Real Love in Real Life - Communication: Sharing Hearts Not Just Words, Part 2

Did you know there is one skill that will either make or break your most important relationship that with the person you're engaged to person you love the person you're married and that one skill is called communication. Communication is the highway which love travels to communicate better, deeper, more meaningfully. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with the mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians, the Bible thinking of chipping through serving with her sister picks up where he left off last time in a series real love in real life.

This program ensures tactical tools to improve your communication skills make your relationship before we get started if you're new to living on any part of this series, you can always catch up here the ship and were that let storage for the second half of the stock as he continues sharing the principles that will transform communication in your home. The third principle out of this is being diligent work hard on your relationships verse 28. If used to be a thief.

You must not, you must not only give up stealing. You must learn to make an honest living so that you may be able to give to those in need, and the idea here is be diligent yet he's talking about this transformation, relationships, and he says that you used to be a thief.

What's sativa thief. It's a shortcut stealing is no more than I want the product. I don't want the process I'm in you work all week and then the guy comes up and puts the gun says you get your unit money out of ATM. He takes it. You did all the work he gets all the reward that violates a biblical principle of communication relationship. He says the diligent work hard. I came to realize I don't have the skill to relate. I have baggage I have sin. She's a woman on a man we got different personalities. I realized I needed to sign up for the rest of my life and make my marriage, my number one priority and work at it and what what we want as we want these little ideal marriages that are wonderful, but we don't put the time in the process. Great marriages are like oak trees not weeds take a lot of time in the really great but you really work next.

It's be positive. Don't wound with your words. Verse 29 let no more foul language but good words instead words suitable for the occasion which God can use to help other people never heard the Holy Spirit. He is remember the personal pledge of your eventual full redemption.

Let there be no more resentment form of anger.

No more slander and no mortal malicious remarks so were to be positive. Don't wound with your words does see you express it in a way that doesn't wound. In fact, one translation says let no unwholesome word and the word therefore unwholesome word in Ephesians 429 it's a picture of milk that's gone sour fruit that has been completely decayed and have been on vacation and you left some refrigerator for 23 weeks and you open it and then you open the sink. Let that smell that stench.

That's this word.

Don't let any of those kind words. Words that build up people are legal in your marriage, sarcasm, picking labeling, name-calling, talking about her parents.

Their parents illegal their ill it now you discipline yourself, but their illegal vote by the way, to you think all I said I'm sorry, guess who keeps remember right I get second grade teacher. I can still remember what she said to me about that great for long time. I get coaching ninth grade. Is that something to me. I can still remember exactly what he said wounds with words are powerful there's life and death and the power of words.

Be very careful everyone of my kids are little skilled right down Ephesians 429. Write the word memorize every one of my kids had to memorize that verse and when they said things to one another or to one of us that were put downs you had put money in a jar and not say what. After a while, they just replaced real. His uncle broke doing this but I wanted him to learn. There's a real thing you're either putting money in the jar in building people up. You taken something out of the relationship. Be diligent, be positive. Be forgiving. Be the first to say I'm sorry verse 32, says, be kind to one another. The understanding be as ready to forgive others as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you have it by the way, this is the key to breaking deadlock in your marriages, the word, forgive literally means to release.

Can you release your be the reason we don't forgive his revenge seat you have paid for this. You hurt me for this.

I can't forget I can't let it go. If I let it go. Then you will have to pay know what you get rid of as your ulcers and you so he doesn't deserve a jute University what he did. You know what she did. You know what she said you how much money she spent after we talk about this. You know what you yeah you know, forgive them because they deserve but forgive one another, just as God in Christ has forgiven you. I give it because I got and when Jesus says that were to learn how to pray. I prayed this morning. Father forgive me as I forgive those who trespass against me and then I thought of two or three names of people that I felt like I trespassed against me and maybe the last six or eight months. I said I just want to remind you father, I want to release them. I want to pray that you bless them, because I want you to forgive me.

There's there's there's a little equation that goes on there is and so it's you never can wipe the board clean and you can never start the healing process until you're willing to let go of the past hurts and I know at times that mean that's an affair or that's a squandering of money but God has forgiven you, and you need to turn them loose and release them and treat them in the way that God has forgiven you. And by the way, Matthew five there in the sermon on the Mount, Jesus said if you're coming to the altar unit worship and there remember your brother has something against you is tell you what you just leave your offering your time with God and go and find your brother and make it right. Be the first to say I'm sorry the way we usually play the game is its 90%. Her fall. I'll tell you what. When she comes apologizes, will get the thing straightened out. Well I didn't respond the right way, together with its 10% truth, of course, I mean it's a month intelligent person in 10% of problems. My 90% hers untie what we have talked in three days and I slept on the couch was and all that fun. She should be sleeping on the couch but couldn't bring myself union what God teaches the relationship matters more than his right and go to the bedroom and wake her up and so you know something honey on apologize and even if you don't think it's 10%. Own your heart and say I'm sorry and is in an amazing thing when the other person you know reality. It might been a 50-50 or 6040 or 7030 but is an amazing thing when another person takes the initiative and owns their part, even if it was a wrong response and ask forgiveness for that. See what keeps us apart is pride in God is against the proud. It's it's my rights if I can't let go just be the bigger person be the first to say I'm sorry and what you find. Tremendous healing will occur in your relationship. Well, that those principles are pretty clear and think it's right on Scripture be honest, diligent, be positive. Be forgiving. I want to give you three skills.

Okay three quick skills. Once a listening skill one is a conflict resolution, skill, and one is that increase your love quotient skill I you ready skill number one is what I call the conference tool for listening and this is the way it works. It's very, very, very simple and there's three questions and they're very easy and I sit down hi member the first time I had this I got this from marriage counseling. Thank you Dr. Dick Meyer okay.

I wish Therese was here because we have done this Teresa what are you concerned about excuse me, I ask what you concerned about I don't interrupt.

I don't talk I don't solve a problem. I don't make a comment I can verbally yeah but you just listen what you concerned about and then when I get done she says will chip what you concerned about if you would state government while you actually do the tape but for some you'll find is far more effective because even though you're laughing you interrupt you will. So if you know this is legal in this little thing that you can say excuse me, I think maybe you need to stick I and so question one what you concerned about report out Budweiser if you have done this long time it might take 1012 minutes but you're not asking questions.

What he concerned about. I'm concerned about her marriage not be where need to be unconcerned about our finances. I'm concerned about, what's happening around the world with all these wars I'm concerned about her daughter. I do not like that guy she's dating. I'm concerned about. I'm concerned about.

I'm concerned about and then when it's quiet just like anything else, and then you flip and then the next question is what you desire what what you desire. So I sit down and again I don't interrupt the get the old tape out what you desire honey well hi desire for us to have a close-knit relationship like we used to hi desire for us to get a weekend away and really talk. I desire that you would help me with the kids with their homework because you know what I don't understand math anymore and you're good in math but you never around. I desire I desire. I desire I desire. I does, and this has me super serious, I desire would win the lotto and we could give most money way to get some real fun for yourself. I desire you know just what whatever desire you have just getting out so question what he concerned about what you desire.

You don't interrupt one another and in the last question.

Here's the final rule. What are you willing to do, but there's one rule behind the rule you have to do anything that have to do anything at all.

Otherwise, it's it turns in manipulation. So when I get done. I said her what he willing to do.

She can set I'm willing to have another conference like this in a couple days or am willing to pray for you to deeper level or in my case I member is specifically it's not hypothetical I'm willing to take over all the math homework for all the kids. Now here's what you need understand most of us are in levels one, two and three.

Right most all the time in about 20 minutes. What occurs is you share all your burdens. That's that that's her concerns unit burns due to you. They weigh you down and then you share your desires. That's kinda like that, that's wind in your sales and what you're really doing is you have a little time or you say here's with one me down the here's what with it when my sales.

I don't expect you to do anything, but now you know if you like the pillow in my sales or if you'd like to lift off a burden.

At least you're aware, but I expect to do anything.

I had to tell you our first conference took about 25 minutes I learn more about what was gonna my wife spent hours and hours of talking about stuff. Caviezel talk at work and stuff and logistics but just just have a conference it is. We did that we had two conferences a week, probably for a decade. As we were repairing and working on her marriage to be diligent. The second is what I call word pictures. A lot of people done lots of good work on this, but just a tool for understanding sometimes we can't get into one another's worlds and and you know you can't get him to really get it. He just you say it but he doesn't get it or you say honey that this really matters. And no matter what you do. You can't consider a word picture in a word picture is just something that comes out of their world instead of your world that you might build a bridge so that light would come on so they go all I get so I won't go into all the details of how bad I've been around the house and this I've actually made lots of progress, but this was years ago and apparently our dishwasher whenever it was on the water would come under the bottom but Teresa put towels under it so I thought it was okay and that our daughter's room when it rained that the door the water would come in and it took more than a few towels but I thought that's better than replacing a window and apparently we had three or four appliances in or five other things like this all around the house that I didn't notice Risa asking asking ask she's angry and she's pushing it down and you know I can't figure out why my wife doesn't want to be more romantic and and so we we go through this and she says chip, but I really need to talk to and she learned it at the right time at the right place but sheet.

She told me this I mean, for the first 15 years were married. I could hear and so I was near the fireplace.

I still remember this year have those moments were sort of a turning point in your marriage.

I can never pick where was that she could ship Ireland talk to find she does not know you can get mad you really get mad enough surely you jest or I won't get mad.

We promise okay I won't commit what then if you get mad you get really defensive honey, I'm not can be defensive. Would you just tell me now. I'm really kind of afraid to tell you and and exit okay. You just tell me right now. I promise I will be minimal.

Be defensive and so she said okay she said chip you when we drive by the church and we were involved in a building program in developing side over about a 10 to 12 your.

And you know you know when you when you are driving by the church in the bushes are all messed for we walk out of the service of if songs are different things were done the way you know you have this quick debriefing meetings and you evaluate. Here's what went well. Here's what didn't. Here's a need to change it or member member last week were driving on a date on Friday for coffee and you just solved us all this big pile of junk and you stopped and said, you know, can you take just a minute you walk into the office and made a call to make sure that wouldn't be there. Yeah, I'm thinking she's thinking about what a great husband. I am notices these things in my work. She said chip when you notice all those things at the church, and you make sure everything is right and repaired because it's your world. I really admire you. But when you don't even see the things that need repaired in my world. It makes me feel like you don't care about me because our home. In some ways is an extension of me you know this is like David getting it from Nathan right meant that she achieves. Tell me forever and ever and ever and ever. Every others needs fix that needs extending for something in 300 bucks we don't have that forget that that me know I want to tell you pollen the next 2 1/2 months. Every single one of us and skeptics because she told me in a way that reached my heart and from my world.

I just thought I get it and you might have to be creative and you like Nathan made up that little story about you know the shepherd that had only the one little lamb.

But if you can think of ways to say things they give a picture out of their world, often a light will come on final thing.

This is a little exercise at work in a run with. I call it carelessness, a tool for building and so what what happens is member I talked about the pie of life and how you can focus on the little sliver this not so good and forget all the good things that you really have and what you really need to do is build on the good things and so there's other things shrink to get enough, positive emotions in the bank to deal with them a care list is list seven simple loving caring behaviors that are non-conflict producing and not expensive to make you feel loved by your spouse saw done this with lots of groups and seminars and I get all the men together is okay, let's listing it on the whiteboard and I gimme 10, 12, 15 things I feel loved when my wife and the top two are communicates confidence in Emma my wife communicates conference me.

I feel loved when she shows initiates affectionate man.

I feel loved and we just make a list and then my wife would get in the room with lunch lady. So what makes you feel loved by your husband and ladies would say when he called me from work when he listens intently to me when he really acts in understanding way so here's going to do what you do take this as we close, three, four minutes, and on the part that says woman if you're a woman I'd like you to at least put in 0342 or three things that when your husband does them notice their caring behaviors their non-conflict producing. In other words, like even arguing about a cruise the last 15 years. Don't but I feel loved when taking on a cruise.

Don't do that okay so so you not expensive non-conflict producing, but you feel loved when he does these things were you just list 345 things and then then I want you to list three or four things that make you feel really loved and then this is an amazing little thing, but what you do is ladies when we get done. You give yours your husband and men you give yours to your wife and they don't have to do any other.

But what I'm gonna suggest is, choose one of these and just do one each day, when it be amazing to know that I can at least do one thing every day when I do it. My last little while.

He loves me while he loves me and for some of you extra milers due to a day right and what what you can be doing is you actually rather than guessing. We spent so much more energy. Think I did that.

She didn't respond. He did that, you know, why not make a list and say I really feel loved when these things happen and then give it to the other person with ammunition to say you are free to love me as much is one dry Christ love so much he died for his church.

Is it too much, that we would tell one another clearly what makes this experience love from that person and then by a willful choice begin to do the things that communicate love and what you'll find is that sliver that bothers you will just keep drinking because what you can begin to do you create an atmosphere where the deeper, more painful home abilities that you will get happen that healthy place this message communication during hearts, not just words of his series real love in real life. Every relationship, whether it's inside a family, marriage or friendship dating couple has issues to overcome through the series chip will address the struggles that impact every relationship and unpack what real love should look like Discover how to better communicate handle conflict, and even be more romantic with your spouse. If you're ready to deepen every relationship in your life and be better at giving and receiving love in the series is for you.

For more information about the resources for real love in real life just go to LivingontheEdge.org or call us at AAA 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003, or LivingontheEdge.org app listeners top special offers before we go any further, here's chip with a special word I want to take a minute today to talk to those of you that you been listening to Living on the Edge for quite a while, you been ministered to by Living on the Edge asking it very seriously, pray about something specific, would you consider prayerfully partnering with us on a monthly basis. Monthly partners make a huge difference in the life of the ministry.

Not only does it tell us that you're with us.

Your heart is with this because your money is is being given and helping us each and every day, but it tells us that you're really a part of the family that you are one of those people that and whether it's a big amount small amount.

Really that's immaterial but it's about saying, rather than just now and then it lets us know. Here is a group of people that are on mission with us to help Christians live like Christians and like any organization. The predictability of knowing the people are behind you that you can count on what ever it is each month.

It makes a huge difference. So if you been listening in, and I'm sure you've many of you already given once here or there or maybe you have listened and just never thought about a while that's right.

These people have to pay for all of this, would you consider just prayerfully God would you like me to partner with Living on the Edge it can be whatever amount God shows you but it would mean the world to us and I think you would find your heart resonating as you partner with the ministry is not just a financial provision it's becoming a part of the ministry that helps other people. So here's my request. Pray specifically and then do just whatever God shows you think strip will as you prayerfully consider your role with this ministry I will remind you that every gift is significant when you partner with Living on the Edge you multiply our efforts and resources in ways that only God can do to send a gift call us at AAA 333-6003 or go to LivingontheEdge.org that's AAA 333-6003, or LivingontheEdge.org app listeners top donate will hear again is chip with some final thoughts from this message I want to be very specific in today's application. I am deeply, deeply concerned about Christian marriages. The thought that this message and applying these principles from Scripture would kinda be a nice thing to do is really not at all what I'm talking about. You made a covenant with the living God before witnesses, that you said till death do us part.

These kind of struggles are normal and I'm watching people bail out and what you don't know is what I what I see I see what it looks like five years 10 years 15 years, 20 years later and I'm gotta tell you, there is not something easier or better out there some things you can't help that you do everything to keep this marriage on track.

Second, your kids the damages your revocable God does give grace, but I will tell you if you think they're just going to be fine. You are sadly sadly mistaken. And third, your testimony, you know, marriage is a picture of Christ love it's it's the bridegroom and the bride and so what I want to say to you is do life God's way.

Resist the temptation. I know it's hard if you're stuck, get help go to a good Christian counselor pause and begin to pray together. Here's your assignment for the day on which you get a 3 x 5 card out or open up that the notes on your phone and I want you to list as many things as you can humanly think of of what attracted you to your mate and all their positive qualities. Because what you're doing is focusing on the five or 10% make you crazy and they keep growing and growing and growing. Let's say some marriages today you a great way to get more out of every message is to use chips message notes while you listen you'll get is outline all of the Scripture references.

Lots of fillings to help you remember what you're learning. Use them personally, or even with your small group chips, message notes or a quick download@livingontheedge.org under the broadcasts tab app listeners top fill in notes and you're all set will be sure to join us next time. Until then, this is Dave Drewry saying thanks for listening to this edition of living on VA