Overcoming Emotions that Destroy - Turning Anger from a Foe to a Friend, Part 1

You know someone with the anger problem. Their outbursts of anger feeling that you may be those you love. Do you wish you could help them stop losing their temper. You can learn today to help others turn their anger from a fellow to a friend stay with welcome to this edition of living will be a coach with the mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians the Bible to pay for joining us as we continue our series overcoming emotion know this program chip suggests that anger can actually good, rather than as a weapon or practical guidance and advice on complex topic.

Stick around after today's message for some additional thoughts from chip without turning your Bible to James chapter 1 trips talk, turning anger from a fold to a friend. I was an adventure. Some eight or nine-year-old is probably hard to believe but I was a very high risk loony kid that was in the emergency room regularly and so we were visiting my grandmother and she lived out in the country in West Virginia and have this huge hill right behind her house and there's little barn, and of course when I got there is not nine maybe 10. I can't remember exactly but she said someone's keeping course in the big field. The go straight up don't go near the horse. The horse is wild. It has been written in years. It's a huge horse. You could really get hurt chip you hear me. Don't go near the horse.

I'm thinking I got that one down absolutely enough. I knew exactly what I do so I got my sisters to help me in. We found some stuff and we fed the horse we got closer and closer and I saw there was that a saddle on 10 years old. Me and my sister you hear you fading here and we got him to put the saddle on I'm not sure how to do it. I start pulling stuff, you know watches West Indian figure this out side you know it's a little loose but is not working and we had a rope. I did know how to do you know the bit through the mouth and all that so we put a rope around his neck and and now punky my sister. They know you.

You keep feeding him and I'm getting it on. If you know and and in and back on mine. My grandmother now don't you touch that horse so I get on this horse and I know you're not supposed to hold onto the horn, but when dear life begins at this horse bolts up. I mean and I mean it's like a 45° and there's rocks and he runs as fast as how to blast minimum minimum minimum minimum minimum to get to the top and he stops and he turns around and went. Oh, and he goes straight down and I mean now I'm just hanging on like this, like this, like this and I'm realizing I me were going for the stance I'm thinking I'm gonna die and so I thought you were going so fast.

If I bail out it's gonna hurt the fences can hurt more so I just jumped off the side of the horse and hit a rock 'n' roll little bit and that he was angry and ran a try.

Didn't mean the rear end and I got out of there in your thinking. What does this have to do with anger. Many years later, after learning that horse can be really wild and dangerous. I have a friend who trained horses and I went to the school camp and I got on this horse and he described horse. He says if you want to do this say that you need to say is if you want to do this with your loop with the need you like that to do this with your other knee if you Hear he'll do this all just make this sound hill back up as all get out. It was like driving a car is amazing. Here's the deal there, both big, strong animals. One was a wild stallion out-of-control the other with a bit put in its mouth became a source of great joy, good transportation and a lot of fun. That's the picture I want you have about anger out-of-control today what it's like a fire outside the fireplace under control focused understood and used like a fire in the fireplace brings light and warmth and solar talk in the session about as well. How do you do that how do you make anger work for you and I just touched on it. I want to go through the a the CDs of anger and as we do that, I'm gonna ask you to pull back in your memory my moment. I actually learned this. Sometimes God does something, and you have this aha moment and what I learned to do, say, God, how did you do that okay.

I was studying all the stuff I came home I was lonely hurt struggling.

I got mad I didn't know I was mad I went to bed. I got up and yelled my kids and was a jerk as a husband. Okay then I got a set my car. I sat there for 10 minutes and I realize I'm angry because I'm studying this right now and then once I acknowledge my anger. I backtracked to the primary motion, and I realize anger is a problem. I'm sad I'm lonely I'm disappointed in the number three what I do. I considered because I had hurt and expectations.

I expected everyone very unrealistically at 930 to be waiting on the edge going daddy's home life's wonderful but I didn't think this all through and then finally the last thing I did is I determine how to best deal with in my moment of truth was joy, sickness, car stuff, it leak it later. Like a dinner hey honey, what was happening last night, so if you were sleeping total kid did you have a good day. I did and that's what I would do or do I walk in there. Feel very vulnerable very naked and say to my wife. I feel hurt and lonely disappointed because I needed you and you're my best friend and you weren't available and I understand why and I understand my expectations were totally unreasonable, but I need to be around you. By the way, I never finish that story design tell you right where was in the kitchen. My wife put her arms around me.

She said hi and I understand a new one.

We just that when you get home tonight let's take a walk, grab a cup coffee and I just want to hear what's going on and I get this great hug and you not II had I had a little decision that turned an entire day instead of stuffing anger, getting mad leaking later and probably not have a good day being matted other people. I find other people to blame and instead I acknowledged my anger a. I backtracked to the primary motion be. I considered the cause. See my expectations. DI term determine a course of action in this particular one, although I wish I could say it's I do it all the time.

I did the right thing and I experience God's grace. I went from a wild stallion out-of-control make your bed.

You had your quiet time take out the trash to a father, forgiven, filled with the spirit reconnected with my wife and with my kids might anger taught me something to help me grow also help me realize the extent of need that I have and it told my wife something Lotta women especially married to people that are kind of have a lot of energy and it let my wife know I really need you I need you a lot and so actually communicated love to her some and encourage you when you get angry and by the way this week very hard for stuffers. You may need people to tell you you're angry because you're been so trained in stuffing you actually need to give them permission that when you start behaving in certain ways they can say I think you're angry but this can be a tremendous process and I what I want to do in the real practical is the who, what, how and when of determining how to deal with your anger coming. So what what you do. So here's the questions you want to ask at who am I really angry myself, someone else the situation were God know this may sound simple but I expressed my anger.

I thought I was angry at my son for not you know having his chores done or my daughter for not making her bed or my wife because she had the audacity to say I'm being unreasonable with the kids. That's not who I was angry until you get clear on who you're angry at you can't deal with it rightly and you can't heal my friend Dr. Becca Johnson in her counseling tells a story of the young woman who was date raped been in counseling for a long time and was not making progress and she said you know had a breakthrough in one of the sessions in this young woman discovered that her anger's focus was really not so much on the perpetrator but she was mad at yourself and she was taking on the guilt which is not uncommon with rape victims.

It was why I ever go out with that guy I saw a little read flag. Obviously nothing and so she was blaming herself mad at herself and it wasn't until she realized you know what I'm angry with me that then she could see no way to second. Are you responsible when people hold you down and do unmentionable things now see until you understand who you're angry at you. Have a hard time dealing with one of the real issues and we believe a lot of lies my life. You know it we do a series on spiritual warfare.

If you think this isn't an arena where the enemy he's a liar he's a condemnor he's an accuser affect the key passages what the angry get don't sin, don't let the sun go down on anger and why lest you give the devil a foothold. So a lot of these when you have unresolved anger. There's all kind of Christians that never think this demonic satanic powerful forces.

He doesn't need to have things moving your house or scare you to death if he has you believing a lie about condemnation and ruining your present relationships coming why should he show you himself when he has you buffalo now and by the way some of you are starting to deal with anger issues and started to talk about things and it gets really hard and really difficult and really threatening. I got news for you. There is huge spiritual opposition about you doing in obeying and listening talk about stronghold so the first thing you need to find out is is is who are you angry yet. I have a very, very close friend, godly young woman known for years and about every six months to 13 months.

She has a complete meltdown.

She's been single. She's now in her late 40s and attractive, bright, all the things you would ever think, and she I mean, gets depressed, just it took about five years to realize and for her to admit she's mad at God, she's really mad at God, why haven't you brought someone into my life and she has some really warped views of God and so she thinks God is punishing her, and she has a lot of things, but until she came to the point where she realized she wasn't mad at these guys who ask you out. Once these guys want to get sorta serious, back away.

She wasn't mad the Christian guys seem to be. She had her anger at all kind of different areas. She finally railed. I mad at God, and by the way lease from the book of Job, and from the Psalms. God doesn't seem to be too upset when people were honest and candid and angry with him in order to get to the heart of issues he can handle. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, he's near to those who are crushed in spirit. He's near to those to come him in truth Isaiah quoting God says call to me. Present your cause that you might be proved right. God longs more than anything else for us to be honest and come to him with the role pain in the hurt that we have so number one as you go through this knowledge are angry or backtracking menu and civil, whom I met at second what should I do right. Okay not discovered who I met at well it's my spouse is when my kids, it's me, it's God. What should I do express it directly or release it indirectly.

Do I confront the situation or do I conceal it. My plans make matters worse, or make them better. This is where I'm gonna ask Dr. Becca Johnson. She says into paragraphs because this is critical. What do you do when you realize you're angry and be you're angry at someone, do you directly. Go at it and deal with it and when you not. She writes when we find ourselves in an unwanted situation with angry feelings. We basically have two choices do I express my feelings directly to the person or do I release them indirectly through various activities dealing with it directly means choosing confront the situation we try and change. We act rather than acquiesce, we take action and appropriately let the person involved know about our anger and its root emotions. What contributed to their existence and what we would like to be different. It's best to express ourselves clearly without blaming or attacking. We let our anger be known, but in ways we previously discussed, I feel blank when you blank. I wish you would versus demand we get it out wisely and carefully never impulsively without consideration of the consequences and the causalities dealing with our anger indirectly gives us more options. Sometimes it's best to accept things the way they are conform and not to share our anger with those involved conceal, but it's important to make sure our motivation isn't from an uncomfortable situation. We choose this option, not by default or out of hopelessness but out of a calculated conclusion that it would be best not to stir the waters were rock the boat at this particular time in this particular situation. Wisdom sometimes demands that we choose not to provoke or reprove someone when past history or other circumstances dictated to be an unwise practice. Sometimes we have to find a new job do business with a different company. Discontinue unhealthy relationship we choose not to confront but to quit. We should consider this only after we've outweighed all other options carefully and determine that letting go is the best course of action to make sense to there's times where you work for a boss and he's making sexual advances. I feel uncomfortable when you make jokes like that and they continue make sexual advances, and you understand that your role in the company is of the kind that there may be a time there someone you to report this to any need to directly say this is the way it is and understand the consequences. There's other times where maybe it's a different situation and you realize no matter what you do, your powerless your role in the company.

Your role in the relationship you said it's 78 times. It's the 79th. Nothing is changed. Just trying to reprove a mocker and utilizing something. All it will do is inflame the problem. I prayed about it.

I'm willing I'm not uncomfortable. I would do it and you praying God's vision is something this is not one don't go down this road again. How many times you need to knock your head against that wall for that bump on your head to get bigger and bigger and more painful and realize on this one. You know what you know there was a time, what did Jesus say some of the disciples in a get the dust off your feet move on to the next town. You don't always have the ability and sometimes it's not God's will resolve everything with everyone.

You do the best you can.

As far as it depends on you and that's why by the way, we have a Holy Spirit he will show you if you're willing and open what to do in various situations.

The third issue is not only the who are the what the hell how I deal with the situation.

Should I do it in person. Should I do it on the phone.

Should I do it through a letter.

How do you know what to do.

I would say the best way if at all possible, is a person. It's the hardest way, but that's the best way because one you can read the body language and you know the goals you speak the truth in love. I feel hurt. I feel disappointed. I felt used when an and really you get to express your anger to a person when your motive is. I love them and I want to restore the relationship, not this will make me feel better because I'm getting vengeance.

The goal of most anger is vengeance. And so you need to forgive the person right I'm going to release you. That's what forgiveness is all about.

I'm to be merciful to you the way God is merciful to me, but I'm not can be a doormat so I'm going to tell you I feel this way when you do this but I'm doing it, not because I can guarantee. The result is because I love you and you need to know the truth and the truth will set you free and I'm not going to sit on this and bury this and stuff this and pretend that things are okay and have an inauthentic relationship. So in person is usually the best way but sometimes because of how the person might respond. You might say will. Gosh I did that once and that's help when they rewired my jaw right or I did that once and it was and so maybe a letters the best way to go to a person that whether they're dead or whether it would be totally inappropriate and you know the response to write a very specific letter. I feel blank when you and because you and you write it out and listed out and you get it out here. I remember a time where the long story. I won't go into it, but I was a guy called me under the premise of something and was trying to trap me and recorded the conversation trying to make me say something bad about someone else and then never played it but told people I'd said things and you know it was a I was pretty young and I like 38 and I was livid. I mean, I was just I found out about.

I was on the livid I'm you had anger fantasies. You know like pretending terrible things happen to him saying stuff that is the Lord you know and I'm and I was enough. I couldn't sleep and I was angry and a member eat lunch with a fellow pastor really godly guy and he said you know what chip you need to do. You need to write that guy letter you need get it all out. Need to get really straighten and it is a brother that really loves me. And so man I did not wrote it all out wrote it all out rooted out to simply read that thing and I he read it as well. So the motivation for this letter was well menaced. I did this terrible stuff and he needs to know so so so motivation is justice right and then I noticed that some little innuendo here. It's not very innuendo. It's like you're gonna really slam in the sky as true okay is true, but so you really want to Pingback on the fight.

Call that that sounds too much like vengeance and that sounds like some only God should do an anyway I wrote that letter and he said once you try rewriting it again when you feel like the gold of the letter to restore his relationship to God and his relationship to you, and took me three or four days try to get to where I was willing to do that. I eventually did it. I wrote a letter and then he challenged me said you want to encourage you to do want to take that letter put an envelope and put in your briefcase and once you sit on it for 30 days.

I did and all the venom all the junk all the injustice in God begin to speak to me and then in that particular case.

That letter became just a little monument of God and trust my reputation to you at the end of it.

The core of my anger was not what he did.

The core of my anger was I was zealous for my reputation.

I was zealous for what people might think. And for me was a step of faith. The Sam can entrust that to you Lord and I watched after years later God took care of all of that I never sent the letter. There's a time to send a letter. There's a time not to send the letter for some of you, you write a letter and you have a good friend. Look at it help you process but there's people in this room. I guarantee that have 1020 3040 years of pain and resentment that's buried for parents or people or someone who walked out on you. That is unresolved and it's been a poison in your soul and you need to sit down.

Maybe this afternoon right to three-page letter of what they did, how you actually felt how angry you really felt the negative impact and consequences it's had on your life and you get down to the and by the grace of God when you can say in meeting and I forgive you, and you may never need to send the letter to make sure someone reads a couple times before you ever send Joy this year's application just a minute you've been listening to the first part of his message turning anger from to a friend from his series, overcoming emotions that destroy anger is always had the reputation of being a wrong wrong healthy response but did you know that anger is often the byproduct of a deeper problem if properly handled can actually be used for good in this five-part series chip uncovers the genuine sources of anger in our lives explains how we can turn our frustrations into a helpful tool. If you're ready to better understand and control these feelings of anger and don't miss a single program for limited time all the resources for this series are discounted with you're looking for the small group study guide the message notes or the book chip road on this topic, we've got you covered. To learn more about overcoming emotions that destroy go to LivingontheEdge.org or call AAA to 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003, or LivingontheEdge.org app listeners tap special offers before we go any further chip.

I can see you want to jump in here ensure something that's really special to you. One of the great joys of my life is the letters, emails, Facebook messages that I get from people literally all around the country and all around the world and they tell me these amazing stories of how Living on the Edge has been a tool used by God to change their life. Maybe you're one of those people that have really been impacted by the ministry. I mean I hear from people from every age, profession background, every person imaginable and what I hear is this same constant drumbeat of God spoke to me. I took a step of faith. Now God's using me and what I want you to know is that that's the heart of our ministry.

We want to put teaching and tools in small group materials and downloadable things that we actually give away to help people, not just live like Christians but be ambassadors and agents of change and grace in their homes, their schools and their workplaces. If you're one of those people that God has impacted you and actually you're impacting others because of Living on the Edge have a very specific request. Would you consider becoming a monthly financial partner and of course it helps us practically no doubt about it.

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Now here's chip with his application. As we close today's program. All remind you the little story that I compared anger to wild stallion, you know, there's nothing wrong with the horse but out-of-control dangerous under control useful adventure anger. Anger is not bad.

It is not sinful.

It is not wrong.

It is a neutral emotion that can be used for great good or great damage and most of us really have no idea how angry we are and then we talked about you know that the very specific game plan of be sure you know who your angry at what you should do and then how to deal with the situation will have a friend I was visiting and were good buddies and that he's a fellow pastor and we were talking and he went through a huge leadership issue in his church. I mean just one of those deals that is a past you just wake up one day and you go what in the world happened and that he talk to me.

Apparently I buy dropped in this book in the mail year or so ago and he said I started reading this book and he said I realized some of the big issues. I mean bad things were happening out there and some ungodly things, but never in my life thought I was angry. He said I realize I had major anger issues, but I was a pushing downer and a leaguer and then I begin to see how that had infected the leadership culture. He said I read that book God did something crazy and then pretty soon I was sharing in counseling.

You told me to be said. I just forget it. I bought a case of these things he says what I do now as I get counseling. I realized I got anger issue. I said you know what. Counseling go-ahead read this book. Come back in a couple weeks and he said thanks a lot you help me out, so all I can tell you is you know, even pastors. What we just people that we all think are so godly and so wonderful at NAR. But anger is one of those issues that most of us have thought is so bad, or we don't think we have an anger issue at all. We never realize that God wants to use it for good.

How about you what you need to do with your anger. Let's get out of the denial. Once you pray, honestly, God show me show me where I'm angry and how I can deal with it and I'll tell you what, he'll meet you as we close, I want you to know that as a staff we ask the Lord to help you take whatever your next faith step is if there's a way we can help. We'd love to do that. Maybe give us a call at AAA 333-6003 or connect with us@livingontheedge.org while you're there to find resources on all kinds of topics, many of them absolutely free one.

Glad you've been with us until next time. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge