The Blessing of Affirmation

Remember the old folk song home on the range where seldom is heard a discouraging word. Matt and Lisa Jacobson say it's different. In our day. Everything about what the culture has to say to your wife is negative, you're not enough of this.

You're too much of that you don't measure up here your beneath standard. There how many moms feel like they're just doing an amazing job at home raising those kids and managers of winners at this mother came out how many wives out there feeling like that everything is okay.

What does a voice is just sitting right on your shoulder saying yeah you're failing again. Oh you let down again Outlook you didn't measure up again. All of these things conspire to cause a wife to feel diminished in the world. This is family life today. Our hosts are Damon and Wilson on Bob Lapine.

You can find us online@familylifetoday.com if you say something positive and encouraging to your spouse today.

It may be the only positive or encouraging thing your spouse hears all day so why not be there cheerleader will talk more about that today. Stay with us and welcome to family life to.

Thanks for joining us.

I'm guessing that in your career as an athlete, you were able to have your high school quarterback. You are a college quarterback urine in the Ball State University Hall of Fame and inducted probably four times and Laura feels good I'm I'm guessing that there were times in that college career.

When a coach or a fellow player. Somebody came along and said something to you. They acknowledged a good player, a good decision or a good choice or they said you got real skill here. You've got real ability and you probably can remember that scene in your head like it was yesterday. II in everybody's different but I think everybody responds positively to affirmation, no matter what. And so when somebody speaks life.

I can remember my high school coach Bill Jones who was a college quarterback himself telling me when I was the eighth string quarterback on the roster my junior year, you will be the starter very soon and I didn't believe that, and he said that in two weeks later I was but I was like me, really. I'm this little you know. Yeah. And the guy who was the starter went to Michigan State on a full ride so I'm like there's no way I'm beat him out in this coach saw some and spoke life my college coach did the same thing, and I responded when I was a freshman in college, the University of Tulsa. I tried out for the local campus radio station K WGS was the local campus radio station and students got to work at the station if they pass the test right so I went and did my tryout. I passed the tryout and I was assigned the shift on Tuesday nights from nine at night to one of the morning every week I'm on the air. I'm a freshman. I'm 18. This is my dream.

I'm on the radio every night. I don't think there was anybody listening in town, but hardly the point that that's not the point, why been doing this for like three or four weeks and I walked in the station one day during the daytime and the station manager was a guy named Gary Chu and Gary said what's your name. I said, Bob Pini said Doug you're doing Tuesday nights right I said yeah he said where did you work before you worked here and I said this is my first station I said really night.

The conversation could've ended there because I already got what I needed. Where did you work before you want here and I really was enough. But he said you sound good. I think that's all he said. I can show you the spot I was standing in today because years later. There is power in affirming words, which is what will be talking about today and we got some friends back with us to talk about this Matt and Lisa Jacobson, welcome back. I was scared to be with you the last time these guys were here and by the way they live in central Oregon mezzo pastor they been open involved as writers in the publishing world for decades their parents of eight said again eight children who are today between the ages of 12 and house the oldest 2525. The last time you were here. We talked about how to love one another because you you've written a couple books called 100 ways to love your husband 100 ways to love your wife today were to talk about affirmation because you've also written books on 100 words of affirmation, your wife needs to hear hundred words of affirmation, your husband needs to hear. This is something that is vital in a marriage and yet I don't think it's something that that we do naturally. I think we have to say this is important and I need to be intentional about affirming my spouse. I think one of the things that we forget is that the culture of our home is built on the communication that takes place some of its nonverbal but most of it is verbal communication and so what were really doing when were speaking in our home is we are establishing a culture of that home. So what is the tenor of your home. What is the culture that you are building in your home through how you're communicating in this just became very clear to us when we focused on the kinds of things that put a just a lightness in our own steps that fill our hearts with just a sense of positive energy and it's of course very biblical to be careful how you speak to another person write the word of God is filled with scriptures that instruct us in how to communicate and what were actually communicating by how we speak and so that's why we wrote these books because sometimes we have good thoughts about our spouse. But we can run out of things to say. We forget how we might communicate to our spouse, a positive word. This is a resource for spouses to read and think about how they can communicate build up just strengthen the heart of their spouse and likely set about speaking life and the other person because that's really the purpose of it is a people hear words of affirmation, they start thinking just complements any comments or nights are actually some in here that would be considered as complements.

But it's so much more than a complement. It is really more than you look pretty today. It's about speaking that life and that person things you appreciate about them things that you admire about them things that you can see in them that they might not be able to see in themselves. And I think that's where the life-giving words and most of us have done that in our dating time we see it and we say it in me.

We are constantly communicating that in some way, whether it be through tax through like letters. Dave and I were in different colleges in different states. We wrote letters to each other every day. We talked on the phone every day. We are very quick to notice the greatness in each other to speak it out when you're married, why I think we can tend to drift. We can tend to get lazy we can tend to have other demands on our lives.

And so maybe those words don't come as quickly.

We don't see them as quickly we start noticing some weaknesses are the negative and so our homes become silent of affirmation and I think you're really right. I think it sets an atmosphere of even thinking what is the atmosphere of my home is at one of life when my kids walk in when my spouse Roxanne is that this feels good to be here because they see me they believe in me in the speak flight of life to me OR is it I'm home that can be convicting because I know for a while. I really said it had toning our home of critiquing Dave because I thought everybody praises in his preaching is doing all these wonderful valid things so big why that's right thing for I will so this is because I'm I was sitting here thinking okay how many years out of 40 years of marriage that I feel critiqued maybe 15 year is a 10 to 15 years and then she flipped the switch and started doing cheering and it was mostly words. Here's what I thought when I picked up 100 words of affirmation for your husband. I didn't read this when I wanted. I want to know what my wife needs right so I read this thing through.

And I thought I should see you know what what they say to the wife consider husband and I like it when he ducked at this I mean I could read all hundred. These I'm guessing to have the same result every one of the she said to me. Oh, my great first one saying yes to marrying you is the best decision ever made. I can tell you where were sitting in Mexico on anniversary trip and just holding hands, and she looks at the sun and she turns me and soon news message. I remain my life.

Now let me tell you six months in our marriage.

She yelled at me marrying you is worse is the big J you know some 20 years later, but she said that I want to be the next one. You are one handsome man. I said no I'm not she said yes you are you are a terrific kisser in your arms is my favorite place to be. I'm like a geek I go anywhere with you. You are him and she said all these things and I feel like the greatest guy in the world and life are not saying all the negative thing that I said to but I mean it is so important to be speaking life. We forget the power that we have with the words that we speak and we also treat our spouse like a mind reader, sometimes more. Course I feel great is as I've a very positive and then will will say to somebody else on third party.

Oh, hey, my wife is awesome. She's this that and the other thing and she's older I don't know anything about that. We need to speak this directly to our spouse and our spouse is not a mind reader.

He or she does not know how deeply you appreciate them how much you love them and what you love about them. They don't know that is automatically.

You may feel it, but they don't know what we gotta make sure we don't treat our spouse like a mind reader. A lot of people are not comfortable or have not had this modeled like I would be one of those people. I did not come naturally to me.

The speaking words of life and the other person.

I did have those feelings for sure that Max was much better at speaking those words, and so as we talked about of last couple years and I just was telling him for some people we've never experienced that, or we never had it model before isolate it actually is helpful to go all these are the kinds of things you can say to your spouse that will make a big difference. I have a good friend who loves her husband very much, but she just said I don't know what to say to him and he's just starving for a word from her that says I believe in you.

I admire you choose like you feel all the things He has to hear from you, and I think those are things that we need even teach our kids, they may see it, that they may not even always pick up on it.

Our son was nine years old we were putting into bed and I kissed and hugged and we paid for him since he can't love you so much and he said mom I know you tell me every single day. You can tell me once, and I know what the rest of my life thinking his poor wife and I said oh CJ Ike I need to hear it from you and I'm gonna tell you because I feel it your wife when you get married will need to hear that continuously from you.

She won't just know that you love her because you married her, and some don't you think hike here modeling it.

Have you taught that to your kids as well that we talk a lot about speaking words into each other's eyes the kids to each other as well as to us and to others. So you are tolerating the best in the other person, absolutely. And the thing is we all have spouses and we don't walk on water, they don't walk on water, so we have to decide what we can focus on and what you build up in the other person so just forget the flat sides right, there's a lot you can celebrate even if you're in a marriage in a situation where you can point to some things that you don't like their negative there is a lot that you can celebrate in the other person and it's amazing how you start this positive upward cycle of growing and loving relationship despite choosing to start speaking positively, choosing to start saying words of affirmation being purposeful about building up the other person.

Somebody's got to start why not it be you.

Here's a good verse for husbands and wives to memorize that really sums up or talk about here. It's Ephesians 429 that says let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth's but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion and may give grace to those who hear you stop and think if our communication and marriage was good for building up always for the occasion and gave grace to the other person that could transform a lot of marriages just right there yes and in Proverbs is this kind words are like the honeycomb bright just how sweet you. I think there been times when Marion has been concerned that if she was to affirming you and change. I would absolutely because you think were satisfied and it will enable you to stay know she's not alone every wife. I think I'm right. We know the script to show Lisa. Is that true that if a wife just lays it on to thicker husband is going to just go oh I guess I am in critical words. That's right, SQL is still get the time now. It had the opposite effect of that by building him up and actually makes them want to be a better man, and that is the power in that and not only building up your husband or spouse.

But hearing those words can be healing. And I think that's another part that we that we forget like well remembered something that was said to us in junior high right. I can remember what the mean girl said to me when seventh grade. To this day, and that was a long time ago and you think about how you carry those words with you. What about those positive ways like you started off with your story you can remember that when he was standing run that was sent to you, and I think that's awfully true in a marriage situation to that.

Those words are healing.

Those words are impactful for decades to come. We just need to remember that we have such tremendous power and we have to use that power in a godly and positive way in our relationships now in the culture. Your wife. She's not going to get any positive messages. Okay the advertising is not helping.

Walking by the Victoria doesn't have any secret store is not helping okay. Everything about what the culture has to say to your wife is negative, you're not enough of this. You're too much of that you don't measure up here. You're beneath standard. There how many moms feel like they're just doing an amazing job at home raising those kids and many just winners at this mother game. How many wives other feeling like that everything is against us.

Yeah okay there's a voice is just sitting right on your shoulder saying yeah you're failing again. Oh you let down again Outlook you didn't measure up again. All of these things conspire to cause a wife to feel diminished in the world. Where is she going to get the encouragement support to see herself in a proper light as God sees her.

You are the daughter of the king. You are a princess of the room you are somebody that God looks at and totally approves of.

Because of the blood of Jesus Christ you're somebody that he is completely equipped to be totally successful in the things that he's given you to do.

He's given you the grace and the ability to do things he's called you to do. Who is going to regularly speak these words into their wife.

It's our job as husbands to do this and it's so uplifting for Lisa to know that I am behind her. I believe in her and there's so many things that I can point out that she is doing a great job and to point those out lift those up and make real cause of the wonderful person that she is in the successes that she is and you think that it almost like he wants to back say okay if you haven't been speaking life.

Words of affirmation to your spouse house I got, you know, like a they change in the become the man you're trying to help them become or become the woman well the front of the answer is not not really what will guess what they there's a better way to do it not die what went and started speaking life and it was like I noticed it, like, way, way, way, this is to say I'm a good man. That's what I've been hearing so at first I sort of pushed back like no I member her specifically saying you're a great spiritual leader of our sons well and I go, no, not I literally said no not that I was thinking you've told me for years.

I'm not she had this vision of IB sit on the fireplace. I have this writing Bible… Hundred 80 pounds and I'd open up the slack. The work anyway. We had these guns.

I say, she thought, we have these family altars on Sunday nights and whatever it's up to church on Sunday morning I would now teach and I didn't do it that way I did it way of life and when she started saying I was good. I initially thought, I'm not. She kept saying it in different areas and I know I can look back and like she was sent on this guy way up here and I'm feeling like sorry to hear but here's what it did for me. It wasn't like I'll never get there is like I can be motivated me like words affirmation motivate people. As I okay I'm going become the guy she says I am that I'm not yet but I will be now. The guys like I changed not with words. A critique with words of belief and affirmation, and you know here here's the thing that we learned over the years is and I believe this for me. I don't know I'm sent nuts and I'm doing a great but I want my spouse. I want my wife to know how much God loves her. By the way I speak to her. She should know how much God loves her by my words so were my words saying she should be like me.

I am so loved by God, because my husband keeps telling me I'm an amazing woman and the truth is most is less come into marriage. As you said Lisa baggage were already carrying and wounds that we've been feeling for a while. I have felt and so it's almost like when Dave speaks words of affirmation to me it's healing some of those places of old wounds. We were doing a conference one time and a husband came up to me and he said I'm wondering if you could pray for my wife. She's dying, and we have several kids and I don't know what to do and I was thinking she had an illness and I said I would be so happy to pray for her what's going on and he said she's anorexic and she's close to the end of her life. She can barely walk because she hasn't eaten in so long and so I found her and she really was skeletal and I saw her and I said I would love to pray for you and I put my arms around her and she knocked my hands off and she said don't touch me and he said what she said. I'm so disgusting. Don't I don't want you to even look at me and her husband left her so much that she had so many wounds so many things going on probably and I hugged her and I said I don't care.

I see you I think you're beautiful and I prayed over her and as I was praying for her and she's wrapped in my arms she sobbing and not that that one prayer which heal all those wounds, but I think we need to remember of our words carry healing powers.

Well, absolutely.

There's just a few years ago. I am met walked by me in and I said you are so handsome and again is not actually I'm not actually that comfortable throwing things out like that. He's way better.

The time is yeah not and he had been just walking behind me and stopped and he turned back around. He said what did you say just stating the obvious, you are handsome and it's been a little flirtatious Tino.

He goes really I don't think of myself that way.

Beginning this is just a couple years about the very recently.

The May for 27 years and then he started telling me about his childhood.

He said when I was about maybe 11 or 12. He said I just thought I was so ugly had buck teeth and freckles and he literally went through the family photo album, and he tore out all the pictures of himself out of the family photos I can see all his whole family lined up. There is just like a jagged hole where he had torn himself out of the pictures and I had never known about him. I couldn't believe it and I just started weeping.

Just think that this young boy just thought it was so ugly that he didn't even want any reminder of his physical appearance and as you can see I've made. It was adjusted. A beautiful moment our marriage but it was also healing and reminder know this is what's true, there's some lie back in your head back and childhood that I know somebody said to you, or maybe just got it for yourself but let's correct that line. Let's tell the truth that you are beautiful in my eyes.

I think everybody listing is going. If my marriage had more this it would transform things and that's the reason you guys are breaking these two books is so that husbands and wives can have a little coaching on what may not come naturally to you, but once you get some practice and start doing this more intentionally watch what happens in your marriage were talking about the books that met Alisa Jacobson of Britain called 100 words of affirmation, your wife needs to hear hundred words of affirmation, your husband needs to hear. Encourage listeners. If you a woman to find a couple other women have an accountability group to go through this together and say hey let's do these next five this week. Maybe one per day and then call each other or text each other and say how did it go did you do it yeah and I think for men with men say don't let the women of doing this to you can go to our website@familyliketoday.com and get get both of these books together hundred words of affirmation, your husband needs to hear your wife needs to hear both books come together, go to family life today.com to order your set. The Jacobson's also wrote 100 ways to love your husband or wife. Those books are available in our family luck today resource Center as well. Again, go online, family life to the.com to find out how you can get copies of these books and how you can start implementing what's in the book how you can start carrying some of these things out doing some of this and build up one another in marriage. Again, go to family life to.com to order the books or call one 800 FL today hundred words of affirmation, your husband or your wife needs to hear order them online@familyluckto.com or call one 800 FL today to order. We want to take a minute and acknowledge those of you who are more than listeners to family life to you. Are the patrons the people who have made sure that family like to they would be here today to effectively develop godly marriages and families. Those of you who are donors to family life, you're investing in the lives of hundreds of thousands of couples every day who are benefiting from this program. This podcast from all that we do online resources are events.

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Thanks in advance for your support and be sure to ask for your copy of the book the dad difference when you donate and I hope you can join us again tomorrow. Met Alisa Jacobson will be here as well and working to continue talking about practical ways we can affirm one another in marriage think our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow