Consistency Is Key

Having rules and boundaries in your home and then not enforcing those rules or boundaries that can be a big problem. Sam Crabtree explains what happens when parents don't enforce the rules.

You teach the children to disregard what you're saying if you say to get your pajamas on and then they do everything except get their pajamas on and there's no response from you. They just conclude, and rightly so. The when you mouth the words get your pajamas on.

You don't really mean that apparently and issues can escalate as they get older. So it's not just get your pajamas on. Keep your pants zipped on your date. This is family life today hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson about the pain.

There is a positive loving way for you to keep boundaries in place and to enforce rules even if your kids don't like it at first will talk with Sam Crabtree about that today.

Stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us.

Did the your kids. They see you as a mean mom, were you a mean mom I think they thought I was really fun and adventurous mom making crazy things she was fun really really folksy still is yes and she is in a market that I also made them toe the line was exhausting. The three little boys.

I was exhausted because you sometimes it felt like that's all you do yeah and and then I think I think I had a combination he was a good balance.

She was one of Anne's real values in life is make a memory and so I'm telling you she made memories. Unbelievable memories. What was Dave a mean dad now know it was and he was fund as he was find that the kids in the neighborhood would want to come to our house to play with Dave. They come to the front door and I get to go commit to whizzing glad that I can unbutton play capture the flag and little wiffleball on Friday. I wanted to be. We want our home to be the home in the neighborhood where the kids wanted to be because there was a lot of joy, the joy of Jesus radiated.

We wanted that to happen after was important to ask what about you Bob, only to find that CII was a camp counselor when I was in high school and then college and I thought that's what parenting was was just being an extended counselor. Honestly I that was my my paradigm was just if you can have fun with the kids and have them all you corral them all in and get him to go along and they lets all go do this so I was I was much more like that and Marion would come along and say no.

They need to be mold a little bit more they need. It's not just let's all go have a party today, but there's were actually raising real human beings as a dad. Did you do table transfer table prayers that we might lease that we have a song we did. I'll let you saying prayers :-) this is Sam Crabtree is joining us again on family oxidase and welcome back. If you had to be here to examine the exam as an author.

She has written a book called parenting with loving correction that were talking about. Sam is on the pastoral team at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis, so still today when our kids come home for holiday or something and it comes time to pray all go okay for health and strength in daily food we praise thy name. Oh Lord men and they'll join in and sing along the family and the grandkids a look at their parents like what is this all about, but yet we would sing that little. I think I'm looking at you that way right now. If I were a really good sign that and yeah Lord's been good to and so I thank the Lord for giving me the things I'd be the sun and the rain that the Appleseed the Lord is good. Maybe man waits for anything. Sometime in the camp. We think that again sometimes is that all amendments at the end of the prayer. The reason were talking about all of this is why does this happen here to tell you I've never heard either one of those songs really do have you, honey.

I know you can download the file and you can memorize them and I share them with others. I can write what we were talking this week about correction and about discipline and part of the reason were talking about. This is because I think there's an observation that there are parents who are a little intimidated by the idea of correcting their kids.

They don't want to be abusers in any way they want to nurture their kids and want them to thrive and their concerns that correction is going to work against that nurturing and thriving that kids are somehow going to grow up angry and frustrated and even violent if their parents try to correct them and so moms and dads just back off and let things go that some of us in the older generation look at go you can't let that go.

You know I'm talking will said we should be interviewing you and I do like I did write the book, but here's my question on that angle, Sam could you're the expert. I you know as a young dad with my first child I had this idea that if you set a boundary or rule, and then you enforce it. The child feels unloved and yet I discovered the opposite is true. And you talk about this in your book is know when you set the boundary enforce it. It actually makes him feel love and a lot of parents are afraid to do that because I think I want my son or daughter to feel so loved and if I really enforce this this rule this boundary that I can feel that talk about that because they do it up boundaries help. I taught sixth grade for seven years. We had a large playground adjacent to the school and everyone small a stray kickball or something would go out into the street tent and it was a significant hazard so the school district then wisely put up a chain-link fence along the border of the property. There between the playground in the street and whereas the children used to play some distance from that street but a stray ball would get away from them. Now they would lean up against that fence and have their little gossip sections for sessions or whatever they would do their because the boundary was there wasn't going to move and they didn't have to fear the traffic so I think the boundaries you provide safety there a couple years ago I did talk to some high school kids and 14-year-old girl came up to me and she said I feel like my mom. She her mom was raising her like she doesn't love me, what makes you think that she sent all my friends had boundaries. Rules incur fees anything and she said my mom has no rules, no curfew. I can be out whenever I had never had a rule in my life. My mom's nice to me but I feel like to she love me and was so fascinated by that because she felt so insecure by the lack of rules in her home.

My point here isn't to get parents to establish a bunch of rules. If they don't have them or to tell parents which rules they should have. Like if you have a curfew. Should it be at this o'clock or that a clock or whatever it should be, but my main interest is once you set a rule, then enforce that rule for multiple reasons. One is that if you set rules that you don't enforce the children can think you really don't care about those rules. They must not matter to you. Another is that you teach the children to disregard what you're saying and to take it one step further. They even learn that your words don't mean anything you say get your pajamas on and then they do everything except get their pajamas on and there's no response from you. They just conclude, and rightly so that when you mouth the words get your pajamas on. You don't really mean that. Apparently the issues can escalate as they get older. But if they've learned when they're small that well you know your rules are just their wishes you. You hope I'll comply. But you don't really expect me to comply, there will be a consequence if I don't then then they throw your words right out and enforcing that boundary for that fence is so whatever one time in and I were doing of parenting series at our church and I was trying to make the point that Sam you do such a good job in your bookmaking point that yes it set the fence. I called a fence or boundary, and then here's the other thing you should expect your children to push on the fence they're going to do it.

We are sinners raising sinner links you know itself set parents often are surprise our day like I set the fence and the other they're pushing again so I got one of the better. This time I don't have a rule what you do in that situation we parents. It's good for us to know that parenting will take us to the limits of our endurance.

While of our energy, and children in general and specific children given to us in sequence will continue to test the limits of our endurance. There are gifts from God, really, to test our endurance from infancy on our children will test what we really mean and if we don't meet the test. Then they won't either. Bill will be the climb the walls because we haven't said don't climb the walls want their times though when your kids would be injured leg down something and like you had a standard family rule like lights out at 11 o'clock and there's one night and you're walking out of that's 1115 you see a light on the kids room and you go knock on what's going on with your lights out at 11 and they go yeah I was this and this and this.

Did you immediately bring correctional consequence, or whether some nights which went okay. Just turn off the lights and will be done with and I think it's important to listen first find out what were their extenuating circumstances, you have more flexibility in doing that. If it's a lights out in the bedroom kind of thing rather than don't go through red lights right but yeah I don't need to rush to judgment, but neither should we abandon consistency. Now when we were working on the art of parenting video series. I asked Pastor Kevin Dion I said so when when do you correct and when you give grace and peace about the false dichotomy.

He said when you're correcting your giving grace and I had not thought about that because we think giving grace means let them off the hook, but it is a grace response to actually correct God is being gracious to us when he corrects our wrong behaviors and yet you mean you posed it well. At the outset when when you talked about those who correct me feel like their children think it's a loving, it is love, yes, to do the correcting. So I just think in the Christian church we've not done well with the fallacy of the excluded middle.

The false dichotomy there.

There are lots of issues were think it's either this or that and there are there are nuances where we can work out a creative solution – so same with with disciplining children. It doesn't mean either 100% compliance or were to drop the atomic bomb on your in your bedroom, but I think you all of our kids are some different working to correct in a different way with different children in their response. Know your children exactly and I think that's important and also I just want to say this culture with a comparison with social media. I think most listeners probably as moms or dads can feel overwhelmed and feel like I am a bad parent and I think they they judge themselves and their hard on himself. Part of that is they don't have answers, but also because there's so much comparison going around that we we don't think were great at it. I think also parenting is different in the young years.

Dave and I only said let's let's really set some boundaries with our kids. From the time they're born to five and if we go hard. Then it'll get easier and I think that's that was really true, and our case and then parenting look different as our kids got older, have you seen that Sam, how do we correct when our kids are little and and what's that look like does it change as they get older. Yeah it will change as the children get older when they're very very small even newborns. I wouldn't discipline a newborn. I don't I'd be highly leery of correcting out a little oneflicking your finger at their hander, so I don't think the could respond in an appropriate way. Then the children at six months or so they can start arch their back, in defiance like I don't want you putting me on the table to change whatever what it whatever the issue is. And then I think we start to correct. I will say that there are some physical forms of correcting that can be used with younger children that go away as the children get older, partly because the maturity partly because they reached new cognitive levels where you can reason with children as their older and partly they work with small children as your bigger than they are and I think that's a God-given thing for a season that that and then I let them talking about spanking per se here, though, I'd love to talk about that at some point that that you can just pick them up and set them there told you to get in your chair.

That'll get in the chair.

You can pick them up and put them in the chair meant to simplify correction. It's no not this yes this and yes, now. And thank you after they've done it to to show that you're not just you know of a bill paid early goats gruff and near just toughened all the time but some when they cooperate you prescient break that on no means, this behavior is not acceptable. Not this what you're doing your explaining the specific behavior you're talking about. Yes, this is saying this is what you should be doing so you're not just correcting but you're saying this is what's right.

This is the right way to act and and yes, now means this is not something you do next time were expecting it right now and then the thank you is gratitude for the right response) and in the gratitude is an important part. I don't think it's just a caboose and that's us has become superfluous. Our railroads and trains these days and lustration could be that one of our daughters. One time she was, perhaps I do know eight or 10 years old and she was talking to her mother in a particular tone that I found unacceptable and so I just interrupted their conversation and I said I don't know if you're intending to be sassy to your mother right now, but the tone of voice to using seems to me like it could be and I just want you to know that if you continue in that tone I will count it as sassy and you will be corrected.

You'll be punished yes for it now.

Can you talk to your mother in a different tone than she did.

Thank you.

Well done. Dear daughter, so let's do this. Let's help mom and a dad who have been listening to us this week. In their thinking. Okay if I do a little self-evaluation we probably let our kids get away with too much were probably not correcting as as consistently or maybe even as regularly as we ought may be were fearful or overtired or whatever it is, but this is an area where we need to do better.

So if you sit down with somebody who says I'm ready to make some course correction some adjustments. What would be your best tips to that person on how to get started, especially if it's not been the way you been parenting over the last couple years with you. Joe you will bless their hearts, and I have had errands of teenager say we think we've squandered a decade plus with our children and you know who is it too late. First, I just want to commend them.

Second, is it too late. There could be some tracks that have been laid down.

That will be pretty stubborn to relay those tracks in those lives or straighten those arrows that have been been a certain way.

But it's never too late. I think it's always the right time to start. Meaning what you say and saying what you mean in terms of household regulations, rules, policies, guidelines, practices, whatever year stewardship as parents is to God under God, you're raising these children, you're accountable to God for how you're raising your children and so under God with respect and communion with him and in relating to God.

You want to run the household the way you think you should run the household. So if you're going to have to change some rules are household standard or something. It's okay to say to the children where coming to a place where we think we have not been doing right and were sorry we apologize. We are discovering we should have probably been doing something different and we are asking for your forgiveness and for your patience and for your prayer because were to make some changes in here they are.

Here the changes were them actually laid out. This is, in all fairness, full disclosure family meeting or whatever and so were to change these things and then you'll have to go to work. Maintaining those changes to demonstrate that you mean what you're saying but it it's always the right time to act on what you've come to discover what you will you come to know and believe is the right thing to do.

Then start implementing it and and at that point, you've explained what the new normal's going to be and then it's important that you start living that out with some level consistency right major emphasis on because is this a sleeping Hy vee. I've even thought to tell me what you think Sam of Ephesians 64 where Paul writes fathers don't exasperate your children, but raise them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. I've often thought ways that we exasperate our children as we don't lovingly correct. We state things we don't follow through whom the Lord loves disciplines right now again so were that parent that's making grand statements or laying down boundaries, yet not enforcing them, and it's actually exasperate to a child to true. I think that in many other things on the think our children are born with the hypocrisy antenna and while I I think. I mean, one of the things that is to exasperate me about my dad.

There were seven of us children and so nine at the dinner table and he would say you know with the catch of thoughts when you get to catch up and so forth and I don't remember seeing my dad get to catch up so it seemed like that. So what you tell the kids to do rule.

And that's not something that all human beings do. And from that I I took away from being raised that way. I think I want to be different terms of raising my children so that there are times when all volunteers and see that there's no butter on the table. Let me get that for everyone saying displaying a servants attitude kind of expecting them like you're doing yourself to not exasperate I have that's your your question. Inconsistency exacts exasperates double standards exasperate failed promises exasperate.

I mean if you make promises, do everything in your power to keep them or repent.

That was a bad promise to make. I should know made that promise. Please forgive me of making that promise. I can fulfill that promise. You mentioned the you'd like to talk about corporal punishment a little bit. The challenges were what we do have time today to do that so he's all right to do when you have an extended conversation about that subject.

It'll be available online.

So the listener wants to hear our conversation about corporal punishment, you can go to family life today.com and listen to that. We've also got a section from the art of parenting video series on corporal punishment that I think would be helpful if you can watch that as well and I would just say wherever you are on that subject.

Whether your year including spanking is a part of what you're doing is apparent or you're not.

This would be worth listening to. And when worth watching the video, just so you can kind of rethink the subject and and decide what you think is right for you all.

That's a family life today.com. In addition, we got information about your book there as well and Sam, thank you for being here, and for helping us and forgetting practical with us on these issues and let's hope their moms and dads who been listing who would say I think we can we can make some adjustments here and will be better for our kids.

If we do should you be in here. It's a privilege and I appreciate your book as well. I hope our listeners will get a copy of the book fact were making available this week to those of you can help with a donation to the ministry of family life today what you can do online and family life today.com or you can call one 800 FL today to get a copy of Sam's book. We got the present family life David Robbins with us and David as we been talking with Sam this week I had to think this whole topic of loving correction.

This has to hit home for where you and Meg are right now as you're raising your kids. We have a almost teenager all the way down to a three-year-old in a way that makes it home even more is that I was just this past weekend with a group of guys that have journeyed a lot of life with.

This was ask our 20th anniversary of getting together a while and we were sharing like we always do highlights and struggles of this past year being really honest and all of us mentioned the climbing boiling point frustration that they were experiencing his parents with kids and we have great kids.

We love our kids but it did the loving correction work. You know you get to that point we are going the things he used to work don't work and we gotta change patterns and use different tactics led to a discussion about how most of us as parents get lulled into using primarily to tools in our parenting toolbox when it comes to forming our kids rewards and discipline, and their great tools but both of them are reactive.

They're not proactive and there is one enormously helpful tool missing and Bobby mentioned it in the first episode of the foundational groundwork of training. It's loving to ensure that in every season of our kids.

We are adapting to keep teaching and giving context for our reactions that there is a proactive thing happening. I'm so grateful for today. Just send me home with a renewed fervor to not just parent reactively. But to be intentional and proactive well and hopefully you're not alone. Hopefully a lot of moms and dads have that renewed sense in them.

In fact, as I mentioned were making Sam's book available to family life today listeners this week. You can help with the donation of any amount we'd love to send you a copy of the book parenting with loving correction as a thank you gift for your support of the work of family life today. Our mission here is to effectively develop godly marriages and families. We believe godly marriages and families can change the world one home at a time. So if you can help with the donation. Be sure to request a copy of the book parenting with loving correction. You can donate online@familylifetoday.com or call one 800 FL today and thanks in advance for your support of the ministry and with that, we gotta wrap things up for this week. Thanks for joining us will be of great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together with your local church one way or another this weekend and I hope you can join us back on Monday when working to talk about strategies for how to connect with your grandkids. Mary Lou Moya is going join us to talk about some great grand parenting strategies. Hope you can tune in for that I want to thank our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson and Bob Lapine will see you back Monday for another edition of family life today. Family life today is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas.

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