Self-Centeredness, Part 2

Today on Senate light pastor JB Greer urges husbands and wives to love like Jesus love you deserve it exactly filling her husband sexually when he doesn't deserve it means that you love your husband way the Jesus loves you. If God only responded to your prayers when you deserved it.

Would you ever answer them. The reasons that God had to marry a disappointing jerk because he wanted to teach you to love what you I'm your host Molly benefits. Thanks for joining, you know, whenever you look at group photos automatically search for myself first to make sure I look good. Don't tell me you don't do the same thing. You see, we naturally focus on her own needs and our own desires. Nobody had to teach us that for a relationship to work.

Whether it's marriage, friendship or family. We need to love the other person like Jesus loved us today pastor JB Greer is continuing our series called home wreckers if you miss any of the previous messages you can hear them@jbgreer.com Pastor JD titled this message self-centered about self self-centeredness. The idea that you need to look out for yourself that you need to think first and foremost about your needs and what you need what you deserve, because if you don't look out for your interest in your needs, then who's going to try to show you that what may come instinctively to you else marriage.

One of the books I was reading, said that self-centeredness might be the foundational problem in most, if not every marriage. It certainly has been in mind because or something that Jesus taught. Your to see if it works it is more blessed to give than to receive. But the law of the universe, maybe survival of the fittest of the law of God is that others first by giving to others about borders about brothers. That's where you can enjoy just the second thing that has taught me brokenness trigger self-centeredness or begun.

Tonight is the gospel, which is what were going to look at more deeply. Today I want to try to show you how the gospel cures self-centeredness right is little phrase and start teaching you that if you take notes that encourage you to write down.

It is this in Christ you can give up all you have. Because in Christ you have everything you need and when I have my mind around how great the grace of God, how great is the grace that God showed me then forgiving my wife becomes actually very easy to me because I realize how much I've been forgiven up soda first birth center jackets and the gifts we give you a variation of that phrase that I think holds, whatever. Here, first served Second Circuit, first served. Second, servants really good definition of Christian marriage. I think Christian marriage. Recognizing the unmerited favor God has shown to you in Christ and showing that same type of unmerited favor to your spouse reset again. Christian marriage is recognizing the unmerited favor that God has shown to you in Christ and showing that same type of unmerited favor to your spouse is and will my spouse doesn't deserve my service. Of course I don't. That's the point. You didn't deserve it from Christ either. The world says you change the punishment God says you change unmerited favor. The way that God changed you become the very way that you begin to serve you change your spouse that is exactly what Paul meant when he said that you wash your walking washer wives with the water of the word is you wash them with forgiveness because that is what makes them clean and God's sight.

Your stamina is like look like in action. What is that you look like in action in marriage. How do we verse four look not only to our own interest, but also the interest of others in their how would you be free things that I believe we serve one another in a marriage there number one. The roles that we play with each other and secondly I'm going to talk about how we love one another on their terms.

And then third talk about sex. We serve our spouse number one and playing the role God is given us to play a marriage. We serve our spouse by playing the role God has given us to play a minute. Husbands and wives are given roles in marriage that are supposed to serve one another through words to remember Reading husbands serve wives submit is a mutually serving relationship with God for loving wives like Christ loved the church, which means you serve them like Christ serve the church CS Lewis said that the crown them anywhere in a relationship is first and foremost a crown of thorns will make a shrewd prodigal for you guys.

My wife is supposed to submit to me.

Yes, but my leadership of her is supposed to be service to which means that I need to lose about 90% of the fights that we have which I do okay guys I'll tell you this I make it much easier for her to follow me in that 10% if she sees me solving her and the other 90% is not licensed to do what you want to do its empowerment to do what you wanted to use it well. Just don't agree with that will humbly speaking you need to decide who was Lord in your life. If your attitude toward the Bible is that you take the parts of the Bible you like and you leave the parts that you don't you might really need to consider who is really in charge for some of you your problem and this has less to do with submitting a marriage, and more to do with submitting to Jesus, which is why you feel the freedom to take the parts of his word that you like and discard the parts that you don't that's your attitude toward the Bible and Jesus might be your advisor, but he is certainly not your Lord is what why can't we work on the principle of consensus.

Yes, of course, guys, you should work on the principle of consensus. If you make decisions without the full counsel of your wife. You are a moron.

Rarely do I go against my wife's counsel is only when I feel restrained by conscience or conviction that I go against her, but girls is not submission. When you only follow him.

When you're in full agreement that's not submission.

That's agreement submission implies, this agreement well by domination of the home.

Totally works for Oswego system. Don't mess with it. No, it does not. You might think that it does. But you understand it, does the damage it does to a child when they have a daddy who is not leading because they get one picture the fatherhood of God and their parents and only boys could be nice and their view of God is going to be formed by watching the dad and a dad who is not leading and protecting the family is a dead give them a distorted view of God is always better to obey the word of God used to be so good for your family. I was not as easy as I make it sound.

Some of you this is the way that you begin to serve each other guys you serve. Women submit is number two by learning to love our spouse in their way. By learning to love our spouse in their way to state. Really obvious here for a minute okay guys and girls in different write really different focus is always newlyweds the humor that ordinary people have at your wedding watching you guys up there – at each other like I'll sleep in life. How sweet though as they're doing this because that first your marriage. You realize that when this is not like a female version of me, let alone her version. It that's intentional. I'm the humor were my favorite Hebrew word that was used to describe the creation of a woman with eggs there can that go that's what the woman's first name was Ed's in a romantic setting word mellow is there.

Can I go what it means is same but different and it's like a contradiction, but it's the same, but there are differences. God created this differs and not a lot of those differences have been overdone. Our society there are still differences but there is a principle here that don't want you to learn because God created you differently on purpose to view were not exactly the same because of the two of you are exactly same.

The one of you would be unnecessary to God created you differently because he intends you to love differently is one of the reasons that God had male and female is loving differently. So what you learn to do as you begin to not despise the differences in Mott differences, but you begin to love across different get a lot of these distinctions are overdone or culturally defined. You don't put that much weight on them. There's been a number of books that have written that a been helpful for me in understanding my own marriage, which I would commend to you cautiously because there some pitfalls in it in them Brad Hamrick are pastoral counselor who told me that whenever he reads these books about the difference between men and women is off like I usually end up sounding like a woman. So it's not that there is never cross over is just that there are some vague generalities. One of them. I read years ago called hid his needs her needs talks about when a woman comes in a marriage. She has five major ways that she she understands love. The first one is affection. Tenderness to set one conversation conversation. I remember him saying that book that you should shoot for 15 hours of conversation a week without Paul's little on the aggressive side but you please get the point that it's in there, something that she loved to have which is usually the last thing you guys think about after you know he's come home from work is on a 45 minute conversation with with his wife, which by the way, guys. That's the point.

That's what how you were serving her. The point is not what you feel like the point is you are serving her know that this is a big deal for here's a question for you guys, ask yourself, what is it that you do every day that cost you something in your relationship. If you're not doing anything in your marriage that is costing you anything that you're not really serving her this not supposed to be about what you feel like what you want the marriage to be. It's about serving on.

He said you got affection you got conversation. The third thing he said for him for a girl was to she's really trust them to know that he keeps his promises. He does what he says he'll do the financial security and then familial security which is known that he's a good that the biggest aphrodisiac to my house be read to my kids, which is why guys I'm an expert on kids books. You can ask me anything to you all about. I knew Clifford not know. I know a big red dog. All those things because because it's a something is very attracted or what Harley does the begin to show you five things that the man usually brings to two and as expectations and remarriage. He says principal. Not surprisingly, sex checked my voice and this is different. Marriage sometimes of the girls a lot into this more than the guy is not weird some speaking in generalities, recreational companionship, somebody just enjoys being with him and playing with him attractive, she's be attractive domestic support this piece and climbed home the respect and admiration and other books about love languages Emerson. Emerson Edwards wrote a book called love and respect talk about how women and men.

Both tend to gravitate and appreciate love and respect differently. These are all books I would commend you cautiously, but my point here. The bigger point I'm trying to make with you is that serving that means learning to make them feel love on their terms. Some of the best marriage advice I got was from a guy who told me that I needed to become a student of my spouse I needed to learn what turned her on. I needed to learn how she felt love and I needed to love her not on my terms, but on hers.

That's a certain attitude toward love. The point is not you loving her on your terms terms, self-centeredness doesn't mean that you don't love, self-centeredness means you love on your terms and you don't serve them and how they understand it a lot.

I just number two is loving them on their terms years. Number three when there were none like number three by considering their sexual needs more significant than yours by considering their sexual needs to be more significant than yours. It means you have a servant attitude in the bedroom. One of the best passages on this is another one of Paul's letters that letter to the Corinthian. So if you're quick with your Bible your finger and flipping stupid. Go to first review chapter 7 chapter 7. The husband should give to his wife. Her conjugal rights and likewise the wife to her husband for the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does, likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does girls are in the grocery store. Any pictures you reran and you say stop that don't touch my reran he's got a verse he says that's not herein.

That's my reran and all printed about once a girl says to a guy say between your eyebrows.

He says why she says because that's my four head and I want to eyebrows on my four head. She says quit dress like a homeless guy when we go out. He says why this is what I feel comfortable and she says because I don't want my body dressing always got. She says I want to snuggle guys this why was she so sets and then what SportsCenter better yet would have sex while we watched. She said no.

I have authority over that body bring it over here in marriage. I consider my body to be under the authority of my wife's sexual desires.

All Paul was doing here is applying Philippians 2 serving the principal sex is taking that principle of foot washing he's bringing into the bedroom. I girls a servant like attitude toward sex means that sex is not a reward when he's earned and it's not a tool that you use to manipulate him to be what you want him to be. You say, but I just want to do as much as he wants to do it. You see conditionality in this verse by the way, if you were going to send me an email, then you need to include in it a better explanation for this.

First one I've given you don't send me an email that basically just amounts to say I just don't agree with the word of God what the word got I don't see conditionality universe. You deserve it exactly fulfilling her husband sexually when he doesn't deserve it means that you loving your you love your husband the way that Jesus loves you.

If God only responded to your prayers when you deserved it we ever answer them. One of the reasons I got had you marry a disappointing jerk was because he wanted to teach you to love like him girl says well that's all will do all the time – be reasonable.

I do not download the sermon and played every night you guys go to bed so you guys are been inspired to memorize your first verse. I realize that if your wife has different sexual desires. The one of the ways that you serve hers by taking that into account you love her like Christ loved the church, which means that she's not your toy, and that when you demand that she have sex with you on your schedule when she's tired. When you been a jerk all day when you're fighting means you are not letting her like Christ loved the church. That means if you're always trying to touch her body without having made a conscious effort to touch your heart and her soul, then you were not serving her you're using her to meet your sexual needs rather than serving her, and hurts the points you were to both have a servant attitude during sex. Verse five.

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but they come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control do not deprive each other if you do, it should only be for a really short time, and there ought to be a lot of prayer involved but elated mean girl they come to the bedroom you got on your knees are afraid to say so not to say so that's now talking about is talking about a preordained time of prayer that you said a prayer and fasting. The simple explanation of that verse is that if you're married, you should be having sex often how many times is often I don't know, but enough the qualifies often one of my spouse wants to have sex and for whatever reason I just can't handle it right now. Counsel told me one time; really help will pass on to you: 24 hour rule managed to turn down your spouse for sex that within 24 hours want to go back and fulfill that request.

If you are not having sex with your spouse often you are depriving them and you are in direct disobedience to this verse. So go home and have sex for the glory of Jesus. Okay, if you're married or not married, you cannot have sex for the glory of Jesus. Okay. Bottom line is not what about what you feel like it's about serving them. If you start listen if you started to serve each other this way it would be altogether different. I promise it's always like me with vacation member told you at the beginning how I didn't enjoy vacations what I thought they were all about me. It's the same way with sex or some of you would get out of your mind that it's all about you and you will begin to serve in the bedroom you find so much more enjoyment is this is how God designed it's more blessed to give than to receive. Thomas wrote a great book called sacred marriage in which he says quote developing a fulfilling sex life means I concern myself more bringing generosity and service into the bedroom, bringing washboard abdomens in the bed.

That means that I see my wife is a holy temple of God, not just the tantalizing human body.

This guy but with interest will do it. Just say no when they were here today and heard this message that you say no.

The patient serve them by being patient with them by forgiving leave that between them and God and let God deal with them.

You keep loving them and serving them and washing their feet and this even when they don't deserve it. To me to gloss over this is not a complex issue for many of you, it is your get some counseling and guy you want to be the guy who leads in one who leads in getting counseling to not make your wife drag you the Council as part of your spiritual leaders you recognized when the relationship is sick and you bringing you get some counseling so that we can work through this because God has beauty for your marriage but the mayor at the beauty and marriage starts with you became less and less about yourself starting to think more about serving that other person shall give you three ways you can apply. Philippians 2 serving one another in marriage the roles we play in marriage and how we express love to our spouse number three and offering ourselves up sexually to them. There are certainly others, but will do another one next week, but I think this is a good place to start. Listen, I love you guys. That's why talk about this more uncomfortable for me than it is for you. Maybe not but you know but at least I don't enjoy talking about this kind of stuff. This does not roar church anything will be less people from your church is the sermon is not something I but this is so central that you learned apply the gospel in this relationship, which is why I'll end exactly where I started this message. What is its that gives you the strength and the freedom to live this way. It's only in Christ. Most of us can't serve our spouse or anybody because were depending on them for so much we need so much useless glory from them to fill out some deep need that we have in our life. Only in Christ, can you be released from your need for approval and useless glory and recognition. Only in Christ for you given the fullness and security take your eyes off yourself to begin to serve in Christ.

I can give up all that I have because in Christ.

I have all that I need and look at the around you, dad serving like Jesus.

That's the goal you're listening to some that life with pastor and author JD Greer in a message from our series called homewrecker's to hear any of the previous messages in this study visit JD Greer.com.

These daily messages are available free of charge. Thanks to our listeners like you could give to support this ministry and when you donate today to say thanks by sending you our new book called hidden grace and surprising stories that led to a dying church's revitalization, so Jamie for the past few weeks we've been talking about the way our church present revitalized here and Raleigh-Durham will you say to all of our listeners who are shouting as they hear you talk.

Well what about my church you know will first want to tell you I've been there when I was a high school student when when I came to Christ.

I really, really burdened and discouraged with the church.

I was in because I just didn't think it's about God spirit was moving that powerfully and so I got together with two or three guys and we always met before this that the Sunday service and we just prayed we just prayed that God would send awakening to our church and have been in that situation enough, you know, Lord, why, why, why not here have also been on the other side of it where the been a part of the church that God just poured out his spirit an incredible amazing ways. How the story of the summit church pastors. It's night and start with meat planting the church. It was a church planted in 1962 and when I came to be the pastor. 2002 was plateaued declining church and and I God use the audacious faith in the sacrifice and the vision that the humility of the group about 300 members. Here are just put the mission of God first and put the gospel above all, use that to not only transform a church but through the church to transform communities that they were part of and I got the privilege of having a front row seat and we thought you know what for some a life audience. We think you would like to hear some of the stories because not only will they inspire you about what God could do in your church, but also help you understand will be more the context were preaching out of here that sometimes helps.

And so if you reach out to JD Greer.com.

We will put into your hands a this this this great little booklet that's got eight stories and eight surprising stories and Janie said let's hear from you. Be sure to get in touch today so we can get you a copy of our newest back our way of saying thank you donate to support this ministry Senate life wouldn't be possible without generosity of friends like you. Your gift truly make a difference in helping more people into the gospel for hitting pricing story dying church revitalization when you give a donation of $25 or more. You can also request about when you join our team of monthly gospel partners quick and easy to sign just call 833-5283 five 224. You can get easily online.

JD Greer.com mail your donation address JD Greer ministry, PO Box 12293, Durham, NC 27709 mile even if it's inviting you to join us tomorrow with a hot topic today justice of God and how it you won't want to miss the Thursday MetLife