Relationships Under Pressure - The Only Person I Can Change is Me, Part 1

There is a lie in relationship. Nearly all of us believe when conflict comes, here's what we think if that person would just change they would get their act together, they would shape up, then this relationship would work. There's a lie in there that's constructive ongoing sure what it is and how to change the thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with shipping Living on the Edge features the Bible to this daily discipleship program and nature continues to serious relationships under pressure just before we get started, let me encourage you to try using chips message, follow chips, outline the most quick download when you go to LivingontheEdge.org and click listen now or Fill in notes on the so let's jump in a joint your pores message. The only person I can change is me rental series on relationships and I would like to suggest that I'm to talk about the disease that I call chronic related Titus.

I made up this word myself.

It's chronic related Titus. This is the last principal about the life lessons that I learned about relationships and there's a lot of great things I've learned in the Christian little over 30 years and I didn't learn much. The first couple years because I wasn't in the Bible regularly and I didn't do any of the things all good Christians told me to do and then I kept hitting the wall and decided I think I'm going to get in the Scriptures. I think I'm enjoying small group and I began to grow and so for the last 32 the last 34 years of all the things I've learned about relating to people probably overcoming what I call chronic related Titus is why most difficult things to deal with in any relationship.

When someone I mean perpetually acts or treat you in a way that either causes inward concern or outward conflict. Okay, that's what I mean by chronic related Titus someone usually there in your network who act in a way or treat you in a way that either causes you constant concern for fear and concern about them or the impact or causes constant conflict. Let me give you a few illustrations you're married to a husband who is not spiritually sensitive, has no desire for God knows desire for the Bible, no desire for church and he sits on the recliner Sunday morning with the Coors light watching NFL football as you get the kids and walk out the door to church and your concern about his soul and you're concerned about his own life and your concern about the impact on your kids and you have nagged and you have tried and you have left the Bible open and you left the radio on the right station in the car in the last 10 years.

No change. That's what I call chronic related Titus or your the husband and you're married to a wife is constantly critical, makes jokes, had these little putdowns in public when you go out with with people at a dinner different times like this. It's always in the form of joking and jabs, but she jabs about your looks.

She jabs about your worksheet jabs about your family.

She jabs about your background and everyone thinks it's funny but you don't and you talk to her about and you told her about how it makes you feel. And for some reason she didn't get it or it's the in-laws are negative and critical with every visit every letter every phone call when they visit what you know is anything that's not right in the house anything that's not right with your parenting anything is not right with anything you're going to hear about, and they do it in this syrupy like we really care attitude that they really want to help you and you know underneath of it is the same old junk you had the last 17 years and you get a letter from him or a phone call from him. And even when they even when they remotely do things that are positive, there's always this little inward Barb on the inside that pokes about how you know what, if you are a better father. If you are a better mother. If you want your house better. You know what you need to keep that claim because you don't get that clean you what this could happen when's the last time you got your chimney cleaned out because you know the creosote down inside you know kids I read something in the paper the other day to talk about kids eat those kind of vitamins your there's artificial coloring in it and you just want to note and it's just chronic or the child who is constantly disrespectful, even after multiple disciplines I mean you have grounded them earlier when they were younger, you spank them you did, they just came out of the womb disrespectful. They seem to be disrespectful. They are disrespectful. You think they will always be disrespectful and you have multiple conversations with them multiple conversations with your mate and you just feel like she's chronic what you do or the boss, employee, or fellow worker that constantly has a negative attitude is sarcastic and cynical and nothing is ever right perspective. It doesn't matter if you just broke through the next goals. If you got a promotion of everyone's work as a team.

This person has an attitude and a lens and no matter what happens is, life is bad life.

It stinks they can take the most positive situation and they are spin masters. They can see the downside of everything and all you know is it every time you're with them you have these little knots in your stomach, or every time you're around them.

You just think thoughts like, can't they ever say or be positive.

There's always jesting of the sarcasm, the cynicism, even something that happens they can figure a way to say well so-and-so's motors probably weren't right and it probably is not really true.

And yeah, it's better now but probably be just like it always was three weeks from now and you live with these people and so before we go on. I like you because your faces are telling me you're beginning to really track with me.

I would like you to think of who is that person or persons in your life in your relational network that you would say you are experiencing chronic related Titus.

In other words, if there's one person that would come to your mind right now and you could say, oh God, give me a magic pill and when they look the other way I can give them this magic pill and it would change whatever it is, what who they be they would start being positive, they would start being sensitive. They would be open to God, they would begin to communicate, they would whatever it is, who in your relational network family and laws fellow workers neighbor is just someone that if they would change.

I mean you've talked to him.

You've prayed about it, you kinda had the heart to heart or you've never had the heart to heart, because one of the issues as they have anger management issues and they blow up. And so you've decided you know what I've tried that twice unlocking to go there again, but if that would change who is that person that you would really like to see really changing. If they changed I may not think this is bad down deep in your heart you would say that would be so nice for me and hope my world my life my family my family my work environment. It would be so much better if so-and-so would change either this behavior or this action, or how they treat me or someone I love, if that would change then my relational world would be a lot better if you got that person you usually doesn't take very long and now I want to give your principal number eight and like always give your principal a passage in a practice in the principle I have is the only person I can change is me. The only person I can change is me. I can try nagging I can try manipulation. I can try threats. I can try yelling I can try the silent treatment. I can try passive aggressively pay backing in very subtle Christian type ways to execute vengeance. But when all of that work. What I've learned is when I'm in a relational situation that the reality of that relationship either causes me deep concern or ongoing conflict. The biggest lesson I've learned is the only person I can change is me and if you open your Bibles to Luke chapter 6, I want to develop something out of a little bit of obscure text because you gonna save yourself cottage.

How does this passage have to do that principal Luke chapter 6 it says affect the put in the passage on your notes. It says give and it will be given unto you, they will poured out in your lap. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, for by your standard of measure it were measured to you.

Give, and it will be given unto you, good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over the idea is as I give to other people in the same measure in the idea of a measure is like if I gave a cupful I get a cupful back up. I gave a gallon full.

I get a gallon fullback. If I give a 55 gallon away. I get 55 gallon whatever measure I give out to others.

He says it'll come back to you and is using a farmers or agricultural metaphor here because if you want to get more grain or more, something the idea that shakedown running over. It's the idea that you know if you shake something you can keep making more room to put more in.

So it's the idea of abundance give to other people and you'll know get back good measure, not just but shaken down, running over in abundance back into your lap.

The relational application. I want to make is that whatever you most need in a relationship. The thing you most want from the relationship but are not receiving giveaway.

This is so, I mean this is the ultimate counter intuitive opposite way, we have a tit-for-tat mentality all be kind to you if you be kind to me and I'm waiting for you to be kind to me so I can be kind to you. I will respect you when you respect me. I will do for you. Once you do for me what I'm saying is when you hit chronic related Titus and you've tried all the different ways to change this person and he still on the recliner and she is still dissing you in public and that kid is still disrespectful and that fellow employer boss whatever still making you nuts and nothing is changing.

Give them whatever you really want to receive from them. I give you list in some practical ways what I'm talking about. If you are in a relationship where you want more time from the person give them time given time. If you want more attention from someone maybe it's in a marriage relationship. Give them attention. If you need more affection in a relationship.

Ask yourself what in this friendship.

In this marriage or in my relationship with my father or mother or one of my kids. What does affection look like to them and if what it is is my my dad or moms never said I love you might my kids whatever they're going to the stage and the not very affectionate, my mate is not near as affectionate as I would like them to be given away. Give and to be given to you good measure, pressed down, shaken over if you want someone to listen to you. You don't feel like you're really being heard. Give that away start listening to them a new way start asking the second and third and fourth penetrating question.

Instead of saying you never listen to me. See you interrupted me again. See you. Not that any of you have done if you want to be understood take a week and say I'm going to be a student of this person and I want to understand them instead of expecting one of them to understand me if you want someone to be more sensitive be more sensitive to them.

If you want comforted by person comfort them if you want them to be kinder. If you want them to be more thoughtful and give you gifts to indicate that you because that's part of your love language and you feel like you know that happen in the early days when you were married or your parents used to be sensitive in some of those areas that give them gifts. In other words, whatever you need most in a relationship giveaway give to be given unto you, good measure, pressed down, shaken, running over back into line. I can your your your faces are looking to me this is really wonderful your faces there looking like me like you know you don't get it, you don't. You obviously don't know the person that came to my mind, are you and say something like this because that's not fair. You in fact the real issue is when I look at who's giving in this relationship.

This is a 9010 or I'm already getting 90% and I get 10 back and I get 10 back like on not a good day a good week. I get 10 back on the Goodyear and so that's not fair.

And what I want to say is you're right it's not fair it's supernatural. The other thing I want to do is ask you now in your Bibles to turn back and let me give you little context.

Where did this verse come from Jesus in in the opening of Luke has done two things that seem outrageous. He's violated the Sabbath two different times eating one time and then after that he heals a man and then after that he goes up onto a mountain and he calls the disciples to himself and then he descends down and is going to get the sermon on the Mount and he comes to a level place and is a great multitude, and there's his disciples and all these people and he begins to teach and he begins to heal and he begins to do all the things to meet the needs of other people and then he gives that classic beginning that message that we know Blessed are the poor in spirit blessed those who hunger and thirst and he gives the those classic B attitudes but when he gets done with those, then picking it up in verse 27 he says but I say to you, who here notice I say to you, who here I'm talking to those of you. I just gave a sermon. I gave it with my disciples.

Here at all.

This multitude but I say to you who hear translation. If you get it if you really understand what I was trying to say but I say to those of you who here. Love your enemies, and do good to those who hate you, bless those who persecute you, and pray for those who mistreat you whoever hit you on the cheek. Literally, the right cheek, offer him the left, and whoever takes away your coat don't withhold your shirt from him as well give to everyone who ask of you, whoever takes away what is yours do not demand it back and just as you want men to treat you treat them in the same way and I mean imagine we you know those are great Jesus words right. Those are, they put them on plaques in Christian bookstores in Maine. They sell like hotcakes. Can you imagine being in that crowd for the first time and having a good developed sense of justice, like we all have in hearing about how blessed you can be. If you realize you need if you hunger for God.

If you long to be the man or woman you want to follow him and then he said, not by the way if you understood what I just said about the supernatural life with me than bless those who persecute you, pray for those who mistreat you. But the picture isn't just a pacifism you note. Matthew five he talks about if someone hits you in on the left cheek and most of us are right-handed and so so basically you know, this is Vickie being be careful here. This is Vickie select left left right cheek. It says and so you know it with my right hand I have a hard time getting her so really this is more of it. I'm using the back of my hand on disrespecting the person I'm I'm really dissing them and I'm saying you know what you think and who you are in any saying you know what don't allow yourself to get pulled into instead sorely do you just turn given the other cheek. This is a passage doesn't teach that there's never a time to defend yourself, and in light of all the rest. The Bible, but what what is capturing is giving the very opposite of what the person deserves.

Isn't that the thing that we can sit in from all of these you give the very opposite of what the person deserves and this is Jesus relational model, but then notice he goes on because you know that part of us that's deep inside that says this isn't fair.

He goes on to say, picking it up in verse 32 and if you love those who love you, what credit is that for even sinners love those who love them.

Verse 33 and if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that for even sinners do the same thing and if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive credit. What credit is that to you. Even sinners lend to sinners in order receive back the same amount in another words, when you're just dishing out what what other people dish to you or when you're playing the tit-for-tat game you just part of the human race. But that's not like a follower of Jesus is not a supernatural response. That's not how relationships work and then he goes on to say but love your enemies and do good and land and expect nothing in return and notice here's where another faith kicks in your reward will be great and you will be sons of the most high for he himself is kind, to whom, to the ungrateful and evil men were never more like God and were never more like his son Jesus than we give people what they don't deserve. He says that phrase you'll be sons of the most high. In other words people recognize mean you know I'm I'm with my kids and then act a certain way all you must be Ingram's boy or unit they got all that blonde hair and they say all this is one of Teresa's kids why there's family resemblance you have family resemblance to God when you treat people the way you're listening to Living on the Edge with which it will be back in just a minute with his application chips message today is from his series relationships under pressure. Keeping it together when the world's falling apart in the series.

You learn common lies. We all tend to believe about ourselves and others lies that Rick relationships will discover the causes of conflict and get practical help for restoring damaged relationships.

If you or someone you know could use a little relationship wisdom series is for you to see more detail or to order the set of messages called relationships.

Under pressure, just tap special offers on the app or visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org. I'll be right back in just a minute with some final thoughts about today's message but you know, in light of the things we talked about today. I just want to acknowledge that some of the most painful conflicts and difficult relationship experiences we have is with our adult children got no matter how much you love God, no matter how good your family is when our children become adults. Things change yes there to honor us, but they don't obey us anymore and we go from, you know, when they're small to tell you what to do to negotiating when their teams and then we launch them and then a lot of things change. Of all the things we've heard it Living on the Edge in terms of where are the needs we've heard over and over. Will you help us with our adult children.

Such conflicts with such changes in values such problems that people don't have answers to. That's why I teamed up with parenting expert Jim Burns to create a resource called how to navigate life with your adult children.

Jim and I discussed principles that were in power and equip you as a parent when you struggle with those delicate relationships when your kids are now adults were going to talk about control issues will talk about when to speak and when to keep your mouth shut. This is a resource I think that's really good help you. Thanks to one of the most fulfilling gifts we can enjoy as parents is a great relationship with our adult children were we respective enjoy each other so much that we actually look forward to spending time together.

So the whole aim of this brand-new online video course called how to navigate life with your adult children is to give you the practical tools you need to successfully build those kinds of relationships with your kids.

It's absolutely free its six sessions with Chip and Jim Burns and you can do them at your own pace whenever you want. So I hope you'll tap special offers on the app or go to LivingontheEdge.org and take advantage of this great new resource.

Be glad you did.

As we wrap up today's program. We all have a variety of relationships and every relationship good relationships have they have mountaintops and have valleys. They have challenges I could sit down with you now being married for over 40 years. I could tell you about seasons when your children are really young and the teen years and empty nest years and and and there's peaks and valleys and very predictable challenges that bring huge conflict in a number of couples don't make it through that that they get locked in and there is hurt and there's pain and your needs are met, and what happens is, there is this absolute commitment that this person must change for this relationship to work, but that this person is not you, it's them in the problem with that is you have zero power to change your mate you have zero power to change your boss you have zero power to change one of your kids you have zero power to change your roommate and this principles been so helpful, to say the only person I can change.

Here's where it has to begin with me, even if in my heart of hearts it's 10%. My problem 90% there problem. The temptation is to focus on the 90% we were as stuck as you could be in our marriage. In the early years, and we spent a couple years blaming dysfunctional ways to sort of try make our marriage work and it just got to where it was impossible and I think we both got so frustrated, but the breakthrough came when we went to counseling and when we both accepted the only person we could change is us. I couldn't change her and she was making me nuts.

And she couldn't change me and believe me I was making her nuts is a here's your application.

Just today, pause right now. Think of the most challenging relationship and just ask this one question and make this one commitment the question. Oh Lord, what do you see needs to change in me then what do you want me to do today. One step to give this other person what they don't deserve. How can I show kindness or grace. Even though I don't think they deserve it.

You answer that question and act on it and you will see the beginning of change will just before we close our mission, Living on the Edges to help Christians live like Christians. One of the ways we do that is by giving away free resources. So when you hear a message. That's especially helpful.

We hope you'll pass it on to others. These free messages are easily shared from the trip and remap or by forwarding the free MP3s from our website. LivingontheEdge.org.

Don't forget to include a note about how it made a difference in your life will be sure to be with us again next time when we continue our current series for chip and the entire team here.

This is the very thing thanks for listening.

This vision of living on the