Women Out of Control

You want to know if you are a controlling person Shannon Popkin says pay attention to the things you say and the way you say them. We often use our tongues as women right to control like that's art that's art.

That's a good one to, you know, we can just slip and even a little sigh like that control tactic and stuff will in its heart, a new course for our lives if we want to turn in any direction. I say start with our words. James compares our tongues to writer and self we want to go in any direction. Start with what we say this is family life today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson on bobble team to find us online@familylifetoday.com if being a controlling person is an issue for you, make the place you need to focus on the is learning how to control your tongue will talk more about that today. Stay with us and welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us I'm wondering if there's been a moment and animate ask you this is a bitter moment in your 40 years of being married to Dave when you felt the most out of control when you felt like I am not safe in this moment is anything come to mind. You mean safe in this moment because of what might come out of my mouth with such love, thinking of some circumstance or situation. The day was leading you into where you are going. This just feels really risky and threatening. It might've been him saying let's go skydiving.

I mean that kind of thing, but it could also be him saying let's launch a church or let's you and I don't know what that is or something that the binary go.

This is where I started to feel this is really scary.

Dave is great in terms if he really has not gone out and done something without first talking to me about it me friendly dialogue about it.

So he's amazing at that. But there was one time when so he came home and he said hey as to where having this campaign a church where raising money to have this addition on our church and this is what I feel like working again. It wasn't so much of an ass.

This is what I've committed to.

And I was thinking. Are you insane and I'm usually the one it's a little more generous but this number was out of control and I just said now don't that is dumb and so that I was a fun conversation. I remember that bad I did say today I got I really pray about this. This likely is this from God, which I do really did trust Dave hearing God's voice and that was probably one of the only times I thought.

No we are not doing this. I don't think I said it quite like that that the bad thing is that Artie told the church, but the leadership grid then I'm driving home, going when the world having talked and talked a lot about this. I sort of try to split it in such a easy way that she would just go yeah explosives into it like she did no kid coming at the college. Yeah so you gave the money we just felt like God said, yeah, you need to step out and we did though say this and I said to her, let's take the night as I knew I could go back. It was used of a couple people that I'd said I'll do this because I want to lead our our creation and bill to say I'm not asking you to some we have done. Give sacrificially so we slip on it maybe.

Maybe we took a week I was a day days and then you said I meant yeah and so we did. And you know it's one of those stories, God did ended up blessedness was that just financially but it was a pleasant few months later we found out son got full ride to college and so that was like oh that's helpful. We can trust you know when you're talking about want to be in control.

What you're really talking about is do I trust God in the middle of exactly noble situations and that's what we talked about this week. Shannon Popkin is joining us and I should mention were talking about control with her this week next week to talk about something that you would say Salem is maybe parallel to control in terms of people talking about besetting sins that women regularly struggle with control is one of them. What's the other one comparison see and talk about comparison next week but were talking about control this week and and you shared with us already that you see this happening at the beginning, in the garden with Eve but as you looked at Scripture you saw this control issue emerging with women in Scripture over and over again.

Yeah.

And when I recognized that in Genesis 316 God says your desire will be for your husband. When I recognize that that that curse had to do with me wanting to take control. I thought while being affected by the scarce thousands of years later I go back to God's word. Surely I can find some other women who were living out this curse.

And maybe I can learn from them. Maybe I can find some mistakes to avoid it. Or I can learn God's perspective on this whole control matter and so and that's exactly what I found in Scripture. Woman after woman after woman was doing exactly what I was doing there trying to take matters into their own hands, trying to make it all turn out right according to their little small minded perspective and they were making everybody miserable in the process. So for example you get to Abraham and Sarah course the first thing I'm thinking of this, God had said to them, you can have a baby and they were to have a baby and Sarah said we gotta take this better door on him yeah and it says that's Abraham listens to the voice of Sarah and then that echoes back to the word also says that Adam listens to the voice of his wife even in both cases. This man was being influenced by the voice of his wife, who is leaving him in a direction that I didn't want to take their family and so by speaking I probably nagging or trying to take control. The wife was not inviting her husband listen to God. And let's be clear when a husband should listen to the board is what I mean, that's a marriage works when husbands and waters are listening to one another and that's the tension right if you're the woman thinking I want to give my husband some wisdom and yet this could be controlling.

I'm looking at two women Howdy and how you navigate that tension because there are times when God is going to use you is used in thousands of times to help me in a good way so you mean you two are centered on those debts attention your fine right my control, my manner might actually be in. So how do you do well, I think it's a question of them.

I tend to take God's place am I trying to direct this subpoena with my voice or my deferring to my husband now you listen to God you listen at I want to give you my input.

I went to share what I see in the situation and maybe I have some thoughts on this money gift that that you've committed to.

And I want to share this with you but I ultimately defer to you as you follow God for life to invite that kind of leadership that is so wise of you saying here my thoughts that you should go to God and see what you think because that's very humbling to do because you're saying I may not be right, and sometimes as women I can think I am right now you need to do this but to say this is what I'm thinking when he spent some time with God, and Miriam has over the years.

She said to so many times I will come and say I think I will do this or this guy got some idea and her first thing is have you prayed about them like what it is on this Bob. Here's what I found I go pray about it know Mike God thinks. Just like in both of us can acknowledge some level of humility than that we are both trying to figure out how can we honor God with our lives. That's a starting presupposition are we looking at this through the lens of what's going on, or God or this is what I want. This is what you want. Much of self is involved in this and how much of it is what God wants and of what we both want is for God to be honored. Now all of a sudden it's not a battle between you and me. It's both of us trying to discover what is God's will hear you're not always going to the same place but at least you're starting with the same presupposition which is our ultimate goal is we want God to be honored and I love one of the lines in your book again baby I love because I'm about your husband and amendment says I need to stop talking, badgering and pressuring with my agenda long enough for my husband to hear God's agenda. That's heart rate is yes some of the hardest like that's the battle of self and not caving in the my desire for control, that instead surrendering control to God, while evenly Sarah is Peter talking about Sarah. Earlier I can understand Sarah's dilemma. She's thinking it's been 10 years and maybe she starts thinking maybe God wants me to have a part of this and so I think it's easy to kind of do we get in our head to me think how can I help God instead of surrendering this to God and going to God. So what it Sarah do right and what did she do wrong. Let's talk about what Sarah did wrong first and then we can we can talk about what she did right.

Sarah's idea was to invite another woman into the heads and the customary practice, but this is not God's plan. God had promised that Abraham would have a child with Sarah and so Hagar was Sarah's idea.

She said I'll give my handmaiden to you and you can have a child through this handmaiden and so is Cimino. This is not the son of promise, and there's this scene where finally Sarah does have a baby. Baby Isaac who is the child of promise, and there's this scene where Isaac is there there throwing a party. Isaac is weaned, and there celebrating his life and there's this time when Ishmael is kind of taken on Isaac there about 13 years apart so Ishmael the teenager he's taken on Isaac and it's pretty ugly and Sarah stepped in and she says get them out of my house and she talks to Abraham and she says I went this handmaiden and I want her son out of our lives like send them away and the amazing thing is, God reinforces that.

And he tells Abraham that's that's what I want you to do think that it's this moment when Sarah for the first time recognizes that she has introduced a threat into her family. Abraham and Sarah are old to die soon and these two boys to be living in the same family and this older line is always good to be taken on the younger one in this promised sign is always can have this threats and so by stepping in by inserting herself.

Sarah has created threat to God's plan and as women think we do the same thing as controlling wives and moms, especially as moms we try to control our kids and we try to bring them to church and we try to make him do churchy things and we try to iron out all the poor behaviors that we see in their lives, and by taking control. I think what we do is we produce false imitation sentence. Ishmael was not the real son.

He was the result of what Sarah could produce on her own. By inviting this handmaiden to their family circle. Ishmael represents what I can produce Isaac represents what only God can produce and and as we look at inviting our kids to be followers of God to be really careful about this thing with control because we can produce imitation Christians who are the result of our work. Just like Sarah and Sankt Hyde wants to produce a genuine signs and sometimes he wants control dramas to take a step back and let God do his art. Here's how you say it in your book control girl you say I think controlling women produce some of the godliness, looking families in the church.

I read that laptop out, but I remember feeling it when we were raising our family. Don't you want your family to look good at church. Don't you want your boys to be behaved in your girls to be all-knowing young women and you want everybody look around and and and it's a reflection of whether you're succeeding as a parent or not but you go on to say we want our loved ones to inherit the future. God's promise to his children. But what if were producing slaves and not sons Socha and I think we have to pull back and go. Are we creating behavior modified rule followers or people young men and women who from their heart are choosing to follow God. Are they just under our control, and being compliant if that's what you got the college years are to be a real roller coaster for you because when they're no longer under your thumb they go.

Now I get to do what mama would never let me do before.

I remember one time my son as a teenager wanted to go to a different church. He wasn't singing and want to go to church just as they needed want to got our church anymore and I was, that was not okay with me.

I was frustrated by that because I had this idea is like our family. We all sat together in church. I want to see my kids all lined up next to me and I wanted what what would I do with the questions of people asking what was your son all the time and she had made friends at a different church and he wanted to go to. He's get there and doubtless hard for me and I had to wrestle with got over that and ultimately relayed that Donnelly let him go to a different youth group and he's walking with the Lord and I'm really thankful that we gave an enemy. And that's not a big deal. We were letting him go to church. You know with you. It's been 33 years since our first son was born, but I picked up a book, then I can't tell you the. The author was the title was the dangers of growing up in a Christian home emergency in the title and going to get read this because I didn't grow up in a Christian home, but now I'm leaving one so I thought, what are the dangers that I'm to bring as a Christian husband and to our family and was really interesting and this is the only book that says this, but it it said the research says the worst thing you can do if you want kids to walk with Jesus when they're adults is control does the number one parenting style that led to bad results. Now they're not saying total per permissive parenting is that the answer but if there's a balance of truth and grace never heard that one before.

You know it's it's the person of Christ, truth and grace. If there's a balance. It leads to a better result. But a memory. Nothing in this because our tendency is control could specially is again a teenage years and that the biggest learning of that book was at some point. They've gotta find their faith not your faith and that's the hardest thing for prayer to let happen is like I can control many more. I've actually gotta let them fall and make hard choices so that they own the face not mom and dad's face. So I think he gets to what you're saying right.

And even that decision to let your son go to know church that's a hard control unit to let go of that. But in the end it's the best best result right Welch, one of the things we talk about in the art of parenting video series you guys talk about this in the series. There comes a point in our as were raising our kids in their development where we transition from being the control agents in their lives to being coaches and consultants in their lives and a coach doesn't control the player on the field, the coach coaches the player and calls a timeout and says here will on this play really do this, but ultimately he can't control what that player is going to do in the moment and he can bench the player which you may need to do with your teenagers from time to time write the good ground or the timeout, but the parent who is trying to to treat a 15-year-old.

The way you treated him when he was a five-year-old is a parent who's headed for trouble, and that the issue is probably a bigger control issue with you than it is a disobedience issue with your child. Now again I don't know all your circumstances were saying something that that I don't want people to misapply, but I think a lot of parents have 16-year-olds and they're still trying to treat like six-year-olds and you can't be that controlling parent with the 16-year-old. And you know ultimately God wants to be the God of our children and eventually were not gonna be in that parent role and God wants to parent our children. There's this scene, you know, we just talked about Sarah sending Hagar and her son out into the wilderness and there's the scene where sort of like a death sentence. They are out in the wilderness on their own and Hagar puts her teenage son under a bush. They've run out of food and water and he's gonna die and it says that she backs away. The length of about shot and she's crying she's crying out to God. But it's interesting. It says and then God heard his and you know when when a child is dying from thirst. I'm sure his voice was not strong. You know is just a whisper and yet God was close enough to hear Israel and it's also interesting that God is the one who named Ishmael his name means God hears. I wonder if God had that scene in mind when he named this boy Ishmael that God would be the one to hear Ishmael sky God wanted to be Ishmael's God, then God opened Hagar's eyes and she saw this well that she hadn't seen.

I don't know if it was like it wasn't there before or she just happened to not see you in August. It was shielded from her eyesight, but he opened her eyes and contents that with parents, especially parents of teenagers you know when we entrust our children to God and we lay them down and we feel that distancing we feel we see them struggling and instant there and very dangerous precarious situations and we look at them is comforting to know that God is close enough and she shares them but it's also comforting to know that when we entrust them to God, he will open our eyes to solutions that we had not had enough and so he does use us still in their lives and these in these young adult years, but ultimately God wants us to trust him and he wants our children to trust him.

He wants to be the gotta both of us I think were all faced with the moment in time where God's asking can you surrender them to me. Can you surrender your marriage to meet your husband to meet your life to me and I don't know about you, Shannon, but I have found that to be really difficult at times, even when each of our sons were born were all in the neonatal care after they were born because of complications and I'll never forget you remember this day for CJ when we were in the hospital and they said they just had some pretty scary things that were going on and I felt like his. I was laying in bed but this first point I wanted to cling to him and hold him.

My son and I felt like God was saying. Can you surrender him to me is like now obviously this looks catastrophic and yet I'll never forget seeing God.

He's yours you created and you love him and I mean sobbing because I was so fearful and recognizing remembering that God is good. He loves me. I can trust him no matter the outcome, but every single child I felt like I must have a strong grip on my kids because with every single child by the third child I knew the neonatal care doctor walked in the room.

I said no God saying I don't know about you but I find it I have to continually do this. Even with adult kids because now I don't have any control right now, there's bigger things I'd like to control you know, like who they date are who they marry. But I also have to turn the tables and ask myself okay if it really is up to me. If I'm really the one who has to make it all turn out right from the children like is not really comforting. That just brings out stress and anxiety and anger and frustration and ultimately I find the most peace in the most security that rock solid security in knowing that I don't have to ultimately be in control because he is in control. You and your book with five lessons that have helped you turn the tide in terms of this control impulse in your life will just to walk through quickly. The first one is a reversal of the curse. So it's going from your desire will be for your husband, your desires to be in control to a different kind of desire what's the new desire desired that God would be in control and in those big situations like you're talking about where in the neonatal care unit where the life of your child is at risk like those are big things that we have to lay down and surrender to God, but also our heart is trained in the little by little moments. He likely talked about what I make an essay I want Megan watch on television in my going to limit myself, my relationships where my relationship with my husband is the one relationship that I cling to, and not a relationship outside of my marriage and things like that little by little choices, or I surrender to God's plan to God's idea of what is good instead of my own, because you're saying that I'm to go. Philippians 48 which says you think on these things.

The things are pure and noble if in marriage. We thought on those things about one another instead of dwelling on what is wrong and what is blowing full and what is messed up if you thought on what's pure and was lovely and just make that your focus which is number three yet is just doing in three minutes.) Read but do which is tame the tongue tame the tongue.

Yeah, choosing what I'm going to say and again like letting God direct my words rather than me be the one you know, our tongues, we often use our tongues as women right hand to control like that's art that's art. That's a good one to, you know, we can just slip and even a little sigh like you know that control tactic and stuff. We will start a new course for our lives if we want to turn in a new direction. I say start with our words. James compares our tongues to a writer and so if we want to go in a new direction.

Start with what we say and then the third one. Dave mentioned as The red pill and so that's don't circle everything that everybody's doing wrong scribbling red ink all over our loved ones me know if if they have the information it's in, and we can continue to give the information over and over and over. It's probably turned into a control tactic and then number four you say live within limits must that mean you know God has given us limits in the garden of Eden. There was only one off limit thing.

It was this one trait but now we don't see correctly. We live in this era of blindness and things look good to us, which God says are are not good things that bad to us that God says are good and so we have to defer to God and live within the limits. The limits of marriage, even in a 24 hour day.

We have bodies that need sleep. Going to bed in time. That's a surrender that's training my heart to live in the limits that God has given me.

Also my food my entertainment twice is how I choose to spend my money.

These are all ways that I can train my heart to rather than given to myself to be like Jesus and say, not my will but yours be done in the last one is to be respectfully his hand in the marriage especially know this curse started with Eve and her husband, and I think this is one of the primary relationships in life. We love our husbands so much and were so passionate about these men in our lives. And so for us to laying down control often means laying down control of her husband is really important, at least for me, and I'm guessing a lot of people can relate to this. If I'm in a surrender in so to loosen my grip on control of anything in my life. You have to surrender to someone or to something right.

I'm trusting someone else and obviously were taught about trust in God, and remember early my Christian walk. Thinking this God I don't know you well enough to trust you.

So the other day. Even I would encourage Alyssa right now to say how well you know the one where asking you to release control to because we don't know you're not gonna like why would I trust them, but if you do that I've discovered the more I study his word. The more I read it the more I'm reminded like goodness that's who you are.

I forgot. It is like I need more faith. I just need to see a movie. It really is is need mustard seed faith in a big huge yard. So for me it's been God's people to be in his word. It's praying at seeing God show me who you are and as I get the same you get to a place like yeah this makes sense. He's worthy of my trust in one of the ways that I've done that over the years is by really trying to apply Romans 12 one which is always been a favorite verse to me. Paul says to offer your bodies as a living and holy sacrifice, and so in the morning when my alarm goes off. It's just become this habit of hitting the alarm and sink.

I give you this day, I surrender myself to you. I picture myself on an altar, I give you myself.

Lord I give you my words, my thoughts, my actions and let me live them as you would because if I don't do that I'm going to live them in control and trying to protect myself so that could be a good application for all of us.

While it may be the listers this week of thought, okay, I thought I had an anger issue but is really a control issue or I have seen how my desire for control is leaking out of the cracks of my life and I need the Lord's help and maybe Dave do your point. The first thing they need to do is just ask about their own relationship with the Lord will have a relationship with Jesus.

Have I ever surrendered my life to him. That's the starting point for all of this to try to become less of a controlling person in your own power that can work for a while, but you can't sustain that over a lifetime without the work of the Holy Spirit in your life so you go to our website a family like today.com there's a link there that talks about what it means to have a relationship with Jesus and maybe as you been listing you thought I don't know that that's true for me. Go to family life today.com and click on the Lincoln and find out about the two ways to live and which is the way God would have you live in them while you're there. Find out more about Shannon's book which is called control girl which we got in our family life to the resource center and read this on your own or read it with other women can order from some on the family like today.com. Thank you for being with us and for helping us unpack this issue. Great to have you here think you think so much for having the book were talking about is called control girl by Shannon Popkin from Asam on the family life to.com or call one 800 FL today to get a copy.

We've also got a link on our website to Shannon's website where you can follow her blog and find out more about resources she has available leaders guides for the studies that she's done are available there.

Again, go to family life to.com to order a copy of the book control girl by Shannon Popkin. Call 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today. By the way, you can find out more about the art of parenting video series.

When you go to our website as well find that it family life to.com might be a great series for you to go through with other parents over the summer or plan to go through with your small group next fall.

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