Training a Child in the Way They Should Go

Part of our assignment as parents is to understand who our children are, who are the unique people God made them to be. Brandon Miller says one of the ways he and his wife do that is by paying attention to what his children do well in the things they enjoy doing. We started incorporate the simple question every day. We started to look for when we see and hear. We hear the response in its what did you do today that made you feel strong because the thing is that as parents.

I can notice where child performs well but I don't know if it gave them energy.

I don't know if it's going to be so much of an enjoyment they'll push through opposition to keep doing it.

This is family life to our hosts are Damon and Wilson on Bob Lapine. You'll find us online@familylifetothe.com are you raising your children to be the people God created them to be or are you trying to make them to the people you want them to be an important question answer, and welcome to family life to the thanks for joining us. You guys know when we were working on the video series for the art of parenting that accompanies the book the Dennis and Barbara Rainey wrote on that subject. One of the themes we talked about is that parents need to be careful not to try to force a child into a predetermined mold but we need to be figuring out who is this child and how we point them in the direction God wants to point him.

I wish I'd known that back when we are parenting days because I was trying to squeeze our oldest son into a mold.

It wasn't like I think every parent is longing for the recipe for perfect kids and I think give me the recipe I will make it to perfection because I want perfect kids and then we realize. Although they are unique individuals and part of the mystery of parenting is figure out who is this child and how I steward who this child is one of our historic moments in parenting was when my oldest son CJ. He's you know from day one. You can see his strength was analytical thinker with which by the way, to save and I were both athletes. How everyone would think you guys can have the most sweet and so number one comes out in the enemy's athletic buddies there you could see, there's this gift in you must be three just staring at my forehead and I knew enough that he's thinking isn't just enter some going on that little brain is and is probably deep and here's what he says he is he dead, how old were you and your head started sucking your hair back and only you know I wish I could've replaced that but it never came back to try to help moms and dads this week. Think about the art of parenting and the need to understand who your kids are and understand how to parent them it's it's Proverbs 22 six that says train up a child in the way he should go, and we think that means according to some, and eyeballing it means according to their band and we got some friends here to help us work through this and Lynn and Brandon Miller. Welcome to family life today guys you sign my aunt Helen and Brandon live in Sacramento California and are the parents of are you ready seven kids to start on enough you can do three of your kids are now grown and married and you still have four home we live so you're still in the middle of this. You've written a book called play to their strengths and it's about what we been talking about here that there's no formula for raising kids was right.

When did you realize that sensei about 12 years ago I was already introduce this idea of thinking differently about human development in general, Tell everybody what you do that's out so professionally. I work with organizations we help develop great places to work by shifting an approach to what we call strength-based developments of thinking more about how to develop a person's natural abilities play the weather next momentum is and then build an overall better workplace that will use a tool called strength finders and many balusters are probably heard of that because churches views this as well, very much, and it it it are our main objective is to help people who are bosses be the best boss they can be right and what we drew the connection to is another not that much difference to be in a people manager parent just older versions of those people you try to parent home. This was 12 years ago that this finally dawned on you while the and and so the story about sports, so I know big football player and had aspirations to take that far. So when kids came along. I thought here it is. I have a boy and mold him into the best football player he could be in so he waited up till freshman year to say that I want to play on the ball team and I said all right anything about the coach and he said sure innocent high school allowed me to come on and all the the summer long.

I am in my mind. Preparing for glory and all the things he needed to do and be as on the first day of practice as were making our way to the school and giving a speech or some kind of motivational talk room is what you're going to do to be awesome. So here's how it's all going to go down probably halfway through the talk and my son leans over as the four general boy with his dad puts his hand on my shoulder and it was a dad stage and on that like you are not currently football the same with you did and Mike attended Brett at that moment of I think you said more than what you just said there is more to this and it brought me back to this memory. I was in a child dedication. Proverbs 22 six was what was set in and the minister at the time was saying you're raising this child in the way this child is designed by God to go, not just who, how you think or even just good biblical principles is almost good and right. But this child has a nature and so for us. I think it really cost us to re-reframe how we would look at our kids and and we were just entering the phase with our three oldest where the teenagers were upon us. They were naturally starting to create distance which will happen and I would say fairly we were we were desperate. You step back and me sit here and call you just plain restraints but as a parent when you see that they're different then maybe you thought or what you were hoping for. Was it easier was at our house and currently difficult because on one hand, all of us have a natural negativity bias and it protects us, so we we first threat assassin that carries over into development so when we look at a child's report card we think about their assets or deficiencies were drawn to fix what's wrong to try to build something strong and over time it teaches a troubling pathway to success is through fixing my weaknesses, but then come the biases of the parent who I want you to be who I see in that's very hard to let go of, because as a parent you know most of us are well-meaning. We want what's best for kid and so we start to say things like, will fire you yeah hi would do it this way. Problem with that is my 14-year-old in his brilliant said I'm not like you I can't do it your way. I won't be who you are kudos to him to be on to say that a 14% and his relationship with you and he feel the freedom to say that yeah it did not say this in our in our parenting. We struggle between each other, raising our kids in the same one that you knows looked in my head. The thinker basketball at what eight years old. I'm the coach were only 12 we don't win a game on because I'm it's all kids is not the coach, ever terrible and you know is super laid-back where intensity out the door.

You know, I might come online so I'm yelling I'm that mom and so I'm yelling all the kids go to the end of the basket near shooting baskets.

Our son stops in the middle of the court and is just staring at the scoreboard.

This is the games going back and forth of both ends of the court, so the games going on full-court.

He stayed in the middle.

While the game goes by me to staring at the scoreboard. I know I'm the need of the coach, looking at this parent in the stands, like who is this lady if she and I called timeout because I know I I know is going. I called him out and all he could come over and see what you doing the liquor so how does the lights work connected to the board over their 50s and close up on the scoreboard. I go I have no idea, but I guarantee you it was just that's is that is today a 33-year-old just genius, a tentacle guy wonderful but it was a struggle. We get the car to drive home.

She's like he should be doing this and I Mike I don't think that's who he is and we had to learn what you talk about. So how does a parent make that adjustment we we can relate to that because land was the kid that when you gave him a toy he found more pleasure in tearing apart the needed playing with yes. So I'm constantly watching him to make strident Kellan during the day. What devices did we give him that he may take apartment together and literally you know stuff like very similar. Yes, he was very curious and so even even in high school.

Thinking about who he would become. This is our son that ended up forgoing college.

He was two years and decided to want to have all that debt, I'm going to go into an apprenticeship to become an electrician and he brought it home. We both said that just makes a timely sense because this is who you are but what was ironic is in my early 20s, as we were figuring life out as young married couple. I entered into an electrical apprenticeship. I thought willing to try the setting to make ends meet in about a year into it. We figured out that either I was going to die or someone else was I in my presence because I was so incapable of putting two things to meet together and I realized this is basically fire in a wire so if I so if I touch the wrong thing. This would be bad and some for my son to actually choose that profession and be very successful and it was ironic or scoring. We need to be clear that these kids have got design and there's amazing qualities within each one and let's find out who they are to help them become who they are intended to be. So the question is how how does a parent discover who their child is how do we play to their strengths email in our book we went to the Scriptures that we talked about is our children literally being that together in her mother's poems Psalm 139 and when you think of that you realize that there there so many facets to.

There's so many things to discover about them and so we have a whole section that talks about being in discovery mode constantly and not wine.

It starts with a fascination with them and going back to that place and we discussed how when you bring home a newborn, you are literally fascinated with God's workmanship. I mean, I stand it. Now that you've created this after human and just real life happens and by the time their toddlers you know you're not quite so fast and just want them to obey you know, and so we week.phase and so what we desired through the spec was to bring parents back there and to be in a constant state of fascination. Our kids are literally just traveling who they are before your eyes and as parents we are the ones to help Stuart that in their lives and can only be from you watching them asking great questions. Being in a place where you know Brandon has a question he asks our kids every talent you talk about that. But what makes you feel strong now and really being a student of your child. It's a whole different outlet which it does take time. It takes a lot of energy now were not an ally. It's not easy. You have seven write seven opportunities to get it wrong. A lot of times, and seven opportunities to find those nuggets that really hold in your heart.

There's my kid because I question she's describing.

So, our youngest boys are 12 and nine. There are bonus kids. We thought that five we were done four daughters and one son said to have two boys at the end was really a blessing for that old spirit that was a very exciting, but we we started to incorporate this simple question every day we we started to look for what we see and hear. We hear the response in its what did you do today David that made you feel strong because the thing is that as parents.

I can notice where child performs well but I don't know if it gave them energy.

I don't know if it if it's a landlord doing again. I don't know if it's going to be so much of an enjoyment they'll push through opposition to keep doing it and that's what you mean by feel strong what makes you feel sorry like I said about their eyes light up. That's right right were looking for clues and I think for us. That transition really helped us with the discovery process. What is it that were seeing what are we hearing and then we play that strength that we think were seeing. Do we see further evidence of where it's going to the conversation at the table of sharks and with our two boys.

David is a very academic child and he loves to serve others. So about every day he's going to tell us about some academic accomplishment and or he will tell us about a place where he was able to serve on the leadership team's elementary school and so now we encourage him to look for places to do that more were saying David. These are areas where you're very strong. Let's continue to build on that and then David takes that queue and he'll tell us more about where that's going.

His little brother conversely is very athletic, so this is a out of seven. I think we both agree he's probably her most athletic child, so Daniel is going to tell us almost every day about the kid Egypt out of his shoes or touchdown pass at recess on a very different consolation.

We realize he loves to perform.

He loves you so energetic and so we we look to build on that knowledge and see where that takes them. Which inevitably leads to the conversation with her, not strong and I was can ask about that because a part of the mom and a dad correction. I mean that's what second Timothy three says that that we have to train them correct and were proven and do all this with our kids so playing to their strengths does not mean ignoring their weakness that we not know because we we subscribe to authoritative parenting is a style which is high warmth and high control. If I were to talk about my previous parenting style would be authoritarian and high control and low warmth. I know what you talk about into living just for listeners to see if I can help with this.

There are two questions every child is asking the two questions are do you love me and can I do what I want and how you answer those questions determines what kind of parent you are.

So as an authoritarian parent, you are saying no you can't do what you want and you can wonder whether I love you. At times as an authoritative parent you're saying yes I love you and know you can't do what you want. That's really the sweet spot for parenting.

It is because the that the third wheel to that goes in permissive, so high warmth and you get to do what you want because I am going to be captain fun right and I'm going to enjoy that place. There is a requirement that are our kids greatest strengths have alter egos to the places where they're going to be at their best means.

That's where they're going to probably get into mischief.

It's probably going to be where there's going to be in error. So my energizer little boy. Daniel is probably going to talk too much in school.

He's probably going to talk back to us in the home and he's good for that multiple times a week. So then the correction is all right. Let me help you become a better version of that the same time Daniel isn't as strong academically as older brother. In fact, that's his area of challenge, but that the trap of parenting and we talked a lot to parents in this regard is a put more effort into remediating the academics, then into adjusting who that kid is in their best areas where there were they really are strong and and therefore you start to see a shift in that light, in the child's eyes in the way that it will relate to their parents but you got parents listing to this right now, look at my kids not doing well in school were talk about the rest of their lives were talking with the college scholarship.

I gotta fix this so I'm supposed to just back off and and say play sports because you're good at that.

So the pathway to a child success may or may not involve them being successful in college may or may not involve you know them following the ideal path that we think this is with our oldest son, right second year in college coming up saying no, actually I'm going to go into an apprenticeship right which looking back as he's getting ready to graduate five years later, he owns a home. He's married his two sons highly responsible and oh by the way, makes more than most kids coming out of college right without the debt.

I think he makes more on the weekends from side work in the actual job because there are so few electricians in our region and so we we have to realize that that dream we have in our mind of these well-rounded kids that are going to be successful. If they follow this path may not be the Proverbs 22 six model that were looking it's it it's not a bad model want the kid to get scholarship have the degree in all these pathways but maybe maybe there's more to the story. Nadia help the parents that and there's a lot of because I'm a high school football coach. I did middle school basketball and every season, multiple parents would be so mad at us as coaches because were not playing their kid and you know were with him and were on practice field or not and they're not athletes that's not their gift, and it doesn't mean anything less about them, but their parents think this is a roadway wanted to be in. They look at us like we were crazy when we say reasons on the feelies not good enough.

You have no idea Mike will actually were with them for hours every day and we would love him to be in the field, but he isn't. I know you talk about the frustration and that one chapter by going from frustration.

The fascination they are only frustrated, they cannot be fascinated with another gift so right how you negotiate that I think the reality of parenting is that we can lose objectivity very easily and be highly subjective, and who we see our kids to be even if they are today. And so when we talk about spotting strengths in a child we talk about looking for signs, five E. and one of the five eases excellence. And we said it requires third-party validation and oh by the way parent you want that third part I found that's good. Let's let someone tell you that your child is awesome. Maybe that's not you, because I coached athletics as well. In an parents, and say the same thing and I'd have to respond but your child isn't very good this. They're very good at picking flowers directed at making friends. Look at the scoreboard there amazed at making you know just form a relationship.

I think your child has some incredible talent. I don't think it's awkward and maybe that's your your your B and seven Cal on American Idol it so your VNS behind as you can regarding works right you're trying to be as kind as you can. But the reality is is is parents were invited especially when we think of the way God uniquely designed every person for his ultimate plan is parents are in a week and we talk about the book our alignment with the Lord is to really gain what is it that you see here and and one am I doing to further the mission the child was created for talk about stuff the five easy you mention one him but these are five reasons like strength identification yes to what we would like to save the five eases that even if you don't use a personality test and we do have a couple of the book and there are many out there. These are ways you can spot strengths, your kids the first one is enthusiasm what you watch your children drawn to where their eyes light up, where do you seem to notice. They will make time whether you want them to or not to do these things because there to make to make room so since you said that a bunch appearance to said video games at the terrible strength like my kid that all he wants to do is play video games and then you start asking why what is it about the game.

What are they drawn to what is it about the problem-solving or the graphics are or the community they might be in that's drawing them to that activity because it's a great example today that kids can be drawn into that. I think there needs to be measure and how that goes. But the second one is is really interesting to watch and see. And it's easy what do they seem to pick up naturally whether they seem just SF into yeah and so are are now 15-year-old daughter when she was 12.

This is Madeleine should go to the kitchen and she would just are putting ingredients together to bake things in the ultimate test of a good baker.

Do you like what they pay and for her. It was clear when you say it was an email we we bring up that example because Madeleine took it upon herself one night to make cream puffs from scratch, so I come home and she literally delivers a plate of cream puffs that look like they were bought from the store really. She looked in her lap. He had to boil the water before you mixed it with the flower to get the right consistency cream puffs are not easy to master. No, especially the first time I've never been able to master it.

See that second one becomes a clear signal. So are our second daughter, Sierra when she was in school. This is where your teachers and coaches and pastors and mentors all help you as a parent. See when assessing your kid, she was in English class and the teacher noticed she had a wonderful skill to present publicly and she encouraged her to enter poetry out loud contests, which, to our daughter the opportunity to speak in front of people was easy. I don't think she's ever felt nervous in her life. Getting up in front of a room and so we would notice that. So then that Lisa, the third excellence third-party validated and would like to call it love standard so this is sustained excellence. This is just you did it once. This is multiple times stand out ability, which then goes to the kicker it's energy what is it that once they've completed it.

They seem more energized than when they started because if a strength gives energy a weakness simply depletes it, and when a child is doing something that there were there working against themselves. You two options to explore. One is as a potential strength that could grow into it with gentle instruction, encouragement, or choose is potentially an area that you might call a learned behavior. I need them to learn the subject so they have options for school, but they might not want to continue this subject after school and learn behaviors are valuable because in every job there will be a part of the job. They must learn to complete the job that will match your strengths right but knowing the difference between what energizes you and not that self reported. You can't tell someone that's what it is we have parent cells that they've invested in their children playing competitive athletics, which we know today as a fortune. Yeah it's a fortune time and money. It's a fortune to do it, only to have their kids announced 10 years later I'm done and I'll never play again. I'm done.

And certainly there are lessons along the way but we ask work to that of investment gone. Where was the energy that kid might've had in that experience. So the fit is the fun one. It's enjoyment and this is where they enjoy something so much that even when it's hard you will find them continuing to press through so this is the test of resilience which we believe every parent has an opportunity and I would say a responsibility to teach our children not to give up when it gets hard.

You just stand to reason, they have much more ability to do it when they're in an area of strength.

These five factors are really what's at the heart of your book play to their strengths and it helps parents have a framework to work through so that you can be thinking okay am I trying to mold my child into some preset mold that isn't who they are or am I understanding my child is in helping to fertilize that so that they can be the best them.

The person God created them to be. I always come back here to Ephesians 210, which says your child is God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand for your child to walk in them.

So is parents. Your job is to figure out what are the good works that God prepared beforehand for my child, walk in and how I helped get them ready for that path. And that's the strength of the book that you've written play to their strengths which I will encourage our listeners get a copy of this book. Read it together as parents and talk about how you can start implementing some of these ideas. These strategies in your home.

How you can bring out the best in your child go to family life to.com to order a copy of the book play to their strengths by our guest today, AnnaLynne and Brandon Miller.

You can order it from us online@familylifetoa.com or call to order one 800, FL, today is the number again.

Our website is family life to a.com or you can call to order the book play to their strengths.

The number is 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. Now we need to say a quick thank you to those of you who over the last several weeks have responded to the matching gift challenge that was in front of us here at family life during the month of May that some donors who came to us and agreed that they would match every donation we received in May, dollar for dollar up to a total of $345,000 were still checking all of the final numbers to see if we actually were able to take full advantage of that matching gift but we want to say thank you to those of you who donated under those of you who joined us as new Legacy partners monthly legacy partners. Thank you for standing with us. Justin, what are challenging times for all of us, but standing with us month in and month out so that the practical biblical help and hope we provide your own family life to the is available for couples all around the world throughout the year were grateful for the partnership and on behalf of those who will benefit from your investment. And there are many of them. Thank you for standing alongside us here at family life. We appreciate you that tomorrow we want to talk about how as parents we can fertilize the parts of our children that are growing that are strong. The areas that are driving him not to focus so much time trying to fix Brandon and Alan Miller will be back with us again tomorrow and be back here as well. Think our engineer today on our entire team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson see you back next time for another family life, family life, to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow