Intentional Parenting - Belief, Affection, and Encouragement, Part 1

There is one thing that's harder during the season its parenting community school open you to do it at home. It is really challenging being a parent. So hang on intentional parenting is coming your way. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with the mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christian Bible to thanks for joining us as we begin the series from our friend Doug challenging times Living on the Edges committed teacher fresh perspective on the issues our mission to encourage your students to live like Christians remains the same chips, teaching, or the occasional new voice for those who don't know Doug Fields is a popular author and speaker over four decades of experience ministering to you is currently the senior director of the homework Center at Azusa Pacific University or the next several programs. Doug talks directly to moms and dads raising kids in the 21st injury series is called intentional. 10 ways to be an exceptional parent in a quickfix world with all that said, let's join Doug as he kicks off a series I am running. I am so thrilled to be with you always. We talk about what kids needing in caring adults going to start by raising your hands if you had parents anything you had parents get good with anybody like me that when you are kid you actually thought your parents knew what they were doing that they were just like experts added that they had thought it out.

They were strategic that they followed some guideline.

I really thought my parents were pros and parenting until I became a parent, and thought all they had no idea what they're doing. They were making this stuff up as they went. Having the kids part was easy as just figuring out what to do with it or not apparent.

Here's what parents would say about parenting. It's difficult if you're single parent, you would change the word difficult to impossible. If you are single-parent you are one of my heroes in life. How you do it.

I don't fully get it. There are some people in here called empty-nesters who were laughing at everybody else because their kids have grown up and they have moved out of the house and then there are some of us in here that are boomerang parents and those are kids that left the house and then came back and they now live in their house like mine, and then that and those of us cry ourselves to sleep at night. Now I also realize there's a large group of you that you're not parents you like kids you don't want kids you just don't even think about kids and you're actually the type of people that I like to sit next to a restaurant really when my kids were little and growing up I remember look at me remember one time we got seated in this lady ally rolls the looks of condemnation like I would never do that if I was a parent know that I would think she actually asked the hostess to move and was delivered by that. So I asked the hostess if we can move as well. So we moved right next to her because that's what pastors do. They they help you grow and mature and become patient and kind and actually here's the deal. Even if you don't have kids. This will be helpful for you in less your hermit realize your hermit your life is can intersect with kids with your parent or grandparent or coach or teacher or mentor and aunt and uncle and neighbor who has friends who have kids, this is gonna be helpful for you. I'm in a contextualized in the context of some parenting illustrations but really what I'm talking about is is all relationships. I taught some of this material in Seattle and woman came up to me afterwards that I don't I don't have kids but they were really helpful in how I treat my husband and I can feel sorry for him. But now, and if you're hearing you are a kid. I love it that you're here because now you can hold your parents accountable that you can go. Doug said don't do that much you whatever is very aerial.

But as we begin this, let me just start by giving you what I would call some disclaimers failing to give you some Doug Fields disclaimers. First of all I'm not an expert at raising kids. I used to be an expert in raising kids until I became a parent guy. Then I moved for my expert status and when my kids were teenagers. I actually became the dumbest human on the planet guy and that was really exciting and but I am I am a veteran parent.

My kids are 2522 19 years old are all doing very very well in that foster care system and so second disclaimers.

What I lack in expertise as a parent I make up as really what I am is a probably youth expert for 30 years of my life. I worked with teenagers. I've studied youth culture. I've written books to kids and to youth workers and to to parents early in my marriage. Working with teenagers was our primary form of birth control because I didn't want to bring any into the world and when Kathy would get that look in her eyes like we should have a kid I would just take her on a day to McDonald's Playland and just see where this cycle kids running naked holding his diaper and I got really, really you want one of you one of those, but I do. I do study youth culture.

Third, disclaimers that so I'll let you know that I am not can it take any time to bash culture and a lot of people do that is to have a scare tactic and you show you pictures of Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball and Jan say this could be your kid. That's that's not my goal.

My goal we all know the culture that we live in an the condition that it's in. I don't even scare tactics only to be hope tactics in the fourth disclaimers. I want to let you know this.

I'm not can be speaking to Christians or to non-Christians. Doug, did you not taking medication today do not know where you are and I know exactly where I am is a movie talk to parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, mentors, aunts, uncles, neighbors, friends, some of you are followers of Jesus and some of you are curious your questioning faith in God and Jesus and in theirs everyone in between.

So if you are here in you are Jesus Junior or you are here and you. The only time you say Jesus is when you golf and I am thrilled that you're here and I tell you all that because I want to let you know this can be a safe environment to bring anybody that cares about kids not have a bias that I've stolen most of my material from the Bible. The Bible sheds a lot of light on relationships and and how to do them right. But if you look he knows what I want to do is I want to begin with the end in mind, I want you as a parent to think about the end in mind. This is not a new concept marketplace people.

They do this all the time you have a job or business.

When you enter into a business you think what's our what's our exit plan even in the church we have things well like what the one year three-year five-year goal one week what we hope to accomplish in the end I think that's important part of parenting. It's not a new deal we been told this for thousands of years to go in the Scriptures in Psalm 90 verse 12 it says teach us to number our days, why that we may gain a heart of wisdom that we need to be wise with our days because they disappear so quickly with some friends who just had a baby in May and for Christmas I gave them a jar of 936 marbles in this jar of 936 marbles represented the number of weeks that little Taylor has until she graduates from high school in the gift to the parents, was to every week. Take one marble out and reflect and to think what happened last week to thank God for this this gift to and then to see, how many more weeks you have to go now and you my 22-year-old son said that is so depressing.

I'm sure there's a joke in there about parents losing the marbles, but the idea is that time goes by very very quickly and if we don't pause to stop reflect in think about it. Were going to find ourselves with a lot of regrets and I gave that to them because I didn't want them to do with so many parents do, and that's not pay attention to the time it was just yesterday, December 15, 1988 when I was standing in Hoag Hospital.

I went from not being a parent to office and being a parent I never forgotten it literally feels it was just yesterday when the doctor held my daughter and said do you want to hold her and I said no, no, she looks slippery. Those are my words. If you've never seen a newborn baby before. Just think like Vaseline covered weasel is kind of what I was I was I would. I was scared I was not. I was not ready for that and then I clean up first and then handed to me and as I I held ET it in my in my hand at me. I'm telling you Bam time blue by now she's 25. What would it look like parents painted a picture of the end Kathy Knight chose to do this over 25 years ago because we worked with really really good kids and really troubled kids and we said what are some of the common factors in these troubled kids. What are some of the common elements of these really really good kids and and let's just paint a picture of what we want our kids to look like and so I I share these with you and I share these with you because not for you to copy ours, but just paint a picture for you of what I'm talking about Kathy Ike on the five C's. The first is we wanted our kids to have a sense of confidence a healthy confidence that they would actually feel good about themselves that they would know who they are, that they would walk through life with, not arrogance but confidence that they would they would know who they are because of whose they are the second season wanted them to have character. What parent doesn't want the kids to have character that did a moral compass to make decisions and integrity of right and wrong. The values of your follower of Jesus you hope that your kids have a Christlike character.

But regardless of your faith background you want your kids to have character. The third is that we wanted our kids have convictions and convictions are our beliefs. Every one of us has convictions. The question becomes what are your convictions based on are they based on what you feel at at that any given moment of your convictions based on what other people say or you convictions based on what might be called a a biblical worldview because one's convictions shape one's character. You can have true character without convictions you see a lot of people who do fill the watch. This is they try to have character mom and dad force kinda character on the unit. This is what's right. This is what's wrong but if they don't have convictions. What happens when the temptations come the character folds up. You see this with kids all the time to put on an act. They wear a mask when they're around mom and dad.

They have character, but when they're on their own and all the influences of the world around them. The character folds because there is no conviction. The fourth season want her kids to have compassion, we wanted them as they grew up to have a loving concern for those who are marginalized for those that they don't live life like they live life we wanted them to take them.

The focus off of themselves and to put it on other people.

Other people who were are hurting and to serve them and in several different ways and finally we wanted our kids to have a sense of competence. This is the big picture idea that they would actually be able to live and function and thrive in today's world, knowing that they have God-given gifts having develop some skills and not just merely taking up space on this planet but actually being a competent contributor to the world that was for us.

That was our endgame, and by the way we we stole that from the Bible to review look in first Timothy, you'll see that the apostle Paul paints a picture for young Timothy to become these areas. Now with of these what it does is that when you have an endgame in mind. What happens is you parent in intentional ways, rather than reactive ways. When you have an endgame in mind you parent with intentional ways, rather than reactive ways. It doesn't mean you and I can have regrets.

I have regrets. I did not parent my kids. They were growing up perfectly. But what you're doing is you're enhancing the yachts.

This is where enhancing the odds are not guaranteeing results because it is intentional as you want to be there is still this element of mystery that surrounds parenting that I have observed that some really good kids have come from some really bad parents and vice versa is well sort talking about is enhancing the odds us as parents doing the possible with faith that God will do the impossible, that all kids are different. There is no one parenting formula.

They each have their own unique brand of of free will, but there are some biblical relational principles given to us from God that if we can align ourselves with those we are going to enhance our odds to give me 10 first one is this what I call 10 actions. Kids need for caring adults. The first is strong belief, strong belief and I don't mean this is you believing in your kids like all your terrific singer dear, I love the way you throw out a fastball. Now I'm not talking about that I'm actually talking about strong belief in your role as a parent that there is actually a high value in you being a parent and as I talk about parents. Then he threw an grandparents because the culture that we live in today. Grandparents you are's so important in the raising of today's kids. My mother-in-law, so my kids grandma is probably one of the most influential people in my kids life and I've said this several times that I think my kids will be more sad when grandma dies then when I die, and it bothers me that nobody in my family disagrees with that, but as a grandparent you are so so important you gotta believe parents that you play a hugely significant role in how your kids come out to embrace these these five C's and I start here because parents you are the biggest influence in your kids life and if you don't believe that you actually have trouble coming your way.

If you don't believe that you are the biggest influence in their life, you will become nothing more than a shift manager at your own bed and breakfast to talk to parents lawn parents worried about the culture and the Internet and MTV and the dangers of Udo Honey boo-boo but what they've got to realize your kids more than anyone else, are shaped by parents parents beliefs parents values parents actions that parents are the primary influencer in a kids lives. The only time that influence shifts to culture or media or friends is when a parent either physically or emotionally.

Withdrawals from the scene to parents as hard as it is for you to believe your kids want you to be there hero.

Your kids want you to be the type of person that they they look up to. That's God's design for God is really big on kids.

Jesus actually said this in Mark chapter 9 Jesus took a little child and had him stand among them taking him the child in his arms, he said to them, whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me that when you welcome a child you you welcome God made that is.

That's a high calling that puts a parents life in perspective your calling is is so important folks. It is part of your destiny. You being a parent is is your life purpose. It's your calling from God and it is worth your you're very best effort that raising your children. It actually may be the most spiritual thing you will ever do in your life.

Your children are God's gift to you. That's how the referred to in the Scriptures. Look at Psalms 127 children are a gift from the Lord. They are reward from him and I really some you're not feel like you kids are reward right now. But how joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them. What to quiver, a quiver is what archers know archery what they would wear quiver on their back and would hold all their arrows and saying is, how happy is the man joyful is the person whose quiver is full of kids in some you're going guy. I feel like shooting my kid into another community, and I understand them and there were seasons and seasons in my parenting.

What I remember listening to this guy one time say your kids are like that you have to nurture and protect the cocoon because inside the cocoon of butterfly will emerge. At that point in my parenting. I'm I wanted to stop the cocoon day that for fear that there wasn't a butterfly.

There was a there is a batter a buzzard within and I did not want to see that emerge, but if they are a gift from God does not change everything move. God says I'm in stem stewarding you a gift that you would value it may not be what you you know ordered it. Babies are split nonetheless to its it's your gift from from God to to value the big deal here parent raise rent and repeat after me. I am a big deal you are.

That said, hear your big deal and what you think if we would begin to value the idea of parenting is a bigger deal than her paycheck or hobbies or are social situations that one of the next time somebody says to you about what you do for a living. You don't mention your career you actually referred your high calling. What I do. Funny you ask.

I'm in charge of raising three Homo sapiens in the dominant values of the Judeo-Christian tradition in order that they might become instruments for the transformation of the social order that God prescribed in what you do for a living just the lawyer figures if you don't believe in the value in your role as a parent if you don't believe that that is a high value the consequences of your unbelief will sabotage your effort and actually wound your children this season of parenting is a huge spiritual challenge and it's worthy of our very best effort, and that's why put it is number one and are not all ranked in order of importance, but I wanted to I wanted to start strong belief, listening to the first part of our guest teacher Doug's message belief affection and encouragement of the series intentional parenting 10 ways to be an exceptional parent in a quickfix world kinship will join us here in studio with her application in just a minute just like a well constructed building successful parenting requires a great deal of intentionality, along with a well thought out plan and that's why were excited about this particular series.

Doug is providing practical advice and help for parents and grandparents in areas where they've struggled historically.

If you're blessed to have kids or grandkids you have a divine responsibility to love and care for them and we want to help you do that if you invest time in this series, you'll learn how to be more purposeful as a parent and develop a biblical blueprint that will transform how you do life with your kids. For more information about intentional parenting. You'll find everything you need@livingontheedge.org or give us a call at AAA 333-6003 app listener steps special offers what you were just getting started in this very practical series for parents. But in addition to this teaching from Doug want to tell our listeners about a new resource. We've developed called intentional parenting cards. This is a helpful tool to encourage and motivate parents to be present in their kids lives. Sadly, so many moms and dads of checked out and resorted to being well as Doug said today shift managers with their own bed and breakfast when you think that is I think the reason is is that we as a parents have bought a lie and the lie is that you know here in media and everything and everyone else really is determining what happens in the lives of our kids, and by the way, the way they roll their eyes at times, and the way they seem to disconnect it just reinforces to us emotionally that well you know I just seems like you know they're not connecting with this anymore. What you need to understand is that the teaching that Doug is giving us isn't just some good teaching that he came up with a friend of mine did a two-year research project on why 70% of evangelical youth are leaving the church and abandoning God.

None of us can predict what our kids are going to do, but there were certain kinds of homes with certain kinds of characteristics that causes kids to embrace their faith have their own fate have convictions and be men and women who walk with God in the years to come. And so one of those things is parents who believed I have the greatest influence they can roll their eyes, they can act like they don't want to sit around the table at dinner they can think that all wild. We have Dino talk and read the Bible and go to church together. Yes, you still have the greatest influence, but it takes courage.

I think this resource may be one of the best I've ever seen to help parents. So let me encourage you to stay with this and then ask yourself how can I be an intentional parent less but a stronger recommendation is you'll ever hear from Chip so if you're wanting to be more deliberate about your calling as a parent or grandparent. Let me encourage you to order a set of our new intentional parenting cards that cover 10 specific areas to help you be more purposeful in the lives of your kids, whether it's learning how to discipline being a better encourager or discovering how to have serious fun. This resource will help you be the mom or dad your kids so desperately need to order your set of our new intentional parenting cards just go to LivingontheEdge.org or call AAA 333-6003 app listener steps special offers low here's Chip with some final thoughts about today's message while I'm joined today by our guest teacher Doug Fields and really excited to have you with us today Doug and for our listeners to hear. Yes, you are really funny and you're practical, but your sharing some things that are always important, but I gotta tell you, I can't think of a time where parents need more help than right now you know you called us to the five C's. I'm wondering if you could maybe just quickly review those points and maybe some tips for how can parents put those in the practice right now absolutely. I'm honored to be with you ship and share with your wonderful audience.

But before I get to the five season is just set up a context for just a second, that the big idea behind her intentional parenting material is to encourage parents to aim at something with their parenting efforts rather than simply reacting to everything and I realize in the midst of parenting. Most parents are just trying to hold things together with super glue and duct tape until the child leaves the house, but intentional parenting is a call to pause and to start thinking about parenting with the end in mind. So here the seas, the first see his confidence. We wanted our kids to have a healthy confidence of who they are, so they would be AL victims are insecure followers of others. The second C's character.

That's the moral foundation of right or wrong. It's essentially what every parent wants for the child because character influences decision-making. The third see his conviction, which is basically a set of beliefs based on the teaching of God's word. It's it's faith in the person and teachings of Jesus and that the fourth. See his compassion. We wanted to make sure our kids understood that our world is filled with pain and suffering in our faith requires us to actually care for others and in the fifth and final see his competence. We want our kids to have a set of skills that they could contribute to our culture and do something meaningful with their lives rather than just being a consumer.

So intentional. Parents say they articulate an endgame and then they emphasize those values so that's what we mean by being intentional, painting a picture of 18 years old and visualizing independence in a move away to college and what you want your kid to look like and once you have that picture in your mind, you attach some words to it and then you parent to fulfill those works.

It's as simple and as complex as that. Thanks Doug case you missed some of the points he just reviewed their pulled straight from our message notes, which is a tool available for every program. So let me encourage you to get this resource before you listen to us. Again, these notes include a brief outline all of the Scripture references. Lots of fillings to help you remember what your learning they really help you get the most out of every program. The message notes are a quick download@livingontheedge.org the broadcast staff app.

Listener steps fill in notes will join us next time as our guest teacher Doug Fields continues in a series intentional parenting until then. This is the saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge