Effective Parenting in a Defective World - How To Discipline Your Child Effectively, Part 1

When ever I teach on parenting. Can you guess what topic is the most passport you got it disciplined that parent saying how in the world can I get my kid to mind without losing mine discipline is one of those tricky areas. Some people are too hard some people to soft. God has a plan and I want to share with you today. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with shipping Living on the Edges of international discipleship ministry in the Bible to its nature, tackles the subject. Every parent wants to know more about what I do when my kid won't obey.

What are some positive dues and for sure adults. My child from the bad guy to get super practical.

So get your notes in here is with part one of his message how to discipline your child effective. You know when you get around the table and you start talking with brothers and sisters. If you've grown up poor. In my case I have grown kids talk about, you know, in my case, how I discipline them. It is a lot of laughs. I mean you really do laugh at the crazy things you did as a parent and then you find out all the crazy things your kids did that you didn't know about, but I will tell you when you're in the midst of disciplining and raising your kids didn't funny at all. The biggest heartbreaks in the biggest heart aches I've ever had. My life was over issues with my kids and feeling like a failure. Feeling like I didn't know what to do or being paralyzed by fear some choices.

I saw the making the biggest arguments I've ever had in my marriage were around.

How should discipline our kids.

We have one person that tends to be overly strict and one that tends to be overly passive and meeting in the middle is hard to talk about how to effectively discipline your kids and I'm not sure there's anything more important for the sake of your children than that if you pull out your notes. I want to give you two case studies to get us going.

Case study number one is called the Rubin Hill, Minnesota report it was an empirical study with thousands of teenagers over a period of time to determine what kind of parenting styles produce what kind of children we all have a parenting style in order to do this, they created a X and Y axis. You know, horizontal axis and a vertical axis.

The X axis of the horizontal axis from zero, 200 zero being very low on discipline or control.

100 being very high on control the wider vertical axis. The zero at the bottom would be unloving on affirming, literally giving nothing to your kids, and that 100 would be maybe over the top.

Loving you and this is the parent that kisses their children, 72 times walks out the door. Those I knew it should've been 73, before they go to bed and so what that produces is for very clear quadrants of a parenting style in each of these quadrants produce in general a very predictable kind of response from kids quadrant number one. I called the permissive parent. These are parents that are very fearful they don't want to disappoint their kids. They parent in such a way that they're so afraid they're going to maybe damage their children psyche or there fearful of that what they will be ejected, rejected, and that the result is children with low self-esteem and inferiority parents who, for all the right motives are very permissive create kids don't like themselves very well and that are very insecure. The second quadrant are those that are very low on discipline and then also low on love. This is like the worst of all cases.

This is the neglectful parent.

There preoccupied with business or work or TV or social activities, or church or more often, they find themselves in an addiction or in a very nasty divorce and and basically through multiple circumstances there very unloving and very permissive, and there's no boundaries. There's no affirmation and most of these kids find themselves in a counseling room somewhere trying to work through the very painful issues of I didn't matter.

I wasn't love.

I was an strange, they have no relationship with her parents. They basically Lee live a life that says I never want to be like my parents and how could anyone let alone God love me because my parents did quadrant number three is the authoritarian parent. This is the parent that ends up with eight fighting lifestyle with their child. This is sort of the Nazi parent. This is the person that is low on love, but very high control and so it's sort of like these parents. They don't just win the wars they win every single battle. This is at the at the table when you mildly roll your eyes so you roll your eyes don't you do that fewer bugs will tell if you go to your room right now you can clean up your plate and I you like the kids are like, I can never measure up the bar so high. The intensity is always up. They get the structure but they don't feel the love and there's not an atmosphere you're accepted, even when you blow it.

These kids very predictably rebel. They sorta have the silent little meter inside that goes. I can't wait to get out of this house and my superhigh control. Parents will not control me later. The fourth quadrant in the study was the authoritative parents they had a fellow shipping style. Interestingly, they were very high and control.

These were strict parents but they were very high in love. They communicated to the kids.

You matter that behavior is unacceptable. The boundaries are clear.

The rules are very clear. But it was a fun fellow shipping, encouraging highly invested in it produces kids with high self-image.

Great coping skills and a good relationship with her parents with lots of ups and downs along the way. So if you could choose one style of parenting, which one would you like to be notice at the bottom.

This balanced authoritative hi love, and high on discipline produced children with high self-esteem. Excellent coping skills in a positive relationship with her parents. Some of you may have not been around for the very first message but we said the kids have two primary needs significance and security. We said that the way they feel significant is when we love them. We affirm them we treat them as special. We value them regardless of their behavior. We said the way they experience security is reset very clear boundaries and were consistent in enforcing. Isn't it interesting when someone does a sociological study. Over time, with thousands of parents and teenagers. They find what produces great kids with great coping skills with high self-esteem that make their own decisions are parents that are high on love and high on discipline.

Now I'd like before we go on because most of us would like to sort of drift and think what you I'm pretty much for right know no one wants to be neglectful, but what I'd like you to do is I'm going to guess that you have tendencies okay what you're probably all force. But what I'd like to do is think if you err on the side of being a little too permissive, or being a little too strict which would be just so that you can listen for what God may want to speak to you turn the page. If you will study number two is right from the Bible any time from Scripture, we have God parenting us as his spiritual children and giving us clear guidelines about what discipline is, why it matters and how to do it, we ought to pay attention.

The book of Hebrews is written during a time of persecution is written to a mixed group of Christians and non-Christians and under the persecution and difficulty, although they started well were obeying God will right now it's getting kinda tough in their drifting lot like our kids do right they know what's right to do, but they're not doing it. And so God brings.

I call it the velvet vice of discipline he brings consequences in their life to get their attention to get them back on the right path for the right reason. Follow along as I read this case study was written about A.D. 66 or 70 is written to Jewish Christians in a mixed audience in the introduction is in your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood and you have you forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons never did is difficult. You haven't been martyred yet. It's really hard in the knees." Proverbs chapter 3, my son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline and do not lose heart. When he rebuked you because the Lord disciplines those he loves and he chastens every one he accepts as a son and now he gives the instruction endure hardship as discipline. God is treating you sons and others don't chafe against the difficult circumstances in your life except this is God's discipline for what son is not disciplined by his father.

If you not disciplined, and everyone who undergoes discipline. It's true then you're an illegitimate child and not true sons. Moreover, we've all had human fathers who discipline this and we respected them for how much more should we submit to the father of her spirits, and live in. Then he gets just an illustration that would, they would all, lean back and say well that's true, are our human fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best. But God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness, God disciplines us for our good, that we might share in his holiness is a clear target on the wall was to make us like a son wants to make us like Christ wants to make us whole was to bring out the best in our life and through her life and then he gives a sort of a summary axiomatic principal about discipline, no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by circle the word trained subprocess when God is a part of disciplining your life uses adversity and difficulty in health issues and financial issues and circumstances in stock market drops. He uses things that you can't control but he's your heavenly father and he wants to use those things to to discipline or align your life so that you get the very best. I would ask you to do one thing on your notes if you will up work on the top where it says my son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline would you put a line right through discipline and write the word action. It's interesting word. It's yes are and we translate the word discipline and that he uses the same word in English discipline rebuke, but this word is action. God uses certain actions to bring about desired behavior later on he says he rebuked you that's a different Hebrew word it's just okay and and this is word so I just want to put were action and words is what you get to see is all through the Old Testament all through the wisdom literature hears what God's plan is discipline isn't like just painful things you go through. Discipline is the process by which God uses actions or consequences, along with very specific words and instructions to bring about the very best not want to spend most of our time in the practical side of this is so let me just walk through what I think is a summary of this passage and then the points of the passage so we can get to okay how we practice it because I think disciplined for many is like a dirty word is like all hard work. We have a picture of you know someone doing terrible things to little people to make them obey. This is the biblical view of discipline its teaching obedience to God and his word. How through consistent consequences actions and clear instructions. Words in an atmosphere of love okay you look at it.

I'm gonna read it again. I want you to get this is discipline, regardless what your parents did regards to what the media says regardless of what you've heard, whatever emotional baggage discipline is teaching obedience to God. Why in his word, so your kids get the very best. How do you do it through consistent actions through clear instruction in an atmosphere of love and so will why the necessity of discipline is to deter destruction on disciplined children on discipline children of God. They destroy themselves.

And I mean we watch kids we incarcerate more children in this country than any country in the world. We have more people in prisons than anyplace in the world. We have a culture in America that is very undisciplined.

That doesn't respect authority and you know what if you don't discipline your kids just lock on someone will someday write how many of our kids have you know they were really struggling and they went to the military and what happened, structure, discipline, expectations, and I hated it like I've never had anyone go Boot Camp.

I went in the Marines boot camp was awesome what they tell you I hated and what they tell you I'm a man I own my own responsibility I get up on time. I clean my own boots like I watch my brother he's got my back. I got his back were a team.

This is an about me right sometimes is not military.

Sometimes it's juvenile hall later to prison and you know the recidivism.

The reason why so many people after they're in prison.

They never learn discipline.

It provides structure I've had a lot of inmates tell me I'm scared to death. I almost don't want to come out because I know how to live here, you eat at this time you do this. The structure is consequences when I get out I don't how to do that and I just find myself with the wrong people doing the same thing repeating the same behavior.

About 70% or more of all people to come out of prison, go right back.

So were talking about a pretty serious topic you want your kids to have self discipline to learn to say no to short-term attraction and endure short-term pain to get long-term gain.

Secondly, the means of discipline are actions and words already to learn about is for your kids is a parent or grandparent what actions or consequences and what words to use to align them to keep them on the right path. Third, the motive of discipline is not to punish or make them feel bad. It's to express love, what, what's the whole passage, endure hardship, God is treating you as sons if he doesn't discipline you. Your illegitimate uniting in love. I didn't want my feces and for some graduate work I did and I had to do all the studies and I was just shocked because a lot of them came out of you know interviews with juvenile delinquents and all the studies.

These are juvenile billings exhibits. These are people that are incarcerated and they ask on survey after survey. How did you know you your parents loved you, or didn't love you and among the top two responses among June ugly once were. When my parents discipline.

The I knew they love me and you, what, when I didn't let them give her a fitting care, not your kids are never irritated by the way the kids in a bucket. Why can I do that I want to do everything I want but that they desperately long in their soul for that security that consistency but so is to express love. The goal of discipline is to teach obedience, it's not just to make him a happy camper.

You want them to learn to obey to submit an end. By the way, the whole idea of submission is usually if you want to do it is not submitting it's learning to do what you really don't want to do, by faith, thinking this is really better for me and don't they learn that sports you know what it's it's August and were going to do to a days coach.

I love to run line drills. I love doing to a days work in a bus but must it must why because they're learning to endure the pain now. So for the fourth quarter later for you.

They donate they want to be a musician and I want to play like this and the piano teacher goes to the scale did I know how to do skills.

I want to get to the fund. If you don't discipline yourself and do scales so you can do it backwards and forward. You can write short-term pain. Going into training so that something happens. A bit later for the good, the higher good. The result of discipline is you and Phyllis when engaging short-term pain that produces long-term gain.

To give you a physical picture of this and and I want you to think with me because this is hard. Okay, can we just go into this like this is really really hard when you make your kids through words and consequences to what they don't want to do when there were little they do things like this and on about you when my kids do that to me. I feel like a terrible parent when they get older they do this when I get a little bit older. They slam the door you don't love me.

Why don't you trust me and everything in you wants to give them what they want instead of what they need because it rings initial piece for the moment, so most of us are willing to trade short-term peace for long-term pain. But what a parent does and what God does is he teaches us to endure short-term pain to get long-term gain that you can have to do this in their social relationships. You have to do this and what they watch you have to do this with their friendships. You have to do it in their spiritual development. Yet to do in their physical development but it's kind of hard to see something to give you a picture just in the very simple physical realm to consider.

All I get it. It makes sense, and then I'll have a little application for you might my dad was a really good athlete and so part of learning. Every sport was sort of what he taught me when something broke you pick up the phone as a repair man because that was his idea of anything he can fix anything and that genetic gift was passed on to me, but my dad could shoot a basketball. He goes on a football scholarship.

He won the state of Virginia in Golden gloves.

He was just an amazing athlete and so I learned all this kind of stuff and I became a Christian and I had this amazing opportunity McNary this great woman and I got to adopt these two little boys and I had no idea how to be a good dad and I was so conscious about being a good dad and we had devotional times. I'm reading a Bible stories and you know that I got about, you know, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11 years under my belt it there in sixth grade and these two older boys are ready to go to junior high and I felt like you know I'm struggling but I'm trying to be a good dad and and and so I we were down on the floor something is hey guys hey Jason Eric I doing push-ups can you doing Jason was sort of it that little sorted chubby season that you have sometimes about 12 years old and he could do one and Eric was thinner like center he could do three and I thought meant memorized interview member what junior high was like what junior high locker rooms were like. Number your first shower junior high number when you did sports in junior high and all the sudden this picture was in the worst father in the whole world to go to junior high to get killed get massacred that I've been so concerned about their spiritual development. The relational development. I mean I been asleep on the job. So being the loving, kind, zealous father who always has a great process who brings things into being solo why I said to them guys tomorrow morning we can address this 6 AM dad what you kid me yeah what will do push-ups and sit ups every morning next three months and I mean you they did more than roll the right you could really get that give me a break at and you know this was not like hey, here's an idea what he think guys there was I'll see you at 6 AM. Such alarms all dad so they get up now and okay you guys the scope the subject okay okay okay looks on and so you know, like after week you know he's he's up to three and he's up the five and three weeks later he's got 20 nose got 10. Two months later the ripping off 4053 months later there watching their bodies change. Four months later, they are to garage sale find a bar and a benchpress five months later there in the garage pumping iron they look like different boys and they walk in the junior high as men prepared for what they can have to face.

Now here's what you need to know their dad's a jerk and I and you know you sometimes they whisper Cherokees adjourned to Eric and he believed his minutes of coming. It was is a very loud whisper, to which they got guys started I was a complete jerk every morning hold their feet push-ups which have been set up set up I did with him me ask you question you willing to be a jerk. My one son who is a little chubby one. He really struggled a lot areas but that became his outlet, a member later when he got older and he said that you want to go lift with me. Sure is that expression like two 8300 and then she returned at the tick off all the weights and Carol help you know any ended up with a broken hand.

I think he won the CCL and wrestling. It was where all these deep issues and issues in his heart he was trying to figure out.

Listen carefully you need to be willing to be a jerk and say you can't date that boy. You can't date that girl you can't go to that movie. I love you too much know were not going to play three different sports and have our whole family and a minivan every night because everyone else gets to know this is what will you do. Yes, I what were going to sit around the table and you can roll your eyes as much as you want and eat together and I want to hear what's going on. You don't have to have your heart in it working to join hands were to pray for one another and you caused them to have some short-term pain because you're the parent and what you know is it doesn't matter whether they like you or slam the door or roll their eyes today. You want them. 10 years later, looking back and saying thanks mom thanks dad why we have coaches that help us do things we would never do on our own because they care and want to develop the best we have developed a society that you want to be your kids, little buddy. And you never want to feel rejected and it's all about keeping the peace. Instead of making peace.

They have plenty of friends and plenty of buddies be willing to be a jerk for a season if need be to give them what they need instead of what they want to make sense. Now the question is how do we do that and as we do that, there's one theological issue of got to share with you. It's the difference between punishment and discipline and this is make this brief is very very critical. You know the difference tween punishment and discipline punishments focus is to inflict the penalty for an offense punishment as this past misdeed is the focus the attitude from the parent is often hostility, frustration, and the result is fear and guilt, and so they took the car when you said not to.

And I got little bump in it or that you put behind your back, I told you to do that.

What's wrong with you you loser you didn't do your homework. This is what right skews the outburst, but that that's not it's not new to a lot of you got all build up you make him pay. You will except that often you let it build up for long time. You have these explosions for many of you coming bedtime constantly. Homework constantly fighting with one another constantly.

It's chaos in your house and then pretty soon and you lay down the law that you feel guilty as a parent discipline. By contrast, is training for correction, for maturity. That's the purpose. The focus is future correct acts and attitude his love and concern on the part of the parent and the result your child a security seat, you know. Often we say go to your room if you are angry you never discipline out of anger you have to go to your room first and you may need to set on the bed and have your timeout to say God I am so livid. It doesn't mean you have emotions does mean you don't share time so livid. I mean this is metaphorical.

Of course, learned her neck. I can't believe that they violated my trust did that they did the sums and here's where you go and father. I understand the God, the second person of the Trinity took on human flesh in the form of a baby by virgin and lived a perfect life and then you laid your life out on the cross and you became our sin offering our propitiation is the word and all the sins of all people were placed on the sun and he absorbed them and you're just anger and punishment and wrath because you hate sin was poured on Christ and that's why he said my God, my God, why have you forsaken him our sins and the judgment of God was put on Jesus and then in that payment he died and rose the third day for 40 days walked upon the earth 500 eyewitnesses.

He sitting at the right hand. God never punishes his children. God never punishes you he disciplined you.

God's never mad at you all of his anger for all time and all people was placed on Christ and so when you do things that you know are wrong and you feel guilty and you hurt people. God's motive and purpose is to realign your life to give you the best is motive and purpose is to care for you is hardest to express his love.

Now those consequences may be severe when you're really disobedient and they look like the same thing punishment coming. But the heart and the purpose is different.

You get that be right back with his application quickly though the message you just heard is from his series effective parenting in a defective world.

Raising kids is a challenge. No doubt appears in the culture exert constant pressure on them and you in this series chip helps you see how God's principles for raising children still work today the series is packed with practical advice and gives you a larger vision for your child's future insensible help for what you're facing right now for limited time all the resources for effective parenting are discounted, including the book and the small group video study. Check out the details@livingontheedge.org Special offers on the app or give us a call at triple late. 333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or chip helping parents guide and discipline in a way that honors God is such a passion of yours. But it's also a heavy burden on your heart for listeners who share that burden and are concerned about kids and the real battle with parents face in our culture, is there a way they can help you. It really only about 2% of all the people that listen to partner with us financially in any way. I think sometimes is because they just don't think what I could do would make a difference but I just want to encourage some of you that feel like you know hey you know what God's really using this my life but I'm just not in a position maybe you could do something really small. But God could take your small gift into something really big with it. So thanks so much and appreciate anything. God leads you to do with you been watching all that's happening in the news wondering what you can do. Maybe helping us reach more moms and dads, grandmas and grandpas with the biblical principles of wise parenting would be the perfect way to help. It doesn't have to be a lot but a small monthly commitment would be a tangible way to make a difference if you're inspired to join us.

We'd love to have you on the team to send a gift or to set up a recurring donation.

Just call us at triple late.

333-6003 or go to LivingontheEdge.org app listeners tap the donate button and let me thank you in advance for doing whatever God leads you to do all that wraps us for this program. I hope you'll join us again next time she continues his series effective parenting in a defective world to live for everyone here.

This is Dave thanks for listening to this additional living on the