Prioritizing Your Relationship

Is it possible for a stepdad to be the kind of protector and guide and leader to a stepdaughter that he wants to be Ron deal says that can get kind of tricky. It's one of those delicate pieces were stepdad Sam and I'm here to help. He's got a big heart got great intentions. He's been to the men's ministry. His church and he knows what leadership is been listening to Dave preach about this forever and you know he's been through stepping up and Dennis Rainey taught him how to be a man to be a leader in here is trying to do that stepdaughter's going well, you ain't my day in a backup. This is family life today.

Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Pino find us online@familylifetoday.com how can a godly stepdad or stepmom be the kind of parent, God wants them to be in the lives of their stepchildren, Ron deal says that can happen, it just needs to happen slowly and carefully stay with us and welcome to family life to.

Thanks for joining us. I've talked about this before but it bears repeating. And you were a gymnast right I will and during the time this is not in the house in those areas with you when you're gymnast a part of your score was based on the degree of difficulty of the routine you're doing very come up with watch the Olympics.

Okay, here we are talking okay are you going to refund it. So if somebody's doing a simple routine and they do it flawlessly. There still I can get a tan because it was a simple routine if you want to 10 you got a do a complex routine and you gotta do that really well. Exactly. So I'm thinking I got you Bob. I know you people in a first marriage may not ever get to attend because they don't get the degree of difficulty that some and let you know I'm kind of a genius that I have attended in your first marriage. I'm not saying your first marriage can't be all that God intends for to because it can be and should be right, but the degree of difficulty in a second marriage is certainly usually higher because there are just a whole bunch more complicating factors that come into a second or third marriage, and the reason I know that isn't because I've spent the last almost a decade because we have to ask price.

We work together. Ron deal I Ron welcome back to family life today. Thank you. We work together for almost a decade, but we go back.

When was the first time you are family like today 2001. Hadn't even published my first book, we saw Iran's content is material and we knew that family life. There's a need for this to be shared and so we said would you come and be a guest on family life to and Ron came and then he came again and then he came again. We said we can guide go for the traveling horse always is enjoying the team and for almost a decade now you been giving leadership to family life blended you got a podcast you do events you've got books and resources online material and you've just updated the smart stepfamily video series.

How many sessions in the series. There's eight sessions plus a bonus session for children and a bonus session for dating couples and a bonus session for pastors. It seems to me as we talked about this this week. A lot of the degree of difficulty and complexity in a blended family comes around parenting issues. Yeah, I'm wondering if a couple is getting married both of them have been previously married.

Neither of them have kids from a previous relationship or previous marriage. Are they going to have less complexity to have to juggle them a couple of spring and kids of the question, absolutely because there's something fundamental about having your own children and raising your children together.

The bond in this connectedness and authority that comes in parenting is built in.

When they're your kids my word with fierce fierceness that fierceness another at least carries for that child of wanting to protect them. That's probably a big factor coming into the second married and and yes you know is a mom that you have that fierceness when they're still in the womb, exactly, and so if you're stepmom coming in.

You have the desire for that but that fierce relationship is a two-way street. And so you have to navigate and negotiate and build and strengthen and that just takes time and so it's not built-in so we were just in a setting together where somebody ask you a question like that was a pretty good question because I've heard you say I've said the people in a blended relationship.

The marriage ought to be the priority relationship and this person said that it just feels wrong to say that because it sounds like you're saying your kids shouldn't be a priority and you kinda reframe that explain how you would say that differently if you're talking to a couple now well in Genesis we talk a lot around here about the Bible talk about leave and cleave leave father and mother and cleave to your wife, your spouse and that's really a shift in allegiance. It's not saying abandon your father and mother forget about your father dishonor your father and mother leave them to themselves to figure out old age, I got nothing to do, nothing to do with them and is not saying that what it's saying is note, you shift your primary allegiance to your spouse and become a new unit that establishes a new home in a new family. You maintain connection with relationship father and mother and care for, and as they age. We all know that's a part of honoring them so they are still family. Likewise, when a parent marry somebody you have this significant shift in allegiance. That's what marriage is. Is it easier say you are the primary relationship in my life and my allegiance. Ultimately, till death do us part is to you. I still have children. I'm responsible to them obligated and committed to them and I love them and I care for them and I went to pour myself out into them and their child-rearing years, but I'm married to you for life so it's never you gotta choose one over the other, which is what sometimes people here and that's what's unfortunate nobody saying that were say and continue to be a mom or dad and love your kids well and your new allegiance in life is to your spouse.

This is true whether it's a first marriage or second marriage because again that the marriage needs to be the primary allegiance and but I'm so glad you said that because that's the other way of thinking about this with a husband and wife that are raising their children.

If you went to them and you said hey look who's your number one relationship is it to your cadenza now and it's my husband might my wife. What does that mean you're neglecting your can know when I neglecting our children like nobody even questions it when it's a biological first family. Here's where it becomes confusing for all of us when you're 13-year-old has more emotional needs or challenges than your spouse does. All of a sudden you're investing more time or effort more energy into that because the need is obvious it's presenting itself you go, we gotta go where the trauma is.

Let's deal with this and that can quickly start to feel like this has now become the priority relationship right there seasons of any marriage first marriage or blended family marriage where you do need to pour a lot into a child or group of children based on their life or circumstances that are going on is sometimes, putting your marriage a little bit on hold like you're hanging on but you know you and that's good and right and appropriate at the end of the day though, you gotta maintain that marriage and you get a shift back to your allegiance and supporting and nurturing your marriage relationship so you don't give your marriage away to your kids so I can imagine this happens a lot when the one of the spouses dies and so then let's say wife dies and husband remarries a year to five years later in 13-year-old daughter still grieving lives in her her mom you want to be there and protect and walk through. But he can't be there for the next 20 years. And so there's a delicate balance here, what we would tell that dad who is a widower and he's taking care of his kids is you to continue to move toward your children and pour into them and grieve with them.

The loss of their mother and you get a start investing in your new marriage and by the way, I think there's an equation here, you move toward your biological children so you can move toward your spouse so that ultimately the your children and your new spouse can move toward one another is a triangle and the biological parent is the one doing an awful lot of work moving toward kids moving toward spouse moving toward kids moving toward spouse.

And yes, it can get taxing, but that's how you create a climate where new step people will begin to like each other. When you updated the smart stepfamily DVD series.

The video series you added something that had been missing.

We talked about this, this week you added the child's perspective and brought in some emotional intelligence and emotional understanding that maybe had been missing the first time around yeah I wanted people to hear from real-life couples and kids and so were able to work in some clips throughout the video series were you actually get to hear some real stories.

One of those stories that you feature. We hear a daughter and her stepdad address the challenges and we hear some of the emotions that she was feeling on some of the frustrations that the stepdad was me all my parenting style was more based on rules and structure. I came in know this is how it's going to be with a whole lot of expectations. My big thing was going the children to help with the parents.

Additionally, had the Latin name, much like she was trying to coming here and this is sort of like the patriarch God or something in. I didn't like having someone else tell me what to do. Sarah's graves were struggling. I started to ask Lori to speak into that situation. Some consequences and to make sure that she was following through Lori initially thought it was very harsh, very extreme because she was me and I would give permission without talking to him it was, it was difficult because I had felt like I single parent for seven years and I did everything I would negatively interpret what he was saying as him saying that I was a bad parent.

Instead, I was like okay like I sucked a coparent over here with my ex-husband and we need to be on the same page as far as if there's a okay you don't get your phone for two weeks or you don't get to go to house for Halloween this year because you are failing this class not doing your homework there been times where I've felt for suspected it, and they've left out to dry left in the lurch by Lori and us at that point that I need to just remember that she's forming is not against me and I need to understand that there's going to be some things that she wants to do that is for the benefit and blesses all of us. You can hear all three of those folks trying to figure out how to work it out there trying to figure out they're all a little frustrated with how things are going because it's counterintuitive to how they they would naturally move things and they want to believe the best about one another, but in the midst of it we can get sideways on the stuff he wants to be a good leader is trying to bring some good structure and some good ideas into the family. His stepdaughter says you're not my dad. Don't try to act like my dad and she's got a point right he's not the dad she's got a biological dad. She's trying to figure out what to put him in her heart and the biological mom is saying oh, are you saying I'm a bad parent and you know that she's feeling accused if you tell me something about my daughter. Your kind tell me something about me and then Lori, the mom is saying.

Oh, and I have a former husband. I have to consider and work coparenting so there's 1/3 parent in this equation and all of a sudden there's just a whole lot of things to navigate and negotiate were back to the complexity of the degree of difficulty they can get a tell in this camp they are not execute the routine and I got say some little behind-the-scenes about this family. Kirk, the stepdad is actually a seminary student at Dallas theological seminary, and he's my intern right now working at a distance and his goal when he gets out of seminaries to specifically do marriage ministry and blended family ministry while real and they are doing very very well dynamic couple. Lori is terrific and we met them and spent time with them and my point is even smart people challenges as it comes with navigating all of this terrain related to blended families is just a lot of things happening in the mix. I want to point out the daughter felt like he's trying to be my dad and I want you to be my dad. I think we'll talk about that for second because it's one of those delicate pieces were stepdad San Evan. I'm here to help. He's got a big heart. He's got great intentions.

He's been to the men's ministry this church and he knows what leadership look he's been listening to Dave preach about this forever and you know he's been through stepping up and Dennis Rainey taught him how to be a man to be a leader in here is trying to do that, a step that is going well. You ain't my dad in a back up and so how do you do this, I'm paying for everything, but she won't let me be the death it's delicate. This is where you respect where the child is and you figure out how to lead through your wife tell us how you can do that. It is an example of a good example would be Kirk coming to his wife and having dialogue about what what you think about this or that are this behavior or how we respond to that situation and the two of them do it. A lot of conversation behind closed doors about how they want to lead as a unit, then on agreement change might happen and were probably going to encourage in the beginning years of this blended family that mom be the one who implement those changes. Why because she has a clearly established relationship with her daughter and her daughter knows exactly who she is in her life. You're my mom and there's some weight of authority, there is all of a sudden Kirk and Lori are leading from unity and Lori is implementing the Kirk is bringing great wisdom to the family and is making his contribution.

His direct relationship with the stepdaughter will be a function of time and relationship, and it could take you another period of time before he feels comfortable enough saying directly to her.

Let's do it this way, or no, you can't do that, but he's earned his stripes at that point. So it's almost like cast McDowell's quote that we've all heard rules without relationship equally rebellion. So in this case, he's not the rural guy at the beginning of the race. It relationships it's all about building the relationship, but he still talking to his wife about what could this look like he's still the leader. He's just leading indirectly instead of directly. That's a wisdom that I think stepdad is really neat and you show in this series you you let us see the when couples went when they stay after this and are committed to this there can be a good outcome. In fact we get here from the same family heart to some other good outcome wasn't how part two goes this past week and we were at a wedding, and she actually pulled me aside and said thank you so much for loving my mom doing the world to me because it was six or seven years constantly feeling frustrated.

Finally getting through to say it is making a difference. It's not easy parenting in any relationship, but it's one that really there is a lot of time on the kids you know when you get a little reward like that you really need to hold onto it and Kirk obviously did let me just point out that his stepdaughter didn't necessarily say a direct comment to him.

Thank you for being my said thank you for loving.

Thank you for stepping into my world and life.

What she said was thank you for loving my mom now let me not be the ultimate compliment the Kerch looking for but it's a pretty good one because it what it represents is I see the contribution you're making in my mom's life. It's helping her life and that's helping my life. Sometimes stepchildren have a hard time saying thank you directly but they can say it indirectly take that and run with it. That's like a 9.8 on that vault landing and you want to attend, but that's as good as it is pretty good. That's right, you and this series with a pretty emotional moment to need to set this up for us before we are this close, you know, as we've Artie said this week you need to know that there's rewards coming and we talked about the passage of time and you never really predict how fast anyone blended families going to come together, but typically it takes 5 to 7 years and sometimes a little longer, sometimes a little less, but recognizing that you're on a journey and you get a trust the process to work in your behalf.

And if you give up on the process, then you don't get the rewards that you been looking for.

You need that perspective, this next clip you're going to hear from stepdad, mom and stepdaughter talking about in the words of the child. We were a mess and they stuck with it and it ends pretty good. Kevin and I year after we met, got married and soft was about a child's relationship and she's just turning 12 and that brought with it its own set of challenges. Mom and Kevin first got together.

I really didn't know how to fail.

It was new for me Sal Halas were stepdad.

There was a lot of pushback when the same table.

She would take her food upstairs were very similar thing going through that phase of it that was always the dark house for me.

There were just lots of very tense moments where it just did not seem like it was working lots of times with him in the garage kind of working out his frustrations, not times of her telling him my daddy made me In between. In Trying to Get Both of Them to, Come Together so That Was It a Time When I Was Having Some Extreme Health Issues and I Noticed That A Lot Of People That I Call My Core Friends Were Not You Know There for Me When I Come through to the Point Where I Was Last Night and Didn't Have Anybody That My Mom and Kevin and I Went There for Me. They Got Everything, Regardless of Our Background History like Got It Dropped the Brakes over My Waco Regardless of How She Used To Go so Love so That You Care so She Will Be Here Regardless She's Alive. Oh, They Are Always Easier for Me and I Can Kind of See the Change in Her for Three or Four Years.

I'm Starting to Think Well I Think the Family Arguing It Right. If I'm Loving This and so I Feel like Something Was Missing without Talking to God and Praying about It. Actually, My Wednesday and I Was like Mom and I Yeah I'm Going to Let Me Nothing about It Though We Were Going over to a Video Blended Family and Little Did I Know That I Would Be Asked to about Course, I Would Say Yes. It Hardly Poses Overjoyed Taught Me How He Deals with Labor Broken All Different Shapes in Pieces the Liquid Back and Do with Anything Because Our Family Was but Look What He's Gone and Look What He's Doing with That He Can Make Something Out Of Anything to Close to Two Years for This Thing the Come Full Circle Was Truly God Working in Her Life Were All Together Was a Long Road of Long Journey. What I Love about This Guy's Stepparents and This Guy Said You Know What, No Matter What She Does. I'm a Lover, and He Felt the Tug of the Holy Spirit on Them Just Stay Dedicated to Doing What You Can Do I Can Imagine the Many, Many Nights He Imagined Not Right in the Same Car Because Her Stepdaughter Won't Ride with You. Like That's Awkward That Is Painful. That's Rejection That's Rejection and Night after Night after Night and You Can Just Imagine Going Okay.

I'm Supposed to Still Love You. Are You Kidding God like Where's the Payoff for This. And Then One Day She Says Would You Adopt May Not Want to Be Quick to Say Adoption Is Not the Ultimate Indole Game of Blended Family Life, but in This Case, It Represented the Culmination of All of That Work and They Reach the Promised Land. And You Talk about Perseverance, 18, 19 Years. He Said in a Culture Generation That We Want Immediate Gratification.

He Waited 18 to 19 Years Anyway so Patient Diversely Came to My Mind Was Proverbs 3, Five and Six Trust in the Lord with All Your Heart and Do Not Lean on Your Own Understanding, Which Is so Easy for All of Us to Do in All Your Ways Acknowledge Him and He Will Make Straight Your past and That Took a Straight Past Nice Run for Make Me Cry Just a Beautiful Story Just Doing My Job. The Verse Again the Line for Me Was Romans 58 Which Says While We Were Still Sinners and Centers, Christ Died for Us and I'm Just Thinking This Stepdad Modeled the Love of the Father.

The Persevering Love of the Father in the Face of Rejection in the Face of Sin and Just Said, I'm Still Gonna Love You While You're Still in Rebellion against Me While You're Still in Isolation about What You Don't Want Anything to Do with Me Gospel That Is the Gospel on Display in a Blended Family and Ultimately That's What You're Praying for You in the First Marriage and a Second Marriage. Whatever It Is Were Praying That Redemption, Reconciliation, Forgiveness, Healing, Hope All of That Comes to Bear and God Gets Glorified in the Process and the Church Has a Role in This.

If This Guy Had Had. I Don't Know This Part of the Story, but If He'd Had a Group of People around. Maybe Some Other Blended Family Couples Is to Meet with on a Regular Basis. Our Pastor Is to Meet with You, Says, and I Get It Man Here and Yeah but Hang in There.

I'm with You Were Praying for You. Here's a Tip Is a Tool Here's a Resource or Something to Encourage You along This Journey Keeps Him Going.

You Gotta Believe Year Three or Four When He Still Being Rejected Somebody's Whispered in His Ear Somebody's Come on, Hang in There Because to Going on on Your Right You Get Discouraged, Pretty Quick, and You Put Together This Video Series, Hoping That You Would Help Not Just to Transmit Information but to Build Communities Structure Support Structures, Little Microcosms Will Support Groups so That Couples Can Be Doing This for One Another, All the Way through, and Church Leaders Are Going to Learn A Lot from the Series. They're Going to Get That Tipper That Tool or That One Sentence That They Have in Their Back Pocket to Share with Somebody at the End of the Service Who Really Need Some Encouragement. I Think It's the Way to Go, Letting the Church Be the Church to One Another around Some Good Information That's Going to Help Encourage Them on Their Journey.

Always Great to Have You on Family Life to End and We Love Most of the Podcast to Thank You I Love Doing the Podcast Were Hearing Good Things from Listeners. It's A Lot Of Fun and Were Able to Talk about Real Life Things on That Podcast. So Thanks Ron You Can Find out More about the Family Life Blended Podcast When You Go to Family Life to a.com.

Also, Information about the Smart Stepfamily DVD Series That Has Been Redone. Recently We've Been Talking about That Today. Information on How You Can Get Copies of Those Videos or Access the Videos Family Life to.com for Information about That and Then We Should Also Tell People about the Event You Have Planned for October 1 and Second for the Last.

I Think Almost a Decade Now We Been Doing a Summit on Stepfamily Ministries in the Fall and It's a Two Day Event People Have Been Coming from All around the World to Be Trained and Equipped on How to Do Stepfamily Ministry More Effectively.

This Year, October 1 and Second the Summit on Stepfamily Ministries Is Gonna Be Happening in Your Home Community to Actually Go Be Happening in Your Living Room Because Were Doing It As a a Live Streamed Event.

We've All Figured out Here in the Last Several Months How to Connect with People More Effectively Online and We Believe This Is Gonna Be the Largest Event Ever Held to Train People and How to Do Effective Stepfamily Ministry. It Happens October 1 and Second People Are Already Signing up to Be Part of This Event Information Is Available online@familylifeto.com go to our website and make plans to carve out a couple days with other people on your church staff or people in your community in your life in your world who are involved in ministering to couples or families and blended families and stepfamilies go to family life to a.com and plan to be part of the summit on stepfamily Ministry, happening October 1 and second the info you need is all available right there for any questions about the Summit or any of the resources we talked about here today. Call us at 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today, not tomorrow. Working to talk about what can be one of the hardest most painful circumstances that married couples have to deal with the Mets the issue of infertility Matthew R bows could join us to talk about how we how we hang on to our faith.

How we walk with Jesus during those difficult times. You can tune in for that. I don't think her engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson team will see you back next time for another edition of family life, family life, to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. A crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow