Fighting, Jesus Style, Part 2

Today on Summit life with pastor Judy Greer in order for your marriage. You will in order for any relationship, you'll cross the wardroom is not of the calls is there is just is not that way, the forgiveness is not that grand the treasurer of Christ is… Magnificent. That's why small things bother you, and that's why small infractions against you are so devastating crosshatched marcher like. As always, I'm your host Molly benefits okay has the smoke detector in your home ever woken you or your kids up just chirping in the middle of the night always seems to need new batteries.

The worst times in my house in the babies nursery that we all recognize the sound of the low battery and truthfully often ignore it for a while.

If we can, but what about an all-out alarm we don't lay in bed, ignoring that right we act quickly today pastor JD encourages us to mind the smoke detectors of anger and bitterness, for they turn into fires in our relationships. Now here's pastor JD with a message.

He titled fighting Jesus style God puts on social justice. Whenever something is unjust. It goes off. You got to see it was all that's what we love, revenge movies because it's been resolved, especially if the injustice is directed toward you just feel what you please and social justice has been served right when you are repaying somebody for the injustice they did to you. You feel in that moment we authority of God repaying justice were justice needs to be to be repaid, which is what makes what Paul says in Romans 12 verse 19 so very important. Do not ever take revenge, my friends, not in the big things, not in the small things never take revenge by friends, but leave room for God's wrath because it is written, it is mine always to avenge. I will always repay, says the Lord. Possible justice will be served and because justice will be served. You can leave room for the wrath of God means you never have to take upon yourself the responsibility to vindicate the wrong that was done to you things. I realize that some of you will hear this is over the top but me to say like this, I realize that every single wrong that has ever been done to me every single wrong that is ever been done to me will be repaid in one of two places you will need to be paid for by Jesus on the cross or it will be repaid by that person in health therefore I do not have to take upon myself the responsibility to write any wrong because God is going to take all the vengeance that is necessary.

That releases me from all that malice and rapid rages just need to have it anymore yeah I hear people say sometimes that we should just forgive and forget your marriage, and I understand, what they mean. But let's be honest when you really been hurt, you can't forgive and forget is you can't forget right to be honest if somebody is really hurt you. You can fight all of that anymore. It's too painful to say that the rock that make me finish this God is in forgive and forget what God is. You know you were on the ship is all knowing there's no day that God looks back on his like what happened on the day to get anything when God when we say God forgives and forgets what we mean is that God chooses not to remember to hold that against us because Jesus is a fort on the cross for you to forgive somebody else listen is not that you forget about the wall altogether is that you choose to not remember or hold that wrong against them because you know that God will take care of it has taken care of.

The crosser will take care of it now. Vengeance is here so I can put oil that wrath you see what Paul says back in Ephesians 4 don't the sun go down on your wrath. Give no opportunity to the devil.

You see when you hold a desire for vengeance watches you actually opening the door for Satan to enter your heart because you are doing the same thing Satan did that made Satan. Satan house they became slaves. They want to be God when you're taking a role vengeance on yourself. You are wanting to play God and actually give vengeance and what that is happening is that is corrupting and destroying you and many of you are right there. You got bitterness in your heart or spouse Florida fiancé toward an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend and ex-spouse. You have heard this before that holding unforgiveness and bitterness in your heart as I try to repay another person by drinking poison yourself. You've got to let that go. You have got to say this is an issue between me and God and you have got to forgive because vengeance doesn't belong to you and you have to separate yourself from that it belongs to him. So you dig it up first command, put away all malice and wrath and hatred in order to do that you had to know where it comes from and it comes from two places one goes from idols that you worship to replace God never truly come from your desire to play God to give vengeance if you will let God be God in your life on both accounts. You will find that stuff just goes away naturally as you pulled up the roots of malice and anger and hatred and rage just put it all away letting God be God. Here's a skiers excited command.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, verse 32, forgiving one another, just like God in Christ forgave you underline that little phrase as Christ forgave you see Christianity is supposed to be the experience of being so overwhelmed by the magnificent grace of God toward you that every relationship in your life changes because of how greatly you have been loved. The first is the experience of having been forgiven so that you know that there is nothing, listen to me there's nothing your spouse could ever do to you that we compare in the slightest bit to what God has forgiven you off.

I told you this before but one of the clearest lines of demarcation in my marriage with the day that I sat in an office and a counselor looked at me and my wife and said to me, a pastor, your problem JD in this marriage is that you don't really think of yourself as a center he said theologically, you know that you're a center exhibit it's never really rip your heart and you want to know how I know that because you can't forgive your wife of the places that she's forgiven you, and that points to the fact that you don't really see yourself as a center before God as if you had any concept of how much God forgiven you up. Giving your wife a much smaller things will become very natural. He said you think of yourself and your marriage is first one he was sinned against. And then later you think of yourself a center you have to reverse that you are first a center and only secondly sinned against. And there is nothing you will ever have to forgive me of your wife or she is disappointed you that compare to the slightest bit what God is forgive you of your know why some of you find forgiveness so difficult because you don't really see yourself as a sinner is been forgiven by God as if he didn't come naturally when you listen when you will forgive your spouse, your beat you your say you're saying your sin against me is worse than my sin against God.

You really think that do you really think that I know you would say no I don't think that with the fact that you hold other people accountable for those things shows that you don't believe you haven't been gripped how much you can forgive because if you did, it would just come naturally.

Here's the other part that Christianity is supposed to be this sense of having been given such a treasure in Jesus, but everything else that happens to you, even the bad things in your life become trivial.

John Wesley, the 18th century pastor Juan Guzman on the great awakening is easily Christianity is discovering the gospel is like a man who hears that he has a relative who is left him millions of dollars and he didn't even know that all of them existed. He said so he is summoned to the bank to collect this enormous inheritance. He didn't realize was coming and he's on his way to the bank that the carriage that he's riding in one of the wheels falls off on his lot quarter-mile from the bank's was I got to get a job out of.

This particular carriage like you to back tablet for cursing to God about how bad his life is. He said no, he probably would notify just jump out of the carriage to skip the rest of the way the bank because he so overjoyed about what he is obtained that all the things that have gone wrong. Seem like they're just trivial or meaningless assist. The carriage will and I got millions of dollars is a Christian who is bothered by anything that happens to them in his life what their showings are. They've lost touch with the greatness of the grace that God has given to them, your ability to be joyful in all things is the test of whether or not you actually understand the gospel. Your ability to forgive the smallest infractions in God's sight are the test of whether not you know how much you been forgiven cannot tell you what the real issue is in some of your marriage. Listen as of the cross is so small in your lives in order for your marriage to heal. In order for any relationship to heal the crosses got to become larger, if not the crosses and there is just is not that weighty to you, the forgiveness is not that grand the treasurer of Christ is not that magnificent. That's why small things bother you, and that's why small infractions against you are so devastating. The cross has to become larger. That will do more for you than any sermon, any seminar, any book any couples counseling any weekend retreat anything. It's for the cross become larger as we fix the vertical relationship boards was just fixing themselves. Which leads me to command number three let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear calls identified in this command to different kinds of speech, if you understand the first two commands.

This will come naturally to different kinds of speech.

Watch there is a first cut of speech that tears down condemning speech and then there's the kind of speech, grace, speech that builds up your speech should be speech. Not that cuts and condemns your speech in conflict and especially marriage should always be speech that is ministering grace and literally right in just a moment, let me remind you, as we are learning this week that if there is one thing we only help when in building healthy relationships. In many ways, our relationships with others are windows into our relationship with God and we can only love others well by saturating ourselves in the truth that he first loved us. We want to help you learn how to connect more fully with them to you in our 15 day devotional called devotions for the distracted family. It comes with your generous gift to the ministry right now so give us a call at 63 552 training we can check it out@judygreer.com else get right back to today's teaching pastor Jean.

I thought different ways that I could describe this to you but I think the easiest one is good be for me to walk you through the stages of what gray saturated speech looks like right so I want you to just to start. I will write down some stages you need to go through the midst of conflict whether it's conflict at work with a friend of conflict in marriage right here is stage number one 1. Always examine your heart first. Even if you been wrong. What is your anger and rage say about your heart. Now I'm not saying that in all will will get to that, but under say the first you say why he produces kind of reaction in me as is idolatry is that's what's behind the wrath and anger and bitterness to deal with that with God you got a mind he smoked attackers are going off in your heart because those emotions are like smoke telling you that there's a bigger problem in a bigger problem is your disconnect from God. The fact that your idolatry smoke. I hate the smoked attackers in my house because it is like they continually batteries out of their babies.

I'm doing something wrong but all I do is replace the batteries in the sink and it always was like three in the morning short-circuit every morning I get up at 430 in the morning. I'm trying to figure out which one it is in reply. I hate, but I would never want to not to be there because I don't my house vampire not even know it. You got a mind he smoke detectors these emotions that point you back to a deeper problem is the problem of your idolatry.

By the way, that's what you need outside counsel in your life is what you need to be in a small group that's what you need to be connected to people to the people pointing things out to you. I can tell me conversations. Veronica and I've had with like one of our respective friends about a problem or marriage owner fits me like that's ridiculous.

You're an idiot you need to let that go because God gave us the body of Christ to help us see what was really going on in our heart is no man or woman seasons are correctly.

If you think you do that you're a bigger fool than anybody in here right at least know where your blind get help right number two overlook whatever you can you see the phrase as fits the occasion as fits the occasion means watch part of gray saturated speaking is knowing what in a particular situation is actually going to help and give grace and what's not really can help with tweezers. A lot of things you to start a comment about is you might be right about them, but they're not going to help the person of the relationship.

Proverbs versus that are dear and dear to Jenny's heart because he so bad at them. Proverbs 1911.

It is to a man's glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 1216 the vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult which one are you are you kinda like the moment you see that you been wrong here point out somebody your you're given the confrontation is that you're sometimes a wise man chosen is wise just by not just by ignoring me insult my analogy for this is always on point Dennis you play tennis your woman up and warm up. It is gonna hidden usable volley of soft bag with which others will sell at all since McKenna spices went up little bit you back and then you keep it escalated until you're like 3 feet result of the magic telling about each other. What in marriage. What happens is through this relationship of volleying enough little shots of love each other and then all of a sudden somebody little feisty with one up little English on you not spent about that are it escalates, until metaphorically were three each other. The magic found in the ball back and forth at each other, there's a way to not get in a situation is as just the first little meatball encounters, stop by the poet at the fence were to start this one again. I go back and forth. It's a man's glory to overlook an offense now that never applies to where the wrong the person is doing that is causing lasting damage to you or to the relationship or to themselves. Sometimes you got to speak up because you know that a relationship that's going to endure can have the presence of that in it is and how she got going to the confrontation do not hear from this that is person who operates the grace never confront somebody else to. That's exactly the opposite.

You see, I said speak the truth with one another and there's a lot of times in my marriage where I know that I need to confront my wife about something, but I know that if I do, it's going to be the Arctic winter for about three days in the rear household and part I'm a peacemaker and light is not organizing what I go, but I the loving thing to do is to actually confront in the say hey forgot to be able I've got to say this because this is how I'm to endure the winter because our relationship and our family is too important for me not to. Now you say will JD, how do I know the difference on one of the different three things I should speak up on things I should be quiet about.

I really can't tell you and I wish I could but there's no like fast rule with the Holy Spirit. Are you going to develop all I'll do is leave you with the words of that immortal theologian Kenny Rogers.

The secret to surviving son is knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep you how to know when to hold 'em, you gotta know when to fold them. You know when to walk away and know when to run night and that's all I got to say about that number three number three need to be practical and how you fight even be practical and how you fight again the phrase as fits the occasion means that you're mindful of when a word is going to be profitable and helpful and when it's not just because it's true doesn't mean it's helpful at the moment. Proverbs 1218.

There is one whose rational words like sword thrusts then say they were untrue. It is said that the rash with the tongue of the wise brings healing rational words or words that might be true that are not thought out not given the right way the right time. My wife and I found it helpful to bound derives our conflict into certain zones right. We know that there are certain times a day. We should never fight after 10 PM because if we start by after 10 PM. It's an end without angrier than ever. At about 430 in the morning still yelling at each other worse than when we started to recite was notified of the 10 PM work apart at all, but you should let the sun go down and around I'll get to that a minute okay will find our bedroom because it never turns out well. We don't fight when were either frozen or a bad mood. We have what we call the 24 hour rule which either of us is allowed to invoke 24 hour rule means unoriginal, but is now, but I promise you 24-hour to bring this backup now men and women. If you do this you gotta bring a backup. Otherwise you lose credibility right you bring a backup at a time when the words will not come out like sword thrust her to come out in a way that is that is healing not likely you select. The Bible said though the sun go down your wrath. I've heard that verse used and misapplied support for forcible it can't literally mean that you never ever go to bed without having resolve the situation because of me to think of it, that would mean in certain parts of Sweden you have three months to resolve an issue because the sun is ever down for three months and would be during other seasons you got two hours for the summer that you get it worked out. I guess nobody needs what he means when he says that is got to deal seriously with the rage and the wrath of the binges and you gotta get it out of your heart and sometimes 24 hours will help you separate unrighteous selfish irritation from righteous anger that's concerned about the relationship right number four. Be quick to listen and slow to speak, be quick to listen and slow to speak again as fits the occasion how you know what works for the occasion. If you told listen listening to Brad Hamrick our pastoral counselor said that most of the communication problems in marriage was biggest problems in any relationship is communication. The biggest problem he said in communication is usually not an expression problem is always a listening problem now. These reports apply to both genders, but let me just talk to men for a while and glazing listen in on this because word is worldly badness, including the Ghana stage. Proverbs 1813 he who gives an answer before he hears it is a folly and ashamed.

My relationship with my wife consists of her beginning to tell me a problem and me interrupting her telling her how to resolve that problem or why she certainly think it's a problem you got to develop the ability to be what we call servant listener servant listener will be defined as one who seeks to understand before seeking to be understood servant listener is one who seeks to understand before he or she learns to seek to be understood that Philippians to find a servant number serving as one thinks of other people's interest more highly than his own servant listener think of other people's opinions and other people's statements is more significant in their own which is 100%. The opposite of how I do in the most arguments I going to most arguments already with my point and I just wait on you. Take a breath, breath, and put in my point him up with him more than yours. A servant listener is one who jotted down doesn't interrupt whatever you interrupt what you're saying is my thoughts more important in your thoughts. Your thoughts are so stupid I mycology it in that sentence because it's just trash I'm avoiding put out the truth right here, right now I'm in interrupt you if your servant listener you want interrupt if you're a servant listener. Then if you don't know what to say. You can ask questions if you don't know what to say.

After that, you're gonna ask more questions. If you still know what to say. After that, you just repeat what the other person said not to them honestly doubt will resolve 90% of the communication problems in your relationship because sometimes what they want as a companion and the pain that a solution to the problem right sometimes it does 90% of it is I just am expressing myself to the needs of my to feel who I what I feel because they were alone this item on this in my marriage. I learned this from Delta Air Lines Delta lost my luggage on one of my trips back and I'm only a you uncomfortable with it, but I was I was mad at rage, malice, anger, clamor and slander all over my head all bound up in one so I will can build walls luggage office and I walk in there and there's this dude behind the desk is complex just below :-) and I was like I'm a liquid I'm about to go Old Testament on this guy and I'm looking at it as a my please don't please don't go to our church because it had not had before I go off and some I like hey Pastor Jenny or Mike, oh sorry about that but he did look familiar and so I just I me I just for 2 1/2 minutes. I just I just told him the way things work and that he is listening to me like a CI therapy was eggs because like a sailor plate those stupid blankety-blank are such idiots are always doing stuff like that house. I he is mad as I am about this and I totally felt better.

We really host like any starch you know this thing is computer. I know he's not doing anything and he knows that I know just typing on his computer like a I complete my anger was completely gone.

It was completely gone because in that moment he felt my pain was like dad that's awesome because you didn't do anything resolve it just all my pain that many feel that I will buy that on but I did all this now and argue airport animals. I guess my man right there. There are places in your relationship. Listen guys, she is not a problem to be solved, you personally are listening to them at night with pastor Jeannie Greer is a reminder if you've missed any of the previous messages in this series, you can listen again online Jeannie Greer.com.

I sat down with pastor JD earlier and I asked him how our newest resource sets out to meet families today right where they are and we are also distracted by the news. By the latest app on iPhone by whatever reminders come in through bar families going to hundred different directions in various activities. What we want to do is we want to help you connect easily and quickly without adding something else to your plate.

We created a set of conversation carts just cards with one question one prompt on them. That will just take the dialogue in some directions that may not otherwise go to help you with those your closest with talk about about faith and rest and what it means to trust God and what it means to to love and serve each other.

It comes along with the book of 15 devotions that I wrote around the same topics you will will will go to JD Greer.com we could start that conversation that relationship you and give you this resource and access to a lot of other things you get a suggested donation of $30 or more to tenant life you are helping people around the world died into the gospel. We are so grateful to be sure to ask for the devotions for the distracted family 15 days on relationship as well. The conversation carts when you get a fix for three 550 228-663-3520 Downey here online Greer.com Molly benefit to join us tomorrow and castigating this message on conflict writing style Thursday on some it might