Father's Day-What Kind of Dad Will Your Children Remember?

You know, a few years ago I was flying to a pastors conference and I was listening to one of the music channels on the airplane and the narrator, a fellow named John Brady told a true story that caught my attention. He told about an incident a few years ago where he was holding auditions in Los Angeles and into his studio walked this middle-aged man named Mr. Warren. Mr. Warren said to him, he said my 12-year-old daughter. All she wants to do was write music to Mr. Warren's and not listen to her music, and frankly I think it's, good but I'm a father you know and so he said what I want from you. John Brady is I want you to tell me whether or not my daughter has any real talent because if she does, I want to stand by her and help her become successful.

If she doesn't want to move on and find something else to do with her life. Well, his daughter did have talents and her father did stick with her and today Diane Warren is one of the most talented and prolific songwriters in all of pop music she's been nominated for four Golden Globe six Oscars nine Grammys and a host of other awards and so this narrator John Brady on the music channel on the airplane goes on to tell how in 1995 Diane Warren wrote a song dedicated to her day, which not only became the number one song in America but also one her Grammy in 1996 and then they proceeded to play on the airplane. This song I want you to listen to part of Diane Warren song for her father song by Celine Dion Fu mean to show she so I'm sitting at 32,000. Listening to this song and weeping.

I don't mean just a couple of teary eyes on me.

I'm bawling like a baby. I got tears running down my face dripping off my chin on take him asleep and I'm sniveling and trying to dry my eyes and the guy sitting next to me on the plane looks at me like I've completely lost my mind. I was making a total and utter fool out of myself on this airplane anyway.

When I finally pulled myself together. I started to wonder about something. I started to wonder what is my boys were ever to compose a song about me while what I want my boys to say what what I want them to write into that song and I think this is something gentlemen if your father if your grandfather if your future father did. We need to think about because I believe having a clear picture of what kind of father we want to be provide structure and definition to our fathering as dad, it gives us a goal to aim at and as we all know aim at nothing hits nothing and so on this airplane. I wrote down 10 things that I'd like to be in a song about me.

If my children ever wrote it and back in 2007. On Father's Day I shared with you three of them.

If you missed that message. I encourage you to go out to our bookstore and get the CD or to go on any of our websites is on the homepage and listen but today what I want to do is I want to come back in Father's Day 2010 and share four more things off of that list with you and I hope that as I share some of my list with you that it will form a catalyst to get you gentlemen to think about some things that you want to be on your list. So here we go number one. As a dad. I want my children to remember me as a dad who loves them on conditionally.

You know I've been a pastor now for over 30 years and I've counseled with hundreds of people. I think I've heard almost every kind of problem there is to hear and after listening to all of this, I've come to believe that the number one cause of human dysfunctionality is conditional love. You say what you mean by that will conditional love means when we perform correctly. We get love and when we perform incorrectly we get rejected and all of us as dads are prone to do this, you know, our child gets a home run in the game and on the way home we buy them ice cream they strike out three times in the game and it's a very quiet car ride going home. We do this with grades. We do it with piano recitals, we do it with the way our children dress.

We do it with the careers, our children choose and I thought often. Why as dads do we do this well, it seems to me so often, it's because we have plans for our children. We have dreams for our children. We have goals for our children to be a doctor to be a lawyer to be a varsity athlete to be a cheerleader to make the best grades and go to the best colleges and we as dads take it as a personal reflection on us if our child fails to achieve these goals.

In other words so often as dads, our sinful egos keep us from giving our children the unconditional love that they so desperately need to know a truly effective dad. With the help of God rises above this because he understands the power of unconditional love in the life of his child. When I think about this. I think about the father of the prodigal son in Luke chapter 15.

Let me remind you of the story, prodigal son takes all of his inheritance and he leaves home the goes off and he lives. Love you hello because you understand what I'm saying the blows all of the money he squanders the family fortune. The disgrace is the family name and then in absolute poverty and repentance. He turns and he trudges back home. Luke 15 verse 20. But while the boy was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him and ran to his son and threw his arms around his son and kissed his son folks. What was the message. This father was trying to send to that boy he was trying to send a message that sits on. You can't mess up bad and for me to stop loving you and this is the way godly dads love their children a godly dad may not like their child's choice of close or hairstyle or music or friends or politics or career, but a godly dad places no conditions at all on their love for that child and this is how I want my children to remember me. I want my son Justin was a teenager wrecked four cars in one year.

I wanted to remember that as I was paying the bills at the body repair shop.

It didn't affect my love for him. One iota I want my son Jamie who want to retreat when he was nine years old accidentally threw away his retainer is very expensive retainer forcing me to crawl through an industrial size trashbag full of French dressing and chocolate pudding and slimy coleslaw and cold pizza on my hands and knees looking for I want him to remember that even when I was down on my hands and knees completely inside that trashbag up to my elbows in mock that it never change my love for him. One iota and by the way, I found this phrase, Lord, I want my son John was a college baseball player.

I was outgoing and batting practice one day when he hit me in the chest with his line drive that was hit so hard it knocked me literally off my feet and almost unconscious and then as I was lying there on the ground and he ran out.

Once he was sure I was still alive standing above me, he began to tell me this was all my fault for drifting out from behind the L screen, don't blame it on him.

I want that boy to remember that as I was pulling myself up slowly from the ground. It did not change my love for him.

One iota.

Listen man.

If we can never give our child a room of their own or car of their own.

If we can never give them all the close they want or if we can afford to send them to the college they really want to go to.

They probably will be fine without all of that so long as we give them the one thing they need the most from us, namely our unconditional love and acceptance number two, five, number two, I want my children to remember me as a dad who love them enough to discipline them years ago my middle son Justin was playing Little League. He was about 11 and Brenda and I went to the game.

We were sitting on the bleachers on the third-base side.

There is team and a dozen steam was out in the field there was a little boy playing third base about the nominal 15 feet in front of the bleachers. There were, we were sitting and he was having a rough day. Brenda and I were sitting on the bleachers having our dinner, you know, crêpe the law big Mac. In our dinner and the mother of this child was sitting right near Austin. She was yelling encouragement to this little boy out on the field just right front of her, telling him that she loved him and he was doing okay and he could do it. Just trying to encourage them in his little kid turns to her from third base and says all shot off could believe it. I was told my two all beef patties understand what I'm saying and the mother said to him you just way to your father gets here and I was pretty excited about that myself tell you true.

So this dad drives up and he walks over and he comes to the bleachers and he sits beside his wife and his wife proceeds to tell them everything that just happened in all of us on the bleachers. You know we were trying to pretend like we were listening and all of a sudden this dad says to the mom. He says hey don't make such a big deal out of it okay. Believe it I thought to myself, you going to let this child tell his mother to shut up in front of all of these people and you're going to do nothing about it. You are either a coward or a wall or boat.

Listen gentlemen the Bible makes it clear that a good father has to be a confrontational father.

Proverbs 23 verse 13 says do not withhold discipline from your child, even though you punish him with the rod, he shall not die.

Now he may sound like he's Diane and she may want you to think that she's Diane but ain't nobody Diane friends. Proverbs 23 verse 14. If you punish them with the rod you will save their soul from death. Proverbs 2215 foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from them.

Proverbs 2915 the rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself like that little kid playing third base disgraces his mother so let's ask the question, why don't more fathers discipline their children will the answer is friends because it's exhausting. The answer is because it's stressful and it's intense. The answer is because it demands courage and it demands fortitude and it demands perseverance and a lot of dad just are not willing to pay that price. It's interesting that the Bible is full of examples of fathers who failed their children not because they didn't love them but because they weren't willing to pay the price to confront them and correct them.

King David, for example was a man after God's own heart. The Bible says, but he was a lousy father. He had among his other sons and a son named Adonijah to actually mutinied against his very own father and tried to steal the throne away from his dad when his dad was on his deathbed, look what the Bible says about David's relationship to this boy first Kings 16 it says David his father had never crossed him at any time by asking why Adonijah do you behave the way you do. You say will lawn the wonder this child grew up to be a problem. A exactly I want my children to remember me as a dad who love them enough that I was willing to pay the price in time and energy and effort in exhaustion.

Encourage them fortitude and in perseverance to confront them and to correct them and to hold them accountable for their own ungodly behavior. I want them to remember me as a dad who wasn't afraid to get in their faces and say not in this house. You don't not in this family you don't and not in this universe you go number. I want our children number three to remember me as a dad who help them achieve their God-given destinies. You know, in the Psalm 37 verse four the Bible says delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

In other words, the Bible says when we are delighting ourselves in the Lord God puts certain desires in our heart that fit with that direct us into his perfect plan for our life. Philippians chapter 2 verse 13 in the Phillips translation. I really like it says, for it is God who is at work in you giving you the desire and the power to achieve this purpose. See, I believe that God has a definite specific plan a destiny for each one of my children and I believe that God reveals that destiny, at least in part by the desires that he plans in their heart which means that as a father, I need to be listening to the desires in my children's hearts to their dreams and their hopes and their passions, and I need to be praying with them about these desires and as those dreams in their heart begin to take form and take direction. I need to come alongside my children the way Diane Warren's father came alongside her and I need to do is a father, everything in my power to help my children achieve that destiny. This may mean getting the music lessons, it may mean getting them dance lessons. It may mean getting them sports lessons.

It may mean getting them computer lessons. It may mean helping them get into the right camps in the right seminars and the rights, tools and the right colleges and having the right internships. It may mean helping to pay for medical school or law school or graduate school or technical school.

It means being there greatest advocate and being there greatest cheerleader and believing in them when they are not even sure they believe in themselves, but because I believe in, they begin to believe in themselves, with men this presupposes that his dad's. We are emotionally in touch with our children means that were spending time with our children and were talking with our children and were listening to our children's dreams. Believe me, man.

Your children want to tell you their dreams.

They want to tell you who they are. They want to tell you what they're hoping for the future.

It's not that they don't want to tell us, man. It's adjusted most of the time we are not asking and we are not interested in listening so I want to challenge us as men.

Take your child out once a week for breakfast. My boys and I when they were younger, we had a standing appointment. I would take him to breakfast, take your children pot parting or or or have a night out once a week or once every other week with dad go to dinner and a movie, or go out for ice cream or go to a ballgame together and when you do these things. Ask about them asked them to talk about them and listen as they talk about themselves. Number four. And finally, I want my children to remember me as a dad who let them really know who I was, you know it's interesting that Reba McIntyre also wrote a song about her dad.

It's a very different song than the song Diane Warren wrote about her father. The title of Reba song was the greatest man I never knew your some of the lyrics.

She said the greatest man I never knew lived just down the hall and every day we say hello but never touched at all. He was in his paper, I was in my room.

How was I to know that he thought I hung the moon, then the days turn into years and the memories the black-and-white he grew cold like those old winter winds blowing across my life. The greatest words I never heard. Guess I'll never hear the man I thought could never dies been dead almost a year and he was good at business but there was business left to do. He never said he loved me. Jesse thoughts. I knew you know this is exactly how I feel about my dad. My dad never talk to much about himself. Never let me into his life. Never once told me that I can remember that he loved me never shared with me any of his dreams any of his hurts any of his victories any of the past experiences of his life. Basically, my dad came and went and left me virtually nothing of himself. He was the greatest man I never knew when I came to Christ. 40 years ago, I made an oath before the Lord Jesus Christ, that with his help and with his grace I was not going to do this to my children and over the last 33 years of my children's lives. I have tried to be like saying, in the movie Avalon. If you haven't seen it you owe it to yourself to see Sam would sit down with his grandchildren and he would tell him the same stories over and over and over again about his life, his wife would come up to him and say Sam's hands and have already. It's the same origin told over and over and over again.

Sam completely ignored because he was a wise man. He understood something he understood that he was giving those grandchildren.

The greatest gift you could ever give them he was giving them himself, and I do the same thing I tell stories are told before Brenda says to me lawn Yorty told a story and I go whatever's in the bank. I'm enjoying talented in their joint listening. So what difference does it make not tell my children stories about my success and about my failure. I try to tell my children stories about my life and Brenda's before they were even in the pipeline. I try to tell my children stories about my parents and my growing up experiences that shaped me into what I am today. I try to tell them stories about what the Lord is done for me over the 40 years and I walk with him and as a matter of fact I'm even writing a biography of myself because I don't have enough time left to tell them all the stories in person. Not all plan to publish it and I don't plan to sell it. In fact, I only plan to print three copies and give them away to each of my boys because I want them to have me after I'm gone which I don't have in the case of my dad and I'm sad about that. It's tragic gentlemen.

When was the last time you let your children into your life.

When was the last time that you talk to your children about you when was the last time you shared your experiences in high school and in college in the military or as a young adult when was the last time you talk to them about what your mom and dad were like what your grandparents were like when was the last time you talked with her about your feelings and your regrets in life about your mistakes about the dreams you had about the successes you've had about some funny stories out of your life. My question is, gentlemen. If you were to God tonight. Would your children know enough about you to even compose an intelligent eulogy.

I urge you men don't do to your children. My dad did to me. Give your children the greatest gift for any father can give his children gives them yourself. It's a gift they will treasure the rest of their lives. Slow down man, the intentional take the time so that you're not the greatest man that your children never knew well and summarize for things I want my children to remember about me number one I want them to remember me as a dad who loves them unconditionally. Number two as a dad who love them enough to discipline them. Number three is a dad who help them achieve their God-given destinies and number four is a dad who let them know who I really was your father here today or grandfather here today or his future father here today I want to challenge you to leave this very same legacy to your children, but gentlemen look here. This will not happen by accident. This takes intentionality.

We must be deliberate about this, and men. We only get one run at this we only get one chance.

If he had a bad golf ball you can see another one up if you buy a bad stop, you can sell it and go buy another one.

If you buy a lemon for an automobile you can get rid of it. Buy a new car but gentlemen, we only get one Ron at being a father. So I want to challenge us here as fathers and grandfathers in future father to rise up above our selfishness and to rise up above our self-centeredness and to rise up above our laziness and to rise up above our lack of discipline and to invest ourselves in our children in such a way that when they grow up, if they were to write a song about you. You would be sealed with tears of gratitude and not filled with tears of regret and remorse.

That's the goal. Fellows really say in closing that I don't care what kind of father you been up to this point. It's never too late to change it's never too late to begin to be a different kind of father yeah you might have to go back and apologize to your children well you man enough to do that, you might have to go back and ask your children for forgiveness for mistakes, you may omissions you have okay then do it. Believe me, there is not a child I know with their father came to them.

Hats in hand saying I was wrong. I messed up. I blew it.

I let you down. I need your forgiveness. Can we tried again to we do it differently. Can we start over.

There is not a child in the world I know of who would not respond to a father coming to them like that so gentlemen doesn't matter what you've done to this point. It's never too late to do it differently. I got help us. Let's pray Lord Jesus and being a dad is tough for all the reasons we talked about today. Yet Lord Jesus. It is the most gratifying job in the universe we do with the way you tell us to, and so father, I want to pray for us men, myself and all of us here that you would give us the courage, discipline, passion, the tenacity Lord, that you would give us the vision to be the kind of dad's that you want us to be and if some of us need to go back and repair some damage give us the courage to do that. Lord help us to be the kind of dad's that when our children write a song about us.

We will tear up with eyes of gratitude for the grace of God that help the student instead of being teared up and choked up with tears of remorse Lord speak to us deeply today. Help us change the very way we live.

His father's because we sat under the teaching of the eternal Word of God today, we pray these things in Jesus name. What are God's people say what you say amen