Blame After Hours

This is the Truth Network coming to an infringement in the heart of a letter masculine journey after hours time to go to be more transparent on the topic covered. So sit back and on this adventure masculine journey after-hours starts here now welcome masking journey after-hours to continue to talk about the topic of blame one to begin with a little bit of a recap and so Robby can you help a little bit with this whole journey what some of the aspects we talked about the first show on blame when let listeners know right now. They didn't listen.

The first part its downfall. It is, it Darren rages vibrator there is a High Plains writer's probably more what you wanted. Was it always done the show on shaman soliciting screen shame and blame and shame is from what Darren described. I think quite well is that trying to get somebody's behavior to change by not only blaming them but giving them something to feel bad about.

And in trying to lay guilt on them in order to drive some tickler behavior to make something better, blame is where we simply shift our attention from ourselves and something that God's probably trying to get our attention for us to deal with internally ended in two, and to work on with him as part of the adventure over to you now blaming someone, but interestingly as we talked about that last clip sometimes even put the blame on herself, which is a really fascinating little study right there when you think about it is if I blame myself, and yet I'm doing that in order to take away the attention from the real situation where God is trying to get my attention about something you know it's a fascinating little story and so the you know the bagger Vance clip speaks to that and I guess you can play the we could play the bagger best and skip it if you haven't seen the movie bagger Vance you and Malcolm can understand with her nose into short-term always use this clip.

This is so much more powerful than a boot camp.

I just tell you, because you can see it and I were just having here's a short bit of it rather than for five minutes that we normally use but essentially Jenna who is a golfer.

The movie may be you may think it's about golf but it's it's really the story of life on a huge level.

Jenna was in World War I and he was in Savannah where in those days you went to war with all your buddies and so all the people are in his company were with him in a battle and unfortunately he was the only one that lived so there was nobody else to blame but Jenna and so he, rather than get comfort from God and going in and working through those issues blame himself and quit playing golf which he was a wonderful golf player. Amazing. Before the war so incomes this Holy Spirit character is what we call bagger Vance and he is going to help Jenna begin to get his swing back which is really to come back into his glory and into the way that he was supposed to be playing with God all along. In order to do that. He's gonna walk through him got a walk-in into the situation where he's hit this horrible shot and now he's faced with that situation again and only this time the Holy Spirit/Jesus, characters can walk with them through it. You had a choice. Stop stop stop walking with Rebecca where you always been convinced and still real. And remember too long ago, on notice of the decimal Mexico having come on at shadows to I guess you can plan on right here which been here all along. Again, when you come into this world blame will always keep us from finding healing and restoration. We can't focus our intention on that and focus our attention on what God's trying to do in her life.

Yet I have not really intended to share this assured on there before but you and I was working through some of the stuff with that Kim Whitehurst a great counselor here in Winston-Salem area on the molestation stuff that I dealt with as a kid, I didn't really have problem initially had a problem forgiving the person that did it, but the hardest person that I kept blaming in the whole situation was myself because I kept feeling like I should've known better and that was the hardest one to get past until I could move past that blame while I could not step into any real healing as I had to let it go ahead to say no okay no I was just a little kid and all the reasoning that my friends around the table here with would give me during that time, God had to step in and really help me let go of that and then on the backside of that I could get healing and restoration. But as long as I kept living in that self blame like Jenna was doing here. You can't rise above it. You get stock you need to skip pulled down from yeah it you and I talked about that because our stories were very similar and you and you know we knew each other for gosh, maybe just a month or two before we actually kinda opened up and talked about that and but then we shared more and more and deeper and deeper over the years and and prayed about it together and in you for meeting me for you on different occasions and and it is funny to me not funny. It it's uncanny that in Genesis 3.

The very first time that we see the result of sin.

Shame is right there at it right in Genesis 39 when God comes walking in the garden looking for Adam he knows were Adams at right aminos, but he says Adam you and where are you what, why did you hide and Adam immediately goes to shame when he says will I saw that I was naked so I hit I was afraid I had to cover myself.

I I'd I'd I didn't know. I don't understand that the emotion I don't like the emotion the emotion scares me. But, but I am ashamed of myself. I'm naked, and so I had high and so that's what we do. We feel ashamed of something that's happened to us or something that we've done in and Satan is so good at taking something like that. Something that happens to you and you at some level as an adult you, you know, or even as a young man. You know, wait a minute. That wasn't my fault that that happened to me I didn't I didn't choose that I would have never chosen that and then later on in life we do choose some sort of sin that's maybe close to that relates to it may be, you know, sexual in nature, but different than that.

And as soon as we commit that sin and Satan comes and goes. See I told you it was you all along you were the one that was broken.

You were the one that should be ashamed.

You were the one that that caused this or brought it upon yourself and so Satan uses what I call and using a lot of counseling with people is a this looks like that or this feels like that and so we experience something in the here and now and it reminds us of what we felt way back then and then Satan slams the door. You know your lock-in now you feel that you feel what it is to sin and to give in on your own.

You did give permission to this, so that must mean that you also gave permission to that way back there. You just don't remember it instead.

Satan is so good at using that shame.

And so were talking about blame and shifting blame to other people. There are things that happen to us that are definite claimable things. But Jesus says in John chapter 13 that one of the things that he wants us to do is to love one another as he has loved us and so what we have to do is ask ourselves what does that look like, what is it look like to be loved by Jesus. Well he looks beyond our blame mobile behavior. He looks to our need and any supplies that need so he looks beyond our blame mobile sin in our blame mobile behavior. He looks to our need or need his forgiveness or need is healing and then he goes to work at supplying that healing and and that forgiveness will that's what he's asking us to do to each other is to look beyond Robby's claimable behavior know that he's actually going to produce the rage in me and to look beyond that and to look to Robby's knee which is well. It's just way too much to talk about here there is that Solaris has last Robby's need is is to feel like he's being faithful, yummy his name.

His name is faithful and so he doesn't want to be pushed into a situation where he doesn't feel faithful and so if I'm pushing on him in such a way that is causing him to come into conflict with that name, which God has given him will that's that's pretty rough stuff for Robby and so if we look at that and and say okay, wait, wait, what's gathered there might be some behavior that I don't like there but what's his need and and what what can I do to help supply that need and that's what Robby was talking about earlier with regard to facing that door of pain and being willing to pick door number one. Even though it's it's painful, and to and to move into that in any way they get the enemy takes the blame and it's always to drive us away from God. Right in and hopefully eventually get us to blame God. And so I want to kinda throw the question out to the group. This is after hours.

We can share until about a time that you blame someone else to God help you work through it that you blamed yourself the get up to work through it or maybe even blame God for some stuff that help you work through and I know again that's on a topic that I've thrown out there for ETA.

The say hey let's let's work through this.

You know part of you the whole thing.

Yes, I met a man to go with the molestation. Yes, there is a blaming of a person that the did some things to me right inside work through that. There is a blaming of myself and there was some level that I was blaming God. God where were you when I was such a little boy why were you there to protect me and I go to add the great Christian counselor to help me work through that the Taking me to the feet of Jesus in helping me see he was right there with me right weeping with me as those things are going on and so you know that the enemy tried all prongs on on blame, which is often the way he get he works in's and I've given you some time to think about your your stories. Talk about a time anyone here that was talk about time you blamed our government talk about the time we blame ourselves or others or both. One of the things that hit me during that conversation is I have had such great friends. Such great family such great support throughout my life. The person I had to blame for almost everything in my life was me and that became a mode that I was always in and my yes think I have self-deprecation now you should know me 20 years ago. It was awful, but that relieves you from the responsibility for the actions you if you're blaming and that is that well-planned.

This is my story. So probably should share, but I will anyway as I still have a microphone. I had a wonderful encounter on the phone with the lady that called in yesterday.

The church was sort of a random call but and she was crying and upset and her husband had been just very emotionally abusive had been beating her up cussing her out doing things that she said you I don't deserve that and I agreed with her know you don't but we in the course of about 2025 minutes on the phone. We came around to the point of her recognizing his wounds and Robby said early in the program that hurting people hurt people and it's a cliché with the cliché because it's very true and her way out of that and she was blaming him, and she was blaming herself is not done something so well. The only person you can work on is you and if you are talking to him in a loving way it's going harder for him to jump all over you and cuts you out and it is not a reflection of what is going on in your life will who you are, based on his anger and has probably very little to do with you.

He's angry at something and your the person they can take it out on and you are also the person that can respond in a loving way. That's what Jesus is good that if you are love those that love you big deal. No, even the sinners do that but if you can love the unlovable, you can go a long way I beat Harold Harold, get it in the second but not try to read a story format. I was putting it together Sam with yours and Darren stories and going all my goodness, I never saw what Jesus did, which gets back to okay you got an addiction to pornography. There's Robby, and a pretty clear who we need to blame here FF FF unit that we also got the mix remits it clear that I was blaming myself. It really was, but after I that night that you you shared your story about your dad not stuff and I knew wow I really feel Jesus wants to come after that. And as I faced the pain right and said Jesus come support me.

Show me something. Then all of a sudden he showed me where there was something that wasn't my fault where I was actually you know duped into seeing you know this family member naked in all this that that actually started in and he was like take a look at what really took place and let's mourn your innocence together your name Robby, your innocence been lost, but you can have it back at and and I want you to have it and I want to live in that freedom.

And I think that that's a beautiful thing. I hope somebody listing will hear that wow you may be thinking. You may think that this horrible addiction that you have this place for you keep going back Jesus have only had this discussion before you know I'm back there were talking about it again. You know whatever that is. It's very likely that he can walk you into a place to show you how to mourn that and how to get back to a place where of forgiveness and a place of breaking the agreements that I'm a pervert or whatever the situation. Maybe it's definitely a hard place to step away is that blame feel so true regulars elements of truth to it, but realized that path is never going to lead to life. It's only going to lead to at least a best case some of the same behavior that worst-case death and so it's it's not going to go in the direction he wanted to go. Harold gets a miniature had problems with anger mismanagement hot temper I had road rage before they had a name for it, etc. I blamed it on my dad. My father had a problem with alcohol as those kids and no it really affected me greatly. And so all my bad behaviors were his fault. And then I realized as I get the an older person that it really wasn't his fault that I was having bad behavior and just trying to blame it on him. Yeah could have had something to do with it initially, but I didn't have to let it grow like it so dad forgiven. Definitely that the blame thing is hard to break free from his it feels like it's justified that that's really part of the issue that that whole blame thing feels like it's justified Darren when we were going through the imploding of the ministry were doing together in a nobody. We will both were really good at blaming one another yeah what was going on in and Robby on occasion. Yeah right.

But that blaming as we talked about in the other showed really didn't lead anything but just more misery yeah and separation right you know is as long as you can blame the other person, you can justify why you're not gonna have anything to do with them when you can isolate them and not allow them access to your heart anymore and so we keep blaming you know the other in that way or it also works the same way when you're blaming yourself because you not. I blame myself and therefore I need to isolate myself so that I don't hurt other people. There's been 1001 movies made about that topic. You know where the man isolates himself and keeps himself away from everybody and Nina becomes a ladies man, or whatever, but never marries that sort of thing.

Why because they're scared to death of intimacy, wireless scared of intimacy because they know that their broken and that there's something very blame a bull about their life about their heart about their nature and so they don't want to, you know, staining a long-term relationship because that'll eventually come out and it'll eventually hurt somebody and you know how all you do is turn on Hallmark for about 13 seconds and I've got a movie about that but that holds during that time, you know, my particular woundedness was that I'll step out in front. I'll take the risk. I'll get shot at, and then others will come along and support for a while and then they'll reject me, they'll abandon me, they'll get tired of my risky ways and they'll say you know she's too hard is just too painful to be in a relationship with Darren and so I'm gonna move on and then you know they'll try to do it nicely or whatever but you know it's it's still surgery will call it a procedure, but it's surgery. And so you know that living under that lie and that woundedness. So when that stuff started begin to happen will where's my enemy going to be talking. Will Darren.

Doesn't this feel the same as it's always felt doesn't mean now mean yet again that the people that you've been the closest to that you've loved better than probably anybody you've ever loved. You know, in the way of not your wife or children.

These people are not rejecting you to do so where's the common denominator and so it was pretty easy for me to begin to blame myself and say okay God yeah I probably do just need to dig a hole someplace and I in the enemy knows our stories yeah and and he will will. Looking back, he knows we've had time to go through the uncomfortable lunches or the uncomfortable weekend was spent speaking that will without a signed little gallows today to mark and do a Gaddi remark and doing what it was. It was part of the process.

Yeah right you had to go through all those painful times when you look back you can see that man he knew her story so well that he played each of us like a fiddle Elia mean he knew where to hit you where it would feel just like it always had. He knew it hit me in a you trusted this person with things that you never even had told your wife you know. Now they've rejecting and way write it in. And again it goes back to abandonment issues with me and he's his plan right against that and what you felt. The rejection I am right against that you know and that's where he would've loved to let it stay there. But that's not worse day now and in God knows our stories even better. Yes, and knows that we need to have some of those interactions and aren't that comfortable so that we can grow and get better from it.

Yeah, we talk about disruption dismantling healing and restoring all that was a huge disruption a huge dismantling of all three of us, especially an a huge healing for all three of us and now were living in the restoration process of that and that's a lot of fun. We we laugh, you know, like we've never laughed and we love hopefully like you know even deeper than we flubbed in the past with each other and were doing it in God's timing and in doing it as he leads.

But it's still more of a blessing today than it was before, And an instructor in earlier that I am faith you know that's what that's what God made me to be but what's fascinating is when the ox was in the ditch. I lost faith I mean clearly. I really did. I was like this is unfixable and I we prayed and we we worked and we tried to stay in and and all those things happen, but I also look back on now. Where I am enjoying all my goodness, yes he was at work.

He was hard at work and some things that that were really deep. That had to be addressed in all three of us and in three way relationships are just bizarre.

If you've ever been in many of them in on.

It's fascinating to me that Jesus, the Holy Spirit and God is a three-way relationship but three way relationships are dangerous things you in on Santa, yeah, but they can have it worked out their communication is better than that. It's better you know that I look at it I will get into the details of the we had even just a couple weeks ago Darren, you called me with what could've been a very uncomfortable call yeah it in on challenge me on some stuff that needed to be challenged and it Artie talked to Robby, and I don't think any of that would've been possible had the layers not been peeled back.

Yeah, the layers had to be peeled back and then there had to be a restoration time where it we all felt safe with each other where we all began to believe again Sam has my best interest at heart. Robby has my best interest at heart. And if I didn't believe that, then I wouldn't have been vulnerable enough to say hey guys, ouch, that kinda hurt, please don't do that again I would like it if you would handle my heart this way and both of you handled it extremely graceful and and merciful and yeah I and and I believe that that was God and Satan both at the same time saying not to let you hide anything anymore guys, there's no secrets.

So you go after each other's heart. And Satan wants that in the way of destruction.

God's gonna use it in redemption, blame, blame, blame, blame, it feels so good how you have it does.

I can't say that it doesn't this not going to lead you where you want to go. It's not going to heal your heart is not going to lead you to hope and restoration and in true friendship with God with others it Italy to waive village isolation lead to the path of the enemy. That's all I can really say about it. Don't blame turn to God's face of pain for God. I know you got something here for me. Help me see it how we get past the anger and move towards it. In the meantime, go to masculine journey.org register for the boot camp, July 16-19 will talk to you next week