Like Mom, Like Daughter

As a teenager, Maria Furlow struggled with insecurity and body image issues as an adult she thinks differently about those things now, but she admits she still tempted by those old insecurities.

It is hard for me when I'm sitting next to a woman eating a salad without some addressing. That reminds me of all my past her and failure of of growing up thinking that that is the right way to be as a woman to eat a salad with a salad dressing. So, I acknowledge that in myself and that something that I have to constantly be prayerful about. And so I am aware of the way that I am talking about food when I'm around other women.

All of our convictions are different. What you are convicted about your body and how you want to take care of it is different than mine.

And that's okay and I don't believe it has to look the same for everybody.

This is family life today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson Bob Lapine find us online. The family life today.com how do we think rightly about our own body image issues and how do we keep from trying to get other people to conform to our preferences talk more about that today with Maria for talking to family life today.

Thanks for joining us. You ask an interesting question earlier this week that you you are I ask a lot of interesting man. Now this is my wife is sure you are asking is it possible for a young woman down grow up in this culture and to avoid the trap of body image defining who she is and even a young boy now that's a good point. It really is dominant both as men and women were or talking this week with Maria Furlow's joining us on family life today. Welcome back, thinking Maria is an author, she's a speaker she's a mom she's a wife she's got five kids at home she has wrestled with body image issues herself. She wrote a book to try to disciple her own thinking on this right. This was basically how you're going to deal with this in your own life and the need to shared with with other people seemingly incompetent. The book is called confident mom's confident daughters helping your daughter live free from insecurity and love how she looks when your daughter was born 12 years ago was this on your mind that body image was something you're gonna have to Shepherd with her. Yes, I was struck when I was holding her at how much life insecurity had taken from me and how the way that I looked at my body limited me from doing so many things I didn't want that for her and said that became my heart cry when I held her to be able to help her have a different outlook on the way that she looked at herself and I did was an eating disorder ever a part of your past, I had what was called disorder eating and I think that that has become a more defined thing now that that is helpful in that we are controlling what you're eating in unhealthy ways, but it never becomes a full-fledged eating disorder and interacting with binging and purging.

I wasn't binging and purging are not eating for days. But in seventh grade I distantly remember thinking like I was eating my lunch and then throwing it out so that it look like I was eating, but that I was in, or at dinner.

Kind of like skirting around my food and moving around to make it look like that I was eating but I wasn't. I was eating enough to still you know maintain a healthy body. This is radio and we haven't talked about this week, blisters can't see you right, you would have an average body image. I mean if we took you to the doctor they way, say your your NetWare you to be a woman you're a Jeff now is a good way.

How is that always been the insecurity not discriminate insecurity in who we are and and how our body in shape is not based on our size and that is why it is a chasing after the wind in the most specific sense that we will fight and we will fight and we will fight to love how we look, or get to the place or we think our body is just right and will never get there because it doesn't exist.

So it's as much an issue for thin women is for women who are overweight, yes, yes, absolutely it is confident mom or confident man or woman doesn't mean that when I look in the mirror I would be satisfied that there wouldn't be any sense of. I wish you and I could get a little edge ago gone. I wish I could is completely gone from confident it's contentment. It's contentment, right where you are and accepting the fact that if health is something in your life like getting your body to healthier, stronger place if that's a pursuit that you feel called to then find but it's not based on what you see in the mirror. It's based on a pursuit to grow in an area of your life that you think needs growing and not based on what you see somebody says to you, your husband or girlfriend says you have you lost weight. You look amazing. You got this look. I sleep all I see a rice bonded so you got this furious look.

Now I can say this because I don't have to see any of the people that I'm talking to.

I really have a hard time with that statement and in college I had become addicted to dieting pills. I had become addicted to them because I was afraid to stop taking them what would happen to me and so I decided to pursue counseling to help battle that he said something to me that I will never forget.

He said you need to go home to your family and you need to ask them not to say anything about your appearance, positive or negative. Because the positive compliments about how you look only feed your insecurity that you have to constantly be working at the way that you look because if you stop and people stop complement in you. That means that you failed and that means that you've gotten too heavy or something like that though statement. Some people say or I he'll hear them say it's hard for me and I have to navigate the waters to see if it's opportunity for me to be able to share some of the things that God is talk to me about but that is not a compliment that I will ever give because I don't know where that person's heart is and I don't know what that complement would do to them. So it's not like I don't notice or that you don't acknowledge, you know losing weight gaining weight is a part of this side of heaven. I'm pretty sure we won't get it down until we get our perfect bodies right right so I'm not going acknowledge that that's not something that happens but it's not something that I'm going to take time to complement in a person because I don't know what that could do to them sought as a believer.

How does a Christian view this aspect of their life.

What should my motivation be to honor God to be healthy. In terms of physical. I think that's a great question and it's one that I have to track tenderly because all of our convictions are different. What you Dave are convicted about your body and how you want to take care of it is different than mine. And that's okay and I don't believe that it has to look the same for everybody and you know the Bible talks about what by you eat because somebody else to stumble, so it is okay that my conviction about eating is different than yours, but I want to protect that in me and in you to not pass that around. So for me I'm very consciously aware that it is hard for me when I'm sitting next to a woman eating a salad without salad dressing. That reminds me of all my past her and failure of growing up thinking that that is the right way to be as a woman to meet a salad with a salad dressing. So, I acknowledge that in myself and that something that I have to constantly be prayerful about. And so I am aware of the way that I am talking about food when I'm around other women, but that doesn't mean to say that I think that her eating a salad with no salad dressing is bad for her that that's a wrong choice, but I just acknowledge the fact that that is a choice that people are watching and noticing and there could be some hurt or insecurity that that rises up, you know, sinking its variation in the NFL in the National Football League because in every locker room, at least in Detroit. It's in the center of our locker room is a scale that every day every player has to get weight.

But here's here's why it isn't how they look.

Its mission way we're trying to win the Super Bowl. You need to be a certain way to help us do that. You know that we know that's we have a common goal. So they step on a scale not, there's a body image and those guys are thinking I look good or not look good, although that's dominant but they're thinking this number here is important for my mission and so hit me just as you are talking tell me if I'm right or wrong as a Christian it could be our motivation is I'm a soldier were soldiers and on mission now and I should think about food and even body image.

In that aspect its mission all night so I'm not eating less or eating more working out just to look good, but I'm in a battle I want to serve God as best I can so I want I want to watch what I'm doing with my body so I can be a great soldier's accent so that's a great perspective. Our bodies are for using guy we have work to do and God has given us these body parts to use them, and so yeah I think that is a great perspective to have that is our goal and that is our desire to be able to work well with what God has given us, not because of what it looks like but because of what it can do when it strong and healthy.

Let me go to the mom part of this and raising your daughter when your daughter was three or four years old.

What kinds of things were you doing at that stage in her life to try to sow seeds of confidence and try to make sure the body image wasn't gonna show up as a big deal. 10 years in the future when my daughter was three and four. I was really practicing working on my confidence in making sure I was getting that down and then constantly sharing with her about how amazing God created her and all of the ways that he created her in her gifts and in her talents and in her personality and really just having that be the baseline of our conversations and then really just practicing my own confidence. I think those are really great practicing years when friends would say your parents or friends will take sweetheart you look so cute yeah did you just let that go yet cute is fine to me skinny, larger, heavier, you look so small. These are the things that I kinda get mama bear about and so I'm tender to only interject when I feel like it could be a really damaging statement to her but thankfully, my family and extended family is extended family for me growing up was a really hard place right because we can do the work in our nuclear family that sometimes doesn't extend where, when, extended family, and so I am particular about what is said about my girls, but I think because I was doing that when she's three and four we got in the practice times when she went into elementary school and now all of a sudden there's comparison going on.

All of a sudden the other kids are dressed in certain ways did you start to see seeds of this developing in her own psyche and did you start to speak to her about some of the things that I think is important for us as moms is to be willing to own our own stories and to talk to our girls about our stories so I tried to use age-appropriate stories from my own life to engage with conversations with her. You know when she's six, remembering some of my experiences from when I was six or seven and then bringing up the topic of conversation to even say something along the lines of like you know honey you might start hearing ways that people might talk about themselves that you know is not very confident. You know maybe that they don't love certain things about themselves like you can be a light to them to tell them how awesome that they are but just also know that that is not something that you have to take on and believe and just have kind of like open conversations and of course you know as they get older you get viral leavening. I love that you're opening that door in your book you have signed your daughter is struggling or thinking about it.

Yeah. What are some of those signs it gets really easy in parenting as our kids are so little and then all of a sudden they get to their tween to their teens and their dislike fine sitting in their homes. You like this is so peaceful away. I should probably go talk to them and as I really try to make constant popping ends because isolation in your room is a really big deal I used to do that that's the place where I struggle. That's the place where I was secretly looking up things and so really just being present and really acknowledging where my daughter is going on any technology that she has really focusing in on pictures of physically fit people are constantly seeing people dressed in certain ways can be damaging to our security and so keeping tabs on if if those are the types of things are girls are focusing on.

So with that and over obsession with kind of like stars in what they're wearing and doing coming from a place where your daughter has always had joy in eating and then all of a sudden you know know I want that or not pass on that. This not necessarily right. These are not like red alert. These are like you know should I draw in there as a mom turning down the snack that they've always had just acknowledging any changes in what they're eating and choices and also the way that they talk about themselves right in the way that they talk about other young women and to just pay attention to these indicators and to enter in as moms because I'm noticing that as a kids grow up, we really do have to work hard to interject ourselves into situations.

It's kind of easy just to be passive and to not do anything about it but noticing and being prayerful always asking God to help me see the times when I need to enter in as a month and talk to her about this topic when I seen I had a best friend who has had total freedom in this area. It's so unusual to see a woman in freedom. The first time we went out to eat cheese from the south, and here I am with my salad no dressing she's eating chicken fried steak.

I'm thinking there like in the world and she looks beautiful. She's great. The next time we go out. She gets this pastor with the screenshots which for me I'm like what is happening and so she looks at me says we eat like I said so interesting. You asked that because I'm thinking the same thing worry about what you each of us worried about what I do, you thinking everyone worries about this.

Are you kidding me, but it was so fascinating for me to watch her raise her three daughters because she became this magnet. She's beautiful and yet not focused on her external beauty was more internal and all of her daughters friends.

They wanted to be with her. They wanted to know, like she had this freedom and she doesn't worry or talk about.

She doesn't have a scale and I saw her daughters had that freedom to I don't think we realize how much pressure our young girls are under and how is work that it's like this magnet that draws other women in their asking pretty fine for somebody close to that.

She must have a hyper metabolism or something because if I just think about chicken fried steak with cream sauce out at 5 pounds. Thinking about and she did like as she got older and her body was changing. She did kind of had a little bit more of a regulation on what she ate, but it never hears the difference it didn't consume her and she would get on me when I would say my pants are too tight. I need to lose some weight.

She really get on me and might have this conversation. I said I want you to think about this because it's like a balance beam for me. If I'm consumed with food and dieting all the time I'm consumed with that but if I'm eating so much. My food becomes an idol. My food becomes I don't have any control of it. For me it's almost is God in control because money for the spirit of self-control.

So it's almost being too overextended. Either way, I like to be in the middle where not thinking about it very much.

Does that make sense, absolutely.

And is there a balance yes, but I think what balance looks like for every person is different. Dear balance might look different than my balance but it is there needs to be joy in the food right and she had lots of joyful meals right he could've given us any way to nourish our bodies.

He gave us food and so really just acknowledging that God gave us the food is a gift and to figure out in my life how I can treat food like a gift and model model it that way. Your oldest is 12 and some would say you ain't seen nothing when it comes to write this battle right confidence, right, I mean most 11 and 12-year-olds are confident it's junior high writable score. Confidence starts to get shaken in a huge way you did you go through for years. You know a little bit about this, but these were daughters going produces other people start right onto Road. Are you ready for the next six years. I am as ready as I can be in. And I've acknowledge the fact she's in sixth grade and also she is in middle school, but I realize that this is not going to be perfect and that there are going to be ups and downs but I needed to be as ready as I could be with tools in my toolbelt so that when she comes to me and she says I think I'm fat or when she comes to me and says I think so and so my classes that I'm ready for that and I'm prayed up for that and I acknowledge that we can get through this and I have things that I can offer to her have tools in my toolbelt and I have protected our home as best that I possibly could be with these types of things to be ready for it. So when she's 15 done for family dinner and she says you say here have some potatoes and she said no and that's all she says right you say a bit of a conversation with her.

Just let that go and I think I don't say anything at that moment, I think that that's where me and I think lots of other moms and women would agree.

That's when we put foot in mouth when we just immediately react and so definitely putting some time between the conversation to have some prayer time. But yeah, I do think that I would have a conversation with her about the NA open ended conversation and listen in my particular excerpts or circumstance is my daughter she knows my thanks right like where primary schools on these type types of conversations we started having them and so to me coming up to her and asking her like you know I just wondering like why you chose not to have potatoes like her are you struggling anyway what what are your thoughts about the potato. This will not surprise her, but not being afraid to ask those questions and knowing that God is going to have a story for her and it's not the end of her story, but not being discouraged by that and I do believe that there can be a generational shift in this and that is a big reason why I wrote this book was because I do believe that a generational change is possible and that there is a rising up of young women in our church that can view their bodies the way Christ created us to view our bodies, such as that in his image and let's assume that she maintains a healthy weight throughout her junior high and senior years. As we said earlier, that doesn't mean that body image is not an issue for her. So what are kind of the regular check ins you will be doing with her. Yeah, during these years just to see how is she thinking about her own beauty. Close shopping is one just acknowledging both of our comfort levels with close shopping, being aware of when when we grow out of close even for herself right like I'm not gonna come into her and say I need to get those genes to your room, but acknowledging okay working to schedule a time to go go shopping and get some new things. I think also paying attention to her interactions with her friends for her 12 your birthday party at night junior high girls over at my house and that was just so fun but really listening to how they're talking to one another and there was one particular thing that happened that I was able to witness that I didn't say anything at the time, but I rolled back around both her and her best friend had lingered after the party, and I had a conversation with them about one thing that I had heard her friends say and just to make her aware of certain ways that sheet maybe should think of responding to her. If you hear something said like that or not, was a friend told inappropriate jokes that I don't even think that her friend knew was inappropriate joke and I don't think that any of her friends knew that her friend tells inappropriate jokes, but it's something that if she had repeated to somebody else or didn't even realize what she was saying and so I just wanted to blog. They were having these conversations in front of me and I wanted to make sure not to. At that moment say in the world and say that but to not ignore it yeah you know is a go in the high school so much of their body image and how they think about it will be determined by their friends and the balance that I hope that that's not true. I hope that if you give them the confidence that they have places where that they've heard other things regularly over time and consistently and to talk honestly about it. Like if your daughter comes to you are my daughter comes to me and says I think I'm fat instead of just saying you are not fat your beautiful saying I am so sorry that you feel like that, you know, sometimes I feel like that to and then offering her the opportunity to maybe share why she feels like that she's fat and reminding her that I've been aware that she is, instead of just shutting it down right don't feel like that and that feeling like that, offering her the opportunity to elaborate a little bit as to where that route feeling comes from.

I think to giving our kids something Baker to live for. Yeah just about what they look like, or the size pants they're wearing. Instead, God created you in a way to do something on purpose, for the kingdom to expand his kingdom. It's getting them vision for how God will use their gifts and strengths and I think that that takes her eyes off of ourselves as good for me to know not not just me but for our kids to think that's important to give your kids a heads up as they head into these years and be able to say sweetheart look you have friends who are to be so focused on their appearance and their way. You hear these things and that's gonna come your way. What you need to know is that there's a lot of insecurity there there find their value in the work of the wrong things and when you hear those things you need to pray for those friends of yours and you need to understand not thinking right that God says our work and our values in the six I think helping your kids know these conversations around the corner so that when it happens ago mom told me that like this. And then there alert with my go oh I just maybe mom does know what she's talking about time to time. I think the strategies you've outlined here are so helpful for moms begin the big strategies. Go start with yourself and say do I have the right way of thinking.

Do I have a God-based confidence that my appearance is not what's going to find me as a woman as a person and I'm grateful for the time we been able to spend talk about this.

Thank you for being here thinks that I would like to just say if it is possible for me. If God can do that in me, this little insecure teenager that really hated the way she looks.

I really believe that it's possible for anybody that's a good word thank you and we hope God's gonna do it for a lot of people who have been listing this week. We hope a lot of them will get your book back or making your book available this week to listeners who can help support the ministry with the donation. Your ongoing support family what today is what makes these kinds of conversations possible. So if you can go to family life today.com and make a donation of any amount or call us at one 800 FL today and donate will send you Leo's book as our way of saying thank you for supporting this ministry go to family life today.com make an online donation and ask for a copy of Maria Furlow's book confident moms confident daughters or call one 800 FL today make a donation by phone and again asked for a copy of the book we been talking about on the radio this week were happy to send it to you and were so grateful for your support, particularly in in these times because this is been a stressful season for many of us I'm sure that's true for your local church, other ministries like family life today.

Whatever you can do to be generous and support those ministries that God is using in your life. Trust me, they they will be grateful.

I know we will be grateful for whatever you're able to do to help support family life today this season tomorrow. Barbara Laney is going to join us some thoughts on where we need to think. We pray you join us for that conversation. Thank our engineer today along with our entire broadcast on behalf of our hosts Dave Wilson been back next time for another family life, family life today is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. A crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow