Effective Parenting in a Defective World - How To Discipline Your Child Effectively, Part 2

I got a question for you. What are the top two discipline issues you face with your kids drink me right now. I mean if you had to list two things that make you crazy and discipline your kids what are they gotta okay today I'm here to help you learn how to address those tuitions stay with thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with shipping Living on the Edge features the Bible did you get your bedroom on this international discipleship program early in this program ship wraps up a series of effective parenting in a defective world to jump right in. But before we do.

I hope to do a quick download of chips message notes for this one. You can get so many great ideas also help you not listen to find a better LivingontheEdge.org under the broadcast staff at listeners just have to fill in notes now your strip with part two of his message how to discipline your child effectively.if you would first John chapter 2 verses wanted to just call it what you do is get this principle, the apostles writing to this young church since I've written to you my dear children in order. You might not sin. But if you do send going, they will. We have an advocate, Jesus Christ the righteous.

We have an advocate with the father advocate just means we have a lawyer we have someone pleading our case we have an advocate, Jesus Christ the righteous, and he is the propitiation for our sin. Propitiation is on those really big biblical word that means he absorbed the just wrath of God and then goes on to say, but not only for us believers, but for the whole world now. Theologically, there are some people who say I don't want the free gift all take the punishment. I don't want the free gift. I don't want what Christ is done and God says I will be done.

You doesn't force it on anyone but if you can understand. That's how your heavenly father deals with you, he doesn't punish you. He's not down on you that's been covered. It's been a tone for his heart's desire now discipline may get more and more and more severe. If you don't listen and you may have to cause a discipline for kids to be more more more severe until gets their attention, but it comes from a different heart doesn't make sense. The reason why you have a lot of conflict and you feel bad you feel guilty and kids withdrawal and they rebel is they need to know and feel your love even when you're discipline and could you not punishing them is not to pay you back. It's not out of anger, not been $64,000 question is how well what do we learn how does God do it through consistent consequences actions and clear instruction, and so I want to go over those two things and to be some very practical tools about how to do that with your kids consistent consequences go something like this. Proverbs 1324, says he who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently think that if you spare the rod, consistent action not talk you hate your child why could you God says if you loved him you would give him what he needs is that what he wants. He goes on to say folly is bound up in the heart of a child every kids like this, but the rod of discipline action will drive it far from him. Now I'm going to do something, and this will be can I just go on record real quickly here we please lean back, take a nice deep breath for the next five minutes I will be as radically politically incorrect of anything you've heard in the last 30 days, maybe more. I'm going to describe what the rod is on you to strive what it means when biblical quote spanking. I will give you some research on that when I get done about from psychologist the American psychological Association that will instruct you very clearly about the nonnegative impacts when done publicly, but you are living in a world where many of your kids do not obey and have arguments in his timeout and there's this there's that God has provided a way especially if you start young to help your children obey and learn obedience. The gets down to their soul. This very helpful. Now you can totally choose to say that's not a practice that will be good for me. All I'm saying is we are so afraid to talk about this. We have parents out on islands struggling with their children and and by and large, creating huge psychological damage because of the yelling and screaming and all the things happen that your kids are getting Tsonga to tell you what the biblical rod or spanking looks like you evaluate here the research than you can do whatever God leads you to do number one whenever you feel like this is important you give them a clear warning.

A child should never be pulled out of the booth and you never use your hand. By the way it should never be when is this coming like might not see crazy parent out of the blue is blowing up in anger they need to know about a like those small little windows.

This isn't for every little offense. This is when you draw a line in the sand in your son or your daughter steps up and goes no I'm not doing that. But what starts early, so there are times when it's really clear. Do not do not do this.

There's been a clear warning and your concern because you know if they do it though, get hurt.

There's great damage and you say if that happens again.

I want you to know when you're really testing. Who is the boss that this is going to be the consequence is a clear warning. Second, you establish responsibility, so I'll give you a real life example I have many of them that this is just one. My kids were in that 5 to 67 age group.

They had friends. The parents were about three doors down of the sun was at our house all the time.

This is not exaggeration. He'd been through three or four marriages. She'd been through three. They had both alcohol and drug problems they had. You know a mixed group which I really understood, of all different ages. The older boys had people over drugs, alcohol, violence, and I told my voice Michael can come over here any time you can be a part of our family.

He can eat you parents are gone.

All during the day can never go in that house meet weekly made friends were actually the mom dad both came to Christ about three years later and but what I mean, you know, just like you're in the bars like this and this is like this. I'm coming in. Everything went on in and so of course this audit how God works.

As were driving by and can I watch my kids come out of the house and so clear warning okay look, do you understand if I catch you going over to that house again.

You will get a spanking eye contact. Do you get back. Yes well enough to days later same thing they do it so here's I did not.

When I caught them.

The second time they know it's can happen begin to get a spanking. Of course my anger, yes, but I get under control.

I did not ask them why did you do that you ever hear yourself saying, why did you do that why you go with those friends. Why you do that, I told you not to why why why did you take the commission why why why why because are sinners like you why you mess up stupid stuff.

Why do you lie your center help anything like it when a shaman why why why what's wrong with you what you expect in your center well. I was born in Adam, and I think you know I've inherited sin and I've not yet understood the propitiation of Christ and I'm really not up on the site creation process, and because of that I'm not renewing my mind the level that allows me to you kid me. But here's important what did you do wrong why just you know the other kids were doing and I just know know know know what did you do wrong. Well, I didn't mean to do it and it was Jason.

He wanted to go and I wanted stuff, what did you I went in the house you told me not to what we call that disobedience you kids got messy. I see parents and all the stuff at the kid does this he could go telling your sorry about what I'm sorry. I guess it's over but you wanted to teach. What did they do wrong. Third, avoid embarrassment.

Don't ever do this publicly. Don't do it on the living room.

This is this is a private moment, either in your bedroom.

Their bedroom away from the crowd for communicate.

Grief six. This is why wanted to teach you the theology of discipline instead of punishment.

In other words, you're not an out-of-control parent.

Now many times of told my kids you can't believe how angry at. I am right now. Here's here's the core my anger.

I feel so betrayed. I love you. I trust you. We hang out we do all kind of things when I tell you something and you tell me something, I'm your dad for you and when it and you what it's not all bad conduct is not bad at all.

But if they see you, well upper see a tear in your eye you broke my heart.

Sin is not primarily about behavior.

People sin is not in your kids outcomes or not they do this they don't do that. They do this to come out okay. Sin is always primarily a relational issue.

You want them to learn.

They betrayed your trust. They broke your heart because what you want them to learn later, and what you need to understand when you lie and when you cheat you log on, or when you are tempted to do things. This is about how close can I get to some line you break in your father's heart you betrayed your lunch either one is someone the one who has your best is you want to communicate genuine grief because you want to be a relational issue and then I brought my little you know from about you have to choose, but somewhere around two or three or somewhere they get old enough for the know to draw a line in the sand and you never this this is what this is for loving touching, caring, praying, and nurturing this this never ever strike your child anywhere on their body for any reason. Well have to do right now you know this is a rod's a little wooden spoon is extraordinarily effective animal.

I want to show you how to do it.

I'm not joking with you exhausting people they get angry, you never do that every human being, especially children, have something here's called adipose tissue's fancy waitressing fat, here's your goal reflect the risk. This will produce an amazing level of sting, it does absolutely no damage you want to hurt it produces in kids up through about depending on their size and ability up there about 10 years older. Somewhere in there, it produces a level of owe that to happen again. Which is what you want and its immediate and then you want them to experience sincere repentance. The earlier you start the better is when my kids were in a four, five, and you know even older, we would go through this process and and when they're crying now and I would usually usually sit on the floor and I have on my lap and their cry just let him cry. I want to come. I want to know I'm here my arms around you. You did what was wrong. You owned up to it. This is what happens on for you, but you have cried, God's presence kind God's presence of them really stupid or sinful things. David cried in God's presence and then they cried for a while and the cutting it calm down and in sincere repentance as it will.

Are you ready to talk to God when they were small. I coached them so they learned how. So what is Cesar got a bad person know you not a bad person son you know that person your special God loves you what did you do owe the host okay once you took God. Sorry forgot about God through ideas married with you telling your sorry sorry God is or someone else, you need to apologize to you. Yeah that's right okay honey I forgive you my arms around him and I teach. Lord I thank you that when ever we break your heart by doing what's wrong like it's a mark on the chalkboard and the moment we come from our heart and ask you to forgive us absolutely erase us a man and then we get up together and I usually tried to do something very positive. Let's go play horse or I wanted to know you not rejected. That's that's biblical spanking. That's the rod.

But what's happened in our day that interesting article by a psychologist in Chicago is called the killer narcissist and I won't read it, but the essence of the article is why do we have wanton killings in schools and the politically correct answer is because of these desperate underprivileged homes and all the difficult things are going through. And then what she does.

She goes well actually if you look at Littleton.

If you look at to what happened in Pennsylvania and she goes through all the different ones, and none of them fit profile it's upwardly mobile white suburbs largely affluent kids whose parents have given them everything she says.

What happens is the movement of a narcissist to a radical killer is very small in the teenage years, and when you raise kids who think the whole world revolves around them and they don't get they way they feel very hurt because they don't get the esteemed entitlement and life works for me and it creates rage and all the kids she goes through her parents, educated, gave him everything were producing narcissist. Every kid that needed trophy every kid doesn't need to know that the whole world revolves around them. We don't go out to eat where our kids want.

We don't make decisions right off all our kids all the time what you create as they in expectation that the world revolves around them and they can find out. The world doesn't and when they do really bad things happen to complete lack of discipline, but it takes being a jerk sometimes what I can tell you is when you start very early. This is one now. If a timeout works great. This works great, but this is a biblical way to help your children and here's the difference. The difference is when it's done. It's not it's not 30 minutes. I told you stand up to sit down okay a 10 minute timeout you're grounded for three days, five days you're grounded until Jesus comes. And then you and I hang out in coffee shops and you get a couple high schoolers come in after school backpacks and the earphones that has Gomez go pretty good with those of the man I'm grounded all bonhomie and this is coming up hello how they say two weeks but I figured you kids are really good students, the proms, and I'm getting this this, how could you do that, don't you trust me you're being so hard on me.

You don't really get it on the other friends and they go to church and their parents let them do this. We have a generation of non-your parents and you keep the peace and you will feel the pain and cut says I love you too much and I want you to love your kids too much to let that happen. Lady wrote me and I don't know whether it was a small curvature of the book. She was a recently shied away from spanking even though every other discipline for my 70 does not work have been exhausted with the confrontations and the drama associated with even the minor things in life. This message was the kick in the pants I needed to do what's right before God. Thank you.

This morning's attitude was the same as normal. We had fights he would do his schoolwork.

He was argumentative just disrespectful and disobedient is clearly challenging my authority so I breathed a helpful prayer. I asked him to come upstairs away from little brother.

I picked up the spoon along the way anyhow. The bottom line, no pun intended to quick stings.

Later he was sobbing and repent in my arms and apologizing. I held him and then he said this mama I'm sure glad they make wooden spoons. The rest of the day has been peaceful.

We prayed together, no arguments, no disobedience.

Thanks for the reminder that I need the courage to discipline seen what you kids the conscious needs cleansed you kids need to have a clean moment of you know if it's ongoing you shaming them.

Now I'm not saying that everyone should do this and is not for every I'm expecting like there's a level of common sense in this room, but you need to figure out when they challenge her authority and they crossed the line. You need to really think about what you do and if possibly these verses in Proverbs may be as true as all the other verses in Proverbs that we claim, but these just happened to be unpopular actions is one thing but then words clear instructions or reproof I give you those two little Hebrew words out of Proverbs and the second one had to do with very specific words, and so for ways to use words to bring about correction about what you we always start with words that you just clarification. I didn't. I rarely spent my kids. I really had to. But if that is a clear expectation and they know that when you say this or say that you actually mean it.

You know, a lot of times it's son and he looks it is time to go all Texas Eric you what that means.

Consequences are coming to him. He gets up, but it but there's never a line.

Your words don't mean much. So number one say no firmly say no firmly.

Here's what I see happen. And by the way, everything I'm get a share in all these illustrations like all I do that I can't believe it will what word you think I get them. This is this is our failures parents over the years okay and so this is like and I'm all exaggerate just make a quick point. You know your daughter says can I do sleep over with these three girls and Cameron watch this movie. Things really can be great parents can be home whenever things are to be okay and immediately know the three girls just got a Jew via its triple X rated movie houses aren't there, and both parents are drug addicts and is not exaggerating enough and inside your thinking absolutely not right you know inside no way. And here's your response.

All honey I don't know it just that doesn't really sound like a good and what I hear there's a window right. Come on, mom. Don't you really trust me, coming ever was and I never get to do anything and I love Jesus and committing is my chance to really help them come on Mount NNN and it is like well honey, no, no I don't. I just really don't think so. Your words are saying one thing, what you tone voice and there's a window so now it's I can't believe it. You don't trust me and I got drama saying what you mean. Say it clearly say it firmly.

And if you don't mean it, then don't say it so same situation.

She says that course you fill it in and you stop and if you're not sure you say you know what I need to pray about that.

And if you're not a single parent than you think when you talk with your father. This is a big decision to let you know later, but if it's an absolute one. What you say is that I hear you right absolutely not. But mom and then you give them the this look if you have worked on this. This means all you are on dangerous ground, but mom and you go you look means there is no more discussion and you what they except say no firmly never go over to friends houses and they come to your house and the kids really like each other in the really having fun so they like running around and going nuts and going crazy and you do stuff like this because you're with your friends and hates kids. Kids get stuck suffering through your sovereigns are.

You don't mean it at all, so they run out run out and pay how things going for Susan they come through again. Toys, okay, I told you guys will stop in your do not run through the living room I were talking you don't mean it at all three minutes… You become it right and pretty soon, like the number four time you do something like this and embarrasses you for a blanket I say I said stop right now and you realize, I'm embarrassing myself and this is not really good moment.

See say what you mean.

If you don't pay stop.

I know you guys haven't seen each other and you really like each other. You can go outside right now. Run all you want to listen if you run through here again seven minute timeout and then I contact.

Do you understand now what they're going to run through one more time correct.

So your game face comes on and stop, and it takes time. You sit them down and hopefully the seven that works say no firmly second clear warning of consequences. I try to model that let them know the kids are kids B kids, but warned them. This is going to happen if you don't do this or that right given a clear warning to get there.

Don't make it clear what troubles stop them look him in the eye third use contracts.

You know that they they don't do the chores that are disrespectful, they won't do their homework to hang out with the wrong people, but beat up their brother sister right. It's like they're not responsible. They won't do this like four or five major things that any kid messes up with and what happens you can to these wars all the time. Stop the wars when you're not upset when it's not having done something wrong. It's like you have a good time if it's after meal you got for coax, whatever you do, and then you coming saying something we've been battling one another.

I love you too much. I member sitting down. This is just no fun. I mean, I love you your so fun to be around that we keep arguing about. You don't do your scope school worker. You know my one son is keeping up your brother every time we leave in the hole in the wall. This is not really good. True story. Hand them and so I said okay let's just list the things that are problem on the left side and then you I've tried everything I it's not working so here's a column that says consequences that are negative, you tell me if you do this, what negative consequence would really help you abate what would help you learn and then by the way, here's the next column. Positive consequence like if you really like obeyed in that area for X amount of time what would be a good programming.

What would you say hey man that's worth okay and we just went through the 45 things and I had him write it down and out nonmembers, but is not grounded from basketball practice were to write them down. Of course not. But like any time you do this, they test you like there like you like Adam and Eve do not do this okay right part of the human condition, and so of course he wrote them down. I wrote them down as a contract.

He does it.

Miss Basco practice and you can't do this to me at work all summer. I lifted weights. I practice FLSA. The first team to start next Friday night if I missed these two practices I will start good you do this to me now under call son. This is not I'm not doing anything. This the contract that we made and I signed it here. You signed it there and you know something. I'm so bummed out. I was so forward-looking to you Stardust. What's your hard work and I'm so sad that this this is this is your contract begin to own your responsibility to see the difference.

So you get get out of this arguing drama and I had a lady come up with three boys of the most wonderful boys, but she gave me her top three problems are popular for everyone sit down, write a contract with the men and they were like you have teenagers and one younger one do that but to sit down and use contracts finally use consequences have known that have someone say you can't believe my daughters completely out of control. She doesn't come in at night to drinking. I know there's marijuana we found.

She's dating a boy that is totally outside the bounds. She's 15 years old. We don't know what they do a better counseling is what do I do and I'm not the greatest counselor at all. That's why I don't do much of it and you will think I'm joking.

I'm not but here's my response-all your powerless.

What can I do a civil like this. She drive it all and 15/16 she did you buy the car no source of who pays for the gas we do patient insurance. We do all while Shiva phone yeah who pays for that we do all this and I just went through us or answer questions so your your powerless she did she did she have an outside job to eat food your house and she rent the room. I said excuse me, you hold all the cards and eliminate the drama there's one or two very clear boundaries.

The next time this happens. By the way, fact the car is gone.

This is gone will start with this one and you just begin to develop advice of love and and you be the parent and not by the way, I got to the point with one of my sons where I did all that some of your thinking will they might just opt out like I got were 17 1/2 years old tears down my face and tears on his face. I wish you were a Christian dad I don't I don't know rules, you can't tell me anything I said and don't do this unless you prayed it through got good counsel from a counselor and probably a pastor and thought through but you know you've tried everything and I member sitting from the car from my house that you're destroying our marriage you're destroying our home is 17 1/2 years old. If you're man enough now to get a job find a place to live and figure out what you can do for food than than I can teach you so you got 48 hours. You can either cut you have to believe anything I believe you don't but I will say this either you come and have a good attitude and stop ruining our family or you find a place to live and I wasn't bluffing and he knew it as crying. Later he came back and he sitting that it wasn't all the discipline he said when when you and mom cried, I realized how precious and real Jesus is to you.

I went to my bedroom for 48 hours realize a lot of it was just my pure rebellion part of it was you push my buttons that I Fisher's is a God really spoke to me.

He came out of the room and I was just I was waiting for this second shoe to drop. You know like he was a manipulator like rebellious kids are very smart and then we watched a complete change. I want to get parents hope your God. God can do anything to the three songs we sang this kid wrote the sun all over the world. But my prayer wasn't like her wasn't that he writes on my prayers. Oh God, keeping out of the ditch. Oh God, help not do something so stupid that he's gonna ruin the rest of his life, but all I can do is set a boundary over here and say you know what in our house you can't treat people that way and overhear no matter what you do I'm gonna love you and is it hard it's excruciatingly hard all discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful bit after they've been trained by it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness on the back page of giving you a game plan is pretty self-explanatory to hear some falls to avoid.

We've all done these right. The screaming parent. They all talk, you know you have a good talker, nagging, nagging, nagging that's not working. I just put the abusive parent if you're striking your child or your out-of-control get help. The close look. Parent is just the passivity of you just think this is going to go away when you don't address stuff you keep your kids hard is telling him you don't care, and finally the lightbulb parent is you know your it's totally inconsistent.

You know your your you know this is really really matters on Monday. On Friday you don't care the game plan is just just simple then apply the top to behavior problems. Don't try and tackle everything just what it one of the top one or two things that are just making you crazy and making your kid crazy and honestly evaluate coming go back to the first page and ask yourself honestly.

Which one of those word Eileen, where do I need to address some issues. Many times my kids are disobeying what I realize was one of the blame them. The promise me. I was inconsistent.

I wasn't avoiding some of those pitfalls and then third to have a family conference.

You sit down. Often you started with.

You know something I have not been the data needed to be either inconsistent or I didn't do this, but I want to know. Here's the top two issues.

Here's the plan. Here's the consequences. I love you. This is how we move forward and then strap it on. They will test you, and you need to win and then finally sit down and set some goals together and ask God to work in a powerful way.

He will there's hope you're listening to Living on the Edge chips message how to discipline your child effectively is from his series effective parenting in a defective world. If you or someone you know was in the thick of parenting or grandparenting right now. This series offers practical biblical insight to start applying today with all the craziness going on a little sanity, especially for such an important job is parroting will go a long way. Don't miss out on the limited time discounts on all the resources for effective parenting in a defective world, including the book and the small group video study, you'll find all the details and LivingontheEdge.org.

You also find them by tapping special offers on the app by giving us a call at AAA 333-6003. That's 88833360031 chip during this series, you strongly encourage parents or grandparents to connect with at least one other person so they got some support to keep going to help with the skills your teaching. We've got the small group video study. We also have your effective parenting book. Could you talk for a minute about that I be glad to date.

In fact, you know, I wrote my thesis at Dallas seminary.

As a young father had the privilege of adopting these two little boys and what I knew was I had no idea how to be a parent and so this book really is about effective parenting in a defective world how to help your kids swim upstream and whether your kids are two or 20.

It's a principal base book very, very biblical, but another was what's the goal what's the goal, is it to make your kids happy or is it cooperating with God. So you really learn how to make them holy. How do you discipline your kids in ways that are practical and not overbearing that where you really teach them to obey and you don't yell you don't scream. You don't have to sit for five times. There is very practical ways to really help parents learn to help their kids reach the potential that God has for them in so often.

I think we missed the point in parenting because we had this fear that were going to mess up and so we parent how to fear instead of out of faith and the other thing is is I don't think we understand the way that God has designed our children in the way that he wants us to cooperate with what he's doing to develop them in the kind of character and in the coming gifts that he's given them to fulfill the purpose that he has for them and I would say that being an effective parent is first and foremost getting on your mind and your heart. What does God want to see happen to my child and how do I cooperate with that because what you then have is the favor of God and the power of God in the direction of God in and through your child's life.

And so I would just encourage you whether you're leading a group and want to have a better resource work with you happen to be a reader instead of the listener.

What I like about books as I underline things and I can go back to them where it might even be something where you know summer there's a lot of you know times were people really thinking about. I want to be a good parent or I want to give something to one of my sons or daughters that would encourage them to raise their kids in a way that would really honor God and what I can tell you is, would bring great joy. Years later and so it's proven it's tested it's it's what God says about how to be a parent to love your child set boundaries and help them become all he wants him to become so what, that's a book I hope you get it great. Well we know it's made a difference for so many now is your opportunity to take advantage of the current disc out and get the book for yourself or someone you know effective parroting in a defective world will find it LivingontheEdge.org when you tap special offers on the app or just give us a call at AAA 333-6003 and that's AAA 333-6003 will just before we close. I want to thank each of you who's making this program possible through your generous giving 100% of your gifts are going directly to the ministry to help Christians really live like Christians. A few phone chips teaching to be helpful, but you're not yet on the team. Would you consider doing that today to donate. Just go to LivingontheEdge.org tap donate on the app or give us a call at AAA 83336003 and let me thank you in advance for whatever the Lord leads you to do well.

Until next time for everyone here. This is Dave Drewry saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge