Keeping Love Alive - Volume 2 - Resolving Conflict Peaceably, Part 1

I'd like you to think with me. Who is someone's marriage that you think I would love to have a marriage like now here's what I'm gonna tell you they have learned one particular skill in their marriage that you need to learn and that skills what I'm going to talk about today. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with children Living on the Edges of international discipleship featuring the daily Bible teaching of Chip Ingram in the middle chip series keeping the love alive.

Volume 2, druggies, messages, chips and teaching from Colossians chapter 3 and highlighting for biblical skills. Great marriages have, in the school chips about talk about maybe one of the hardest alert you can do it will radically transform your relationship. On that note, here's chip with today's message. We are looking at skill number three is how to resolve conflict ready for this peaceably and also nobody gets hurt.

Number one is a biblical perspective of conflict.

Number one, it is inevitable. Jesus said in the world you will have tribulation so we wouldn't be surprised second flows from our differences in perspective of Paul and Barnabas member John Mark was a flake he he he went back the next trip in this essay, I think we should take John Mark he's the son of encouragement. His gifts as philosophy.

Everyone fail sometimes. Let's bring along pulse is very mission, a type you what we are not to sacrifice the mission he blew it one time the mission is more important if you want to help them. You stick around and helping us as they have such a sharp disagreement we get our word schism and Paul and Barnabas were in different ways. I don't think either Moron. One was an encourager that needed help a guy the other realize you know what Jesus told me to take the gospel to all the world and I can't risk the mission on the guy that I can depend on. So there's differences in perspective. Sometimes it's just selfish desires. James would say, what are the causes of fights and quarrels among you, don't they come from your desires year lost that battle within you.

You want something you don't get it. You kill you covet, you can have what you want. You quarrel and fight.

You do not have because you do not ask God. And when you do ask that you ask with wrong motives. You can spend it on your pleasures. You know, behind a lot of conflict is just plain old selfishness and sin and then finally, sometimes it's just personality differences.

Paul has a couple ladies and you Odeon center key and he says they're both great there both helpers are both wonderful people, but I can get along. Maybe it's personality we don't know but they needed an outside help they needed a counselor. According to Paul, I want you to get these two ladies together there both super but together they just rub each other the wrong way.

All I want to get is this conflict is normal and healthy conflict produces an opportunity for growth but can be destructive unless addressed wisely, lovingly and with rules to govern the process. How many of you have a a very clear pattern that you follow when there's conflict yet this is this is what we do have. You know when we have a discussion. What we really mean is in arguments about to burst out, but you have a plan when you disagree, all I'm going to do is I'm going to be a plan.

So our text is Colossians chapter 3 verses 12 through 17. If you're here, getting it is so as those have been chosen by God holy and beloved, that's who we are, were putting on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility and gentleness and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving each other. Who ever has a complaint against anyone forgiving 10. Just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you and beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts to what you been called into one body, and be thankful the command is, here's the command it's real simple we are to deal with our mates as Christ has dealt with us and deals with us. Okay, that's the issue that I'm if if you get nothing else, what would that look like if you would say there's a conflict. There's a disagreement I'm angry I'm bitter I'm resentful. Why did she do that again. I can't believe he did that. We talked about it 100 times when you come together your one goal is I want to treat him or I want to treat her the way Christ treats me listening and I can have conflict but I'll guarantee if you bear with one another.

If you forgive one another. If you beyond all these things put on love, and if you let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, it will come out a lot differently. Let me show you what these words mean bearing with one another is just basically what are things that cause tension in the not necessarily moral, or wrong, but there just there certain things unless you been married like six months right there still in Lala land. No she so wonderful she's never done anything wrong ever so strong I can't believe he loves me 18 months later, I can't. But this, this is how do you put up with the things that people do some that might be wrong but but more. This is the idea of idiosyncrasies of things rub you the wrong way that we talked about it and they just keep doing this is bear with one another. In other words it's it's deal with tension and things that bother you in a constructive way and then forgive one another.

This is a hurt or offense. The New Testament word for forgive literally is to release and I'm going to dig in a bit more to forgiveness a little bit later because get get clear. Forgiveness is a choice to not pay the other person back for what they done. I release you and and what what comes up in our minds. If that's not fair to let him off the hook know you don't let them off the hook. What you do is you say I'm going to take this offense and I'm gonna release it and I'm gonna put you on God's hook. He's the just one and you do.

People who refuse to forgive our people who drink poison think it's can kill the other person when you don't forgive him and its medical, its officers, its migraines, its low immune system lack of forgiveness will destroy your life, you destroy your soul by the way our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our sins, our trespasses as we remember what Jesus said if you do not forgive your brother from the heart. Your heavenly father forgive you this. If this is really important.

So we'll talk about it doesn't me. By the way, forgiveness and reconciliation. At the same thing.

You can forgive a person that doesn't mean that everything goes back to normal sometimes trust has to be rebuilt or sometimes a person in some other circumstances are dangerous and you forgive them, but that abuser can't be in your life anymore or in one of your kids lives will clarify that but it's going to get through the passage, whoever has a complaint. In other words, just you. It bothers you just really bother what they have done really bothers you. It's personalized and it's ongoing.

And so, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And then he goes on to say, let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, and that word rule it's it's it's the idea of a of a century walking back and forth and literally.

The idea is in the midst of a conflict instead of you are right there right, it's a picture of let God be the umpire.

What does he think what's his estimation will learn just a minute that every conflict in marriage. There's never a winner and a loser. There's either to winners and two losers of you might win the argument, you might make them feel bad.

You might even get your way. But if you win and they lose number your one so he says that the peace of Christ rule why you called into one body you unity before God. He's talking about the whole church. But while fees talk about the church, how much more a couple.

And then this commandment to be thankful to focus on what we have instead of what's lacking in turn the page. If you will, and I want to give you this picture before I walk through the acronym that's help me fiber for Jim Burns is a good friend and he's a marriage and family therapist and speaker and he says there's a negative dance and is a positive dance and it's very predictable so you start at the top there's tension friction problem pain misunderstanding and immunity.

You can fill it.

In fact, for some of you have to think too hard and just think some of the rural recent ones.

The negative dances defensive blaming anger control attack and the I language. I did this. You want to do that.

I did this I it's it's very defensive.

Why did you do that and there it usually escalates in tones of voice often and yelling and then when it gets really bad sometimes gets physical and then there's a disconnect emotional withdrawal avoiding spouting acting feeling superior and after that get detached is not resolved. Feel bitter resentment, contempt, loneliness, unresolved issues, biting like indebtedness in your soul, and the result deeper tension and regret. It doesn't matter what the issues are most of the issues you fight about her symptoms. By the way, they're not even the real issue that when Tresa and I were having our our our worst times when we we agreed we did that dance almost on a weekly basis and so her way was to shut down and she wouldn't talk would talk me for two days and you know we did the classic couples you know you go to bed and you both in bed like this and so you know she roles that way and I roll this lady and and and I would I have this sort of mechanism that I thought would be very helpful but was very ineffective is I would sorta and that meant I'm still awake, so you can still apologize and she would shut down and then being you Naaman seminaries. I'm learning a lot of verses and then I would lay there for a while and then that verse you know resolved resolved by the time so I would get up and I turn on the light and I would walk around the bed and I would tell her we gotta get this resolved get this resolved. You know and all this and she would just you just ice me out and then we get up the next morning about the way you go to bed angry, do something to your soul that I would feel not attracted to her felt distant and we didn't would never get anything resolved by two or three days we would act like it didn't happen. We just both go on and what we were doing as we put thin layer upon thin layer upon thin layer of our hearts, hardening. We were both very vulnerable to temptation of all kinds that you know so our communication are emotional connection in our sex life was all going this direction.

Now when they go that direction, then what happens right now you've created deeper in the same pattern in the resentment and the bitterness and it can be over ours was why I was getting home late for dinner and I thought it was ridiculous and I was holding down a job full time going to school full time and we had kids, and I'm I am I'm a basketball junkie. I mean I'm you've ever been in playgrounds you get in the inner city and you know if you're especially in inner-city, it's like there's like all black guys and there's like at least one skinny little white guy in a tall white guy and that's and that's why My ball in the back my shoes and everything and I would drive by a playground and I would just jump out. I played very competitively played against Olympic teams all throughout South America and I was a gym rat.

I played seven or eight hours a day and I was in basketball after college practice.

I go play pickup ball at night. I mean I just loved it and if you win again. Some of you guys know this.

You stay on so I would get someplace with a bunch of guys in course let you know what you skinny little white guy come in here and then you on I'm on modeling and then the skin will like. I would say this is why where he played college and this is live dude and we went again. Then when the game like and so Tresa will have fix and every time it happened is like it was a special meal and she and I have no idea that she was expressing her love to me and to me it was all about.

When you get home and so over time I've learned a good offense was better than a bad defense and I would come in I just pick on her and mom and I got in so I get mad at her, and really all the issues were. She felt rejected. It triggered things in her life. I felt like don't tell me what to do.

I said 530 with support Stimson 530 quarter 66 mean all you cold.

I don't care I didn't get it. That was one of many I just want you to get it doesn't have to start over something big. The positive dance is there's tension friction problem pain misunderstanding and the responses we we assume responsibility, and we work together to resolve the issue. I'm going to give you some tools to do that we didn't have to do that none were just like, okay, how do you bring something up against the problem on the table without attacking the person that I was super defensive and and if I raise my voice a little bit. I she just flunk. By the way, in most conflict you have sharks and turtles, some by personality, some by gender and so in a conflict there's some of you that what you do is instinctively because of your background, your personality, you just pull your head in a man.

You know all you are you can get is a shell and then there's those of us you know we just swarmed the water and you know what we are again oregano when Marine attack, and if we have verbal skills to reframe it and you did this by the time the problem and you feel like it's all your fault and then you realize it's not. And then you resent us and we have manipulated and we been unkind and we haven't been bearing with one another and we haven't been forgiving. We haven't done him in humble haven't been patient but here is it so we okay we have an issue we'll talk about getting that on the table and then we should goes to resolution without a win or lose. Okay the of this is a problem. How should we solve it. What our options. Let's define the problem together.

Let's calmly talk about it in a way that I'll show you and what what do we learn from this. But what was really going on and as a result, what happens is you learn about each other what what what what would God have us do in the situation you see it this way I see it that way and were not. What does the umpire put what was he say about this, or do we need someone from the outside since were to deadlock because we want this to go better.

Do we need someone on the outside. Coach us and help us mentor through this whose objective because obviously neither of us are and if we could have solved. We probably would've solved it by now and when you do that, and the result is authentic oneness and and a feeling of being loved and conflict actually become something where you grow closer as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another or one man and one woman sharpens another, and so as you as you turn to the next page. What I want to talk about is how to defuse conflict in your marriage in its interesting diffuse and diffuse. Sounds pretty much the same. What happens in marriages it starts off.

I mean you can start off so small but once your emotions get in it.

Then you start looking at the other person through this and you find other faults.

So what you want to do is marriages Craig marriages, or at least good marriages and people with a good relationship you can you can you can so focus on a 5% problem and forget the 95%. That's good and little by little by little the more you focus on the problem. It grows and grows and grows and then it colors and takes away coming because of the way we did it are our conversation was terrible because of the way we handled it emotionally. We were connected because the way we handle it.

She didn't want to have sex with me and I still wanted to have sex with her, and she used it like a club. She withdraw them that I was passive aggressive and I would know that you know the trash is full day what I would just sharks. I didn't see it. She likes to be on time knowingly and unknowingly when we were fighting I just make sure we were just a little bit late sleep when you're passive aggressive.

You you take the way to pay back on the different field that safer sarcasm late.

You push the buttons and then if you push them and they they respond. Just kidding. We play lots of games and you know what does it destroys your soul and destroys your relationship. So how do you how you take a problem and diffuse it, spread it out so you get God's perspective and you deal with it. Here's the acronym the D is for define the problem on your own.

Define the problem on your own. Proverbs 15 forces the discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly when you when you when you have a disagreement don't start by solving it with the person by yourself and ask what's bothering me.

How do I feel winded. This all began journaling may not be for everyone.

I Journal a lot of times I don't. I just know I have feelings that I don't like them and I just all right myself clear this happen yesterday it was just a look and she said this and we're going about that were driving in the car just out of the blue, go here, park here do that in and I didn't say anything that just something inside me was like shot up drive the car been married 42 years. I don't mean it guide to tell me which spot it, and why that bothered me as well. So rather than their it's a right that out and if you get what's going on why why why just making me so angry and then pray and ask God for your insight. Proverbs 21, two, says all a man's waiting way seem right to him that the Lord weighs the heart.

If you didn't do anything other than G of diffuse men you have so many less arguments if you just define what what what we do as we react to it. If you have attention of pain a problem situation. If you can just go stop.

I'm going to define what's going on here. The I is for initiate a time to talk. Matthew 523 and 24 says. Therefore, if your offering your gift at the altar and there remember your brother or mate has something against you, leave your gift there at the altar altar first go and be reconciled to your brother or your made and then come and offer your offering and when I say initiate a time to talk just pleased him right time right place, trying to solve a complex problem at the wrong time in the wrong place will not go well.

It's a kind that's good for both of you. Don't be pushy, but don't procrastinate know we really need to meet while I'm exhausted.

Now I can pick up the kids and I got to do this and I got to do that you and I got a big meeting okay okay then Friday morning okay.there's some things that are on my heart. I just want to discuss. So you define that your clear talked with the Lord you initiated time to talk the F's focus on the perceived problem, not the person. Proverbs 18, 19, says, and offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city and disputes are like Bart Gates of The Citadel. In one of the huge issues in our marriage was we, neither of us her family didn't have any conflict because it was illegal and my my folks that they would have conflict but they they came from the school was not doing from the kids so we we never saw how conflict got resolved and my dad blew up my mom stuffed in and you do understand it left yourself you very much do what not the people told you, but what was modeled and so you get it when I said some of you to break out of old patterns and develop new ones, and so jump this down this is going to be important. The way you bring up a problem without attacking the person is called a I feel message.

This was on our refrigerator for two years and I feel message. Let me tell you know just make it because I want to know that it doesn't have to be over big thing. It usually big stuff under the surface so I'm late. Why are you late again don't you even care. You should come home on time high fixed all this food and you don't even care you don't even give rep tell me what to do all the time :-) and I'm working full time I'm going to school full-time from supporting the kids on my blade I'm up early. I'm studying great men.

I have some fun.

Well, silence, bedroom, here we go three day journey all over dinner wasn't what I would learn later is I spent all day doing something to say I love you and I fixed it.

You didn't show up. Need anything call and when I heard was there's no room for me to have a life of my own. I'm busting it like crazy. I'm already insecure about being figured out how to be a dad to kids that I you know I adopted a year ago and and and when you start with that you should you ought then those are for man those are fighting words. You ought you should you always you never that some mothers talk to sons the me tell you those are fighting words. Both directions adults don't talk to adults like that.

That's authority to inferiors bold and if that's true then how how do you get it on the table without saying you ought, you should raising your voice it's and I feel message so here's the picture this. These are the stories are about to hear the names of not been changed to protect the innocent.

Okay, so this was in it were in counseling were working through all this and so you know it's it's another time and I'm feeling bad and I'm feeling guilty. I'd unlock an attacker but I walk in such a great game. I mean we just kept winning. It was so wonderful and there's a brotherhood. There's just something about hanging with guys you haven't met and doing it that I just love them and so I walk in and the kids aren't around and the table set and there's candles lit and I'm going why does she always do this when I played basketball and she's thinking what if she was like basketball that I do this and so III came in and she goes she was like home in her right mind know now I'm yeah no fire in her eyes. Okay so I Hazelton sums wrong here. You like your on patrol United. I was wrong.

I can feel it sums wrong and she was still hungry city of your it's in the oven. I'll get it for you to sit down. Candles are still lit so she gets it out of the oven puts on the table 1 and then she sits down she does look mad. I just reverse psychology was coming on here. This is start is really starting to scare me.

So you know I eat and she lets me eat and you like it. Yeah, and I'm thinking I think I'm just can get by with this, you know, and them I said so right time.

She processed personally what the real issue was right time right way candles and then she looks at me and leans over eyeball to eyeball since the chip can repay something that sure she said I spent half of the day preparing this meal for you because I love you I feel hurt when you don't call and you don't get to enjoy this meal that I made to express my love for you. I feel hurt, you can't argue with someone's feelings and because she did it in that way. A gentle answer turns away wrath. Proverbs 15 and I mean it was like God use 860. I mean I just get up and fight like a real man that was unfair and for the first time I made the connection between my lateness in her heart and what she was experiencing and she didn't nag. She didn't attack. She gave and I feel message and I can remember hold dozens of times later, guys, rose, and it's been great Superman.

I got I got a hot date with my wife. I gotta run you will take my place and I bet I wasn't late three or four times in the next five years because now it's not helping listening to part shifts message resolving conflict peaceably will be right back with his application for the stitching from his series keeping love alive volume 2, are you and your spouse going through a rough patch does it seem like all you do is argue you feel disconnected if that's where you are or you know a couple who struggling. Don't miss the series. These messages will help restore your commitment to your spouse and rekindle lost love chip shares for key skills that define a great marriage and these are lofty ideas. These are practical ways you can build a lasting relationship with your spouse. Are you ready to get your marriage back on track. For more information about keeping love alive volume to go to LivingontheEdge.org or call us at AAA 333-6003 Listeners, special offers. Thanks Dave. I want to share an important request with you if Living on the Edge is ministering to you. Would you consider returning the favor and if you been listening, but haven't yet become a financial partner with Living on the Edge.

Would you prayerfully consider sending a gift today and if you've given but could do it monthly. I can't tell you make a huge difference if we all pitched in, it would just make an incredible difference in terms of what we can do here to reach and care for more people. So thanks so much for all that you do and thanks for just praying and doing whatever God chose you to do and we will receive it with great gratitude will as you prayerfully consider your role with this ministry I would remind you that when you partner with Living on the Edge. Every gift is significant when you stand with us financially. Our ministry efforts and resources are multiplied in ways that only God can do to send a gift call us at AAA 333-6003, or if you prefer to give online just go to LivingontheEdge.org app listeners Donate your partnership as a great encouragement. Now here's chip with his application as we wrap up the first part of this message. I just want to remind you of some things that we often forget number one conflict doesn't mean you have a bad marriage. Marriage wasn't intended to be easy arguments, conflict, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, struggles unmet expectations. If you experience some of those in your marriage for the sake welcome to the NFL. I mean we all have those.

The difference is how do you learn to attack the problem instead of the person. When we collide with our spouse over an issue if we can learn to not allow our emotions to engage quickly.

Our anger or our mouth to get rolling before we begin to think and to process and what I call diffuse the anger diffuse the situation so it gets spread out and then you get perspective and then you have some skills to begin to address okay what's really going on here. Why do I feel this way.

What's behind this.

What's the highest best most loving explanation for why he said that or did that work.

She said that or did that and so what Christ calls us to do is not return evil for evil, and by the way, please don't hear me saying there's a big argument.

Some of the deepest conflict as you get wounded, and it happens inside and you don't say anything but your heart just start to get hard and it gets hard and then for some of us were passive-aggressive in our next broadcast, I'm gonna walk through some very specific ways to address the core issue and how to diffuse that conflict just before we close our mission that Living on the Edges to help Christians live like Christians. One of the ways we do that is by giving away free resources. So when you hear a message. That's especially helpful. We hope you'll pass it on to others there easily shared from the chip and remap or by forwarding the free MP3s from our website. LivingontheEdge.org and don't forget to include a note about how it made a difference in your life will be sure to be with us again next time Winship continues his series keeping love alive. Volume 2 for the entire team. This is Dave really saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge