Candor-Charles Causey

Is there a tough conversation you know you need to have your freight true candor in my mind is putting love first love for the other person the benefit everyone else and at an appropriate time, whereas candor on social media's visit anytime you fitting myself unloving so it's almost the complete opposite. Welcome to building a relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller the five LeBlanc today, chaplain and author Charles because he says he can learn how to speak the truth and have hard conversation if you can do it with love. That's the operative word that I have achieved find out today website. Five love languages.com seer future resource trip candor secrets of succeeding tough conversations again. Five love languages.com.

I can't tell you how important this topic is to me personally because this is a real struggle. I think not only for me family, but in the culture wanting to tell the truth same time not wanting to needlessly offend thinker director Chris, I don't think any of us want to intentionally offend people at the same time if we don't speak honestly and openly with people of the relationships not authentic and were really not loving them log seeks to speak the truth, but it's speaking the truth not to get something off my chest, speaking the truth because I believe this will be helpful to the other person so all has to do with attitude, but I'm excited about our conversation today. I am to lets me chaplain Charles Causey. He is a recipient of the bronze Star for his military service in Iraq. The author of several books including words and deeds and unbreakable forging the marriage of contentment in the light. He and his wife Lori have four children to serve in the military is a graduate of the University of Colorado.

He holds several advanced degrees formally served at the Pentagon as a senior Army chaplain for the chief of chaplains in Washington DC and he is currently serving as a command chaplain in Honolulu Hawaii rejoin exists from today's book is candor and it's our featured resource@ 5lovelanguages.com, which up because he welcome to Building Relationships. Thank you so much a you want to start out just say thank you for having me on your show. I think a lot of you and and in your books and use them in ministry so much and it's really an honor to be here.

We are delighted to have you there was a flyover of your life and how you became a chaplain of the first place in the military. Sure I was at my wife and I were in full-time ministry we were serving with crew on a university campus and then I became an associate pastor and church in rural America and ended up because I hadn't gone to great school like Moody Bible. I felt like a good salesman should know as pots and pans.

So I found myself in seminary and I was there that I came across an Army chaplain recruiter who said hey want while you sign up and join the military as a as a chaplain and so give it some thought and took him up on it so I became an Army reserve chaplain and after Samaria was a church planter. Meanwhile, Lori and I were having kids and trying to hold life together and everything that I worked out pretty well until you know the Iraqi war and then the surgeon and they just they needed chaplains were going to her three times, and I felt like wow this is going to happen to me and sure enough I got deployed over Iraq and then came back and felt the call to go full time so I've been in active duty chaplain since 2006.

Well it's exciting. I'm sure you have many many experiences in several different places during that time. Yes sir, it has been exciting. We will we told the kids we left Canada family farm in Minnesota were church planning and we totally get to see the world and we ended up just seeing the I-95 corridor for the most part. As soon as the last child graduated from high school, we got this Honolulu Hawaii assignment so they weren't too happy about Christmas and the two of your children are serving in the military you feel about that. Well, at first blush, were very honored very excited that have children that serve the country United States in the military but it's a little petrifying to be honest you know when you when you when you serve yourself you feel like well you can kinda control aspects of you know that being endangered or your Simon underthings but when you have your kids you feel like you don't have much control and can't if they were to go to war or this or that it's it's a bit to be perfectly honest and having candor. It's a little terrifying but but it is it. It's humbling because we know they're not you know the gods children and God has no grandkids and we are just stewards of them for a few years now, when you know that they know Christ and their walking with him the ultimate whatever happens there in God's hands. Absolutely. And we have to trust them for everything we do every day so that's that that's just something that pulls at your heart as you know what kids absolutely talk about today is entitled candor.

First, define that term for us for the work candor that Latin derivative that word that route is can dare a and it it's where the word candle comes from. So the original meaning of candor is to bring light on the situation.

My definition is forthright honesty and truth. So it's it's really emphasizing the truth part and honesty and in olden times. It used to mean being a gift for somebody that what you are giving them a part of yourself are a gift, a good gift when you were honest with them and no loss that in today's society.

Now the word sometimes means bullying, being arrogant, pushy. Unfortunately, where did you personally good. The idea of the importance of candor and writing a book on the topic while in the military.

The word I believe is used more frequently than it is in regular society because I've had commanders who told me Causey you owe me candor and what they mean is, you know we want the bottom line up front what's really happening here and there's kind of an expectation of that and if so, sometimes when I gave them candor. They didn't like it they said don't ever say stuff like that again. Once I know you asked me if we have candor with you, but as I thought about my military career.

My life as a pastor before he and I served for close to 10 years as a minister before going in the military I I really believe that it it's an important topic that we shy away from some we maybe hide her true emotions and feelings, and I just one morning I was I was driving to my dad's and just haven't got a quiet time in the car and I just I just felt like wow this this would be a really interesting topic to to write a paper on her book on an article on and as I was writing. I think I drew out some things I thought since this is a little more than I thought. I think I could maybe write a whole book and that's how that came up that's always amazing to me how ideas come to writers and and then interviewed. They flush out as you reflect upon topics of fourth you know about part of this whole issue of speaking the truth to another person is sometimes what we perceive to be truth is underserved church. Everybody else not to. I'm thinking right now about social media for people who are not very good but speak their mind. And then there's candor in terms of speaking what they believed to be truth, but other people don't think that is truth, and then they speak the truth. That word is all that fit in while I make a distinction in my book between societal candor and true healthy candor and success. So, societal candor, with its bullying brashness arrogance it it's I say that your your candor is either to be tied to your character or to your ego and make that the things I think it's really important because a lot of times we see on social media is kind of a bullying aura. You know this is this is the smartest position to take. Why would anybody have this position and I don't really think that's candor. I think there's other words, for it is true candor in my mind is putting love.

First, that's such an important part of candor is to do it with a loving attitude love for the other person the benefit everyone else and at an appropriate time, whereas candor on social medias is any time you knelt benefiting myself unloving so it's almost the complete opposite of what I believe true candor is fully agree with that thing. So much of what we say going on. The boosters selfishness and I'm right and everybody else is wrong and let me do anything I can to hurt the other person that with whom I disagree.

I want to talk about that talk about personal relationships, and when I hear you saying is that when we speak with candor we are sharing the truth, at least as we perceive it, because we love the person and we believe it's going to be helpful to them right yes and that that's the hard part is when you do it yet. So my four keys of candor is speak the unspoken truth with love when needed to benefit others, but it's that with love part that we really have to be circumspect and say are are we doing this with a loving attitude and a lot of times I know in my own life.

I'm not. I just want to get the truth across. So even in my marriage. Is it more important for me to be right or to protect the relationship and course the relationship is his penultimate so it's not important for me to be right today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman were talking with author and chaplain Charles Causey, our featured resource is the book candor secrets to succeeding at tough conversations you can find out more at 5lovelanguages.com that's five love languages.com chaplain Causey just before the break, you're talking about in marriage. Do I keep the relationship or do I tell the truth, and the struggle of that.

I don't want to hurt my spouse's feelings but at the same time I want to have candor. Can you can you flesh that what is that look like in a marriage. Well it's it it's obviously it's so important to be honest with your spouse. It's the most important relationship in our life. We've pledged our love life to them and in a way, we pledged our true self to them, but sometimes we try to hide our emotions or feelings are true opinions to our spouse and I've been caught in a trap and that you know Corey and I've been married for 28 years we've seen ups and downs in separations where a been in combat now gone for 14 months of time are gone for a few months for military training and it's not easy know when you come back that the families change their different people than when you left. And whereas I've kinda had Groundhog Day for a long time and just just trying to get to the root of the matter and is sometimes. I know in Lori's life in my own some of our feelings are very deep and it stirs up things baby from her childhood and I were just wouldn't even have the word sometimes to say it and I just believe it takes a lot of patience and kindness.

I think is so important when a friend I co-authored a marriage but we are so surprised how little things seem so obvious were really big impacts on marriages and princes, kindness, and we found honesty was the same way that just so many people lie to their spouse every day and don't tell him the truth and it's it's really sad because you think that's a relationship that supposed to be nourishing instead of hiding and wearing masks with each other. Does that make sense. I think it does. You know I think another part of it seems to me is having a plan on how you can speak the truth to each other because sometimes we hold all the stuff inside might be irritating us and then we just spout it all out. At one time and it turns out to be negative found and you can tell me if you agree with this or not, that if I ask for input from my wife.

It makes it easier for her to give me input. For example if I say to her honey I'm feeling really good this week and I'm open to suggestion anything that you like for me not to do that I'm doing are something you like for me to do that I'm not doing that would like like better for you. Well now I've also got myself ready to hear the truth that have given her permission to speak the truth so I don't know that well you found that helpful or what how that sounds to you know that's that's greatly I think if you are want to give candor and be honest with someone.

The flipside of that is important at the same time, the second leg of that is that you have to be willing to receive candor and honesty and truth in your own life and what what you said Dr. Thomas important posturing yourself in a position to listen to someone is just key here and I have.

We have a technique in the book candor that for especially for marriage. We call it cam communication accelerator method and it's really just allowing your spouse to speak in a repeating back to them, having them fully share their entire heart and you just repeating back not not challenging, not arguing just repeating back to them everything they said. So they feel listened to and you can just see your wife, your spouses faces light up when they really feel heard.

It's very special to them. You know that at the other thing I think that were struggling with is the idea that the ideal marriage is one that has no conflict and has no tension and if we go through struggle then and were not happy then we get out of it because the point is to be happy and did not have struggle when the real change that comes on the inside is when you work through those things and you grow closer together through the struggle you agree with that chaplain Causey. Absolutely I think conflict isn't a bad thing. I think it should be the goal of every premarital counselor, I think, and Dr. Chapman can agree with this and I'd love deer's opinion but I think every criminal counselor should try to get a couple arguing our credit interim in the sum conflict and have them play Monopoly together.

You know or be on the same team together playing because that's what's gonna happen it in real life is how you can negotiate that, you know, planning a wedding it it's it's hard.

I have two daughters getting married next week. I can speak with some experience.

It's hard but it's fun you know you're still got this just excitement of love to know just thrilled to be with the other person but actually being married. It's a little more challenging when the bathrooms and masts or kitchens thoroughly all the time or you know how how you negotiate that. So yeah, I'd I think that in an candor I think is a great tool to help you know sharing her real self to somebody how do you feel about that.

This is where my position is is is doing it with in a loving attitude and ways with the key is you mentioned the power of listening to your spouse. How does that apply with the parent-child relationship.

The import of apparent listening to the child especially to the teenager that's I bring that out in the book that a lot of times we presume to know what our kids are thinking or feeling. We've lived a lifetime of experiences and we can see how their you know cheating the truth or not being reasonable or rational, and in the way they talk in our first instinct lease for my wife and I stayed cut them off or to correct them that we notice with our children when it happens and they start shutting down is like a flower not blooming as much closing down and not sharing that. So it's really been important for us to just even though there rational sometimes just to keep getting them talking and listening to them and so I think listening is crucial which link is not to touch all the time. Like when you want to talk to them they don't feel it, but when they do want to talk yes stop everything and really listen to and familiar mind Margaret my teenage son. There was usually 11 o'clock at night you want to talk right it's not ideal. Never forget, however, the Thomas and Margaret. My son said to me as a teenager.

He said dad I'm going to do what you say I just want you to hear me and that was a wake-up call for Monday and I knew he was not being heard that he was respecting my authority as is his father.

You know, but he wanted to be heard and I think that's true of every human.

What, however, whatever age, whatever relationship we want to be heard and then we are open to hear what the other person has to say. Absolutely. That is, that this is just so important and it goes back to those tools and just really we say in the marriage conferences sit need to need with your spouse and look them in the eyes so you're not distracted. Some people try to have equivocation.

While they've got there hand on their phone. My wife is busted me on that and not as a man who already suffers with a little bit listening issues that's it's is really important for me to be looking in her eyes. Seeing her face while she was talking to me like us to the board room where you want so shared something that was truth and to some really powerful people paper more powerful than you in terms of position hotels but that experience will that's how the book opens up is me saying I have a concern and then you know you feel all the eyes on you and the anxiety there and there were issues going on in the board that a lot of good people knew were happening. They just want speaking up week after week, month after month. The night I should have spoken up on that myself. I was just younger and didn't have the courage that I have today and I finally just through prayer and can't meditation Scripture and just really believing these things wrong and needed to be fixed.

I spoke up. You know, I wrote the book that it created a cosmic discomfort. It was like a record scratch moment and that I member the Board Chairman San out with a young buck. You know, gruff, and I said I have a concern about one of the names going up for the board goes, whose name and I said actually, it's yours. And boy it was like all the oxygen in the air and puts most of the men.

They knew what I was saying needed to be said was right, so they just kinda looked down at their notes. I didn't get any support and I stated I stated my case, I said you know your great man love you but there are some things that have happened this last year that have been very challenging to the organization and that you know and what was really cool was that he allowed me to state my case he he didn't interrupt and argue with me because I I think you realize it's the things I was saying were were pretty dead on about how decisions were made and things but it was his friend and a lot of times power players in our church boss or somebody will have summary that enables them a very dominant person, but they'll have kind of a I don't if he caught a lackey here.

You know copilot that, but it was that person in the room. He's. He jumped up to his feet, cut me off any, made some unfounded accusations against other members of the board, not me, which was so surprising me. I thought I was on speaking.

He gotta be ripping me apart, but he stormed out of the room. He just left the board meeting which was really shocking and terrifying and anyway I don't know if you want to keep going for lost sleep over that. This brings up a really important point about candor. You can't go on the response necessarily talk about the inner turmoil that you went through after that. Well I didn't sleep well for days and I it was hard to eat. I usually take joy in sleeping and eating and helping my family and nothing was joyful for me. It was during the Christmas season members about mid December or early December and I just was.

Not festive mood. I felt like I was damaging the organization and we had to bring in a mediator from another city had to come and work with the board and I just wasn't. I felt turmoil, but yet at the same time I really felt like I had spoken the truth and I done in a loving way to help the organization and so and at the base of everything Chris I really felt like I was doing good and right.

I felt like the Lord was with me before that meeting. During that meeting after the meeting, but I just what I felt bad was that anklet wasn't resolved. There wasn't reconciliation yet and that's what really hurt because I felt like people in the room didn't understand fully my heart may be in and didn't know how it was alternate and the suspense of our listeners. You have to tell us how did it in well it actually the board's chairman who I was questioning some things and and also his friend Bates self decided not to run for the board the next year to leave the board. We brought in two new board members and I'll tell you it change the meetings.

I think candor when you don't have candor in a meeting it slows down a meeting because you have to question what what are people saying here what they really mean today meanness you now and it just drags it and candor speeds up meeting. So our board meetings got faster. People were able to go home at night and talk and their children have s'mores with her.

So instead of getting home at 11 or 1130 at night because of the long terrible board meeting and we planned a vision retreat for the first time in 10 years.

This organization, the leaders, when often dreamed and get their spouses involved and there was. It felt like new life and just. It was exciting to go to Birmingham because those people that you trusted and loved developing relationship with instead of you know some of the other things that can happen is you know in unhealthy boards, but I'm glad it turned out well okay have to be honest, it doesn't always turn out well right right, it doesn't. And this one potentially could have turned out poorly by guys that I've had some experiences with military leaders that having candor has turned out poorly for I met somebody turned to me with a real gruff look he was planning to ranks at a man. He said if you ever see anything like that again. You're to be fired as well. Okay, that's the message I read loud and clear. Realize that my candor was not welcome. Thanks for joining us today for Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" you can find out more about your love language or a featured resource by going to five love languages.com you can listen to the stream or download the podcast right there and link to the book by author and chaplain Charles Causey's book is candor.

The secrets to succeeding at tough conversations. Find out more at 5lovelanguages.com again. Five love languages.com because he what he thinks many people, if not most people tend to draw back from doing what you said earlier, you do it in a board meeting what keeps people speaking what they believed to be the truth in a board meeting. I think there's a a lot of factors involved, but I really think fear is the root cause of a lack of candor for many people and it's it's being afraid of saying the wrong thing of exposing myself, who I really am being vulnerable. I think there's maybe a lack of confidence that it could be mixed in there. I think there can be cynicism mixer like let's say you've spoken it before several times and it never changed. It just hurt things so you have a healthy cynicism of you know, why should I speak up, and I think a lot of meetings go that direction where you people will leave a board meeting and say what I was a dumb decision we made in their and course the next person say what why didn't you speak up insanely well.

I tried.

I never listen. But you have iterations of that then people aren't hearing. I think organizations pay huge money to get what's really happening there and getting a fresh look from you know every aspect of the organization because people aren't honest about what's happening from the lower level all the way up to the CEO. And I think there's a lot of reasons why people hold back, but fear is enemy number one of candor. I think you're right on that you talk about the myths of candor. What we get wrong about this topic. The subject well. A lot of people think having candor you have to be an extrovert or have to be really outgoing and and and and that's not true. I mentioned the book that I think introverts may be better at candor.

In some ways because there thinking through you know what they're going to say and how to get to say it and are able to do it.

You know, maybe in a different way than summary, that's seeks to hear the Presidio speaks to think instead of think, to speak on the other one is that you have to be brash and argumentative to have candor so these are all some of the myths of candor that another one is that you only do it now as infrequently as possible. If you don't want to stir the pot and I say no I think more candor the better. If you're doing it true. Having true candor then more of it is healthy, more more candor's more healthy you chose not just a matter of being honest with other people you're talking about the biblical concept of speaking the truth but speaking the truth in love. Describe how that looks well as part of an US earlier about how I came up with the idea of candor.

And in Ephesians chapter 4, the apostle Paul. It seems like talks about how to have conversation within the Christian community and I think including no families and and with your kids but he there's three different times in Ephesians chapter 4 when he addresses this in verse 15 in verse 25 in verse 29 and he says speak the truth in love.

He says lay aside falsehood and speak the truth each one of you with his neighbor, and in verse 29 it says let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but such a word is good for edification. According to the need of the moment that it may give grace to those who hear so wrapping those verses together is how I came up with the four keys it just seems like it came right out of the fees and chef Paula just keeps repeating himself in a way so I say the first key is speak the unspoken truth second key is with love. The third key is when needed. In the fourth key is to benefit others, which goes back to his giving grace to everyone in the room and I think with those keys you can't fail. I really think if if you're honestly doing that and now there is not a zero defect way that we speak and there will be times when candor is not come across as well as other times, but it's that with love. That's just critically important to have a night. I think it brings a lot more success and failure things again want to listen to get that good things are really important. The four keys to candor are speak such unspoken truth with love when needed to benefit others through one of those physically idea me ask you this. Personally was candor a part of your childhood growing up I don't think it was it as far as me having candor. I believe my parents and my I am the youngest of four kids of my my brothers and sisters were brutally honest with me all the time made me cry so there is healthy candor getting received from me and my parents that they spoke the truth to me in love in a loving way, but I believe that I didn't express a lot of candor when I grew up when I think about being in elementary school, junior high, high school and dealing with friends and teachers, and I think I was a little more insecure and tried to hide the real me and to be where masking because I just say I was a little bit afraid to be honest and that was a big part applying to be a people pleaser. Sometimes the baby in the family gets scuttled and all of that but what I hear you say, his older children sometimes are down but were all great friends today. We have a lot of relationships but it was a little arts.

In fact, there are some people in your life that come stands out in your memory who've exemplified candor for you. Yes that's right at the very end of the book in the acknowledgments. Maybe I said there was couple that Lori and I befriended there probably in their 70s when we were just getting married swear in her mid-20s and their names were Dale and Jean quiz and Barry they both passed away now, but they just had a very healthy candor with each other and with us and for instance one time Jean told me ask we had to little kids of the time at which we love to spend time with them playing cards. We did some road trips with them and they just were very good mentors and that she told me one time she goes Charles she goes your wonderful father you're a terrible babysitter like wow what is that mean but she would just drop truth bombs all the time. You know, truth fastballs and I trusted her heart was a note in a loving place and Lori and I would chuckle later. You know what some of the things Gina told us a loving couple but very honest with us if everybody had somewhere like that in the life outside the family to his close enough to observe their behavior and were willing to share those gun things we'd all be helped right I think so yeah they could do it with love for that was well how do you do that, though, is it is it a tone of voice is at the look on your face is that the trust that you have with that other person because there's a difference in being in the board room and you know be in your marriage or in parenting or with a friend of do you do you know when you see it you know we do you know what candor when you hear it.

I think that's a great way to put it. I really do because it does have to do with all the things you just described.

Is there a healthy trust that's been built and that's why with that new leadership team. I thought it was important to take it out of the board room.

Once Miss would have meetings in people's living room drinking iced tea together and talking about the day and their families. It just builds that trust before and you know some of us have had the small group ministries but when you have a meal ahead of time before the Bible study. It just breaks down those walls when you're looking at each other eyes and laughing about things and talking and it non-threatening way. Nonconfrontational way. Sometimes a board room set up is just designed for combative rhetoric, but but yeah I think I think it's just all everything what you said criticism is just a mixture of that but truly being loving and having trusting relationships is a huge part of that. But let's talk about how this works in the church setting. What role does candor play. What is it look like in a church setting. That's a very interesting question because you were called as Christians to be honest with each other and to speak truth with one another, but there are sometimes were it's almost like we will treat other Christians in the church setting likely would people on the street in a way where we would know, hide what work know how you doing today on five and in and and not really share some the deeper things going on and maybe we think those people don't have enough time to to really hear everything or that they don't care about us but I so I think what happens in society. A lot of times unfortunately happens in church were were a body were were a family and we should be able to share most of what we would share with our family with with those brothers and sisters and friends in the church.

Now I think there's a limit to that.

I don't think we need to be unnecessarily expose things that are maybe maybe too heavy that don't involve other people, but you wouldn't wouldn't be necessary to share with certain people, but but I really believe there sort of.

There is a lack of candor.

Sometimes in church settings and I don't know all the reasons for that, but I think when it's there when when churches have a healthy candor there. It's it's so refreshing and it deepens relationships and it builds trust and they're able to get so much more done when people care about each other and trust them and love them but you have to spend time together and you have to truly care about each other and that's what's hard to if you don't care about some other people.

How do you love them, speak the truth to them with love. I'm guessing that there are number of pastors who would say I think my people tell me, too many things that are wrong with our pastor.

You missed the mindfulness.

I can point your sermon or pastor but is too loud in the auditorium COGIC tone down the drums or pastor – yes I've had that happen to me you are, you know, after like you preached a pretty good sermon may be, but then somebody leaving the church and has panned you a cassette tape and says hey listen to this preacher. He does a good job, your life will thank you.

I just priests, think again it comes back visit not to the individual who's speaking these things is what is their intent is trying to get my well you have everything exactly my way or about trying to really do. I really think what I'm going to shares don't help the pastor and help the church. Maybe the setting also, you know. Sunday morning might not be the best time to share those kind of things with the pastor might be better to make an appointment to come down sometime during the weekends. Have a good talk where you can both hear and reflect with each other right, I think so too. I think you know is a pastor after the Sunday morning and some some pastors are preaching multiple times. I think they're exhausted and are in a way I wouldn't say their guard is up, but there just are. Maybe not themselves like you suggested. If the one-on-one meeting may be at at at a coffee place. The next day or two when you're looking each other in the eyes and there's not there's not a lot of people coming by trying to shake hands and do things a lot more healthy communication would take place. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" , chaplain and author Charles because he is our guest and our featured resource is his practical book candor the secrets to succeeding at tough conversations. Find out more at 5lovelanguages.com again got a five love languages.com, which up because he is this? What about difficult people.

That's the general term difficult people. How can candor build a positive relationship with someone who's a difficult person. Well, I think that having difficult people in our life. It isn't a weird thing it's it's a normal experience because we all have those opportunities take to be around people that we don't understand how Dell may be some say things in a public setting that you would never say a public setting or they'll put things a certain way that you would never set it that way. I I think that were going to encounter difficult people at the workplace and II bring on the book that there's perhaps sometimes I've been the difficult one. And in relationships, but I distinguish between somebody that you know messes up once or twice compared to somebody that is almost intentionally rude, brash, arrogant and boastful and how do you deal with somebody like that and my trustee old farmer once told me that you know when there is a bull in the room like a bull in the china shop.

You just have to D horn will have how you do that with a person goes well, it's going to be plenty of meetings can be messy, that it's not going to go over and in the book. I have discovered four different types of difficult people and one of them, or can the roosters to the another juror just there out there. There's a saying things are both staying and saying hard difficult things out loud there's others or the termites are doing things behind your back is a very challenging type of person that wants anything to face or in a board meeting or meeting, but they'll do it after the meeting and then you know there's other people that are just in the positions of leadership that aren't leading very well. I call them the wolves and then there is that I call them curmudgeons, the ones that are there to hold the trust of the history there were whatever is important to them, they won't want to change anything kind of like a wet blanket. They'll smother any good decision that happens in a meeting and it's important to do the four keys with him just like you would with anybody else's is to go ahead and speak up. The unspoken truth and the reason is, there probably you have a great six opportunity to succeed because they're likely just going in the same direction they're going in anyway you're knocking to make them worse.

But you have an opportunity to help them have a little more self reflection on how their talking others. For instance, so instead of having an emotional outburst.

I encourage readers to two say things in a loving way like to realize how you're sounding to people in the room right now and you know avoid calling somebody a name like you're being a jerk right now instead of doing that saying is this something a person of integrity would say you're the person that you know the saying we need to have characters is something that they would say asking questions I think is really helpful instead of emotional outbursts, way to deal with them, but it's not easy. I'll tell you that I do think again that it always works best if it's just the two of you, rather than in a meeting were the people around they may speak of the meeting, but if you knew the leader can take initiative to sit down with them afterwards and so I really want to hear your heart on this heard what you said. I'm not sure I understood it, you know that I just affected your respecting them to hear them out, doesn't mean they always come around but I think if we do listen. We talked about this earlier, we do listen to them and then they're more likely to hear our perspective. You know whether they agree on it or not they're more like to hear us and say okay see what you're saying that that's been my experience at least 30 years. Yes, and I think that goes back to that loving you know and are we doing it with the love, motivation, do we really care for that person.

We want the organization to succeed.

We want that person to succeed and in the back of the book. I have 22 strategies for effective candor, and Sir, you nailed the very first one speak to people in private if possible, especially if the subject matter is sensitive in nature and can be brokered without a group discussion because people you don't want to throw truth fastballs that people in public to hurt them or damage your reputation is it won't help. What role does faith play in your life and of the formation of this book well faith in my life is is everything. I feel like the Lord is everything to me and my family and God is my number one audience and that's I had written a chapter week tweaked it.

It was going to be candor in our prayer lives and we tweaked it to blistering honesty with self but my original thought there was just that if if we believe in an all-powerful, all loving God who just cares for us deeply. We would be more forthright and honest with him about everything going on in her life. Sometimes I got in the habit of just praying for other people. For my kids for the work situation, but I wouldn't go to the Lord with some the things I was doing with that day like some back pain or some no Inc. anxiousness about something coming up and I realize that I needed to speak Candor and forthright honesty with the Lord every day.

He already knows it is it is you know prayer is so important in that so faith.

Faith means everything to me and I think that writing this book.

It's it it God is God's truth and Jesus was the only one I John 114, he was full of grace and truth. He was the only one that wasn't only human, not wrapped around that the prongs of the dilemma of being too loving or too truthful. He had a perfect and a such a great great model inspiration to me to be candid with ourselves.

Well, that was the hardest chapter great and it was actually it's not my favorite chapter. I believe that we have the capacity to to lie to ourselves and not it sometimes takes the form of not listening to ourselves like what's happening in our thoughts before we will say something or make a decision. For instance, if there somebody in the room who are trying to impress. For some reason I just a challenge. The reader think to yourself, why why are you trying to impress this person. You know what what is it about it in my life that I want to be affirmed by people that are more important to me are people that are more popular than me not feel fully loved by our heavenly father or by my spouse or and just being comfortable in your own skin you know in your own shoes and and really understanding that you are fully loved and you don't have to wear a mask you don't have to use that paint a very careful portrait of myself to show other people what I thought. A pastor should have been her Army chaplain should be and I realize it a gift to them is just to be more honest and more vulnerable. But people will resonate more with her who we truly are, than with what were trying to portray them.

If, if that makes sense.

I fully agree with what you're saying home by one and I think as we understand ourselves better and are willing to be open people about our flaws as our success is therefore more likely to listen to us.

Well, our time is gone this a been a wonderful conversation chaplain. Thank you for being with us today. Thank you for taking the time to write this book and I really want to encourage our listeners to get a copy because believe all of us can profit by thinking through this topic.

Candor in her speech with others.

Again, thanks for being with us today. Thank you Dr. Is my pleasure and privilege to be initial what encouragement I don't think there's a more practical conversation that touches just about every aspect of your life chaplain Charles because he is been our guest.

Our featured resource of five love languages.com is book candor secrets to succeeding in tough conversations. Find out more. Five love languages next week just in time for July 4 holiday. It's hard dear Gary call and leave your question or comment. Now at 186424 Gary thank you today to our connection team time Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman's action in meeting radio nation with a publisher ministry and thanks for listening