Love Sex and Lasting Relationships - How to Know if You're in Love, Part 1

One thing we all long for is to love and to be loved, but how do you know if you really in love.

You can make some of the biggest decisions in your entire life believing that you really love someone, but there's a big difference between love and infatuation and I will tell you most people don't know the difference learned today that difference statement welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Living on the Edge features the Bible to Chip Ingram on this daily discipleship program. Through this trip just said knowing the difference between love and infatuation can save you "apart so today will explore how to really know if you're in love. Just before we get started, let me encourage you to try using chips, message notes, chips, detailed outline of his talk today putting a great test to help you know the relationship. His love. Infatuation chips, message notes are quick download under the broadcasts tab LivingontheEdge.org or fill in notes on the Bible had the opener down to Ephesians chapter 5. Let's join Chip Belfour's message. How to know if you're in love.

Got a question for you. How do you know I mean really know if you're in love. I mean if you meet someone feeling start to come. How do you know when you're in love when your dating is getting more and more serious. How do you know for sure. And then when you married and time in years, and some things go by how you know if you're still in love will love is a tricky business, and falling in love is even trickier. The ancients talked about falling in love and they compared it to going insane is true. One American author says of falling in love is the taking over of the rational and the lucid mind by delusion and self-destruction. You lose yourself you have no power over yourself and you can't even think straight. Nietzsche even weighed in on what it means to fall in love and this is his objective view of people who fall in love. Love is a state in which a man or a woman sees things most widely different from how they really are and then finally a relationship experts Les and Leslie Parrott right as a counsel thousands of students. Indeed, steamy starts, do not promote our best thinking intense emotions often block us from taking a careful an objective look at ourselves. The person that were dating in the relationship that were forming together question I ask you is if we have this insatiable internal God-given drive to passionately find the right person to connect with them at every level, spiritual, emotional, and physical and then we wanted to last and be great forever.

Why is it when we fall in love.

We make some of the poorest decisions that produce some of those dysfunctional relationships and pain in all of her life so you really need to understand if you're really in love to do that with an answer to questions and they're going to go on a quick little journey. Question number one is you can never know if you're in love unless you define clearly what love is. We use love for I love pizza I love the NFL.

I love God and I love you and I'm not sure about that but that can't all mean the same thing.

So we've got to define what love really is the second thing we need to do is we need to understand what's the difference tween love and infatuation will define both of those. If you are wrong. If you don't understand if you're confused for your urine for real pain.

And so we can take actually a little test where you can know whether you are in love or whether you're just infatuated and then I want to take the last portion of our time and I'll just talk about how you nurture love me whether your you know, not in a relationship with your dating and pretty serious or whether you're married, you nurture the love that God wants in every area of your life. Question number one. Let's ask and answer. So what is love will use one very general word in English. There's about four and Greek. I want to deal with three of them three very different definitions of love and Greek three different words. The first kind of love is called Eros love.

This is a need based love. It's a physical attraction. This love is necessary for a marriage to succeed. However, marriage cannot be sustained by Eros love alone.

Can anyone think of an English word that remotely might come out of this Greek word, Eros erotic. That's right, we set it out loud in church. Okay God wants married couples to have erotic love to be passionate for one another physically.

In fact, I'd ask if you will to follow along as I read Proverbs chapter 5 verses 15 through 19. It's a may be PG-13 passage but so often we in Christian circles, not talked about sex the way God views it, and because of that we have all these hangups, the wisest person who's ever live. Solomon wrote drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow into the streets in your streams of water to the public square is talk about your sexuality pieces let them be for yours alone speaking about your wife or husband never be too should be shared with the stranger and then speaking to the man he says, may your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

A loving ~graceful dear may her breasts satisfy you always may you ever be captivated by her love depending on the text that you're using that word captivated. It's literally intoxicated. It's these wild passionate feelings that we had that God's given us bitter one component part of love that really matter, but it usually starts on the front end of relationships and less it's nurtured pretty soon people think it's unimportant. It's a critical part of a loving marriage second aspect because Eros does not keep love alive.

If you think about building a fire that Eros is, like the paper and the little twigs can help a little gasoline and it flames up quickly and gets hot. Very quickly, but it doesn't keep you warm is not sustainable. The second type of love is for Leo. Love.

This is friendship love the Bible uses the word companionship several times to describe the marriage relationship for lightly oil love is a reciprocal or sharing love of activities, home, hobbies, games, objects in common fellowship. We get our word with the city in America. The city of brotherly love its fellow Adelphia right Romans chapter 12 describes authentic community and authentic community has to do with the Leo or best friends type of love Eros. Love is you are passionate lovers with your life mate for Lila love means you become best friends in Romans 12 says let love be sincere. A poor what is evil, be devoted to one another in brotherly love give preference to one another in honor not lagging behind in diligence fervor and insert spirit, serving the Lord goes on to talk about unit rejoicing in hope, and persevering in prayer is talking about all these kind of relationships where your devoted loyal friends, caring. This is grinding out life together. This is doing the bills together, but it's also taking walks and playing a board game that this is seen walking around the mall when you really don't want to walk around the mall but you do this is watching a ballgame in your thinking. I hate ballgames but my husband's into this. This is putting some popcorn on and watching an old movie and cuddling up close together becoming best friends love has an Eros component.

It has a full Leo component but also has an agape component.

This love is a giving love. This can be unilateral and that one loves, even when the other doesn't respond as expected. It's a self giving and meeting the real needs of the other person but the purpose of helping that person become better, more mature, godly individual agape love takes the initiative. It energizes the other two kinds of love and agape love is characterized in first Corinthians chapter 13 patient. It's kind doesn't envy doesn't boast not proud.

It's not rude is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, notice the word always, always trusts, it always hopes, it always perseveres. See you can't give a supernatural love to another person unless you get it from God and agape love is giving that other person what they need the most. When they deserve it the least at great personal cost and say that's it's it's a choice it's a commitment it's it's understanding interrelationship.

It my wife needs the Leo love, but there is the NBA All-Star came on and I haven't checked my email and I got all this business stuff in my mind, but I need to stop and shoes to meet that need. It's a woman sang my husband need some Eros love but I'm really tired it's been a really rough day and the last thing I feel like doing is being affectionate little and making love.

There's a little moment that happens in the couples relationship where, oh God, I don't have, in and of me what I need to give to this person and honestly the way they treated me lightly. I don't want to give it to them, but I want to honor and love you and I wanted shoes to love and as I choose, will you give me power and that is what produces this amazing relationship, but you gotta understand what love is. Three types a relationship that really works needs all three talk about how to nurture each one in just a minute, second question, we need to ask and answer is what's the difference between love and infatuation. What we said love biblically is three different things, but the fundamental aspect of love is.

It's a commitment.

It's a choice. Infatuation is a strong, passionate feeling that comes through chemistry. In fact, I have a quote from Dr. Michael Leibowitz from the New York State psychiatric Institute and they done research that shows when passionate attraction occurs, a chemical substance called Fino at the mine is released in the brain causing feelings of elation and excitement along with a physical sensation, such as lightheadedness bets that tingling feeling and a sense of being short of breath. So what you need understand is when you're infatuated when you're attracted when those things start bubbling inside your head in your body.

This isn't just you know you having an illusion. It's real it's chemical it's physical and it produces these amazing good feelings. It also produces as we talked earlier about a drop of 30 to 40 points in your IQ and when you're infatuated.

I mean, you got you get these new glasses and this is where Nietzsche says you get these new glasses and you start perceiving things and life and people and priorities as far from reality as you ever do in your life. Now there's a right time in a right way and infatuation and this chemicals her gift from God use need to know when to use and why and where, so here's what to do about 12 questions for you to walk through and find out whether you're in love or infatuated, and it is you're sitting there, you might just go down through when I go through and put a I or an L now if you're dating someone really seriously. Right now I suggest that you do not do that in writing. I suggest you maybe on your finger's cup keno but for those of us that are married.

I like you to think about how my viewing the relationship when I see the difference between love and infatuated MI and love. Ask yourself what's the application in our relationship. So you ready go test number one is the test of time. Love grows all growth requires time. By contrast, infatuation may come suddenly the feelings I just explode. You don't have to know the person you can bump into person your Bible study or a coffee shop you go to a meeting. It happens at work. Someone has sort of a bright colored, something that they're wearing. He looks really handsome. The light shines through at all the sudden he's chemical start real love takes time. Infatuation can just like drop on you like second test. Closely related is a test of knowledge love grows out of an appraisal of all the known characteristics of the other person know the words to love someone, you need to know one.

Who are they, what are their values were they like where they come from. What matters to them what their or their priorities in life. What's their vision where they headed, how they treat other people another's to love someone, you have to know them.

By contrast, infatuation may arise from an acquaintance with only a few, or one of these characteristics and you can know almost nothing about someone that guy I sure little earlier when my roommate from college. He came and said I am in love. I said how that's great. What's your name. I don't know. I don't know nobody's. He's had an infatuation chemicals go often is my doesn't mean it's bad is just not love third test is a test of focus. Love is other person centered is outgoing results in sharing when you love someone, here's the shift. How do I help them how I encourage them. What do they need what's can make this relationship work out. I create time and space and structure and resources and energy and finances to help this person.

That's love. By contrast, when you're infatuated you get very self focused know some of you will have to go back a few years and others are living right in the middle this and you maybe have a roommate or you have a close friend and someone has just met someone and you that during the what I call it the God God man is so cool you so you so here's a few so strong when he turns his head. His chin is like this. It's just amazing to scope us over for oregano men habit women have it so goes like this new roommate goes you I'm going to go to work today because he works. Working three cubicles over and what's what he thinks his trust is also good. And then she goes and changes it known. And what about this today 37 outfits wife to go to work and then you go into little meeting in a talking little meeting and you walk out of the meeting and the dog home. I want to get to know her. Why did I say that what was I thinking I bet she thinks I'm a nerd she think some of them, Jock, why do I say stupid stuff arm around her. Where's the focus self self self. Me me me when that's the focus infatuation before test is a test of singularity genuine love is centered on only one person and infatuated individual may be in love with two or more persons simultaneously know there are times that as a pastor you share illustrations and you try and be open and vulnerable in the sum that you can only share better way back in the rearview mirror specially been married for over 30 years and I didn't know any of this when I was gonna growing spiritually, but I had made a commitment is walking very closely with Godden's, early 20s, and I thought it really look at that right person. I've been out of school for a year and I was on one campus teaching high school coaching a basketball team, and then doing a ministry on the weekends and there was a girl but three hours away.

Another school that we were good friends but II thought something might develop other master plan. This Christian team and so guy smaller United States and we played in every country all throughout South America and so I'm thinking to myself I really think I have feelings for this girl and she's the right kind of girl.

And nothing's official but that sort of in my mind and my heart in the first stop is the Dominican Republic and we play a game and then there's a girl there who's on a short-term missions trip and you the chemicals went off in my brain and so we went on a picnic. The next day and I can still remember you know the red and white basket and there were some trees and is beautiful and significant Republican had a lower block and after one picnic of 2 1/2 hours.

I was like all my lands. Now I know I got put me on the street on the stain on me I'm gonna marry her. She's amazing.

She's beautiful we connect. She understands me like no one's ever understood me. After two hours and I'm telling all the guys on the team.

I am in love. This is amazing I'm in love and so you know unfortunately were to have them stay in contact long distance relationship because we go to the other countries in South America. We get to Quito Ecuador we get the Quito Ecuador. We played 33 games and we have a big meal and and there's a a missionary's daughter, and I'll be darn you know I fell in love again and we had a little break and we sat next and same table and we talk. We exchanged addresses and you have a window of time. We had a couple meals together and I just all my guys know what I do because I think it was the girl in West Virginia that is the girl Dominican republic, but now I really know who I'm in love and God is amazing. He's just he's filling my life and until he went to Chile and we got to Santiago till this is a true story and it's so embarrassing it's embarrassing. Now I am thinking this is awesome. You know, and so we get to Santiago, Chile, and the president of the Federation there and I came to think in all my travels that Chilean women were the most beautiful in the entire world and sitting across from the daughter of the present of the Federation and she's probably about my age says his dark eyes, unbelievable skin is dark long hair. She doesn't speak English, and all I can do is talk about food and you know don't do style bond your own little bit about the Lord, you know, and we sit across from each other for like an hour and 1/2 and I can't even talk to her but I find myself walking all afternoon the next day with her to the markets and we can't even communicate and I'm convinced she's the one. And now the guys on the team are just, I mean it's it's ruthless there just ragging on me in your love, your I didn't understand the difference between love infatuation and by the way it's it's a funny story. I mean it's funny now was confusing. Then we can I say that's not just when you're dating the genuine love is singular and see here's what happens is when you get married and then have some kids in the mission pressure than the some financial issues, or some health issues and that triangle of God. That's agape and Aris Leo and in parts of that isn't working too well. You need to understand that just because you're married infatuation doesn't stop the chemicals in your brain. Don't go all you're married were not set them off for you there just chemicals. There's just attraction so pretty soon you're married and is a difficult time right now and that difficult time. Some people don't look as pretty and so wonderful and he's gained a few pounds and pretty soon you go to work and someone is very responsive and there's just something about. There's a connection and you believe the Hollywood model. Maybe I have the wrong person. Maybe this is my right mate. I've fallen out of love. Now I'm falling in love that perspective will destroy two families and and at best it can last six weeks to 18 months and you can wake up and realize you are the dumbest person on the face of the earth. What you needed to do was realize what real love was realized in between love and infatuation back. I had a guy recently. Call me from afar. Another state is a very educated guy is a very committed Christian and he says I got a problem I can talk my pastor because I don't know how to handle it and begin to talk to a civil what's the deal man. He said that there's someone at work and would not done anything were not involved physically at all, but I mean all that stuff you talk about going on inside your head. Now, for I just acted like it wasn't happening. I found myself wanting to be around this with this woman at work, I found myself talking to in a different way. I can sense that she's probably on the same page and I mean things are.

It's a difficult season at home. It chip. What I do. I took a deep breath and I said number one, it doesn't mean you're bad person.

It's pretty normal. Most people aren't dishonest about it and then let me give you Jesus advice on this and is the only way so great. What is it I said if your right hand causes you to send cut it off and if your eye causes you sent, poke it out, to which he said thanks and I said look you.

You are on a collision course to destroy your life that infatuation. It's real, there's chemistry many talk about the relationship and the company what he would have to do. I said buddy I got news for you if you have to quit your job, or sell your company to be righteous and have a family intact five years from now it'll be the smallest sacrifice never made you see how important this is love. Infatuation is series, love, sex, and lasting relationships in these messages strictures the kid to truth about romance six the way God designed it and true love because we long to love and be loved. This series will help you discover God's way to make a good match grow in intimacy and build a love that lasts a lifetime for a limited time, resources for love, sex, and lasting relationships are discounted. The MP3s are always free to order your copy or to send it to a friend visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org or tap special offers on the app for additional information. Just give us a call a triple late. 333-6003 support you're describing in the series is so different from what we see in the movies and television about finding the right person or what's the best way to move this teaching from head knowledge to convictions that actually change your behavior will Dave what I've seen because it's been out for over 10 years is when people go through the book something dynamic changes I've had lots of people communicate with me right me, tell me, email me about the content of these messages and what they tell me as I went through the book with the person that I was dating I went to the book with my fiancé and then they tell stories about how God radically radically change their relationship. Can you be more specific. I've actually had some people say I went through this and it made me see I'm not in love at all. I'm just infatuated. This book is available right now. It's an easy to read and it answers the kind of questions. How do you know if you're really in love.

What's the prerequisite for a great relationship and that how do you find that right kind of person. I think this is one of most important things that a single person can do right now is have a game plan from God about love, sex, and lasting relationships look at a plan that moves our intentions into action like strip over a limited time. All the series resources are discounted, including the book. It's our desire to get this resource into the hands of as many people as possible so we hope you'll take advantage of the discounts today.

Maybe have a copy for yourself to read with your kids or grandkids and maybe want to give to a parent you know you could use a little help getting the conversation started with their kids for all the details, visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org tap special offers on the app or give us a call a triple late. 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003 well here. Strip with this application. Today I want to help you ask and answer the question, am I really in love in the first part is definitional right. I covered that Eros love that's that sexual passionate attraction.

We talked about for Leo love that's that friendship that family love and we talked about agape love. That's that supernatural unconditional love. Were you just love the other person with no expectation in return and that requires a supernatural work of God inside of you. Now let me share a few delicate things and why it's important if you want your relationship to work and I want to speak to married couples. Okay, very specifically to married couples. You have to base your relationship on agape love because you parry to a fallen person right your husband can't come through for you all the time and your wife can come through for you all the time but let me just get down to the nitty-gritty about how life works in ladies I'm going to be very direct. Please don't be offended but some of you ladies you feel like all your husband thinks about is sex between a man and a woman. We all have different desires, but the average man.

There's certain exceptions, with the average man feels deeply loved by physical intimacy and some of you women are thinking and this what's with it. What doesn't he get because that's not how you experience love necessarily in the deepest way. So to be able to have agape love and understand this is how my husband's wired he's not where he's not abnormal now guys have got something to say to you, your wife feels deeply loved.

Certainly when you have intimate moments together but the background of her feeling love is much more around the Leo love. It's a long walk. It's talking about the kids it's helping them in the homework it's watching you empty the trash without being asked.

It's okay can I help out around the house that you thinking ahead, it's you. Being sensitive and caring and making her feel cherished and I gotta tell you when it's 930 or 10 or wherever you go to bed and you as a husband, wondering you know my wife is not affectionate. She looks so beautiful and you have these ideas and you can't figure out why she has a headache. It's because you haven't cherished her agape love is giving another person what they need the most when they deserve it the least great personal cost. So here's your assignment.

I mean we all want our marriages to be better, more spark, more love, more encouragement, more because that's all right. Men, here's your job love your wife for the next three days with the Leo love just choose to do it.

I don't care you don't fix anything. Just care, listen, take initiative be available in ladies love your husbands with some Eros love and what you experience is you being an instrument of God to love unconditionally, in a way that makes sense to your mate and you know when one person in a relationship changes, it changes the relationship just before we close. I want to say thanks to those who make this program possible through your generous financial support. Your gifts help us create programs purchase airtime and develop additional resources to help Christians live like Christians.

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Tap the donate button or donate online at http://livingontheedge.org. Your support is greatly appreciated will be sure to join us next time. When Chip continues a series, love, sex, and lasting relationships Tobin this is Dave Drury saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge