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The Headwind vs. the Tailwind Dad

Family Life Today / Dave & Ann Wilson, Bob Lepine
The Cross Radio
September 21, 2020 2:00 am

The Headwind vs. the Tailwind Dad

Family Life Today / Dave & Ann Wilson, Bob Lepine

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September 21, 2020 2:00 am

Pastor Bryan Loritts, a father of three sons and author of the book, "The Dad Difference," talks with Dave and Ann Wilson about the difference between a headwind father and a tailwind father. Absent, abusive, or passive fathers are headwinds forcing their children to squander much of their adulthood undoing what their fathers did or did not do. A tailwind father, however, is a dad who is present and an active, caring participant in their child's life. He sets his child on a trajectory for success and influence for generations to come by inspiring and pushing them to their God-intended destiny.

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One of the characteristics of a good dad is that he's there for his kids.

But as Brian Moritz points out, doesn't mean that he is there. Jeannie there on demand. One of the gifts that my dad gave me for that I'm thankful for. In hindsight, his dad just did make me the center of his world. Dad was very clear on a Ghats called me to do some things he would pull out the calendar before our athletic seasons he would go I can make you know these seven or eight games. He then put the calendar and say here's the trips I want you to go on so as a little boy he's taking me with him so he was very intentional but at the same time.

Dad was very clear hey I know you like those cleats. Let me tell you how you got those cleats I work. This is family life today hosts are Dave and Wilson on bottle peen. You can find us one of the best predictors of long-term success for young men and young women is having a dad who is purposeful, intentional, focused, and not always there to talk more about that today with Brian Lorentz stay with us and welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us. I remember a conversation I had. This was many years ago with a woman who had been a public school teacher and this was right about the time when diagnoses of ADD were starting to mushroom boys were hyperactive in the classroom and and doctors were starting to prescribe medication for these boys and and this teacher said ADD is a real thing but she said I think it's being overdiagnosed and she said I have a different acronym for it. She said I think ADD is not. Attention deficit disorder.

She said I think a lot of cases it's absent dad disorder. While I never forgotten that and I thought, I don't know that we fully appreciate how significant a father is in the life of his children in the life of a family, for good or for ill. His presence is significant. His absence is significant what whatever he does or doesn't do is gonna leave its mark and leave it's fingerprint you know this firsthand. Yeah, I mean essentially said about my first thought is my dad left when I was seven and I don't think there's a single day in my life and I'm 62 years old. Now that he doesn't influence me to this point reason the grave and even though I wasn't there. My life still and I didn't even know you until my junior year I became a follower of Christ, and as I start reading the Bible really for the first time as a man I did not know there was this phrase the sins of the father will visit down to the generation as I come across at a Michael living that and then I said to my nine-year-old son at that time CJ said hey CJ what you think it is first and he looks right back at me nine years old. He says dad don't sin, but he caught it at nine years old.

He's like, whatever you do, it's going to affect me and I remember feeling the weight of that like he's right. I have a huge responsibility say this as a woman as a mom, I have been astounded by the power that a man has in the home.

As I look at Dave. I remember saying to him Cialis of the power that you have the boys he would say something in the boys would be at rapt attention where I'm saying and I think everybody is when I say something to think this powerful voice in children's lives we have got a friend who is joining us to talk about this today. Brian Moritz is with us on family life to Brian. Welcome. It's great to be here.

Bob and Wilson's effect.

The last time I saw the Wilson's. I think we were at a conference together in San Diego. Yeah it is that it's a treat to have you joining us right as a pastor just can be a nice Brian is also honoring me because he beat me in golf know both of us They would not bet you are one of all of our favorite. You are Brian has is as spoken at a number of family life events.

He's a pastor and an author just recently became the executive pastor at the summit church in Raleigh, North Carolina, and Brian has written a book called the dad difference and he knows a little bit about the impact of a dad because we've had his dad regularly with us on family life that his dad Crawford Brian used start the book by saying that dad is the most powerful three letter word in the English language. When did you realize that did you realize that when you were growing up, and your dad was exerting that influence over you know I mean honestly, I think it was Mark Twain who said that youth is a gift wasted on the young. I mean, I didn't appreciate my father at all.

It was until I got out of his house and just started it older that I began to look back in and I realize how much the old man has has grown and then the combination of just getting older and smacked around by life and reverting back to these Crawford-isms as I would call them and then as a pastor, as I would just wait into people's lives and just walk with the sheep. The common denominator and an overwhelming majority of cases it's really true. All roads do lead back to home and specifically the influence of a dad. So much so that how one perceives another powerful three letter word.

God is oftentimes seen through the lens of dad.

It dawned on me recently that when God reveals himself to us and chooses to use the terms father son and Holy Spirit. This is an accommodation to human understanding God is explaining to us who he is and he says the best way I can explain who I am is to use this term and I thought he could have said it's COO, CEO and Comptroller, you know, you come up with any other illustration, but he picks, father, son and Holy Spirit as the way he explains who he is to us and I think a part of God's getting at with that insight. Bob is the relational aspect of it right.

Father is a very relational term. In fact, in the Aramaic. We talk about Abba father. I mean, that's akin to a three-year-old daughter climbing into her daddy's lap and just going Abba is a highly relational term and that's the consistent theme throughout the Scriptures. Even when Jesus is baptized.this is my beloved son in whom I am well please.

So it's a term of endearment a relationship and yet there's an intentionality as to why God chooses that imagery is our view of our own father. He mentioned to affect our view of God. How do those two go together. As I sat down with people that say who who may struggle with a legalistic God with a God who has a perpetual scowl on their face.

Oftentimes that's linked to a dad who, nothing was just ever good enough. So we just that's the paradigm that we just attach over to the Scott or or if the only time you really heard from your father was when he was coming down on you or there is justice. This negative thing coming. That's going to impact how I see got wind of the flipside, if you can't have this Disneyland dad maybe who was maybe detached from the home and out of a sense of guilt was just kind of spoil you to death. Maybe that might lead you down a prosperity road perspective that God just exists for your for your happiness, but it's not true in every single case, but in my experience in the majority of cases as a dad and I wish I would've been more tuned to this in the early days of parenting. I am not just handing my kids kind of a roadmap to life. I'm also giving them a perception of who God is and if you had had that perspective.

When your kids were babies. What you have done differently. I think I would've been a lot quicker to apologize because you realize real quick. I'm not deity. I think I would've been a lot more careful with how I disciplined the things that I said to them, tone of voice.

I just would be a lot more mindful. I look back on those early years of parenting, and think I could have been a whole lot more purposeful and intentional. Yes, in terms of shaping the direction of our family and the direction with my kids. I could have recognized. I got a big job here in front of me as a dad. Yes, and there are things here.

Only I can do and I better be really focused on this. I think I was I was being a dad in the margins, rather than being a dad in the mainstream and my kids would say are dead you're being too hard on yourself. You are right that they give me all of that but I think I look back on it go. I think there's a lot I could've done that would've been more intentional and I think that's the key word. When I think of great dads that I know they were intentional and when I think about my dad.

So the book dad difference.

It's dispel any notions. It's not about me being a dad because that story is still being written. I got three teenage boys 19 1715 and watery eyes were very progress right so it's really reflections on my dad and how he fathered me and he was intentional and he was my first Old Testament professor New Testament professor. We had a standing breakfast appointment every week when he was in town at the local Shoney's or McDonald's. I remember him taking out napkins and you know he was with crew for a lot of years of heat big four spiritual laws, guys, and he's right now is how you share your faith like six, seven years old and that he would okay I've explained to Tina watch me do it with the server take me on missions trips with them having the race support when I'm 10 years old, wanting to expand my faith know he's not perfect I make the point very clear in the book, but he was intentional and so Bob you hit the nail on the head and yet he was gone a lot when you talked about that brain you are saying that Crawford was gone. A lot of the timing yet it was at the time that he was home. He was intentional. Yes. So one of the things and I'm I want to dispel the notion they know my dad's a great debit is not fourth member of the Trinity. So I did not want to overwhelm the reader by giving them kind of this Instagram picture of my dad, in which the reader would just be exasperated going. I can never be that so I was real quick to point out the flaws in my dad and my dad would say if I had to do it all over again I wouldn't of traveled as much as I did, but at the time I didn't know any different to I think parents create the normal in the household.

So even though he was gone a lot. I just thought that's out every dad was in one of the gifts that my dad gave me through that. But I'm thankful for. In hindsight, is that just did make me the center of his world so dad was very clear on a Ghats called me to do some things he would pull out the calendar before our athletic seasons he would go I can make you know these seven or eight games and we were so happy. He then put the calendar and say here's the trips I want you to go on so as a little boy he's taking me with him so he was very intentional but at the same time. Dad was very clear hey I know you like those cleats.

Let me tell you how you got those cleats. I work and I can't show up to everything, so he didn't raise me with this happiness ethic and the last thing I'll say on that is I'm an Asian friend of mine and he was commenting on the difference in his perception of how Americans parent and how the Asian community parent and he said Brian broadly speaking in my perception the keyword for Asians. The one thing they want for their kids as we want them to be successful is looking at Americans. It seems like if there's one word that describes the parents aspirations for their kids as we want them to be happy and because of that, where unleashing into the world, not arrows. Some hundred 27 but boomerangs with a venture out only to come back and more, more, they're not resilient that's not an indictment on them this morning, tighten on us as parents, you and Corey made that exact point in the art of parenting video series. When we sat down and had that conversation you talked about happiness. If that's your goal you're setting your kids up for a wrong view of life and the future. That's right that's that's absolutely right. I couldn't agree with that. More so my dad he just he demanded certain things on us. I think after my first semester in college. I vividly remember him saying you know what God's bless us and I could afford to pay for your college. I just don't think that's good for you.

So I need to come up with 25% of tuition and so I'm working hard. By the way, my sisters didn't get the same deal better but dad was constantly looking for ways to get us to step up there there's a dad driving the car right now, or sit and listen in and obviously women as well, but they're asking this question okay if happiness isn't the goal with my kids wouldn't wish I be shooting for Brian what are you shooting for one of things I talk about in the book is a right up front. I just look at some hundred and 27 and this whole idea of the imagery of children being like arrows and when a warrior picks up that arrow. It's with great like we just talked about intentionality and that warrior is aiming it at a target and I think what what the goal should be is releasing from our home kids who hit their God ordained targets in their generation for time as my dad would say that we cannot see.

And so it's helping them to understand not just what job or career that should work in but the idea of vocation and Oz Guinness on Texas in his wonderful book the call and so dad was very clear on what is our unique bent and he would have us do different activities and I did evident from Sigma choir to playing football and athletics and all sorts of things and he would affirm those things that he said men when you do this, I just since the blessing of God and let me continue to encourage that. But when I sing in the choir. I think I sing for one Sunday he says yet that's not you you're getting out of it and so he very much saw his role as socialite Howard Hendricks says the three big questions in life is who is your master, what's your mission in Hoosier mate and dad saw himself as really helping to come alongside of us and setting us up to answer those three questions.

Well, I think you make a great observation here, a part of our job as dads is to figure out what is the unique bent for our child. So Ephesians 210. What are the good works that God has prepared before hand that our children should walk in them. There's a discovery on the learning process that we as mom and dad detectives. We gotta be digging in and saying okay who did God make this child to be, what are their gifts and abilities and passions and all that and then how can we help aim them so they can walk in that unique path that God is mapped out for them. Absolutely you use the phrase in the book you talk about a tailwind dad can you explain what a tailwind. Dad is yes I use this metaphor. You know I travel a lot and you know when you go from coast-to-coast. You figure pretty quickly when you travel from east to west your journeys. For the most part always be slower because you're fighting a headwind but when you're traveling from west to east.

Your journey typically is faster because you have a tailwind that's pushing you and in the book. I just make the point all dads are either a headwind or tailwind and no matter whether your dad was a headhunter tailwind. You can still get to your God ordained destiny.

But when you did not have an intentional dad who had this lofty vision. This transcendent vision for your life who was really a model of the desired destination.

You may spend some time just kind of undoing some things that he did to you. You can still get there and you will still get there. In fact, some of the best dads that I know are those who themselves had headwind debts who either by their absence or their passivity. Just introduce a lot of pain into that young child, so much so where will this person becomes a dad. This person says my child will never have to experience the pain that I felt and they don't say these terms but they make up their mind. I had a headwind I'm going to be a tailwind and honestly I get a lot of credit for a lot of stuff, but also the sovereignty of God. I just felt like because I had an intentional godly dad who invested heavily in me that just kind of fast track to me in life and that's the power of an intentional that a lot of us didn't have that. I certainly had a headwind dad and I and you know and shared here on this on the program before that on our honeymoon.

I break down like what second night there night. Second night yeah I mean literally in tears in his reprocessing together what what is this emotional weight and carried it hit me.

I'm can never be the husband you long for and deserve.

And there's no way I'm can be the dad that my kids will someday need, because I never saw it. I'm way behind the game on the negative and member I just I just I got a note on processing right now just been of the weekend. Remember you not heard the husband talk to dad dog. Now we give that talk but I was overwhelmed by that thinking I'll never be a will to do it. And just like you said, God's grace and again I'm a sinner saying I'm the perfect dad and my kids are perfect. I used to say don't judge how you did is apparent to your kids or 30 and now I say until they're 40. Because of the truth is, as you look back over the last 34 years God did something I could never do. And if there's a father listen right now, think, and I can never do this. Yeah, you're right, you can't. And that's right where God wants you. He wants to say I have to do it let me do it. Let me change you and I me to change your legacy through you just give me the chance to do it in you.

I remember having a conversation with Buddy Baucom, who grew up in a home without a dad, single-parent mom had an uncle who got involved and help shape him during his teen years when he was start to spin out and on the wrong direction and I talked about what what you do when you got this deficit you don't have a roadmap to follow. He said you read your Bible and you do what it says this and says you know this is the goodness of God who is the perfect father who not only gives us himself as a model but who also gives us instructions and he says so yeah there is a deficit in their holes and maybe you didn't see it flushed out. But God's word does give us instructions on how we are to interact and and live and raise the next generation.

The thing is, I think, for when we're longing for our husbands to engage to be those that you're talking about. And so we've tried all the tactics you know like for putting books by the table but I just heard on the radio to alert so-and-so's book emailing. So we're trying all these tactics. What is the best way for wives to encourage their husbands to engage as fathers.

That's a fine line right you want to encourage.

But you don't want to encourage on repeat and to put it mildly. That's what I think you know really get plugged into a good church getting into good community group putting yourself in environments where there are other people who were trying to journey in the same direction that you are and out of that you'll typically find some models some friendships some help. Maybe there's a there's a conference that you could go to with another couple.

That'll inspire you together.

Maybe there's a there's a reading group, you can hop in on but trying to travel with other people.

For since of encouragement.

You know you at one of the churches I served. We do this thing called the men's huddle. It was our men's ministry and we would watch such things as family life stepping up or 33 the series and men would gather together and there was just a sense of we are all in this together and there's this freedom to just talk about your vulnerabilities and I think was Rick Warren who said when men share strengths they compete when they share weaknesses. They draw close together, and that's really good and just bring in in those kinds of atmospheres. I just think it's it's helpful and if your husband were to happen to find that somebody had downloaded these episodes of family life to a onto his podcast feed on his iPhone.

They might go.

I wonder how this gutter. You don't have to reveal that you're the one who I would hope that that any husband, any dad who would see Brian's book would say I want to read this book.

First of all Brian I I just appreciate the fact that it's less than 150 paid you knew who you're right, and forward and you yeah and I won't elaborate on that is clear directly from the pump so we having talked about the subtitle, which makes us say we get to talk further, the four most important gift you can give your kids you just begs the question okay. What in the world are those for less about those so we will unpack those this weekend for those who want to jump ahead or make an Brian's book available to family like today listers who can help us with the donation to support the ongoing work of this ministry family like today's listers supported the fact that you hear us each day on this local radio station or as a podcast on on your Alexa device listing online however you connect with us that all happens because listers like you help make it happen by donating to support the production and syndication of this program along with the ministry initiatives of family life. You're helping us effectively develop godly marriages and families. That's what you're investing in. When you support family life to and if you can make a donation today would love to send you Brian's book the dad difference donated family life or call one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life than the word today. When you donate, be sure to ask for your copy of Brian Moritz book the dad difference and by the way, Brian, and Corey Moritz are a part of family life's art of parenting video series.

If your raising kids in the early years in the teen years wherever you are in that journey, consider getting this series and going through it on your own or with other couples when another couples get together now and socially distanced small groups or even online and learn from people like Brian and Corey Lorentz Bill Visscher Kevin DeYoung Dennis and Barbara Rainey, David and Wilson Alister Begg Elyse Fitzpatrick Jessica Thompson others who are a part of this series. Find out more about the art of parenting video series online, go to family life and the information you need is available there tomorrow morning to talk about the four gifts every dad needs to give to his children.

Brian Moritz is going to join us again tomorrow. Hope you can be with us as well.

I don't think our engineer today.

Keep links along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson and Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life, family life, to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas.

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