one of the reasons that this idea of honesty and love comes later in the definition is because we've already talked about being patient and kind and not self-seeking. That's what creates the safety to be able to be transparent. You don't feel safe being honest with somebody who is unkind or impatient, you don't feel safe being honest with somebody who is self-seeking or who keeps a record of wrongs right. And that's why it's so important for us to to make sure we're following the biblical pattern for love as we try to build what love in a marriage relationship looks like, so that we can be transparent and and that's why we go on to flush out in the love like a minute marriage series that we have to address the fact that we can all tend to be posers and to posture and and not be open and transparent with one another. All of us long to be loved. We long to be accepted. We long to have another person who knows us. Receive my sad and I know you I know your flaws. I still love you. I still except I still want to be one with you before honest all of us have a tendency to put up a false front. We have a tendency to want to wall off those parts of our lives were not product or shame the things we don't want our spouse to know about us mercy about us. The Bible has a word for people who put on a false front like that. It is called a hypocrite, a person who wears a mask and marriage were not supposed to wear masks marriage is supposed to be masks off and we still love one another. So that's love rejoicing in the truth.

Here's the second thing I think the Bible is teaching when it says love rejoices in the truth and says love rejoices in the truth. It means that love can flourish best in an environment where there is trust. I had sown the seeds of mistrust in my marriage by hiding Cheetos garage when when we keep hidden parts of our lives. That is not an environment that causes trust to to flourish and grow and for love to flourish and grow. There needs to be an environment where we can trust one another, were not always thinking what is this person hiding from me been married for seven years and the first seven years of our marriage has was really really hard and a lot of that was routed from some failures that I made. I had chosen to hire a girl that was kind of a young cute girl that I didn't want to tell Casey about and I was dishonest about it. She walks into the apartment and this young chicks business cards had been delivered C/who the heck is Sally, you know.

And because our business cards at the picture of the person on on the court that I saw and same situation. Yeah, I was caught no and no. Even worse than that, I had deleted text messages to try and really can't hide the fact we're even talking I can honestly say no intention of actually doing anything like physical with her was not a physical affair or emotional affair anything like that. I was flirting with fire and but the act of trying to hide it. I think created a lot of insecurity didn't know her well and really high long-term and chassis you now.

There's been times where I dealing I don't deserve that love and trust are partners. Walk hand in hand went when trust is gone.

Love is is going with it. It's hard to love someone who you don't feel like and trust. Marriage cannot thrive before, always wondering, is this person keeping something from me.

Are they hiding the truth.

They lied to me before.

How can I trust them today. This is a key component to love the hard reality is I was not worthy of the trust that I was asking for an eye remained dangerous since then, come to be able to confess like whether or not it was the year that was the intention. It was stupid. What's different about man traces to the relationship or any line he is can anyone and all the resting MSN I just have to turn it over to the light and say you you cannot wait to how to mentor say something that was pretty challenging for me and he basically made it clear that I am prone to wander, and Lord, I feel it so it's it is I I am very capable of doing something super stupid and I think when you can humble yourself enough to say like I'm totally capable of destroying everything and doing something stupid and impulsive and therefore action needs to be taken. They can help to have the confession of I'm not above this is not above being stupid and not about love being an alcoholic. I'm not above any that and I think until you can, recognize your depravity. It's hard to be humble enough to follow through on the action that needs to happen to create the security of the wife deserves a lot in communication and thinking about anything. I do need to now way I like to gain 24 seven. It's just really worked very hard to pick as well wraparound I managed and and and yes I did check 10 here's the third thing. I think this person saying, love rejoices in the truth that saying love rejoices when both of us as husband and wife are committed to aligning our lives with the truth of God's word. We love his truth. And because we love his truth. We love it together.

We want our lives to be conformed to the truth of his word rejoicing in truth is when we hear his word and we we read it together and we consider church together.

When a Bible study were both saying that this is life-giving to me this is this is good from it's good for my soul in your soul when we are rejoicing together in the truth of God's word, our love for one another will flourish.

Some of you may have seen the triangle that shows how if a husband and wife are here and they are both pursuing God and getting closer to him closer to one another in the process rejoicing in the truth is when we are both pursuing the truth of God's word and knowing God in the process. Jesus is the truth. When we draw near to Jesus were drawing near to one another to love rejoices in the truth. That's the third thing.

Here's number four love rejoices when we not only agree with God's word. But when were both pursuing God's truth as a pattern of life for us. When both of us are committed to righteousness right before this in the Bible it says love does not rejoice in wrongdoing, so it doesn't rejoice when there's unrighteousness. I think this is this the other side of that love rejoices when a husband and wife are pursuing truth together living that out in their lives. When there committed to righteousness when they're committed to aligning their lives and their behavior with God's word. When you see your spouse reflecting the image of Jesus in his life or in her life. Your love for them swells up it it increases your drawn to that because were children of God were drawn to him. And as our lives are being conformed to the image of his son. We love that we love one another love rejoices in the truth do you rejoice in the truth, but we been listening to an excerpt from the love like you mean it video series, and everyone way I just know this before I stepped on anybody else's toes got stepped on. First, because I spent a long time. In this passage just meditating and I think it's important for us to understand that when we talk about honesty and transparency in a marriage relationship love rejoicing in the truth begins with the fact that we together, rejoice in the truth of God's word and the truth of who Jesus is. It's not just the truth about our own lives, but it's the truth about the gospel that we both love and rejoicing that gives us the freedom to rejoice in the honesty and transparency where we can see each other's failures and go okay. I got issues you got issues. We've all got issues. But the gospel means that there is no condemnation in Christ for those issues for us and when not to condemn one another to extend grace to one another. That's the liberating truth of the gospel.

You think it's possible to do that when a spouse is not reciprocating. Well here's how to answer that. Romans five says that God demonstrates his love toward us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us so God does not wait until we are lovable or loving to love us. I think it's possible for us to extend grace to somebody else, even if they're not extending grace back.

Is it easy know that in some ways that is Christian marriage that is vertical marriage that is love like you mean it.

That is the gospel applied to marriage, we don't deserve forgiveness. Yet when we bring the truth of who we really are to God when we get mercy when our spouse brings us the truth. Boil boy hardest thing in the world. But how can we be a recipient mercy, and I give it, and when we give what we can even muster up in ourselves. That's a picture of love like immediate marriage, and gospel vertical.

What if you want to call it. That's the most beautiful relationship that exists on planet Earth. I think I know we had a lot of couples last spring who joined you online on Facebook for the article marriage small group that we did. We just had a lot of couples joining us online on Facebook for a love like you mean it video small group session, we believe there is power in couples going through this content with other couples. I think the reason is because if we just go through it together we can kind of feel like I think were the only ones who struggle with this. You go through this with other couples and go okay. It's not just us. Everybody has these challenge and is a sense of accountability with the group to and your right to see that we are not alone were all doing this together were all struggling with all pursuing God there's real hope and yeah well we hope you motivated. We hope you are ready to call some other couples and say let's get together, you know somewhere where we can be socially distanced or over resume or however you're able to do it these days get together and go through the new love like you mean it video series it's available from us here at family life. You can see some samples of the series online@familylifetoday.com. You can preorder the series. It's available on DVD or if you prefer, you can stream the sessions.

There's an assessment for each person who's going through the study to take so you can see where your strengths and weaknesses are when it comes to loving one another in marriage again. Find out more when you go to family life today.com or preorder the series online again. Our website is family life today.com.

Gimme questions or if you'd like to preorder by phone the number is 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today and I just want to say thank you again to our legacy partners. Those of you who contribute monthly to help support the ministry family life today. Your investment in this ministry is having an impact in the lives of hundreds of thousands of husbands and wives, moms and dads singles grandparents people all around the world are benefiting from the investments you are making and were so grateful to be partnered with you that today's programs of resources were making available. You make all of that happen when you support the ongoing work of family life today. If you're a longtime list or and you've never made a donation to challenge you to go to our website or call us at one 800 FL today and join the team help pay it forward help others benefit from what you've been a beneficiary of invest in the work of family life today and if you're a regular listener and you've thought about becoming a monthly legacy partner. Why not do that today as well go to family life today.com for more information, call one 800 FL today and say I'm ready to join the team. I want to become a legacy partner and then be sure to join us again tomorrow when working to talk about one of the most challenging, most painful experiences any parent can go through when a son or daughter becomes a product expense joins us to talk about his experience with that. We hope you can tune as well. Thank our engineer today.

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