Childhood Is Only for a Season

As were raising her sons today to eventually become adults. Are we helping them think rightly now about what may one day be true about them that they will be married the husband's and be dads Vicki. Courtney says that's something she's concerned about in our day were seeing now for the first time.

The average age of marriage, I believe, is almost at 30 for men and 28 for when and for the first time ever getting married and having children has fallen out of the top three. I think it fell in at number four, but this generation is showing less and less of an interest.

This is not just our sons or daughters in marriage and having children. This is family life today.

Our hosts are Dave and Wilson on Bob Lapine.

You can find us online@familylifetoday.com it's the conversations were having today with our sons that will help determine how they think about the future about possibly being married and being husbands and dads, so those conversations are pretty important. Will talk today about how to help those with your boys.

Stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us.

I'm just glad that it's time for equal time here we go. Don't you agree.

I really hope you guys have something good to see all that you wanted to just share your man. You guys talk about stampeding because there's nobody better than delicate or tried to see that profit a little earlier hands and we've got our friend Vicki Courtney back with us again this week on family life today. Vicki welcome back Vicki is an author and the speaker lives in Austin Texas with her husband and her three grown kids and their spouses and her six grandkids and she spent some time earlier this year revising and updating a couple books that she wrote about a decade ago that you first wrote these books are yes and and with a whole new generation and a lot of new cultural issues. Vicki has written a book for parents of daughters called five conversations you must have with your daughter and a book for parents of sons called five conversations you must have with your son and Dave today is your day to steer all the driver I'll jump in on the passenger seat here, but is never ever said I could love thou ago she hates it when I drive rags were to talk today about having conversation with our sons and Vicki it's the same conversations were the same themes that we need to be talking about with our kids. But when it comes to boys and girls. We have very different kinds of conversations knowing that's correct yeah and and the themes you addressed in the book are not letting the culture. Define who you are guarding your heart being aware of an intentional about how you think about sex because teenagers are thinking about that childhood is only for a season. I will get into that with you and then and you are who you have been becoming. Those are really the five major themes and let let me just jump ahead at the beginning. Childhood is only for a season explained to me what it is that we need to be talking to boys about when we talk about are we telling them enjoy your childhood that live in your choke it what what subtheme of that conversation sure well I really I talk about this whole idea of launching our sons into manhood and how it needs to be an intentional effort and a lot of times I think it's more the self-paced program and what we find. As we learn the hard way that they come back home after you thought you launch them because maybe we haven't taken the time we needed to help them and areas that help them grow up and become an official adult so I have a chapter in that under that conversation topic three chapter supporting chapters that one of them is real Manor Peter Pan igniter member Peter Pan.

He just didn't want to grow and that describes this current generation that they are hesitant to want to grow up that yet. I know you hear that term smells like generation. I want to pick on the generation so much as on a take on the parents of the kids because it makes families making these kids into snowflakes and sell in this in this chapter I talk a lot about our tendency to want to rescue our science and our daughters to for that matter.

I will give it equal time there but you know it's especially important that we don't jump in and try to fix everything for them a lot when I think about what's described as failure to launch you heard that phrase is a drug.

That's when I think about that I think of the movie. It was it was a guy I home I tend to think young women are much more ready to tackle life at age 22, than most guys are today will studies actually have shown that and that's one concern is that they're seeing that the girls are growing up in there. There girls have now officially bypassed guys in college enrollment and so were were seeing evidence on this, but even take for example, summer jobs, 1980. 70% of teens had a summer job as compared to 43% in 2010. I don't have a current statistic on that. That's a simple 30 years later in three decades, and yourself.

Some of that's because the parents I think you know what. One reason behind that parents gave was that there are more stringent college requirements and their teams are unable to work, you know data may be a heavy load of homework and then of course all the extracurricular activities that the author of this particular study found that wasn't the case and watching analyze the data as she discovered that high school seniors heading to college in 2015 actually spent four fewer hours a week on homework. Paid work, volunteer work, and extracurricular activities, then those in 1987.

So that hasn't really held true and so you got that whole aspect of a lot of these boys are heading out to college and girls for that matter what. Having not really held a summer job or a job for you. Even some of them also make it all the way through college. In the first job is money are heading, you know, heading into a job interview looking for a job there was a conversation maybe a decade ago where a lot of people were saying adolescence is a manufactured concept and Joseph was probably 16 years old and Mary was probably 15 years old when they were pregnant. Starting the family right on, Joseph and Mary in the Bible, and an I don't want to throw out the reality of the teen years and and our current culture, but I do think that we sometimes have this this perpetual state of adolescence that our kids kinda find the find a very comfortable and they just stay adolescence with a good college and then they get out of college and they're not married yet, so it's like before you get married, you're still adolescent as parents when I hear you saying is we got we have the conversation with our kids. You. You gotta grow up you're an adult I don't think parents want their kids to hurt know we down and is hard not to be this matter on what you are not his mother or one of you in some ways, but as he was also the one leg taken her boys over the high school and run in the bleachers and yelling at them you every was great in some artworks but we did have this value type others Vicki because I think we're gone.

Yeah, we only had sons so we don't know the daughter side, but we did have this value. We wanted to help them become hard workers solely on the mandated Gartner, and here's the jobs our kids had in high school cement work roofing it out which of some of our friends said you cannot let your sons get up on a roof every day, yet at 15, 16, 17 years old age were like now, this is preparation. My wife said hi. You know like they can fall off the roof but I love what you're saying here said no.

We have to launch them and this is part of a right right and it actually makes them feel better about themselves and we were similar sorts of parents, and in that respect my will say my husband in a much better job. I had a tendency to want to have her and protect.

And I admit to this. I will take. I admit that I am a recovering helicopter mom, helicopter grandmother, but it's okay when you're grim you don't hurt them when they're in your care, that's for sure that you know with our sons. My husband was very intentionally came to yardwork in chores and getting a job.

And of course our daughter had chores and things like that too, but he wanted to instill that value in her boys and make sure that they knew that what you know that there was a launch plan and I talk about in this particular conversation I get to a chapter with the very and I think in that third of the three supporting chapters I talk about you know what does a launch plan look like for boys and how you have your work for NASA and you launch a rocky that a prelaunch you got a test launch is not the final launch in the now what were saying is that in some cases the boys come back home and you have to do a relaunch resonates. You know that's the trait that that Bobby mentioned that word adolescence in one of things I ran into in my research is that they're showing they dubbed it, is what were seeing today's extended adult lessons and I thought wow, how interesting is that that this generation of young adults, especially that the guys are comfortable remaining adolescents and that may look like you know I'm thinking of friends who sons didn't back home. One whose you now in his 30s. He may even be 40 by now and playing video games and you know that somehow it's the Peter Pan syndrome and let me just add here because you talked about having a work ethic for your kids that the way we do with our kids was we gave them enough allowance that they could survive. Now if they wanted anything beyond survival but to figure out how to do that on their own so we we let their own desire for a nice pair of tennis shoes drive whether they want to get a part-time job or not, and they all did, because they all wanted that stuff but I think there are some kids work ethic is a part of, but I'm watching people who gotta work ethic and got a good job but in their early 20s, unmarried, what they're doing with their leisure time is is reverting back to it's all about me and my pleasure and whatever it is, so there there are drink and order our party under there just go to work. I make a good living and that I will spend the night and no purpose what yeah so it's gotta be more than just get a job and support yourself. It's gotta be your life matters for more than just can use.

I will write you and on that note, this current generation is showing less and less of an interest. This is not just our sons or daughters in marriage and having children, and so there is a survey confirm the name edited that measures life goals and they ask you know each generation and for the first time ever getting married and having children has fallen out of the top three. I think it fell in at number four and there is a obvious lot of downside to getting married too young. There statistics that show you know teenagers especially, it can lead to divorce and other things that were seeing now for the first time. The average age of marriage, I believe, is almost at 34 men and 28 for women and so that has a whole different set of consequences that come and I'll just say I don't think it's a question.

The two young I think it's a question of too stupid. I mean II found nothing but but the statistics are there are our kids got married all of her kids were married before they were 25 years old, 2010.

I hope you and our kids are doing fine in their marriages and are okay because they they were smart and thoughtful about it.

Not because somebody got pregnant or because that's just what you do after high school day. They were purposeful and intentional. So what I think that at one level I'm an advocate for early marriage as long as it smart marriage conversations with family were intentional about marriage because we knew that once they left and asked if we hadn't talked about this and why wouldn't they just go with the flow of the classroom, which is basically why would I get married most if you meet someone you live with them. Nine so I talk about you know the trend to shack up then just that.

Of course they delayed Mary Gina went the fallout that we see with that, especially with our young women.

They pay a price for seeing women now here struggling with infertility. They bought the that cultures lies that they can have it all and sell course and sex plays into that as well because when you've got you turned sex into something that is recreational rather than something that God created to be a beautiful thing between husband and wife, then it's not a valuable commodity that you go all will have incentive to want to go get married you nine, so are our boys are saying that as well that it's they have all the perks in this deal and I bring that up in the book that we it's our job to show John. These are really parks that culture may tell you I will why would you go do this when you know you can sleep around. You can live with someone you can you now and so it's up to us to show them before you leave the nest because why would they come back at 24. If you're on I get subs on the five-year plan.

Some of us were yelling and I can't attend that conversation. Now that you know once a year, you better take advantage of it while you can, but it's part of just the launch plan that you're discussing to be intentional with that to because we have a lot of single parents that are raising their kids have gone to release painful relationships, divorce. I think kids of watch that dance. I don't want to do that and maybe some of their parents are thinking about that because one of the things it was heartbreaking to me that I that I read was that the biggest influence to our children in their regard their view of marriage is obviously what they saw. However, what their finding is not many parents have much good to say about marriage and so with the kids are reflecting back in this particular survey are showing is that why not hearing my parents really steam marriage. They complain about it or they their marriage didn't make it, and they say things don't ever get married you nine say you know there picking those those messages and they don't want to have that instability that they saw, so you know I and I actually share in the book will how do you engage in that conversation if you're in this category of, you know may be by no fault of your own in the since you didn't want your marriage to and that you find yourself in that category and you you want to have this conversation with your children that you tell them you know you still esteem it that it's unfortunate that it did not model what God you know intended and that we were able to make it work.

However you know God can help prepare that what you've seen in and say you know it's again it's not being afraid to have these conversations and to talk about some difficult things by even being vulnerable ourselves and in thinking back I wish I had known these things myself. I wish my parents had had conversations with me about marriage in this conversation that the childhood is only for season is really a conversation that says irresponsibility is only for a season that not not taking responsibility for your life and your circumstances and what's going on to Dave or to reject passivity and to accept responsibility step in the manner that is stepping into manhood and a lot of what we see with prolonged adolescence adult lessons that you're talking about is young men who failed to take responsibility for every aspect of their lives and just revert to passivity and say why. What I worry about that some other time. Yet I also think Vicki is and as I was listening to as a mom, I was reflecting back on how my mom's would say almost the opposite. What you said, you should have a plan to launch them. I've seen so many moms want to hold onto their son even when I'm sometimes a pastor at the wedding. I want to walk over the parents and say let him leave and I'm sanded a couple yearly repairs, but some time and a lot of times a bit just to be honest, it's not always the dad it's the mom was getting her sense of security from having her son still needing her and she will then go and you're sitting over here said no they need to launch them yes and that harder. It sounds like it was hard for me but I'll be honest in saying yeah this is something that I had a ministry I traveled I spoke about books so I had a job outside of the home.

In that sense and yet still I found myself struggling to find my identity when I launched my last one - out of the nest and thinking who I am I now and said that's real for it. For every mother it's going to be a struggle to let go and for some reason it seems harder at times that let go of your sons and maybe that's because we know our daughters will always you by and large remain somewhat close by.

Not a silly proximity wise that you have more access. Generally speaking to a daughter. I talked to my daughter daily. She lives 3 miles from my home. I see her almost every other day, sometimes daily with our boys. You know, when you launch and they're going to hopefully go off maybe get married if that's in God's will and you will be replaced as their number one gal you will be replaced and so we know that, but it still can be hard to let go inside and have a chapter hold on loosely because I think a lot of moms deal with at that and you said something earlier and it struck a chord with me because I know I've been guilty of this that we don't want our kids to suffer to hurt her to. We don't want like to be hard for them and so you know I think one of the ways we react to that is, we think that good mothers will make life as easy as possible for their children, and yet were seeing that has such high here dire consequences for boys especially, you know, even in talking about your sons jobs when you're talking about you and your friends. We would let him on the right one myth that is out there is that it's the world is such a dangerous place and then I stumbled upon a pole and I share this and in the book that 70% of adults polled said they thought the world had become less safe for children since they had been children since they were children themselves. When in truth, the evidence suggests that it's much safer for children now have seatbelt has no reason that bike helmets help metals, death, playgrounds and climate after the monkey bars. The metal sliding burned 2nd° burns that we live in Texas. She did at least fell down into the pavement right you know that asphalt down below any yes we can go on and on course.

We walked a mile in the snow to school right. And speaking of walking to school just as you know and statistic here. This was also shocking to me in 1969, 48% of elementary and middle school keep as students walked or rode a bicycle to school.

I was probably among them. By 2009.

Only 13% did so, and those who live less than a mile from the school 35% walked or read their bicycle to school in 2009 as compared to 89% in 1969 and so we don't even let them out of our sites anymore just were terrified and and you not just this morning read an article it talked about parents and tracking their college students to the point that there is this 360 Athens students joke about it, but there now like holding college tuition over their head saying if you don't let me track you on this app. I'm not can it pay for college.

It's really gotten ridiculous and then mothers are texting their son saying I can't tell where you are right now, but it doesn't look like it's a good place or it doesn't doesn't lecture at the Liber. Any this is a hovering that shouldn't be happening. College years and so I talk about in the book you need to have your child it that's the test launch phase while they're still in the home. By the time they reach about 1516 years old.

You're beginning to let them have independence certainly and things hopefully have a job hopefully there earning some level of income and paying for at least some of their necessities that you are intentional about that test launch phase so that when they had out the door. You're not following the call. The tracking app is fine with her, 15, 16, you recommended at that angle when you arrive earlier 2122 off a college, something's wrong I are still track him. You know that makes me think of another conversation that just came to my mind that we as parents need to have with God. You don't we've done about this conversation with her kids is very critical, but there's a conversation that we need to go. God I need to trust you.

He's old enough to be responsible.

I've raised him well, since test launch name is in college or whatever and I need to go gotten something you need to get on your knees on this have stood at the window as they drove out when their 16th and we've all done this and looked up to heaven and say God I trust you.

Who else can I trust and so that never ends. What a way to, that's a conversation about parents don't have them there to make mistakes and that there gonna do wrong things, stupid things, and there to get hurt and that's part of what gods can use in their life just like hard work he used in our lives. Right click change shapes as those address. I love that, and his mother's it would be good to pray that we would resist the urge to rescue you. I found myself in the college years. My eldest son when he left my husband did this thing and I am pretty sure sure about in this in this book where he had our children sign a college contract. He's an attorney, so there's that. He basically laid it out for each one and said you know I am about to invest approximately blank amount into your college education and this is what your mother and I expect in return had to sign the dotted line and it had parameters in place.

Because this is a privilege and you know this is a privilege and we did not pay for it full out. We did have them earn their summer get their summer jobs are and son toward paying for books and leisure activities that he laid out you know if you're in a drop class and you're gonna take longer to graduate. Your mother and are paying for four years because once we hit the fifth year you know we have to pay tuition you have to pay food so you're on your own.

That year, you will have to go and get a bank loan you if you extended past the four years same thing the grades if we see that your basically decided to party instead of studies and work on go ahead and strike this. This is the deal's off your to come home you can get a job you know and you want to live at home or in a patient to live somewhere else so you know they knew how we better leave the nest and fly because of course we were ogres in a sense if they hate. They both sensible labor came back and briefly state. I called it a layover they should. If you let them come back. They should be looking for a job. They should have a plan in place. That's the problem is for a lot of our guys the layover ends up being a permanent solution and before you know it there. 35 imams doing their laundry and cooking their favorite males and going out getting about cleanliness and they can play video. This is not met with Scott when we vote the talk really about one of the main conversations today about the conversation that you need to grow up child is only for a season and and if you're 16.

The season is ending quickly. If it's not already over.

These are the kinds of things that as parents we need to be purposeful and intentional about the your book helps us as parents have these conversations the book I'm talking about is called five conversations you must have with your son. You can go to our website. Family life today.com to request a copy or you can call one 800 FL today again the website to order your copy of Vicki Courtney's book 5 conversations you must have with your son go to family life today.com to order, or call 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today. Now, in addition to conversations, we are to be having with our sons. There are probably some conversations will be having as couples to help make sure our marriages are strong after what has been of a strenuous season for most of us in our marriages. In the midst of what's been a pretty crazy year family life's put together a resource online called take your marriage from good to great for your resource and it includes a couple of online courses.

There's one on conflict resolution and biblical principles for how to deal with conflict when it happens in the marriage for messages you can download and listen to maybe together, Bodie Baucom, Paul David Tripp Julie Slattery Dr. Gary Chapman there's a downloadable e-book that got conversation starters included all of its free. Just go to family life today.com and download the take your marriage from good to great resource.

When you do, you automatically become eligible to win a trip to family life sit in on a family life today recording session have dinner with Damon and Wilson will cover the cost of your airfare, your hotel, your travel expenses. The dinner all about. No purchase is necessary.

The contest ends August 14. Restrictions apply. Unofficial rules can be found in family life.com/good contest.

So take advantage of the content that's available and maybe we'll see you at an upcoming family life today recording session and then finally we hope every one of you will get a copy of my new book which is called love like you mean that it's a book about understanding love biblically rather than understanding the cultural view of love which comes to us from pop songs and romantic comedies. The biblical definition is more durable. It's more rugged and it builds a relationship that not only goes the distance, but where there is deeper satisfaction in your marriage.

The book is our thank you gift to you when you support the ongoing ministry of family life today when you help us help others. Family life today is all about effectively developing godly marriages and families were touching hundreds of thousands of people every day and you're the one to make that possible. Every time you donate so you can donate online@familylifetoday.com or you can call one 800 FL today to donate when you do, be sure to ask for your copy of my book. Love, like you mean it and we'd love to get a copy to you. Thanks for your support of this ministry and we hope you can be here tomorrow we will talk about what you do as parents to hold up a high standard with your kids.

And yet at the same time let them know that when they mess up because they will when they mess up. There's forgiveness. There's hope there's redemption Courtney joins us again tomorrow to talk about that. Hope you can join us as well. Thank our engineer today.

Keep Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life today is a production of family life of Little Rock Arkansas crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow