Finding the Hero in Your Husband

Could White's attempt to manage a messy marriage work against her. I love helping women understand that God actually wants you to accentuate all of the strength he's getting that to do so in a way that's building something beyond just getting our own way. Having welcome Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller the five bloodline today. Dr. Julie Slattery why they have heard build a better marriage.

Our featured resources for both been rewritten, titled finding euro in your husband bracing your power in the combined that in more simple ways to strengthen your relationship with the website gees.com Gary before we get to Dr. Slattery since this is the Saturday before Valentine's Day.

What you give some encouragement for those listing observance in their culture we have one good year low.

But Susan was real, 365 days but let's utilize it for like the most out of your marriage.

Do something different this time. There were different going to do that if you're single just delivered your mother let's let's think about love and look for opportunities and think about ways to express love to the significant people in our lives on that day. I think it's a great idea, so people say well I don't like Valentine's Day well just like it's a great idea that we focus along so most of it, use it to its full extent, and agree with you wholeheartedly. Maybe reading "The 5 Love Languages" book for the first time would be a good thing to do and you find out more about that website again. Five love languages.com why think. I guess today is going to have some great things to say to both men and women but particularly wives who may be listening.

Dr. Julie Slattery is a psychologist, author and cofounder of authentic intimacy. In addition to speaking and teaching. She hosts the podcast Java with Julie.

She had a guest have coffee and conversation about relationship sex, intimacy, and why God cares about her sexuality. She's the author of a number of books including our featured resource today finding the hero in your husband embracing your power and marriage.

You find out more at 5lovelanguages.com welcome back to Building Relationships. Thanks for having me FLA just the special honor to share with you.

I'm Valentine's Day because Dr. Chapman you have been a champion of the love and our culture says so grateful for the work that you do. Thank you. We are really glad to talk about this topic now this book has the same title as the one you wrote 20 years ago, understand you completely rewritten the book Philip tell me about that. Well, I found that women were still buying the old version of the dock and saying that it was helpful and I recognize that the main concept in the book is just as needed. Make my needed first-rate 20 years ago that so much has changed over the last two decades I've changed a lot, and so I went back to it with the intention of doing some pretty heavy revisions and editing that once I got into it as like I just have to start over. I don't even sound like I did 20 years so cited up to start with the same foundation in rebuilding this back 20 years ago. What prompted you to write this book in the first place. Well when I first started writing this book. It was my first book, and I was pretty new wife.

I think that Ellington married maybe about five years I was a pretty new clinician said just dying to meet with couples and women in my own journey, as well as what I saw in the journey that women realize this question I have is my strength. I really believe that God's design for marriage is a beautiful one. I know when I read the Scriptures that I see that God calls us to unique places when marriage is really struggling with what that looks like practically especially in my marriage.

I 20 years ago I was definitely the mark goal oriented, focused person.

My husband was really laid back loves to have fun and I was just finishing my doctorate and I was thinking like you know you you gave me my personality. I have a lot of strength in my personality been a Christian for as long as I can remember all this education and I feel like I'm being told to just Park all my strength at the doorstep when I come into my home because I don't want to be a godly wife and I knew that that could be consistent with God's heart and soul is really this wrestling of how do I be all that God made me to be and be honoring to his design within marriage.

So that's connected is behind it while it was a worthy objective. So what's changed in 20 years. In your own life and culture that would motivate you to rewrite this book while the question certainly hasn't changed.

I've learned more about how to do this and how to flourish as a woman and flourish as a wife and to understand God's heart for me as a wife is not one that dampens anything about my personality my strength that really channels, and channels in a way that does intimacy but there's just so much and culture that has changed in people that are commenting on where we are today. They are saying that we are changing more quickly than ever before in history and certainly the Internet, smart phone technology plays a big piece of that and that impacts marriage, how we think about sexuality, how we think about gender how we think about marriage and intimacy that we seen other changes as well and you are around 20 years ago to you are in ministry so you can chime in on this. I feel like a couple decades ago.

Christian women were struggling with okay if they felt weak and I'm not sure how to be strong today Christian women are feeling very strong and there empowered by our culture they're getting higher levels of education, more powerful jobs that are encouraged to be powerful, and every arena of life, and now the question is how I bring all that strength to intimacy and to marriage and so it's a little it's a little different slant on some the same questions I think Christian when were asking just a couple tickets that go what would be your thoughts on what you've observed formal laws are involved in vocations as well as trying to be a wife and mother and so I think the time stress is certainly better technology which you mentioned, no question about it greatly impacted wives and husbands relationships excited to be written this book so you really want to empower wives not to manipulate or change their husbands will help bring out the best. Is that right in my reading it right yet, it is an really believe that women are already figuring empowered and were more aware of our power that we probably have been in modern memory that women have so much unique power, particularly within the intimate relationship of marriage. I think a lot of people would agree that women actually even have more power than their husbands do and how to set the tone of the relationship and the nuance of intimacy.

So the question is how do we use that power and just given our own natural instincts were probably not going to use that power.

Well probably get to use it to primarily feel emotionally safe. Instead of risking intimacy use that power to get things done the way we think they should be done rather than really biting her husband into experiencing and growing in his voice and his power. So that goal is how do we channel the power that God has given us, which is a very good thing into the kinds of interactions. Eric and adultery, intimacy and marriage. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . If you'd like to hear a pass program. Take an assessment of your love language or find out about our guest today just got my website@ 5lovelanguages.com Dr. Julie Slattery is joining us.

She's the author of finding the hero in your husband embracing your power and marriage. Find out more at 5lovelanguages.com it's five love languages.com books where you have a chapter called the wife's greatest challenge what you think is a watch greatest well if I could sum it up I see it this way. We want our husbands to lead but we want them to lead the way we think they should lead as so it's really double-blind for the life and the husband like I want you to step in the leadership to do it exactly the way I tell you to add a lot of husbands will not their heads when they hear that until I feel she keeps telling me to leave it every time I tried to step in that she's correcting me so that's the tension and that sort of the pivotal question that we've we've got a sort through his wife's because we want to see her husband's growing want to see them strongly want to see them take initiative that we get very anxious and afraid when they don't do so. The way we think they should be doing is so true. You have experienced my own counseling water system will you not to switch my house will be a leader, what are you my mother looked like a note to women. So the sun for seven what that would look like, but it's always a number different than what it looks like. So the book is about the power of women in the power they have in marriage describe particularly what that power looks like at work comes from yeah well I think our power in relationship is primarily stemming from what the other person needs and so if I have a need at very deep need and you're the only one who can meet that need. That gives you power if I am struggling with cancer and you have the antidote to that you now have relational power and you can use that poorly or you can use that well and the same is true with emotionally so I wife's power really comes through when a husband needs and marriage. In the book I talked about three specific cord means that men come into marriage with that that then give a woman power and so the three needs are. First of all, that need to feel like my wife believes in me that I'm her hero.

She respects me and that's something we can impact because I know that even network respect can be a trigger for some women on the second me that every husband comes in with is the need for a teammate and for companionship. God created a wife to be a complete or a companion for her husband. He's not good on his own and the Scripture would say, and then the third need is really to share the sexual journey with his wife to be pursuing that kind of oneness sexually and so those are the three primary needs that men generally will express in those three needs translate into a lot of relational power for the life so speaking into those moods. You could have a tremendously positive influence on her husband or conversely yeah absolutely well what they are aware of your power not you have it in your using Proverbs 14 line says the wise woman builds her house that with their own hands. The foolish one characters down and in our natural ways down in our natural/community using my power, probably to be more manipulative. Not really to strengthen intimacy to encourage my husband.

It's only when God gives me the wisdom that enabled now to start using that power in a very positive way. So similarly I do my own power and marriage yeah do women have needs and marriage. If women have needs that means men have power so many have power marriage based on what a woman needs and well again like he said everyone is different and every marriage is different. The core needs that most women would resonate with and marriage is first of all, feel valued, how to feel like I'm his number one is choosing me and then that second me being I want to feel safe with him.

I want to feel like he's getting use his physical strength. His relational strength is leadership to protect me to make me feel safe and secure and some men have power and marriage based on those needs that must women really experience within intimate relationships. So what are some ways that wives to issues so one of the ways that I think most wives will misuse their power is they don't quite understand how their husband's needs are unique from their own. So let's talk about that that need to be a hero or that need to feel respected by by his wife. What have come to understand and Chris and Gary you guys can speak into this because your man and I'm not a man but what I've learned through counseling is that most men have a real struggle with the issue of competence.

They fear failure.

They fear being exposed.

They fear letting people down around them. And when God says to life's respect your husband when he's really saying is make marriage and emotional's monthly safe relationship for your husband. You get to vote every day whether or not you think your husband is a hero or zero. He's looking at you in terms of how how my doing. Now if one doesn't understand that she's going to be again maybe nitpicking, criticizing and cutting taking charge of the home and went to husband consistently.

Here's whether spoken or not is I'm not enough she doesn't believe in me, and I've done this is a wife because I have been intentional about really understanding this need in my husband's life.

So in parenting. For example, we have very different parenting's styles and there been many times where I'm over correcting all the time now might say this way or do it that way. And when I'm using my words. That way, even if I think that's helpful, but that can end up doing is making him feel like why would I even try. Every time I try to step in the parenting of getting it wrong based on what my wife says so I have no energy to even invest in this area of our family anymore and so I think that's a pretty common example of how women misuse their power, but there certainly others as well. The biblical passages about submission and marriage sure obviously controversial misunderstanding among Christian women you wrote a chapter on submission list was attempting just to avoid the subject has had a chapter on this in the first version of the book when I started rewriting him like should I go there. It's just easier not to because this is a painful topic and a deeply misunderstood topic for a lot of women that I think it's critical that instead of avoiding these hard topics we really press even more deeply into the heart of God and say where we gotten this wrong. What is God's heart and how is it expressed through Scripture, so that were not just reading words and defining terms but were really saying why does God care about this and what's his intent and actually Gary.

I feel like the topic of submission flows so much into this conversation about power because submission is not the absence of power. It's not calling wives to be weak. It's actually calling them to be very wise in intentional about how they channel their power, which is the main theme in the book you think that the traditional teaching mission has been unbalanced and destructive to women into marriage but I think the traditional teaching has really made women feel like God wants them to be weak and I use the example earlier in our conversation about how I felt as a young wife that I was probably supposed to leave all the knowledge I got from my doctor degree all the things I learned about Scripture growing up all my personality at the doorstep so that I could be submissive or not threatening to my husband and I although that has been a way that I think this topic has a lot of times been presented. I think that's a misapplication of God's heart God gave us her strength he gave you your personality he gave you spiritual gifts and knowledge and wisdom and all that is meant to be brought to the table of intimacy, but to steward all that strength in such a way that your husband feels like she's my teammate. She is for me.

She's not competing with me. She's not overtaking me and so I love helping women understand that God actually wants you to accentuate all the strength he's given you but to do so in a way that's that's filming something beyond just getting her own way or having things done the way we think they should be done so that would be one thing I think.

Also in this is a really serious when when people have used teaching on submission to make women feel like they shouldn't stand up.

They shouldn't get help. For example, if there abusive dynamics within their marriage they shouldn't confront husbands and wives are still brothers and sisters in Christ, and some all the teaching in Scripture about a faithful friends wounding each other about calling each other to accountability and confronting with love is all apply within marriage as well and I think Ron teaching on submission has really clouded that and led to some very destructive dynamics in some relationships you think you would also agree that this is still a problem in Christian circles.

Clearly understanding this order. Some signs are red flags that might be worshiping with so this concept is being interpreted and applied in the marriage in a way that spectrum of yeah I think I think when there's an over emphasis on roles and behaviors. That's a red flag because God's teaching is all about our heart and our spirit so we start setting rules like the husband should be the primary breadwinner all the time, or wives.

Never give your husband your opinion, unless he asks for it. Those are behaviors and roles and rules that really become legalistic and promote unhealthy behaviors in marriages are dynamic and every husbands different every wife's different but what God calls us to spirit a flourishing and helping other people flourish and so I think this is true in the church and in the Christian home.

The question is, it is your husband using his his power and relationship to invite you to flourish.

Are the women in the church flourishing or did they feel like they're stamped down or discouraged and if you can't say that the spirit is we want everyone to flourish and we have to say there's probably a misapplication here that is not representative of the heart of God talking to husbands who say the movie will my wife is most submissive and also will start with. Do you know what would Jesus lose your role serves wives and husbands, love your wives like Christ loved the church and himself for it, so somebody like it's a role of God to yourself for the benefit of your wife world you're no longer alive yeah exactly yes if you have again church situation or marriage situation when where these verses are being used to put women down, make them voiceless in a not only is that dangerous, but it also we have to recognize is not at all consistent with the larger message of the heart of God to ask a question here. Go back and look at this from the wife's perspective because you said Julie. The body reading your husband or tearing them down. You can do detrimental things. Or if you are supportive of him and encourage your words five love languages you can build him up. What about the husband who looks to his wife for that validation and everything is like if if she treats me well the relationship is going well if if she's having a bad day that I've done something wrong and it's all about her response to me and I gauge my life about my my wife's mood that the best not fair to her is no it's not fair and it's also not healthy. What we know from Scripture. In this particular even comes out of Ephesians chapter 5 which talks a whole lot about the things that were now discussing is that marriage is supposed to be this revelation of Christ's love for his people of Christ's love for his church and so marriage is sort of a it's a mini expression of God's heart and its life-giving by God's design. It's meant to be fulfilling its meant to be emotionally safe, but it can't bear the full weight of what it was actually meant to point to which was the intimacy we we need to have God and so for both the husband and wife that it that are looking to their spouse for all of that emotional fulfillment. All those intimacy needs it's going to be too much weight for the marriage into the backdrop of this always has to be has your intimacy with God and how it how are you being fulfilled and validated as a son or daughter in Christ, and now marriage can bear some of that weight of what is that look like here on earth, but only if we had the backdrop of really fulfilled through Christ because we are not by nature lovers which are selfish. I'm looking to do to meet Monday Jeanette Struble, wife and husband.

The opposite is the biblical pattern, but we will never do agree will never do the biblical pattern of really having a servant's attitude.

I'm here to serve you know what Jesus said about himself. I didn't come to be served became to serve as a husband have the attitude I'm here to serve you honey. How can I help you become the person you believe God wants you to be true has the same attitude toward me coming that's that's what marriage is designed for right yeah and we can only be unselfish and service oriented.

If our deepest needs are getting that in Christ. So as we grow in our relationship with him is more freedom to say, even if at this moment I don't feel completely fulfilled in my marriage I'm still get invest in.

My husband and for Amanda have that same perspective. Can you can you frame that the Valentine's Day and what the expectations of the therefore him for her and and all that.

How do we how you put that through that prism that you just talked about. Yeah that's a good question Chris.

We were made for intimacy, which is why Valentine's Day and everything related to love and intimacy so much, grab our hearts and to use for marketing because that's what we are made for.

That's what we all desperately long for it in our society.

Whether it's Valentine's Day towards the over emphasis on sexual expression were to be fed counterfeits like even just shadows of good things.

Now becoming the main thing that's can fill you in your life. So a lot of people on Valentine's Day are feeling so that climax of I can only be happy if I had this great romance and romance is a wonderful thing but it's not the thing that's meant to fill you in your life. And so the ultimate love that God calls us to his first love for him and to receive his love and now we can walk that out in healthy ways and love for others, whether he said to begin to show Gary that's loving your marriage or sled for your children your life, your neighbors or love for our fellow countrymen left for our enemies and some guy desperately wants us to be people of love that we can only love others because he's first loved us." Once Jesus is the way I will know you are following. If you love yes this is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, New York Times best-selling author of "The 5 Love Languages" were hearing about hope for marriages today as we consider how wife can be an agent for real change.

If you go to our website you'll see our featured resource. Dr. Julie Slattery's book, finding the hero in your husband embracing your power in marriage.

Again, go to five love languages.com will in this section will discuss some issues related to sexual intimacy in marriage. So parents be aware of that story of the chapter also own conflict, which represent totaled your last fight. Describe the difference between healthy conflict inviting like most people use the word fight and conflict interchangeably, and I probably have done that in my own marriage, and I think is really a wake-up call for me to realize that conflict is inevitable. Actually conflict is part of intimacy you can have intimacy without conflict, but fighting is optional and so while Mike and I are going to have conflict on a regular basis. We can go. Conceivably, years without fighting. So conflict is simply the fact that we at we have a difference with a different opinion on things and we have an inner interaction where he says something and I take it the wrong way. So I start to feel her you. Those are all the normal conflicts that happen within marriage. Fighting is when we react to that difference by making it your version of this verse is mine. I have to get my way I have to when I have to prove that I'm right. I have to make you see it my way and we get in that mindset we go into self protective mode instead of really wanting to build intimacy and so in the book I talked about like some key differences that you can see happen between addressing conflict in healthy way versus addressing conflict in a way that turns into this fight of me against you. But let's talk about some of those practical ways. This is a huge problem problem in marriages.

The conflicts lead us to fighting and then we yelled and scream and say hurtful things for each other than someone walking around the room and slams the door. So what are some ideas.

All healthy ways to conflict yeah will first of all I think it's really healthy to realize that the goal of the conflict is not to win, and I've taught on this that had people come up later and say never heard that before. I never thought about before, because as soon as my spouse and I start discussing something we disagree on. I've always thought it's my goal to present the better argument towards my goal for him to end up agreeing with me and that's just not true. Dr. John Gottman who is really respected as probably the foremost research on how we resolve conflict came out with the statement based on his research that almost 2/3 of the conflicts couples have will never be resolved and you likely me what he's saying there is that you and your spouse about 70% of the things you disagree on. You'll never see I die you'll never want the bedroom be to be the same temperature. One of you is going wanted at 60 and the others get on it at 75 change that you probably never will have the same sexual drive one of you will desire sex more one of you will desire less often and so just accepting that it's okay that we have differences actually a good thing that we have differences that we want to parent our children with different framework because two are better than one. And so learning to approach those differences with how I understand you more. How do I value your perspective instead of how do I prove to you that my perspective is better. I think another one is the belief that you have to solve conflicts right now that couples who are healthy don't let the sun go down on your anger, you hear that person is like, we can't go to sleep until this is resolved, and when you really like at what Paul is saying in that verse. Don't let the sun go down in your anger. What is really saying is don't let bitterness get a root and so I can go to bed and have dealt with my anger before the Lord without having resolved to conflict with my husband and there are a lot of times were conflicts should not even be addressed to leave, had perhaps even days to pray about it to really think about it and seek some wise counsel because if we go in there and try to talk about emotionally triggering topics without that kind of preparation. Even with the best intentions were to end up hurting each other often share Slattery about the difference. My wife and she opens doors and drawers but doesn't close them that irritated me to preach to her about order. We didn't solve it.

Your right over and a few weeks a few months and finally one day she said hundred if it really bothers you.

Why don't you just close them all open them when you close your teamwork about bug slips to but your good but it doesn't go away you know.

So we decide how how can we do this is the team that's a great example will call you. The closer earlier but was the way she loves the dishwasher in a very orderly and organize everything has a place and sheepishly large luxury splint Frisbee.

We fall over that one will hold firmly to several hundred really bothers you that much is, why don't you just to be that you be the one to go to the dishwasher you have a very smart wife took real well, but I got there okay all yeah yeah actually you.

My husband would have a lot in common. Like over the covert quarantine he completely reorganized how I do everything in the kitchen consists of all the forks go in the spot in the dishwasher to send out quickly so you will this chapter of the good in the book is so helpful and can guarantee most of the people are listed in your program. If they're married but you know what were talking about but I know the conflicts but many of them have not filed away, however, to work through those conflicts. Respecting the other person's position when you don't agree with it and then funding a workable solution. Let's move to the sexual area social analyst is a topic you focused on for the last 10 years really in your own ministry in writing and speaking while you select such an intense area of conflict for mergers. I think for a few reasons. First of all, God designed sex to be vulnerable and even that the physical nakedness of sex means that you're exposing everything they got. Also designed sexual intimacy to be an activity in a journey that emotionally exposes us to sexual conversations are very vulnerable and potentially triggering when were talking about sex with her spouse were not just talking about sex were talking about do you do you value me. You see me as attractive, will you reject me at it. It taps into some of our deepest areas of shame and fear, and so couple that's trying to navigate an issue as simple as they have different sexual desires can be triggering all kinds of feelings of rejection, fear and anger and resentment and so the simple question. Do you want to have sex tonight. Allison becomes an explosive interchange of you don't love me you don't value me you don't care about my needs and not to add onto it. Most couples don't know how to talk about sex. They don't know what language to use. They don't even know how to connect their own fears and vulnerabilities to what's happening in their marriage is.

I think a lot of couples feel like this is just a landmine and they try to talk about it and then it just ends up with hurt feelings and nothing gets resolved in a lot of just can't give up agree with you. I think there are many, many couples who have known in some of the been married for many years never filed a meeting place when it comes to mutual sexual satisfaction in the marriage relationship but you can't get there without communication right you can and they'll have models for how we talk about this. Not even just how do we talk about navigating the issues of having mutual sexual desires met, but will figure a step deeper.

Most couples are dealing with things like past sexual trauma, guilt and shame over choices, they may have made in the past, betrayal, trauma, sexual addiction, so try navigating those issues without the vocabulary and the conflict and communication skills to really connect and you can see why this is just a topic that most people want avoidance. I think it's critical that we continue to develop resources like this show some of the things that we do it authentic and see to give couples handles to begin understanding this journey and putting words to it. What you say to the couple listing right now the water for the husband who says you we are given up the sliver that will happen. Maybe again, I've got to do something else with my life. You know that because sex is just not there say that person like to first of all, you're not alone.

I would say probably about 50% of married couples feel that way at some level, but it also say there's a good reason for you not to give up sexuality is massive spiritual battlefield and we see that happening all around us in our culture, we see just the Satanic attack on God's design for marriage and sexuality and gender there so much confusion happening right now and there's not much I can do about what's happening in culture that one territory that God has given me to Stewart is my own heart my own life my own marriage and self.

I just can't give up and I let the enemy have strongholds of fears in my life of anger or resentment, or unaddressed wounds. Then I'm letting him when and when I realize this in my marriage, probably about 10 or 12 years ago. It really like awaken within me. I think a spirit of wanting to fight for righteousness and wanting to sit in the enemy, you might be having your way in the world but you don't get to have your way in my life and I really want to invite God to fake tree into this area of my heart in my marriage.

That's a key part in. I can't fight the enemy in any area of my life, including sexuality in my own strength but I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. And so I think that's a first step for a lot of couples they never done this really inviting God into their sex life through prayer, through really wanting to understand his heart for sexuality and asking him to begin that begin with them on the healing process. So don't even talk to God about six because it's not spiritual filled rule is God's wanted all this in motion is also roughly many times, communication books and resources like that, things that you have provided are so helpful and sometimes can open the door to communication where we wouldn't just sit down and talk about these things but we are reading a chapter in and been talking about our response to it can be so helpful to know that you really.

I know this is on your heart and your website offers a lot of resources are reversible. Give us your your website because I think a lot of men and women would be interested in. Yeah, my website is authentic and see.com and you can find pretty much all of our resources right there. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Our guest is Dr. Julie Slattery and were talking about finding the hero in your husband embracing your power and marriage. That book is our featured resource@ 5lovelanguages.com that's five love languages.com for parents listening in this section will continue with more about sexual intimacy and marriage.

Also in the listeners were told about the whole structure reported marriage.

What are some of the important mental shifts books from women and couples need to make in their sex lives. Well I think I even before we took the break.

He had mentioned one of them and it's the mental shift really understanding that God cares deeply about this area of your life in this area of your marriage because the church traditionally having hesitantly talked a lot about sex.

We feel like it. Sex is sort of a separate category that God doesn't care about. He hasn't said much about the we read the Scripture we actually find out that's not true that while maybe some church traditions have been quiet on this topic. God has been quiet all I think that's a huge mental shift of really accepting God created sex he created everything about my body. He created hormones that create sexual desire. He designed the orgasm that was his idea and he wants us to enjoy this within marriage. You can hear that. But to really embrace that and accept that it is a different thing really can be transformational in the way you think about sex within marriage.

The other thing that's closely related. That is really beginning to see sex again is a spiritual battlefield.

If God cares about it. That means that the enemy cares about it to and he wants to use things you've experienced in your past. He wants to use wounds and shame and fear to keep you in bondage in this area and so again when you recognize that you began fighting differently and then another mental shift is just thinking about sex, not as an activity but as a journey of intimacy and I think we put far too much emphasis on what's happening with our bodies and even questions like how often should we be having sex and far too little emphasis on what is God doing in our marriage through this journey. How is he inviting us to be vulnerable with each other to know each other more deeply. How is he calling us to be men and women of character. How is he calling us to extend mercy and grace to each other, specifically through our sexual journey and I think we have that perspective of journey we can see that God is always up to something he always wants to work in our lives.

Even through the painful stretches of the journey. What what are some of the common barriers that usually couples building with related related to the social actual part of the marriage. I think in today's day and age.

Most couples are entering into marriage with a lot of misunderstanding about sex either from the culture or from maybe some simplistic teaching they've heard in religious settings and and so there there entering into this journey with baggage with wounds from the past with fears with lies. They don't really know how to articulate like my spouse could never really love me if they knew this.

Or God could never forgive me for what I did here or I can never experience sex and enjoy it because of what happened to me and and so that this are very common barriers of sexual addiction, sexual abuse from your past guilt and shame of the choices that you've made and that those are big barriers that I can take a journey perspective of becoming free, is not at doesn't happen in a day. It's a journey of God which you teach me the truth which he set me free. Would you help me to experience the reality of forgiveness and of your mercy, and so there's a lot of them again.

Those are pretty heavy barriers, but I think in today's day and age there there more the norm than the exception. Think that's why were talking about selection so important. Listeners are open to taking steps because we don't display where we are.

We can always grow or talk about one other area before you delete this whole thing of navigating squat in the marriage is often a source of tension, you encourage couples to get on the same page with work and homework housework and parenting in terms of who's going to do what we get that teamwork thing employees.

Yeah, it's important to have a team perspective and I think traditionally, there were household chores that were divided up based on gender and how this came up like how we said okay women she do cooking and mentioned mow the lawn, but in today's day and age.

I feel like we'd sort of thrown those stereotypes out and just said okay we got a whole Lotta work that needs to get done. How do we divvy it up and one of the ways that we can divvy it up is even looking at interests in gifting and so if the wife loves yardwork and wants to mow the lawn and go for it.

If the husband loves finances and is more meticulous about the budget and that's what he should do at United really looking at what you enjoy and what are you gifted at so that were bringing the best to each other as a team think another piece of this is what's fair.

It really creates conflict in marriage when one person feels like they're carrying too much load and so having honest conversations about that on a regular basis is just healthy emotional housekeeping for a couple to say I do you feel like it's fair the way that with giving these things up. Now I will say that sometimes one of us will end up doing more work because we have a very unique specific way that we think work should be done so Gary use that example of how you want the dishwasher done a certain way. If you approach everything that way then eventually your life is just going to say what you can do it all and that's another piece of it is we have to have realistic expectations. I can't be micromanaging the way my spouse is doing his piece of this have to give him freedom to do it the way that he wants to do it. So I think those are some of the ways that we learn to communicate and really build that teamwork over time. So your sales team have different abilities and different interested in different places where we are expert is not it's not a matter who knows what it's about working out how to we worked with Dr. Slattery. Let me ask your personal question.

How have you and Mike navigated parenting and ministry in his career.

Over the years. While it has been a navigation and we have we have done it very differently three seasons and so when we first started having kids wasn't planned. We got pregnant the first time I was just finishing my doctorate degree and so here I had this nice shiny new degree that I wanted to gotten use and he was just beginning his career in finance and we talked and prayed about it. We really felt like I was the one that felt like I wanted to be home with the kids and so the first probably 10 years of our marriage. I worked really part-time doing some counseling. A couple evenings a week and strain on some writing projects until the kids got into school and then I started working more and more formal settings and now that were empty-nesters. It's a whole different season have lots of freedom and lots of time but there been times as we look back over 27, 28 years in marriage where we both have yielded an sacrifice for one another and when God called me to work for Focus on the Family several years ago. It required a move from Ohio to colored Springs and my husband said let's do it. I said I don't know like you want to move from my job and he's like yes I really feel like God is calling us to this. That meant that he traded a two minute commute for an hour commute and he did that for 10 years so he sacrificed for me in ministry and there been times where I've sacrifice for him in history and I think when you have the attitude of number one what is God want for us have seen want to use assisted team and number two I'm willing to let go of what I want to really help my my spouse flourish when both the husband and wife have that attitude, you really start to grow in intimacy and that didn't happen right away. Gradually had to teach us and refine our characters so that we could be each other's greatest supporters and fans will thanks for sharing from your own journey home sure that with that. One of the things I really appreciate is the emphasis you put in all of your work in terms of how important our relationship with God is goes God alone really can turn us from being self-centered and selfish to being truly loving and then in that love with attitude we find answers. Thank you for being with us to go for spending to write this book and I hope a lot of waters are also profit God continue to give you wisdom. Mike was with him the rest of thank you Dr. St. Slattery with the website. Five love languages.com find title raising your power.

Five love life next week. More help in Delaney will help you find your marriage possible you can join us. Let me thank action teams quick and Janice Todd building relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman radio with a ministry at Moody Bible and thanks for listening