Healing from Abuse

When a man and woman marry the two become one. That means that in some way. The traumas of our past become a part of our shared experiences a couple that's what Bill Runzheimer experienced when his wife shared with him about her childhood sexual abuse, and they began a process that led to a deep healing in both of their lives. Bill says that can be a reality for any couple. God is going to take you on a journey you're going to learn more about your wife and the ever new but more importantly you're going to learn more about yourself and more about God than you ever knew before, he's going to teach you some things that he would never be able to teach otherwise is going to test you out of this. He's going to develop something that can be really rich in your marriage.

This is family life today. Our hosts are Damon and Wilson Bob Lapine can find us online@familylifetoday.com sometimes there are events from our past that we'd rather just ignore wall them off and try to forget about Bill Runzheimer says when you go down a painful path find it leads to deep joy talk more about that today. Stay with us and welcome to family life to.

Thanks for joining us in talking this week about a tragic and may be a hidden story very important talk about the issue of sexual abuse and and you were saying you feel like the enemy is at work trying to keep this in the dark I do I get pretty passionate when I hear stories even when my sister brought her and peace out and shared it with my mom and my grandmother their response and he didn't know they didn't know how to respond, but their response was a seeming responsive what you better not do this again. In other words, saying it was her fault.

When I shared my story for the first time, publicly, a woman came up to me and she said you glorified Satan today and so I thought the last thing I want to do. I want to bring this to the light, so people can be set free and then I was played with Danny glorified Satan. Should I not have shared my story.

And so I do think that Satan is on the warpath to keep this in the darkness because he can work in the dark well were trying to bring it appropriately to the light as were talking about at this week and we got some friends were helping us build on, Runzheimer joining us again. Welcome back. Guys, this is a part of your story that you have brought to the light and we shared this week how you experienced sexual abuse when you're in elementary school at the hands of the teacher shared with your parents and with friends but they did know what to do with that you thought okay I just will keep it compartmentalized never told your boyfriend, who became your husband straight. It was 10 years in your marriage and bill your pastor, you got two kids 10 years in your marriage. And this comes out at a pastor's retreat use torture what to do with that or how to process it.

Eight years later you're starting to have an emotional breakdown Pamela and you wind up in the psych ward of the hospital. Clearly this card. This in and as you said, or it's not really a starts an infection yet is still in your soul. This is when it begins to be dealt with and bill you said you were starting to realize she's not the only one who has stuff that needs to be dealt with God starting to take you to the woodshed and say we got some issues here that you as a pastor as a husband as a follower of Christ, things you need to repent of things I need to address.

Yes, you, we all know how in marriage. There is a complementary relationship between husband and wife while our dysfunctions can be complementary as well.

So for areas where life is a bit distorted for Pamela, for example, in what sexuality is, because of having been abused while my life was distorted as well and many of my perceptions of what it is to be the head of the home what it is to be pure in regard to human sexuality. As you know there was distortion that was there for me so right.

God needed to work in my life I was enjoying being king and his little clean all the sudden the queens come in and then send out some things to talk about a way to put what what's happening and see you and me to say that I thought by this time the Holy Spirit is shocking that me you know.

And God has a way of just grabbing our lives in and he may be shaken as buddies doing it with a pretty loving arms Pamela. We talked about the fact that the healing from this was a matter of years. Counseling and therapy. Why does it take years because our psyche is so damaged and as physicians in the last 10 years have been able to map brain activity that explains a lot of my take so long for me. I would say by the end of four years I was teaching women's study again doing some things and I would go to three years feeling really good and then I looked in my life. Sort of like an onion guided peel back that crusty crinkly stuff of pain and then I would feel really better and I would just think good. The hearing is complete and then in his live, he would just peel back a little more and it would hurt and it would be hard and it would trigger, but when we talked about that first 18 years being our normal marriage on my goodness it's so much better now and during that interim time from Mike we look at life is before 1991 and after 1991 there was a period after 1991 where our intimacy was completely destroyed everything that had been joyful for me suddenly became disgusting. My own body became disgusting similar to when I'd been the little girl there been a time when I'd been in high school where I would not I can stand to look at my own body did know was connected to debut session at been able to figure it out and out it seems so simple now but I didn't answer.

I would not shower and I'm shared and that's not pleasing. I would pretend I'd run the water some I went get yelled at for not taking a shower, but I went because I did not want to see my own body. So gather so many distortions and I really do believe that Satan used people that blamed me for the problem to just further, in that the lies that had already begun with the abuse and then assess able to just say now I know what truth really is God's word is true.

Satan's voice got quieter and quieter and now he's like background noise and I would just encourage you if you are like me, the fight is so worth that there is never a day where I think all I would have been better not to fight.

It's a joy to live. Now some and yet when you are in that fight and really was both Alyssa was a oneness fight together right now. I feel your pastor here. Pamela your home your struggle in your panic attacks. I mean you just described all of that. I'm thinking, how did you do ministry where was your walk with God during that where you are able to overflow that your carnation I'm thinking that I will pastor I be like. I'm either not going to do this or the cognitions going to know what's going on in my home. So there's that balance and they did know and they did love aesthetic part of the healing. I mean the elders would be with us. They knew they just surrounded belt I mean they came in just lifted the burdens from him and without him only to preach. It was a turning point for church as well because for me, who could been so close because I've got this façade. This pride thing going on as God broke me. Finally I could become transparent. Was transparent to the congregation.

Pamela was obviously transparent to the congregation or church changed all along this time it'd been growing in numbers but not started growing in depth and as far as how to make it through those years. I don't know. I don't know but I do know that God's faithfulness kept us going. There were times that I will abuse this phrase I felt like I was holding on the God by a thread.

But he was holding onto us with strong arms.

During that whole time and as Pamela said the church was loving us in praying us through this. What would you say when we've we talked about breakthrough moment at 18 years and yet you said after that there was still work being done. Can you say you got to a point where you said I feel like the onions been peeled or is it still an ongoing process in your life today. I might say that the onion has been peeled and the court is not a stinky little of an onion instead.

I see it as a diamond and when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see the stinky onion anymore. I see hard diamond because of the class think that so beautiful and I think it's very typical because I experienced the same thing in that I thought I'm healed I'm doing and I would be triggered by something or someone else's story and then it would all resurface thinking is thinning and I began to realize all that part of the healing isn't Gracious to not dump it all on me at once and because I can handle it. Then I would say the same thing if you like that onion has been peeled.

My sister had been abused for probably 10 years or more, and neither one of us knew that the other had been abused until I was in seminary. She came out to visit me and I shared the whole thing and I'm sharing she's sobbing because she said I'll country the same thing and it was so sweet that God allowed us to seal together and yet in that there was something really precious about God needing us and really taking us together on that journey and then Dave came along on the journey as well and it was hard for Dave Dale, just as it was for you, and we struggled for quite a long time. As I read your book and you will attend questions. The first two men I was right there is like when do I get our marriage back, which I thought was so perfect that I realize it wasn't ever perfect and I don't really even what I want to now, but at the time you like the least. It felt like there's not really any conflict. We seem to be happy in it was all hidden and not very normal. Felt good when I get normal back and and worse. I know you you want better than normal range.

I didn't like dealing with conflict anyway so I'm bringing this stuff up and behavior that others are made so you don't were talking here about process and the surprise of how long the processes for years.

I was praying for her initially that it was for years. I was praying for God's instantaneous healing and one time this takes me back in in years leadership Journal was actually a published journal.

At that time and there was an article by Archibald Hartson which she said.sometimes often times uses the process because it builds more faith and to us through the process that he does by granting us the instantaneous healing.

I thought it would be a win-win was instantaneous to know. Look, God, the church would know what you've done.

That would be a win for you and then I get the return to my know where God have better ideas that makes me think of the blind man in Mark chapter 8 that's brought to Jesus and Jesus take some aside away from the crowd, which is what he had to do with me.

He had to take me into my some isolation to break me and then the text says that Jesus spit into his eyes. I find that really humorous and then asked him can you see want to say what Jesus just a minute let me get this out of my eyes. What will find out and then he said I see but is is people are looking like their trees, walking around, I'm not seen perfectly. And then Jesus touched his eyes and he could see Foley I learned from that that God doesn't answer prayer the way we would expect to whatever works.

Batman would've never expected the Jesus in the process of healing would abuse spit and there's a lot of things in our lives like wow God I didn't expect that. But I know thing about God is that his work of process is for the purpose of perfecting his healing so it may seem alarming one. Pamela speaks of years and years of counseling and it was alarming to me. You know, I thought. I can't tell you how many times her counselor said to me to be patient could just irritated me so much but the whole time God was perfecting his work that he knew he needed to do in us. You guys have a ministry now.

The couples were going through this marriage reconstruction ministries for and we got a link on our website a family like today.com for those who would like more information about what you're doing but Pamela if you are sitting down with a young woman who just said I've never shared this with anybody but this was a part of my past and I've been scared to bring it up but I heard you talking about on the radio and you had the first three minutes with her to tell her what she needs to know what would you tell her there is hope that this is not the end of of life to have to feel the pain again and that it's really important to find someone who is qualified in listening to trauma. I'm someone that knows what to do to help you unwrap your story slowly enough that it doesn't consume you and burn you. I don't typically meet with a person more than once because I am not equipped. I mean, I can recognize that a person is at a breaking point in their story that they should not keep feeling in that moment, but I don't have all of that, the wisdom and training so find somebody who is trained find a couple people who can pray for you. I had a few women that I talked to and I just said I will not survive this. Without prayer right now I cannot put two words together so will you be my prayer warriors and they were half of the cards that I go through daily are verses that God gave these prayer warriors for me. I found out that I had people praying for me that I didn't even know and I'm sure that will be for those listeners today that there will be people even if you've never heard of Jesus before that will be brought up by Jesus to be your prayer warriors, and in the ministry that we have bill works at the husbands and I and the one who has the privilege of being the prayer person so I pray for the wives while he speaking with husbands and and Bill. If you have your first three minutes with a husband who is just learned his wife's been abused and is thinking I'll help her shirt. So what would we do. I can't tell them that it's going to take as long as God did for us. Every story is unique, but I would say God is going to take you on a journey you're going to learn more about your wife and the ever new but more importantly you're going to learn more about yourself and more about God than you ever knew before, and he's going to teach you some things that you would never be able to teach otherwise is going to test you out of this. He's going to develop something that can be really rich for your marriage, you will understand what it is to be in your wife's shoes. If you're willing to enter into this journey as well as remembering making sure you keep in mind what it is to be in your shoes.

You need to do some self-care.

You need to have some self-awareness to know where God wants to develop you so know what it is to be in your shoes, but learn what it is to be in your wife's shoes. Pamela when we met you said you introduced yourself you set I'm Pamela.Pam.

And that's part of my story.

Yes, I was named Pamela Ruth and I love that name, but like many names it got shortened.

Pam and when the abuse started. Pam held all of that pain and without realizing that I was asking to be separated from the pain. I told my mother I wish I could always just become Pamela but within the family I stayed being called Pam when I was in college I thought I can start over and out be Pamela most people shorten my name to Pam wasn't until we had been married a few years that I told Bell I'm going to request of people to call me Pamela. I did not understand. Even then, that my name Pam was holding the pain until I had a nervous breakdown and suddenly with such clarity. I understood that that little girl Pam was holding the pain and Pamela could live above the pain and now I don't like to be called Pam. I feel the pain.

It's it's a visceral trigger, but I don't lose my mind over it and instead I picture Pam and Pamela as this little girl that Jesus picks up, just like you did the last lamb and that he just holds me tight and keeps me safe, and that it doesn't matter which you call me to.

I'm all one sweet Pamela share with us how it deals journey help you in your healing.

I suddenly trusted a man and I had never respected or trusted a man and in the back my mind. I kind of knew that I wanted to respect him as my husband, but underneath it all. I really held little respect for men. I thought I was smarter than they were. I could do anything a man can do and probably do it better and then as I watched Bill grow and as he was willing to go to school to learn what it was like for other men to be living with a woman who had been abused his understanding of me and love for me was so great and overflowing with different totally different. Instead of it being I love you and let's have fax it was I love you and I want to listen to you then this always told me one of his favorite things is to listen to me talk. Now I would think he gets so part of that but he likes me to tell my stories of imagining things.

How music has color. To me, how I love to picture a beautiful sunset and how I would paint it is so different than his life that he loved to listen to the stories, and now he sees that is the heart of me, sex is still very important, but that was one of the bigger changes just his tenderness on when he would put me first.

It wasn't I'm putting you first because you've been such a battleax today it's only to survive.

Not that there's just complete heart difference. And as my heart was completely rebuilt Bill's heart was rebuilt and so we are not the same people and have to say the there are days where like yesterday I wounded Bell and I wounded him deeply because we've had some difficulties just like everyone goes through with a death in the family and I was upset I was overtired and I made a remark of wishing I had been the one that had gone to heaven.

Well thank you that was not the right thing to say and then cite. I told.I'm. It took me a day. I told him I am sorry that that anger that I was feeling really is at my abuser and I impose that on to you again and I'm sorry I know I wounded you and he forgave me and those things do happen, but not with regularity and we have words to use. Now we've had a counselor that has really helped us to really ask the right questions, and Holy Spirit is the best though. What would you say is I've heard you both so you would not want the marriage used to have her Pamela's explain what she means.

What would you say is on that husband to it. I want to know how you would articulate the marriage. You now have wise a better because I hope I'm saying this in the right way. It's better because of what got a stunning me. Perhaps the first thought of the listener would be well. Pamela field. Now it's gotta be better. Well yeah but it would be worse if the changes hadn't occurred to me I can appreciate those artistic things about Pamela. That's what makes her merge better or worse before it was all about me husbands who are married to survivors. One thing that we need to get over.

We too often think about how we are affected by what's going on with our wives either stop that. Think my goodness I need to think of how Pamela's been affected by that abuse, not by how this affects me that we need to grow as individuals as well to realize that those times that were yelled at you it was wounding the other day but I realize what my counselor told me this affects me, but it's not about me.

I have to remind myself that there's a battle going on in that little girl is still hurting and Pamela towards that abuser.

I happen to be, you know, in the way. At that moment, but I need to grow up and be able to in the same way that the God just embraces us in the midst of our craziness. I need to embrace Pamela in the midst of some of the craziness that still there. I want to share something here that I'm going to list some words that would depict human experiences and for those who are listening.

Whether you are the spouse of a survivor or a survivor. I just want you to think about these words you are familiar with them. The first were the first experience is aloneness and laughter sure depicts the survivor and it it speaks of the spouse to feeling so alone. Who would ever understand what I'm going through another word would be shame and helplessness, can get the right help.

Another one is loss. I've lost so much. Another one would be abandonment or humiliation or the silence of God that for sure God where are you the silence of God.

Every one of those experiences describes the experience of Christ when he was on the cross and we emphasize empathy. Empathy is knowing what it is to be in your shoes while simultaneously knowing what it is to be in our own shoes. That's what Jesus did this what God did in Christ, he empathized with us. In fact, he got into our shoes in Christ who became man without losing who he was in his shoes God man Christ continued to be God is. He walked among us. It is so reassuring to come back to those truths and I may yell out to God or I may not even have the words to cry out to God, but to no that whether it survivor or spouse where we are wrapped in the moment God in Christ has already been there and he came through it victoriously and that's the right place to land this conversation is to remember that we have a high priest yes who is sympathetic.

Who knows our frailties who has experienced this and who's victorious and who offers us freedom and hope and liberation of a that's the thing. It just jumps often you two as a couple hands in a joint that is impossible in the situation with a crushing thank you for sharing your story. Thank you. Thanks for writing your book. I think any husband whose wife has experienced sexual abuse of any kind. This is a book that he ought to read as a gift to her as a gift to himself.

It's not just about how you can be a better husband, but it's about how you can confront as you shared with us Bill some your own issues here.

We've got copies of the book Bill has written called help. My wife is a survivor of sexual abuse. You can order the book from us online@familylifetoa.com or call one 800 FL today to get your copy again.

Our website is family life to a.com, the number to call to get a copy of the book help.

My wife is a survivor of sexual abuse is one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. One of my favorite scriptures is from the book of Isaiah where Isaiah is talking about the coming of the Messiah and he says he'll exchange beauty for ashes, and I think what we talked about today is just an illustration of how God can bring beauty out of horrible circumstances and situations that the word for that is redemption. God can redeem what has been broken or destroyed or injured or marred, and here family life today. What we want to be a part of God's redeeming work in the lives of husbands and wives and families all around the world.

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We appreciate you not tomorrow to talk about the popular notion that the church in the United States is on the decline. Glenn Stanton says there is some truth but maybe not as much as the myth of the dying church tomorrow to infer that think our engineer today along with our entire broadcast on behalf of our hosts Dave and Anna Wilson and Bob Payne see that next time for another family life, family life, to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. A crew ministry help for today hope tomorrow