Intentional Parenting - Memories, Presence, Models, and Peace, Part 1

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Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge Chip Ingram trips are Bible teacher. This daily discipleship program.

Motivating Christians like first of April were nearing the end of our series, intentional taught by our guest teacher Doug Fields is the senior director homework center at Azusa Pacific University and is voted off over the last several programs Doug has been encouraging and grandparents by identifying 10 characteristics every kid needs from caring adults are looking for some deeper insight into this important topic. Keep listening. After this message to hear some practical advice from Chip and they're not going to want to miss what they have to share that appears Doug with his talk memories presents models and whole three are in part three of this series that we've been doing what I'm talking about 10 actions that all kids need from caring adults and that caring adult could be apparent that mostly what I'm going after.

But really, grandparents, aunts, uncles, mentors, coaches, teachers, anybody who's not a hermit whose life intersects that of a young person what all kids need we been unpacking that I wish I could spend a lot of time at the front and catching you up for those of you that missed but it's all online that you can listen to that if you did miss and I encourage you to do that. Basically what we been saying is that having an endgame in mind. What would it look like if the kids we were entrusted to the parenting to care for and to mentor I hadn't had a sense of confidence in character and convictions in compassion and ultimately were competent people that they were just taking up space on this playground that we call earth that they could actually do something with their God-given skills. So we have that end in mind what we do to build into that and I been given these so far.

Six. Actions talk about strong belief, ongoing affection, Encouraging Word series find delicate discipline and activated responsibility now. Last week I got an email from one of you and it was great. Here's what he wrote. I told my would keep them anonymous asked for his permission but keep you anonymous. After church we came home we set our 679-year-old daughters down my wife and I said, quote your mom and I learned the church today about being better parents. You have some consequences around here when you make bad choices and we aren't going to yell anymore.

The seven-year-old said I'd rather you yell the nine-year-old said you guys should go to church anymore.

I did you see those kids in there like, oh wait, things are going to change your mess with my world that you've already created a mean parents are weird guy and I mean I think my my own.

I'm sure this once with you before I grow up as a teenager in the 70s here in Orange County and I wouldn't say was an abusive home but I would say this like my dad was a an accountant and my mom was a seamstress so he put those two together you just described Helfer teenager because the accountant dad would say we can afford it in the seamstress.

Mom would say what I make good for you. So as a teenager I go to school in Orange County and homemade close now by show of hands having you remember from the 70s OP shorts see all you men. If you don't OP shorts. They were it they were. You are cool if you had OP shorts OP stood for Ocean Pacific.

This is where trend started in Southern California I'm right in the heart of it, and in Orange County but my dad would not pay $28 for a pair of shorts.

I don't care if they're lined with gold. Douglas, you know that's that's the lecture that I got so my sweet mom said I'll make you an before I could say no.

My mom had whipped out a pair of OP shorts corduroy from a distance they look just like OP shorts into you got up close on the pocket. There was no which is exactly the point of wearing labels, creative labels weren't important to teenagers you know and we will make fun of our teenagers now are so materialistic we forget we were to but so my my zoom on the zone OP shorts. These are just generic brand shorts. I'm not wearing these so two days later I get them on my pillow with the bow.

My mom had embroidered not OP because she did. She was scared of the infringement police, but she had embroidered D. T on the pockets for Doug's pants that was that was what I grew up in. But as I look back at my parents. They did a lot of things great. They did a lot of things goofy, but they were sincere. They were sincere in what they tried to do what they try to pass on to me.

Actually, that that memory moves us to the the seventh action that I think all kids need from caring adults and that is positive memory healthy kids have great memories. So when it comes to our childhood, there's a flood of things that come back and personally I'm thankful for more good memories than bad memories, but truth be told, no family is perfect and you as a parent you are going to create some bad memories.

You act like a child is an adult and do something that's can wound your kids you're going to yell too much or to create shame you're going to get you going to get angry and use terrible words that's going to happen.

But how beautiful that we get this long amount of time as parents that we can create more positive memories than the negative because in addition to my mom making my close I can actually see things in my mind when I go back to when I was four or five years old. Learning to ride a bike.

I can remember my dad pushing me from behind the bike. I can still remember my mom clapping, partly because her arms bicep thing, just wiggle let me bow everything clap when my mom clapped and I still I still remember the joy on her face.

I met my dad coming home from work one time you take my tennis racket to get a restrung and instead of getting a restrung again.

My accountant dad. He brought a brand-new tennis racket.

I just remember the thrill of being surprised by a member. My mom was that all of my games. I could hear cheering, which was easy because like I said on the bench like it.

I can still hear my career, my dad coming home and and shoot hoops with me in the front yard are playing catch and he wouldn't even take off his his suit and some days when he had a bad day could tell us that Douglas them to go change, but I just I have that memory my dad coming home, get out of the car. Bam catching the football shoot and oops and in his suit. I remember vacations driving across country I members a little boy going through Mississippi and wondering where Mr. sippy was and my mom just laughing so hard and the dog barking and I give the dog a lifesaver.

His breath was bad. He choked on and threw up on my sister iMac.

I remember that stuff. See our lives are this are this museum in memories contribute to that museum and every memory is like a frame in the film of one's life and I know for some of you. Your museum is a little darker that your museum has memories of pain and hurt and abuse, and honestly I am so so sorry and I don't pretend to understand your pain but I do know that you can be the adult to stop that cycle and not pass that on to your kids that I know you want a brighter future for them and you can read deemed that you can redeem this whole idea of family by creating these these positive memories see memories make up the foundation of who we are and I will tell you that memories are very biblical. Actually, God wants us to remember if you were to take it a scope through the entire Bible, you would see the remember word used a lot.

As a matter of fact there's several memory builders, one called the Sabbath. It's a day to remember and to worship God, the creator, the Sabbath, there is the feasts which were to remember that God is holy and he is a provider there's communion while we celebrate the Lord's supper to remember what Jesus did on the cross for for us in the Old Testament there was all these rocks and memorials to remember what God had done. Take a look at Deuteronomy in the Old Testament chapter 4 verse nine does only be careful and watch yourself closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart. As long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. Grandparents were to create memories God is saying that which is good. Remember not only remember it, infuse it and solidified into your your heart and your soul. So as a parent. Building memories is not optional. You are building memories. The question is are they going to be positive memories or negative memories.

So when the frames of experience are all spliced together in one narrative is a going to be a positive narrative or negative me are your kids can remember a mom who was in nag her mom who was playful dad who wasn't present or dad who was playful think I can remember their parents marriage is there. There were always there, always argued or they can remember the parents marriage that mom and dad were were crazy about when they remember parents are yelled all the time. Her parents, who laughed a lot say they're going to be memories, grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, that you have memories of you to member your life intersects the life of other kids again remember grandpa.

The grouch grandma the ground take his shoes off at the front door. You get plastic on all your furniture because you know they're there coming over. You're more interested in will of fortune reruns than than playing with them.

I gotta make memory something really practical. I put a bunch these in your notes you first you said make up traditions of your kids are little start now. One of the traditions in your home.

What were your kids say every birthday.

We did this every first day of school or lasting score Sunday night was spaghetti night or every holiday.

We did this, you know, my dad would wake me up on flag day wearing a flag you know nothing else just a flag and knows high potential for memory in therapy but traditions add to the flavor. I actually brought this to show you because this is something we do might kids do this since her little you go to Chili's or this is outback. You'll go coconuts for our trip and we take these we play mouth catch with them. We have contests who can catch them see you fling on her across the table like that and the other person has to catch them in the mouth so it is really a simple game he just read and you to the units, and we don't have that big of a table, but it's not as easy as it sounds. We did when we were little and you're going fields. You are insane will my kids did not grow up in a bland home that my oldest is 25 in a serious relationship were out to dinner couple weeks with her boyfriend and outback. She's the one who brought it up. Dad see how good John is okay. You know that's that's what I mean by a tradition that when you notes capture memories photos. Every photo has a story behind it for you. It is so easy now with everything, photos and videos being on your phone, it ought to be happening all the time. Our kids were growing up, we would have contests.

I just give them the camera and we would have photo contests in different places and the ones that were the finest to them is when Cody, my son took a picture of a guy on the beach with the speedo.

I mean, he thought that was so funny is like a seven-year-old it will really never seen a speedo before he's in therapy that you cockroach hotel in Panama City Beach, Florida having people fall asleep on on train that we were on. We were taking pictures of them that all is that is tells the story capture those memories. I putting their prioritize vacations because here in Orange County we think you know this is never a good time to take a vacation that's true so that's what you just gotta get it on the counter and say were going all family research by the way points back to vacations being the most grading the most memories for kids and it's not where you go, that they remember it's what you did with where you go. Several years ago I spent too much money. Take my whole family to Maui.

You know my kids remember about going to Maui is dead. Remember when we bought fireworks which were a leak which were legal. There we found that empty parking lot and we we shot off fireworks. That's what I remember for you that should cost me thousands of dollars. I could've done that in Barstow and been an innovator okay so you prioritize vacations that put their create adventures. One of the adventures for us every spring break. We take our kids did to Mexico and work in an orphanage or those who are less privileged taking jackets to the homeless people on on Sunday nights that going green onion hunting at midnight.

If you don't know, growing and hunting is looking up you can all do it at at the beach of you boys anything that expresses intrigue or mystery for danger or automatic weapons. You know all that stuff you know my son's birthday. I went to graduate high school I had kids coming up to me Mr. fields do you remember the time when we were they all remembered me take out some friends who live in koto and at night we would sneak onto the koto golf course and dressed in camouflage face paint. We had a pillowcase and a flashlight and you go golf ball hunting and if you're not is not to make sense to you until you try it, but when you put your flashlight in a Bush.

All of a sudden those balls just don't golf balls. Just light up like Easter icons, and we would walk out of there with hundreds of golf balls so memorable. I think it's illegal, but here's my point in all of this. Your kids would rather be in a deed broken Volkswagen van headed toward adventure than a really nice Mercedes parked in the driveway that's that's my point.

How secret memories and start this soon as you can is start writing your kids letters write letters why because at some point here is that they can ask, is anybody left me this anybody even know I'm alive. There's tension in my life and stress and pressure and is it even does does anyone even care about me than just imagine them having a box full of letters from mom or dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, coach, mentor teacher, here's exhibit a to building memories is going to get you in a in parenting and it is is never too late to start. I mentioned in the first message that my mom died a couple years ago in hospice right and right in the home as my mom was dying she knew she was dying she knew she had just weeks if not days to live was interesting about her is that she never said during that time she surrounded by her kids and her friends and just the sweet people that invested in life never once said he, Doug, would you go to the attic and getting all my bowling trophies just surround them.

Could you could you wrap me up in all the quilts that I made you. Could you bring me a PowerPoint presentation of my 401(k) in a pie chart you want when when mom died, it was photos. It was stories. It was memories everything summing up her life so my point. Memories matter in good parents make intentional memories, all kids need that break well kids eating caring adults as they need consistent presence consistent presence. The way you spell presence is TIME1 of the major contributing factors to healthy kids when you investigate their life. It's present parents that kids need your time. I realize it is very difficult to see tangible results when you give them time, especially when when their little but presence is so crucial to their development and I know there is some of you in here. You subscribe to that. The theory of quality time over quantity time and if that's you just tell you you're wrong okay you're just wrong to me. You can argue with me all you want, when you get to heaven you. You see I was right on on this one people who subscribed quality over quantity. They either don't understand parenting or they're just trainees the guilt of their own their own mistakes. See this idea of presence. It is a challenge to our priorities is always a challenge to our priorities and if I'm honest our selfishness. I mentioned this a few times in the series. If you are single parent. You're my hero that you are. You're my hero.

I honor you for working so hard to hold things together. I really do believe in God's economy in his sovereignty that he is going to bless you as a single parent in your kids again rise up and call you blessed. But what kids won't call bless are not the parents are working to survive but the parents are overworking to drive the nicer cars to live in the better ZIP Codes to have all that the toys to stroke their egos and then blame the kids or the spouse that I have to work so much to maintain this lifestyle dear kids would rather have your your presence then your presence with a T your money your toys presence matters in this idea again of presence. This is very big to God is think about this.

This whole playground that we call earth was brought into existence by God's presence. Then God said, I love humanity so much and I want to restore humanity. To me, God became president in the person of Jesus, the God man take a look. John 114 so the word were talking Jesus here the word became human and made his home among us, we can stop there. The word became human and made his almost no watch what happens then because after Jesus rises from the dead and ascends to heaven. You read moving of the book of acts what it what we have it with presence. He gives us the presence of his spirit absolutely absolute take a look at Ephesians 3 verse 16. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources, he will empower you with inner strength through his spirit, then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him as he presents his behavior to God. And now he's given us is unlimited resources and ideas and dad, I can become more present in my kids one listening to the first part of our guest teachers Doug message memories presence levels from a series intentional parenting 10 ways to be an exceptional. In a quickfix world kinship will join us here in studio with their application in just a minute just like a well constructed building successful parenting requires a great deal of intentionality, along with a well thought out plan and that's why were excited about this particular series.

Doug is providing practical advice and help for parents and grandparents in areas where they've struggled historically. If you're blessed to have kids or grandkids you have a divine responsibility to love and care for them and we want to help you do that if you invest time in the series, you'll learn how to be more purposeful as a parent and develop a biblical blueprint that will transform how you do life with your kids. For more information about intentional parenting. You'll find everything you need@livingontheedge.org or give us a call at AAA 333-6003 app listeners steps special offers.

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Your heart is with this because your money is is being given and helping us each and every day, but it tells us that you're really a part of the family that you are one of those people that and whether it's a big amount small amount.

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Thanks Chip if you'd like to become a monthly partner go to LivingontheEdge.org then tap the donate button. With a few clicks you can set up a recurring donation and be a part of regularly helping others benefit from the teaching of living on the H orbits easier give us a call at AAA 333-6003 to learn how you can become a monthly partner with Living on the Edge app listeners tap donate now, here's Chip in our guest teachers Doug Fields with some final application. Doug, as we wrap up today's program you talked about parents being present in the lives of their kids and you said that the way you spell love to a child today is T I am easy and you know parents are busy.

There's careers. There's sports. There's traveling teams there's school it is really easy to provide things for our kids and not spend time and when I found you not about you and think I'd love to hear maybe how you have done that but I actually put it on my calendar. In my schedule. I used to have a sort of a work schedule and then a family schedule and what I kept finding was that the family schedule got bumped and I finally said just one calendar, and I actually had dates and appointments with my kids I dates and appointments with my wife and sometimes it were.

This would be family. All of us together could you just give us some practical how can we get that more operational and maybe even touch on if you will. What are some of the lies that we believe that we don't spend time and we substitute other stuff and set it oversaw that's a great idea Chip on the one calendar that includes all the family activities is a very practical reminder of the how and spending time with family and this idea of time in presence in a child's life is very important and it's also the one that creates so much guilt with parents.

I get it when we were all busy. We have lots to do and set our kids in in our book intentional parenting we talk about this idea of consistent presence rather than constant presence and there's a big difference there.

See, most of us can't be constantly present in our child's life because we have job and career and responsibilities, but we can be consistently present in their life and there's there's no question that to even be consistently present.

It requires great sacrifice and sacrifice is at the core of parenting. That's what intentional parents do time is one of the few realities in our world right we we can't make more time.

If you're rich or your poor we all have 1440 minutes a day to Stewart, no more no less in those 1440 minutes they forces to calendar and plan and sacrifice so you look your calendar every week and make sure you have family time blocked out.

Don't allow the lies that we need more of this thing are the stop for a bigger house of this boat because that lie will cause you to work more and you miss out on being with your children.

Intentional parenting requires sacrificial choices. You know a great way to stay engaged and connected to chip in Living on the Edges with the Chip Ingram map, you get free access to all of Chip's recent messages as message notes and much more. Not only that, but it couldn't be easier to call or email directly from the yeah will be with us again next time with our guest teachers.

Doug Fields continues a series intentional fair. Until then, this is Dave Drewry saying thanks for listening to this edition of living on VA