Dear Gary

People are Being on "The 5 Love Languages" successful.

"The 5 Love Languages" you will will your life is emotionally my wife and I read it together and we quickly realize like we are the exact opposite of the love language scale quizzes, with the Gary Chapman to me love I would just have a dating struggle financers and hope today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. I no longer have a very everything you know Mary Mary are not will welcome Building Relationships with Dr. Gary, author of the New York Times bestseller the five love today. It's on me. Broadcast questions to counselor author Esther and our program.

That's right, Dr. Gary Chapman's room and ready to go. Experience conflict overflowing and something addressed in future resource how to really love your adult child answer that question is more and more conflict. You're exactly right Chris takes longer to get people out of the home to the after college often but come back home for a while. Sometimes after they've been married but come back home for a while, divorced, and sometimes even bring children with them. You know it is getting more and more difficult. But the reality is, parents do love their adult children, but sometimes I don't know how best to express that love to their adult child and sometimes parents simply perpetuate negative journey for that adult child, rather than helping them this book that I wrote with Dr. Ross Campbell psychiatrist, who incidentally now is in heaven. But for 30+ years.

He was a psychiatrist, and I think this book goes going to help a lot of parents who really want to love their adult trial but are not quite sure how to best express that the child will that's a featured resource of good. Five love languages.com how to really love your adult child. If you've never read that we have linked right there one ask one more question before we start Gary and that is in your callers. We've gone through in the last couple of months of well more than that just this upheaval in the country and didn't it's impacted relationships. There has been on the other talk about social distancing and all of that and I wonder when Dr. Kathy Cook was with us a few weeks ago. She talked about grieving well what we have been through and and you agree with her that we need to have a time where we we don't just move on and move forward as much as we can reach really have to take stock of what happened here. Well, I think you're right, Chris, and you know let's face it, many people suffered in ways that other people didn't suffer through all of this course. Those who suffer the most are those who lost family members in the midst of all of this so grieving the death of us of a family member is a huge experience for any of us in the closer you were to that person. The deeper you feel the sense of loss and it doesn't go away with the passing of time and so learning how to verbalize that to others and if you know someone who has lost a family member. During this time for you to ask them about them are our society, not just how are you doing with the so you know I remember one time and you just give an experience where that person who is now deceased said something or did something for you in your life. It's a great encouragement to that person who has lost them and so they now open up and begin to talk with you and one of the best and healthiest ways to process grief is to talk about it and were talking. Whether it's a death of a person or whether it's the loss of a job, or maybe even during all of this, a divorce that's taken place and the kids are grieving well even if their adult children there grieving so being empathetic with people who have suffered losses during this time is a tremendous way for us to minister to them to serve them as they walk through this journey of grief and that continues.

If we see you know what these medical personnel are talking about the officials in Washington looking at all this that that will come. That process will continue, but the person that I'm thinking of is the person who lost a loved one and instead of grieving together because of the rules, you know, they've had to do this alone and has had to process this. Not with the funeral service and people coming around them, but they have to do that all alone, so there's just a number of ways that people can get involved in other people's lives at night I'd I didn't want to do this program here today and not at least mention that at some point. But I think it's important Chris I really do you know in my family, my wife's brother died during this time and that of the funeral we just had a small gathering in the house in his home in so many people didn't even have any kind of service and so reaching out to those who have lost a family member.

During this time is extremely important over the next few months. Well, here's our phone number if you want to call us and leave a message leave notes of vocal note or if you like ask you question the doctor, Chapman. It's 866424 Gary 186-6424 Gary leave your message will get to your question hopefully on a future broadcast. Let's begin with a little bit of good news Gary some gratitude from a listener who heard the previous program right now and not very. I no longer on my and it still hurt, but I really appreciated hearing and prayer, and really gave me no match for him on that and I need to look into that. Chris, we never know who is listening to these programs.

We do know common problems that people have and what this caller identified is one that I've heard so many times through the years where one spouse comes home and says to another. I love you but I'm not in love with you. It's a way of saying I'm disconnected with you emotionally, and often it's it's it's the first step in that person moving toward divorce doesn't have to lead to divorce. It can be kind of a wake-up call and that if the other person says, tell me about it. Who are you, let's talk about it or tell me how you're feeling or what brought this on. We can have conversations that can lead to reconciliation but this caller is representative of many callers are going through. Get that kind of experience, but is glad to know that what we say here on the program does make a difference in people's lives was love hearing that I started staring at the radio.

I got people say having to pull over for the radio because you were talking to me here and obviously we we don't know what you're going through. But as Gary said, God knows. He knows exactly what you're going through and so maybe something on the broadcast today will make you do that very same things of thank you for your response must take one more call before I break your question about the love languages and something that you have addressed through the years. Gary is an ex-caller know about your by love and I wanted to know what your whereabouts Chris and often ask similar questions. Is this that is, does the love language change or do they remain stable throughout a lifetime. I think that for most of us our love language which really is there really early in life stays with us for a lifetime. Like many, many other personality traits, but having said that, I think there are seasons of life and circumstances were another love language may come to jump to the top. For example, mother who has two or three preschool children acts of service may not be her primary love language during those years it probably will jump to the top because she is overwhelmed if their personal jump in and help her with those practical things she's going to feel loved. Another common experience is if your number one love language and number two are very very close and you get enough of number one that is your love tank is full. You may begin to think I although I think number two has become number one but if I stop speaking, number one, you will quickly say all not all know that still Opera so I do think their situation is that it may change your for period of time, but I think it does stay with us basically for a lifetime. When things get serious in a dating relationship. It's an exciting time. There's a lot of anticipation about what's ahead but there are still problems to work through.

Here's our next question everything, but keep really really talk about bothering really thought out about why I definitely think that put everything I better at than encourage that you are sensitive love to see this now during the relationship rather than being overwhelmed by the end love experience and not even recognizing that this is a phenomena you know we are different personality in terms of talk some people I call the Dead Sea's that is like the Jordan River flows into the Dead Sea.

They have a larger and doesn't go anywhere that this person has a large reservoir and I can receive things throughout the day, but they have no compulsion to talk about them in the other personality is what I call the babbling brook and that's the person that whatever comes in there in their mind they share it there just totally transparent and open at least two people usually marry each other, so this but this may be a part of what's going on here and we have to simply recognize and accept each other's tendency, but it does mean that the babbling brook has to slow the flow and ask more questions in the Dead Sea has to choose to talk more than they would normally talk that is there there working at this it's it's hard work for them so may just be a personality difference.

On the other hand, it may be that there's something deeper than that. As to why he isn't sharing with you, particularly if it's things that bother him and he's not sharing them.

What's beneath that, why, why would he not want to share those things with you and an edge and discuss them with you there something there may be that he has tried.

He shared a few of those and maybe you've come across negative currently see her energy was being condemning of him so he doesn't want to bring it up because he doesn't want you to tell him that he should feel that way or whatever.

So it could be the way you responded in the past to his conversations when he's opened up to you are to be something deeper than that.

But I would say if you really sense that this is a problem, then in your premarital counseling.

I would bring this up with the counselor and let him or her help you discover what is behind his behavior until you can discover that you probably won't make much progress and if this is troubling you. Now in the dating relationship.

It will trouble you in the marriage relationship so something you should really deal with and try to find significant growth before you get married. I hear so many people get to you have this kind of thing come up I will it'll all work out, and they spike it and they put and I agree with you. It's so much better to deal with this now that it comes up. Don't push it down there something there absolute absolutely, Chris, and that's often the case that people will just so it would almost say anything or bring anything up that we think might turn them off to us and so we move on toward the marriage and then we eventually come down off the high that in love, experience, and now had all surfaces and now into something really big and argumentative and we wonder what happened what happened this not the person I married. Well, it is the person you married, but the reality had not surfaced before you got married and now it is surface so better to have those things surface and work through them before you get married because of some fear here that I bring this up, then you know going to move forward and I I've been hurt in other relationships and I don't want that to happen. So you know that kind of fear can can dove us torpedo your own heart you know listening to that, but the other thing is that what she has just said is this is one of the reasons why you don't like short time between beginning relationship and getting married. You need this time to explore right absolutely Chris and you know it's not just the time. It's what you do with the time I was glad to hear her say that she is that they have worked for my book. Things I wish I'd known before we got married in 12 things that I know now that I know before I got married by my marriage much easier. That's the kind of thing reading a book together discussing it together and then going for premarital counseling together.

This is another very positive thing to do when you're in a serious dating relationship. So that's a dating struggle. How about when you're engaged in your future spouse isn't motivated to move forward. Gary out with out her four-year engagement answer tree near, but not to make a day or think you worry too much about heading to a wedding go more when I'm forward.

The I don't know if I have it I should marry which you can marry are not repeating the planning Tommy between transmitter and not loving everything seemed to going only when I asked him when I come the conversation of the long for me to file him even though there is nothing going on, but hand coming out here going out and working each other as a couple of respect each other on death account and a bluff. Any guy with that but were doing it wrong that's not good for, but I will not have to respond populated. Thank you very much.

Well, it would be interesting to know how old the caller is is she's 50 and he's 12 years younger than her RAC 30 and he's 12 years ago her purse to make a huge difference and also what each of them have gone through in the past has he been married before, or has he never been married Casey dated other people or is this the first person he stated all of those things are important because if this is his first relationship, then maybe socially. Maybe there some things in his mind.

Maybe there's some things in his lifestyle that he doesn't want to move to marriage and he's not really interested in marriage.

He just enjoys your friendship and likes being with you if he's been through a marriage before, and he has suffered the trauma of divorce, then he's reluctant to jump into another marriage because he knows the pain that divorce creates, so there's not a lot of issues there that would be helpful to know in terms of what you should and should not do. I would say, however, if you've known each other for years you been engaged for three years, it's time to deal with this issue and find out why he doesn't want to move on to marriage. Why would you want to be engaged and yet not marry so I would encourage you if he if he's willing to go with you for counseling. I would encourage you to do that if he's not willing to go.

I would encourage you to go to accounts for yourself and to share the situation and let them help you make them make a wise decision about what to do. I don't have enough information to say you should break it off or you should continue.

I do think, however, you should surface the issue and reach out for help because or something behind the reason he is not willing to move on and set a date for marriage.

She mentioned something about God not being happy with the situation and it sounded like she was saying that there wasn't sexual intimacy in in their dating relationship. But let's pull back from that and just say let's say there is a say there's some by listing you been engaged for three years you're sexually involved with that other person and they don't want to move forward.

What would you say to that person in that situation I would say that situation Chris when we give someone the benefits of being married sexually without the commitment to marriage, we set ourselves up for failure. If you're living with the concept that that God doesn't matter. And God has no plans for marriage that people just do what they want to do then this is the kind of thing that develops and so you you're having the benefit sexually of being married, which are not married and you don't have the responsibility of being married and don't have the commitment to be married that could go on for a long long time.

If you're willing to live with that. But most people really are not willing to live with that. And so one of them. Typically, the female is saying you know eventually know if you not will take some responsibility here. Make a commitment here and I'm getting out of this relationship and in Chris. I think that's part of the problem with the new sexual values that we have in our culture or lack of values so that sex is just another thing we do when we date people and and when we do that we minimize the value of marriage and the importance of marriage and this takes us to the how to love your adult child because a lot of parents are listening right now who are saying, I don't know how to help my son or my daughter, who's in a relationship like that featured resource good five love languages.com is how to really love your adult child.

You can find out more again@ 5lovelanguages.com so a person in a dating relationship without communication. A person whose it been engaged three years now let's hear from someone who is married and having a struggle hi Gary, my wife and I had been together and African Heather. We worked full-time together and have for many years yet busy at work and that will not deepen and avoid hardened everyday probably not better. I will be at fault for that keep my emotions and so when I get upset. She asked me what's wrong I don't think that you know I don't want to feel I my motion and then connecting you know that with me because I tell her that I feel like she's not giving her attention. She didn't care about my feelings and that because I know better. Damages done here we are this morning woke up. Good night. I had my couch this morning a coffee together and then I can drop that thing and she asked me what was going on out I will totally save my marriage and I know it can take part. Thank you senses the caller the desire to find an answer to this and I do appreciate his openness to acknowledge that obviously he's part of the problem. It's never one sided thing that one is all right. One is all wrong but we all respond negatively from time to time in a relationship unto things that I would suggest one is I do have a book entitled one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart.

I think if you could read that together that would be ideal. Read it together a chapter we can work your way through it. I think you could probably begin to find some answers and the other thing I would say is with what you describe. Counseling would be very very helpful to you and in terms of finding a counselor in your area. I would suggest call the church is in your area that you trust and asked the pastor or the staff whom do you recommend for marriage counseling because typically the pastors know who the local marriage counselors are and they can help you find a person that can be really really helpful to you. Do something because simply the passing of time is not going to help it. There has to be change behavior that grows out of conversations that the two of you are having, but typically when you get to the place which you describe. We can't turn those conversations by ourselves. We need an outside person like a counselor or pastor who can help us hear each other and hear each other in a safe place where there someone else there that can help us process our emotions so Kelsen can be very very very helpful and I would strongly urge you to find a Christian counselor and let them help you walk through this.

I went back to the last caller who had this conversation at breakfast that day. That morning, you know, and she said what what's going on what's going on and I heard the in of the dating relationship.

Call that the first of that in the last segment who are saying I can't get them to open up ends and I think what the married caller was saying was, I'm trying to hold back. I'm trying not to say what's here because I don't want to distance my wife from me because we got problem so I'm going to stuff my emotions and I'm not gonna say anything and boom here it is. You came out and he's frustrated I just want you did to address that whole I got a hold back. I got a stuff my emotions.

I can't express them to my spouse because of you. Whatever's going on in the relationship that usually doesn't turn out well that really doesn't Chris because the only way we can solve our differences is for us to hear each other and what is going on inside the other person and we don't know that center by looking at them. We can tell that something's going on because they're not responding in a positive way. But we don't know what that is. And sometimes we hold back because we're afraid if we start talking were going to end up yelling and screaming and putting them down and that sort of thing and we don't want to do that. We know that's not to be healthy and so we this I will this try to hold it in. So I will explode or maybe were holding it in because I feel like if I share what I'm really feeling they will take it as a putdown and then that'll make things even worse we get into another argument so obviously there are reasons why we draw back and failed to express what's going on but not what all of us need to learn is how to listen to each other and if a couple can learn how to sell you know honey if we have a problem it would to sit in here if you're struggling with something. Can we sit down and you simply tell me what's going on and I will not condemn you. I will listen to you.

I will try to understand you. I will ask you questions to clarify what you're saying because if we will learn to listen to each other like that we can honestly say okay honey I see what you're saying.

I can see how you feel that way and what what can we do about it and you can begin spending your energy talking about how can we make this better, rather than spending your energy condemning the other person but you know I say that, but I recognized by nature. We are not listeners by nature. We only listen long enough to come back and say well that's not right or no that's wrong, and we condemn each other and we get into a conflict situation.

We have to learn how to listen and learn how to talk communication is the lifeblood of a marriage is like the blood to the body. I mean if we don't learn how to hear each other and share with each other, our thoughts and feelings in process and together they were going to have struggles and I can go on forever, so learning how to listen and learning how to share in a positive way extremely important than for some couples that's going to take some counseling for them to learn how to do that others can read books in and talk to themselves and talk to each other and talk to God and ask God's help, and then they can they can move forward in a positive way. I think that's why counseling helps so much for me that third-party forces you to. It's her turn and out your return and and so you get into that.

Okay I see so much of the conflict is just simply because I'm responding to what I think I hear rather than what is trying to be communicated. So I love what you said in that last segment go to the website.

Five love languages.com you'll see our featured resource how to really love your adult child again. Five love languages.com here's our next question. It comes under the heading of boundaries and how stepping over those boundaries can affect a marriage about what the Bible says about a married man talking to my next girlfriend who is also married about 65 and 88 help me out with this.

Thank you instances know the full story of what is going on there.

Assuming this married man is her husband know that was talking to an ex-girlfriend and she says about sexual matters, and having babies. I don't know what part of having a baby.

He's talking about but obviously it appears to me that this is a wife who is perplexed by her husband's that interfacing with an ex-girlfriend which is fully understandable. I think that most of us when we get married we don't anticipate that our spouse is going to have a relationship of some kind with an ex-girlfriend or an ex-boyfriend. Now you know whether it's a one time conversation that you happen to run reach from the grocery store that's a different matter but if it's a matter of having regular conversations with a former boyfriend or girlfriend. In particular if they turn sexual in nature.

That's not a healthy sign. I would say that's a reason for being concerned.

But if you bring it out. He will probably say there's nothing to it that they'll be an explanation as to why and if it is something more than is what is appropriate.

We all tend to deny the fact that it is anything other than just a casual conversation so I wouldn't I would not accept it simply and so will this is just the way it is, would continue to ask questions about why and what is the discussion of why you feel necessary to be talking to her a bit but mainly share your own hurt, share how it makes you feel sure what goes through your mind but not in the condemning YM if you if you just simply shoot him for what he's doing verbally shoot him, then he's going to be defensive. He's going to shoot back, but if you simply share it in a kind way how this makes you feel. And the thing that really concerns you about it. Then if he has any love at all for you is far more likely to hear what you're saying and to begin to think through his behavior. Again, we can't control each other but we can influence each other honest sharing of your own perspective is a kind thing to do and if he responds negatively.

That's pretty much to me at least a sign that what he's doing probably is something that's inappropriate but at any rate that you are where you are and I would just encourage you not to not to ignore it but to try to be a positive influence in that situation. Let's say he's listening and he said there was nothing to this that I just said having kids is a good thing and it's changed me and you'll let you'll be a good mom or whatever is what is a good response rather than it was nothing. It is a what's a good response for him to say to her when she shares. Here's how I felt about this and I'm not saying you know, here's what you parrot to your wife or with the white appearance to her husband, but what is the eye I can hear the negative you know the defensiveness what's the positive thing.

I think that I think.

The response to a wife who shares her pain and her hurt over the realities talking to an ex-girlfriend. I think the responses to be honest if it was just a one time conversation then share was a one time conversation and share how it happened and went in what context. But if it's been an ongoing thing that you been having conversations on the phone or in person on an ongoing matter and be honest about it because we tweak we can't live deceitful lives, and expect to have healthy relationships so being being honest with the with the person, even though yes it's a matter of if you sell if I'm honest with her than she is no walk off and leave me well then you know maybe she walks often leisure but but we will never have a healthy relationship if were not honest about what really is going on and for him to say, I hear you. I hear what you're saying and I want you know that's not going to happen again. Yeah that would be supervised if they can honestly say that right yes okay this is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, we have time for another call before we take a break.

Let's get back to the love languages and opposites attract.

I've heard Gary say that won't, here's evidence to better understand how language are trying to create for man. Their land and remind Patrick to think and by now I'm sure will better educate our language would I I'll probably try and go out and find it and anything here and have a great love that which is often is the case that one spouse will have a love language that will be their number one and be number five for the other person so that's not abnormal.

However, it does mean that there's a higher learning curve. You have to work harder to speak the love language.

That's number five for you do three things I would suggest that maybe she has already taken the quiz online it get the sense that she at least knows about enough about the love languages to say mine is physical touching his acts of service, but there's a frequently as if you haven't taken it@ 5lovelanguages.com is one for married couples. There's one for singles. Also one for teenagers and children for that matter, but I would suggest the two of you to take that take the quiz. It's free and discuss it with each other and what is number one number two number three right on down the list that would be a helpful experience.

I think another thing, if you would like to sign up for an email that I send out every week we give you ideas on how to speak these languages and these ideas come from people like you who have called in and share these ideas with us and so we given any additional ideas on how to speak. Each of these languages and of course in the book you'll also find the helpful ideas as well because in the book we talk not only about the love languages we talk about the dialects with in each of the love languages. The dialects are different ways to speak that particular language so I think those three sources. I would suggest to you. Glad to see you're interested in the topic because I think learning how to love each other and choosing to speak each other's language is the key to meeting the emotional need for love and keeping love alive in a marriage. Is there hope for marriage that hasn't experienced sexual intimacy for years. Here's our next call I Gary, my wife and I haven't been for years.

We did not have good textbook and started dating. Now choose carnations no longer attracted to me. I just need to have a solution. Thanks, say first of all that the sexual part of a relationship is almost always tied to the other aspects of the relationship. If for example a wife does not feel loved by husband that is. He's not speaking her love language on a regular basis. She may have little desire to be sexually intimate with him because she doesn't feel emotionally connected to him that men on the other hand can have a strong desire for sexual intimacy. Even if I don't feel love by the wife because his desire is far more physically motivated and I talk about this in my book of the marriage of always wanted the difference between males and females in terms of sexuality. So I think doing some reading along those lines would be helpful for you, but I do think if we don't have a healthy relationship. In other areas of the relationship were not likely to have mutual sexual fulfillment and mutual sexual desire.

So I would say take a fresh look at your marriage.

One way to do that will be to take a book, any book, one of my books or someone else's books own marriage and read a chapter a week at the end of the week.

Each of you shares with the other one thing you learned out of that chapter and just work your way through the book and what you be doing is talking about your relationship and I'm sure you will talk about things you haven't talked about for years because the outside voice of the author of the book is coming through and you're having to respond to it. So situations like this do not go away with the passing of time and it's obvious but what you said, we haven't had sexual intimacy for years, and three more years is not all make a difference unless you do something different this year than you did last year.

So I just think working through a book will be the starting place. And as you discuss other aspects of the marriage as you read a book sooner or later the site you get around to the sexual part and by then you will of learned some things and change some things and I think you'll find that I think you'll find that the sexual part of the marriage can change but it doesn't begin. Necessarily by focusing on the sexual part. It begins by focusing on the marriage relationship and in the larger perspective he said something that was interesting and I want to get your take on this, the sexual chemistry.

He said when we first started dating, there wasn't sexual chemistry of there's a problem with that and I don't know what he means and I you can't know what he means, but what's your take on that sexual chemistry when they date. We had a crew sometimes people are talking about the strong emotional pull they have for each other. Here we call it falling in love and in every area you just motivated to be with them and any other sexual desire typically is a part of that you want you want to be sexually involved with and that's why, even those who have a guideline which I believe is important not to have sexual intercourse before marriage.

Even those people will have the desire to kiss Heather to chart a hug have the desire to hold hands. All of those things are physical in nature and related to the sexual part of the relationship so when I hear him saying is that even in our dating relationship. We didn't have a strong desire pool to physically be related to each other, but enough is using that as an excuse and just say well we were just a mismatch and we shouldn't of gotten married because that's what many people conclude when things are going well in the sexual part of the marriage, and that may or may not be what he is referring to. And maybe they did or didn't have sex when they were dating. I don't know about.

I would say this.

Those individuals who live together before they get married thinking that that is going to make things better for them when they get married. Research says the opposite straight. Those who live together before they get married or sexually intimate before marriage, have a higher divorce rate than those who do not have sexual intercourse before marriage, you can improve on God's plan, but please don't hear me saying that if you had sexual intercourse before marriage, you can never have a good marriage because that's not truly listen God will forgive us of all the things we've done wrong and he can take two people who have had a horrible lifestyle.

They walked away from God. But if they walked to God.

God can give them a wonderful relationship. Forgive the past heal the hurts and the pains and give them the kind of marriage that they wanted to have which is a loving and supportive and caring relationship God is the God who ordained marriage and he's the one who can show us how to have that kind of marriage. So I'm hearing you say that there is hope for marriage that hasn't experienced sexual intimacy for years but it may not be of focusing on the sexual component of marriage that the that fire will ignite when other things are taken care of. Is that what you're saying that I think that is truly Christian, doesn't mean that we shouldn't talk about this part we should all to be in the broader sense of talking about the whole of the marriage. If we can learn how to express love to each other in a meaningful way. If we can learn how to apologize when we do hurt each other if we can learn how to forgive if we can learn how to talk to each other. If we like to go home with as a whole lot of things that we can grow in those areas. We will of far more likely to find mutual sexual fulfillment in the relationship and I'm glad he called you know of the struggle that he's going through. He's not alone in this. We've had a lot of women call saying wives saying that my husband is not interested anymore. Obviously he is or he wouldn't of called with that question. But there are other things that physical things that happen medical things that happen that can prevent and intimacy in this way, so there that question has a lot of different answers and was sure glad you came for the conversation. If you want to give us a call and maybe ask a question along those lines. Numbers 866424 Gary 186-6424 Gary ask a different question.

Or maybe response something you've heard today and go to the website will see her featured resource the book but asked Chapman that Dr. Ross Campbell like Dr. Campbell titled how to really love your adult child building a healthy relationship in a changing world. Instead of five love languages and next week if you and your spouse have conflict about finances.

Don't miss our conversation about driving in love and a big thank you to our production team and Janice time Building Relationships with radiant ministry