I Choose Peace - In Relational Conflict, Part 2

Everyone experiences relational conflict.

It's part of the human condition, moms, dad, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, friends, neighbors, coworkers, write-downs in relationship are normal. Today I'm going to talk about five specific ways to resolve relational conflict not on. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with two finger tips are vital to this international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians just a minute will continue our series, I choose peace. As Chip wraps up his message on finding relationships, the practical advice he's going to share in this program is really applicable for every moment after this message and passable friend, either through the chipping roadmap by downloading the free MP3 LivingontheEdge.org what's it going enjoy Chip for part two of his message in relational conflict. Philippians chapter 4 coffee shop sometime in an act like you have your funds on this list everybody does listen, but it's really fun to conversations but I don't know what he's thinking you know you and he plays golf three times a week and he expects me to take care of malevolent. My roommate and a lot in the refrigerator.

This is my side. This is her side not pay for everything is what she didn't get my supervisor. I think he's on drugs you know you got talking about someone else and what to do gasoline on the fire. He says get your focus support and not only this, is there something are you ready Christians ready small group ready family there something actually more important than are you happy and are you getting along and is person and it quickly, and apologized. He says you have a personal responsibility, let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. The Lord is near, could mean you he's available but in the context the Lord is near. The Lord is near.

As he's coming back. That's what he does talk about life is short you can be charged. I'm going to be judged to let your gentleness. We don't have a single English word to translate this. He's basically saying okay get your focus upward in the midst of this conflict whole church and you two ladies, let your gentleness, let your forbearance. Let your geniality, let your generosity.

That's the idea of this work.

Let your consideration. As one commentator said let your sweet reasonableness. The essence would be something that would go like this. Be willing to accept less then your do in this relationship for the sake of the broader message of the reputation of Christ is sort of like saying you know what, I'm not going to be proved right. I'm not can own, not just the 5% I think I'm to go had known 51% of this so we get the ball moving and I'm willing to humble myself because this relationship being right is more important than me being right to get it. That's the point is to execute humility. So how do you do it. Each of these verses. I think it was a very specific application about how to resolve or defuse problem relationships and annual learning just a minute why I say I choose peace because what I'm asking to do that is what God is asking you to do is to stop putting it off.

Rationalizing stop saying it'll get better in time.

Stop saying things like, well, I know how they can respond.

So why try relationships really matter to God and if there someone in your family or someone in the body of Christ, especially in so number one resolve to stop procrastinating.

The word resolve.

In other words, I'm going to ask you as God's representative for this little tiny moment to make a commitment to address the problem.

Relationships that came to your mind in the next seven days. Make a commitment might be the beginning might be. I'm gonna talk with someone might be okay.

I need to talk to the counselor might be time to schedule appointment. If you don't deal with it. Are you ready you're under stress. It's impacting your body you a lot of times we go to the refrigerator or eat or drink too much of something or some of you that are wrestling with addictions to understand the problem is not the alcohol it's not the drugs off the Internet when there is a lack of peace when there's that unsettled that that soul you will fill it with something that will give you a pseudo-piece short term and that require a bigger shot of that something to keep that artificial peace for a while until you find yourself looking up in some ditch with tons of pain. We have a command we want to be. Romans 12 Christians Romans 1217 says respect what is right in the sight of all people as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. All men, Christians, non-Christians, workers, supervisors, neighbors, the word respect. Literally it means to consider in the word is like an accounting term and it's it's a it's a thoughtful pondering stepping back its consider. It's where you get out of jury they wronged you. And they did this and they did that, and here's all the reasons they should and you just pause and have an out of body experience mean this in a New Age Way and you actually look at the situation and you say, from their perspective, how possibly could. They see themselves as being right all their their gifts are more this way than mine. They come from this kind of the family.

They were wounded in the past like that and all will cost you know if I was trying to be objective. Those two points were actually pretty true, but there may be defensive, it's how can you consider nothing you agree. Just consider what's right in their eyes, you do understand. People don't wake up like I want to ruin every relationship and be a jerk. That's my goal.

No one does that when there being a jerk and ruining the relationship. However there acting makes sense to them what you want to find out is how could this possibly makes sense because understanding is the first step toward any kind of restitution, resolution or healing or forgiveness.

Second, reevaluate your expectations, especially those of us that are followers of Jesus, you know, we have this expectation. Christians should never argue Christians should never have tension in a relationship.

Christians should never have a falling out. So if we do, there's gotta be a bad person. Can I ask you in this text, is there bad person is. I mean, they both contended for the faith looking to be in heaven. Part of Paul's going ladies, you have a long time, the circuit will now but we have this idea that if there's tension in it. If you share it now.

Sometimes we don't share it in the best way but the expectation that everything's going peace sorted Jesus and he can mail everything's wonderful, or to expect that he's a Christian businessman or she is a Christian mom and she cut me off in the pickup line that Christian school and then I don't think she was pointing where to go with that finger actually she called himself a Christian. He says he's a Christian leader and right you fill it in. So your your father.

All of us happen to be followers of Christ you've never done that right. You never said things that you would be ashamed of.

You never acted in ways a memorizing of verse right now is God.

Some of us are sort of I call rescuers and some of us are warriors. Rescuers want everything text now we have to make this right. Everything has to be smooth.

Warriors are justice warriors. There you need to see what the issue his and your stuff. Can anyone imagine which one I might be, I married a rescuer, we can fix this calm, quiet, lovely Teresa. Unlike that's wrong. I totally admit they're wrong until they come clean it up here is your expectation, it's never going to come out the way you have pictured in your mind of them you in your anger fancies.

All I just want you to know that everything I said was wrong. I was a terrible person. I can't believe what I said you are wonderful and I am terrible. Can we be friends again. May we actually play this things can help in her mind. Conflict is real New Testament Barnabas and Paul Paul's murder. No one believes he's really come to know Jesus except one guy Barnabas Barnabas says hey I'll help you introduces them to the to the apostles, he goes off, get some training from the Lord. Years later he comes back and Barnabas are are are part of launching this amazing church in Antioch were Gentiles's first Christian church in acts 13. They're all praying and God's is set apart for me Barnabas and Paul, not Paul.

Barnabas Barnabas is leader and his name is the son of encouragement, expectation, gifts, loving very generous in his get this I mean this great intellect communicator and so they go on this missionary journey and and God is amazing amazing thing. So then they think they're ready to do another one and under discipling people so so Paul has found Timothy's wanted to go in and Barnabas that John Mark is a good young guy and they go on the second journey is a going second journey, John Mark flicks out, so I got Hardy got difficult. We don't have details. He quit and went back home will now the ready for like you in the next round in and in pulses. We need to revisit the churches and Barnabas. As we have will take John Mark because he didn't do so well that I been. Here's the Chip Ingram.

This is not in the Bible. Don't look for the slow part appears. Barnabas you know I bet he's my discipleship group and you know he has abandonment issues that he struggles with commitments and you know he needs another chance and he's gonna make it. He's really gonna make it.

He needs to go on this trip and Paul driven choleric type a mission from God. No, we may know I said no you can't go no. Why deflate the missions to important we can put something like again. Barnabas says to Paul by the way, this is all to okay don't know. We looking for exiting, but what is the heart of Khabarovsk is so who were you. You were a murderer, and I helped you out. Where would you be okay, that's different mission is what counts, and body weight innocent comes, we read the Bible and if you ever been in a Jewish culture and high-powered people.

This was not Barnabas going Paul I really think we should take him and Paul going well swell Barney but you know I just don't really think it's can work this. This would something like this coming I'm either going nuts and it was never the same party. Your expectation is sometimes over non-doctrinal non-moral issues. When you have different styles, different philosophies, some things happen and it's never to be the same and there's not a bad person and so that's how you talk about them, not as a bad person.

Third, get competent outside help. Okay, if you're working on a relationship in your marriage if you're working on a relationship network. If you're working on a relationship with a friend. If it's someone in the small group and you just you just keep rubbing each other the wrong way and God is put on your heart.

I need to do something so that we restore this relationship so there is peace and every time you try, you just get more frustrated and gets worse. It means you can't do it and there's no that's not bad.

Get outside help told this and I'll tell it again and again and again and again because especially for us men what our wives say we need outside help. We should go to counselor our reaction is will you can go if you want to put out only does all men are looking down is true, but I don't really that touchy-feely junk we really say is, and that's it.

That's an arena that's very, very threatening and I don't want to look at stuff in my life and that's where I was a been married nine months I was in seminary to learn to preach the word of God. I can get along with my wife, making $1000 a month in the student discount rate is 90 or $95 per session, and I did 12 sessions with my wife, and the only thing that kept me from going.

I wouldn't go for a couple weeks was my arrogant pride that I didn't want to be seen as someone who is a quote seminary student who couldn't get along with his wife. Humility is the channel through which grace flows five years later we had another little bump what we realizes we had all kind of issues to work through. It was amazing things okay will this end of the deal. Let's go talk with someone, get it out objectively.

We been talking for hours is not working to get some help to help needs to be biblically wise someone you respect someone whose objective is not your friend or their friend and someone that you can trust to say from a biblical perspective.

Here's how you to can bring some things to resolution, and both of you will hear some things you don't want to hear and both of you will walk away going. I've now decided to stop demanding the other person change for marriage to be what needs to be because I can't control that but here's what I've learned about me that I need to change and I'm going to work on that with you whether he or she responds or not.

Some of you that your application for others it's a business relationship and you need some outside help.

Fourth refused to allow one relationship to ruin your life if you are a rescuer and has to be fixed until everyone sits down until you feel illegally about everything and it's just the way you know and it happens in churches is just crazy stuff like you. You let the Bible study last year but then someone had a health issue and you had to be out of town and someone filled in for you and is coming around again and they're asking her to lead instead of you all want it cut me out. I know you talked your friends another got this for you here about this when you know I worked on the parking team and this was my corner and I love this corner and you know I got cancer and I was out in a four months and I came back the parking treatment someone else at my corner. Do you believe you got my corner of the parking your laughing. I've been doing this church stuff like 35 years. It's worse than that, they change the colors we put flowers up here and we put them here after the funeral and someone to put them off to the side and now they hate everybody. Do you understand some of you are held captive. I had a little gal. She was 14 at the time, came up after the service and talk about her dad left when she was 14 and she was in tears and distraught.

This was years later, I told her I said or you can give him the power he can forgive him no relationship since then. Some of you have a relationship like that and it's in acts 20 your kids.

It doesn't call and have resentment. Now I want to give you a tool about how to start the conversation so that in your Seo you don't blow it up and I'll do that at the very end. You have to make a decision. First, don't let one relationship as far as it depends on you when you take a step. I'm not even telling you that respond well. They don't have to respond well. But when you, as far as it depends on you have done all that you can you step back you be at peace with them because we all have this, but we rarely deal with it. And part of it is we don't know how in the bigger part is that we have so refrained and underlined their terrible and bad, and it's none of our fault, the worst time I've had in my life was a little over 10 years ago and I felt like it and I'm certain the part of my perspective is really true that I went through the biggest betrayal of my whole life and it was just it was the raw steel. I mean I was so angry I couldn't sleep.

We talk about the digital alarm unit 111 2043 17 it just like every night like that you know you know when I had driving the car had put on music or something in my stomach would grind with no pictures of people and what they said in different meetings and I was livid and had a friend really help me and we sat down one day and usually help me get through all this and give me you know get vertical comes really good been a pastor for a lot of years, like I wasn't stupid about what I need to do is just hard to do it and I said could you do me a favor yeah yeah this is really is there certainly some or all deals here right jacket right system but I'm to do some for me. Yeah I want to meet here I stay right where was sitting next week right here same time and what you pray for seven days.

I want you to list all the mistakes that God reveals to you that you made in all your time and all the specific ways that you send against the people question and you're my friend. He's a godly guy and I did. I member coming back and sitting at the same place getting my Diet Coke, leaning forward and when here's gone.

Well, you know and I can see I push their buttons. These were such stupid leadership mistakes and the sin part was hard, but I prayed God showed me the seven things run down.

It's amazing how much we say, oh God, I want justice, but from you. I want mercy and that was the turning point is I realize I couldn't ask. I couldn't ask God to give me mercy for all of this in the give me justice for them and was able to. Are you ready for some of you just let it go. There never to see it that way for some of the others.

It's not There's not a little bow you not to sing Kumbaya you go shopping together and have lunch again, but you can agree to disagree you can forgive, and you can move forward as far as it depends on you. The final point and I want you to drop this one down is remember our right response is more important than being right or right response is more important than being right. Let your gentleness be evident to all. Life is too short and part of a right response, at least in my experience is even in apologies, I had a situation recently where I conversation got really intense and then I looked at the sky's face and realize, oh my gosh man, I just I just poured cold water on him and his confidence in you know when home went to bed and you know one of those were God just wakes you up. This was and that Lord, what am I going to do that was an end normal and on like you. You do you need your flesh was want to defend yourself. And while there was this this this and this got to know what I'll take care of this. This is in this. How about this on you and I just one of those where I mean… So just own more than you need to own if necessary because what I can tell you is whatever your perspective is your like me, you're more guilty and you're more messed up than you think. So if you think it's like 25% default go for 50 or 60, and I remember just realizing only thing I could do as far as it depends on me. I just dear so-and-so, I want to apologize for bump up up up up up on apologize for saying this bump up up up up on apologize for up up up on apologize. Actually I said this is obvious the defensiveness. It wasn't even true and was just able to say you know this is such a godly man and I just needed to repent and I can see.

So God looks on two days later so supportive, so loving I got it.

You're forgiven that.

Can I tell you that's normal if you're if you want to accomplish something with your life. You want a great marriage of Sparks doing a great relationship with your dog. Could you bring up stuff that's uncomfortable but you have to bring it up in a in a way that doesn't throw gasoline on a fire but brings truth covered in love, turned to the back page in this is what all I want to ask you to do is I want you to ask yourself on a scale of 1 to 10. What level of stress and concern. Are you having in terms of any relational problems, and then sit down to question four. Is there anyone that is your sitting here God is saying you need to you need to address this in the question is who could help you and the one tool it's on the bottom. It's not a Christian book, but it's called crucial conversations tools for talking when stakes are high, written by Patterson Jenny McMillan Sweitzer. I don't know anything about them. All I can tell you through four people told me. Finally my son. Dad your ministry and you have read this book. Well, I read it and it is the most helpful pathway to love people and put hard things on the table doesn't threaten want you to bow your head and want you to ask the Lord, Lord, what he want me to do what you want me to do. Can you imagine the healing that occurred in families, extended families, small groups, this church neighborhoods.

If you all of us do what God is showing us Lord. We love you. We thank you and we praise you, and I asked now that you give courage, supernatural courage and faith to every single person in this room. Every single person that ever hears or watches this or that you would bring healing because what happens is you grant peace and we thank you right back with this app message in relational conflict is series I choose peace chips, focusing his attention in these programs on the circumstances that rob us of our peace that's troubled relationships, difficult circumstances, moments of anxiousness or financial insecurity. This series provides practical local answers to these areas where we struggle to maintain peace. The fact is we all wrestle with finding contentment and harmony so let me encourage you to reach out to a few friends and go through the series together and discover God's truly satisfying piece for more information about the series or to order chips brand-new book I choose peace visit LivingontheEdge.org app listeners tap special offers before we move on. Chip is something you'd like to share. Can you imagine what it would be like to live in a world where Christians really live what Christians mean when you meet a Christian, they would actually be a person of integrity and and live the holy life. Not perfect but holy and loved and cared about people mean a whole world like that. Well let me back off. Well how about just jerking. No, not even your community, just everybody in your church and an unknown. How about how about just you and your family and a handful of friends in your really followed Christ with all your heart and even with your struggles and ups and downs. Your authentic life.

Can you imagine the impact in your home, your neighborhood, your work, I mean the entire network of just you, your family and handful of friends. Well 20 years ago God put something on my heart to call and to equip Christians to actually live like Christians and you know it started to something really small and then it's grown like crazy and you know what it can start really small with you and then grow like crazy as well. So if Living on the Edges had impact in your life.

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Just give us a call a 8883336003, or if you prefer to give online you can donate securely by going to LivingontheEdge.org app listeners just tap donate. Your generosity is greatly appreciated will now hear strip with some final thoughts about today's message as we wrap up today's program. I want to ask you something very personal, who did the Lord bring to your mind as I was wrapping up the teaching time. I mean who was it and before you start into all I'm not really all that mad is not that big a problem etc. etc. just who did God bring to your mind and what I want you know now is that the Lord is giving you an opportunity to choose peace. Most of us shove this to the side right. People often pretend it's not a problem often get depressed because we don't ever deal with the issues the resentment the bitterness the anger on resolve conflicts don't get better with time they get better with faith in action encourage can I give you five specific ways.

In fact, you may want to go to our website and download these notes and review them a few times before you act on them, but let me do a review number one resolve to stop procrastinating.

I want you to put a date on the calendar. I may open your phone in and stick it on a day that I'm going to act on this. I'm gonna start the process of resolving this conflict. Number two.

Reevaluate your expectations.

I mean we talked about that but I mean you really think this person's entire personality and perspective is going to change overnight. You know what can you reasonably expect and can you just do as far as it depends on you. Maybe things won't be wonderful.

But as far as it depends on you. You could say Lord I've done my part third get competent outside help if you could have solved it on your own. It would've been solved by now. I'm so glad that in my marriage and in at least a couple really difficult work situations. I needed someone else to come in and be that objective third party to help both of us learn and grow.

Number four refused to allow a relationship to ruin your life and you realize how much time how much energy how much stomach acid. How many conversations you've had with other people about this. Don't let one relationship ruin your life.

And finally, remember that your right response matters way more to God than your rights.

And so, Lord, I pray you said that the world would know that we are years, by the way that we love one another and when we don't, it screams that you are not true and fathered not just for our sake but we pray right now for your reputation that you would give each one of us right now. Encourage and faith to follow these steps and father I pray you bring unity and peace resolution.

Lord first for your glory and then for the resolution and the joy that you want in our relationships with one another. In Jesus name, amen. In case you missed some of the points Chip just reviewed their pulled straight from his message notes, which is a tool available for every program. So let me encourage you to get this resource before you listen to us again. Chips notes include his outline all of the Scripture references and lots of feelings to help you remember what your learning chips message notes are a quick download@livingontheedge.org under the broadcasts tab app listeners just tap fill in notes: select sign this is Dave Gurley saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge