The Strain on a Police Officer’s Marriage

Being a police officer is a high risk occupation, especially for marriages. Adam Davis was headed toward divorce with his wife until she lovingly confronted him about his neglect of the isolation she was feeling. I realized in that moment that the woman that I hurt, whether intentionally or because I was so hurt still loved me and we talk a lot about the love of God. We talk a lot about how he loves us. We think about this beautiful song until another human being has demonstrated that love and mirrored his love for us, like she did for me that's a love change.

This is family life today.

Our hosts are Dave and and Wilson and Bob Lapine. You can find us online@familylifetoday.com how can those who have pledged to protect and serve their communities also protect and serve their marriages talk with Adam Davis about that today stay with and welcome to family like to thanks for joining us think about high risk professions.

Nothing about your life be on the line, although that can be the case I'm thinking about your marriage and family being on the line, the more stress the more pressure you're under the more your marriage is gonna feel that and have to be a shock absorber for that and that would be marriage as a pastor. Well, that's true. I mean, you know you know the statistics and it is challenging right hi how are you are honestly marriage and info 80% divorce rate yeah but it's not dangerous like you're talking about a minute dangerous in a different way, but you put like put your life on the line that's on the type of danger and we want our listeners today to recognize there are people around us serving us who are in those high risk situations and are chosen to be in those high risk situations for our good and we got a friend who's joining us. Adam Davis is here on family life today and welcome. Thank you so much for having me Adam is an author.

He is us conference speaker and at the reason he is both an author at a conference speaker is because of what he did before he was an author in a conference speaker.

How many years were you in law enforcement six-year and what led you in to being a police officer you know yes a lot of people to us and wanted people in this great but really only to be like those good men that also Manning TJ retired Sgt. I wanted to be a man of character like that that was who I wanted to be in a woman like is to look up to me. Adam is written a number of devotionals, one called on spiritual combat for for men and women in law enforcement and in in military front line military behind the badge for police officers and then bulletproof marriage is the one that caught our attention because of what it is that we do. You know guys whose marriages have suffered because of their career in law enforcement I is one talk about what what was the stress on your merit finance you and when you went into law enforcement where you married and how did your wife feel about it. She supported me 110%. And yes, we were married we have been married, goodness nine years Mount nine years and then you wait a long time to get married right you will go to college. Have a good set career know I got married at 18 years old my wife of been 18 a month and we have a lot of people in our family very close to us is that I give it six months will be divorce the one-bedroom know I packed my bags about every week the first year we were still grown up together and over and get into law enforcement around nine years later she supported me. But I changed. She didn't know and and she didn't ask for that. She didn't sign up for who I became. When he changed now. You become a little hard around the edges lighthearted for example, you go to work and maybe your job is to write tickets all day. Maybe your job is to work motor vehicle crashes my beer jobs run patrol or you're an investigator with all those things.

There are inherent stresses that are going to occur.

And there's going to be some things on days that you don't want to relive you work at the bank insurance office hospital go home. How was your day. I had this guy come in and out of that will talk about most of the time I got to the point I didn't want to relive what I went through. It took everything I had to make home and I didn't want to talk to her about it for a couple reasons one I didn't want to relive it. Number two I was exhausted. Number 300 wanted to know about it because I wanted to protect her and it won't hurt to see the world as a so very evil, very violent, a fallen world and a lot of threats and when you're in law enforcement, you know, things that are going on that are not made known to the general public all the time and I wanted to protect my fame at it. Want them to have the stress that were on them. So at the end of the day I come home, take off my gear. Sit down stair to blank TV stair blank wall.

How was your day honey bun wants anything you see a little bit and see feel that divide between yeah I think so is my wife. Still, she's doing right now I saw fading and I forget that what point in my career was maybe five years in four years and whatever but towards the end the Friday I come home.

She said hey mom keep the kids got your backpack going out of town for the weekend is me and you. She said I know you need a break and shouldn't have to do that coming on the sole income for the house. She works harder than I do. Homeschool mom of three.

But on the sole income and I knew that that took a lot for her to do that so we went.

We stayed in a hotel. We had a nice dinner. We rode horses of the mountains and the North Georgia and I realized in that moment that the woman that I had hurt, whether intentionally or because I was so hurt still loved me and we talk a lot about the love of God.

We talk a lot about how he loves us.

We sing about his beautiful songs until another human being has demonstrated that love and mirror his love for us, like she did for me that's the love it changes you unconditional, unrelenting, did not matter now. We still still have rough spots and bumpy spells but she essentially wrestle Holt back to the ground back to normal. God and she love me through the storm and sometimes that's what marriage is. Instead of saying have got a rescue, but over them out and you go in your own way you rub the storm out together and I owe everything to her for that because when I look at the love that she show me. I see the love of Jesus, did you grow up with the spiritual foundation in your life. I grew up in a charismatic home. I was in church nine days a week and my stepdad was a pastor. I had this different idea of who God was more so that he was sitting there with a leather belt went only to mess up they could tear my heart out for his weight and mesh button that I had to do good for him to be good to me how member Sally my first membership card.

This said, you can never go dance you never go to a movie theater can't listen to whatever I'm like this ago we really are. I that's not who God is my and it took me becoming a law enforcement officer to discover that you I want in their entire career started because I said I was going to retire wanted to climb the ranks. I want to do everything. I will have a lot of years old, but I had a lot of miles only for six years. I did a lot of stuff but if all the only purpose he had for me was to show me his love, and that I'll never forget in my roughest moments feeling you know, and I never heard the audible voice of God, but I would feel the Holy Spirit bubbling inside of me saying there's nothing you can do to change love me, hugging the toilet drunk as all get out. There's nothing you can do to change my love for you to take us back to that what happened, so you getting a law enforcement where your walk with God was. Not that dynamic.

What dynamic you know, for me it was performance-based. Like I said in I think when you fight for your life and you encounter evil on a very real level people that wanted that want to kill you kill your friends and people that are hurting other people.

When you see these things that are going on in the world, it becomes a moment that you have sort of a fork in the road you just pretend like you didn't see it and keep going ;-) it had all and I faced it and there were something here. It was like this the same rut.

This the same route all and so instead of just pretending like it didn't exist in Santa a sweet prayer and carry no, I went to battle with it and it was a battle inside of me. I never doubted that God existed. It was if you're good then why if you love me then why so he was taking me through a place where eventually he was have been shown me as love whole time and I think that that's the miracle of life is just look you'll see it.

But for me I was so hardheaded, so stubborn that I had to sit down and essentially interrogating, so I started drinking and that was sort of self-medicating aqua set for the things of God dealt with.

They teach you how to survive a fight if somebody is trying to stab you kill you teach all the tactics and skills but when I went through this not so much about that as much as it is how you respond afterwards and how you handle the trauma.

How do you handle encountering this thing see and death from different causes and soft start of self-medicating. I drink and I drink having no was never abusive, but be solid completely withdrawn from a family know one of the things we talked about earlier. I became a cop because a woman might just be proud of me was some I said what is your daddy do for a living. I wanted them to build above the chest up say that is a police officer and I had been so withdrawn and we can't go to most of the ballgames birthday parties, you probably call out Christmas day I'll never forget one Christmas day, Jason Callister somebody Jordan.the most violent thing of ever encounter.

But the family this scenario, Christmas dinner, so may Ruppel uniformed police officer chasing cows, but I'm still not my family, so the sacrifices have to be made in and I was no longer willing to sacrifice my family.

I'm willing to lay my life down for you, but I'm not willing to give my family's life for you that that's working so I started drinking, and though we lost some very good friends that I served with had a wake-up call and started writing instead of drink when you had a wake-up call. You can read about certain things mean the sad flip the page is what we do. A society we read a headline flip page scroll but when is somebody that you know and that you had a relationship with us different. We buried brothers that I serve with for various causes, some inflicted, some not, but for me, my wake-up call was in a patrol car and not supposed to talk about the sort of things because you talk about.

It shows a sign of weakness. I got to a point where I was really, really tired in all facets. I was taught emotionally*mentally*physically assault no hope for my future. My marriage is on the rocks, mainly because of me and I had this pushed everybody my life way and is a Sunday working working overtime more car uniform sit in a old used to be a gas station parking lot that was a day of hunting left. I tried to do it all can't be good enough. I can answer these things I can't put two and two together and make sense anymore. I don't understand it. I don't have to understand it, but I believe in you for no other reason than I choose to believe, not because some… Persuade me to and there was a change that was in an instant everything changed overnight. But alcohol was ago that desiring more wanted to do things different and I wanted to pursue him so writing and listening to where he was leaving mean following that still small voice and wanting other people to experience the same love that I fill in that car that day.

You just don't really feel that love is a company more and I know for fact without love came from. Jesus was in the car with me and it's because of him that I'm here today. I don't know my left anybody but Jesus and I become a bondservant of love and I want other people to know that there's hope.

Did you go home that Sunday and tell your wife what happened. You so what happened was I no longer saw it as I have to do a BNC for him to love me or to be a Christian. It became oh my goodness this love I want to live in a way that shows him how much I appreciate it and I want to give that love back to him and I want to live in a way that when my life is done that, he says, well done, thou good and faithful servant and that I was a good steward of because we've all been given a measure of it. You remember what Amber said I really don't think I was in this fog.

She was grateful she'd been supportive ever since she saw change and she'll tell you she saw change what she see I became softer. I became her husband. Again, not just officer Davis, I became a father to my children again and it gradually over time. Probably year after I left law enforcement that it really fell off and she was like is so good to have you back.

What did your fellow officers see I had so many tell me how proud they were only forget one one-off limitless same what his relationship was with told me I would be better off to go kill myself explain that what we no longer part of what's going own and I wouldn't parting anymore.

I wouldn't drink anymore and what part of the click anymore. I want to go to work at my job to go home and that hurts because he had no idea what I've been dealing with had no idea how close I was and having those conversations, I think just drove me harder to go after God in that moment into seeing my family and say I can fight for this job that in 20 years 25 years. Whatever. I'll be forgotten. When I walk out the door be another number or confinement for my family and so I just shifted the priorities to where they should have been the whole time it's okay to be a great cop.

Love your job.

Don't forsake your wife, your husband, your kids, your family, the people that are going to be there for you when you hang up the badge explained for listeners how consuming the law enforcement culture is for those who are in it it it's like life is here and everything else outside of that is is not secondary. It started for its way down the line] tell you how long of a time in their I had zero friends that were outside of law enforcement and that's okay for. But you have to you need to have those friends are out when I talk to men today and tell them you need friends that are not in law enforcement and goes part of my assignment. You need to fight you may develop friend that's a law enforcement when I don't understand what I got this okay don't talk about fence and talk about gardening the whole of the weather or something, but is consuming because most of the time you working 12 hour shifts RX if you work 6 AM to 6 PM. You need to get up about 430 C can be a briefing about 520 say 430 Megan to get home at six if you're lucky. If you're lucky. Most of the time you look at your call right at 6 o'clock and you have to work late. Your spouse is preparing you go to go home go to going to go meet him somewhere gladly you go and you are still not present. Your body may be there but you're not there because you're still thinking about if you got in the reports rethink about stuff for the day so you work that out and then you got court and you may have court on your off days when you'd rather be with your family and if you going to go because you got a report that to supervisor the know you're out of town as it was completely consuming as a lifestyle is a way of life. Not apologetic, not sorry for this the way it is the law enforcement lifestyle, but there's got to be an injection of gospel of the Holy Spirit of the word of God and they are the love of Jesus that changes that, so it's a healthy lifestyle. We need men and women on the line, but there's got to be a presence of God in there because if not, the burden is we try to cure it on her own like I did and it will crush you will destroy everything about you if you try to carry on your own. We were never created to do that to can put it in his feet and who give you strength you bring Jesus into your family in you you taking them with you in the workplace. How did the look of your family change notice started just about as silly as it sounds sit in a church with my wife or this is unique but grabbing her hand at night before bed in front of the kids and say a prayer and not have to be complicated or complex. When we become the authority in our home under the authority of the great Shepherd. That's the way it's supposed to be. Pray for her daily. It's amazing how the environment changes in your home is hard remain mad at your spouse.

If you hold hands, praying together so it was really simple steps of I hate that I didn't document everything, but I really wouldn't think about that at the point but this is a good idea and so with what bulletproof marriage did was introduce praying with your spouse every day for 90 days and it's opened up a lot of communication efforts between spouses that have been shut down for a while. I was think about your book and I was thinking and in the city where I live there are a little more than 700 employees of the police department. I thought one of the local church a couple local churches pitched in and said let's buy 700 copies of this book is Megan's gift to everybody works for the police department.

What if in every police force in America people buy the book and give it to police officers people on the police force with a note inside even have ever but some in the church is write a note saying praying for you. Appreciate what you can print thank you for what you do. If I can ever help, here's my number, let it not give him a copy of that book. We had a lot of churches do that and a lot of businesses do that with behind the bench. Yes, obviously, about half are married but is written from a cop who has a testimony for cops and if you talk to cops of Reddit, the ones who were contemplating suicide.

God did something in their life or the ones who were getting ready to go. Then I recall the divorce lawyer and set the appointment and bulletproof marriage that went through the 90 days and got change their lives is laid out used what I went through the mess and turn them into a beautiful gift literally and we had a lot of churches across the country. Do that and all 50 states you and so thankful for that and they went away.

Great idea. You know anywhere they could get at the thought of as a matter fact that our website family like today.com and Adams book, bulletproof marriage, which is a 90 day devotional is available.

There is another devotional called on spiritual combat 30 missions for victorious warfare and then 365 day devotional for police officers called behind the badge. All of these resources are resources for YouTube to look at. Pray about.

Do you know somebody who's in law enforcement, maybe want to buy a copy and give it as a gift to them. Or again maybe you or your church want to do something for the police officers in your community. Go to family life to a.com and look at the resources Adam has available you can order them from us online or you can call to order one 800, FL, today is the number one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. Check out Adam Davis's books and devotionals for people who are in law enforcement and figure out what you'd like to give to somebody is a gift and wanted to say thank you to those of you who have made today's program a gift for all of us. Those of you who are regular donors to family life to his legacy partners. Those of you who donate from time to time. You're the ones who have covered the cost of producing and syndicating this program so that listers in your community. Blisters all around the world can benefit from these kinds of conversations family life. Today's goal is to provide practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families and were grateful for those of you who partner with us and make that possible. If you're a longtime listener and you've never made a donation or if you're a regular Mr. and it's been a while since you've donated go to family life to a.com and make a donation today or call one 800 FL today when you do your investing in the lives in the marriages and the families of people all around the world and we are grateful for that partnership and we hope you can join us again tomorrow as we continue our conversation about the unique challenges facing people who are in law enforcement facing the marriages and their families.

Adam Davis will be with us again tomorrow. Hope you can be here as well.

Thank our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson and Bob Lapine back tomorrow for another edition of family life today, family life, to use the production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow