The Desire to Control

There is a line between helping one another in marriage and micromanaging your spouse, Shannon Popkin says she eventually came to appoint her marriage where she realized she had crossed that line. I didn't know that when I was constantly picking at him about the way he would leave his whiskers and think in the afternoon working on my cleanup. The protein powder encounter indicates an interest constantly on these nitpicky little things that she wasn't doing it right.

Interesting was over and over and over communicating measure of disrespect has been trying to make it. This is family life today hosts are Dave and Van Wilson on Bob Payne find us online@familylifetoday.com have your attempts to help your spouse crossed the line. Have you become a controlling person will explore that subject with Shannon Popkin today stay with us and welcome to family life to.

Thanks for joining us.

I think they you and I should probably just say nothing for the rest of the time, don't you think I don't know what you think about. I want to control this is because I can be glad if you wanted to hide. I think I think there may be other people here who would prefer to control here talking to me so what were we talking about the, the issue of control and it's not that guys can't be control freaks, but I think you better stop before others struggle with wanting to control situations well maybe it's because by default guys often do you know maybe we just look at an end and we just live in a culture where it's just assume guys will take control over their supposed to or something. I have just observed that this idea of wanting to be in control of your environment, wanting to be in control of your safety and everything. This seems to be an issue that women I have known in my life and I'm not thinking very, can we just stop and think I'm really good at taking control of the a better woman in control of this really is a struggle of mine, and I think it is to a lot of women to be great because it it has been. We set it here in the air many times a struggle in our marriage so to talk about sending a love not just my wife's most controlling woman I know it isn't that know it is that we both struggle with it. A lot of people doing that is a tension and probably all marriages. So let's go Shannon Popkin is joining us to help us have this conversation Shannon, welcome to family life to anti-Semites. Shannon is a wife and a mom from Western Michigan. The other side of the state from where you guys live. She is an author and a speaker and has written a book on this subject. I presume because you recognize that some point. This was an issue for you not immediately know that I had any control issues interesting as I would've said the same thing. Dave said you trying to take control and I was thinking now I'm just a leader in good stead, to make it. That's think in general, what women feel about taking control, and you know a lot of people who have this but have decided I picked this up kinda for somebody else.

I can give advice there.

You know, kind of person that you sent and recognize like maybe this is something that I struggle with the book were talking about is a book called control girl and you say in the book that you thought your issues were more anger related than control related and then you got a wake-up call about that I know anger. I definitely recognized I was reading books about anger and asking friends to hold me accountable in anger was something I didn't like. I sigh myself and he didn't like it is driving in the car and listening to deep resting on the radio program can like this since she is talking about how we have these surface level.

Since that cannot bubble to the surface and and we see these things and we recognize and but sometimes they're tied to this core underlying sin and she mentioned the session of control. I think she also mentioned in their anger and it was the first time that I had never considered like I think maybe my anger is result of this underlying desire that I had to take some getting mad and losing my bar because of something that I want control of and I can't get an insight is the first time I ever tied us together and from that point on I started asking myself like when I would feel the anger rising okay. Is there something I'm trying to control here.

Is there something I feel that I'm losing control of and more often than not, the answer is how we say or how to do you say controls the sin is part of me thinks controls good get on leading taking charge of my life and yet your sin. It's almost underneath. This anger thing. It's a sin explained that yet, so it will control is wrong when we were taking control, something that is not ours to control and I think ultimately if were trying to take God's place for trying to play God for China and set ourselves as God guides, though, and is ultimately in control.

He manages the details and he oversees the circumstances and and just when when were talking about our share. We should take control we should take responsibility for the fruit of the Spirit is self control is a healthy thing.

It's when were trying to control other people trying to control circumstances that are beyond our control.

Trying to control our environment when that's not our job to do. That's when all of a sudden it starts to get ugly and were really rebelling against God's providence when were trying to take control of most situations right yeah and there's kind of an irony with this we tends to want to control the things that are not ours to control and then we tend to lose control of ourselves in the same process alike. Anger for me losing my bar and anger. But it was because I was trying to control the things that were not mine like in your life when you're trying to get control. He started utilizing this and listening to yourself watching yourself this play out. Yes, I could be driving in the car and the kids are arguing in the back seats and I would be like the client I'm trying to drive here I am on the phone and I don't want that the person to hear my kids you know yelling in the back and I became friendly and and I'm getting angry and instead of maybe stopping with pulling the car over asking the person if I can call them back and taking responsibility as a mom like let's train the kids here you know I was losing control.

That's an example of something that that is 90 control Nizam manage my children and I should train them to not be screaming at each other and because we have an accident in the front seat right and so that's part of my job but ultimately I can't control all of the contingencies of what is it about driving a car that deals with control because you don't have control of the other people I'm not sure women deal with the car as much as our spouse exactly. Yeah like he's got that control and I'm trying to control him out right.

Yeah, I remember reading for women only by Sunday.

Feldman and going out for dates with my has and afterward had just read the chapter on you not disrespecting my husband and there was an illustration about driving instructions and I decided to put that in practice, I decided to on the way to the mall not give him any instructions and then when we we made it there and he did not choose the room or the parking spot.

I was, but he did it with and then when we got inside and we sat down at our booth. I decided to not correct his menu choices are not to sit where she wanted to say I just I just decided to ride shotgun here on this day, and she looked into my eyes and said to spend like this novel amazing thing.

I think as women when we take control, especially intermarriages. We don't realize that where were communicating level of disrespect toward since I didn't realize that I didn't know that when I was constantly picking at him about the way he would leave his whiskers in the sink in the bathroom are not clean up the protein powder on the counter in the kitchen and constantly on these nitpicky little things are in parenting like she wasn't doing it right and I just didn't trust him.

I was over and over and over communicating a measure of disrespect to my has been anything to make it turn out right. I can so relate to your situation because I was doing the same thing. Interestingly enough, I read Conti's book as well for women only. I actually read it first front of her and said you know, and it was sit in our kitchen huts and I saw the subtitle understanding the inner lives of your minimum like what is this woman know about that I started I might read this, but it was so convicting, but what it does it.

It takes you on a journey of helping you to see what you're doing that you been doing a long time that you didn't notice, is very controlling and disrespectful and so I started gauging my words. If, yeah, I was always nitpicking. I was always fixing Dave of what he didn't do or didn't do, and so I was teaching a Bible study and said hey for five days.

Let's not criticize or try to control her husband. We came back in this one woman said this was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. She said my husband is loading the dishwasher and he always loads it wrong.

Like I know how to load exits of D are you the express yes yes I am the expert of loading the dishwasher did Jesus let it go. She said I did it was killing me not to say something. I went upstairs I went to bed and I said, this is really hard. I I was victorious in that I didn't say anything she said but half hour later I went down and I changed everything and I put it where it should be part of the dishwasher is interesting. Where does that control for us as women. Where does that come from. I think it starts in the garden of Eden when there was that tree in the middle of the garden.

It's really interesting. I put that tree in the middle right is when I don't think it says something I don't put in the middle of the counter in the middle of the room.

I took it away when they can't hide it yet and so that tree in the middle like maybe they're brushing past it on a daily basis think that tree posed the question as they as they brushed against sick I was asking you. We live in daily surrender to me, he's God, and we are not and so when Eve took that fruits she reached out she took the fruit, and so instead of living in surrender to God. She took control for herself. She bit into the fruit and she became what I call the first control girl and then God spoke a curse over the whole planet but there's a little phrase in the curse that is centered on and Eve says your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you, and that was sexual desire made no sense because I thought if women had more of that their husbands would not consider that occurs. It didn't make any sense and I remember listening to a sermon once by John Piper and he was explaining that verse and explaining that business desire. It's a desire for control to desire that there's parallel language in the next chapter in Genesis 4 where God speaking to Cain and he's saying sin is crouching at the door desire is for you.

You must rule over it. And so when you take that meaning back to Genesis 3 just the picture the woman is like the crouching animal desiring control, wanting to pounce on her husband but not just her husband and this curse that we live under it affects our marriages are parenting really has its fingers in all of our relationships. I have a hypothesis that what's behind that in or talk about the sin behind this and I think a lot of women have this thought meant habit to not try to be exclusive, but we want to control because we have the illusion that if were in control, but more safe that if we are in charge.

Then things won't go wrong because we'll be there to make the right decisions and it's an illusion because life is not safe right circumstances can come after that you can handle safety is found when you're surrendered to Christ. It's not when you're in control and yet this is the idea that if I'm going to be secure if I would be safe. I have to be in charge and so I think a lot of what motivates this this behavior that you're talking about where it's turn here or do this or go this direction.

Miriam and I we will pull into a parking lot somewhere, and I will pull into the space and she will just stop and she will go. We are just so different, so what what you mean and she said I would have parked way over there farthest away from the store so I could get my steps in going door guy good get more steps I'm going. Don't you want to be the closest to the doors and let everybody subject not Miriam so she is learned over time that these are not things that we should dial a vibrant overtime. It's okay to park far away and walk a little bit right, but the I do think that there's something about I'm only really safe and secure. If I'm in charge and you just have to recognize even if you think you're in charge or not. And even when you think you're in charge that's still no guarantee of safety. I think this is really particularly an issue with American women as American women have rights and we have money and we have no medical insurance and an insight just think that the façade is thicker, God gives us these opportunities where he cuts and leans in and gives us these things that we cannot control.

You know, he might give us a child that we can't control it might give us a difficulty in our marriage.

He might as the cancer diagnosis or the accident or their these these moments in life where it just becomes painfully obvious that were not in control and those are invitations invitations to reorient ourselves and remind ourselves that he ultimately is in control and we are not and that is a good thing it does not bring deep security and peace and joy to think of myself as the one in control like I'm going to create this peace and security. That's I reach out and I try to take control and I and I totally agree with what you're saying. Like from the parking lot to you know how where the kids are going to go to school to all these different contingencies. I'm trying to manage them because I have an idea in my mind of what a happy ending.

Looks like and I feel like it's all up to me to keep everything pointed in this direction, but this façade is not leading me anywhere that I want to go because little by little by little and becoming more controlling woman is not pretty. So, talk about how this you've already mentioned it, but I know in our marriage. This almost due to sin. The control thing that I felt as a husband you talk about a little bit, but it is a big deal marriages because men can do it as well write it isn't just a woman thing.

But you know what our book came out vertical mergers, a chapter and are called all I hear is blue and it was all about. Cut to the chase because we told it sometimes, but you know I felt that and just boot me when I walked in the house and I got applauded everywhere. Also, guess what a man does want to come home. He wants to go on, so some of that was control the thing that buzzed around the Internet when Ian wrote a blog about that was that topic. So maybe were like oh that's my marriage that's my virtually you knew this was resonating with specially husband's gone yeah never connected boo are control to disrespect, but that's what it feels like and you both talked about it.

So how does a woman you know we could talk him into but how does a woman get to a place where she backs off like you did that that one day the restaurant that was a euro an hour to how does a woman live that way to really trust her marriage and her and her man to God and let go control.

I realized early on that I had to back up to unity.

Talked about that moment that the husband comes through the door and that wasn't the moment that I had to start with. I had to back up to the moments throughout the day.

I was thinking about my husband and I was coming across the whiskers in the sink or the protein powder on the counter and how these little noises that make like and little frustration.

I can't believe you put the seats on sideways in all of these moments, and in those moments, those are the ones I had to choose to respect my husband are instructions in the word not conditional commandment that wives respect their husbands were asked to respect our husbands without contingencies and so in those moments that I would come across things that were frustrating to me.

Choosing in those moments you know it can turn these sheets the opposite direction and and rehearsing in my mind all of the ways that I love my husband and all of the wonderful things about him.

My gratitude and recapturing those words out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

And so doing the work in the hearts and inputting the filter in my heart for how I thought about has been really key but then also in the way that I that I speak to him, especially when there's something that I disagree with.

I would totally concur in agree with you because that's where it started for me as well and as I was trying to get a hold of this and handle talking to God about this and never forget this damn folding clothes and I had just been in this pattern and habit of complaining about Dave in my head as I was folding the clothes I felt this small voice of God whispered to me what would happen if you would pray for me as much as you complained about him and it was one of those moments that stop me in my tracks and I was kind of in an argument of Lane complain about him and so I started to try to get in this habit. Now that they've done all this brain science you can see I had created a pathway in my brain of a continual habit of complaining about Dave what he should do with what he wasn't doing and what he could do instead of going to God, and saying, Lord, how do you want me to see him and how can I get control of my mind of taking every thought captive and it took me a while to take you a while Shannon, I am still working on it I normally talk about this problem in the past is on its essence, the past five that's right.

That's something I'm still definitely working through but also when you get to the conflict moments know when there is something that you really disagree about and so on inviting my husband to lead in those moments when we disagree that I feel like has really revolutionized our marriage lets that look like player and instance we are driving in the car and I know you Thursday about the car.

We were headed to my daughter's swim meets and my son was in the in the back and he's really angry because he had not finished his chores, and so she was not allowed to go to a friend's house and had come to the meet with us and I just you know my control girl mama kicked in and I was like lecturing and I was telling him and that in my husband just leaned over and he said she didn't stop and I said stop here this like this and this is my conundrum with control.

I feel like it's the right thing to do. I feel like it's good that I am getting secure this like anything wrong here, but my heart deceives me and is moments and some hazardous leader and he said stop you are not helping. He is getting more bitter and more angry your speaking to him disrespectfully and you know moms and their sons. There's a respect conflict there and so he told me just be quiet and he would handle it and Sasha sitting in my seat and I was seething and I was angry and I was looking out the side of the window and I just thinking of all the things that my I needed to teach my son and why was my husband like putting me on mute and then and then I remembered like oh yeah submission is submission.

When we disagree on how to how to proceed and so when we got to the sunny I just stayed in the car for little and I let my hasn't go in with my son and I sprayed her in the right place. And when I went into the sunny I husband had spoken to my son about his his behavior in the car and at that point Mason's heart was softened and he leaned over and gave me a little side hug, and he said sorry mom I love you and that was the moment like you know God is so good to give me partner in parenting, husband, and someone who sees but I don't see in the moment so inviting him to lead looked like staying quiet getting my heart right you know before I just continued to create tension with my son there so many moments like that where we as wives know men tend toward passivity and women tend toward control that both of us living out the curse and so as women if we can take the step back with control were actually inviting our man to step forward and into not live in that passivity, but to to take the leadership in the family so I have to presume malice both of you so I have to presume that the impulse control is still there.

Oh yes manual for the weekend to remember part of it says that God will take away the desire to control yes and I've told the ladies got hasn't taken away that desire because that still there but the question is why act on them and it has less of an impact on you today than 10 years ago, you've learned how to respond to the desire so what you do when the impulse hits today that helps you. I'm just imagining your tongue is just completely chewed up because you're biting your tongue over you as the impulse is there and you just have to talk about doing Mark, is that it you know over and over. We have the option of caving into ourselves are caving into the Holy Spirit choosing control for ourselves are choosing to let God be in control and that has to do with the big situations in life that cause great anxiety and pain and struggle or that has to do with the little choices in life like what am I gonna say when I can eat when I can watch I'm either caving in to my desire for control or my desire that God be in control and little by little by little, as they make those choices.

I'm choosing a trajectory for my life.

I'm either headed towards the path of becoming an older controlling woman or I headed towards becoming a beautifully surrendered ointment woman of God. I think to.

It's been amazing to see the fruit of holding my tongue because I have done damage to Dave and I are three sons years ago just letting my words have their full go in full fury or full fixing mode and it made everyone kind of pull away from me and have realized as God's help me to stop my words that come out and I've seen this awakening almost of wow mom we like being around yeah yeah and trying to speak words of life instead of little words critique. I think that's made a big difference that I would just said 40 years, being married to this amazing woman. She's doing that she's loving and it's the most beautiful thing as a man is a husband watching our sons life came to our soul and I have to do.

We ought to same thing but when it came back to Herbie and knows the bags to trust God with my men, I will trust God with the situation. We all have to do that we all have a tendency to take control and sometimes we need to. But most the time we need to go is bigger than I can keep quiet or I can let my man leader. I can let my that I'm going to trust him and there's a life that comes to the whole. Shannon, one of the things you do in the book control girl as you identify women in Scripture and the control issues that they had that I just want to encourage listeners get a copy of this book go through with other women. Great women's Bible study began to go through together. Or maybe you just need to read it with your own highlighter and just say every time God speaks to you just underline right there. Go to family life today.com to order a copy of Shannon Popkin's book control girl. Or you can call us to order number is one 800 FL today get the website's family life to the.com could like to order a copy of the book control girl by Shannon Popkin. Or you can order by calling one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today that don't forget tonight at 8 o'clock.

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Again, thank you for partnering with us in the work of this ministry. We appreciate you not tomorrow we will talk about some of the control tactics that are used occasionally, including how we speak to one another. How do we tame our time and back off on trying around us seven pumpkins can be with us again tomorrow. Hope you could be here as well like an engineer today. Keep going along with our entire broadcast team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson about being see you back next time for family life, family life, to use a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope