Press Through the Struggle

Whenever he is talking to stepdad's and blended families run deal says there is one question that most of them are still trying to answer. Who am I in this family. I don't know what my role is as stepdad to these kids. I'm trying to bond with them trying to join with them, but their teenagers and their Pentagon in OS teenagers do following on where you live in their life and I'm not. I'm sure I feel like I have a place to step in and so he's just feeling lost and disconnected and like I'm on the outside looking in that I desperately want to get in but only know how to get in and they won't let me. This is family life to our hosts are David and Wilson by Bob Lapine can find us online@familylifeto.com navigating your way through the maze of the blended family is hard, but it's not impossible to run deal says the rewards can be incredible talk more about that today. Stay with us and welcome to family life to day.

Thanks for joining us. You guys had the experience a while back you went to one of the blended and blessed events that run deal puts together where were talking to blended families all around the country via simulcast actually all around the world via simulcast was that they like for you guys what we were the blessed part of the day is good actually.

And what I heard them is actually we had never been to one, and we get the speak at it with Ron and in Minneapolis in I'm telling you what it was really powerful because you have in a room and then simulcast so people are watching her all over the world and able to watch it even later people are watching from our church even yeah I mean when we came home and people that stages can set talking about how helpful it was for them in our whole blended ministry at our church and how they are using the videos later so it was a chance to be with common like people who have struggled with the same thing and pointing them to the right place. Obviously Jesus but sharing common I mean you don't hear this, you just don't let when I preach on Sundays. I'm not always thinking like I should about the blended family sitting there and this is like what were going right there.

Ron deal is joining us as we come family life to day. Welcome back. Thank you.

It's always good to be with you.

You just had another blended and blessed event and we do this every spring, something that his group is growing. People are catching on to it.

People are seeing the value in the benefit from these events. But this is just a small part of what you do here at family life blended books and resources your podcast family ought blended podcast that's out now and you just recently updated the smart stepfamily DVD series.

The video series. 10 years ago it was clips from you. Speaking to an audience on blended family issues. Now you've come in and brought testimonies from other couples and really freshened up the material and you're dealing with what couples are told you over the last decade are the key issues that they're facing.

It's really fun to get feedback from people about this series and I mean the bottom line is, as we talked about this week is were getting people together God's people together inviting friends Mina people from the community who maybe don't know Jesus, but they have a felt need around their family and were just inviting them to digest some good material to talk and share and encourage each other and I believe it's a great way of bringing people to the Lord what one of the things that couples who are forming a blended family are hoping is going to be the reality in their blended relationship. This is true for her first marriage. It's true for any marriage will we. We are hoping that some of the loneliness were feeling some of the isolation were feeling is going to be solved because we have a companion joining us, and yet you've talked about blended families who get into it and go. I feel lonelier now than I did when I was single yet. What's insidious about this is that we often think of marriage as a two-person dance and in fact it really is at the end of the day.

It really comes down to what happens between you and me, but there are things that happen around you and me that influence our relationship stressors in life you if you lose your job… And you have no financial pressure that puts pressure within your marriage. The blended family story that is all too common that leads to isolation and marriage and ultimately divorce is the story of how you and I are great but we don't how to manage the stuff around us kids.

Parenting step parenting former spouses new in-laws, old in-laws in a multitude of kids different parenting styles.

We got financial pressures. All of that is weighing heavy on us. So I contend that to do marriage ministry well with blended family couples we have to address all the stuff and that's what we try to do in the series in the series. You we hear from couples who are living out some of the challenges that you're going to talk about and in fact there was a couple who shared this whole issue of how they started to feel isolated after they got married. Listen to what they sure my first marriage. I was really young I was 19 when I got married.

So this is my first marriage and is my wife's second marriage and what made us a blend. We also had two children at the time that we were married. They were 13 and 10 and I thought I was joining the family versus becoming a family, and I think it's a lot about trouble started because at that age are not little kids there fully developed is so there's no time for me to nurture them into who they were. At that point so I didn't know how to be a dad to a teenager.

But what'll what I'm sure the children were thinking, so what we do with it. I don't know what to do with them either.

It was just so complex and so stressful think it started to show on all of us. It was always easy for things that go offkilter is like okay as me and then it was never us really feel like I was appreciated as a stepdad at a real like I had a place so I started to find my place outside the home. And oddly enough, I found that place in ministry and in doing church stuff people praised me for doing stuff so I felt like they appreciated me more than my family and so one day there was not a big argument.

It is kinda came to a head. He wasn't paying attention to the family and other things going on in the church were more important. I felt neglected. So I was ready to throw in the town we were on the verge of divorce had taken out a suitcase and I was in a pack and I kicked it in the suitcase hit the wall to put a hole in the wall and so I get back home from church back in his bag and I'm leaving about here.

I work in the media ministry, zombie my way down the hall and family deacon says hey how's it going system findings and those succumbing to go home. Your wife is your first ministry and I went home that day I was like him to do whatever I can to make this work. Divorce not be an option. There's something about him saying that to me that signaled to me that he care and he wanted me to care.

We decided we were going to be a married couple first. The kids were to be the kids are getting older and at some point they're gonna leave the house and I will be fighting the whole time you're in Houston so they leave what we can have when they leave extra time and is definitely worth time.

We just can't work in my mission with the kids now was great. My son is married. Now he calls me on time now about husband's hips and how to be a dad and I would never have imagined the 13-year-old that he was when I married his mother now 33-year-old would be calling me asking advice about how to be a better husband just to see the love and compassion that they have for my husband who they didn't know 20 years ago and if I had known then what I know now it would be okay in the listing to them. Sure about their journey had it just drove home the point that you made. If all they had to worry about was just the relationship they could make that work okay yeah but that's not all you have to worry about whether it's kids or finances or in-laws or the other complexities you throw that into the mix and all of a sudden now our relationship is challenged because of the external factors are putting pressure on yeah and one of the pressures for this guy was simply who am I in this family. I don't know what my role is as stepdad to these kids.

I'm trying to bond with them and trying to join with them, but their teenagers in there, going you know as teenagers do. Following their own way and live in their life and I'm not am sure I feel like I have a place to step in and so he's just feeling lost and disconnected and an outsider's words were.

I never felt a part of the family have felt like I was joining a family rather than building a family that is a very common experience for stepparents and we sit on this broadcast and other times you feel like an outsider like I'm on the outside looking in that I desperately want to get in but only know how to get in and they won't let me. So what I do and this guy what he did. The way he coped was found something to do through himself in the ministry and it became a mistress to him and it became a place where he belonged and could contribute and found some significance in the meantime is just getting further and further and drifting further from his family, think about word. The first word we heard and then where we ended what an amazing journey and again were here in just a synopsis of prior years, but it sounds like this is going to end in divorce. In tragedy that's where they're headed. And yet there's a guy at church that will take him I'm good for an answer right there not need to go home and it was the catalytic moment, the said he's right, of gotta save this marriage. So in some sense watching that in a family room or in a restaurant or wherever you're sitting to watch it in us in a DVD series. That's like changing yes as I was at Tango I feel what he's feeling. I haven't told anybody and yet nouns in a room like I can share that in there's hope.

That's the beauty was going on in the hope there that I want people to get from this series is yeah you today. You're in a struggle.

Stick with it. Yeah, keep going. There is reward. Now I can guarantee you win or where how quickly, but you gotta stay with it, press through those awkward difficult.

I don't know what to do moments and don't give up. That's the beauty of what this couple shared is a start looking now back and saying I've got my bio son calling his stepfather for parenting tips and there's bonding and there is love there and I didn't believe it could happen back 20 years ago and yet it's happening, that's where you go. Couples who persevere, who figured out who get help him find hope they wind up five years later. Go on. This is better than I thought it could be.

And here's a little perspective as we think about this. Where marriage ministry here at family life. There are definitely some things that are very different about blended family living in blended marriages there some things that are exactly the same and here's one thing that's the same when the going gets tough, hold onto God's hand and press in and don't give up because there are often rewards.

On the other side right here in the middle of the wilderness Moses it's a long way to the promised land but keep on going because there is a promise to hold onto and at the end of the day.

This couple their stressor was him being an outsider. My stepdad role don't know what to do. How do we make this work. The bio moms going you're not invested. I don't respect you for that.

The blended family dynamics where the catalyst to their isolation, but the repair is the same at the end of the day. As with any marriage don't quit hold on the commitment, trust God in the hard yes. Look for some answers.

Find some support the deacon who stepped into his life plan a marvelous role water role the church can play in helping blended families keep going but they had to just stay committed to the process.

I remember on boys were all getting married and have daughter-in-law is now in the picture in there's just a shift in the family and the family dynamics and I was trying to get my head around that what is neat what do these relationships look like now.

I remember sitting down with Barbara Rainey.

I didn't see her all the time but I sat down with her and I sent Barbara why didn't you tell me complicated would be so easy and smooth because I had expectations all I should've told you and can probably ask because this can take between three and seven years of figuring it out just her words of somebody that's walked that path somebody that's been there and soon she said oh okay this is helped me so much and just talking to someone else that's been there because I was going out of my mind, myself and Dave I love you but you weren't helping Max Narron I'm a mom and it's different, but it just helps to have somebody sitting with you saying yeah hang on. That can really help.

I love the way the woman into the clip she said you know if I'd only known then what I know now I would tell myself and what I would tell other people this it'll be okay. Sometimes you just need to hear that so that you can find the courage to keep dealing with whatever the heart is of the moment and press through it means a lot though to hear it from somebody it's been where you been like if I said in a marriage.

It's two people. It's always been there like what you know.

I can relate back to be in a son is that family but when you hear from somebody's live where you've lived. It's like oh my goodness I get to run. How may times people come up to me at my church usually after message and may not even be about marriage or relationship, but the walk up in their blended family and it's this simple the same and were really struggling and were trying to blend this in and I look at him and I go yeah you ever feel isolated. Yeah how you know that I said you highlight typically takes for a blended family to blend in a look at me like how you know I say Ron deal says typically seven years and it's based on the kids that comment. I'm not kidding.

There like somebody knows this. Where did you get that. I don't know what I haven't done it, but that material written.

I can see their legs leaning into me like where do I get it how to finest and then the sit in a room with other people hear stories like that. It is literally like changing as I can hear it in your given them hope with just a simple little perspective.

The bottom line you what you're saying to them is you're not crazy you're kinda normal and you know what I think there's hope in the normal and I just love Dave you as a pastor to even have those words to be able to share.

I mean, one of my greatest desires is that at least one pastor in every church in the world knows enough about this to even offer a simple little message of hope like that because so many people I think parish under these blended family dynamics unnecessarily. I'm just a firm believer in that that it doesn't have to be because of all this complexity that if blended family couple stay married five years.

The divorce rate goes in half of often joke is like dog ears like a you know where five years is like equivalent to being 50 Silver anniversary gold anniversary just keep going but often people succumb to the challenge and they don't know what else to do in our story I love. I just got highlight when things got tough. Would this guy said he went to his wife. He's a stepdad he's the outsider. He's not sure he's even got a place in the home and he says to her divorce is not an option.

Were going to do this and she needed to hear that because inside her mind. She's thinking he doesn't value us. She's left he's moving on. She needed to hear him say no I'm in to anybody who's listing right now is struggling.

You know that's where it starts is you gotta declare I'm in and I'm not going anywhere and we are going to figure this out because I love and value you so much, that statement is the beginning of possibilities and without it everybody's just walking around thinking nobody's gonna fight for me or us. I'm thinking about what you talk about if you get the five years. Divorce rate cut in half.

You said seven years average seven years for family to blend something about the persecuted IMF weathering your eight right are gone. So this is still hard for me. So is there something wrong with us, then I'm going okay. We set average so there some families abundant three and you just happen to be one of those families. It's taken longer to blend. There may be more complexity that you brought into the situation that makes the heart and we need to define what blend means because there's lots of blended family situations where most of the relationships are pretty good or really good but there's one or two that isn't. And so sometimes maybe you have a difficult relationship with one stepchild great with two not so great with one and you would say were not women blended yet where your eight were still struggling with some stuff look at what window that lists this count your blessings for your marriage is doing good you got two kids were that relationship is pretty solid and you just got one that you're struggling with. Okay that is still a healthy blended family right.

Sometimes the expectations people put on themselves are so high that they're constantly feeling like they're not getting there and you really are wellness add to this. It's not like you get to year seven or year six for your eight and it's like now everything runs smoothly as perfect as I've been married 40 years and it doesn't always run smooth.

That's right, strike the natural drift. How I will for the we set this hello voice.

The natural drift in every relationship is a driftwood isolation, and unless couples are the first marriage and a blended family are intentionally working toward oneness. The momentum is good to push in the other direction and so you have to be constantly vigilant to be pressing your marriage or family court blending toward oneness toward the biblical design for marriage and that's when both people in the marriage are motivated to press in. Imagine again.

If you have five or seven or multiple households and varying levels of motivation to press in.

Sometimes you're carrying more weight because it's another person won't carry their weight and so again it's I guess the message out to people is okay you relax at some level and notice what you have going well or how things have improved and no not every relationship is exactly what you wanted to be. You're still in process in some way, but you are coming together and things are improving enjoys at rest in that trust God with the and at the same time.

I love with the husband said toward the end I think was toward the end he said you get a work that we hear that words like what Bob was to say the tide is coming at you in your boat and it's just work and if you take one or out of the water. You're just going with the thing.

It's really really hard but don't quit and I don't want people to miss what you said because let's say you've got a family in the first marriage intact family and the wife is motivated toward oneness on the husband's that's a challenge.

Let's say the husband and wife are motivated toward oneness, but maybe for one reason while the kids and now you got another challenge. 12 let's talk add to a blended family, husband and wife are motivated, but some of the step kids aren't. That's a challenge to the whole intact family is motivated toward oneness, but the ex-spouse isn't for the ex-in-laws yard you batted so many other relational dynamics.

That's why the complexity makes this harder in a blended family again. I'm a firm believer, it can be done.

You just have to have some answers some guidance around those complex factors. What you can do about him and what you can't do about them and how you try to support each other within those dynamics that you can't control, and you keep going and you wonder if it can run you might know better neighbor. If you balance out all these different factors of you know, you get to know what to do yet. I have people around and help you but there's this other one that we've already talked about it. Is this this will divorce is not an option. You wonder how important that is.

Almost it's the foundation don't start there. You won't even care about the other stuff if you start there, and I'm thinking, what if a dad or mom tonight.

Sit down as a result of listening to this in a blended family or not, but especially in a blended family said at the dinner table.

I want to buy here to know this. No matter how bad it gets. I'm not going anywhere just that statement and it might get bad or it might get good but no matter how rocky it gets.

I want kids and what you know this.

This man is not leaving this man is not bailing here a dad say that her mom say that when it does get rocky. They have at least that okay. He says not leaving. So how we through this, but were gonna get through this. I now add one more application day because I love what he said round of what would it look like whether you and your first marriage, a second marriage or third marriage. But what if, at the dinner table 2. He sat down and talked about. I know were unnecessary times and I know things are complex, but these are the good things I see there going on in our family and just doing can make us feel like getting your breath like I got lost in the mire there but really is doing some things and not everybody the table even has to agree with you. It's okay if somebody sit there going and when it's a good thing for you, but not so good for me and you can just acknowledge that the we have some differences. We see some things differently, but in what you're saying is when you make that observation you are inviting people to see that you are invested that you're committed and that from your point of view there's some positive things that you're holding onto. That's very valuable we mentioned this before, you are in your first marriage. Yes, I plan to stay there.

This is not ever been a part of your personal experience right God has given you a heart for this and a broad ministry to blended families and stepfamilies. I'm just wondering how many people listening who are in a first marriage would say you know I'm I do have a heart for the people in my church and I'm I'm thinking okay we were probably not to start a stepfamily small group in our home because we love a stepfamily. But what if a couple said we have a heart for stepfamily. We could invite the people we know her and stepfamilies even though we haven't been in one, and come over and say look, we don't all the challenges you guys are facing with him face to him, but we just wanted to be here to set the table for conversation half of what I did 27 years ago, and be bold enough and courageous enough, and trusting God enough that if you invite those couples to your living room or a small group at church or what, where, that meets the good things will happen and I said then and I still say now I don't know people asked me question.

I don't know what I considered my job back then was to simply facilitate the opportunity for people to be together and for us to explore together, and by the way, I had a coleader couple which was a wise thing to do, who was in a blended family. I had a skill set as a therapist that I brought to the table but they brought life experience and so we played off one another strength like you can do this and just when we do this in the church all the time. People help people with, you know, recover from abortions and you've never had an abortion or you know people coming out of a drug addicted lifestyle and you never been down that road before we do this all the time in ministry.

This is really not that different, and I think marriage ministry leaders you have a lot in common you're still married, you still have a lot to draw from your still a parent, you still have a lot to draw from even working with blended family. You have to know everything about their life, but the power is in getting people together and at least beginning to use a tool like this.

Let the tool do the teaching. You do the facilitating well is the tool you're talking about is an updated tool. It's the video series that accompanies your book. The smart stepfamily and you just revise the complete series are listers can go online@familylifetodate.com for information about the smart stepfamily audio series. This is a great breakout class for churches to offer or a small group to go through. Or you could host this in your neighborhood backed if you said my wife and I are to be hosting a video series for blended couples just put up door hangers in your neighborhood invited other couples to come join you. You'd be amazed how many people would be drawn to something like this. Find out more about the smart stepfamily video series. When you go to family life to date.com you can order it from us online and look for information as well about the upcoming summit on stepfamily ministries that were holding this year as a live stream event on October 1 and second we been doing these summits for years now and people from all over the country. Actually, all around the world have been coming in and spending a couple of days together to get trained and equipped them to better understand how to effectively minister to blended families in your church or in your community this year were doing at all online to that all virtually all of us figured out now.

The last few months how to connect and how to engage in one of these virtual events and so were making that happen.

October 1 and second there's information online@familylifetodate.com about the summit on stepfamily ministries go to our website and check that out and plan to be part of what we think is going to be the largest summit that's ever been held addressing this subject again October 1 and second information is available online@familylifetoday.com or call if you need information one 800, FL, today is our number tomorrow order to share a story with you around. You will be here again will talk about what began as a challenging a difficult blended family situation and before was all said and done, there were some sweet moments that came out of this story tomorrow. You can tune it will be encouraged by what you hear think our engineer today along with their entire broadcast on behalf of our hosts Dave and Anna Wilson see you back next time for another edition of family life today.

Family life to day is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow