Keeping Love Alive - Forgiving - How to Restore Your Peace, Part 2

How do you restore the love connection. Enjoy your marriage when you're completely at odds with his resentment and anger in your heart when one of you has really messed up.

That's today stay with thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge Chip Ingram chip is our Bible to international discipleship program in this program.

Chip reps of the series keeping the love alive by sharing the principles of the practical implications of a specific tool to help you with a step-by-step process of relationship doesn't forgive.

We all mess up the tough part is putting things back together in a way where you can peaceably happily going after the teaching today chips always with us in studio to share some additional thoughts about his message, so be sure to stay with us for that you have a Bible open it now to John chapter 21. Let's join chip for part two of his message forgiving. How to restore your peace notice in your notes.

The principles three principles flow out of this passage for us. The first one is Jesus meets us where we are on the unspoken liars. Somehow, if you can be or do you have something different then God will accept you somehow someway I don't know where you're at. I don't how broken how much denial I don't know how numb I don't how your compensating but Jesus said, I want to meet you today just right where you're at. Second thing that comes out of this passage as he gently demands that we face the truth about ourselves. Did you notice I think he was as gentle and he had a meal and he reminded him, but did you notice it wasn't words of condemnation, they were questions of discovery do you love me and you said you did before. Right deal of me. He kept asking questions.

So Peter had to go from denial to well to yes to know what I'm to unconnected this happened in my life and he faced it in a conversation last night with a person that is walled off in his words because I don't feel anything. I'm numb and he told me about his life in NY and I just said I can completely understand why your Naaman wife just feels like she's just I mean huge wall can't get in but I told him because he could tell he was stuck and I know what to say.

I said you know what you need to keep going that counselor, but you need to invite your wife I would never want her to hear anything kind of things that I saw.

I went through. I said you know maybe I'll let her decide you know what she's feeling. She's only she can get in your life and and and and maybe you say I'm going invite you to go to the counselor I'm gonna share some things that are pretty graphic. The source of my nightmares is the source of my guilt are the source of my shame, and you can you can leave anytime. I don't want to continue to try and work this out just by myself and you know II ask him. I call it the Dr. Phil question. You know, because he had lots of good reasons why he wouldn't want to share those things.

Just like my dad had lots of good reasons why he rarely if ever. Except for twice shared those things and I just asking how's that working. How's that working for you because that working for your marriage. How's that working for your wife now, please. I'm not trying to say. By any sense of authority other than what I can tell you after pastoring people for about 35 years is that if you stay numb. If you keep compensating for, or if you keep denying and blaming your soul is going to die and you will ruin every relationship that matters.

So as painful and is ugly and as difficult as it is to engage and allow God to help you see both the truth, but in the context of grace. That's where healings can come this man changed the course of all history and he send more greatly against our God than anyone because part of the culpability of sin is the amount of truth in the knowledge that you have.

No one saw more miracles than Peter. No one had more private conversations. No one saw more people raise from the dead. No one saw the Mount of Transfiguration. He betrayed that he betrayed and had a level of knowledge.

The most horrendous sin against the Son of Man, was committed by Peter safe, possibly Jesus and God made him live it again and not only forgive him but restore him and then in that brokenness, I'm I'm guessing I'm guessing conversations that you have with Peter when you were struggling with something after this event and for the next several decades.

I bet he was a pretty tender guy I think is a pretty understanding guy. I bet it is a pretty compassionate guy. I bet he was away way more humble guy and I'm I'm imagining there was a church that was built around his vision and passion to the Jews, like Paul was to the Gentiles the change the course of the world because he didn't just get forgiven. He got restored. The third principle that comes out of this is that he affirms Jesus affirms our value and our worthiness by commissioning us to service. It's it's one thing to hear words it's I want to use you. He wants to use you your horrendous difficulty, experience, betrayal, sin ally that you committed a crime that no one knows about always wish sometimes, especially in church and people they look so cleaned up on the outside.

No, I get to know them all through the week and I would just love like their top five sins without their names like have this huge board behind me like in all of our sins go up in multicolor's when the vehicle and then and then maybe have you know how they do those visuals were maybe like red would come over and be the blood of Christ and the cross will emerge. Just go down through and cover them and then we would look at each other and say I guess we don't have to pretend anymore because we can just be ourselves.

I guess were all now saints, children of God forgiven with wounds and scars, pain and difficulty in brokenness and what if God actually causes his power to be perfected out of our brokenness out of our hurt and out of our failure because that's where he takes us and puts us on the mantle of his grace. Practical implications and this gets to your marriage, is that you can't forgive your mate until you've received both forgiveness and restoration.

Something I don't know about the human psyche when you got unresolved issues and you went when it's, it's, you know that the classic parable. You know you know the log in your I suspect right then it is amazing we have stuff inside. It is so easy to see in someone else in the person lives close to right you nag and she does that he does that he's like that a lot of our anger and a lot of that outward focus is because of the big log that we don't and you would be shocked at what would happen if you received both God's forgiveness and his restoration of how that would allow you remember what Jesus said to the disciples freely. You've received freely give the teeth you haven't, deeply and fully received your pretty judgmental you're pretty high on the truth than that judgmental instead of the mercy I don't know if you pray the Lord's prayer I prayed often when I wake up I can go through Psalm 23. Before I get out of bed and I ponder what that is and then I'm gonna phrase by phrase often as I lay there because I wanted before I get bombarded email or thoughts or problems on our Father's Day.

You're in heaven, your sovereign God holy God. I want your name to be cherished in my mind my thoughts give me this day. What I need, just not just physically, but the daily bread of truth in everything forgive me of my sins, please.

Today as I forgive those who trespass against me.

Lord, please. You know the meetings you know the places gardening and lead me away from temptation and I pray through that but you know what's one of the prayers you can forgive as you have been forgiven for some of you the reason you're so critical. And you can't resolve conflict in your marriage is and you got stuff.

Your whole bundle, stuff, you must learn to receive and grant forgiveness as a regular rhythm of your life and if you turn on the back of your notes. I want to give you a tool Ephesians 432 you'll need to look that up. I highly encourage you to memorize, but be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.

Also, just as Christ forgave you be kind. Here's the key, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, how just as Christ has forgiven you.

You know how he for gave you exactly the same way you gave Peter and until that happens, you will not release and forgive your mate dealing with your own guilt and shame under practical steps number four it says what you need to do to take fully forgive your mate put the past behind you that you can write this under here is the deal with your own guilt and shame I don't know what that looks like it might be a tough journey. In many cases it requires some professional help. Second is experience God's forgiveness and restoration.

Only you know where you're at on that and then as you do that, freely give what you've received. The reason I don't want to forgive my wife or anyone is, I feel like if I forgive them. I'm letting them off the hook and I want to pay for what they did to me at the heart of the lack of forgiveness is vengeance. And God says vengeance is mine, I will repay sets of Lord if your enemy is hungry feet of his thirst to give him a drink.

Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.

That's the end of Romans 12 and and when you can realize all ask has God given you what you deserve and you think all now. He's been merciful, then you can't turn around and do anything but give mercy first to your mate another's.

What they don't deserve the whole book of first John is whatever is true vertical. If it's not true horizontal than is really not true vertically. You say you love God and hate your neighbor you're a liar and the truth is in and you let me give you very specific game plan to take next steps. Notice where it says is there an issue you need to defuse because this is unpacking something so this is a DE FUSE and I'm going to give you just a little acronym has we talked about the truth. We talked about the grace we talked about you reentering this I just want to give you a little step-by-step plan that you say okay Lord. This is can be hard it's can be be painful on that have addressed some issues all need help. I'm gonna go through this with my mate because I'm not gonna let either what I've seen what I've done in the past defined me any longer and I will not allow to ruin my marriage and by the way as a child of the World War II vet who never dealt with this.

I got news for you. I was one messed up guy for a long time, and despite as much. I came to Christ as a young adult and is much as I worked really hard to renew my mind. I've had some very significant conversations, especially with my older boys who said hey dad, I'm glad I'm glad you made a lot of progress, but I got news for you, dad. You passed on a lot of that stuff that bad stuff that your dad that he didn't deal with some of your wounds you passed on to us. We had some very honest conversation. There's a lot on the line people. There's a lot on the line. There's no no no little boxes that get hidden. No more numbness no more say I'm not going to gauge I'm not to let my mate and all I want to go to a counselor I want to do with this. It's too painful. I'm just gonna bury it. It God of grace brought you here to reengage in the most painful things in your life and it will be the sap of both truth and looking at things and facing them honestly and receiving grace. At the same time. That's the heart on the new beginning. Here's how you do it defuse the D stands for define the issue clearly. I don't know what yours is. Could've been an event could be something you did could be a lie. I don't know what it is that I'm onto something a wild guess that a lot of you not thinking how can I show one what that is. I'm thinking it's coming to your mind. The E enter the pain and hurt. Just decide to follow no more than I'll know more blaming, no more criticizing. No, I don't need that help all that psychology that counseling stuff all the no no no no I'm gonna entertain me to enter the hurt. I'm going to go back to where the coal was burning when it happened.

I'm going to go back to when I was called and I'm going to go right through that.

But this time I'm going to go through with a God who loves me who's paid for. Who cares for me and he's going to give me grace.

The F is asked for forgiveness. If you haven't, I'm amazed at the number of people I meet who who have things and and some of it is like it. I got thrown into a situation.

I feel overwhelmingly guilty.

I needed to do. I had to do what I did, and yet I feel overwhelmingly guilty would just take it to God and say I didn't sign up for this or this or that, but let's just get a clear just forgive me and cleanse me.

David prayed that God forgive me for the stuff that I don't even know about even presumptuous sent her stuff in my heart just once and for all.

Draw a line in the sand and ask God to help you and forgive you for anything done or anything done to you or any shame that you feel, or any acts or acts of omission and then the you is understand the process. Think people get very confused about forgiveness. Whether it's forgiving someone else, or even at times how God forgives us there's three phases to forgiveness. There's three tenses of the verb went when I'm going to forgive someone it's a choice. By the way, it was a choice. Jesus chose to forgive you. It was an event when he died on the cross he forgave you. God spared not his own son, but delivered him up for us all. He forgave you when he died on the cross for God so loved the world he gave his one and only son, that whosoever would believe in him might not perish but have eternal life. First John says he died for us, not only for us but for false prophets. He's died for all people of all time. Only question is is will you receive it. So forgiveness is safe to my wife the something hurts me very deeply. I choose to forgive her. At stage I phase 2 is a process forgiving some of you been betrayed or hurt, or had horrendous things happen or been abused and you forgive but then there's a flash or there's a song where there's an event and it stirs up emotions and it feels like the scab gets pulled off and the anger flares up and you like maybe I haven't forgiven none of the no you are in the process.

So once you choose to forgive then you start to pray for the person who hurt you. It says bless those member Jesus what he do your enemies, bless those who persecute you, bless and curse not. Romans 12 your enemy hurt you. Pray for him.

All I can tell you is it will release your anger and free you.

I was on a been betrayed most painfully in ministry situations won't going to any of the details but some of you would understand when you're so livid you could you conduce some things to a person because it's so unfair and so bad you would regret the rest your life a been there and I want to forgive… I verb few weeks.

I refuse to forgive and not let him off the hook and then I came to the realization so would you like me to not let you off the hook. No will then read the Lord's prayer, the more carefully to his if you don't forgive them. I don't forgive you. Okay, so it's a choice, but we don't have to feel it, you choose.

I choose, I would write down.

Here's the date within my motions. Forgiveness is a is an act of the will, but your emotions are process so that I begin to pray for this person. Lord, help them see what a jerk he is Lord I pray that you help them to see what he did. How bad it was and that he would publicly say it can come back and apologize to me.

Those were my early prayers and the Lord said well that's really not the blessing that I have in mind and reluctantly I'm just talking to two year process and so now I'm Lord, would you would you bless his marriage okay. Would you bless his marriage would you would you help his children. He happened to be someone that was in ministry Lord is would you bless the work of his hands.

Would you would you cause good to come to him and and all I can tell you is, every time I took the Lord's supper. I made a vow that I don't make many valves at all before God. I will never take the Lord's supper until I go through again the process of blessing and calling down your goodness upon this person who did this to me and little by little by little you know what changed my motions and then is about a year and someone came and just was from another town and visited this person and said hey did you hear about so-and-so and told me something good about. So being the semi hypocritical pastor that I am.

I smiled and so let's great my insides were.

That is such a bummer. God is answering my prayer down the answer my prayer to get what he deserves. See, I still had to pay back soon, so I'm forgive choice forgiving is the emotional journey.

I Pray every Lord's supper and and every time he came to mind are you know when I have a color flashback anger fantasies. I images of different things I was going to do to embarrass him in blood little about you and every time this will come. I would start praying for and is about right around two years. Someone came in again and visited where he was ministering and said something good about him and what the blessing of God on his life and how well something was going, and before I could even think my immediate reaction was joy. I was grateful. Phase 1. Forgive willful choice, an event on a certain day and time. Phase 2 forgiving a process and a journey every time your emotions go up and down when you feel anger, and the things come back up phase 3 forgiving you actually can rejoice that the person who hurt you is doing well because ultimately, isn't that what God wants for everyone. Restoration some of you need to remember that's how it works with you so you ask God to forgive you and you have emotional times were you feel overwhelmed and and guilty and you still struggle. Guess what, then you just reverse it and said God, thank you, thank you. Forgive me. Thank you. As far as the east is from the west. I may be bringing this up in my mind, but is not in your mind got up and you so gratitude and you pray and you ask, and so you begin to do for yourself exactly what we do for someone who hurt you. And so D is defined clearly he is enter the pain and the hurt F is ask forgiveness after just forgive you is understand the process and then in the now. We shift to our horizontal relationships.

The S is set things right between you okay now this is a lot of personal work up to now some of you have issues in your relationship that are unresolved and you have not forgiven your husband you not forgiven your mate okay and a lot of it has to do with all this. But here's the S set things right between you own your responsibility. If I told you how many times in my mind. Yes, we have a disagreement we have a problem, but it's 90%.

Teresa's fault and when she changes than things before slot a lot of things right.

Matthew 523 and 24 says if therefore you come before the altar to give your offering and there remember your brother has something against you, leave your offering at the altar first go and be reconciled to your brother, then return and make your offering. In other words, being right is far less important than a right relationship.

If you're convinced that it's 90% his fault and 10% years and you know there's a conflict.

You go and own your 10% honey I am so sorry that when you did this. I responded in this way you go.

Own your 10% because it causes the beginning to start.

So you own your part.

Are you ready this is this is a bit odd. Confess that these are I was wrong was the last time your mate heard that I want to own my part, I was wrong in the third phase will you forgive me and here's the response the responses not your eyes going to the left or the right your eyes looking down your eyes, wondering here's the response you look them right in the eye. You say yes, I forgive you, and it's a choice, and you may take your emotions.

A while to process that. But you set things right. You own your responsibility. You confess I was wrong. You asked for forgiveness and then the years establish a specific game plan of action to move forward.

Okay, one of the other questions was just described how Teresa and I spent the first few years of our marriage disagreement you have an argument and then you don't say anything for two or three or four days and then you just pretend it didn't happen and then you move on and you know what you do, you just plant little seeds in you pushing down into your soul and it builds what's called a root of bitterness and then you don't say anything but the last thing the world you want to do make love with that person is your heart is getting hard and you go through the motions.

Figuring your emotions innovate that the tenderness that that the connections that the joy because no one is something think of thin little layers, unresolved conflict thin the layer resentment thin little layer thin little layer thin the layer thin the layer you don't forgive you.

Don't set things right thing. The layer you know. It's called calcification and then pretty soon you Jesus others you know there's only one reason why people get divorced, according to Jesus, Moses gave the certificate of divorce because of the hardness of your heart this topic on the front of your notes. If you turn it over. It says for biblical practices. Great marriages have in common and we talked about serving and planning. We talked about connecting forgiving and notice why it's not it's restoring your peace. You don't have peace when there's unresolved conflict in your heart toward your mate and you don't have peace when there's unresolved conflict with you and God. And you don't have peace. We have unresolved conflict in your own life and so all those things come together great marriages practice forgiving in a rhythm you practice it with you and your father. You practice it in your own journey when your heart and life and you practice it with your mate like you to think about this in your marriage relationship. Is there anything that you need to make right with your mate is pause quietly and if not great to see Lord is there anything I just need to tell her tell him I'm sorry I was wrong could be little be big if it's a super heavy heavy thing get some counsel before you talk with your mate dropping bombs without a game plan is not a good plan.

Lord, thank you that you will heal everything in our hearts personally and in our marriages Lord together we covenant before you to have marriages that reflect Jesus and the church were asking you now for the courage to face, hard things we ask for the faith to believe that you love us as much as you do. God we have the grace to treat mermaids treated us right back with this application quickly. Though this message forgiving. How to restore your piece is from his series, keeping the love alive for biblical practices. Great marriages have in common.

For each of these four practices gives you a couple of principles that explain why it's true practical implications of what those principles look like in the day-to-day and then very specific tools to get this practice into action and classic chip fashion. He unfolds the roadmap to give you clear directions each step of the way you want to hear how to deepen your love, strengthen your hope multiply your joy and restore your piece. You owe it to yourself and your spouse to dig into the series and integrate what you learn for the long haul. You'll be hard-pressed to find a more practical resource for the health of your marriage for limited time resources for keeping love alive are discounted and the MP3s are always free to order your copy or to send it to a friend visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org or tap special offers on the app for additional information. Just give us a call at AAA 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003 will chip again to sing over the course of the series you've certainly been so open about the rough patches you and Therese have gone through and come out of thank you for helping us feel like our rough patches are normal. If there was a resource from all that you've learned. I mean for people to want to go deeper to finish well in their marriage. What would you say one day you know I never dreamed I would write a book on marriage but to after about 35 or 40 years of marriage I was asked to write a book on marriage as we see it crumbling in so many aspects in the Christian community is so what I did is I took what I learned from Scripture about man's role. The woman's role what God says about it and then I took the lies that I think trip us up in our marriage and then some of the practical tools that have been so helpful for me and Teresa and I put them together. It's in a book called marriage that works and then marriage that works true cards and we put this together as a resource because one a lot of couples don't have is a game plan. They don't have structure. They don't have. This is what will do. Maybe just once a week or will do this with a couple other couples, but something simple that they can do and work through and then the cards to reinforce it so they renew their mind change their behavior and grow deeper and deeper in their relationship. I'm so excited to get this into the hands of people who really want their marriage to be all that God wants it to be, well, we certainly hope you'll take advantage of the discounts on the resource bundle. Just a quick reminder this is the last day whether it's for you or someone you know, let me give you the details one more time with bundled chips book marriage that works with the companion resource called marriage that works truth cards. Knowing the book represents the biblical design for marriage what God intended it to look like, what is the unique roles of men and women and how they play out in things like finances and parenting and then in the cards. He spotlights relational lies that tend to derail marriage providing biblical truth to get us back on track. This is a powerful combination of resources that will give you the tools you need to strengthen your marriage or help you build a solid foundation before you even start to check out the discounts on this marriage that works bundle go to LivingontheEdge.org Special offers on the app or give us a call at AAA 83336003 as we wrap up today's program.

In fact, wrap up a whole series, I have to tell you this is one of the series. I wish we could keep on going is been really really exciting for me as I've had the chance to to coach or mentor couples and you not been pretty honest about my relationship with Teresa in our ups and downs and you know it's been a lot of hard work, but a lot of it is been being intentional and using these kind of tools and so you know, today I talked about that tool to resolve conflict with the acronym diffuse. Let me encourage you if you have some challenges if you need to get on the same page and bridge the gap between anger and forgiveness in and deal with some things go to the website LivingontheEdge.org and download the notes and walk through that process of diffuse and and better I would say for all of us.

If you want your marriage to grow. I mean, by nature, marriages drift, it just happens. Let me encourage you to listen to this whole message series again and this time listen to it with your mate.

Maybe listen to it individually and then have a couple coffee after dinner and you talk about it or you set aside.

You know Saturday morning or an hour sometime during the week to talk about. This is what I'm learning from this. How do we serve one another. How do we plan how we practically build hope in our marriage unit. How do we resolve things before they get too bad.

Let me just encourage you make your marriage the number two priority and everything that you do number one your own personal development and growth in your relationship with Jesus Christ and number two your marriage. What I will tell you is everything else will fall into place.

Everything else will be where it needs to be. But these two things are where you need to make your primary focus, as those priorities are clear and you see God's kingdom. He'll take care of the rest. May your marriage grow deep and strong, and may you go for it like never before. Just before we close. I want to thank each of you who's making this program possible through your generous giving 100% of your gifts are going directly to the ministry to help Christians really live like Christians you found chips teaching helpful, but you're not yet on the team.

Would you consider doing that today to donate. Just go to LivingontheEdge.org Donate on the app or give us a call at AAA 83336003 help me.

Thank you in advance for whatever the Lord leads you to do well. Until next time for everyone here. This is Dave saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge