Overcoming Emotions that Destroy - Why We all Struggle with Anger, Part 1

You know someone that needs to obtain their temper.

You have tried to help them overcome the cycle of destructive reactions and explosive responses but you just don't know how to help them. If you know someone, yourself, have an issue with a state witness that's today. Thanks for joining us for this Monday edition of living on the head with different Living on the Edge features the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram on this daily discipleship program in today's broadcast trip continues a series overcoming emotions that destroy the revealing of fact that can loosen the grip of anger in our lives with his message why we all struggle with anger appears to anger is a secondary emotion why we all struggle with anger at the start.

I can tell you story the true story unfortunately but I'm studying and I'm preaching this material for the first time ever, so all week. I'm studying studying starting.

It happens to be about a Tuesday night I'm preparing for this and all I can tell you I will give you all the details that have you ever had one of those days where you just don't beat up. I mean, you know, this phone call and this person complains you need a bad look from someone and this was planned and it didn't come through and beat up beat up beat up, the projects were going.

While this it wasn't bad. No one treated me terribly, but I had one of those moments. Inside were I just couldn't wait to get home and at our house. We ate dinner at 530 and I just made that a practice that apart from a very rare exception. We just ate together and but now and then there would be something that you know of a big meeting and so I wouldn't and so is about 9 o'clock. I'm driving home and I'm thinking I just cannot wait to talk to Teresa. I don't have anything big to say I mean if I was really honest. I want him to walk in the door to go honey. It's so good to see you had your day go.

Is everything okay. I mean, that's really, unconsciously, that sort of what I'm wanting and then Orion was sort of a real young guy back then it was about in the senior year of high school when he always wanted to, you know, play some ball or talk or goof often in any was this little you know cute girl about 1011 years old or so and so, in my mind I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna see human. I don't know what happened. I walk in the house is like 930. Stark, I mean the whole house is dark out of every had a big day a bad day and so I'm thinking Patrice is probably laying in bed quietly waiting for me to walk in to say, oh, honey. How did you think so I walk in. I'm waiting for that and I hear you know that rhythmically breathing soft okay plan a doesn't work I'm go to Plan B Ryan I mean he's 17 years old as 930 are you kid me the kit can't be asleep. What when you have a hard practice. He's gonna want Annie's already been gone. All I can tell you is I just bolted to anger was mad and I think I've been a make some popcorn. Got a glass of orange juice 45 minutes.

ESPN I work really hard today, bummed out, and now I didn't know I was mad okay I just felt something's wrong. I didn't and I went to bed some verses about going to bed when don't know you're mad. It doesn't get better. It grows, but a disconnect occurs often, you have emotional feelings and respond in ways you make no connection I had no idea so I get up the next morning, amazingly in a bad mood. Imagine that. So I like. I still remember it like I can picture right now I'm coming around the corner. As I walk out Annie's coming out of her room. 11-year-old I look in there any make your bed that I just got Annie don't talk back. Make your bed honey interesting as honey. She just got up. Look on the father's house. Then Ryan comes up a rhyme.

Yeah, it's quite time it that you do chores yesterday. I brush my teeth, I sent don't talk back to me and so I walk in the kitchen.

Teresa Jim Newsom stuff for breakfast and so what happened you putting me what happened to me for you to seem really out of sorts. What you want to finally get criticized all morning. I'm going to go to the office and literally I walk out the door now. I didn't scream I didn't yell I didn't slam the door. This is a Christian anger alright so I got I got I go and I get my car in an ice slam the door okay and I started to get ready pull out and then I'm just thinking literally I'm studying all the stuff. Anger is a secondary motion.

It's like the red light on the dashboard of your soul tells you something's wrong under the hood. Chip what he can do this. I'm thinking I'm to go get a cup of coffee and get out here Chip that's not what you're supposed to do and that's not what you tell people this weekend is it no I literally sat in my car with the car running for 10 minutes in this moment of really what's wrong now, especially for men not not to put you other guys on the hook lease for me.

It's hard for me to admit. All I feel sad and disappointed because my wife wasn't awake and give me the strokes that I really wanted that sense, like a weenie you know I feel hurt and rejected because my 17 or 18-year-old son wasn't awake to hang out with me and I don't. I can't think of a good reason to be mad at my daughter but she just is when the hall at the wrong time and and I and I sat there and I thought know what to do with this and after 10 minutes. By the grace prompting of God. I turned off the car. I went inside. Teresa looked to be like a wonderful Rounds who is coming to know and I said honey can I get just a minute.

With this you kosher I said I'm I realized I was angry. She looked to be like all rocket science, you're really really coming along. Anna and I said honestly. I came home last night. I really, really had a hard day yesterday. I missed you, and I felt really sad and really disappointed and I doesn't make sense. I felt rejected because you were asleep and you didn't do it on purpose.

I had these expectations and I had this hurt and I really needed to talk to you and your work here.

I didn't know it but I got mad but it just felt too vulnerable or like there's something wrong with me to admit that I was really hurt and feeling lonely and I bolded the anger I went to bed with that.

I just realized that the car and I went to writers of run. You didn't do anything wrong. I mean you're great kid.

I'm really sorry and Annie have a great day. Dad just is too much to try to explain that changed literally change the process of the sanctification of the work of the Holy Spirit in my life when I saw anger is like a red light on the dashboard of my car and what I realized is a lot of times what we do is we go.

Oh well.

The red lights flashing and so we stopped the car get in the trunk, get a hammer out and smash the red light. Take care that right instead of what when it's on the light of the – for what we know something under the hood is in this something's wrong in your notes. I tried to lay it out more systematically. It's easier to be angry thing to face the deeper issues of anger. Anger is not the problem.

It is the warning light came across a quote as I work through this. Then Dr. Becca Johnson. She seems to say, smarter, clearer and better. She says when I was like to pick up my son from school. I got mad at the clock the school. The traffic lights. My watch and the stupid school schedule before I finally realize the real issue.

I was embarrassed that the school secretary had to call me to come and pick up my son when a client of mine was mad at his boss. You realize that the strong underlying emotions were really insecurity and fear and not anger. When I got mad at the driver who made a virtual gesture at me. I later realized that the root feeling was guilt because I pulled out too far in traffic and put him in the in danger when he got angry at a colleague for not including me on a decision I discovered really. My anger was covering my own hurt pride underneath. If you and I are honest with ourselves and brave enough to peel back the anger we can discover it's true motivating force when people abandon us, let us down when someone doesn't come through when they feel rejected, left out, lonely, sad or sorrowful.

We usually covered up with anger because these emotions are so strong, painful and confusing anger serves as a more satisfying substitute anger artificially helps us feel in control when you're feeling out of control and falsely helps us feel powerful when we feel power lists and she goes on to highlight some common emotions that cover anger and just all I'll give you the sort of the quick version again so that you go oh, we often cover anger with when what's underneath is hurt, guilt, shame, powerlessness, betrayal, insecurity, rejection – totes feeling trapped, hopelessness, helplessness, unmet expectations and the jealousy, resentment, pride, low self-esteem, failure, sense of worthlessness, loneliness, depression worried anxiety pressured stressed-out disappointment, remorse, exhaustion, fatigue and grief I think. I mean those are real things that every human being experiences all the time in life. What I want to suggest is the great majority of the time.

That's not what comes up on your radar. You get angry some of you, though, know that angry is illegal so you stuff it and you don't even not know that those are the real issues.

Some of you stuff it for a while because you're Christian and you feel like blowing up is not very healthy then you blow up other people you're eating because you're angry some of your taking prescription drugs because you're angry some of you start off with the social glass of wine at night and I have to have two or three in your your covering stuff inside the God wants to heal and forgive and restore, we learned that we spew.

We stuff and we leak, but I want to tell you that anger is a secondary emotion. We all struggle with it. It's the tip of the iceberg. There are many, many underlying causes of anger I just read about 25 of them, but when you pull them together.

You basically can come up with about three big categories. We get angry. As a result of un-met needs and I'm gonna call that hurt you because that's what it feels.

I do still hurt. I had a need to talk.

I had a need to get connected. I had a need for someone to come through for me. I had a need to be loved when I was grieving. The second is unmet expectations of what will look at each of these individually, and I just call that frustration I expected people to be awake.

I expect a friend to be available. I expect people to return my calls. I expect people to do what they said they would do. I expect people that love me, to help me when I have a need right when they don't I get mad and so you the third underlying cause is insecurity when were personally attacked or threatened and so with that. What I like to do is I like to walk through each of those give you some biblical examples and see if we can't, here's what I'm can ask you to do. I'm gonna pray that God begins to help you have an aha experience so that from now on when you get angry you go, but this is a secondary emotion. I have bolted to anger. I wonder, is there an unmet need or hurt that I need to address is an expectation issue or was I personally attacked and I'll give you tool for each one of these and how to deal with it. So God can use your anger to help you instead of make you prisoner. So with that, let's look at hurt real or perceived unmet needs.

Notice Proverbs 19 three a man's own folly, ruins his life.

Yet his heart rages against the Lord. After seeing this people make stupid bad terrible decisions you know they drive drunk. They do all kind of crazy stuff. They blow but mates. They don't care about people and then when life falls apart.

They shake their fist to God. How could you do this to me God because it's too scary to admit their own guilt their own lack their own culpability and take responsibility for the bad behavior is an insightful what Solomon has to say a man's own folly, ruins his life. His heart rages against the Lord. Notice Proverbs 27 four it says anger is cruel and fury overwhelming. But who can stand before jealousy three pictures. Anger is as is this storm in the in's cruel but he says there's something behind jealousy is rooted in hurt. Jealousy is the fear of losing someone the rejection we feel when affection or attention or honor or money goes to someone else that we think belongs to us and when I feel that when I when I feel like what my my my kids need to be giving me this attention, I should've got credit for that and I start to get jealous.

Let me show you that biblically, let's let's look at quick picture in Scripture with regard to the whole issue of jealousy here, Joseph's brothers okay you know the story you have the youngest son at this point and the Genesis 37 to 39 is the long story and we pick it up in verse four it says that when his brothers Saul that their father loves him more than all his brothers. They hated him and could not speak peaceably to him.

So you have a father who is showing partiality, he gets the nice coat. He gets the easy job he gets all the attention you have the other brothers over here and what are they feeling they feel hurt, they feel rejected. This isn't fair. So they go to their father and say you know dad I been reading a couple good books on parenting and I just really want you to know that this type of behavior is going to be unhealthy for Joseph for us and for you as a father and what I want you to know what they do, they bolt anger and so what they do is that this is what we do.

They take their anger and their jealousy. That's the root cause out on not the object of it. But on the person who's receiving the attention and that interesting. They displace their anger to a safer object, what, why am I yelling at my kid in the hallway for not making his bed because I bolted to anger and I'm going to take it out in a safer place.

Joseph brothers the lament Psalms are you know sometime read these with a little less sanctified view of how wonderful David in the Psalms are 25% of all the Psalms are someone whining and complaining to God. You know what you know why they're so raw they don't cover up their anger. David loves God with all of his heart. Why have you forsaken me. What's the deal. This isn't fair. The enemies are this you know any king, Haydn case hi Dodge and Spears.

I don't get it. I loved you I risk my life I risk my life and I'm not doing you're going to come back in my kids and wife and everyone they been taken when I get to go fight, where are you got. I'm depressed. Why does my soul.

Why does my soul. Where is the living God, and he pours out his lament and when he's really honest with his emotions in there in almost every lament Psalm yet thou are enthroned on hi oh God, you are the faithful one, and he'll get perspective and a look back at your the one that delivered us. You're the one who's done this. You're the one is done this, but he takes the raw emotions of his anger and he gets down to what the real issues are and then he gets back and gets God's perspective and that he responds differently. Some of us don't feel like it's safe to share with God, our anger and our hurts and frustrations my my favorite passage and this one is Psalm 73. I was so bummed out. I was so mad at God in life and I made a commitment in college. After becoming a Christian to be sexually pure and I decided I was in a walk with God and that commitment meant that I ended up breaking up with a girlfriend and that I loved her, and I thought she was good to be my wife is playing college basketball and for year and 1/2 after every college game she would be at the top of stairs waiting for me and we had broken up, and time went on, is about four months later and I pray you know God will change your heart.

We get back together and all that good stuff. And I came out of the locker room hair wet. She's at the top of the stairs you know and I get to the top of the stairs and she cut looks at me and then one of the other guards on the team walks behind the two of them walk out the door and I mean I'm from that doorway to my dorm room. I was enraged God, thank you. I really appreciate how you treat your servant. I'm really glad for how you bless the guy I'm doing life the way you say and this is what I get any. I was just ready to can it if this is what you get for following you with all your heart for staying pure mate.

What God some of you him she felt that what my finances are in order. And now look what's happening.

This is not people get bailed out in this net and I did this and what happened in my husband or my wife. One of my kid someone walked out on them and you. I was faced when I came in on time and now their downsizing and I get ripped right and a member that night soon got this in fair and I was angry and open Psalm 73 and I read Psalm 73 and it says my heart was embittered.

I was like a beast before you. I was ready to give up the Christian life. I looked at the arrogant and evil, and the pride is there necklace and they don't have any pain. Everything is great for them yet. When it came to the sanctuary of the Lord I perceived there and then I got perspective, their life is like a vapor God in a moment can pull out the rug and all they have is gone and they have no future.

As for me, the nearness of God is my good.

I've made the Lord God, my refuge, my heart and my flesh may fail you the strength of my heart and my portion forever, and all I want you to see is that underneath your anger often. It really is hurt and the tool is what I call a I feel message.

I shared the treason I had a lot of struggles we went to counseling and we paid a lot of money to give you a lot of help.

Later and that we did know how so quit when I when she got angry. She closed down.

She stuffed and highly is not a good combination. And so we went to this counselor and he realize you guys can't. You know you can't resolve anger and when you do you attack each other, which is not good either and so and we did it in real godly ways of a new know we want throwers and shouters and screamers and customers. We just but you know what it just tore us apart as on a 3 x 5 card. He wrote I feel – when you – and we put that 3 x 5 card on the refrigerator and he taught us this is how you communicate your hurt. Your anger and go something like this. I feel hurt you pay more attention to the kids than me.

I feel disappointed when you don't come home for supper and don't call. I feel rejected when I want to be physically close to you and you shut down emotionally. I feel angry when you shout and yell when we talk about a sensitive issue and for 32 years that was on a refrigerator and we learned to say I feel messages to one another and got really used when he used it an amazing amazing way and I would like you to think about who might need to hear and I feel message from you. When's the last time you really got angry with someone or something and as a result of our time are ready you realize you kinda stuffed it or you sort of spewed and that really didn't work very well or you find yourself joking about the same thing you know little sarcasm little barbs and I just like you to think about what what would it be like, what's the real what's the real issue.

What's behind what really bugs you, why are you mad okay the red light. It's anger but what's underneath that. Who hasn't come through for you which one those grandkids after helping go through college doesn't right doesn't call and and you realize you just ticked off. I'm just mad who would work. You know you help them get to where they are and they made some progress in us like a you know it's like you don't exist anymore because when your friends that you used to hang out with a lot and and and and now you know in a disorder that unwritten rule if you're really close friend and you call you to call back the same day and ounce like four days or five days and you get a call. You look at email hey I got your call. Thanks I'm busy and and and there's just something that's happening inside get a statement saying something happening inside is not like you getting a pay I like to really confront you about our relationship right now. Okay coffee shop just you and me man of the Manno the woman. Oh all right. You are not responding to my email a timely manner and I feel deeply hurt. I don't think we can go there, but what would be like to have some time together and say, can we get a cup coffee and just you know say you not.

I sense little drift in our relationship, and this may sound silly, but I feel hurt after all that we've been through when I call, and I don't get a response for three or four days like to share that with you as a brother seek your attacking issue, not the person, and I will tell you when you hold that inside you know what you get resentment toward the person and then some of us will know what I will call him back when he calls me. I'll give him an email right, you know, and we start these silly games. And God wants you to know he wants to use your anger for your good anger is a secondary motion.

One of the primary causes is hurt. We see it from Joseph's brothers. We see it throughout the Psalms, and I want you to just stop right now. Okay, close your eyes, I'm gonna ask a question let's just a quick little exercise father right now. I ask you to bring to mind a person or situation in the lives of the people in this room where they have been hurt and I'd like you to right now just just practice visualizing your mind what would look like and it might be a phone call because you're too far away or but what would it look like just to say I feel hurt I feel left out. I feel wounded. I felt disappointed when you didn't invite me to the wedding when you you fill it in. You got it in father I pray that you would grant us the grace and the courage to not bolt anger but to realize that were human and as humans we get wounded and hurt and would want the wounds to fester and we don't want resentment or bitterness or anger calls a root of bitterness and many be defiled. Help us to have the courage to deliver a loving kind. I feel message to get the issue on the table and to speak the truth in love in Jesus name, ship, you're just joining us, you're listening to living on the id with Chip Ingram chips message today why we all struggle with anger is from his series, overcoming emotions that destroy this five-part series from chip takes you behind the scenes to discover the real source of anger, then how to turn that anger into a productive helpful tool for personal and spiritual growth. Anger wears many masks in this series chip explains the most common ways we express our anger and gives practical biblical solutions to help bring in those angry feelings before they destroy our most treasured relationships because the series is one of our best-selling resources.

We wanted to make it even more accessible to you while it's on the year. So for a limited time. All of the audio video talk and small group resources for overcoming emotions that destroy our significantly discounted. Whether you're looking for the small group study book the CDs or free MP3s and message notes. Ordering is easy when you go to LivingontheEdge.org and remember were always available to talk with you by phone at 1-888-333-6003 will trip the series is one I think that really touches all of us. No one is exempt from losing her temper or becoming angry. But you know some of us handle it better than others, and for that person is really concerned about their anger. But up till now has none of the courage to call it what it is about what can you suggest one day of the problem with anger is that most of us try and hide and we have been brainwashed into thinking that anger is bad. Anger is a sin and we've experienced a unrighteous anger toward us that is caused us to say I don't want to go there and I feel bad when I do go there so we mask it with things like one just really frustrated right now or we have some spiritual language. We blame other people. There's very few people that you hear is that you know what I'm really angry right now and I wonder what that means and what is God saying to me and how do I deal with it. What I can tell you is that most people deal with it in one of three ways which will develop in the next few sessions together, but the power is in getting these things on the table in a safe environment. Anger destroys your relationship with God. Anger cut you off from people anger causes you to stuff stuff and the high percentage of people that are depressed are around unresolved anger issues, and so we put this in the format of the book we have in the format of CDs or MP3s of people can listen to, but the format that is been most powerful is in a small group. Dave, I actually lead the small group through the DVD. We have a study guide were people can follow along and then process and issues and then in a safe environment. We have just heard amazing feedback of people actually seeing that anger is something God uses to change them instead of something that cuts them off from God. Another so I really encourage people to get on the journey with us. If you happen to miss any one of these programs go online and listen to them on your own and let us help you overcome emotions or destroy thanks trip will help you get to study for your small group or to help you get a group started temporarily discounted the small group resources for overcoming emotions that destroy just go to our website LivingontheEdge.org for all the details again for a limited time.

The small group resources for overcoming emotions that destroy have been deeply discounted to place your order just head over to LivingontheEdge.org or give us a call at 1-888-333-6003 will now with some final thoughts about today's teaching years.

Chip in today's program.

The big idea. I mean the whopper is that anger is a secondary emotion. You do not have an anger problem. Anger is the tip of the iceberg underneath of it.

There are three major reasons that there may be more, but there's three major reasons and we dealt with the first one talked about on met needs or when were hurt.

The second is unmet expectations and the third is is a basic insecurity issue and will deal with that are next broadcast. But when you have unmet needs you get wounded or you get hurt, and so the tool is to say, and I feel message that what we tend to do is get into Ott's insureds and demands and arguments and and I talked about the I feel message here is your application for today who in your world who in your relational network and mate child, a boss, a friend who needs to hear. I feel hurt I feel frustrated. I felt offended when you and you actually do and I feel message you might get with a friend and practice a little bit but I will tell you when you can begin to get your hurts and wounds on the table without attacking people God is going to heal relationships. Are you ready are you willing to give that person and I feel message sometime this week.

Have you considered taking on next step on your faith journey by leaving a small group maybe in your home may be at work. Maybe with a couple of friends over coffee if you're a little hesitant because you feel like you need some training. Let me tell you that we have a free online training course for small group leaders to sign up for this online training course.

Just go to our website LivingontheEdge.org and search for small group leader learn skills and techniques that will boost your confidence and help you lead well. Will that wraps it up for us today.

Be sure to join us again tomorrow as we continue our current series overcoming emotions that destroy on behalf of Chip and the entire staff Steve saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge