Effective Parenting in a Defective World - How to Develop Your Child's Full Potential, Part 1

We all have dreams for children but did you know that God has a dream for your child that is higher and more amazing than anything that you could ever imagine. The question is how to cooperate with God so that his dream becomes a reality in your child's life.

That's today on the statement welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge ship and group survival teacher of this international discipleship program and I think you continues a series of effective parenting effective pricing.

There is one primary thing. Every child needs to learn little help fulfill that dream just mentioned, with all the challenges of their getting clear on that single responsibility could make your life as a parable, forcing is always to be with us after teaching with some additional coaching should stay with us for that. Now with his message how to develop your child's full potential. Here's chip when I was a young dad.

I remember have four children and I remember at times coming home late from a meeting or maybe being out of town and house is quiet and better a small little house with real tiny bedrooms were all 123 and that ours was over here and I could turn off the bat after all the lights except the bathroom light and get just enough light and I've been out inside surrogates and see my little girl there, you know, little girls when they sleep look like angels in my my youngest son he looks like he and the covers have been doing battle, you know. And then that the twins were in the last bedroom and sometimes when you're really sort of keyed up you not really quite ready go to bed and I go out, sit in a chair and turn on the light and I would just think, oh God, what's their future and I would have this terrifying thought, and what part are we as parents supposed to play what, what's my role to help them become all that you want them to be. I know you have a dream for vector words as I hasn't seen her ear heard, or entered into the heart of man, all the good that you have stored up for those that love you and in the years went by and all my kids got older and older and I would have the light on. I would sit in the chair and I'd be ready go to bed and they were all out right. You know the teenagers are out doing their thing and they decided to elect 930 or 10. What he wanted tonight ones are away in college and and I had that same terrifying thought it was just a different one like old man, I get a sophomore in high school I got a senior I got to in college but am I supposed to do. How do I cooperate with you. Does anyone here ever share those kind of fears and feelings and forwarding to talk about how to cooperate with God to develop your child's full potential. God does have a dream. He has a plan's got a plan for all the world, but he has a plan for every one of your children and mine. You open your notes ready to look at five specific keys and I just want to warn you. We have been inundated with thoughts and culture about what we to do his parents because we care and we want to raise our kids well. But what you're about to hear is God's agenda and often it's counter to what a lot of is been told and for those of us like myself that I grew up as a Christian I never open the Bible, what God has to say about being a parent was really different than what I experienced, or what I heard so we can sort of do a top line picture of what that is and then we get to go on a journey together and I would just tell you on the front and you'll probably need some other parents and some other support to actually do what we can talk about but if you do. God really does have a great plan for your kids key number one is that you must understand your child's to primary needs are for significance and security.

The little human being.

Whether it's a brand-new baby a two-year-old, a 12-year-old 22-year-old, a 32-year-old I have learned are still your kids and they still have the same two needs significance and security significances. Am I a somebody do I really matter security is am I safe and do I belong and so intrinsically.

Your children are always asking two questions. One, do you love me, basically by your body language by your actions by your words by what you do, but what you don't do do I belong do I matter.

Am I valued in my wanted am I accepted inside there always asking that question. The second question asking is where's the boundaries and that's like who's in charge. Is there someplace safe. The little hearts they have in the big hearts they have, you know, you tell any kid. Here's the line.

Don't cross that line. What you know in three minutes right because I got it mean you got it and you and what they need to know is there is boundaries and what that produces those boundaries when you're consistent about no you can't have your own selfish way produces security and safety and self-esteem. The perfect parent God when he created us as his children you notice in chapter 1 of Genesis. He said your significant your made in my image here's all that I have for you. I've created all this for you little walk in the garden with you. You matter your loved, accepted, and then in chapter 2, he said now here's the boundaries. All this is available at don't go there significance security. The second key to developing your child's full potential is you must recognize your child's primary responsibility is to learn obedience and just kind of leaned back because there's a huge implication that means your number one priority is apparent your number one priority is to teach your child to obey you number one priority is not to make them successful. You number one priority is not to make them happy.

Your number one priority is to teach them to obey you, and then later obey God.

There's only one verse in the Bible that I can find in all the New Testament speaks directly to children of putting your notes. Listen carefully. This is what God says to your son or your daughter children.

It is your Christian duty and underline this word to obey your parents will lie for this is the right thing to do than quoting one of the 10 Commandments. Respect your father and your mother is the first commandment that has a promise added to it. Notice why God wants your children to learn to obey you, and ultimately learn to obey him, so that all may go well with you and you may live long in the land. Obedience is the channel through which God's best plans get fulfilled for your son or your daughter definition I have of obedience here in your notes is obedience is teaching your child to come under the hearing of your voice. That's different and I just need to do what's right because you said so the word for obedience in the New Testament is a compound word who bow that means to be under an accrual that means to hear. You can see some cool guitars right acoustic guitars to see what God really wants your children here's obedience when you speak not yell not scream when you speak and you tell your child do this or don't do that.

They come under the hearing of your voice and they obey you not simply doing right but submitting to you out of a good attitude from the heart out of relationship. The first time you tell them something. Now I want to tell you is most of us parents don't take that very seriously. At least I didn't as early parent, but I had an experience that changed my view of obedience to me. It was like unitary kids to do this but down deep, you don't really expect him to do it, a lot of time, but in the disorder learn to live with it, Tresa and I were taking a walk with our family when they were small. My older sons were very small about five years overdue in the Leno walking on the sidewalks and there's a driveway here in a driveway here in my one son was adventuresome so he would know run ahead hi hi run ahead and that was okay but as we were coming. They were there were hedges and the hedges came like this and when you're five years old.

You're only this tall and hedge visits hi and I would sell my son, stop, stop, and he would look at me and wave and just keep running as anyone had any of your kids do that. Ever.

Right. Okay, not the here's the scary part is I think actually I think it's kind of cute things running pretty fast and is an old ex-jock say what he does not know, but is not funny at all, because now I see a truck coming out of the driveway going about 30 miles an hour picking up speed. Guess what, there's hedges, he can't see my little boy and so I say stop, and I'm just you know you see this coming. This is a direct collision and he laughs at me and he runs and he runs across and that car by noon I learned I learned that I did not take teaching my son obedience. He was not under the hearing of my voice and my lack of diligence almost cost him his life.

Parents listen really carefully.

If your son or daughter and by the way, the earlier the better. If they do not learn to come under the hearing of your voice and you are a parent that they can see how do you expect them to hear the voice of their heavenly father who they cannot see because it can be 14 years old and then you hear God's voice say don't get in that car and go with those kids and do that, you know that's wrong and someone is going to say them into something you want to come to this party had you know what, it doesn't hurt you try this at least once and then you hear God's voice and they're either going to learn because of their practice with you to know the safest, best, most significant and fulfilling place to ever be is under the voice of obeying your mother or father. And if they don't learn from you. The likelihood of them learning from the heavenly father is very slim so their number one job and it's hard this is really hard and we've all we all struggle here okay I member when I was trying to learn this and it took such effort. You know when you go to make some friends house you're all hanging out together and the kids especially when there is smaller you know like they dislike the ripping through the house and every tour in the house is out and things are complete mass and this is how most of us do it you with this other committee couple and you say we really need to go and that means were gonna stop in the kitchen talk little bit more enough to talk and read it near the door and talk a bit more but you tell the kids right right this. I've seen this so many times but know this is self confession.

Okay guys clean up his toys to get to go right now and you watch these two like five euros, but that very much mean they don't even budge because our kids are way better students of us aware of them. And so then you move from the kitchen to get near the door and you really do need to go okay guys not just come on Alice, go pick that stuff up to five-year-olds of new Legos or to put together you know you if we could read their minds like this means absolutely nothing in a couple minutes. We might have to go and then they hear this from one of us cannot tell you pick up those toys and get those toys up if you like it. Now the best of these people right now and the kid calmly looks at his friend goes, I think we're good to go. You know, a different picture and it takes such time as such diligence, but see that child has learned when you screen when you're upset when you act like that, there's probably consequences of the need to respond. The other option as you walk over to those kids that are 34567 depending on their personality and help off the charts. They are, and you get the little face. Can you look into their eyes.

Bobby Bobby were going to leave in two minutes. You can play for one more minute and then you pick up your toys. Bobby do you understand okay working to be right there I'm going to tell you in one minute to pick up the toys got it yet. You walk over here. Hey we really need to go get Bobby's time pick them up right now, especially if your father you use your father voice the deep voice the deep voice that says to them. This is not a warning. This is not an option. I mean it right now.

Your call. Your clothes are in your right mind and if he doesn't move consequences happen rapidly, and with that little boy little girl learns they learned that when you say going to the grocery store know we can't have that today they don't act like you know they're on dry. You see this in the grocery store right or are you know you know it target these toys. Another growing in the basket and parents are going. I'm so embarrassed because of this by teach your kids to obey your voice calmly with consequences with rewards with love and with tenderness, hard job takes a lot of time.

Most five-year-olds are running the world's why McDonald's markets to them where you want to call it a happy meal right. Third, you must remember that obedience is a developmental process.

Know what I mean by this is that children don't just learn to obey, just as they physically develop, just as they mentally develop and just as a more developed. You need to understand that there involved in a process just like their seasons. There's a way that a two-year-old, a four-year-old eight-year-old 11-year-old, a 13-year-old, a 15-year-old and a 22-year-old they think differently. Their bodies are different. The hormones are different. You need to understand that learning obedience is different at different stages, but this is our number one job because obedience is the channel through which God's biggest and best plans for your child are delivered but it might be well with them noticed the passage here, although he was a son, speaking of Jesus, he learned obedience from what he suffered perfect deity, but perfect humanity. He went to the normal process. Jesus had to learn to obey. If Jesus had to learn to obey think about our kids in the notice. A developmental process in Luke 252 Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and favor with men wisdom intellectual development, stature, physical development, favor with God. Spiritual development favor with men social development and so I put a little chart here. You'll notice it says spiritual formation and mental development literally its mental and moral development of my background before I went to seminary was in education and in psychology, sports, psychology and educational psychology and to how to how to kids learn and how do people learn and how they grow and the little chart you see is from a fellow named Lawrence Kohlberg who made his life study to examine how do little children at various stages grow out of their minds work so that they learn both mentally and morally is what I would suggest is when you don't understand how God has made children, we often do the very opposite of what they need and so notice the little chart here. When a child is zero to about four or five years of age. Notice on it. They just think, in concrete terms explanations about why you shouldn't do that and say you're sorry because of this, and you know these three passages and of the thanks of sanctification process is about this in these four verses in this lecture there four years old right wrong just information. They just need to know the rules what's right what's wrong as they get beyond that into the six, nine, 10, 11 a by the way, it's a very sliding scale because kids mature at different times, mentally, morally and spiritually, physically and and and you want to tie obedience to the who relationship this is right. This is wrong, but it's about a love relationship. I want you to do this. Out of respect for me. I want you to treat your brother like this because you care for him. When you disobey, or when you lie to me, nine, 10, 11-year-old Joe understand what it does to our relationship.

So obedience goes from simply what is right and what is wrong to who and so right that above that as they get older and for some as early as 11 for most people it's going to be in the early teens cancel somewhere between 11 to 14, 15, their developmental reasoning is happening in the canal thinking more abstract ways and so now you want to begin to not just say this is right.

This is wrong and out of relationship. The first is about the what the next is about the food. This is about the why. Why can't I go with my friends to that movie.

Why can't I do what everyone else is doing.

Why do we as a family have to do this, a very bad answer is because I said so that's why that frustrates kids they can reason now then understand this is the truth.

This is the what.

This is the food of the relationship with God and this is the why. Here's the damage it could do. This is the problem that would create and then finally when they get into somewhere between 16 to the very early 20s you really want them to have resolve what I mean by that is you want them to make their own decisions and you go from sort of in the early days you're the commander right. This is the way it is, then you turn from the commander to the to the instructor okay.

I care about you and then you go from the instructor to the to the coach.

This is why this and then you literally in the later years. You becoming a consultant and what you really want to do is learn to make the right decisions for the right reason in relationship to God and you and other people and that creates a very very different approach. This is outlined some of your look at me like, while these have huge implications. These have huge implications.

We ended up putting this in a book form called effective parenting. The defective world where I development a lot more because here's our tendency. Here's what we do when you're young parent you so want to do it right and you want your kids to turn out so right and we do things like this, you like a three-year-old and four-year-old are fighting or five-year-old can we get them together. Now you two need to say you're sorry. You need to confess your sins have you met memorized for someone I six accident him if we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. Okay then, here's what you know we have these long explanations.

Therefore there five years old were always enough. Do you have Jesus in your heart and the candle set I don't think there's room. There, he's very big in Newark all only thinking so we talk talk talk talk instead of behavior. Columnists reward consequences and then they get to be teenagers but were still fearful but were worn out. No. And so they say. You know I don't understand why you know the kids in his dad's evening to go to church doing their see in this movie and they can have a stay overnight in his parents are home but you should really trust me, and I don't understand you know he's only been the juvenile detention once and here he said he was sorry and why can I go and your answer is because I said so and on the long run. The dad and they slam the door and go to your room and you'll talk when they're small your kind. Your calm your under control. There's consequences there's behavior very short explanations older they get, and have all this questions he said while that is that's a great question you want.

Let's go grab coat Coker cup coffee, let's talk about it and you say okay let's you know.

And this is where is apparent to say you not been reading the Proverbs of Proverbs 1320 says that he dwells with Wiseman will be wise, but the companion of a fool suffer harm, and you know what you did you just hang around the wrong people. This is always what happens and I love you and your mom loves you and work for you and this is a boundary that I really can't budge on and I understand it, but this is the why behind now, they may may not go all dad, mom, thanks so much, I get it now you read about verse in the Bible.

I just really doing inside on a note but what will be treated like as an adult and have a reason and why when they get a little bit older, right and they want to do something and it's great down deep, you know, this is not the best thing okay this this is where you want to develop convictions and so often my kids universe 17 or late, 16, 17, and Ann are saying I really want to do this in your thinking. I do not feel good about this. I don't think it's a good idea but the worst that can happen is a fender bender. You know what I mean by that I mean you know no one's going to die. Probably not to be good and so instead of saying no. I often when I got to hear because I want them to get resolved. Let's take what you what. And then how members when they start looking me so I want you dues which would you just pray about this for 2448 hrs. What the weather. I can go on this thing with this group and I just wanted pray you asked God whether you think this is good and let's get together 2448 hrs. and you tell me how God's leading you in why you think it's a good idea. Now times they made the decision. I didn't think was very good but they processed it owned it. They did it, and sometimes it was a very good guess what they got the consequences. It went very good and other times I was actually surprised when I put the ball in the court. It was like I know you now looking to go. Do you see when you want to develop obedience.

You need understand the age of your child in the moral development because the goal the goals as they learn to obey from the heart. You and even more importantly then God will be right back with his application quickly though the message you just heard is from his series effective parenting. The defective world.

Raising kids is a challenge. No doubt appears in the culture exert constant pressure on them and you in this series chip helps you see how God's principles for raising children still work today the series is packed with practical advice and gives you a larger vision for your child's future insensible help for what you're facing right now for limited time all the resources for effective parenting are discounted, including the book and the small group video study. Check out the details that LivingontheEdge.org Special offers on the app or give us a call at triple late. 333-6003. That's 888-333-6003. Thanks Dave.

I want to take just a minute and let's do a little thinking and coaching in your we all have struggles his parents and I went through some material pretty quickly that I am very familiar with my background was in educational psychology in my undergraduate and graduate work and for me it's very clear that there's these very specific stages of how the mind is made and developed in and when they're very young.

It's concrete. And then there's preteens and teens and and later adults and and so what I think happens is we don't realize that our style of parenting and what we communicate, it really has to change so literally you're the commander in charge and all those early years right. I mean it's just yes no that's fire.

Don't touch.

I mean, you know you're just trying to lay down of the bedrock rules of life. That's all they can understand, and so they don't need these long explanations but then you need to shift to an instructor in your teaching them and then later you know before they get out of the house you want to move into that coaching and you want to give them more rope and you make decisions together. I mean, you're still the authority but you really want to equip them and then finally when you're in my stage of life and your kids are grown you're basically a consultant and you hope they ask for some thoughts. But here's the thing I want you to get right now, what season are you in with each of your children and what style are you using and if you're frustrated or if your child is frustrated I'm gonna encourage you to think maybe I'm trying to be a commander to an 18-year-old and it doesn't work. Or maybe I'm trying to be a a teacher and an instructor to a three-year-old and give him all these reasons that he or she can't understand. So let's get your teaching style aligned with the season and the way that God is major child you know I think about the great teaching that I got on parenting from some classic books and and from some professors and I just want to pause right now to realize in our world. There is so much out there that says this is what a parent ought to do or should do or not do, and I just want to thank those who have partnered with us financially that have allowed us to create the teaching not only on audio and video in small group and just pastors all over America will take these notes and teaching in their churches.

I just want to thank the people that have given financially so that we can create these resources. It just serves people and helps them become the kind of parents that they need to be.

There are few things better and our life that we get to do than to shape the future and the destiny of a child and when you give to Living on the Edge you have allowed us to create resources that cause that to happen in tens of thousands of families so thank you very much, if that mission resonates with you. We'd love to have you join us helping parents learn to lead in a way that honors God will change the world we live in a give a gift, or to set up a recurring donation, call us at triple late. 333-6003. The donate button or go to LivingontheEdge.org, let me thank you in advance for doing whatever God leads you to do as we wrap up I would let you know about an easy way to listen to our extended teaching podcast here chip any time on Amazon's Alexa echo and echo.just say Alexa open Living on the Edge you'll hear that these extended teaching anytime you want over all of us here, this is Dave Drewry saying thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge