Facing Unemployment Together

For most of us a big part of our identity. How we see ourselves is tied to the work we do and if the work we do the job we have goes away.

Then who are we here's author Dale crying. It's a struggle for people because we are wrapped up in our job, our job is us.

And so when you cared about the work you did. You cared about the people you worked with and someone made a decision to take that away from you. It's just really hard is a lot of pain that goes with that, the part where you kinda have to remember even though you don't feel that way.

I am not junk it's not who I am ensues.

I am in God created. This is family life today.

Our hosts are Damon and Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine you can find us online@familylifetoday.com there's a lot we have to process have to recalibrate when we lose a job. Among those things. We have to think about who we are to talk about that and more with Dale crying Kim today.

Stay with and welcome to family life to.

Thanks for joining us. I think the word of the year for me over the last six, seven, eight months disorientating everything in life is felt unstable. You just look around at the world were living in the and things that used to be predictable, are not predictable and the more things you used to be able to depend on your not sure you can depend on those things anymore.

You thought you had a good idea what tomorrow would look like.

Now you don't have any idea what tomorrow's can look like. I think all of us are in a season of our people were talking this week about those people who have experienced that a pupil in a more direct sense, because for a lot of our listeners the job they had 10 months ago is not what they're doing today. Yeah I was thinking the word for for me is uncertain. I mean, you're never really certain even though we think we are in our lives, but this last six months right you wake up and you don't know what the day or the world or the future is gonna be and when you go. When you don't have equilibrium when you and your gone is the Florida shake on me when you step out of bed. It's hard to know how to function feels insecure and that never is a great feeling when you don't know what's can happen next. We're talking this week to an old friend of mine Dale crying camp who is with us on family life today welcome. Thanks framing we we were part of the class of 74, Kirkwood high school and you get a song. Is there a fight song. Well, I know they would get one from our high school you got have what it was and alma mater. You know what it is. Hail Kirkwood high school on Tuesday we sing to know this very victorious mage.

We bring through all the ages all our son so bold, how far will Kirkwood high school for the red and white there you go to Mike on radio wouldn't be pretty mouthing the words, like you, and we knew Dale and his wife Deb are with the still welcome thinking that Deb didn't go to Kirkwood high so she could join and she went to Lutheran high so I don't know if you and alma mater that you will sing for us hiking out one thing Dale has 40 years been an HR professional. Most of it in the medical field rightness and has recently written a devotional book for people who have been displaced a book called how long the Lord how long to help people through the transition that comes with the job you have is not your job anymore. You were both a displacer and a displaced person) was twice in Mercer that you got displaced as you describe for us earlier, the one experience where was six words and the guy leaves the office in your having to process it all on your own.

What about the other displacement that happen for you. It was a little bit different but it ended up with a conversation with this isn't going to work with and eliminate your job in and at that point in time. I've been around long enough to know that trying to argue to save it isn't going to do it tonight.

Can I confess that in my situation I entertain thoughts of sabotage and destruction for the people who had let me go. I mean I that there's part of the flesh that just wants to prove you wrong and prove you just made a big mistake in and undermine what you're trying to do and have you fail yes I want to say that sometimes the spouse feels that even I was thinking that that year angry at did that days not see how good he is and all he's done for them exactly you want to go tell him that's what I cannot do that. Any idea who you just let go and that so dad what was that like for you as a spouse because so many of our spouses are going to guess how did you support Dale with that look like my support for him changed a lot through it because of all the emotions that he went to the hardest one to support was his identity that when he when he doesn't feel like he is anyone that is not worthy. He's not good enough, good enough for anything and I think that's the hardest one because that such an emotional insight him and you can't do anything you can't say that you good honey, but you're smart, honey, you know you can't change that doesn't really help know what your wife's apartness and she's paid the size kinds. I mean you go. You're a biased objector. You need the external validation you want the company to say you're really great because your your wife says what I'm saying is spouse doesn't do any good. What should we do and you can't control anything that's happening to him. You know he gets a phone call then he's up because of his job offer and then you note.

Two days later he gets email saying were not interested and you just dive in. So you just on this emotional roller coaster with him, but you have to your emotions happy and almost take a step back and you have to deal with his emotions and not your emotions at that time because his emotions are so strong that I think that's a great point because I spouse is having his or her own set of emotions in securities. Where's the money gonna come from her house this going to work or that, and yet you're there to be a partner in the support for your spouse. So you're trying to process your own fears your own anger, your own grief, but you're also trying to be a support for your spouse in the midst of all of this and I'm wondering if there's a time if it's gone on for quite a while that the spouse at one point said hey what about me over here. It's been all about you and your pain. Is there a point where spouse thinks that I think you think that and the second part of that is is that nobody ever cares for the spouse themselves. I did have a wonderful sister-in-law and a good friend who were really good to me during that time, but for the most part you know they don't think anything is happening to the spouse. You know big deal, but dealing with him dealing with your spouse and then dealing with your family and keeping things all on an even keel it. It's hard. What were you going to dad.

I am always been the person who was the cheerleader in the group. He's the extroverted I'm the introvert so I love supporting him but sometime you just lose yourself you completely lose who you are because all your energy goes into that spouse who needs so much because you know he's going through so many emotions and it's a day by day, up and down. I was said it's a roller coaster that you're on you and your spouse are you and a friend are the only ones that are on that roller coaster and you don't know when the dips are coming. You don't know when you're going up, and you never know when it's can end meeting in a sense, again I don't listen to thinking. It's almost like Dale's one lost his job, so he's wounded and you're the caretaker trying to help.

The fact is you wanted to yes yes you know so couple things that I learned in this process, so I didn't learn until later on how few people asked how Debbie was doing. I grew up in my cone congregation so everybody knew me in and because I'm an expert.

I know a lot of people and people would ask her house. Dale, how's the search going never saying how are you doing with it and so we do often forget the spouse, which I think is really important if you're a friend of somebody's unemployed check in with the spouse. See how you know they're going the spouse part of it and everything is one of the reasons for the subtitle on the book and for those who love them because the spouse is going through this same journey, but it's a different lens and for the spouse. This book was to give them a glimpse of what their spouse might be going through because when you better understand what somebody's going through. I think you can better help and support you don't get is aggravated at a because you go oh yeah I understand that's happening and so the best thing you don't get aggravated will talk about the identity thing you mentioned earlier, you know the identity for a man.

Especially not sure true for woman as well as connected to that work to that job. Here's how I been process about with and think about if somebody says do you tell me a little bit about yourself. Yeah, what a sane person, do is talk about my family. Mary and I been married this long. We got these kids that's informative, but honestly nobody looks at me and goes, wow, that's impressive, married and have five kids while so then the next thing you go to after you've talked about your family is and here's what makes me special. Here's what makes me stand out among the crowd is what I am good at and that's validated by the fact that somebody pays me money to be good at this thing and now all of a sudden when you don't have that in your satchel site that's in a large sense who you are.

I went in and I first came out of college just got married started on staff with crew all year can share that.

Okay.

So embarrassing work for athletes in action some missionary on crew staff which family life so diversion of crew so and University Nebraska a year ago on playing college football at Ball State. Not the greatest thing in the world I Hall of Fame at Allstate Island and the whole thing yet, but you know all conference. I think one of the thing is is you know I had never dealt with this identity think as I always had a significant identity from snow school I was a court of ghetto on the homecoming are all that I suffered in a band you're singing in Flippin my little bang in front of my hair as I lately. I was always that guy.

And so now I'm at University Nebraska, missionary in again.

I didn't realize this but as we were introduced to people would be Davey, when you do always on staff with athletes in action. I was like that's nothing. He felt like that's a lame Unisys like they don't know that I used to be somebody you know and so I literally, after three or four months of that I said in one item so there's this essay, I can't say when people say you know what you do.

I can't say I used to be so could you just throw it in her throat and then I was a quarterback you know full full scholarship Division I. She's like to see, but that's that was my identity and I didn't know who I was. Apart from that, again, 40 some 50 some years ago. Yeah a long time ago but that's true when uses a job male or female, that is, in large part, your identity and you lose that. So you're trying to figure out who am I apart from that talk about that because that's significant. So David and the extroverted, but I'm in your camp so I'm not as good as Bob move talk family first. My introduction would be ideal praying camp on the head of human resources for and I talk about the profession and then I would go into the family and all this and I didn't have that and so was hard to even talk to people because what you say.

Listen what you do when you don't want to say Jim unemployed doesn't sound really good because people say will what's wrong with you that your unemployed I often told people I was on sabbatical unit which was just another way to do but it was a struggle for a while to rethink how do I reframe that even though the most important things were.

I been married to Deb for many years and were blessed with children and grandchildren, which is the legacy of legacies put yeah it's a struggle for people because we are wrapped up in our job, our job is us. And so when you cared about the work you did.

You cared about the people you worked with and someone made a decision to take that away from you. It's just really hard. There's a lot of pain that goes with that. That's kind of the part were you kinda have to remember even though you don't feel that way.

Hey, I'm not junk is not who I am.

It's who's I am in and God created. That's where the term consultant gets born right because people say what you doing so. I'm a consultant that just means I'm out of work for many people. You don't want my best friends is furlough right now well with the COBIT.

He was furloughed and then fired buses job and was told a week before your safe. You have 25 people under you. We going to have to make some hard decisions through this pandemic that you're safe and then the next few days.

Sorta like you boom and this is the second or third time in his life, and I member. 15 years ago. He said you know Michelle and I would go for a walk in the middle of the afternoon because he loved being with his wife and they could take walks Asa but I got to the point where like every car driving by sight. They know I'm out of work there, look at me like with the schedule walk at 3 o'clock we have been in his identity was just shattered. You know, because he's like, I'm not sure I don't want to leave the house that I think those people that are furlough days have had the tough part of okay. I think I've have a job that I'm going back to their smart enough to say I don't know that that'll be so do I look for another job or do I not and then when they get the message it says were not bringing you back there probably going quote why didn't I start this look.

Four months ago in a sinner, caught never never land.

And that's that's a tough place to be. Your book is called how long the Lord how long I want to talk about that person who's in month four month five of having been displaced be a lot of work. They'd made the calls they called everybody they know to call. Nothing is popping up in their thinking. I don't know who I am.

I don't know how mom survive, or they do in those moments. So some people just shut down and there's a danger in that there's a danger in just the kind of equipment bag.

It you don't do anything and that's the danger I was think it's important to just continue to continue trying to move forward and so it is important though the people stop and reevaluate. What are my gifts and my skills which is different than what we often think about is what were my job duties. That's what are my gifts and what are my skills.

Maybe what gives me joy and what might I do that's different than what I did. So most people if I lost my job doing this I want to kinda find that in another company.

And yet this is the time to take stock in who you are and what you do. Well, maybe it's time to reinvent yourself and go in a different direction. It might mean that maybe the pain is not the same but we don't know what God's going to take it live a God that can take it all sorts of places, and so when you sometimes need to rethink and move in a different direction. So in your unemployed you're looking for a couple things you're trying to meet people to try and find a job.

You can also use that opportunity to meet people to take a look at talk about different career opportunities in different industries with different skill sets and all that so that's what I encourage people to do was take that inventory and use that time to go meet people I have that happen when I was let go from my radio sales job selling commercials on the local radio station and I had a local car dealer call and say you also cars they been one of my clients and I thought was a little on muscle cars is should I get into the car business and then I had another ad agency that I have been selling to and they said you want to come join us in and I helped create ad campaigns for local businesses that what I want to do and II really had to say what my skills were my passions. What do I believe are the good works that God created for me to do that I should walk in. That's Ephesians 210. What do I think God's put me on the earth for what can I do that is going to be most glorifying to him and one of the challenges we faced was. I could have taken other jobs that would've kept me where we were living but I was gonna stay in the field. I was him. We will have to move out of town. Now all of a sudden I got a whole different dynamic. This isn't just me. It's my wife.

It's our home bids, all of that. How much are you fueled by career motivations versus location. This is a complicated issue you guys in the need for this spring, God into your relationship into the situation. I'm guessing sometimes.

Every time she could be mad at God anyway. Did you do anything as a couple or try to encourage each other as a couple running daily wrote a book you know it's a devotional and so you obviously have brought got into this part of that was writing the book that I did his first edits. I think going to that process was a big thing just even the process of getting it published in everything working together that we felt together that we were obedient to God's calling. I would say and we we were intentional and continuing the disciplines that we had prior so even though I'm hurt and I'm wounded. I never stopped being there Sunday morning for church and know that was a regular discipline and that's where I want to be. That's where my support is I need to be there are daily prayer life together needed to stay there and we stayed with those things that was important to do and it was also you know it was an example to other people so I was very conscious that other people watch and have there been moments you looking at some era chapter titles which are you know about faith is a muscle allowing for God's amazing grace, where's my protector. Have there been moments similar to the title your book Lord, how long will it take regular yeah regular moments that look like frustrating Lord, why don't you turn your face toward me. You know why.

Why am I going through this. What am I supposed to learn the other third tiers.

There are just moments you just can't figure it out anyone figured out me. That's our human nature is to figure it out and it's not mine to figure out is the hard part.

It is though an amazing thing. How he uses that time to mold us and shape us like I'd like to say am a better person today because of the experiences that I've gone through Trinidad. I think self I do. A good friend who was having a really hard medical issue, and because he wasn't in a full-time job and he had some time he was able to minister to him and to his wife then you know God puts things out there for us to care for the people. The hardest part was just wanting to do something so it's like you.

The relief pitcher in your way to get into again put me back in coach I'm ready and just wishing you could get in the game and frustrated that you can't and you don't know when it's can happen you know we talked about how much of our identity is wrapped up in what were good at what we do and families part of how we represent identity, job and career is another part but I just had to recognize that this has got a come back to first and foremost, you are a child of God you are beloved by God.

You are a part of his family. When that becomes where you find your sense of value and worth not in your career, not even in your family and who there that's never going to change that is what's most important. That's the eternal even family is not eternal.

There's no marriage in heaven right so we have to come back and say what really matters is this who I am as a child of God. That's where my value and worth is and that's what I'm arresting. It's interesting at the beginning of that Detroit Lions season one year for Bible study and lead a Bible study with all the life and so there are a lot of wives in this room.

Maybe 16 wives and these women are educated, sharp, gifted beautiful in a kind of give up their career, their life, their home to follow their husband for his dreams and is one year I decided to start anything I want you to introduce yourself, but I don't want you to say who you're married to. I don't want you to talk about your education or what you've done because a lot of them are incredible athletes as well. I want you to talk about who you are. There is absolute silence in the room because it's identity and so they didn't even know what to say because it's so contrary to the world.

It's all about who we are, what we've done, who we know how much money we make and sell. One girl started and she said I'm friendly and kind and so they started going through some character traits so that was really interesting for then they had never done an exercise like that to say who I apart from what I do and then at the end of that year and we do this almost every year we have a woman sit in the middle and we all speak life into her of her gifts, her strengths, her abilities, her character qualities and then we all gather around her and pray over her God would use her for his kingdom, and all the strength, gifts, talents that she has wherever she goes and I'm thinking we just did this with our friend who is out of work. He was at our house. Just last week he sat on a chair we laid our hands on hand.

We spoke life into him that this is who you are. These are the gifts that you had. This is the impact we see you making and then we prayed for his chat for his future for his family and thinking what a great application for family members. If someone has lost a job to put them in a chair to pray over them to remind them who they are, not just what they do. Yeah, I lent my my last thought would be in Dale, I'm Devon guessing you're experiencing. This is, you can't go through this alone. Yeah, you want to make sure like you said I'm going to church and community.

Got to have others around you because I know you can easily lose perspective and when somebody speaks and he says you are good man you are good woman. You do have great gifts God's in control, God sees you, God's with you. God has a plan here and there from somebody else sometimes is what we need as we lose perspective yes and your friend is blessed to have you guys because your engaged friends who care want to understand and want to help.

I think there are often people who want to help but don't know what to do and so they they don't do anything they pull back and with the person whose unemployed consents that so it's like you're not gonna really tell them what's on your mind and yet deep down there is a loneliness to unemployment of nobody understanding what you're going through. So that's one of the interesting things about the book I've had people say you get it. You understand I know you do, because I've read your book. There's a desire on our part for people to understand what were going through but so few people want to really listen and understand.

They just want to be okay and so kudos to you and and that's one of the things that I would hope we can be as better friends. We need more people who care and want to get in the middle of it and help talk about having friends I think about your book on think about the number blisters. We've got who to get multiple copies and be a good friend and say I bought a book for you.

You were talking earlier about pastors have in a drawer full of these, and I'm thinking that's just smart for a pastor to be able to say I want to recommend the book to you to give you a copy of a book.

In fact, if there unemployed.

Don't recommend the book to them. Give them a copy of the night for you. Don't say we got one of the lending library Dale thank you for this time. Thanks for helping us process all of this. This is helped so many blisters and were grateful for you, and in doing this.

Thanks Deb thank you as well.

Thank you and we want to encourage our listeners to get a copy of your book how long the Lord, how long and pass it on to somebody or making the book available this week for a donation of any amount go to family life to.com help support the work were doing your family life and you can request your copy of Dale's devotional to give to a friend who may be in this very situation again.

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