Applauding the Good

Is apparent how much time you spend fertilizing your kids versus trying to fix them to lessen the Brandon and Ella Miller learned with their daughter Madeleine.

So Madeleine handed us this report. Out of the six grade all A's and a C minus in math and and being a parent was a high performer in school. My first thought went to what happened in math. How did that happen and so being a student of what I have been speaking about decided maybe I should ask about positive grades first so literally we switch the conversation said your daughter you get an A+ in reading Madeleine do you like to read in our daughter's eyes lit up and she went daddy, I love to read some of you mommy think you're putting me to bed at night. No staple two in the morning, reading books, so I offered her I said Madeleine tell you what the summer might hire you to read books. This is family life today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson and Bob Lapine can find us online@familylifetoday.com you know the things your kids are really good at and the things they love to do, what are you doing to help fuel those passions and abilities talk more about that to stay with us and welcome to family like to thanks for joining us. One of the challenges I think all of us face as parents is how we deal with the preconceptions that we bring to parenting about what a good child is supposed to be where you laughing I left immediately because I can remember having those thoughts. You know now my grandparent, but when I realize what my thought was about what might shout children should be. It was more about how they made me look to say the same thing it was all now Kenny and it would make me look better and people would think better of me. We got does some friends for joining us this week to talk about rethinking our parenting and I'll just say good this is really at the heart of what we talk about in the art of parenting video series. In the book the Denison Barbara Rainey wrote the our parenting because as moms and dads we have to we have to rethink our approach to parenting and not just try to follow some recipe aniline and Brandon Miller join us on family life today guys, welcome back.

I thank you for having a thank you, Brandon and AnnaLynne are from Sacramento California. They are parents of seven kids. Brandon works with businesses and with ministries to help in strength development aniline. If you sell your house and you live in Sacramento right they can call you mommy doing real estate in Sacramento and in the in the meantime they raised three of their seven kids still have four at home. I say you raise three of yourself and you're still parents right yes we are yeah but you have to adjust how you do it once or Mary, don't you very much Brandon and Linda written a book called play to their strengths and and you said that this is an approach to parenting that dawned on you. 10 years into the journey may be beyond that, what was your original parenting strategy dear member, I would say our original parenting strategy, somewhat like we just discussed was really making our kids make us look that very performance oriented torment judge other people's kids. Yes, absolutely. The standard by which you are good parent. Did your kids behave better than the other kids at the family event or the restaurant and you'd give the sideways glance, 20 they don't know what they're doing because they must not use it as stronger threats as I do their child to comport to the behavior you want to see in the restaurant.

Meanwhile, your coaching business leaders and saying really what you need to do is try to encourage the strengths and your employees and help them play to their strengths in the workplace and will be better employees and you and all. Maybe this would apply to parenting. Maybe I should take this home and apply this with my at the time emerging teens and and little little ones and so it it became for us a conversation around how would we make this switch. What would this look like practically our home to create a culture of space where it was okay to play to their strengths without without getting caught up in what others would think about us in the process, which can be very different because many times we hear we need well-rounded kids how when we go from having well-rounded kids to cling to their strengths. You now. I think that as we can even consider the idea thing well-rounded idea that is email there excelling in school or playing a sport. They're doing in art and we want our children to do all of them excellently and be perfectly behaved and maintain perfect behavior when I think out loud at courses were all sitting here going so unreasonable and we now expect that I think that of our children so you know when you look at just beginning to change this culture into looking at what's right with their children. In looking at the strengths and your children. Take some time to discover what those things are. So I think there is going to be opportunities that you are putting in front of them right, even as small children, great schoolchildren maybe let them do you know they want to play an instrument, or whatnot. I think for us. One of the things that we especially when our children when a tried and things are only thing is you know if we can provide that for you. And if we can make sure you can get there.

For this practice is somewhat not.

We just ask that you finish it at the end of it. If they say I didn't enjoy it or I didn't like all the practice afterwards. It just didn't energize me that's okay. Now that even in the process are only thing is you gotta finish it because we don't want our kids to just learn not finish. If they try out for the soccer team there to do a season a soccer quit halfway through and we've had that happen to live with the little guy. He's a swimmer and in our summer swim leagues. He breaks 30-year-old records is amazing and each year after the season. We ask him. Do you want to continue doing this. Your amazing as initial responses.

No, I don't like the practices I'm not into the sport and every year around the spring. He remembers how much he likes to win and meet people and says give it another go to work at a place up. My prediction is he will age out at some point and decide it's not for him, even though we could transition into the to the year-round competitive club we could start to really invest the sport is a lot of investment with the travel but were metering and monitoring. Is that really the way to go because the myth of well-rounded and this Dr. Donald Clifton, who is considered the father of strength psychology. So he's one assorted asked questions why does our field of study focused so much on what's wrong with humans as it was right knee. He is quoted in one of his books the same for everyone strength the person has you a thousand weaknesses. So to spend a life trying to solve those things and become who you are not is really a recipe for frustration on behalf of the person who is either the parent the child. The manager of the employee. Pick your spot of human development in your your your building a place were going to really struggle so decided parent that has the child come home from school with the grade card because I know we focus on the negative and not the positive.

So is your forays and whatever is get a D in an algebra and most parents go when you have a dear friend. Then my goodness you're so good at these other areas. What he said a prayer because that's what a lot of us here is the playbook so Madeleine handed us this report. Out of the six grade shell sophomore but then six grade all A's and a C minus in math and and being a parent was a high performer in school. My first thought went to what happened that the world and so will being a student of what I have been speaking about decided maybe I should ask her about the positive grades first because by percentage parent to see that report card will spend 80% of the time to 90 focused on the.

The bad mark and that's where they're going to spend 80% of the night tonight.

It was inside remediating which by the way, for many employees, listening. That's what your annual review feels like.

Excellent, excellent, excellent, needs improvement, let's just can't Bureau needs improvement so literally we switch the conversation said her daughter you got an A+ in reading Madeleine do you like to read in our daughter's eyes lit up and she went daddy, I love to read some of you mommy thank you putting me to bed at night will staple two in the morning reading.

Wow. Really. So I offered her I said Madeleine I tell you what the some of the higher you to read books and she looked puzzled and quizzical really rebook its hundred pages to get a dollar, 200 pages. You get to 300 more euros five as long as read a book report turned in on Mondays, opinion, cash, and that my little girl read and she read and shredded what we were doing as we were playing to the fourth fee that we talked about energy. When a child plays a strength to build energies I can reserve it. So at the end of summer. We came back and said hey Mattie you gotta get a C in math we think about some math tutoring and her answer was sure be happy to put some effort there and if we had reversed it again to ask question rooms of people. What is it what happened. I started with Mattie this summer math to all some answer most is I would've had I rolled out of the wall on it would've gone over that way.

What would've started as but here's the characters all the incentive would've probably turn into the stick would've probably became very authoritarian know you must you have to and this starts to erode that parent-child relationship around my really advocating for you to be your best or to be who I think you need to be to get by, though the point is that there is energy around our strengths when we do the things that were good at. We feel energized and, in fact, I think, feel a little more empowered even to try to tackle some of the things that were not as good a very much care about the three C's. When a child plays the strengths and an adult does number one you more confidence to start to feel like I got this in my zone. This is my area of genius to copperhead tents. I have more room. I can grow right II believe that there's more in my thinking third creative because in a creative space now are finding other avenues to get to my answer. First is when you when you play. The weakness was first habit is a street start to collapse and some call it lizard brain. The reptilian insured to have this anxiety toward can I do it to have what it takes in my going to perform his mom or dad might be disappointed in me disappointment in parenting is very difficult for child the face because he goes back to that question is to the luster which is do they love me is important for us as parents to know how were wired what our strengths because our kids can be opposite of that.

I know that our oldest son is very different from me and I'm all about. Let's get your stuff done.

Let's get it done now so that we can play after he has none of that in him there is one day that we run a phase where they're in high school and we would toilet paper each other's houses with our friends for finally joining SLA psych advocated that we went to hunting strategy actually did so, it's time to clean up the toilet paper because we were toilet paper the night before so I simply is time to go out and clean up the toilet paper while the two are out there, but the oldest CJ is very analytical, as we said before, he is not out there and I think I'll you're just being lazy. Need to get done, come on and on and he is creating a long stick handle of a broom and he's connecting this sharp pointy thing I need to know where he got it. He's duct taping it to it so that he can go out and pick up the toilet paper without bending over and putting it is that now I'm like why are you wasting your time.

Let's get it done where as I got older I started seeing like wow he's kind of a genius working smarter not harder, play and so it made me think why am I so about getting it done right now. According to my timeframe, which is that true, like her parents were different. Can we rub each other wrong and how do we give grace to do that sooner book. We would say that parents knowing who they are is probably the most important take away. We think we wrote about because for a parent entering into that realm and and when you think about bringing home that new child and and I think we are saying earlier when you flip them over and find instructions like what I do now that I'm this parent and so then this natural apprehension starts to come in and do I have what it takes to help this child be who they're supposed to be and so some people use this term faking it till you make it all that mentality. If I don't really come to terms with. Who am I as a parent and what will I excel at one of my strong in the net leads me to try to compensate and there is were maybe don't come as natural and they aren't as easy and so would we describe this condition or book that is it's it's it's a real challenge. Its imposter syndrome such presenting a front of who I am or who I think I'm supposed to be that matches to my kid and and there is a danger than on the other hand, it's also the challenge of putting on the my kids who I think I am now you have to be me and so both of those lead to a separation. So now were not meeting were not communicating his ROTC will inspect same language right now as we grow, and so we feel like know who I am is very important as equidistant of who you are is my child so I know how to parent in chapter 7 we talk about seek your super and lightweight.

Seek your super so that whole chapter talks about that movie and how that was living a duplicitous life. So when he decided to actually tap into his super and he brought it home. He also inspired each family member to bring out their own super and to really live out who they were created to be an attention. I've always you mentioned this in in in the book.

I look at my sons, now 3330 28.

What they are doing and what they're good at what their strengths are.

Today we saw when they were two or three main very much and you have the quote in there that we at 26 often are what we were three so as parents, you can see it again. It doesn't mean it has to be that way you step back and analyze you EC early right we like. So your kids are not meant to be a mystery to you that God really does intend for you to know them. So when Jeremiah talks about you before I formed you in the womb I knew you. So God already knows of this child is and so when they come into our world. We have a chance to know what God already knows and I believe when were genuinely in that discovery mode genuinely staying curious and asking questions, not just why did you do that, but who are you who are you, what makes you unique and what am I seeing that I'm probably going to keep things right your life. What is the strength what is this character quality and how do I help shape it for the best possible place where you'll express us a lot about Bella because you mention.

And when your chapter speak the truth over your children. So I'm sitting there thinking well our three sons are living out who God made them to be part of that's the way God made them. I'm wondering how much of that is what we did as fast as we when we saw that especially and just started speaking that out loud to them member Santa CJ someday God is going to use your brain the way it's wired to really impact the world so much different than my brain. Austin you love literature. Someday you know. And so now look today it's like wow I can see them doing it. How much of what we say as we speak truth of our kids as parents is that critical when we think of the opportunity we have to be the voice in our children's life, the things they will remember you knows that there's this idea that for every five things you say that are strong. If one of them is negative or 10 that are strongly negative. They'll remember the negative more than the positives and so our opportunity to see something brilliant, something beautiful, something in its raw form instructor call it out is our responsibility and opportunity. So our fourth child, Michaela. She is by her siblings, own vote.

The most strong-willed child in our house down. She'd win the prize every day that a whale yes yes and we love that master the attached rank, but it is difficult to to parent that child who will will challenge you every step of the way suite we are teaching her lessons are teens that we want her to learn agreeableness versus argumentative behavior and and so we reminder but what I tell her don't lose that edge don't lose that place real stand up for others were now will confront injustice. Were you will speak things that need to be spoken is that's from God and he's giving you that were just gonna learn how to aim it in a way that it doesn't always feel like an onslaught for using daring to disagree with you guys and that's a significant point. She doesn't know how to use it yet. One of the things we talk about at our weekend to remember marriage getaways is that strengths and weaknesses that we see in our spouse. Weaknesses are oftentimes strengths that are being overused. Absolutely. And so if we can go to a child and we see a weakness and we ask what's the hidden strength behind that weakness. All give an example.

Let's say that you have a child or a spouse who has a critical spirit either just there.

There always criticizing anyone and everyone behind that if you start to look.

That child has high standards. They expect things to be done right.

They put that on themselves. They put it on other people. It becomes a weakness when they overuse that strength by have high standards and they don't give any grace to anybody and they start to apply when you can help a child say you know what here's what I'm seeing. You have really high standards but sometimes the way that comes out is in a critical spirit. You make other people feel bad. How can we help you maintain that good thing of high standards in your life and wanting to see people do things right, without becoming critical of the process. That's where your your helping a child see the hidden strength behind the weakness. That's an acting out behind that strength absolutely because we think about our greatest strengths really come from these patterns in her brain Michael a talent so these are the superhighways. Neural pathways that you're going to move down them, whether you want because there's weakness as in not having enough strength to be strong and others weakness as you said really well above that it's a misuse or abuse, drink too much of it, and those are the ones that you as a parent, depending on what it is your wrangling those you're working on those, and that's where that authoritative you can't let go of the control you can't let go of the expectations that your child needs.

What we've learned is that the more explicit the expectations are and the clarity around what you need to meet them and MI really setting you up for success become the hallmark of how household discipline can function because now I can correct you in the parameters that fit for who you are, not just a one-size-fits-all for all of these good things you different ways you're going to have challenges so let me ask you guys stay with him if if we go back, you knew this at the beginning and you're doing this is bringing you could have a do over.

What would you do differently, raising her three boys that would have led to more playing to their strengths to think.

I think we did deal with our youngest and partway with our middle son a part of that was knowing myself and knowing my strengths and my weaknesses affect what you guys said this is in the heart of the book to know your own strengths. First, as a parent you actually I'll never forget listening to checks and all talk about train up a child in the way he should go, and things always want to part from it and the whole idea that Hebrew word meaning according to their bent that switched me that really transform my thinking because I started looking for their bent and then I started speaking out when I saw in them.

And honestly I also had to go back to our oldest and apologize and apologize. I'm sorry that I've been trying to make you like me. I'm sorry that I've been putting expectations on you that have kind of taken the light out of there. I did a lot to build this backup because our kids are so quick to forgive what would you say Dave, I would say as I watched in. She's given her so hard time she did this she really did.

She taught me to see their strengths. We didn't call play the restraints but that's better language than we had. But it was like God is uniquely designed them. Ephesians 210. There like a work of art. It certainly is is think everybody sees it. I mean their brother saw their strengths you see in other people. It's hard for parents to be that objective. But if you step back and go. What are they and I'll never forget your oldest. We Artie said CJ was more technical and analytical. Our middle son was really love literature and and just built that and now is a literary agent.

He's our agent is really cool that our youngest was very athletic and he lit up on a ball field and it's all everyone talk about in other forget our oldest son CJ was on the high school football team that I coached and he wasn't the starter but he contributed and played well. So when like he was a terrible athlete, but he wasn't gonna be the star, they win the state championship first time ever in the school's history football state champ should write in. He gets a ring and it's awesome right. Three. Four years later, the youngest, Cody is the star sets every school record gets a full scholarship to college and supplanting the NFL for real brief period time so he's the star they are undefeated number one state the whole season was again get the semi finals get beat and so the best athlete in the family isn't going to get a ring and so on. Their forget is you not I'm on the field were just in tears because we should've won the state champ ship that you're not can happen so I get on the bus we go home and do I find out his Cody gets in his car at the high school after getting off the bus. CJ, the oldest son drives over takes off his rig.

This is you deserve this ring were not do. It was just such a tender moment because CJ was in knowledge and you have the gift I got the Rig Ct., Cody Wood cheering everywhere ghetto but it was so beautiful in that moment as a dad is that you know we all see each other's gifts came in their beautiful you celebrate them you know and that's what your your stamp later that in beauty comes out of ashes email when time I was asking you what have you seen in your home, since you've implemented best with your children and grace was the word that I gave them that there is just tremendous grace for each other like he just mentioned each one of our kids can celebrate over the other child without feeling less than without feeling and man I wish that were me, I wish I could do that. Like you do that which is somewhat common and so I think when we take this perspective that's celebrating who God is made them to be celebrating their victories celebrating and the amazing thing is that there can I do in the future and beyond.

It is something that is can I transform generations to come. Well, I don't know what moms and dads listing needed to hear today but I think their moms and dads who are looking at each other and going okay. We got some work to do and maybe need to dig a little deeper and read the book and understand better how they can understand their own strengths and then play to their kids strengths and guys.

Thank you for being here for help and coach us on this and thanks for writing the book think you think you and I hope a lot of our listeners are going to get a copy of your book.

It's available on our website@familylifetoday.com go there to order the book play to their strengths by Brandon and Ellen Miller again. The website is family life to a.com can also order by calling one 800 FL today again.

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