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February 14, 2022 5:00 am
Did you know that every relationship has to do with barriers of some kind. It doesn't matter how long you know the other person. We all have to learn to handle what I call relational roadblocks. Today I want to buy some critical barriers to trip up every relationship that will show you how to break.
Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge chip and Living on the Edges of national discipleship history during the daily Bible teaching of Chip Ingram just a minute.
Chip continues a series real love in real life, assuring some specific steps to demolish the relational preventing you from experiencing. But before we began. If you been incurred by the series minute after this message in shirt with a friend. You can do that through the Chip Ingram or by sending them the free MP3s at Living on the Edge your nose part two of Chip's message for barriers of love Genesis chapter 3 the second barrier is psychological barrier as you listen that these are personality differences as you as you listen, as I just want you to remember this spiritual barrier so colors everything that Boyle tell you it makes all these others, it just taints them psychological barrier is are personality differences in men, women they're different but just people were different. I think the example there's introverts and extroverts meet some people go to a party want to meet everybody and someone goes to party finds a corner with one or two other people and I spent four hours there. They come of all that was an awesome party. If you're an extrovert. Got Huckabee an awesome party sat in the corner to other people. What a bummer you're high-fiving Jim to see her getting a right that's not good or bad your extrovert needs to get around people get refreshed and I need to get with my friends and introverts does give me two days alone turn off the voicemail. Turn off the email unplugged the phone hi just need to be and then the energy comes back.
You know what some weird thing.
We kinda marry the offices. Knowing the causes conflict or the difference tween asserted an easy-going and some people are loving and kind. But they're just assertive right is X let's get this done and other people are kinda laid-back dry enough and she's gone.
Hey, let's do that. She's assertive in his own well maybe will cut that yard tomorrow.
You know, let's enjoy one another. Baby so you have conflict is not a wrong person is or but it's different, or the difference tween factual and abstract meet some people are just, you know, by the book factual, factual, factual, factual Chip, excuse me, it says 55 miles an hour. I know that means like 55 to 60, 62, because honey I believe the laws of the land are very clearly written. It's 50 got you and you know I want role factual people flying the planes.
I am on this airports close enough for you know when you get your teeth drilled this one that one task was not right and is not bad or wrong. You want factual people doing things are meticulous, but people living the dream dreams and paint paintings do not want like okay, let's do a masterpiece of art.
Okay the number one goes here. Blue number to the right. You want people that are abstract and dreamy and conceptual God made us different. But when you got the barrier of sin and then you throw these kinda differences some people are very systematic. I married one summer very spontaneous. She married one you.
I just let's do that Jesus is that on the schedule so and about after 30 years learning to be a lot more systematic and she's grown to be much more spontaneous others all kinda test with its Myers-Briggs MMPI disk tests you can discover what these are.
But the answer is understanding the answer is understanding it's getting all were different. Let's understand that the differences aren't bad, but you need to figure out that you really are different. You know what it takes time. As many of you know Tresa and I came from alcoholic families and so if you know about systems that creates not really good systems and so my first couple years of marriage co-boy that was wild and so I had a fellow named Paul Meyer who was he was actually teaching at the seminary. The Marmon earth clinics at the same time was getting some more Bible education himself and so he was given this lecture and as he gave this lecture he was describing our marriage and we were having all this conflict, we just flat out cannot communicate and he described it somewhere up after class.
I said where did you learn all the secrets and and he looked at me to Chip. This is just normal stuff, but I had made all the differences of who we are a wrong right instead of understanding all I guess I need to live in a world understanding she needs time alone and she needs to learn. I need some time with people.
This can be way over the top for her. I guess she unit she needs to understand that you for not real conceptual and layout where want to be, 10, 15 years will never get there because life is more than just doing the task in the list you in the next 72 hours, but did you ever think maybe that's why God put you together. Did you ever think it was the complement and help one another. There's multiple areas that are different because your personalities magnified by the spiritual barriers and then third, we've got gender barriers despite many of the movements of the past 20 or 30 years of physiologically, emotionally, spiritually men and women are different.
I love the quote by a famous theologian who set our sexuality penetrates to the deepest metaphysical grounds of her personality. As a result, the physical differences between the man and the woman are a parable of the psychic and spiritual differences of a more ultimate nature is point saying you know when you look at the physiology of a man and a woman is like a parable, and that God we are very different at all levels. We don't process information.
The same now I'm going to give you some differences out of the book called the understanding each other by Paul Turney I an older book is a Swiss psychologist is a believer and don't go away to someone such men are always like this winter was like business Chip Ingram and I said this I didn't say that I'm getting give you tendencies.
There are multiple exceptions of women who are more like this. And men are like that so but there are certain tendencies that are verifiable. Males tend to be more achievement focused women tend to be more relationally focused. Men tend to be tend to be more theoretical and generalist women tend to be more specific and detailed. I have a grandchild. Someone asked me, so tell me about your brand-new grandchild's healthy, doing great names Noah. We got it were done so and calls Tresa what you grandchild 21 inches 7.973.1 ounces was born.
It 1.48 minus what I'm thinking we had a healthy baby. It's great.
She's fine.
You write will sweat the details, but that's the important stuff to her is not wrong right but were different.
More information oriented in communication.
Men tend to be women tend to be more emotionally oriented, is not an either or about the way in the marketplace think one of the reasons were seeing women as great team builders is they don't just look at the facts they have that sick sense about what's happening in the lives in the hearts of people. Men tend to be more action oriented women tend to be more verbal oriented effect research that I read was a woman speaks on average, about 1/3 to 50% more than average man and some of you men would say that's true.
My home and for others it wouldn't be, but that's not bad or good tower wired a men tend to be more fax oriented women tend to be more and intuitively oriented. Men tend to be more goal oriented and women tend to be more supportive and nurturing oriented, but it's interesting. If you have kids is a is a grow up. Ask yourself who they go to for certain situations.
Now I think we both have some to give and there's a lot of women a lot of men that have lot of crossover, but these are some general tendencies.
Here's the point.
The point is, your man, your wife's will.
Okay, think, think very clearly on this how he thinks how he behaves how we process information.
If there wasn't a fall if there was no sin, you would have some struggles at least big on misunderstandings, but when you take sin, then you take personality differences then you take the differences between men and women you know it's amazing anybody stationary right. But what that what we believing were believing we love one another, we should have a legally feelings and never have any struggles you gotta work through gender issues, personality issues and sin issues. You can have big struggles and big struggles are normal fourth of answer here is appreciation. I am glad my wife is not like me right and you are glad your husband is not like you and many many many ways but it's appreciating that instead of making them again.
Areas of conflict.
The final barrier is historical barriers are baggage from the past.
Some have more than others. Family upbringing. They come from different families that have different values a different geography. Someone was in the country. Someone in the city. Someone in the suburbs communication styles in my home.
Everyone talked at the same time and no one listened at her home. No one talked. I can still remember we were in early dating in and I just thought I'm going to be in love with this gal and we had this 45 minute drive. Not that while this can be great. I mean, tend to me my love language is meaningful conversation, and so we have this great talk were driving to the country and I noticed she was quiet now and then and she is now by God's grace changed a lot to not make me crazy, but this was, you know, probably almost 30 years ago.
So were driving in the car and I just thought myself. I tend to start the conversation on the letter start this time.
So I'm driving and you know this is how men are.
This is a crazy five minutes. No one said anything and she's looks at me and smiles without known as cows on the hills and that I did notice in the blue sky and trees and with the deal here. She must be mad at me's insecurities right okay so now it's 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, 35 minutes 35 minutes out. They will moment she opens her mouth and I thought we could have the scooter after watching him, but she was like me Eschenbach what I think is a big problem why she stonewalling me.
I can't think 45 minutes and we round this band get out of the car and I'm thinking this is the worst 45 minutes my life. I'm to give her a piece of my mind I'm to tell her if you treat me like this.
I thought you were, you know the right one and now I can have my doubts. She gets out of the car, turned to musicals Chip witness a great time. Thank you know I'm biting my lip. When this a great time at you because you know she is so good nature so refreshes my soul. Thanks for just being understanding and give me some room on this trip. She is did you notice the cows and look at those trees and the wildflowers. As we came she does this for such any time together at you know I'm thinking are you kidding me I may not live my blood pressures up the way up to here. I'm just waiting for one little moves like an pound or for being so insensitive and then the little light went on and I realize you know what were really different. Okay now we don't have 45 minute drives anymore, but I have learned when to give her room and she's learned to initiate conversation. Now, as you lacking like laughing is that you two is and so you got sin you got gender issues, personality issues, you got background issues other number of children you know one person came from a family of six or seven. The other was an only child. I got news you think different about family, a one comes from a family that you and mom got up and cooked breakfast every morning. The other as you know, get cereal on your own. Are we going to eat breakfast.
What is that those are wrong are writers, but they cause conflict.
You also have traumatic events, deaths, divorce, abuse me that there are indelible imprints in people's psyches and souls of big difficult pains.
They've been through and is used as they start to unzip their heart, and you grow toward intimacy you I didn't love sorry and so I did me to hit that will what what happened.
That's where I got rejected before my ex-husband never told anyone. Maya my older stepbrother do abuse me when I was 14 and then lights go off and you treat this person like this in an you can understand as a part of the fall. You are married to someone that's damaged goods, and you are probably more damage than you think, and it will take incredible grace and sensitivity and understanding of their history and their baggage. Our first two years. A lot of it was like this if I sat down with the counselor and I listen to my wife's childhood and I listen to where she'd been and how she thought, and you know what my anger turned to compassion to realize why she was so sensitive I realize why she prayed for hours on end like no one I've ever met.
I realize why every time we would ever meet someone. It was down and out or been abused or been hurt or you know every church have ever been in man.
If you are like totally dysfunctional. My wife can end up spread I'm I mean she's the Mercy woman who just cares for these people that no one likes to go to a party and someone looks lonely and out of it.
She's can find that person, why it's a part of God redeems our hurts and our past and often gives us a heart to love those who are in the same situation where we've been, you know. And so what but but if all the barriers are benefits if you know fix me and come through for me.
If you don't know how to communicate. If you can't get these things on the table without like shoot one another.
Then you come to these silly conclusions like they're not the right person for me and were at this barrier Edison impasse and psychological differences in unit were never to fulfill one of that's a bunch of baloney. You does not understanding a big sin problem.
He got different personalities. One of the is a man one abuse a woman and you got different backgrounds, it's gonna take a tender, gracious God, and an amazing commitment on your part to take little steps of faith and grace to let him forgive and nurture and restore and love and bring together and it's gonna be up at your hard work. I mean a bunch of hard work and it's worth it and it's worth it. And so you have false beliefs and games that you learn to play to protect yourself right. We all do will guess what your wife came from a different family or your husband so that they have different games so your plaintiffs can she's playing that game right and then we have rejection and past relationships.
The answer here is knowledge. Knowledge you've got to get inside of what's been going on and get a picture of the background of the person you love so that the knowledge can bring understanding and the understanding and develop appreciation and depreciation can cause you to be, you realize the person. This can bring the most healing in your mate's not some counselor somewhere near the person with a face and with hands that touch them with arms that hold and feed that go places and do think you know the person that's going to be the agent of grace to bring the deepest most significant sanctifying healing in your mate, but it requires you to see yourself God I'm desperate and need for you to remove this barrier. I'm desperate for your power to just get off of me long enough in my insecurities and how rejected I feel and how unsatisfied I am and how unfulfilled in the season to say what does he need and that means I and I get up every morning and I'm sure like you all. I miss a morning here and there, but I have to meet with God son not trying to be disciplined on the trend to read my Bible to keep the devil away your price. So long so I can check something off. I need God.
I need grace I need him to fill me up and say I've covered your shame Chip.
I love you I forgiven you. I put the spirit of God will manifest the presence of the power of Christ. I have given you promises that no matter what it is you can trust help people around your life, because I want you filled up so you can give to be an agent of grace to help Teresa be the woman that reflects my glory, and so that's what I gotta do and that's what she has to do, and that's why it's so important that's not about techniques. It's not about you figuring out a see if we go three weekends away.
We do this book and fill out these blanks were to talk about communication and good techniques, but I want you to know. It starts with seeing the model in the blueprint and then it's understanding the barriers and then it's signing up to be an agent of grace getting it first and then giving it the final page of notes. A quick summary says the result is we knowingly and unknowingly put up protective walls that keep us from being deeply touched and loved and ways were desperate to experience and I will be duets with these barriers do is an and you might underline the word unknowingly. That's where it gets tricky.
I mean I know what I'm putting up a wall W but there's times I I put up walls.
I don't do it. We knowingly and unknowingly put up walls and then Larry crab is written a couple of excellent books in the summary of a couple excellent books about how men and women responder in these next lines, women focus on right the word relationships and struggle with loneliness and the fear of abandonment and are just getting that that's that's gonna for all your life ladies a woman's wrong strategy centers around controlling unit control your husband your world want everything to be in place you want control so you don't get abandoned. A man focuses on impact and struggle with futility and the fear failure shows up everywhere impact a man's wrong strategy centers around compensating compensating say what I mean by that.
You know what it you can you can be the Tiger on the on the softball field the football field. You can make X dollars you can come into the office.
You can be a construction worker and make something out here with the guys get a couple beers man are we talking hauling you put my jersey on it says whatever team is vicariously live my life through other athletes and we can't we can as men compensate with hobbies and work because out there what happens you get strokes and yet sit around the table and realize that I'm supposed to be a spiritual leader on how to pray out loud and I don't open this big book is my wife is 10 times more than me and I don't want to say something like a hub held school go because my kids rolled their eyes and so because I feel in adequate and incompetent. I go compensate and I tell him it's because I want more money to for the family and I'm building the house and Nono it's because I'm scared to death that I'm insecure and I got these barriers and I'm nowhere to go and I don't how to get help, but at least out there, somebody God solution is honest, grace filled understanding communication to lovingly pull down the walls, risk vulnerability and restore intimacy and I would just say because you never know, who you're talking to.
I would just say this, the greatest application of all this, of getting grace filled understanding, communication, and pull those walls is first and foremost if there's any chance someone you're listening to me in the part of you that is going while that this disguised describing my life. And if the next thought is I don't know this God is talking about. I don't have a personal relationship with Christ. I don't have the power to talk about. I get the barrier part. How do you break the barrier. I want you know that Jesus died on the cross to pay for your safe you fully God fully man. He left heaven and all the glory of heaven to live a perfect life to reveal what God the father is like full of grace and truth and he live this perfect life and he modeled it and that he was sinless and he died that blood that we talked about was shed and it was shed to a tone or cover your sin and forgive you and then he rose from the dead the third day in a seat at the right hand of God and his invitation to every human being on the face of the earth is this whoever would believe on me, who ever would trust.
I so loved the world that if you believe on me, you can have a gift of eternal life, and God wants you to know that's the starting point and for many, maybe it you know I have.
I've prayed I've I've honestly repented not asking to come in my life and forgive me my sins.
But you realize that your priorities in your relationship with God are really not kilter.
God may have brought you here.
First and foremost for you to realize yet. I can get right with God because I got news for you. You will never get right with your mate until there is a vitality and a power in your relationship with Christ. And if you've never received Christ. You just sit and write where you're at, you can just say you know we don't need to have a prayer or you can just say call.as I listen to this.
I want this to work and I desperately need you, I died for me, would you forgive me, my life right now. Today I want to pause. We talked about some very profound and heavy stuff.
And if you're a believer if you're a follower of Christ, and as you listen to what the word of God said through me today and your honest conviction is. You know, my relationships are not going the way I know they ought or should that I want to ask you to take a step and you have to get right with God before things go right with relationships. In fact, God is so kind that often what he does is frustrate our relationships to get our attention. So if you have never, I don't mean believed in Jesus. If you've never surrendered your life to him.
You know there's a song that talks about grace shows up when were at the end of our rope. Some of you today as you hear my voice you're at the end of your rope looks like the end of your marriage or looks like you and your child are never going to be connected again. He wants to help you but you have to surrender all that you are and all that you have and say Lord I want to do life your way.
Regardless of the cost. Regardless, the implications today, I surrender. I called a Romans 12 one moment is where you say to God I offer you my body as a living sacrifice. Lord today.
I'm committing to follow you to be into your word.
I know I need to be involved in the community of God's people, and I know what's right to do.
Honestly, I've just been doing it my way and so right now in your heart of hearts. Wherever you are. Would you pray and surrender your life to him and I will tell you that there's no magic bullet, things will probably get harder before they get better. But God is going to do a work in you and through you in this step.
I watch this happen. Thousands and thousands of time with people who they know they understand they prayed to receive Christ they understand about church but you are not all in your not 100% you don't walk with him. He's not the center of your life. And this is God's will for you and as you take this step. I'm telling you God is going to show up and then you have to obey what he shows you Lord I want to pray right now for my brothers and sisters.
I have lived in that place where I knew what was right. I knew what ought to be doing. I knew which relationships were unhealthy and unwise and yet I continued in them and I was miserable. Lord I pray for every single person listen to my voice that knows what they need to do, but is not living that way, but right now by your power and your grace they will surrender to you and take a baby step toward you, Lord, I pray that when as soon as we get done praying that they would text a friend that they know that loves you or go see their pastor or take a very vital next step to confirm the decision they're making right now Lord use so love your children will you help them now to walk in obedience to you that you might bless every area of their life in Jesus name, amen. Fixture will if you're looking to be more intentional and develop a deeper relationship with Jesus. We were great resource to help you it's chip series true spirituality becoming a Romans 12 Christian through this teaching you'll discover God's plans for your life while you matter. The need for genuine community and how to respond to evil and injustice. So if you want a clear blueprint to become a genuine follower of Christ. True spirituality is a great place to start. Besides chips teaching. Let me encourage you to order the book or get the small group resources, there's a lot of ways to experience the foundational truths found in Romans 12 to learn more about all the series resources for true spirituality go to special offers@livingontheedge.org or on the chipping remap has a wrap up today's program I have to tell you that one of the greatest things that happens to living on the ad is people make Jesus the Lord of their life and I've read literally thousands of emails and the change that happens is just absolutely amazing and it's a chain reaction and so I just want to thank all of you that support the ministry financially because when someone makes Jesus Lord, their marriage changes their parenting changes of who shows up at work changes. Thank you very very much for your financial support. And you know if you have not supported us or haven't supported us in a while or just, like to make it a habit. Maybe do it monthly today would be a great day to say something Christians need to live like Christians and I like to help Living on the Edge.
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