This broadcaster has 1367 podcast archives available on-demand.
Keep up-to-date with this broadcaster on social media and their website.
November 15, 2021 5:00 am
You find yourself struggling when it comes to disciplining your children, how do you set clear boundaries, but do it with a loving heart. Well, that you stay with us. That's today welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Living on the Edges of international discipleship Street focused on helping Christians really live what Christian as many of you know trips are regular Bible teacher program for the series is passed the mic to his friend Doug.
Doug is a pastor and author with over four decades of experience. Ministry currently in the middle of the series intentional parenting before we begin, let me encourage you to use our message notes while you listen will help you get the most out of what you're about to hear download them under the broadcast about LivingontheEdge.org hapless nurse tab. Fill in the notes that here's Doug with a stock fund discipline and responsibility are we are picking up part 210 things kids need from caring adults to build on what I talked about.
And if you weren't here. You missed you go online and listen to that to be kinda caught up with them to build on those relationship principles. I will say that we said let's start with the end in mind will look like of kids that grew up in our homes, in the very and you look in your notes and a sense of confidence and character and convictions and compassion, and competence. I defined each of those and say when we made that our end goal. Because really it goes by so fast. I have three kids, 25, 2219. It feels like just yesterday that we were in the hospital giving birth to them. I say we I had something to do with it but we were we were there, and it went by very very fast.
This is my middle child, Cody in 1992, bouncing on my rock hard stomach at the time, and then I blinked and Cody graduated high school he went away to college to play football the end of the first semester he sent me and Kathy a text and said mom and dad. I feel God is calling me to do something radical with my life. I want to drop out of college and go serve in Africa before you shut me down.
Please pray about it. Use the prayer card on the pastor's dies a pastor's kid.
Long story short, my son dropped out of college to go serve orphans and street kids in in Africa did that for seven months and it's weird that you you raise your kids to have convictions and to follow the teachings of Jesus and then when they actually want to follow the teachings of Jesus and it doesn't fit in your plan for them, so I'm sure he wanted to drop radical. I'm not you know it. It wasn't what I dreamt up for him, but he's made up the times after graduating this this summer and last month he recently started taking flying lessons, which is another thing that I would not have chosen for him last week was his first solo which means when up all by himself and I've had chronic diarrhea ever since that that moment. But kids who are raised with this sense of confidence. Kids sure are strong in character. They have their set of convictions that actually express themselves in compassion, they will become competent to not take up space on this planet become competent to use the gifts and skills God has given them to make a difference in this world.
They may not fit your American dream.
Mom and dad.
They may not want to live behind a white picket fence with 2.3 children. They want to do something meaningful and impactful and it may break your mold something that you didn't dream for them like flying planes or moving thousands of miles across the world to care for those who are less fortunate that this picture that I have. My son is one that I just go makes me so proud.
As a dad that he didn't. He didn't go in the direction that I chose form he followed God sleep my wife doesn't like me showing this one because she thinks people think that's a cigarette in his mouth and it's it's not a cigarette. It's a joint. As I said last week.
There is there is no perfect parent nine there's no perfect parent. There's no one parenting formula that fits for all of us that Skinner it's gonna work. There's no silver bullet when I'm asking us to do is to say parents let's do the possible and Carol kids are, let's do the possible and put our faith in God that he will do the impossible. As we talk about the possible what I'm doing is I'm giving you 10 actions that I think all kids need from caring adults. Whether you're a parent or grandparent, a mentor, a coach, a teacher and neighbor and answering uncle. If you have a kid in your life.
This is what they need from you is a caring adult. It's not getting guarantee success will were trying to do is enhance the odds last week I said you need ongoing belief in your roles, caring adult. I said they need ongoing affection, and you need Encouraging Word to get you missed it, pick it up online and and listen to it before thing. I think all kids need from caring adults is what I call serious fun serious fun and for some of you I Doug really that that makes your top 10 list yeah you know why because today's generation of kids are totally stressed out wire.
They stressed out because it's a faster pace society than what you grew up in, but really the primary reason. Truth be told, is that there stressed out because their parents are driven and their parents are putting pressure on them to perform and succeed because successful kids make parents feel better about themselves and when kids can grow up in an environment of fun and laughter and play what it does is it releases their anxiety. It actually helps diminish their fears and it lessens their hostility and their anger. Unlike last week we talked about were looking at biblical principles many from the book of Proverbs. I want to return to the book of Proverbs, because we find this here in the book of Proverbs chapter 17 verse 22 it says a cheerful heart isn't good medicine, but a broken spirit. Saps a person's strength she were told that a joyful heart is good for us, both physically and also emotionally in Proverbs 15 it says a glad heart makes a happy face. I realize that all of us in here are not followers of Jesus. Some of your here investigating you're curious, you're wondering you been invited were thrilled thrilled thrilled that you're here, but for those of us who have chosen to align our lives by both the person and the teachings of Jesus. I believe we ought to be the ones who actually model fun, but for some reason in our Christian culture we have come to believe that the more serious we are is the more mature that you are more serious you are is more spiritual that you are the truth is more serious you are, the more boring you are okay. I know a lot of boring Christians and so do you see the opposite of funny is not serious. The opposite of funny is un-funny guy so I put this in your notes and it's my direction to use parents, parents need to lighten up and schedule some fun lighten up and schedule fun sieges. If you are reading the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes.
Ecclesiastes lets us know that there are necessary rhythms in life and to other necessary rhythms in life.
It talks about in the book of Ecclesiastes is laughter and dance with this is if you really want to become fully alive if you want to live abundantly meaningfully. Joyfully you have to dance and you have to laugh because those are necessary rhythms of life. Now personally, I'm glad God put laughter and dance because I don't do very good job dancing and so I can I can live with laughter.
I just it was just dance I'd be in trouble because my dances are ugly. I avoid them. When I do dance in public. People typically call the paramedics they think something is wrong with me but you know laughter.
What a great value.
By the way, if you're visiting you are at a church that that values laughter now were very serious when it comes to Jesus and the teachings of Jesus, but we don't take each other very serious because we all know are bunch of screw ups and I'm personally I'm 100% confident that the Jesus laughed. I cannot show you a verse in the Bible where it says that your Jesus sat at the campfire and crack jokes. You know hey guys did you hear the one about the Pharisee, the tax collector in the Rabbi you know III can't. I can't show you this but the reason I'm confident that Jesus laughed is because the Bible says that Jesus was 100% God and hundred percent human all the same time. In humans, laugh and think about if you read about Jesus. He had plenty to laugh at many hung around with knuckleheads, I mean I got I got a believe Peter said something really funny that Jesus laughed so hard he he snorted that Ann and Andrew called amount of Jesus just snorted and when I say that for some of you you like I just I don't I don't think that's accurate. I just I don't I don't think that would be true to what it Jesus probably said, thou art funny Peter that I delight. If in the digesting and you make me laugh so hard. I snorted go to for milk out of my know you whatever friends if you believe that Jesus never laugh or never smiled or never used Merck you haven't in adequate view of God, and it's that view of God that people are either drawn to or they run from parents. I just want to say to you, you got a lighten up. You gotta schedule some fun and I realized when I say schedule fun that that is a little it may seem like an oxymoron but it needs to happen in your house. The reason I chose schedule is because I want to communicate to you that yes there fun things that happen spontaneously, but you've got a look at your calendar and you gotta say okay when we got schedule and enter what we can do and maybe Monday nights.
This is fun night and we got gotta get this vacation working to do this together as a family because it being a people say me Dougie you know you're funny so it must happen naturally know it doesn't happen naturally into. I'm not just naturally funny.
I use humor when I teach because I know that keeps you awake day but it's hard work to figure out what is actually can be funny to a lot of people. I have to skip people actually people are disappointed when they meet me offstage, American people like I kind of expected you be funny in person and I don't ever know what to say. I just sat my day off. I'm sorry I actually thought you'd be better looking up close so you know we got that going for us, so I'm just like you, I gotta figure out how I infuse fun into my home because I want your kids to grow up with play and laughter and adventure in an giggle and laugh because here's the depot and I promise to stay if they don't have it in your home. They're going to seek it out there going to seek out fun and play and laughter and they're going to find it elsewhere, they will find it. It just may not be a healthy type that you would appreciate makes sense. Kathy and I are convinced that one of the reasons that are older age children come back to her house a lot and hang out at her house is one week pay for the food, but no one we worked really really hard as they were little to try to infuse fun and laughter and joy into our family and I want to encourage you to give this some serious consideration to ask the question where is the fun and are in our house now because for some of you this may feel like a shallow idea, but I'll tell you it's very, very deep and has the power to change your kids lives.
The fifth thing that I think all kids need from caring adults is what I call delicate discipline and when I was a new dad discipline was really rough for me.
I didn't have mentors.
I didn't have people to help me with this arches, learning on the go and so you know and my kids would act demon possessed. You know I did. I did know you aren't supposed to lock in a room with juice box and a jug licorice so I have a I have a lot of questions related to discipline but I know the Bible teaches about disciplines. I was always trying to hang onto than I want to pass that on to you. See Biblical discipline is guidance with love, not punishment and anger guidance. With love, not punishment, then your if you want to read Hebrews chapter 12 on your own. You can see this but you don't love your child if you don't provide discipline actually goes like this discipline and love go hand-in-hand.
One of the ways that we express love is with discipline and I'm adding a modifier to it.
Delicate discipline.
Proverbs chapter 3. My child don't reject the Lord's discipline and don't be upset when he corrects you for the Lord corrects those he loves. Just as a father corrects a child, in whom he delights.
You see, discipline is an act of love for those of us in here were Christians.
You said I'm a disciple and a follower of Jesus, you can't be a disciple without discipline in your life. Discipline is key and when I looked at kids who are out-of-control are you, you know I'm talking my kids that are just adequate. I don't think what a punk I can't believe that kid what an awful kid. Here's what I think where the parents were significant adults in that kid's life or they are the absent are they clueless in Proverbs chapter 29 it says to discipline a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child now to give a couple warnings that might write down a few taking notes. The first is this is you need to be cautious you discipline with caution.
Bodies are fragile. Yes, we know that, but spirits are more fragile the warning that were given in Ephesians 6 now word to you parents don't keep on scolding the nagging your children making them angry and resentful.
Rather, bring them up in the loving discipline.
The Lord himself approves with suggestions and godly advice scolding and nagging, making them angry and resentful. You want to make your kids resentful you want to push your kids away from you. If you do then operate in the two extremes extreme over here is over discipline you go intense with it or the other extreme is you provide no discipline at all. Anytime you operate in the extremes you you lose and is somebody who spent his whole life. His adult life working with kids in writing and speaking to parents as it what I would call myself as a kid advocate, I beg you don't discipline and anger.
It doesn't work.
It just it's awful.
Now I'm not suggesting that you won't ever get angry. Of course you get angry be stupid me to say you would get angry. What I'm suggesting is you learn to discipline and not be angry.
There's a big difference if you want to see discipline and anger and action. Go to any fast food restaurant that has a playland day I go to those a lot because II office out. I do my work and in fast food restaurants because I can for the food and I can refill my iced tea and and you go there and you watch, you know you watch Yankee and and slam and in push in and yell and in that's just from the parents who can't get there McCaughey, but not seriously.
You use them you want to see a psycho kid you go to McDonald's player and in what I see the type of discipline that I see is not discipline is an act of love. It's actually discipline for the sake of compliance is not loving discipline. See angry discipline results in humiliation and embarrassment. Violence in a produces angry kids when you discipline and anger. They don't hear your words, but they sense your spirit and when you lose control. They lose respect and ultimately they will become angry themselves so parents please yelling doesn't work.
I don't know how else to say it, it just it doesn't work. There is no social science research that points to yelling being an effective way there other ways to communicate that the don't wound and scare and shame your children. Now let's be honest, we've all blown it think we've all blown, including myself, and there are things that I regret and I'm ashamed of. I actually have a book in my book shot and why keep it gets its stupid style in the world called regret free parenting Joseph thing Gail you have regrets and the hard part for me is the memory that I have of seeing my kids and it wasn't a look of remorse like oh daddy I'm sorry I did that. It was a look of fear in perfect love casts out fear. We love our kids.
We don't want them to grow up with a sense of fear. So I would occasionally lose it and then the Ocala go to my wife for support to be like you blew that get out of the way like you try to pick up the pieces. Now some of you will say what you know may have you not read the Old Testament you know what it says, spare the rod spoil the child.
Yet, people been using that verse out of context to is a license to be kids for a long time. What you need to understand is the text in the Hebrew that the word rod, spare the rod spoil the child. People mingled. You gotta spank him a rod was used by a shepherd in a shepherd would use a rod to guide the sheep not be the sheet that the rod would guy to keep the sheep on the right path to keep the sheep out of out of the Lions.
Do you have been away from harm. That's why your King David says in the 23rd Psalm that you're all familiar with thy rod and thy staff they comfort me not beat me. Now I'm not making a statement on spanking pro or con, you figure it out.
Whatever works for you.
Here's what I'm suggesting and what ever you decide.
You must be delicate to be cautious.
Second, they are what you write down is to be wise and this is my way of saying, think it through parents. You don't to provide discipline right away. It's not like your traffic cop and you gotta get them right there. Now you can you can delay the discipline so your anger delays. I grew up in a house where were my dad spanked with a belt and he would snap the belt folded over and then snap it in veil 71 the snapping know a lot of us in here.
My dad even had a hose that he would use their hit area few methods of spanking, so he was mad. He was a Douglas go get me something to hit you with what I realize a bright person but what I realized is the longer I took to go get the better was for me because it gave him time to cool down so I would return three days later with a pillow. Things just weren't so much much better. I so wisdom says regardless of the situation, regardless of the situation. I'm a stay calm or find a way to get home to home and work hard to make sense to be wise, but I'm gonna bring discipline regardless of their response been listening to the first word of our guest teacher Doug Fields fund discipline and responsibility series intentional parity 10 ways to be an exceptional parent in a quickfix world here in Schiphol joined us here in studio with her application in just a minute just like a well constructed building successful parenting requires a great deal of intentionality, along with a well thought out plan and that's why were excited about this particular series.
Doug is providing practical advice and help for parents and grandparents in areas where they've struggled historically. If you're blessed to have kids or grandkids you have a divine responsibility to love and care for them and we want to help you do that if you invest time in the series, you'll learn how to be more purposeful as a parent and develop a biblical blueprint that will transform how you do life with your kids. For more information about intentional parenting. You'll find everything you need@livingontheedge.org or give us a call at AAA 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003, or LivingontheEdge.org app listener steps special offers.
I'll be back with some application to today's teaching, but if you're listening to this program and you or someone you know is being blessed them in God is using it in your life.
I like to ask you to really pray about partnering with Living on the Edge your financial investment allows us to equip Christians here in United States.
All across the world to really live like Christians because your donations. We create materials we get God's word to leaders and we take the Bible to the people in ways that help them grow and transform their families and communities. So here's my request. Would you help us reach the hurting people in the US and around the world. Help us to be a catalyst for change so that Christians everywhere can live more like Christians. It makes a huge difference. And thanks in advance for whatever God leads you to do. Thanks, Chip will affect mission resonates with you. We'd love to have you join us helping people find the saving grace of God's love will change them and the world of those who live around them to give a gift today call AAA 333-6003, or if you prefer to give online you can donate securely by going to LivingontheEdge.org that's AAA 333-6003 or visit LivingontheEdge.org and thank you in advance for prayerfully following God's lead now with some final thoughts.
Here's Chip. Thanks Dave while I'm joined here again by our guest Doug Fields in the series, intentional parenting, and you're talking about the stuff that really hits home now Doug you talking about discipline and I think he really talked about the word that we don't often hear when we talk about parents and discipline use the word delicate you warned moms and dads not to operate in the extremes of discipline and yet you know sometimes our kids get pretty rowdy. We need to take a strong stand could she just flesh out for us in the world that were living in with all the challenges. How do you balance that out where you have to take a strong stand but not land in one of those extremes will let's first admit the discipline is definitely one of those tricky conversations because a lot of parents don't know what ask what is extreme and what isn't like one extreme is physical punishment and and yelling in the other extreme is just doing nothing, which is bad because kids need discipline to know that their love. So we define discipline is guidance with love rather than punishment with anger and in our book intentional parenting.
We use the term delicate discipline to remind parents the discipline doesn't need to be violent or harsh or explosive to be effective the middle of the extremes is a thoughtful, delicate discipline, it's intentional, it's clear it's thought out ahead of time and this is vital to help a child move toward healthy independence and an ambience of you being intentional with your delicate discipline is a lot more difficult and time-consuming than just yelling and shaming and punishing and restricting.
Now those things they don't require a lot of time or intelligence, and you may stop the behavior for a moment, but you don't help them process their decision-making in connection to consequences. So here's a quick thought. I think the best discipline happens when a child knows the consequence ahead of time that way when they choose a behavior that violates your agreement then you can help them see that they actually chose that consequence and it wasn't a surprise when my children would know the consequence ahead of time. I didn't have to yell her posture upper shame them, I can actually move to empathy, buddy, I'm so sorry you chose to spend the next hour in your bedroom and that's can be a bummer.
I was hoping we played catch in the backyard that can actually become me and my child against the consequence rather than me against the child that's actually a very loving and delicate thing to do. Proverbs 3 says the Lord corrects those he loves. Just as a father corrects a child, in whom he delights. Discipline is an act of love. Just be delicate before we close at Living on the Edge we want you to know about an easy way to listen to our extended teaching podcast your chip anytime on Amazon's Alexa echo and echo.just say Alexa open Living on the Edge and you'll hear that these extended teaching any time you want to join us next time as our guest teacher Doug Fields continues in this series, intentional parenting until then, this is Dave saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge