Moving From The City To The Country Saved Her Life

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This is Lee Habib and this is our American stories to show where America is the star and the American people search for the American stories podcast go to the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcast. Next, a powerful difficult story when the touches on some topics that aren't suited for young children. My name is J. Kaiser and years, from being molested as a child, raped repeatedly and beaten later in life and then having all a series of miscarriages. It was a lot that I just shoved it under the rug because that's what we do take a pill to ignore it. Go work out. That didn't help me therapy didn't help me and I just my self-worth was really, really low, so I am my own company marketing and PR firm and yet there's never there's no such thing as a vacation when you're doing your own thing and you're the boss you were constantly I would literally take phone calls or emails.

At midnight Christmas and then I would have to work people calling you with our international clients. They don't care these. I had people that they were the type of clients who would text you email you and then we did respond immediately.

You would get a phone call or they would just policy did you get my email two minutes ago. I'm responding to high maintenance clients that were very demanding and had no boundaries but I allowed them to have no boundaries. The thing about having these clients in being a PR is there's always something to push you, it's propaganda, you're pushing a product or ideology that someone else wants the public to know about and to buy into and that was my job was creating the propaganda, but listening to most these people who, and even entities and companies are just utterly shallow and here I was unlike I was like the pep what you want me to put out there what you believe about you and that's what I did, I was generating propaganda and it disgusted me. When I started realizing it, and it was a long time where asserted asking myself, what makes me happy. Why I feel so empty. This is not satisfying and I think that was one of the biggest shocks of of my life internally was realizing I don't know what makes me happy. Nothing does and then over time, of course, I would. I would focus on what it what do I do what are my daily habits. Is there anything on doing that gives me any joy whatsoever or any satisfaction or any piece. I finally came down to my morning cup of tea having tea in the process of making it my hot tea and it was Sicilian like this is less. Nothing makes me happy but tea just more of a peaceful moment where I was lost in the process of creating something I think you I know people who are coffee drinkers that have that same sort of Zen moment in the mornings when there that's there. There there moment of peace before the world comes then and so I can identify with that. But that can't be it. It was so it was kind of perfect storm of I need to do something I need to make a monumental decision on my life and 9 1/2 years ago I left a busy city life to move to rural Mississippi to try my hand at learning self-reliance, raising animals, learning skills that I hadn't had in the city.

I had no real skills. I had no ability to actually take care of myself.

I was reliant on a million other people, grocery stores, water treatment plants, electricity companies and it really bothered me and to this day I don't know why that started but it was part of it.

Part of one of the reasons why wanted to move to to this to the country.

It was the best decision of my life.

I believe it was through solitude and monitoring my thoughts that I was able to overcome. Ultimately, the traumas and the low self-worth you know when and at some point I still wasn't dealing with the traumas necessarily but somehow inside. I think that it was that was it was just processing it was just it was almost like all the knots were just slowly coming undone until I had finally it was a massive event for me that was catalyst item broken up with on Valentine's Day, which is my favorite holiday guy who had worked on me for years and filling my head with dreams of motherhood and enough IMing.

It is what it is but it was just like this perfect storm of the universe like you're going to deal with this right now. This is this is front and center. I think I was done I was. I even though I was weirdly quietly healing and really enjoy my life in some ways I had that dream of motherhood that was so strong that if I couldn't have and I can be a wife and mother who was I know one and you're listening to Judy Kaiser sure her story with us years of trauma and sexual abuse, nor did try to work through it by working therapy didn't work well for good. He ran away she ran to a new life in rural Mississippi.

Ultimately, hope, solitude, then the breakup on Valentine's Day with the man she thought she start a family with in her dreams shattered when we come back more witchery Kaiser story here. Our American sure American stories we bring you inspiring stories of history, sports, business, faith and love stories from a great and beautiful country need to be told we can't do it without you are stories are free to listen to are not free to make you love our stories in America like we do. Please.

Well American stories.com click the donate button give a little follow-up. Help us keep the great American stories coming our American stories.com need life insurance but have diabetes, high blood pressure or on exciting meds. If you're a 50-year-old male even 40 or with type II diabetes oh million dollars of life insurance may only cost you about 200 bucks a month for affordable term life insurance called term provider and speak with big blue 800-700-6898 800-700-6898 or visit Big Blue.com. Remember big lose like you these on meds to 800 768, 98 is just around the corner and that all seasonal free range of designs and materials (a family-friendly sectional modern sofa outside and enjoy the new fire pit conversations that the freshest overhaul usually has the essentials to make your home phone, functional and fabulous in-store Ashley.com today for 10 years. Verizon is provided technology curriculum and connectivity. Students like William, I met William in the six grade from the beginning he wanted to explore things so that I can put a robot I might have.

I Jimmy top coated around open my eyes and I realized now.

My class was a place of vision. She disclosed learning and we continue with our American stories and with strict Kaiser story of sexual trauma miscarriages and divorce and her decision to radically transform her life by moving from a big city for Mississippi for its return to Jake on the day of her breakup would finally change everything so it was just that particular day where everything came crashing down. I found a sonogram picture of the last miscarriage that last baby my dreams of being a wife and mother were just over just crushed and I had I had lost my faith from that first baby and it had been years of floundering and feeling like I was in quicksand then and not having faith of any kind that I just didn't want any of this anymore. I didn't if there was nothing to look forward to what was the point if I had no value.

There definitely was a point so I decided that I was going to punish God and ended all Howdy punish God can't fight him.

He doesn't show up where you can punch him in the face. The only way I could punish him listed in my own life and lease in my mind that was only way to punish him for my innocence gone for my lost motherhood for not having laws so I went down my pond and lay down.

Actually, I yelled out first.

I was yelling and saying if there's no this is all there is.

I don't want anymore. Don't know who was talking to. I think that was my challenge that was my now is my final challenge to guide your free can fix this or I'm coming up there.

I will have this out with you in person and year to pay in my dog showed up and he's a great Pyrenees and he's this giant white dog and he had like this giant white names as winter and iconic collapse on the ground crying because I just felt totally unheard and cared for totally unwanted and Luca my dog quietly SI can't do that to the stacking. I didn't hear him. Just all of a sudden he was there standing over me sniffing my face and is very quiet dog in heat, would put a little bit that didn't shake my heart and he lay down in front of me and blocked me from the water and I had a million thoughts but one was how how can I do this to him. People will take the animals they will take a dog or cat is different. People take farm animals that they'll be okay. How can I do this, will he be okay and then I thought what to be morning my babies for the rest of my life.

I don't want to be 80 years old and thinking that I missed out on the biggest piece of life. The biggest dream I had the I felt entitled to because I'm a woman. I mean there were a million thoughts and then I close my eyes and I just thought there's nobody here to hear me except my butt out loud. I said please help me I'll never forget watching the air leave my my breath leave that go out to the air and spread out you there's Luca's hair is all white.

But I see that breath and in that moment, I mean maybe one second after those words left my mouth I had this weird in an immediate sense of hope and I think it was because I for for real. I knew people always said I want to get better.

I want to feel better I like it better but a lot of times we wear that wheat that is part of our identity is that whatever victim of whatever failure of whatever it's our sorrow identity. In that moment I knew I genuinely did not want to carry this anymore and it was incredible. There was this knowing that I meant it. I meant I want to feel better. I meant I don't want to mourn my babies forever that I don't want to be.

I meant it nice dedicated to it.

In that moment and there was some sort of can only describe it as hope it was as if someone took hope and shoved it inside of me. This little light and my attention to that light my attention to that true and honest desire to want to heal, to not want to feel bitter towards every pregnant woman towards every family.

It was a horrible thing to Carrie and me, and I knew I really didn't want really didn't want to be that person ever again. I didn't want that to be my identity is what I look at it as now, and I mean that was it.

It was as if everything that I had ever gone through this just over still assessable. I can still go there but doesn't own me, it doesn't rule me. I don't I don't make decisions from not I have worth and it was in that moment people go to therapy for years.

What was what happened in that millisecond from that realization all those demons became my power.

It was as if my whole life than trying to show themselves to me. All these things happening all of these all this anxiety and all this darkness and in these demons. I've been dealing with were never my enemy.

It was me going. Just look at it.

Just look at all of these things. They can't kill you. It's over that was the most transformative powerful moment of my life and it happened in a second terrific job limits to return but no expense limit and a special thanks to Judy Kaiser for truly assuring of story. There was nothing to look forward to. She said if I had no value. There was no point I figured I'd punish God. It was winter, I walked outside, I'm done on the ground by the water and then comes Luca and then comes this moment. What was that she said about that moment. From then on she had hope and worth the story of Judy Kaiser, author of daffodil Hill uploading my life buying a form the morning to bloom dear on our American story just around the corner and all three designs and materials left on a family-friendly sectional modern sofa outside and enjoy the crisp air conversations that the freshest overhaul usually has the essentials to make your home phone, functional and fabulous in-store Ashley.com today need life insurance but have diabetes, high blood pressure or on anxiety meds. If you're a 50-year-old male even 40 or with type II diabetes. $1 million of life insurance may only cost you about 200 bucks a month for affordable term life insurance called term provider and speak with big blue with 800-700-6898 800-700-6898 or visit Big Blue.com. Remember big lose like you these on meds to 800 768, 98 for 10 years, Verizon has provided technology curriculum connectivity to students like many new list when the first students in the great learning program get exposed to this technology like this is where you belong totally changed. Change the 30 allowed leaders get the learning.com