Intentional Parenting - Fun, Discipline, and Responsibility, Part 2

I don't know about you but I am deeply, deeply concerned about America because what is happening in the home of Christians and non-Christians to their children is changing the course of the world. If there's ever a day for Christians who live like Christians as parents. I believe that is now we have to raise up the next generation Living on the Edge. I'm passionate and completely committed to what you hang in there with me and let's listen to Doug Fields as he teaches us some principles about how to be intentional.

Parents, thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge Chip Ingram, Living on the Edges of international discipleship focused on helping Christians really live what Christian is to just mention were continuing our series intentional parenting taught by our guest teacher Doug Fields. Doug is an author of speaker and senior director for homework center at Azusa Pacific University. This program, Doug picks up where he left off last time blaming the connection between discipline and responsibility.

But before we began.

If you've been encouraged by this series would you take a minute after this message shirt with a friend they can do that through the chipping remap, or by sending them the free MP3 LivingontheEdge.org once joint.

Doug now for part two of his message fun discipline and responsibility.

Parents don't have to provide discipline right away. It's not like your traffic cop and you gotta get them right there. Now you can you can delay the discipline so your anger delays.

I grew up in a house where were my dad spanked with a belt and he would snap the belt folded over and then snap it a bail set out on the snappy know a lot of us in here. My dad even had a hose that he would use. A few methods of spanking, so he was mad.

He was a Douglas go get me something to hit you with what I realize a bright person but what I realized is the longer I took to go get something the better ones for me because it gave him time to cool down so I would return three days later with a pillow. Things just weren't so much much better. I still wisdom says regardless of the situation, regardless of the situation a mistake, or find a way to get calm to him and work hard to make sense to be wise I'm gonna bring discipline regardless of their response personally for my pain.

I think the best disciplines. What call discipline by choice discipline by choice is a fair consequence clearly communicated ahead of time connected to the offense that maybe if you taken outside right. No surprises.

Off to the side that the kid shouldn't have any any surprises there. Now what what this does is it it doesn't set you up against her kid. Most discipline is this me as a parent against my kid, but if it's agreed-upon ahead of time and it's in it's clear what happens is, and there's fair and natural consequences. What happens is it's me and my kid against the consequence and there's a big difference.

Now you need to figure this out in your contacts. What it means for your age-appropriate kids like when my kids you most recently again 2522 19; when they were in high school and my dog would recur few. So my daughter let's just say she breaks curfew. Well, a lot of parents meet the kids to the door screaming and yelling and shaming them threatening for caveat.

We played at different, we would ask the drug. Oh gosh, so glad you're safe. You know how much we love you and when you didn't come in on time or just getting a little bit nervous because normally make such great choices not. I started to get sad for you because I know how much you like to go out on Friday nights and now the next three weeks you have to stay in with me and mom.

I just I just feel so bad. But you know I figured you took all that into consideration because you know you knew that all choices have have consequences, and now no matter how well you say it. Your kids are still you get mad at me I'm never had one. My kids go you know dad, you're right thank you thank you mean the way that you establish clear boundaries and I knew what the measured consequence wise and I evaluated my decision and dad you're really an excellent father, thank you thank you thank that never happened. But what it does is it keeps me from being an idiot from yelling and screaming and shaming and posturing from any preference most difficult part of this is enforcing and if you can't enforce delicate discipline you're never going to be an effective parent and that that's a biggie. Because if you don't, your kids are never going to become responsible and that's the sixth thing that all kids need from caring adults as they need activated responsibility activated responsibility when people find out that I might advocate for kids know whether it's a radio interview or promoting a book or something like that people will say Doug when you think today's young people are so irresponsible that it's a fair question, but nobody likes my answer because I always say it's easy, it's your fault knowing you know what you mean it it's it's my fault. Yeah, it's your fault that kids are irresponsible. The reasons your father's because responsibility is not genetic responsibility must be taught and must be modeled and I think this one is one of the biggies to get us to the five C's that we've we've been talking about in the way for chemical and how I know if my kids your response. Like all the ABCs a stance for apathy where they just I just don't care about being responsible be as blame, it wasn't my fault it's the stupid teacher. It's the lame coach. It's my dumb parents always blaming everybody else.

The sea is what I call the care for me mentality, you know, I've been cradled my whole life.

It's not the big deal. Somebody will save me from this so figure they'll figure it out. You think today's generation of kids when they grow up. What are they going to say to their kids and their great grandkids about growing up in today's culture, like my, my dad would always talk about you know son when I was your age I would walk to school uphill both ways in the snow barefoot on razor blades media whatever it was, just, you know what is days kid always knows when I was your age I was hungry I had to. I did talk to a dietitian and one time my parents made me supervise the housecleaner that was that was for you to let parents how are we contributing to this let's let's at least hold up the mirror and say okay how are we contributing to kids being a response which by the way, if you look at culture. The average age of marriages used to be in the early 20s now there in the late 20s. There is a new term coming out called extended adolescence that adolescence is moving into the late 20s because people are not growing up there not taking responsibility for for themselves. So how might we be contributing to that one couple ways one always picking up after kids when their little not making them responsible. I think when it comes to money we make money easily available and not valuable enough. By telling kids they can do no wrong, that it's not there sweetheart. The reason you got a bad grade because your teachers just inexperienced guy nobody I don't know why you're sitting on the bench and you're the best athlete on that team and your coach coach just can't identify talent and by saving them from consequences. We need to allow her kids to experience some of the pain that goes with poor choices. So for example when the school calls and says your kid forgot their lunch.

What a parent do home – I'll get there right of way because I don't want my child to starve, not just starlight all my kid to starve to death. I know is there good diet. If they miss their lunch parents I do a lot of research on death by starvation and it takes the average person about 70 to 90 days to die from starvation.

I now maybe your kid is going to get a little hungry, and you know what those hunger pains will do will travel up into their brain to realize it was their responsibility to bring their lunch, not mom and dad's mom and dad make the lunch pay for the lunch, the least I could do is is take the lunch it's amazing.

I coached all my kids until they got into high school.

All the different sports and I had some parents who thought I'm sure they thought I was the antichrist and they wanted a different coach because I wouldn't let them carry their kids stuff like you 12-year-old baseball that moms would come into the dugout hang up the bag and get the cleats set on going on on on okay now my team and then having your kids 12 and he carried and set up issues on steroids. You not get out of my Doug Mrs. Armstrong activating responsibility in here is the thesis statement it's helping kids move from infantile dependence to healthy independence. What are some simple ways you got assigned chores and make them age-appropriate but kids when they when they have chores. It helps them develop responsibilities and it promotes life skills and work ethic, and yes, you could do the job better yourself or hire it out. That's not the point. Trying to help them become responsible and obviously I've said a couple times you got allow consequences that when you're always bailing your kid out each time there's an dilemma you're you're wounding them they need to experience consequences in order to be healthy. They have to understand there's a relationship between what they do and what happens to them. And that's a good relationship by putting your notes. I love this phrase consequences build self-esteem when kids realize that their behavior has consequences. Here's what they learn. I have power and I have control.

I don't always have to be the victim.

I can be in control. In this situation. I have power over those those consequences. Sony try to make this really practical and matter fact, how discipline and responsibility merged together so mom you go out and that 330 in the front yard. Jimmy skateboarding is a Jimmy need to get in and do your geometry homework and Jimmy says mom I want to do my geometry homework on a skateboard and you sewage commission. If you don't do your geometry homework you're never going to be able to figure out the area within a trapezoid and Jimmy says I can live with that Jimmy can live with that right Jimmy can live a very good life without ever figuring out the area within a trapezoid I'm in my 50s, nobody is ever my whole life asked me hey we got a whole bunch of trapezoid's back here anybody willing to figure out the area within those trapezoid's at which point I said yes but nobody's ever done that.

So with that and you will Doug there is a natural consequence in the natural consequences he will flunk his class. Jimmy doesn't care because Jimmy is going to be a professional skateboarder so this is when mom and dad or sometimes those of you are single parents. I told you this last week. The toughest job on the planning screen single parent, but this is when mom and dad when there is a natural consequence and its ineffective. We've got to establish some fair discipline so Jimmy developed possibility.

Jimmy, if you flunk that class you choose to flunk that class you don't ride your skateboard until Jesus returns care what you know.

Whatever it is because if not Jimmy will grow up to be a simpleton. In Proverbs 27 it says a prudent person foresees the danger ahead and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences. Parents, we want to raise simpleton's we want to raise kids with competence and character and conviction and and compassion.

So responsibility begins to be formed when when their little and you is apparent follow-through on the consequences connected to the boundary Strauss kids don't learn anything about boundaries, so those of you with little kids and you play the counting game. What that means is get to three get the three that's okay and then allow them calmly to experience a consequence, don't do that. Don't let me get one to maybe you don't. You're not hearing me. Do not let me get to three or there will be a cyclone of fury that comes out one to 2.12 points here you're figuring out areas within a trapezoid get to three I get to three calmly and may be inconvenient for you, but that's parenting thing. Let them experience the consequence. The goal is not to ruin their life. The goal is to help them develop some accents take. There's a a lot here serious fun delicate discipline and activated responsibility not to think about this week a lot to pray about your friend who told me you know Doug when my kids were little I used to talk to them a lot about God as they got a little bit older I started talking to God a lot about my kids and I think that's a great way of saying I know some of you are here in is apparent you're tired and your wounded and you're worried and if you plan adequate whatever it is not. I invite you to I invite you to talk to God about your kids and about everything else. No one of things that I do when I'm open to a time of prayer in my home office I have a chair and I have another chair right in front of it and sometimes I sit in that chair and I imagine I imagine conversation with Diana. Just got is sitting right in that chair and I realize for some of you that raises theological concerns like should you have three chairs enough or father-son. The Holy Spirit does the Holy Spirit even need a chair to zero. However, you know, whatever. For me, I I pictured God in the flesh is Jesus, the person of Jesus in and he's he's compelling. He's totally interested in me. He's warm. He's attracted to my heart. He's leaning in, excited to be there and to listening just communicating this this this warmth and a lot of times I do most of the talking, but sometimes I just I just listen. If I don't have anything to say just listening. I have imaginary conversations out the skin. It seemed dumb to you but here's one of my imaginary conversations where I see Jesus saying, Doug you you you make me laugh sometimes your you're really funny and I get this like sense of pride that man I'm I'm made God laugh out how cool is that. Then he says, you know, Doug Sellier, funniest stuff isn't even stuff that you say no I know, but I don't want to say it because I think it's too inappropriate and then Jesus has swelled it is that's not what I'm talking about how some of the funniest stuff is the stuff that you do rain like this. It's funny you know you make me laugh that you think you can do CrossFit at your age you you make me laugh when you go to Cosco just for free samples. You make me laugh that you think it's funny when people fall off their bike and Zoe got have this moment of laughter and then and then Jesus settles in and there's this warmth that radiates that that I feel and he says Doug I love you so so much and I love this time with you as I want to take a relationship to dig deeper deeper places and and I know you think Doug that you know how much I love you because your parent and you love your kids and that's cute but my love's deeper see your love is finite. You have a limit to your love, but my love is infinite and there is no depth and I take all of that love and I directed to you. It's the depth of love that you'll never be able to understand.

Then I interrupted cages. Are you saying I'm not smart enough and he he laughs again of a big laugh like I caught them off guard, which I know I didn't because he is God, so he knew what I was going to say so is obviously exaggerating to make me feel better about myself.

So that's kinda how that's kinda how it goes with me and in and prayer, but I share that with you because when I when I connect with God through prayer for spending some time to reading about Jesus and what he taught and how he interacted how God in the flesh modeled how to live for humanity. When I read that he wants to come in and totally transform my character and shape me into his his likeness. I'm drawn to him in the more drawn to him.

The more I I fall in love with him and want want to follow him and be more like him with and taken a look at a few words that are so powerful that we want to go deeply into your bones found in Ephesians 5 verse one word says follow God's example.

Therefore, as dearly loved children with those forwards as dearly loved children see when that becomes your identity. Everything changes when that becomes your identity that your dearly love child of God. Everything changes for some of us in here. Identity is what we do identity is where you live or what you drive or what's in your bank account. But if you could get your arms around the fact that your identity as you are dearly loved child of God, everything changes. See that's what helps her parenting. That's what helps our relationships. I can give you the best parenting tips and in the world I want to be really helpful. But if your parents been out of a broken identity or wrong identity or wounded identity. All my tips are gonna fall short, but this is what I want you to get people who know that there dearly loved are able to love dearly. People who know that their deeply loved.

That's their identity there able to love deeply. I want to help your parenting I do I really want to help your kids someone of your kids be the benefactors of this content that were talking about, but that's not what drives me with drops me is that if you draw closer to God and you fall more in love with him and you sense his love for you change everything. Everything that you and your relationships and how you act in God is not this distant deity that's out there that needs to be conjured up. He's here. Loving you laughing with you grieving with you. Hearing your cries his accepting of your your faults and your failures.

He's wanting you to know him in deeper ways, because he has wisdom to help you in your relationship. Specifically, in parent.

This is a Living on the Edge with shipping and you've been listening to our guest teacher Doug Fields share a message from a series intentional parroting 10 ways to be an exceptional parent in a quickfix world, just like a well constructed building successful parroting requires a great deal of intentionality, along with a well thought out plan and that's why were excited about this particular series. Doug is providing practical advice and help for parents and grandparents in areas where they've struggled historically of your blessed to have kids or grandkids you have a divine responsibility to love and care for them and we want to help you do that if you invest time in the series, you'll learn how to be more purposeful as a parent and develop a biblical blueprint that will transform how you do life with your kids. For more information about intentional parroting. You'll find everything you need@livingontheedge.org or give us a call at AAA 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003, or LivingontheEdge.org app listener steps special offers which ship your kids are already out of the house and grown but if you look back at your early years as a dad. Are there any words of wisdom you'd like to share with parents to help them be more purposeful with their kids will day. Yes, I tended to be the most intentional parent when we were having problems.

What I wish I would've done more of, was build in and be more proactive in other words, over the years. What I learned was that you just need to express genuine affection you need to have some really serious fun.

I had to remind myself, okay, they're going to be a lot like me. So I need to be a good role model. I mean there certain values that I want to teach it and so I tried to keep those in front of me, but what we've developed is something that I wish I had intentional parenting cards and I love it.

It's the 10 things as a parent that you want to be intentional about and instead of being overwhelmed.

It's like you take these like three or four cards in each area in your review of them for just a week every day and and so all the sudden get theirs a week of focusing on being generally affectionate and then the next week of encouraging words in the next week of of building memories that last and then one on serious fun is. So what it does is give you very specific practical ways to be intentional in an area with your kids.

What I know is most parents get serious about parenting when they have problems. The best defense is a better offense when were intentional about building things into her children that prevent those problems were to be way ahead. I wish I would've had these when I was a young dad and not so young, dad. I can't encourage you enough to get a set of these cards and put them into practice by strip with your wanting to be more deliberate about your calling as a parent or grandparent. Let me encourage you to order a set of our new intentional parroting cards that cover 10 specific areas to help you be more purposeful in the lives of your kids, whether it's learning how to discipline being a better encourager or discovering how to have serious fun. This resource will help you be the mom or dad your kids so desperately need to order your set of our new intentional parroting cards just go to LivingontheEdge.org or call AAA 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003 or visit LivingontheEdge.org app listener steps special offers.

Now for some application here's chip in our guest teacher Doug Fields, Doug.

Great message today on responsibility. I can't tell you how much I agree with you that consequences actually build esteem and that's not just punishment for acting up.

In fact, what were seeing now is an epidemic if you will that kids don't get the consequences they deserve. And then were shocked or surprised when there's irresponsibility later. I actually heard a term recently called the bulldozer. Kenneth it's a picture of a parent who just paves the way and removes any barrier, any consequence and can never be my kid's fault. So everything is easy for their kids thinking they're doing them a favor and the fact the matter is, the opposite is true. And I think you really touched on that. Could you talk a little bit about how to not be an enabler is apparent sure this is a fun topic of conversation.

But first of all, let's recognize that it's really difficult not to be an enabler or a bulldozer parent.

What because we love her children so much and in our amazing love for them.

We want to protect them, but it's also love and your job is apparent to help them grow up in developing to the person God intends them to be. You may be loving them in the wrong way by protecting them and keeping them from learnings and discoveries in consequences that are important for their independence and maturity. So we get practical like when little Johnny forgets his cleats in baseball practice and mom runs home to get them Johnny doesn't get to experience any pain or consequence to his forgetfulness, and it was his responsibility to get his baseball gear.

There, so maybe the most loving thing that mom can do is to allow Johnny to practice in his tennis shoes, or sit out the practice altogether because he forgot his cleats then the next practice when he remembers his cleats.

Mom can practice catching them doing something right and use positive words to reinforce that responsibility that you hey buddy, good job on remembering all your baseball gear. I bet you feel good about it. I'm proud of you and is much as parents want to save them. Being a a bulldozer parent who clears the way for them actually hurts that Anna and I get it it's it's counterintuitive for the parent to realize that pain actually produces character, and maturity responsibility is in genetic coming. Kids learn responsibility. When parents allow them to fail and when she can connect choices to consequences grow up and she's gonna learn how to live and interact and succeed in our culture. Instead of being an immature adult. Let me take just a second and think the generous people who make monthly donations to support the ministry of Living on the Edge your faithful gifts help us inspire Christians to live like Christians.

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Please know were blessed by whatever the Lord leads you to do well. Until next time, this is Dave Drewry saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge