Real Love in Real Life - Four Barriers to Love, Part 1

When love and relationships are going great. Life is wonderful but the fact of the matter is our deepest sorrows, our deepest challenges are really in relationships.

Today I'm going to talk about two of the biggest barriers that just shut down relationships and how to overcome stay with welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge ship for Bible teacher Staley discipleship program motivating Christians to live like you're the little chip series will love in real life as he just teased in this program should expenditure to significant roadblocks that arose from experiencing love in our relationships.

It's really practical, so let me encourage LivingontheEdge.org download is free message notes and if you're looking for deeper insight into this topic listening after this message to hear some practical advice for trip to miss what he has to share if you have a Bible and he turned out to Genesis chapter 3 for chips message for barriers to look my wedding six weeks away and Teresa and I are. It is a confession we really do love a good cup of coffee and often decaf. Of course later in the day that we were planning our wedding and we were so excited and I like if you could in your minds eye to just put it in reverse for some of you know, it's like 40 years ago you were doing that, for others it was 40 days ago, but can you go back and think about all the excitement and you know what you got through the hassles of planning the wedding is getting kinda close and I like if you would, to dream just get, just in reverse sort of the dream in your mind of what were you hoping what were you expecting I mean when you walk down that aisle and when you said, I do and in most cases, friends and family and these hopes and dreams.

I mean for some of you since you are tiny little girls and for us guys thinking and I'm gonna find that right woman someday. What did you think it was going be like the member what what did you expect, but what were you hoping might my wife and I look back and I would say are the day we got married has to be one of the top maybe two or three days and maybe number one of all the experiences with me. It was awesome. It was just over-the-top awesome friends and sense of God's blessing and we had waited in long for this to happen.

So, are you there you got it mean just like these pictures just how wonderful to be, but we came back from our honeymoon little bit early because of one of her dad's brothers got sick and was in the hospital and asked us to come and pray and help him. It was amazing thing we saw a miraculous recovery and and so we came back to this empty apartment and in our wedding presents were therein and we unpacked a few of them and we didn't have any premarital counseling. I don't know why I'm not sure they did it in those days, all I can tell you is it was about a picture and we were trying to get this picture over the fireplace. I can't tell you whether she wanted it rider laughter high or low or whatever, but she said something and then I said something in.

She said something and then I said something else and then she said something I said something and I mean about team minutes. It was like I didn't think I could have feelings like this for Teresa, me, we did not have any big fights before we got married. If anything, we were little overly spiritual and we prayed together and sang together and read the Bible together but expectations and finances and kids in practical living and how was going to work.

I wouldn't really talk about that stuff we thought if you really love one another in all that just working out and all I can tell you is, I've only been married now and see him thinking back my mind.

Maybe it's like seven or nine days max because we had to come back early and I got so mad and she got so mad and I got so mad he slammed the door and I left and I got my little green Volkswagen and I got the booklet and am driving around Fairmount West Virginia and I go up into the mountains.

I looked down at little house and parlors apartment and I mess up that I'm II think I married the wrong person is to light what have I done, I thought, how can you have feelings like this never been so angry my life.

She makes me nuts.

I mean, I love her I love her I love her family. She said that to me, sweet little kind, loving Teresa, there's something in there. I did know about how come I didn't find out about this earlier.

I was livid and I was scared because I thought woe is us the rest of my life to be like this coming that this is like a lion came out of the closet and course. She's home crying and then get this. It's about a picture. Are you kidding me. It's about a picture and now neither of us can remember what the picture was about what went wrong.

That's what want to talk about every you had dreams I've had dreams you if you been married more than about six weeks you found out that is not exactly what you thought was to be right and if you married a long time you realize it's a lot of hard stuff that comes in marriage, and a lot of people want to get hard. They give up because they think they think something is wrong. I married the wrong person instead of this is normal. My experiences when you can define a problem.

It's about 50% salt. Okay I mean if you can really figure out this is the problem you're about 50% of the way there've understand it all okay now I know how to respond and what I want to talk about in the session is what went wrong or what are the barriers to intimacy and marriage. Not in your note you can see I have four premises there taken from Scripture and a lot of research on done over the years. Premise number one we all have legitimate needs and longings the need to have open, honest, vulnerable, completing relationships, accepting relationships, relationships that are affirming.

I long to have those most especially with my wife. We all along those second premise God originally designed our spouse to be a major tool in his hands to meet those needs and longings and not the only tool your mate cannot come through for you. They can't solve your problems, but a major source of meeting the deepest longings and desires that you have third premise the fall or send Genesis chapter 3 short-circuited man's relationship with God is mate in this world okay sin entered the world and we have these longings, and literally. It's like the wiring now is short-circuited so that premise number four becomes the reality what was once the most natural relational response.

Other centered grace giving is now the most unnatural responses requiring supernatural enablement and hard work to achieve in another words it in the garden. The first man in the first woman went when when when Adam was thinking, you know I can have a need in this area. There was just something that clicked in Egypt, I'd love to fulfill that credo can we do that, helping their horror of evil. As you know, taken a walk and wondering you know and what we can do that draft over there or you were to subdue the earth and do this and that at can I help you. In other words, the unconscious response to every situation before sin entered was other centered grace giving in and I want to help you. I want to put you ahead of me and then the fall occurred and when sin occurred that natural responses now unnatural. You see, when sin entered the world what was the most natural other centered grace giving caring for others turned opposite and to the other centered and grace giving and loving individual and to meet their longings went down deep.

You want yours that I want my way and I want it now in the picture is we have God's blueprint right at the blueprint gods of the top equilateral triangle would have a relationship with God's desires for oneness with one another but notice what's been added.

There's now a barrier between us and God. Something happened were not in fellowship with God. Now there's a barrier in that barrier is sin. And now there's another barrier there's a barrier between one another seat. This idea that I have. I can still remember sitting on the chair, sipping my coffee this beautiful blonde who I love with all my heart, who we prayed together we read scripture together doing ministry together. We had these dreams together. Everyone else was good have problems with. He didn't do it the way we did it, and they don't know Tresa and she's sweeter and lovelier and kinder and more wonderful than any other woman in the whole world and I was completely deluded and I'm just gonna be this man for her. It's all gonna work out great and we could even handle hanging a picture and I mean I had feelings of rejection and hurt and moon and pain and anger like I didn't think I could even have and that's because when we were hanging that picture my way is the way to do it. How I see it is how it is. Your difference isn't different, it's wrong. This is it.

And so once that was just the symptom we begin to attack one another. That's what sin does, but is not the only barrier see most of us think. Here's here's that myth hears them and it's it's you every movie you watch reinforces it. Every little book that talks about how wonderful an idea like thing is every TV show, says this if you really love one another it all work out loving another person is the most natural thing you'll be kind and other centered. If you really love one another. It'll be easy and it'll be great that is the farthest thing from the truth. If you really love one another.

It will require supernatural enablement from God and an amazing amount of hard work and it is the grace of God that teaches us to say no to worldliness and lust with passions and instead to live sober self-discipline lives of caring for the people and so I want you to pull out your pen and I want you to roll up your sleeves and I want to walk through the four barriers so that you can identify what they are in the first one is the big yell, spend most time on the barrier of sin and as you open what I want you know is this barrier of sin distorts the others to the others are normal barriers to me there's differences between men and women there's differences in terms of the you're just our personalities but that barrier of sin is going to tilt things to make even those things negative or bad. Let's look at barrier number one and its spiritual barrier of sin, shame, and selfishness. If you would open your Bibles again to Genesis chapter 3 and I beloved to spend a bit more time than we will but let me give you an overview of how the barrier occurred. The impact that it had been an impact that has now getting in verse one now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord is made and he said to the woman, did God really say you must not eat of any tree in the garden of the woman said to the serpent, we may eat from the fruit from the trees in the garden but God did say you must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden and you must not touch to quick observations.

The first attack and sin entering the world is in God's word. The first attack is you can't trust God's word about what's real, what's right what's true how life works.

The second air the first theological air of mankind was to add to God's word. God never said and not touch it and when you add to God's word and then you know what can you imagine what happened when she took the piece of fruit she's touching. She's not dead. All of a sudden it raises well I guess the rest of it's not true.

We go on.

He goes on to say in verse four, you will surely die, the serpent said to the woman for God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you'll be like God, knowing good from evil and when the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye and also desirable for gaining wisdom.

She took some of it and she ate it. The first attack is on God's word. The second attack is what is on his character. God doesn't have your best in my don't do God's way. I mean, don't.

Don't handle your money God's ways try to keep you from all the stuff you can just put it on time. Now there's an easy way to do everything get tax God's character. You know know.

Don't be a prude, are you kidding me, you know sex before marriage is try to keep something good from you.

Every command of God is guardrails because he loves you so much to protect you from getting something second rate or something that would hurt you in the very first temptation. What we have. God doesn't have your best and mine in the temptation always comes in the same three areas. It was for Eve. It was for Adam it was for Jesus and it is for us, she saw lust of the eyes, the food lust of the flesh, it would make her wise, the pride of life, and those it can be the strategies of shortcuts that Satan is going to use in this world system that we live in to pull you away and pull your marriage away from what God wants for you. She also gave some to her husband who was with her and he ate it and you might jot in your Bible, the first passive male and you know what is an interesting that when we get to the New Testament and God begins to assign culpability to the fall.

It doesn't say Eve fell, Eve was deceived. Adam went in with his eyes wide open. Adam had a issue of loyalty and Adam saw all the same things and he chose to disobey Ellis find out what happens then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realize they were naked. So they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Notice psychologically, what's happened the first human experience of self-consciousness occurs there wear of me what's going on with me. They realize they were naked their response. Shame after the shame they hide and that has been the response of human beings to God and one another. Ever since were self-conscious, coming off to people like me and my firm. What are they think how's it going. When I looked down deep and I see me. I don't measure up when I don't measure up.

Oh, I don't want to be rejected, so I will hide myself and I can hide myself a high-power money or closer looks or surgery and I can hide myself behind the paper or ESPN or magazine, or children, and so the process starts of this is how we begin to relate to one another and you just have different fig leaves on them they had on then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord is walking the garden in the cool of the day and they notice the hiding is it just from one another and they kid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. Now get a rhetorical question. Obviously, God knows all this happened, but he wants them to learn so I give them a diagnostic question.

He goes where are you and Adam answers. I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked so I hid. If you have permission in your Bible circle the word, afraid naked and hid how we relate to God and that's how we relate to one another. I'm afraid why I'm afraid something's wrong with me now.

I'm insecure I don't measure up.

I've done something wrong. There is both legitimate guilt and shame. I was afraid. And so what it is due.

He hid in the average couple spends a lot of energy hiding from one another and hiding from God somehow somehow you know is is is an amazing the human psyche. This all knowing God. We play all these games thinking you know he won't really see right you know you won't really see what's going on, and so a lot of us have a very significant struggle in prayer a hard time concentrating hard time really opening up because what you know is when you have significant prolonged relaxed time were you open your heart to God with the unitive he's going to convict you of sin and righteousness and judgment, but we wrongly think it so he can shame us and put us down and instead it's the arms of a loving God who says let me show you some things that are going to put a barrier in relationships and a barrier with me and the word confess means. Why don't you come in the honest and real and agree with me so I can put my arms around you and forgive you and cleanse you so that we can remove that barrier and that's why I don't know about you, the hardest discipline. My life is pretty. I mean, praying, deep praying, honest, and so we still hide and so when we hide from God. We don't get a supernatural resources to give our mates what they need to goes on to say who told you you were naked. Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from now and I want you just get there with me okay mentally. Let's just get there. They've been through this.

They got some fig leaves on their their relationship has really changed the if this is a lot bigger than the picture over the fireplace but but but but they've had that relational click where they were in sync. Now they're out of sync. Now God comes and you know Eve, I don't how long they've been a bit in the garden but we we have a general idea that they've had a great wonderful relationship without sin. And now Eve is going to get her first experience of what happens when things go wrong is your man going to step up for you. Can you trusting, is it safe to bear your soul and with the make a mistake is he gonna be there for you ladies, I want you in your minds eye to imagine what it would feel like when God of the universe.

Ask your husband this question and you listen to this response. The man said the woman that you put here with me.

She gave me some of the fruit of the tree and I hated sin. Shame, fear hiding blame shifting some awful by what you know about.

I was doing fine will only me and the animals were doing fine under what happened this woman that you gave me.

She's the problem probably not can open up to a man like that. Are you and she's a quick study.

So God then begins interior interrogation with her and then the Lord said to the woman, what is this that you've done. The woman said the serpent deceived me, and I ate. So the Lord God said to the serpent because you have done this curse are you above all livestock and all the wild animals you will crawl on your belly and you will eat of the dust of it all the days of your life goes on to say, I will put enmity between you and the woman between your offspring and hers, and then we get this messianic promise that comes out, we can't develop but he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel and then to the woman he said I'll greatly increase your pains and childbearing with the pain you give birth to the children.

Your desire might circle that word will be for your husband. Yet he will rule over you. So, here, here we have it is an interesting what's the problem. The man says it's the woman what's the problem woman. It's the serpent and cut it, and by the way, who makes that serpent, who made examples.

Anyway, she ultimately could we blame God. God this is your problem now what I want you to hear is God is going to give three curses, one on the serpent. We've heard one on the woman, and that as you read the text, one on the man now.

A woman's greatest desire is for emotional connection and a man's greatest desire is for impact and significance in what you gonna see is that God's curse is going to court the deepest longing in a woman's heart and soul and then the curse will fork a man's deepest longing in his soul because he's going to say what to the man you know now all your work. It's good to be toilets can be painful and there's can be thistles in other words you wanted. You want to subdue you want to make an impact you want to be significant. You want to make a difference. That's godly that's in you. You made the image of God seasons. I guess what it's all uphill now. It's always good to be difficult and as soon as you make some progress.

You look back is to deteriorate. Why the curses are an act of grace.

The curses are the kind gentleness of a heavenly father who knows if a woman could have relational connection and get her longings filled in the easy way she would need God.

The curses help her understand she wants to be relationally connected and you women so I mean like no one can know but you women the joy of giving birth to a child extraordinary pain and every time. That's the fruit but boy, there's the process and his word for desire has the idea of being in control over your husband see a woman is afraid. So what a woman's. Thus, she was to control things she does a lot of different ways. She wants to control environment. She was to control things and she can have this desire for her husband, but she was to rule over them. God says but he's in rule over you.

So those desires that are blocked will bring levels of increasing frustration but God hopes one day out of his mercy. A woman will sell you something.

Life's just too hard. I just can't make this on my own and she realize she needs a Savior and a deliver and Redeemer and Amanda keep trying to keep trying to keep trying and make impeccably and do this and do some do this and then the stock part of his brother to cut Munich is beautiful young other weeds come up another hut there's always weeds in a man's life matter how hard you try, how hard you were coming degrees you get how much money you make, how good you are in athletics. How good musician your there's always going be weeds in your life and there's always junk and is feeling warm over the next hill.

Then over the next hill. Then and at some point in time you wake up and smell the roses and you realize you're you're never ever going to do without tons of pain. And God gave that curse to us is meant to say you were never intended look like this. I'm gonna frustrate you to the point where you come in dependency upon me and realize only through my supernatural power.

My forgiveness and my strength.

Can you live out this life because there's a new barrier. It's a fallen world which is like the world got cancer.

It's like there was a kook there was a cosmic conflict. This world isn't like this anymore. It's tilted this way and so living out this life is always can be difficult and painful. Now notice what he says after he disciplines the man verse 21 then the Lord.

This act of grace, he says, verse 21 the Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and he clothed them. He sheds blood is a prefiguring of what will happen, and then he covers the shame that awesome. He forgives him there's always a price tag to forgiveness and this foreshadows the great forgiveness of Christ, and so an animal must die and the word covering here we are saying word for atonement. He's gonna do something that will cover their sin and cover their shame and then the Lord God said, now the man is become like one of us, knowing good and evil.

He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat and live forever. So Lord banished him from the garden to work on the ground from which he was taken and he drove the man out and placed them on the east side of the garden of Eden, and then he put this cherubim, it's huge, powerful, and have never seen one personally but definitions I get are the most powerful angels. With this flaming sword and another act of grace. You never can get back in here where the state that you're in. In this fallen state could become permanent and all the rest of Scripture. Really all of Scripture is you have a reality that goes up to Genesis chapter 3, and at Genesis chapter 3 restarted parentheses and you go all the way through all of life.

All Scripture and to get to Revelation chapter 20 and all of life is one big parenthesis and then in 20 and 21 all of God's raining in a perfect environment with people that he loves comes to fruition, but you and I get to live in Genesis 3 up to Revelation 19 are little bit 20 year marriage is always can be hard at forever because you are married to a selfish person who wants their way. Now they can they can get sophisticated and you know learn a lot of verses in God changes things in significant ways, but at the core of the flesh of us as human beings. I want my way. At the core of my being.

I want my wife to fulfill my needs on my terms. In fact, I summarize all Genesis 3. Here's the changes that occurred noticing your notes difference is okay male and female very different differences.

Originally designed to complement and complete one another, have become sources of friction, confusion, and competition see in a perfect world where there's grace you celebrate differences. All Adam I'm so glad you're so different than me. This is wonderful. I when I was dating Teresa. She was so organized that I married her. She was so rigid. Did you get that right so structured made me nuts went when we dated, I was spontaneous adventuresome to change the world. Then we get married.

Now I'm here responsible I'm doing all kind of wild crazy things. Second, sharing his turn to shame our insecurities and shame bring condemnation and fear so deep in your heart deep in my heart you realize there's a barrier your fears down deep you don't measure up. And so you don't want to open up who you really are.

Your mate is your friend will see who you really are givers have become takers and manipulators the unconscious goal in our marriages is meet my needs. Fix me satisfy my longings and it takes a radical supernatural intervention for that to be turned around when you want them to meet your needs. When you want" to fix you and to meet your needs and to say they are unable to do that they are hurting right now and so love by the supernatural power of the Lord Jesus Christ to Spirit dwelling in the empowered by his word and the community of believers.

I'm going to give my mate what they need the most when they deserve it the least at great personal cost you what, that's a definition of love is what love is. Love isn't it weekly feelings walking on the beach. Love is it walking down the aisle love is and everything's wonderful love isn't there's money in the bank.

The kids are healthy. Love is giving another person what they need the most when they deserve it the least at great personal cost and that's what Jesus did for you and me didn't. It's a choice, not a feeling now.

I love all the good feelings that come with marriage but all of us are most of us have been so brainwashed by the culture that we keep waiting and manipulating trying to get all the good feelings instead of realizing what we need to do is operate under. We got barriers and learn to love our mate. God's way in God's power and his amazing things in good feelings really come builders have become blamer's and we have a problem in your in your marriage. I don't know, but you gotta go. I but I bet I really have a bad attitude you know I must I must really be a not living up to my measured husband when we have a problem mate exactly where I go you know what a treat that shape up with this we saw about 24 hours not hate to say them to be honest with you right now. Maybe you have a conflict and immediately go. I must be a jerk. I must be so narrow, I must be so selfish.

Personally I don't go there until the spirit is hold my life. Finally, openness has given way to hiding women fear abandonment so they hide see at the core. Core core of a woman the reason you want to control your afraid you get laughed and we do things we don't even know his men to give you this fear that were gonna leave you either emotionally or spiritually or physically men fear failure so they hide on to talk about how we compensate how this works. The barrier first and foremost a spiritual. The answer is grace the answer is grace the answer is I can't do this. The answers I need someone to save me.

I need someone to remove the barrier from me and God, and I need someone to remove the barrier for me in my life. I need to have open access supernatural power. I need to be covered with his odd I need to be forgiven. I need his spirit depositing me and that I need to strengthen the power to give my mate. What they don't deserve what I don't want to give when they don't really deserve to get it from me and the payroll cost when I get anything back. Only grace is this application just a minute you've been listening to the first part of his message or barriers of love from his series real love in real life. Every relationship, whether it's inside a family, marriage or friendship dating couple has issues to overcome through the series chip will address the struggles that impact every relationship and unpack what real love should look like Discover how to better communicate handle conflict, and even be more romantic with your spouse. If you're ready to deepen every relationship in your life and be better at giving and receiving love in the series is for you. For more information about the resources for real love in real life just go to LivingontheEdge.org or call us at AAA 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003, or LivingontheEdge.org app listeners top special offers before we go any further, here's chip with a special word to share.

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All I want to know is that conflict is normal. It's going to happen, and in fact you know that the Scripture talks about as as friends sharpen one another will sharpening causes sparks and in our tendency is to move away or to blame or think that something is wrong. So here's what I want you to get conflict is normal and it's not even bad. It doesn't mean everything is over doesn't mean you failed. It doesn't even mean there's a huge problem that you really want to stay with us in the soul series I'm to spend to broadcast to full broadcast on how to resolve conflict and and how to actually learn to communicate even if it doesn't come naturally. So here's what I want you to get. Here's the application in your current situation, seek to understand instead of the understood okay seek to just trying to figure out what's going on with this other person where there's conflict. Second, seek to own your area of needed growth instead of focusing on there's no more you focus on them and what they need to change and what bothers you, it will constantly send you into frustration and cause division and the relationship so just ask yourself what could I change and then the final thing is that the answer to all great relationships is being on the common bond of the Lord Jesus Christ asked God to speak to you and pray I have a friend is a very very powerful. A CEO is to have these huge jobs and a godly man and all the rest, and in a casual conversation because of some circumstances. He said my wife and I started praying out loud every single night is something we never prayed every single night before we went to bed and then he looked at me and he's been married in a skip +30 years. He said we are closer now than I can ever remember, that just might be the very one thing you need to do.

Just before we close. Would you prefer those were feeling challenged to respond to chips encouragement right now. There's always a spiritual battle when we feel prompted to draw near to God, thanks for taking a minute to do that and if there's a way we can pray for you. Let us know. Call AAA 333-6003 or email chip@livingontheedge.org.

We'd love to hear from you and selects time for everyone here is saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge