Love Sex and Lasting Relationships - Love and Sex: Why Knowing the Difference Makes All the Difference, Part 1

When we fail to know the difference between love and sex we are doomed to fail in both the relationships and our sexuality. What is the difference between love and sex is been lost in our day. But if you don't get it right, you'll never have a relationship you really want. That's today stay with welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram serves as our Bible teacher visual discipleship program today. Chip continues his series of sex and lasting relationships in the middle of the series missed any of the programs you can find them online LivingontheEdge.org or on the chipping going showing.

If you have a Bible Ephesians chapter 5. Let's join Chip for his message. Love and sex. Why knowing the difference makes all the difference when you hear the word love and sex in the same sentence. A lot of people think that the same thing but I'm going to talk today about why knowing the difference makes all the difference in the world have three specific stories I want to tell.

I can tell a thousand of them probably the names would be changed, but their true of younger people and older people and single people and married people and divorce people. But this confusion about love and sex keeps us from having the kind of love, the kind of sex and the kind lasting relationships that God really wants the first two stories are to be told through the eyes of a counselor who interviewed these people, Les and Leslie Parrott the others to the eyes of another counselor named Paula Reinhart and I share these in a way because I want you to, sit back and listen not just with your mind with your heart and and listen to what happened in the lives of people who were confused about love and sex, and how they go together. Lauren and her boyfriend walked into their apartment during their college days.

After studying my not sure. As they walked in the door and said my roommates gone for the weekend.

She barely got in the door and in her words couldn't quite get her jacket off and he began to kiss her and tell her how wonderful and gorgeous and I love you so much. I just got to express that in Lauren would later reveal that they've been dating for about four months she believed in her heart that Mike really cared about her that shared some very, very deep things in she knew that if she didn't have sex.

Soon it would probably end the relationship, or so she believed without much forethought, the nudge led her into the bedroom and she didn't plan on having sex that night but she did and the moment that happened the relationship completely changed all she could think about was Mike she was obsessed with him.

She felt like she crossed the barrier and there was a commitment and the level that she really wanted the relationship to be. She loved him deeply.

Every day after that involve sex and so much so that she decided that when summer break came that she would rearrange her schedule so that she could live close to Mike so they could be together. She is the counselor would explain told him that I've changed my summer plans and I'm going to be here and we can be together all summer and it was received with a cool withdrawal by Mike will hear his story just a minute. She was baffled she quote gave in loves him makes a decision to want to be around him and he begins to retreat. By the end of the spring semester. They broke up. Now Lauren story is very common. Only 17% of women predecided when they're going to have sex 87% say well it just happened.

Well, unless we think Mike is sort of a bad person were in any way coerced his way into the situation. The counselors then sit down with Mike and his side of the story is quite different. He said you know we've been together for months. I would never take advantage of a girl. I don't believe in one night stands. We shared everything together.

She knew about the tragic breakup I had cried with me, prayed with me all the rest. Not only that, but I knew about the family situation and the near borderline abusive situation with her dad. We had these I mean our longing make out sessions that were marathon and wonderful we lose track of time.

I remember even one time he shares with the counselor that I I teased about taking a bath together. She kinda giggled and all that flirtation all that time I just really believe that if you really love someone and you want to express it. Sex communicates in a way that words quite can't but then when she changed her summer plans.

It was like while she's making this big commitment and I felt smothered and that's when the distance happened and that's when they broke up. Paul is a counselor and she's going to interview two young women. And as you listen to the stories of these two young women want you to be thinking about your own history and your own perspectives. Paul is the counselor and says the woman listening to me and whom on counseling right now, slouched on my sofa. She's a lovely woman, but her eyes are tired and she's depressed. I can hardly believe she's only 20 years old. She says her life not going well.

Just want to be here, but you have to talk to someone. She says she has been questions about God and yes she sleeping with her boyfriend. If you going to ask that counselor says she looked at me like it was such a dumb question and so I asked her about her depression and then I asked her a little bit about her history and her countenance changed and she begins to recite for me. Her journey, how about five years ago. She just decided she wanted to get her virginity over with so she found the guy that she didn't have any close feelings for wanted to get her virginity over with so she could in her words could have sex with guys she really cared about the counselor Paul, I scratched her head and says that's a logic I'm not familiar with but she says one common in our day. The right of passage for young women is the happy people the action people is when you have sex. The next woman in the counseling is 30 years old completely different story. She's attractive to kids, married attractive husband, good jobs she just has one small actually big problem. She hates sex.

It's boring is distasteful. The counselor asked her, tell me little about your journey and your history and where this attitude come from, and she said when I was 16 in high school I had sex for the first time in since that time. Before I met my husband. I'm not sure maybe 10 other men are so counselor listens and she says I don't get it. Help me. My husband we argue all the time. I'm just interested. We've got we got great kids. We have a great life. I have a good job. Things are going well, but this area is killing our marriage help me and so the counselor ask a very penetrating question.

She quietly whispered.

Can you picture what it would have felt like to be really cherished by a man to be so special to him that he wanted to protect your innocence. Can you sense what it would mean to be valued by that man that much.

The young attractive 30 year old woman who had never made any connection about her past promiscuity in her present problem with sex and marriage had the alignment of the hot in her mind and heart. She sat quietly and didn't say anything, but as that occurred, tears begin to roll down her cheeks. As for the first time she realized her past is now informing her present Laura's messages.

I love him. And if we don't have sex all loses love. That's the message. The truth is, unplanned sex may feel right at the time, but it almost always ushers in the end of the relationship. Mike's message is if we really love each other, how can you be wrong. I'm just expressing what I really feel the truth is, love means a total commitment not a strong emotional feeling physical intimacy exceeds genuine commitment. The relationship shatters because one has given all and others holding back.

Paula story is I need to get sex over with. I just want to get the right of passage and then what I do in the past whether I'm young, 20 or 30 has nothing to do with the future. It's just the way life is in the truth is promiscuity causes you to begin to hate yourself doubt yourself positions you where your capacity for intimacy which is the goal from God gets diminished and diminished and diminished sex with multiple partners is like two pieces of cardboard being glued together and then ripped apart and when you rip them apart.

There's a little piece of this cardboard over here and little piece over here when it happens over and over and over and over.

It creates baggage that God never intended.

God is the most pro-sex being in all the world are you ready for this. He created it. It's a gift.

It's beautiful.

We fail to understand the difference between love and sex we are doomed to failure in both the relationships and our sexuality. If you don't get clear as a married person as a single person as a divorced person as a teenager. If you don't get clear on this is sex. This is what it's about understanding clearly this is love.

And this is what real love is about and this is how and when they fit together. That's confused.

You not only have bad relationships you have that sex. So let's go to the offer of sex as you open those notes.

What's it say the very top a word from God about sex meet if we could just open up heaven and say God I mean there's sex everywhere there's commercials everywhere were bombarded world sex sex sex sex sex. Would you please give us your word on sex that you created and to do that to be in Ephesians chapter 4 and five is if you will open your Bibles or a mobile device whatever using Schilling to give you a little historical background because the danger if you're like me and you don't let them grow as a Christian I never open the Bible, I had views about the Bible that were like this. How could that old book know anything about sex, are you kidding me or you know is in the Bible about people that are really kind of prudish and don't know much about sex and you know where were modern and where, with good work on the hip and all that old stuff.

Let me give you the history when this was written. Paul's writing to the Ephesians. The main temple there was called the Temple of Diana or the Temple of love, sex is available 24 seven.

Anyway that you wanted. In fact, the ancients would say that Christianity introduced a new virtue uncommon in the day it was the virtue of sexual purity or chastity. If you are Roman or Greek man in this culture, you are expected to have a life to bear your children you are expected to have a mistress to fulfill you and everyone you are expected to go to the temple and the temples had prostitutes male prostitutes female prostitutes you could have homosexual sex. Heterosexual sex, and often you would have a slave girl and she understood that her role was not only to do whatever you said and help around the house, but sexual favors. She's a slave he's a piece of property, the liberator of women was Jesus. Jesus said your coheirs with the grace of God.

Jesus said you have value women were exploited, used, abused a piece of property in Jesus comes in the apostle Paul is writing the most counter intuitive message that's ever been heard of in the day.

It talks about the role of a woman in the role of the man in the role of sex and the role of love and he's going to say is you need to walk in love. Notice the context. Chapter 4. If you're looking in your Bible you can see that in chapter 4 verse one and opens up in a toxic metaphor for walking is basically how to live, step-by-step. Here's how you live, and so it verse one associate would walk in unity. That's good. Skip down to verse 17 were to walk in holiness were to be separate would be sure in our thoughts and our minds are actions and then in chapter 5 verse one were to walk in love, but let's get a little bit of a runway. Let's get a little bit of a runway of what does he say I put in your notes verse 30 of chapter 4 it says and do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption is circle the word grieve in your notes. I think we've fallen into a bad theology of thinking somehow that that God is the force some in personal force that gives us rules and guidelines and were supposed to live by them. He's one essence in being in three persons, he's a person grief means making someone sad disappointing them breaking their heart. The commandment is talking all about relationships is don't break the Holy Spirit's heart because he sealed you he loves you.

He has the best for you this day of redemption.

And then he says will how not to do that.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice I could define all those words but basically all those words are dissing people disrespecting people hurting people verbal actions and attitudes that make relationships bad verse 32 says instead, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, how just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Underline the word kind underline the word tenderhearted underline the word forgiving me since this is how relationships work.

Don't all of us want to have a relationship with the opposite sex work there kind to us and were kind to them don't want to be tenderhearted and in instead of having expectations and I thought they should wear. You really understand where they're coming from and where they've been and when they blow it or when we blow it. Don't have relationships where someone says I'm willing to forgive you for what you said. I'm willing to forgive you for what you've done the way God is forgiven me so now we get the command. The command in verse one is to walk in love. This is how relationships work so we can understand. So what's it mean to love whenever you understand the difference between sex and love. We can't define clearly so what's it mean to walk in love, well, positively it means to be getting caring sacrificial and unselfish toward others. Can we all agree on that mean you're loving when you care for someone right your your giving it cost you something. It sacrificial. We give a definition in our last time that love is giving another person what they need the most when they deserve it the least at great personal cost. So yes, we have feelings and we have emotions and their wonderful and they go up and they go down. But love is different from that love is a commitment. It's loyalty.

It's caring. It's getting it's paying the price.

It says I want what's best for you. Even if it's difficult for me and it says walk in love, no words. It's a process that means when you learn to walk what you fall down you can amass up the pieces therefore be imitators of God, you want to learn how to walk in love right above that word imitators member this word and my MIC mimic litter hazing would learn the walking level just just mimic God as it dearly or deeply love child and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and he gives us his example of he gave himself up for us in offering sacrifice is God fragrant aroma and so you just have those characteristics that make relationships deep and wonderful and good now is to do is something that if if I didn't know this passage I would not what were you to read next have anything to do with love, but is writing to a society that's just inundated with with sex everywhere and is watching it destroy relationships is destroying the relationships of the teenagers in Ephesus as they grow up in this world it's destroying the relationships of people that are married is love and sex get confused and mean can you imagine being a woman in that day in you know your husband leaves and you've given them to children.

They bear his name and yours in the Negroes have sex with this person and sex with that person, and Ennis just expected. Pretty soon you feel used and abused. So the apostle Paul had a safe real love is giving caring sacrificial and being unselfish toward other people. That's the positive you now is going to say. Let me show you the opposite of walking in love. This is not walking in love verse one into positive. Verse three and for the negative silicate negatively.

It's too refused to take exploit, cheapen, fraud, or substitute sexual activity for genuine love and authentic intimacy. No words, the opposite of loving is taking lusting exploiting to cheapen means to defraud. I get what I want sexually. I don't care about you.

I'm gonna satisfy me. It's substituting sexual activity. Yes when when people have sex and bodies come together, there's this this intimacy. This bond that occurs with you know the person or not. The Scripture would say that even when a man has sex with a prostitute, he becomes one with her God designed sex to bond you to that person.

It helps sustain the relationship over hard times but he says that when you rip it apart and rip it apart rip apart creates pieces in baggage and pain. If people feel rejected and used and exploited in cheapen and so now he gives us a command, but one command was walk in love now notice this command. Verse three but do not let immorality or impurity or greed even be named among you, as is proper among the saints.

He goes on to say, and no filthiness or silly talk of course jesting, but rather the giving of thanks so he says walk in love, but by contrast, let me tell you what's not loving. Let's just walk through these words very, very carefully. If you have the pain might jot down he's going to start he's going to say but let no immorality.

Write the word porn above that the Greek word is pouring the cornea is the most general word for sexual immorality in the New Testament cornea would include adultery. It's having sex when you're married with someone other than your mate fornication.

That's when you're not married, having sex with someone else. Homosexuality that's having sex with someone of the same sex sexual addiction. Multiple other perversions. It is in thought, word or deed, anything other than one man one woman in a monogamous relationship to express love to one another. He says is cornea.

In any case, you wanted is collect the lens that's the big picture and then the lens tightens and gives no let me clarify what this really includes let no immorality or notice any impurity.

This is a word that has the idea of any sexual indulgence at the cost of another you log on to porn sites and this is what it does to marriage.

You flirt with this person at work.

This is what it does your marriage you flirt and act like and fondle another person and excite them sexually but can't fulfill it in a righteous way. Anything any impurity and then finally goes on, or greed in the context here is sexual we think of greed about money. This is about sexual greed. This is about satisfying your lust you done any research about sexual addictions are there. Just like drug addictions you when you start inducing do drugs and been around the world. Lots of people have done drugs and notice all tell you know when I started. All I needed was I took a little hitman I got a buzz. It was crazy, but that same little hit overtime didn't give me the same bus. I did take more different drugs and I kept going going going going the same is true for sexual addictions. The reason gets more and more and more dark and perverted and weird is because the same chemicals in your brain that bring pleasure, you need a bigger and bigger hit. So what he's saying is that it is not loving to be immoral. It's not loving to use people.

It's not loving. Whether it's in your mind or words this first section is all immoral sexual perverted behavior. It's not loving that's his point at and unless we think is just sort of in a lifestyle. I'm just doing have good feelings were living together goes on to say what no filthiness or silly talk. Of course, jesting.

He moves from behavior to your speech and your attitudes. Filthiness has to do with obscenities or unit of course joking, it's that the dirty talk. The dirty joke of the course jesting the innuendo you've ever been around people that are looking for acceptance. Specially comics if you ever in a watch, maybe Comedy Central and there someone there you know have some really good clean jokes. It's hard to find but there's a few when a comic late-night person or some of the most famous comics are stuck in a crowd is not responding. What are they always do work and you always get a laugh sexual innuendo mean in some comics that that's all it is is prohibited by the way.

So often people thought about this over God's approved and he doesn't want to do these things. Here's the contact in an in and out those things reduce your capacity.

They cheapen things they destroy things sex is over here in love and commitment you not words.

Most of us would be pretty upset if we saw a beautiful meadow great stream salmon wonderful trees absolutely pristine and someone pulled a big truck into it and it had poison in it and just started pouring it into the stream and then took three loads of garbage and and then they drove off, you'd be ticked off when you you destroying something beautiful. That's the apostle Paul's point is that this this is about restrictions. This is you don't understand what love is mixed in together so often.

Relationships are talking about love. It's it's self-indulgent, it's all about you.

It's using it's exploiting you live together and then you move out and what she can do over half the women to get divorced live under the poverty level. Pulsing love means you really are committed and you care so sexual morality violates that and that's what he says don't settle for second-best listing department chips message. Love and sex. Why knowing the difference makes all the difference from his series, love, sex, and lasting relationships in these messages strictures the kid to truth about romance sex the way God designed it and true love because we long to love and be loved. This series will help you discover God's way to make a good match grow in intimacy and build a love that lasts a lifetime for a limited time, resources for love, sex, and lasting relationships are discounted. The MP3s are always free to order your copy or to send it to a friend visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org or tap special offers on the app for additional information. Just give us a call at triple late. 333-6003 will chip you know we get new listeners to Living on the Edge all the time and for their sake. Could you take just a second and give us the short version of what Living on the Edge does and why we do it sure Dave at Living on the Edge we do three things for three groups for one purpose, one we teach God's word to as many people as possible through radio, TV, small-group resources, online tools like our ab Facebook and in partnerships internationally all around the world. Second, we train Christians go deeper with teaching resources and small group studies and three we developed tools for leaders for pastors and business leaders to help them impact their worlds and beyond. We do all these things for one purpose to help Christians live like Christians. Here's my question. If you were impacted today by the ministry of Living on the Edge. Would you be willing to partner with us.

We can't do this without the support of partners like you and as you do. We will change lives will spread God's truth around the world and we will help Christians live like Christians. Here's my question.

Would you join us. Thanks to all of partnering with Living on the Edge is an idea that makes sense to you. We'd love to have you join us. Open Christians live like Christians will change the world we live in now to donate just go to LivingontheEdge.org Donate on the app or give us a call at triple late. 333-6003, let me thank you in advance for whatever the Lord leads you to do will chip in your teaching today.

You said that if we don't know the difference between love and sex were doomed in our relationships and in our sexuality, health doomed is a pretty serious word I would you go over that one more time, I be glad to Dave. Here's what I have now witnessed and seen. It really is the story of what I shared in the teaching. My heart breaks when I see when people who love God. When people that are really good people. When people have all the natural desires and whether you're a twentysomething, a 30 something of 40 something or a looking for a relationship again 60 something we had these desires to be sexually intimate but I would remind people of the stories when there's confusion between love and sex about Lauren who thought you know if I don't give in sexually.

I'm gonna lose my boyfriend and then what happened you think about Mike who honestly believed why you know we really love each other so the Bible's gotta be okay with this, and yet it produced disaster in their relationship or the story about the young 17-year-old that just wanted to get sex out of the way in found herself as a young Christian mom in her 30s with a distaste for sex in her marriage. When we violate God's design and I'm speaking to the Christian community here I'm speaking to those of you that would say authentically I'm a follower of Christ, but I'm currently living with someone.

I'm currently having sex with someone and were not married. What I want you to know is, it will not work is that you're actually damaging your relationship and what I want you to know is that God's heart is not in any way to be prudish. He wants the best I often say as of counsel people over the years. Do you want to live with second-rate sex. The fact is that without the covenant without the absolute commitment what you know is that person can walk out of your life and they're gonna take a piece of your soul because when two people have sex. The two become one. So here's both my comfort and my challenge my comfort at this very moment God longs to forgive you for you to come to him and say, oh Lord, I'm sorry I violated your design would you forgive me will talk in our next broadcast about it a game plan and how you can be sexually pure, but then I want to say to those of you who can't have said in a something I know what's right. I'm just not going to do it be fairy very careful God's grace when presumed. Upon can produce disastrous consequences. He loves you but he want you to know that when you violate what is true knowingly and perpetually.

There are consequences and he longs to prevent those he's your father obey him. Let me encourage you to make the decision today to be sexually pure difficult yes I'm popular absolutely.

But God's blessing and your future demand sexual purity will be glad you did it on easy way to share chips messages is with the chip and remap with just a couple of taps any message you choose is on its way to your friend, someone in your family or on social media to help others who could benefit from the truth of Scripture and its encouragement. And don't forget to include a quick note about how it made a difference in your life will be with us again next time when chip continues his series, love, sex, and lasting relationships still live a Dave Drewry saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge