The Shrapnel of Sexual Abuse

As a child Pamela Runzheimer experienced a series of dramatic events. Events that scarred her soul and affected her life for years from the time of his nine all the way through till that 10 years.

Plaintiff remarried I had terrible nightmares nightmares where Satan would stand in front of me and say you will never be free from me and I knew versus I mean I would quote Scripture in my sleep test fight that lie but I did not connect to the sexual abuse. This is family like today hosts are David and Wilson on public team find us online@familylifetoday.com the trauma of childhood sexual abuse is a big deal has a significant impact on someone's life will hear more about that today from Bill and Pamela Runzheimer's welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us to tackle a tough subject of this week and it's a subject that I remember. Dennis Rainey would often say to me that the subject were really talking about is one of the hardest stones that the devil can throw at someone. The issue of sexual abuse leaves scars in such a profound and remarkable dramatic way in a person's life that it it leaves shrapnel and it leaves healing the can go on for years. You know little about this. It's part of your story. I do it is part of my story and I thought that God would heal me instantly that it became a journey of years in years.

We got some friends were joining us today and this is a part of their story as well. Bill and Pamela Runzheimer join us.

Welcome to the program guys thank you letter to Peter Bill and Pamela live in Minnesota they give leadership to marriage reconstruction ministries helping couples where sexual abuse is a part of the story and a lot more. It's not just sexual abuse, although that's been for a lot of your emphasis is been right correct bill is an adjunct professor at Northwestern University 39 years, a pastor in the Wisconsin and Pamela, your story includes personal history of sexual abuse you were abused when you were growing up.

Yes Tristan. Let me think that when I was eight years old I accepted Christ as my Savior and it's very important for how my story ends. I had grandparents knew the Lloyd and particularly a great grandfather who lived across the street for me when I was a four-year-old.

And every day he would come over to our yard and help with planting trees because we are building a house and he would talk to me about Jesus all the time. By the time of the psalmist ate he was dying from cancer and had gone into a, two weeks before my birthday. Whatever they talked about in children's church that Wednesday night on the way home my mom asked but I'll did you learn in my response was, I found out that I've never asked Jesus into my life and she said we can pray right now and so I did in the back of the car and immediately everything change really I was here so late that you remember this, absolutely, and I was so aware of my sin as an eight-year-old. I knew that I told lies to keep from getting a spanking. I knew that I was very jealous of one of my siblings and so with that prayer. The transformation was instantaneous. I just felt like my life had just started all over and I was so excited to tell my great grandpa Lynn tied and so I told my mom I really need to talk to great grandpa and so she took me after church on Sunday the following Sunday and we walked into the room.

It was dark. He was just quiet sleeping. She tapped him on the arm and said grandpa Pamela wants tell you something, and so opening my mouth immediately. There were the emotions of joy and tears. And I said grandpa. I asked Jesus into my heart and he said just as clear as could be. Praise the Lord I mean praise the Lord like with all the weakness of firmness and shortly after that he went to be in heaven. I'm telling you and knowing that his prayers have followed me all of my life take a story of trauma and tragedy and just completely transform everything so at eight. I had that great joy I years later, my parents moved us from public school to private school. I had a little brother who had heart problems and matériel that just seem to be the path God had for us as soon as I began fourth grade as a nine-year-old. I was sexually abused by the principal of the school he went to my church. He was really good friends of my parents. He knew how traumatized our family was of five kids. Three of us would stay with grandma for six weeks. Then someone in the church. The other ones would go to grandma's and then some in church so nobody would suspect if I started behaving poorly, that something other than the upset in the family was causing problems was the something that he groomed you for yes he did. I had a pair of shoes for school that I just that were amazingly ugly and so I brought my Sunday shoes which were very they were like from Mexico by grandpa Broughton for me they are lazy like ballerina shoes and one of the first days of school. I was getting out of my everyday shoes and putting on my Sunday shoes. What I didn't know I standing by the coat rack outside of my classroom and all of a sudden I heard this voice behind me go.

Somebody's got a secret.

And like that. He had me he knew my family. He knew that in my family.

Disobedience was punished probably with the good old spanking and that I would be fearful that I wasn't living at home, so there was no one to tell right away and so within hours. It seems from that happening. He started asking me to go to different parts of the building or outside the building where children are not allowed to be and so it started out with him wanting me to take a friend in the sky dresses or get a friend and go to the bathroom for him and from there went to the unthinkable. But the saddest part for when I look at that little girl that just had joy and and smile that went from, you know one side of the world to the other.

It immediately was gone and in its place was horror. I think the biggest thing he took away from me besides the innocence he took away my ability to believe that I could be loved and so in that instant of abuse. I could not believe that God could love me. And if God didn't love me then how could my mother and father love me how eventually could my husband love me. How could my children who I had to hard. How could they really love me. So when someone said in any point of life from I would say nine until 18 that I did something well that they cared about me in the back my mind I thought they must want something so Satan grabbed a hold of my ability to be loved and kept it hidden for a good long time.

So that started a 99 and continue until 18 or on-and-off you. I functioned fairly well, but if you would talk to my classmates like in high school, they would probably all be able to say something was just a little off. We don't know what it was I was involved in dramatics that is involved in music, but I couldn't study. I had a lot of difficulty right away and as a nine-year-old losing time and not having my work done.

I had a lot of the symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder so I have it just an extreme startle reflex. Most often I scare the other people more than I scare myself by that startle reflex. If I don't know your behind me or talking to me you had a secret you didn't tell anyone.

I did immediately. I told my mom the next time she was home.

She had a critically ill little baby.

I was the oldest and she felt like maybe I was looking for attention back in the 60s. Nobody even called it sexual abuse.

I remember telling her that the teacher wanted me to go to the bathroom and that he was testing at that. He said he was doing that for a class and another classmate also answers later. Years later I found from my dad a few years ago, before he passed away. She had told him that and you know they just thought, okay, you know, they respected him so much I really believed that I would tell classmates please stay with me at recess so that he can't get me to go away. I can remember having six grade boys when I was nine coming for milk break handing me a bag full of stuff that the teacher would use for the abuse give it to me and say your big trouble because the teachers upstairs in the library waiting for you. Where are you, I mean he was involving other kids and they didn't even know what this was years of ongoing abuse. People not hearing or not believing which were drawn great. When I started seventh grade my family moved all all of us children went back to public school and that Kenny gave me some breathing room. I didn't know what an eating disorder OS but I was bulimic and my mom would hear me throwing up after breakfast and tonight they want to stay home from school and she say watch her face and get to school so I would go and then I got involved with youth for Christ. I did some singing. I did a lot of singing in my church. My mom is very it was very, very musical, though I didn't play piano. I would hear how music should be arranged inside say okay this is what I want to do for our trio. She would write it and then we would sing for youth for Christ and she play for some even just lots of things where I was finding great joy in serving the Lord, but this underneath junk know what to do with it. So I just sort of ignored it, thinking it wasn't impact my life when I was 18, of the firm's very first time I heard that the Holy Spirit is the part of the Trinity that gives us the power to live the Christian life to have peace and just do not lie all of the things that Christ gives us with salvation and my smile returned and I'm going to college. I did not think that the abuse had any impact in in my life anymore. My smile was completely there. I felt fully realize you thought you'd been able to compartmentalize with yeah, not knowing that that's what it would be called back later was just I thought that was bad.

Maybe it didn't even happen. As bad as I thought and it's done. I've talked to women who've experienced this and have heard two different reactions to their abuse over time one has been the some women become promiscuous in the attempt to try to normalize the behavior that they experienced. Maybe if I do this so it won't won't feel the pain anymore.

Other women become so afraid of anything to do with sexuality. Nobody but follows them in the marriage and that becomes a challenge, but anytime a boy leans over to kiss him but they pull back was one of those two responses.

Your response not at first.

Okay, I did a lot of dating.

I didn't want to ever be married. I had never seen a marriage that I thought would be loving enough that I'd want to be in it.

I didn't realize the impact that my abuse is having in that perception. And so I headed to date rule I would date a guy twice whether I liked him I loved hated him or loved him. It was like I wouldn't date him again and that protected me from falling in love until I met Belco how to try to remember it all drag out so I actually ever thought of this. What was the third most remember where we are truthfully, I have the churros conquered in to the idea.

Let's keep reading. Let's consider marriage.

We were best friends for months and had talked endless hours before we ever actually would have been considered dating and then by that time, he knew he loved me and I was like you tell me you love me and I am so out of here and that's what happens while was it out here look like the Jew's updating. Why does the very heart of it, I found out I was really missing his wit, his intelligence is sparkle how he brought such perfect wholeness to my life by being different than I am and I had set him up with a bunch of new freshmen coming into school and I can member just before school started.

We were in the car in front of the college and I said I had second thoughts. I don't think you should be dating all these that was his first clue you went a long time with the thought of the back your mind.

This is who I want to get to know what I want to date will be with exactly I had good, fallen into mapping myself for a while and that's a long story have lost churros the form of life when Pamela came along I knew right away. This is somebody I believe God has for marriage. For me, you that quickly yeah we are really different in so many ways. This is what I'm looking forward so I'll never forget when we drive on my before between Milwaukee and Minneapolis. There's a spot where she first told me she loved me, and often when we, therefore, on a trip and take that route. You pull over so it was awaiting time, but I have no I the moment all what was behind her hesitancy regarding marrying. I mean she talked about the bad example she had seen, but as far as there being something that was deeper rooted. I have no idea and I have no idea when we were first married L, I think for a lot of us guys who would've thought sexual abuse was as prevalent as it was running if that was happening that was happening to such a minority that you know we we wouldn't even imagine that a girl we knew had ever experienced anything like this. The reality is it's it's probably 1/3 you may know the statistics better than I do, but I've heard as many as 1/3 of young women.

That's right today have experienced some kind of predatory sexual arranged and that's just the ones that are reporting right so it's more common but but when you meet somebody in college you don't think she'll wonder she's been sexually abuse growing up, even though the may have been a part of her past, especially in the years that we were going to call right was it was. Not much was known back them about the prevalence of sexual abuse. Never in your mind. Did it ever? Never. No symptoms no signal at all. I have never known anybody that was sexually abuse so I have no frame of reference regarding the whole thing. Pamela was just plain fun, that's fair is looking for. I had never heard the phrase sexually abused and so I didn't even have a vocabulary to talk about another lot other than if I would've described it. I honestly had no sense that any of the dysphoric feelings that I was having would be connected. We had been married 10 years and I had everything I ever dreamed for. I was thrilled with my marriage. We had two beautiful little girls. Bill had been in ministry for 10 years and everything was going along well normal again. I request you call it normal in the book.

I went to listen to you, will you bring a book called help. My wife is a survivor of sexual abuse and you say we had a normal marriage for 10 years. That's well it looks better than most of the people we were with about, but in the midst of that normalcy prior to marriage or during 10 years of marriage did the thought of or hurt you. I should tell Bill what I am now very happy. I like this and that was the puzzler I was happy, but there was this underlying anxiety that didn't have any explanation. I loved being a pastor's wife. I was so proud of Bill.

I loved him I was happiest. I love my little girls. I was involved in the community and yet underneath.

There was this kind of anxiety that would sometimes get so bad that I would think if I would not be here everybody be better. I from the time I was nine, all the way through till that 10 years point of our marriage. I had terrible nightmares nightmares where Satan would stand in front of me and say you will never be free for me and I knew versus I mean I would quote Scripture in my sleep test fight that attack that lie but I did not connected to the sexual abuse and so when we been married 10 years I was really starting to feel depressed and Bill said he'd stop reading all those books on how to be happy publicly and immediately he didn't know what to do with me. Did you ever tell about the dreams yes please out that if he had to deal with that on our honeymoon mean those those under them right out so even though you got a normal marriage you were aware there's something in my wife's soul that is restless. I'm not sure if I was that thoughtful of a guy going to the truth but we can say that. In retrospect, looking back on those early years were able to connect the dots and understand how some things that we did perceive or didn't perceive were tied to the abuse you're thinking about other things you are involved in Australia yeah too much so right. I was a controlling husband during these years, things were going the way I wanted them to go so out were fine and I was the perfect match. My perception of my parents marriage was different than my siblings that my perception was that my mom was the boss and that I felt bad for my dad and so in my mind I thought okay I will never be bossy to my husband was at just the perfect storm because I didn't tell him how I really felt about anything and the good submissive wife, and even though I have a really strong sense of who I am and I am a good thinker. I just sort of shrunk that made it small on purpose because I wanted him to be the one that shined and that felt good to him. That felt good. When we been married 10 years and I was hitting that point of feeling depressed. I told Bill we were going to pastor's wife to treat and I said if we don't get help at this. I don't know what will happen and so after prayer meeting and I got it's been normal and everybody's fine and it was this, like where did that come from when she says if we don't get help. I don't know what happened did you know what help about was original and neither I did not know it was about the abuse I thought. I need help to not be so anxious about physical intimacy.

Were there any clues that work but then at that point. After prayer meeting a man came up to us and said something we didn't know said looked at Bill and he said God is just told me that I should pray with you.

Is there something I can pray for you and Bill was quiet and I looked up at him and these words came out of my mouth and I was as shocked as the world I was sexually abused and I was 10 and I'm going leak, word did not precinct to say this had no clue guileless brought it out of my mouth.

What were you thinking I'll tell you who I was. It's easier to tell you about them to remember what I was thinking of the time I want to thank. I was totally ignorant as to the ramifications of being sexually abused, so she set it and I thought that must be a problem while the other problem was I was arrogant as a controlling husband. I want out of my way. It was all pride, so ignorance and arrogance to combine them together. I totally lacked empathy for what it was to be in Pamela shoes, which was something that I want to talk about later, and what empathy means in the marriage, especially in a marriage where there's been abuse you've laid a foundation for us here and there's obviously a lot we want to dive into and dig into.

I'm just wondering how many women are listening who have never told maybe never understood for themselves that what they experienced was a bigger deal than they've even thought it was or how many men who are listening who maybe the wife said, you know, I experience sexual abuse, and unlike Bill LaRocco oh there was me when I am sure with you. I had shared it with Dave before we were married, but lies like I was like Bill Zico data point so it years ago and it doesn't sound like a big deal. I didn't think it was a big deal either because it was I had suppressed it. I thought I had dealt with that. I felt happy and so it wasn't until we were seminary in seminary where we were taking classes on how to counsel people and we started getting into her own past that it came up and for me it wasn't until we were talking this was years ago with Dr. Dan Allender, who wrote the book the wounded heart about sexual abuse that I started to realize the level of trauma and damage and injury that happens when somebody experiences sexual abuse you've done us a great service by opening up your story to us and build you in coaching husbands to understand. This is huge and we need empathy and we need understanding on the portal part first Peter three to live with our wives and of understanding way. We need to understand this better. Your book is a great tool for husbands whose wives have experienced sexual abuse. We got copies of the book help. My wife is a survivor of sexual abuse answers to your most important questions by Bill Runzheimer go to our website. Family life today.com to order your copy or call one 800 FL today. Again, our website is family life to the.com, the number to call to get a copy of the book help. My wife is a survivor of sexual abuse number is one 800 FL today, one 803 586-329-1800 F is an family L as in life, amend the word today. I know the subject. We've talked about today has hit uncomfortably close to home for some of you who have been listening at family life. One of our goals is to have honest conversations about the real issues that we face in our marriage and in our family relationships family life is here to provide practical biblical help and hope for the issues.

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Tomorrow we are going to find out more about the process that Bill and Pamela Runzheimer went through lead to healing and liberation in their marriage ultimately decided to share with talk about that tomorrow could be with us for that engineer today along with our entire hosts Dave and Anna Wilson about seeing that next time. Family. Family life. To use a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. A crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow