Relationships Under Pressure - Why We all Struggle with Anger, Part 1

Do you know someone attained the temple tried to help them overcome the cycle of destructive reactions and explosive responses but you just don't know how to help them. If you know someone yourself issue with a state witness that's today. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with shipping Living on the Edge features the Bible daily discipleship program.

This program continues a series relationships under pressure by revealing the truth that has the power to loosen the grip of your life started this message you sent solely by collision on now with this message why we all struggle with anger. Anger is a secondary emotion why we all struggle with anger have to start way I can tell you story the true story unfortunately but I'm starting and I'm preaching this material for the first time ever, so all week I'm studying starting starting.

It happens to be about a Tuesday night I'm preparing for this and all I can tell you I will give you all the details that have you ever had one of those days where you just don't beat up. I mean, you know, this phone call and this person complains you need a bad look from someone and this was planned and it didn't come through and beat up beat up beat up, the projects were going well.

This wasn't bad. No one treated me terribly, but I had one of those moments. Inside were I just couldn't wait to get home and at our house. We ate dinner at 530 and I just made that a practice that apart from a very rare exception.

We just ate together and but now and then there would be something that you know of a big meeting and so I wouldn't and so is about 9 o'clock. I'm driving home and I'm thinking I just cannot wait to talk to Teresa. I don't have anything big to say I mean if I was really honest. I want him to walk in the door to go honey is so good to see you had your day go. Is everything okay. I mean, that's really, unconsciously, that sort of what I'm wanting and then Orion was sort of a real young guy back then it was about in the senior year of high school when he was wanted to, you know, play some ball or talk or goof often in any was this little you know cute girl about 1011 years old or so and so, in my mind I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna see human. I don't know what happened.

I walk in the house is like 930 dark, I mean the whole house is dark out of every had a big day a bad day and so I'm thinking Patrice is probably laying in bed quietly waiting for me to walk in to say, oh, honey. How did you think so I walk in. I'm waiting for that and I hear unit rhythmically breathing soft okay plan a doesn't work I'm go to Plan B Ryan I mean he's 17 years old as 930 are you kid me. The kid can't be asleep. What when you have a hard practice. He's gonna want Annie's already been gone. All I can tell you is I just bolted to anger. I was mad and I think I've been to make some popcorn. Got a glass of orange juice 45 minutes. ESPN I work really hard today, bummed out, and now I didn't know I was mad okay I just felt something's wrong. I didn't and I went to bed some verses about going to bed when don't know you're mad. It doesn't get better. It grows, but a disconnect occurs often, you have emotional feelings respond in ways you make no connection I had no idea so I get up the next morning, amazingly in a bad mood.

Imagine that.

So I can still remember like I can picture right now I'm coming around the corner. As I walk out Annie's coming out of her room.

11-year-old I look in there any make your bed that I just got Annie don't talk back. Make your bed honey interesting as honey.

She just got up. Look on the father's house. Then Ryan comes up a rhyme yet. It's quite time it that you do chores yesterday. I brush my teeth, I sent don't talk back to me and so I walk in the kitchen.

Teresa can do some stuff for breakfast and so what happened you putting me what happened to me for you to sing really out of sorts.

What you want to finally get criticized all morning. I'm going to go to the office and literally I walk out the door now.

I didn't scream I didn't yell I didn't slam the door. This is a Christian anger alright so I got I got I go and I get my car and an ice slam the door okay and I started to get ready pull out and then I'm just thinking literally I'm studying all the stuff. Anger is a secondary motion. It's like the red light on the dashboard of your soul tells you something is wrong under the hood chip what you can do this. I'm thinking I'm to go get a cup of coffee and get out here chip that's not what you're supposed to do and that's not what you tell people this weekend is it no I literally sat in my car with the car running for 10 minutes in this moment of really what's wrong now, especially for men not not to put you other guys on the hook lease for me. It's hard for me to admit. All I feel sad and disappointed because my wife wasn't awake and give me the strokes that I really wanted that sense, like a weenie. Now I feel hurt and rejected because my 17 or 18-year-old son wasn't awake to hang out with me and I don't. I can't think of a good reason to be mad at my daughter but she just is in the hall at the wrong time and and I and I sat there and I thought know what to do with this and after 10 minutes. By the grace prompting of God.

I turned off the car. I went inside.

Teresa look to be like a wonderful Rounds who is coming to know and I said honey can I get just a minute. With this you kosher I said I'm I realized I was angry.

She looked like a whole rocket science, you're really really coming along. Anna and I said honestly.

I came home last night. I really, really had a hard day yesterday. I missed you, and I felt really sad and really disappointed and I doesn't make sense. I felt rejected because you were asleep and you didn't do it on purpose. I had these expectations and I had this hurt and I really needed to talk to you and you weren't here I didn't know it but I got mad but it it it it just felt too vulnerable or like there's something wrong with me to admit that I was really hurt and feeling lonely and I bolded the anger I went to bed with that. I just realized that the car and I went to writers of run. You didn't do anything wrong.

I mean you're great kid. I'm really sorry and Annie have a great day. Dad just is too much to try to explain that changed literally change the process of the sanctification of the work of the Holy Spirit in my life when I saw anger is like a red light on the dashboard of my car and what I realized is a lot of times what we do is we go. Oh well. The red lights flashing and so we stopped the car get in the trunk, get a hammer out and smash the red light. Take care that right instead of what we when it's on the light of the – for what we know something under the hood is in this something's wrong in your notes. I tried to lay it out more systematically. It's easier to be angry thing to face the deeper issues of anger.

Anger is not the problem. It is the warning light. We often cover anger with when what's underneath is hurt, guilt, shame, powerlessness, betrayal, insecurity, rejection – hopes feeling trapped, hopelessness, helplessness, unmet expectations and the jealousy, resentment, pride, low self-esteem, failure, sense of worthlessness, loneliness, depression worried anxiety pressured stressed-out disappointment, remorse, exhaustion, fatigue and grief I think. I mean those are real things that every human being experiences all the time in life.

What I want to suggest is the great majority of the time.

That's not what comes up on your radar. You get angry some of you, though, know that angry is illegal so you stuff it and you don't even not know that those are the real issues. Some of you stuff it for a while because you're Christian and you feel like blowing up is not very healthy then you blow up other people you're eating because you're angry some of your taking prescription drugs because you're angry some of you start off with the social glass of wine at night and I have to have two or three in your your covering stuff inside the God wants to heal and forgive and restore, we learned that we spew. We stuff and we leak, but I want to tell you that anger is a secondary emotion. We all struggle with it. It's the tip of the iceberg. There are many, many underlying causes of anger I just read about 25 of them, but when you pull them together.

You basically can come up with about three big categories. We get angry. As a result of on met needs and I'm got a call that hurt you because that's what it feels like it is still hurt. I had a need to talk. I had a need to get connected. I had a need for someone to come through for me.

I had a need to be loved when I was grieving. The second is unmet expectations of what will look at each of these individually, and I just call that frustration I expected people to be awake.

I expect a friend to be available. I expect people to return my calls. I expect people to do what they said they would do. I expect people that love me, to help me when I have a need right when they don't I get mad and so you the third underlying cause is insecurity when were personally attacked or threatened and so with that.

What I like to do is I like to walk through each of those give you some biblical examples and I'll give you tool for each one of these and how to deal with it. So God can use your anger to help you instead of make you prisoner.

So with that, let's look at hurt real or perceived unmet needs.

Notice Proverbs 19 three a man's own folly, ruins his life. Yet his heart rages against the Lord. After seeing this people make stupid bad terrible decisions. And then when life falls apart. They shake their fist to God.

How could you do this to me God because it's too scary to admit their own guilt their own lack their own culpability and take responsibility for the bad behavior.

Notice Proverbs 27 four it says anger is cruel and fury overwhelming. But who can stand before jealousy three pictures.

Anger is as as this storm.

In the end cruel, but he says there's something behind it. Jealousy is rooted in hurt. Jealousy is the fear of losing someone the rejection we feel when affection or attention or honor or money goes to someone else that we think belongs to us and when I feel that when I when I feel like what my my my kids need be giving me this attention.

I should've got credit for that and I start to get jealous. Let me show you that biblically, let's let's look at quick picture in Scripture with regard to the whole issue. Jealousy here, Joseph's brothers okay you know the story you have the youngest son at this point and the Genesis 37 to 39 is the long story and we pick it up in verse four it says that when his brothers saw that their father loves him more than all his brothers. They hated him and could not speak peaceably to him. So you have a father who is showing partiality, he gets the nice coat. He gets the easy job he gets all the attention you have the other brothers over here and what are they feeling they feel hurt, they feel rejected. This isn't fair. So they go to their father and say you know dad I been reading a couple good books on parenting and I just really want you to know that this type of behavior is going to be unhealthy for Joseph for us and for you as a father and what I want you to know what they do, they bolt anger and so what they do is that this is what we do. They take their anger and their jealousy. That's the root cause out on not the object of it. But on the person who is receiving the attention and that interesting. They displace their anger to a safer object, what, why am I yelling at my kid in the hallway for not making his bed as I bolted to anger and I'm going to take it out in a safer place. Joseph's brothers the lament Psalms are you know sometime read these with a little less sanctified view of how wonderful David in the Psalms are 25% of all the Psalms are someone whining and complaining to God. You know what you know, either.

So raw they don't cover up their anger. David loves God with all of his heart. Why have you forsaken me. What's the deal.

This isn't fair. These are this you know any king, Haydn case hi Dodge and Spears. I don't get it. I loved you I risk my life I risk my life and I'm not doing you're going to come back in my kids and wife and everyone they been taken when I get to go fight, where are you God I'm depressed. Why does my soul. Why does my soul. Where is the living God, and he pours out his lament and when he's really honest with his emotions in there and almost every lament Psalm yet thou are enthroned on hi oh God, you are the faithful one, and he'll get perspective and a look back. You're the one that delivered us. You're the one who's done this.

You're the one is done this, but he takes the raw emotions of his anger and he gets down to what the real issues are and then he gets back and gets God's perspective and that he responds differently. Some of us don't feel like it's safe to share with God, our anger and her hurts and frustrations and all I want you to see is that underneath your anger often. It really is hurt and the tool is what I call a I feel message. I shared the treason. I have a lot of struggles we went to counseling and we paid a lot of money to give you a lot of help. Later and that we did know how so quit when I when she got angry. She closed down. She stuffed and highly is not a good combination. And so we went to this counselor and he realize you guys can't. You know you can't resolve anger and when you do you attack each other, which is not good either and so and we did it in real godly ways. I know we weren't throwers and shouters and screamers and customers.

We just but you know what it just tore us apart is on a 3 x 5 card. He wrote I feel – when you – and we put that 3 x 5 card on the refrigerator and he taught us this is how you communicate your hurt. Your anger and go something like this. I feel hurt you pay more attention to the kids than me. I feel disappointed when you don't come home for supper and don't call. I feel rejected when I want to be physically close to you and you shut down emotionally. I feel angry when you shout and yell when we talk about a sensitive issue and for 32 years that was on a refrigerator and we learned to say I feel messages to one another and got really used when he used it an amazing amazing way and I would like you to think about who might need to hear and I feel message from you. When's the last time you really got angry with someone or something and as a result of our time already you realize you kinda stuffed it or you sort of spewed and that really didn't work very well or you find yourself joking about the same thing you know little sarcasm little barbs and I just like you to think about what what would it be like, what's the real what's the real issue. What's behind what really bugs you, why are you mad okay the red like it's anger but what's underneath that. Who hasn't come through for you and God wants you to know he wants to use your anger for your good anger is a secondary motion. One of the primary causes is hurt. We see it from Joseph's brothers.

We see it throughout the Psalms, and I want you to just stop right now. Okay, close your eyes, I'm gonna ask a question let's just a quick little exercise father right now. I ask you to bring to mind a person or situation in the lives of the people in this room where they have been hurt and I'd like you to right now just just practice visualizing your mind what would look like and it might be a phone call because you're too far away or but what would it look like just to say I feel hurt I feel left out.

I feel wounded. I felt disappointed when you didn't invite me to the wedding when you you fill it in.

You got it in father I pray that you would grant us the grace and the courage to not bolt anger but to realize that were human and as humans we get wounded and hurt and we don't want the wounds to fester and we don't want resentment or bitterness or anger calls a root of bitterness and many be defiled. Help us to have the courage to deliver a loving kind. I feel message to get the issue on the table and to speak the truth in Jesus name you're listening to Living on the Edge with your finger that you will be back in just a minute with his application chips message today is from his series relationships under pressure. Keeping it together when the world's falling apart in the series.

You learn common lies. We all tend to believe about ourselves and others lies that Rick relationships will discover the causes of conflict and get practical help for restoring damaged relationships. If you or someone you know could use a little relationship wisdom series is for you to see more detail or to order the set of messages called relationships. Under pressure, just tap special offers on the app or visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org.

I'll be right back in just a minute with some final thoughts about today's message but you know, in light of the things we talked about today. I just want to acknowledge that some of the most painful conflicts and difficult relationship experiences we have is with our adult children got no matter how much you love God, no matter how good your family is when our children become adults. Things change yes there to honor us, but they don't obey us anymore and we go from, you know, when they're small to tell you what to do to negotiating when their teens, and then we launch them and then a lot of things change. Of all the things we've heard it Living on the Edge in terms of where are the needs we've heard over and over. Will you help us with our adult children. Such conflicts with such changes in values such problems that people don't have answers to. That's why I teamed up with parenting expert Jim Burns to create a resource called how to navigate life with your adult children. Jim and I discussed principles that were in power and equip you as a parent when you struggle with those delicate relationships when your kids are now adults really talk about control issues will talk about when to speak and when to keep your mouth shut. This is a resource I think that's really good help you.

Thanks to one of the most fulfilling gifts we can enjoy as parents is a great relationship with our adult children were we respect and enjoy each other so much that we actually look forward to spending time together.

So the whole aim of this brand-new online video course called how to navigate life with your adult children is to give you the practical tools you need to successfully build those kinds of relationships with your kids.

It's absolutely free its six sessions with Chip and Jim Burns and you can do them at your own pace whenever you want.

So I hope you'll tap special offers on the app or go to LivingontheEdge.org and take advantage of this great new resource. Be glad you did.

In today's program. The big idea. I mean the whopper is that anger is a secondary emotion. You do not have an anger problem.

Anger is the tip of the iceberg underneath of it.

There are three major reasons that there may be more, but there's three major reasons and we dealt with the first one we talked about on met needs or when were hurt.

The second is unmet expectations and the third is is a basic insecurity issue and will deal with that at our next broadcast.

But when you have unmet needs you get wounded or you get hurt, and so the tool is to say, and I feel message that what we tend to do is get into Ott's insureds and demands and arguments and and I talked about the I feel message here is your application for today who in your world who in your relational network and mate child, a boss, a friend who needs to hear. I feel hurt I feel frustrated.

I felt offended when you and you actually do and I feel message you might get with a friend and practice a little bit but I will tell you when you can begin to get your hurts and wounds on the table without attacking people God is going to heal relationships. Are you ready are you willing to give that person and I feel message sometime this week. Just before we close. We want you to know that as a staff we ask the Lord to help you take whatever your next faith step is. We love to hear how is going, you take a minute and send us a note or give us a call either one is easy. Just send a quick note to chip@livingontheedge.org or give us a call at 1-888-333-6003 well until next time, this is Dave really saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge