A Right View of Friendship

Some of her friends are life-giving, there are others who are draining, Kelly Needham says we need to know how to respond appropriately to needy friends. We tend to do, and he wanted two things at the meeting friends.

We either meet the need, because it feels good to be needed and it makes us feel important work we see them, and that the lobby we turn the corner going the other direction and I think there's 1/3 option for us and I think that we become signposts to Christ the only one who can meet those needs and that may mean difficult conversations where we have to tell that person a you are sucking the life out of me. We have to be honest and risk that moment of contention and conflict and say I can't can't be what you want me to be. This is family life today. Our hosts are David and Wilson on Bob looking find us on one family life today.com.

The Bible talks about the importance of friendships.

We all need friendships we need one another.

Sometimes those friendships can be draining. Talk about how we deal with that and other issues related to friendships today stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us. It would be an interesting conversation. I think if you are with a group of people and you said tell me about friendships that went bad and can be a lot of those.

Sorry. I'm guessing everybody could come up with a couple of what they thought were promising friendships and something went south, and the relationship got broken but maybe it's never been healed, or it was just never the same again. Even though you tried to repair it. That's one of the things I think that scares a lot of people off from even trying to pursue friendships because we know when it goes south.

That's really painful and hard and we don't experience those wounds again. So we shy away being afraid that I could happen and I would say the pain is really deep and it's because God made us to desire and need community and friendship. And yet when it goes bad it hurts, and so yeah natural response via a void that that all because we are talking about friendships this week with our friend Kelly Needham who is joining us again in family life today. Welcome back things you call your friend. Well yes Kelly is a writer. She's a speaker she's a mom she's a wife. She lives in South Dallas and the she has written a book on friendships called friend-ish reclaiming real friendship in a culture of confusion and a culture we talked about this a culture of loneliness. I wonder I'm seeing the statistics to talk about. We might be lonelier today than at any point in the last hundred years. Even though, as you mentioned earlier day, but were connected right through social media, but there are higher incidences of depression and suicide and things that come up because we know a lot of people, but were not well known and we don't have a lot of meaningful friendships as you were working on this book to see evidence of that. Definitely anything, people who had friends in their life still would verbalize adaptive loneliness that I would say surprising and I think some of it is that people are selling for digital friendships overreliance sometimes it's that they're settling for long distance friendships that they would prefer instead of the ones I find them and I think some of it is that the expectations of friendship are changing to you and people are more disappointed because their expectations are maybe higher than even they should be and so the disappointment is frequent and they feel isolated and lonely and I think sometimes the cocktail of all of those three things, and other factors.

Friendships that work well are life-giving.

Some friendships can be life draining. Some relationships can be unhealthy relationships. How can somebody know what to pursue. How can you want a healthy relationship, how you know how to put the right boundaries around it and make sure you're being the right kind of friend and make sure that the friendship is growing in the right kind of relationship.

I think when we think about how our faith impacts friendship that the big component because when were talking a Christian. Friendships part of what we discussing is friendships that we have with other people, where the one thing we can say were like together on my banking on is that only knowing Jesus can satisfy my soul only being in right relationship with God and my whole am I just failed to I have significance and meaning. When I look at my Christian sisters were going yes with everything else is different about you, but we shared that then were good and what I found in intervening a lot of people is that faith was very theoretical and intellectual, and not always lived out and so friendships are becoming a surrogate got a surrogate my source for them that they really only our faith should be so. The topic of conversation was Jesus was what they are learning in the Bible, but in a practical like lived out way I'm looking at my BFF for everything there, my Savior from my hardship when I'm experiencing sending her to not praying. I'm calling them and we might talk about Jesus and that but that is a clear boundary for me as a Christian that I know and when that starts happening when I start looking to a friend for something that only God can give me.

I need a backup.

A second and you know sometimes I find that for me they hate I think you're expecting needed be something only God can be but not everything will do that. Sometimes I have to see that backup that's a real boundary that is in place for me and should be in place for us as Christians. With every relationship are spouses included kids are saying that friendship can become an idol.

Yes, I found that to.

I remember one group of friends I had. We decided to make sure that when when something happens in your instinct is to call a friend in relation to call a friend that will agree with us with whatever has happened that we are saying instead of calling a friend right away can't call in to go to Jesus first and it was really an eye-opening experience to see how that is our first reaction is to go to somebody that will agree with us or commiserate with us instead of going to the Lord because sometimes he is enough. I think that that's not easy to do because we don't always like that of the interesting dynamic here is that sometimes it is the friend who is the person God uses to point you back to truth, so we are supposed to be agents of grace in each other's lives. So how can I differentiate between I should just deal with this with Jesus versus I should take this to a friend, and it's not codependent, but I do need this friend to help point me in the right direction. How do we process through all about right you do need people when we talked about that you need one another in some things you can't work out fully on your own because those friends are in us help you see what you can't see but I think when when I start to feel terrified of losing that friend in some way. That's usually a sign that I staked my hope in one particular person instead of the people God places around me. I need people I need community but I don't need this one specific person and that I think is an easy way that we can see some things off and that may come up in jealousy. If you have a fairly close friend and they befriend someone else and you feel possessive of them is not a good sign. I should be happening in us or they move they get a job you know there has been gets a job and they move across country and your freaking out thinking to make it simple. Something about that particular specific friend has been a little too heightened need people that you don't need a specific person insisting on if you've heard Tim Keller talk about V is a concept for very talked about making a person or thing.

The ultimate exactly are said it's like if you lose a friendship and you think my life is over means it was the ultimate it's not development now is can be disappointing. It's bad but it's not the end of the world. That's what you're talking about right. Is this whole idea that the friend becomes God in your life not Jesus that's unhealthy right so what you do about that how you step out of that when you realize it. I think pending on how far that's gone. It maybe depends on what it looks like stepping out but for me, we all face this by the way, in different varying degrees when I noticed that in me an intense fear of losing a friend or some jealousy when I went to my friends is hang out with somebody else or building any friendship about to move away.

That's a sign for me not to pull away from that friendship and to go talk to God about it go process with him and just repent God kind feel like I need this friend more than you and some is it just because we can see them and touch them. They can respond audibly to us and I want to wait for that to be flourished in my relationship with God.

Sometimes an idea on that same one sorry and and reconcile with him where I need that and then I found for me since I need to go to someone else. My husband sometimes sore and then to her and say I've elevated a friend, a little too high and I just need to tell someone else that we pray for me and pray that the Lord will give me a right view of this friendship and help me did not want to just take from that friend that be generous to them. I want my good friends moved from about five minutes away from me. To the north side of Dallas. If you live in the DFW area north and south side of Dallas because of traffic you could be estate away. I mean it's it's not nearby, and that was where the Lord is leading them.

It was hard because we had formed a really tight friendship where five minutes down the road and is mom's like that was gold and I was losing that I need to grieve that. But I also needed to be generous to her and send her away and not demand from her and I knew she was in any time to make new friendships and so I had to be willing to sacrifice that for her sake and were called to that as Christians to not just love the Lord of our heart. But to love one another.

Both you ladies this question have you do have things that happen in your life and you think, oh I need to share this with someone in the first person you think of sharing it with the doctor husband but it's your good friend and I'm I'm asking that in the context of I would imagine William would have those things in her life.

The tree was our first instinct. As I matured this with my girlfriends. Not with Bob. Is that okay and what how do you differentiate between what's right to share with your friends or what your future with your youngest and was so what are your thoughts on a really great relationship with with my husband and I think that I'm thankful for that. And I do want to share with him first.

If I can do your whole life is much as I can and I think that's how it should be and I've talked to a lot of women who there is tension in their marriage and so it's easier to share the friend and have seen a few friendships become really devastating to a marriage because that friend was becoming that intimacy that wife was missing with her husband, but there is so much pain in their history that she had current needs but couldn't voice and because of past hurts that were unresolved and what she needed from that other friend was to say I can't be this for you to push you back toward your marriage and I see you go both ways I've seen friends who are willing to do that and Sam not okay with being this type of friend family push you toward your husband.

But I've also seen someone step in and fill that role and it was not that it was it was unhealthy and so there are things that I find I need to share with another woman and I'll tell my husband about it him to process this with some cell and I just think her inside is a female is what I need. So I think it's okay that we have linen and for for men to to share with other men. Stuff that they need a process, maybe outside of the marriage, but let it be known in the marriage but that's okay.

But as soon as that friendship is becoming the intimacy, desire, more than the intimacy desire in your marriage.

This is not a good sign and one of the counterfeits in my book that I I tried to identify and put some language around his marriage mimicking friendships. I think were seeing friendships pop up that mimic the covenant of marriage and that they're not healthy that's not how God intended friendships to be what what he mean by that.

What is it look like when you have two friends.

It's usually do you know distantly what is a marriage marriage is to people becoming one unit and so when you see two friends becoming one unit that we have something exclusive that no one else is allowed into that's not good effort, friendship is always willing to welcome another friend. But as soon as you become exclusive and I don't want someone else in this and many create things that only we share and operate a unit that's not okay, you start to get jealous when you see your friend laughing over in the corner talking to somebody else and you go wait right there experiencing something that I thought was between us.

That's that's a little jealousy that ought to be a red flag. Do you agree something unhealthy going on here is we try to healthy jealousy. You know some woman is making advance on my husband.

I should feel jealous because jealousy is a product of ownership really belong to one another, but friends never belong to us and said jealousy comes up a lot in his marriage, mimicking friendships, Kelly what about friends of the opposite sex. That's always a tricky one. Like I've had some prior all and so therefore you know are we have high boundaries on that but love to hear what you say about that. I think what's hard as I deal with a lot of walk without a single linen and I do think there is a level of difference that they had that I have as a married woman and so a lot of what I encourage my young women toward is when someone is married, you interact with that person in the mindset of their one flesh. And so when I see like one of the pastors at our church that I would say I'm glad to see when I interact with him and also interacting with his wife and that frames the tone of which I interact with them in and when and when I want interact with them and for single men and women, though who in their 20s. There is a level of friendship that I think it's okay for them to have in some ways it's how those relationships are forming, but they're not yet married and so there's some boundaries that have to exist in there but there's a different way they interact with a married man versus a single man and that's a hard tension and of course I have to say this more spelled-out than I used to you, but for when I have to remind them your closest confidence need to be when they do not need to be men and vice versa.

It's okay to have a level of camaraderie with your brothers, were called to do this life together as brothers and sisters in Christ, we should be praying for one another in a way that's not segregated, but those people that are like they are when you're on the floor and tears are not should not be a brother that should be a sister in Christ, I found that Bob what you asked earlier about you knows it better to share with a friend or your husband, your wife. I think I realize years ago that and was sharing things with one of her best friend girlfriends I thought I was a good thing is beautiful.

You know that God gave her that they have that relationship but I realize after a while on on which we talk about this so please talk about here the radio. I started to realize.

I think she's going to Michelle because I don't respond well I don't seem to care only go, it's no big deal, but Michelle another woman's like oh I get this as I realize more.

Yeah, I realize that was a lack of my true friendship to my wife that she's going to another woman.I want to do and that that's not a bad thing. But if it's because her husband can't be a true friend. Not just because I'm not a woman but because I don't take the time to say I want know your heart and I felt like I had to change because I wanted to come to me and Michelle and Betsy and her other friends but I didn't want to run away from me.

Just because you, Dave doesn't really get it doesn't care when I could. I need to learn and I think I hopefully have an yet.

I think that you are good with me saying you know that I don't need all the details of what you're sharing right now but that's why it's great to have a woman who does care about all the details. I think one of the things that you did day for me was really helpful as he said this I know that I messed up and if you need to talk to your friends about how you're frustrated with me and what's going on in your marriage. I give you free reign to talk to her close friends about that now is a huge gift to me.

Especially being for him being a pastor of a church and there is a freedom there that I could say this is what's going on and I would try to honor Dave. Sometimes not all the time. Sometimes I would just event are so good in that they were the friends that went to saying yes you're right he's an idiot. They would say oh I'm hearing you let me pray for you. Have you thought about that or this. I think that's important to not just have friends or agreeing with you that as you are saying earlier like there listening for truth, they're always pushing us toward to Jesus and towards our spouse think that's really a good indicator of to know this is a good and needed friend. I think that something that should mark our friendships as Christians is that we are for one another, reconciling with God but were also for the institution of marriage where there were single and interacting with someone of the opposite sex or interacting with our girlfriends and their talk about their marriage that were not just for the friend before their marriage because it's pointing to the glory of God in his union with the Christ and the church so that matters infinitely in our friendship should be marked by that in a way that the world doesn't honor let the good be a good thing. Just a thought. God speaks to the husband's essay.

Ask your wife tonight. Do you go to your friends because I don't care. You think I don't care or I don't respond well how can I get better and I could go the other way you to the husband usually are guys which again there's a golf that's a good thing if that's what value friendship.

But if I'm rarely sure anything intimate with my husband or my wife because of that I need to know that it would take courage for a guy tonight to say honey tell me the truth, and then if it's true, it's like, okay, how can I get better at this.

I need alarm to be the number one friendship is a other question I like going to love all looks like a bumper sticker years ago that said, my wife says I never listen to her or something like that.

I wondered about relationships that feel draining relationships for the other person seems to not be contributing but just is sucking the life out of you what you do with those because you care about this person you want help this person, but there can be some people who are just a bottomless well of neediness.

There one time with you that we tend to do and I didn't want to think that needy friends.

We either meet the need, because it feels good to be needed and it feels good to be somebody's Savior and it makes us feel important, or we run away, far, far away.

We see them, and that the lobby we turned the corner go the other direction and I think there's 1/3 option for us and I think that that's that. We become a signpost to Christ the only one who can meet those needs and that may mean difficult conversations where we have to tell that person hate you. You are sucking the life out of me. We have to be honest and risk that moment of contention and conflict and say I can't be what you want me to be and I would like to be friends because I value you as a person, but this is draining and it makes me not want to see you and makes me want to be around you, and I would like that to change.

And this is what I can offer.

This is in this season of life.

This is what I have and you have to leave the ball in her court and they make it mad and talk bad about you behind your back and you can control that where you can say hey you know the things that you're saying to me that you want and that you're drawn to me and it's because of Christ in me, and he's accessible to you and you don't need me as a mediator to get to him and to have life.

You need to go directly to him yourself and I want to be a part of that for you and cheer you on and pray for you, but I can't be your go-between with Christ. But I think all those moments are things that we can do to be signpost to point to the sound of living waters that some of our job as Christians is the sound of living water satisfies are all prone to wander away from it in our friendships.

We need to come alongside Armando come back with me to the fountain of living waters come back with me there on the walk back there you come with me to. And sometimes people want to camp outside of that fountain and find it in each other and that's where I think needy people fall in the places they're looking us to be that fountain we going it's not me, it's Christ come with me we don't avoid, we don't meet the need. We point them to Christ. Is there any way as we want that for each other. We want that for husband's for a wise I talked to so many wives that have said my husband has no one. Is there anything we should do is wives I'm talking to all of you here like to really because we see the loneliness in our husbands and we want that for them. We want fellowship for them there anyway we can help. That should be say nothing should we say, hey, maybe you could meet Billy introduce them to people what you guys think would that be a total turnoff for you guys.

Great question for probably took about one another killing their somebody wrote a book on French, I think you know there's a way to approach her husband. I think that is honorable to them and not like finger-pointing you don't have friends, you know. But like I want that for you is anything I can do to help facilitate that there's anything I'm doing. It's not facilitating that and sometimes I found it.

My either desire to process talk with Jimmy actually drains him and he doesn't have the energy to want to hang out with other guys and or you know I filled our schedule to full with all sorts of things and he's tired from working a full job being in ministry parenting our kids and those are things I've had to learn to create space for him to have energy and the time to go out with friends and then to not make him feel bad for doing that when I'm left with cleaning up the dinner dishes and put in kids bed by myself because he's not see movie with the guys and I need to remember that's good for him. It's good in theory again but some is in the reality we go more work now and you do, but we become sacrifice for one another, but at least for our marriage. I had asked him what I do.

It's not helping us and what can I do to to foster that. I think that's what you've done.

I mean, that's a great answer go because I think and is than that for me is taken away the guilt factor like I want you to go out with the guys. I encourage you to play golf every day of the week for five hours know what you're obviously not true, but when the kids were little. There was a real tension. I never thought it was a rightful thing to do to be away from her and the boys with other guys I should be doing something more purposeful, but that's purposeful that it's not every day but there's a rhythm that she encourage and even a member. She said this. You're really good friend to get some really that encouragement is really easy you say in your books really easy to say where my friends rather than work in front of why when we look in the mirror and to recover from an iron farm good looking up from find friends deserve and want to come to me because I'm good friend. It was impactful for me when I read Emerson aggregates book love and respect because in it he talks about how men bond through shoulder to shoulder friendships or relationships and women bond through communication and so I think I was judging. Dave like what you guys talk about when you are together with your friends is like we were just playing basketball and I think I realize I can host some men bond. A lot of times through doing something together and I was judging the fact that they went deep or didn't go deep where is you guys really you would go deep but a lot of times it was just doing something together. So even encourage our husbands to do a sport to do an activity to do something with another guy could be encouraging a friendship rather than Natalie saying well. So what's going on, how deep did you go in judging. I think we have to take the pressure off his meeting to do that is, wives, tummy about it, is likely to come home, come home and tell me about his time if I'm in a nitpick at the death and figure out how meaningful it really was, and who shared widened, you know it's your soul refreshed.

Now like I need to just encourage you to go out in make the suggestion right now. I remember Dave coming home from golf saying oh my goodness, you guys were together for hours house John doing, get a new driver I'll close with this because one of the things we did with our guys.

Again, this is been decades together is we would rebook together.

And here's a book to read unlike and we met in this book and say let's talk about were doing a task. So sore shoulder to shoulder, but then once well journey Junior would you learn and we go to great before we do that support Kelly's written called for ambition. Kelly, thanks for being on family life today and for talk about all this with us was really helpful. Thank you so much. As for honey, let's hope that a lot of listeners will take the plunge and read the book with a highlighter maybe with some friends and maybe we can see some of the loneliness that many people are experiencing our culture today. Maybe some about come and evaporate as people learn how to be better friends with one another or website family life today.com for more information about Kelly's book friend dish you can order it from someone in the website's family life today.com were called to order our number is one 800 FL today so can the book is called for in dish or unwanted family life today.com or call to order at one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and the word today and all of us have had to think differently about friendships in these days because of the coronavirus and trying to maintain those friendships. Those relationships using screens and texts and phones and social media, but staying connected to one another because it really is important how we think and how we live out our lives in this moment is critical. This is a strategic moment for us as followers of Christ to be able to declare the goodness of God. When people are afraid of their wondering about have questions were so grateful that our friend Dr. John Piper has written a book that addresses the subject of the book is called coronavirus and Christ the print edition of the book is supposed to be out in a week or two, but we have the audiobook and the e-book available now, and it's available from us for a free download. All you have to do is go to family life today.com and you can download either the e-book or the audiobook of John Piper's new coronavirus in Christ book we want to thank the folks of desiring God for making all this possible and if you missed our conversation with John Piper earlier this week. That's available as a podcast online. The family life today.com as well.

Our team is also working regularly to put up new resources to help your family know how to make the most of these days activities you can do together as a family ways to go to keep your sanity in the midst of all of this social distancing.

So look for that when you go to our website as well. That's it. Family life today.com and thanks to those of you who support this ministry and make all of this work possible. We are grateful for you and we're praying for you in the midst of this time will be a great weekend.

Hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend and hope you can join us back on Monday. Talk about commitment in marriage think our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson about keeping see back next time for another edition of family life, family life today is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas ministry help for today hope for tomorrow