Intentional Parenting - Belief, Affection, and Encouragement, Part 2

Are you deeply concerned about one of your children or grandchildren you see the hardening of the decedent drifting away from the relationship with God and some values that you hold dear. How do you recapture their heart, we want to help you become an effective intention.

Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge Chip Ingram survival teacher for this international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians look like Christians. Just a minute will continuing our series intentional thought by our guest teacher Doug Fields is a popular author, speaker, and currently serves as the senior director of the homeward Center is Pacific University. This program will continue walking through 10 ways to be an exceptional parent in a quick fix. If you're looking for more practical guidance on this topic apparently stick around after today's message for some additional thoughts from Chip here now is part two of Doug's message, belief, affection, and encouragement.

All kids need what I call ongoing affection. I added the modifier ongoing for those of us guys in here is guys are real simple, invite, say, your kids need affection I can just see my buddies going on is okay, Jack. Well someone get to the other nine real quick cake is often times men are accused of being the emotional equivalent of a of a brick and ladies stereo typically and statistically, you are much more affectionate with your kids than than men are. That's why never in the recorded history of the world has a kid ever been heard in the front yard and ran in the house and yelled for dad day when kids are hurt. They run in they really asked for mom why hats don't care as much me.

I am Mike my dad's line was shake it off. I'd run in crying is shake it off dog shaken and you will be fine go use my screen Galloway the DVD you know that that's guys I remember as a child being sick in the middle of the night to the bathroom to throw up, or something like that. It felt like before the toilet lid. Even when a man mom was there right with a washcloth scratch my back, whispering in my ear been real gentle and comforting, analyzing what it was that made me sick and I used to think to myself, where's my dad and I never knew until I became a dad that he was tired men affection. Affection is something emotionally healthy kids have in common and it's not just the male issue ladies affection is something emotionally healthy kids have in common and healthy kids had been given a lot of affection from the time that we were born. Social scientists refer to this as skin hunger and what that means is that we need a touch we need affection and that affection must be fed consistently and appropriately because if it is not fed consistently and appropriately. What's can happen is working to settle for inappropriate affection and actually become emotionally distant from her parents. So guys if you can't figure out how to give him express your emotion properly. Let me just tell your kids are going to suffer in an affectionate father and this isn't Doug's opinion, this is research and un-affectionate father will produce boys who don't know how to express themselves emotionally, or girls who will express themselves sexually most promiscuous teenager girls have emotionally not all everybody and nothing is under % but most have emotionally absent dads or physically absent dads that the dad might actually be there but there's no affection lights cooking anywhere and I understand I understand there's hurdles to this. I've talked enough parents over the years and I can hear what some of your thinking. Doug affection wasn't modeled to me is as I was growing up. Or, you know, I'm just not a touchy-feely type person.

It's not my personality or I've had bad experiences with misguided affection to me. Here's my response. I am so sorry I am so sorry there hurdles in your life but as a parent you have to face your hurdles you have to identify them and you can figure out a way to get over them because if not, you can wound your kids. It may require some counseling. It may require some intervention into your life, but something may need to change or your kids organist suffer because of that I didn't get a lot of affection and I grew up in the era where my parents were not really affectionate with with me so I had to rewrite the script to write a new script that when I became apparent I was going to be a hugger on steroids. And that's what I I am and have been with my kids.

I'm hugging him holding I'm wrestling I'm cuddling on goosing in. I'm doing whatever I need to so they sense that affection parents get a port on you got a port on those of you with preteens or teenagers and some of you don't have it yet it's coming your way you with little kids.

Your kids want to hug you think they run in the house and like you know they they want to hug you.

They had a certain age they don't run in the house. They walked in the house with a little bit of attitude and they don't come running after you make. They see you and they roll their eyes and walk the other way that I and that's when you need to to pour it on.

You need to get close to them.

You need to be affection with them and here's what they're gonna say you're weird and embarrassing to me, which is the most ironic statement in the world that you're weird and embarrassing is you want to say really I'm weird and embarrassing and you where Justin Bieber backpacked the school day and posted 75 selfies of yourself and I'm I'm weird and embarrassing. See that stage of life is when they needed the most. But here's what parents do they become passive aggressive in the glow Mike McKay doesn't want to hug me, so I'm not going to hug them if that's you, you need to grow up. You need to be the parent right they need that affection, because if you push those connections away. You're gonna push them away, and again kids that don't get appropriate affection will seek it out in inappropriate ways and our culture has a lot of opportunities for them.

I love this passage in the book of Romans. It's just so clear and concise. Romans 1210 love each other with what genuine affection that would that would change everything and take delight in honoring each other parents practice this this week port on go home and give it a try.

Put your arms around your kids sit next to them. You know, wrap your leg around do whatever your DM if you have a few struggle with this trip and fall on them starts somewhere. Okay, so that they get some of that affectionate toward in all of the stuff that I'm a talk about starts somewhere that something is better than nothing. Does it make sense.

The third thing all kids need from caring adults is they need encouraging words. If your child is breathing. Here she needs encouragement, encouragement is one of the deepest cravings of our soul, and I have never met anybody in my entire life is stop really I can't take anymore encouragement. I just did I get to explode.

Do not encourage know nobody. Nobody does that encouragement is like food for our soul people around you are starving, they they need that fuel and by the way those of you that are older, your kids have not outgrown this can just let you know they may not live with you anymore in my name be in the same state as you but they haven't outgrown it two years ago this month that my mom passed away as she was dying. In hospice we had about a three week season where we were together every single day.

I knew she was. I was just a matter of which which day I'm in my 50s, and you know what I wanted my mom to say I love you Doc, I'm proud of you Doug.

It's been a pleasure to be your mom.

Doc you the best Doc, I'm so sorry I passed on the receding hairline. How you know I did. I wanted her to say that your your kids do not outgrow it.

Words are powerful and when there there pointed and positive. We remember him. We also remember words that are sharp and scarring. Take a look what it says in Proverbs 12, verse 18. Thoughtless words cut deeply like a thrusting sword with a word picture that is but the speech of the wise is that he lean ball. We all know that to be true right some of you carry emotional scars with you that your parents said things to you that you have never forgotten. We have physical scars that show on her body that don't disappear.

Some of us have emotional scars because of the words that were used words are powerful and whoever made up the fable sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never run or make that person's an idiot. Okay, it's just not true.

I'd rather be hit with a stick driving his words.

Words hurt. I actually doing some research for a book on writing was read something that says some medical study, explaining that our brain processes emotional pain and physical pain in much the same way physical pain and emotional pain, so that meaning this that words can actually literally hurt one's body because our brain perceives such little difference. So yes, physical hurt leaves scars but so to words as well. In addition to wounding. Here's a words do. Words have the ability to shape a kids life for the positive or the negative and some of you parents when you're introducing your child are talking about your kids, you add modifiers and you don't think there negative modifiers you think their descriptive modifiers, but there actually negative modifiers. I see it standing at the door.

This is done. This is my daughter Jill she's shy as Jill cowers behind mom's legs because Jill is been introduced a million times. That way, and Jill has become what her mom has prophesied her to become retracted with me or this is my son Carlos he's a wild child as Carlos lets out an evil laugh and lights a palm tree on fire. Okay words are powerful and they can either build confidence or they can destroy hope and parents. You get to decide which thoughts go really, really practical, let me help you be more encouraging. How you do this well one when you see it, saith say apposite when you see something positive. Say it catch them doing things right instead of always catching them doing things wrong I'm not saying you never say what they're doing wrong. I'm just saying if you were to put up microphone in the average house all you hear is would you put the backpack by the back door. I do that every single get cleats off the pool table. How many times I tell you the cat out of the microwave. You know, there were always on kids about about stuff know by show of hands, how many of you would rather bite be around people who like you then criticize you music just curious yeah will why would your kids be any different if you're constantly on their case about stuff you conditioning them to avoid you they want to be around people who actually like them. So what if you switch things around. Yes, instruct them and what they need to to do, but also catch them doing things right body. You put the toilet seat that that is so great.

Here's some licorice and a Mountain Dew. You know that's that's all party. You catch them doing things right. Here's what I get that.

I want you to imagine your kid with a tattoo on.

Therefore, it going now for some of you not too hard to imagine businesses can happen in a few years, but the tattoos is this encourage me.

Mom encourage me dad.

So when you see them in the morning. That's what I'm so glad you're breathing you dressed using your live. That is great your nose ring matches your blouse, whatever it is, just give them some encouragement. Parents, here's the key don't expect back gate.

Don't expect the back and you won't be disappointed but when you encourage them, especially in the preteen and teen years.

They're not going to encourage you back. I they don't have the emotional vocabulary to affirm you. So what parents do again to go passive aggressively's that's anything nice to me and I can say anything nice to you again grow up either parent.

Right when we come to you from the future that told you my kids 2522 19. They begin to get. I mean it's just the get a little bit later, therefore, all of a sudden, discovering how awesome I am, yeah, and they're using words to describe it it it will, it will come to you.

I just don't expect it right now and a little advanced within and some you may not be ready for this, but others you're ready for this. This is like advanced encouragement.

You gotta learn to encourage kids beyond their performance.

You have to go deeper than just their performance out track with me for a minute. A lot of language directed at kids is either shame oriented or performance oriented and some of you grew up in that environment. You did something wrong.

You get the look of shame on you. You did something right. You get a little pat on the head. Way to go. Shame on you proud of you. Shame on your Bradley you just gonna let out a chairman to write you and so then you try to live. Furthermore, I'm prodding so you grew up. Now the sun trying to earn your parents praise. That's why you're surrounded by tons of adults who are classic people pleasers because they grew up in a shame on you and prodding you environment. Let's face it, your kids are going to fail and when they fail.

You don't want to shame them, but it's not smart to say I'm proud of you for failing so you got a look for encouragement opportunities.

That is not based solely on your performance. So when you go to your kids game and they hit a homerun or they strike out the encouragement is the same. I love watching you play. I love watching you play because here's your life for your kid, there can be days when she hits a homerun and there's can be days when she strikes out and she needs to hear from most significant people in her life. I love you and I believe in you. I talk about building confidence in the kid when you encourage think about those five CDs that I gave at the beginning when you encourage encouraged toward those five seats, that you might even say some like I'm I'm amazed at how patient you are with your little brother what is that that's character you know I noticed that mom didn't want to get up from the couch and you got the remote for her. I love seeing you serve other people. That's compassion. I was really proud of the way that you stood up for your convictions. Hey buddy, I was looking your report card the other day and it is so obvious that you're not cheating and I just really good words are powerful.

The Bible says in Proverbs 12 verse six the words of the wicked are like a murderous ambush. I love this with the words of the godly save lives. The reason we have a difficult time using good words for people is because there is good words originate in one's heart.

Good words actually come from a good heart.

That's what Jesus said in Matthew 1235 Jesus said, a good person produces good words from what a good heart and an evil person produces evil words from an evil heart. Careless words are careful words.

Jesus says they are there birthed within our heart. That's why that's why everything in all relationships goes back to the heart tell you my story when Jesus really transform my heart my parenting changed because of really honest with you I as a parent I wasn't ready to face my the ugliness of my selfishness. I thought that when I got married that I was dealing with my selfishness. But marriage is nothing compared to the selfishness that I feel parenting because his parent you're always on my kids don't leave you alone, you know, there's just an and I'm honestly my heart was not strong enough to love my kids the way they needed to be loved, so I had to have.

I'd asked Jesus said to beg Jesus to change my heart and when he change my heart, my parenting changed and here's the deal. There's there's no snow technique.

There's no plan there is no relationship strategy that really matters at all.

If you miss how God views us.

None of this works. If you don't understand how God sees us in Ephesians 51 it says follow God's example.

Therefore really rest with me as dearly loved children as dearly loved children.

It doesn't say follow God's examples as the one God tolerates follow God's examples as the one Scott is mostly disappointed with ounces follow God's examples as dearly loved children that I think what I have for you is really helpful. I'm really excited to help many of you parents. I think it's practical and helpful, but if if you miss this core truth.

None of it really matters. See the best help is going to come up short because what happens is you wind up parenting from a wounded heart you wind up parenting from a broken heart, you wind up parenting from a wrong identity but when people know that they are there dearly loved their capable of loving dearly and you know that you are dearly loved as God's child, you are capable of dearly loving and that's her dream for this community of people that we call the church that we would go through life knowing that we are dearly left. I have total audacity to believe that your parenting can be your children can be changed and they can make a difference. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram listening to our guest teacher Doug Fields sure a message from a series intentional parenting 10 ways to be an exceptional parent in a quickfix world, just like a well constructed building successful parenting requires a great deal of intentionality, along with a well thought out plan and that's why were excited about this particular series. Doug is providing practical advice and help for parents and grandparents in areas where they've struggled historically. If you're blessed to have kids or grandkids you have a divine responsibility to love and care for them and we want to help you do that if you invest time in the series. You learn how to be more purposeful as a parent and develop a biblical blueprint that will transform how you do life with your kids.

For more information about intentional parenting. You'll find everything you need@livingontheedge.org or give us a call at AAA 333-6003 Listener steps special offers will trip over the years, ministering to and encouraging parents is been an important part of your teaching moms and dads need a lot of support. Nowadays tell me that need. We've developed a great new resource alongside Doug's teaching called intentional parenting cards would you take just a minute and tell us about this new tool will Dave I can tell you I am super excited about these cards because I just know as a parent I did a lot of research and I tried to work really hard to be intentional but I always didn't know like intentional about what and what these cards do is they provide a simple way to stay on track is apparent in other words, it talks about how you develop strong belief or be a role model or make sure that Encouraging Word's are a part of your family life or genuine affection there just like for five cards and you review a section of them. You just every day for like a week or so and then pretty soon you find yourself hey I'm building into my kids their belief or delicate discipline or or active responsibility. Your eye level and serious fun and what they are there 10 different areas and they have very pithy clear specific ways to be an intentional parent, where over time as you just review these instead of trying hard. One day, or taking some course you are renewing your mind and focusing your life each and every week around one area that here's what I'll tell you when you are genuinely affectionate when you provide encouraging words when you discipline delicately when you build strong beliefs. What happens is over time you're in intentional parent with children who respond in very positive ways. These intentional parenting cards are a tool that allows us in a fast-paced world to do his parents what we want to do and build into the lives of our kids the way we want to do it.

I can't encourage you enough to get a set of these cards and put them into practice. Thanks.

Chip will if you're wanting to be more deliberate about your calling as a parent or grandparent. Let me encourage you to order a set of our new intentional parenting cards that cover 10 specific areas to help you be more purposeful in the lives of your kids, whether it's learning how to discipline being a better encourager or discovering how to have serious fun. This resource will help you be the mom or dad your kids so desperately need to order your set of our new intentional parenting cards just go to LivingontheEdge.org or call AAA 333-6003 Listener steps special offers. Now with some application for this message. Here's chip on our guest teacher Doug Fields. Doug, thanks so much for your message today and boy oh boy, I mean kids desperately need encouragement, they crave it like you talked about their such power in words and I'm just kind of visualizing that parent. After hearing this message. Like I just did and thinking okay note. Could you just give me a couple tips just for today about how I catch my kids doing things right, that sort of a foreign concept and right now it's pretty easy to use words when you catch them doing things wrong so give us a little help what you done. Oh yeah, I'd love to share some ideas. Let's first address the fact that some parents listening to this, they just don't speak encouragement very well as I got foreign language. It either wasn't modeled to them or it hasn't been enough of a priority when that's the dominant language in the home criticism over compliments. It can create shame and a child, and it creates a distance between the parent and the child think about parents you my dear criticism you want to be around negative people. So in some ways you're actually training your child did not want to be around you when your critical so let's develop that encouragement, muscle and added to our daily arsenal. Here's the truth we can be negative and critical all day long mean as a parent there's always something to be displeased with that your kids are doing again who want to be around critical people not you and not your kid. Imagine that your home is being recorded and everything you said your child was then transcribed and broken into two categories. Category one positive words of encouragement and category two negative words of disappointment or criticism. What category would be the longest in your home. If the answer is that there's more words of criticism that he had a change that quickly. Obviously you didn't need to use words apparent to coach your child and guide them and redirect them and those words may not be real positive, but make sure used twice as much encouragement as you do negative words and to do that you have to be intentionally looking to catch your child doing something right. Here's the deal parents.

There is power in your words and your words matter. Just before we close.

I want to thank each of you who's making this program possible through your generous giving 100% of your gifts are going directly to the ministry to help Christians really live like Christians. If you found the teaching on this program helpful, but you're not yet on the team. Would you consider doing that today. Don't they just go to LivingontheEdge.org Donate on the app or give us a call at AAA 333-6003, let me thank you in advance for whatever the Lord leads you to do: selects time for everyone here. This is Dave saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge