"How To Fight Fair"

This is long Solomon and I like to welcome you to our program today. You know it's a tremendous honor the God is given us to be on stations all around the nation bringing the truth of God's word as it is uncompromising and straightforward and I'm so glad you tuned in to listen and be part of that. Thanks again for your support and your generosity that keeps us on the radio and now let's get to the word of God. There was a really interesting article in USA Today a while back for it said that one out of every five people listen to the female who got married in 1946, one out of every 5 to 20% of those people made it to their 50th anniversary. That incredible, and yet today the average marriage lasts only 7.2 years and one out of every two marriages ends in divorce. Now why do relationships break up like this today. What a marriages break up like this today will obviously there's not one single reason that accounts for all but certainly in a large percentage of relationships both in dating relationships and marriage relationships. It's because the two people involved.

Never figure out how to handle conflict successfully know what I want to talk to you about tonight's principles to fight and have fair to handle conflict in arguments in a way that do not destroy the fabric of your relationship, whether it's a dating relationship. Whether it's a marriage relationship is a lawn where did you learn all of these things, folks, I learned all of these things in the trenches for the last 24 years I have lived in the trenches with the mustard gas and the anthrax and all the other stuff that lives in the trenches of being married and Brenda and I for years didn't know these principles and verbally not physically but verbally we would slog it out. I mean she'd verbally go when I would go verbally how and we would just slug it out and finally we turned around for one day and said what are we doing this is crazy. We gotta figure out a way to handle conflict better organ to destroy each other and destroy our families so these do not come out of some course. These don't come out of some seminar.

These come out of the trench with the mustard gas and all other nasty stuff but I'm telling you they were since Brenda and I have agreed to these rules in our relationship and have lived by them.

We have seen an enormous health restored to our relationship and that's how we made it 24 years as a married couple that wanted to share with you is not magic. There's nothing profound about it, but nonetheless, even though they're simple I'm telling you, these are powerful principles that when we live by them.

They will change the way our relationships goes. I hope you'll take some notes right there ready have got six principles to give you the hope you'll take some notes. Principle number one and this may be the most important of all principle number one is that there's a big difference between a cease-fire and resolving conflict in a relationship there's a lot of difference between a cease-fire and conflict being resolved now. Lots of people let conflict stop my friends without ever resolving it.

In other words, they just kind of the Clara cease-fire and they decide were what will just go on but each one of those unresolved conflicts is like a stamp that people let you know I put in the same book and then what happens is the next argument comes up. People take up the stamp book and the goals stamp look at each other and then they lick the new stamps put in the stamp book and save the book for the next argument. Now that is not the way to survive in a relationship. The way to survive is to resolve conflict visible on what exactly does it mean to resolve: what here's how many people resolve conflict in a relationship. One of the two people. Bronson says on Somoza.

I was wrong was that said it wrong that's not resolving conflict when we are people going to be farther and they will go apologize. Okay I apologize does not resolving conflict at requiring a cease-fire.

Is it will. I was the resolving conflict, resolving conflict means three things okay number one somebody if not both.

People assume responsibility, personal responsibility for what they did and they're willing to say I did this and I was wrong. You cannot resolve conflict without somebody accepting personal responsibility. I did this and I was wrong and you gotta say it out loud with your mouth. Gotta say, you want to know I was wrong. No no no you say I did this and I was wrong.

Number two.

The second thing is you have to request the other person will you forgive me if you go lot that is so cheesy, so humiliating, so hokey, you mean you should actually stand there and say, will you forgive me absolutely, and further, another some couples a go this far, but they lead out the third step and it's the most important third step is you have to keep on saying will you forgive me until your partner says yes I will forgive you now, then you resolve the conflict. I did this and I was wrong.

Will you forgive me and then you demand a response and the only acceptable response. If you're Christian is yes I will forgive you. This is when conflict is resolved. You say you don't really do this to you absolutely start. Not only do we know what we make our children do when our children do some wrong.

They know what they gotta go through, you know, they know they have to come after say this is what I did they have to say I was wrong. I have to say, will you forgive me and then we say yes we will forgive you and then we resolve conflict, and until they've done that. The thing is not over. It is not settled and we make him go through that and we have for years. That is how you resolve conflict. Now, sometimes both of you have to do it. Sometimes you know both of you are wrong and that's okay but you gotta get to the point where the other person makes a decision and says yes I'll forgive you to understand why that's so important.

A little later. Principle number two Ephesians chapter 4 verse 26 it says, look what it says in your anger.

Be careful. You do not sin see is it wrong to get angry. Is it sin to get angry.

No.

Did Jesus get angry to insured in provosts moneychangers out of the temple. Sin anger is not sin but anger puts you right on Edward you're not careful you can sure step in the sin because it such a violent emotion such a strong emotion. The Bible says hey in your anger do not sin. I look what it says do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold. By doing that. The second principle is this. Do not let the day in the without your conflict resolved, that we just define what it means to be resolved. Right you know how to do it. So don't let the day end up without resolving whatever conflict it is that you're in the middle of Woodburn and I first got married. We talked about this principle and we decided that we would honor this principle in our marriage, and then we got married and then we leave.

You know, we had to really put this to the test and there were some days where I would literally this really happen in the early years of our marriage. Why would sit on the side of the bed and say you not get in bed. Yes I am get out the way. Oh no you not you are not getting in the bed because remember we made an agreement that we do not go to sleep to. We have talk this through and we have resolve it and somebody has admitted there wrong and somebody has asked for forgiveness and somebody has granted it so it's going to be a long night. Brenda, until we talk about this because you're not going to be in on stronger you are and is not happening.

We're going to solve this before we go to bed now. Why is that so important and let me just say that doesn't mean that you can back off during the day for a little cooling off.

I mean, you may get into the fight at noon or 5 o'clock in the afternoon and sometimes it's good to cool off a little bit before you come back a few minutes later and talk about it. Sometimes it's good to walk away for an hour to all or for more and think about it and pray about it.

A lot of times when you come back.

It's easier to resolve. But don't let the day in without resolving it. Why is that because the next day. It's harder to talk about the next day you get up and you turns into a cold war over hot coffee first thing in the morning. It's awful difficult to get back in and talk about these kinds of all of disputes and arguments.

The next day they come to get across economy, get plaque on a Matthew sleep on him all night and are not as easy to talk about and then they become one of those things that just go as a stamp into the stamp book and then they come back to get you know you settle it before you go to bed. Principle number three is when there's an argument. Stick to the ground rules and under this point I got for ground rules to give you ready ground rule number one. Stay away from words like never and always. You never listen to me when I'm talking to you what you think I'm doing right now I'm standing here stare that you heard every word you just said that's what I mean you never listen you always think of yourself first. You have never done an unselfish thing in your life. Never I've never done a single unselfish thing in my whole life never was he when you're talking like that you can't possibly make any headway. We made an agreement in our marriage that the words always and never cannot be used in an argument you and you not allowed to use him. Brenda will say you always Michael can use that word use that word. You never use that word you say most of the time, but not always, because it would people say always and never they give you no place to go. Can you ever possibly defend yourself against those words. Second, ground me. Make sure you stay on the issue if the issue was that your partner forgot to do something they promise to do talk about that issue. Talk about that issue only don't bring in 45 other issues that have absolutely nothing to do with it. Stay on the subject and talk about one thing at a time that you know arguments between couples are famous for getting off the subject he started out talking about the fact that you promise to stop and get a gallon of milk on the way home and the next thing you know you talking about what you did to her mother three years ago now.

If the issue is I forgot to get a carton of milk on the way home and let's talk about the fact I forgot to get a carton of milk and is the only thing more frightened about ground rule number three is there's no character assassination.

I can't emphasize this strongly enough.

Is that what you mean by that. Let's say I forgot to stop and get a gallon of milk on the way home okay. If that's the issue. Let me tell you arguments often go. They often skip from after saying you are so selfish you are so insensitive. You are so self-centered you are in egomaniac because I forgot to stop and get a carton of milk not nonstop for second and think forgetting to stop and get a carton of milk is an act that idea that I can apologize for shooting even think that I go get the car and go get a carton of milk but all of a sudden when you let that go over to assassination of character you are selfish you are insensitive you are self-centered you are in egomaniac you not on the issue anymore. Now your chopping away at that person's character you're assassinating their character and that causes hurt and that causes damage and that causes alienation and pain that long after the carton of milk is forgotten about your still smart and losing and bleeding from those nasty things that were said not about the carton of milk but about your character focus character assassination is unacceptable in an argument and when we get into a fight in any comment, I got is made. We start stop Brenda stop whichever we go. Wait a minute that's character assassination that is unacceptable. That is deplorable and that is not coming into this argument. We are not going there force ground rule. Finally Brownlee D is you can't bring something up once and it's been forgiven, it becomes non-admissible as evidence. Many see why it's so important to make the other person say yes, I forgive you because now when you're in a fight.

A month later, six months later and they go.

Yeah, that was just like the time you even when it well. Didn't you forgive me for that will yeah I want. Sorry that it's inadmissible as evidence of forgiven information cannot be admitted as evidence. But I want to admit it.

Well, I'm sorry the rules are, you can yeah but it applies to no-no. Did you forgive me yeah but I'm sorry I did with that stuff. That's too bad you did and it is no longer admissible as evidence goes in the foreground rules.

Let's go over him again one more time real quick ground rule number one is stay away from words like never and always ground rule number two. Make sure you stay on the issue ground rule number three there is no character assassination allowed him ground rule number four once something is forgiven, it is not admissible as evidence anymore ever again ever again, and this is why so important to get that person to say yes, I forgive you. Now principle number four okay principle number four is if somebody starts breaking the rules. There is no further discussion until they agree to keep the race you see it you got a hold one another accountable to the rules, which means that that's why it's so important for you to listing rules and agree on the rules before you get into an argument when you're still in your right mind. This is important when everybody's calm and everything is nice. We need to agree on the rules and then we need to hold each other accountable for the rules we've agreed on many times Brendan I've had an argument where I have said or she has said wait a minute, you're violating the rules when you know argument in one event, selenium violate the rules. Well, you just use the word never never use.

Never yes you did yesterday, and if you don't stop I'm breaking off the discussion and I'm walking out when you're walking out well you didn't keep the rules I walk in and we have done that both bring them onto the other one have walked out of the discussions and look you're ready to keep the rules come back and talk about it some more. You call me when you're ready to keep the rules but do not come to keep the rules were not discussed in this matter.

Here just turn to walk out the door, walk in the other room that's important.

There has to be accountability if we agree on the rules then we got a hold each other accountable to the rules and we gotta say if you're not going to keep on, we're not discussing because if we do want to say some things and