Caregivers and Rest - Is It Possible?

This is the nation's number one program is a fear of the caregiver led 65 million Americans white male character vulnerable of summits of aging parent presumes a child with autism for some somebody with the trauma others have someone who just got a bad diagnosis and others are dealing with somebody with alcoholism or addiction, mental illness, whatever the chronic impairment there's always a caregiver to some caregivers are really up close and personal, and others are hanging back in the case of alcoholism and addiction. For example, you can't go into some of the places that added to that alcoholics go to go all you can do sometimes is just stand there and grief, hoping that they will hit bottom hard enough to ask for help and be able to find a path from their into recovery. But you gotta watch the carnage. How do you handle that.

What's going on with you who are caring for somebody with this long, persistent traumas and you just gotta watch the slow decline how you handle that these are issues that we delve into on this program and it's all about the heart of the caregiver that is usually a dumpster fire doesn't have to be. We can settle ourselves down.

We can journey through this a little calmer, a little healthier and dare I say it a little more joyfully but is not easy and you can't do it alone sobered ledge with over the caregiver.com. Hope for the caregiver.com. If you want to be a part of the program go out there is little forming fill out to Sydney and note whatever whatever is on your heart.

Whatever's anybody wants to call you from the program. We have been not doing the show live recently just simply because were getting through the surgery with my wife and now she is home, I'm happy to report and it's been a very difficult journey for she spent 10 weeks in Denver and and it's a what a marathon and I have you know it was kind of interesting because by journey now that she's home my journey as her caregiver gets exponentially harder and so Amanda can you balance out some of those things I gotta go back and read my own book have to listen to Mont podcast Mont Risch push because these are things that I easily can forget I have caregiver amnesia just like you have gospel image and to be reminded of the gospel every single day. How much you know more in my bedroom out of other things. If I have to be reminded of the gospel, but I do and I think that is the plight of us as human beings that we sometimes had to be reminded of the obvious.

We have to be reminded from people of of a certain credibility that will listen to because his caregiver sits it's hard to listen to other people when they come alongside you and and try to offer encouragement and comfort are whatever. But even if they don't have any kind of street grid in our mind sometimes will dismiss it and that's unfortunate.

This often to our detriment because they could be speaking great words to us, but it's hard to hear that from others who have not walked on this kind of journey. Or maybe I'm the only one maybe just me but disheartened for many years so that's what has been the driving force for much of what I do here on this program is because I know what it was like to long to hear somebody's beak about these things in a way that made sense to me from a place of experience and in life you just didn't want to say so that's that's why I do this program because I do speak fluent caregiver. It's not easy and and and people that will tell you that it is they haven't done long enough for the lab out of the things because none of this is easy, but here we are. So how do we do this when we do, how we go from here. I was think about this topic that I want to get into the day of rest and I'll tell you story years ago I had a and appendix that about ruptured and it was painful and I went to the hospital and the to appendix out okay with that. Well, during the surgery.

I about bled out.

Evidently the there's some kind of Nick they did when they were open. Appendix out the way they did that come surgery and it was pretty dicey there for me and then couple weeks later I developed a postop infection so I had to go back to the hospital with his unit was pretty sick and I got out there they usually took care of me did all the things he needed to do and I'm down in the. The mother the lower floors of this hospital were Gracie spent so much time you look at all the quarters and everything else just has so many surgeries at this hospital, then down there and I'm by myself in the room is quiet, no flowers, no cards, nothing is just very quiet and my pastor will do when the pastor floated claims. Larry love Larry still talk to him today. This is been some time ago and he said how you doing feeling kind of quiet and peaceful and you know how some people so you that you didn't. You can't rest at the hospital. You just can't get Iressa hospital while you're actually listening to the one God candidate knows it is a well area of trust the Lord with all this is been a challenge, but on resting interesting, just resting here and Larry looked at me very thoughtfully said well as your pastor, I gotta tell you a very moved to hear that you're resting in the Lord in this and trusting him with the added, but as your pastor, I'm concerned that you call this rest was laid there with a hole in my confession FF economic the hospital. He said you're calling this rest.

What is the rest of your life like that you call this rest, and he is point was not lost on me and we started a conversation that has continued to this day. What this rest look like for caregiver I work full-time I am the music minister little church where we go here and in Montana they asked me to do that and I Gracie's full-time caregiver. When do I get a day off. What does that look like what is a Sabbath risk. Usually we need to know what a Sabbath rest is I have no idea what it looks like 22 rest. I really do notifications like I've been to caregiver. Now I'm a 36 year so everywhere I go I'm still working and then I know I run my own business and run a company steady with hope. The nonprofit the grace that started that I have my own business to.

He died at what is rest look like to somebody like me really struggled with this firm for many years and I but we have open to thoughts that you might have flattened it because the baby some of you explore this in and come up with a better path that I have but I really don't know what rest is. I don't get a day off, but I do take our self and that's for me.

I get out here in Montana and I'll get out on the snowmobile in the wintertime and just go for a ride or ATVs in summer or get on the horse and go for a walk and think, such as that. It's hard for me to 22 rest but is there something else I'm missing not just physical rest but as their spiritual wrist that I'm missing will course, the answer is yes.

How do I rest spiritually and emotionally how to arrest mentally.

How to cool my brain off and just let you know. Churchill used to paint. If you do this, that of a big Churchill fan and read a lot of stuff and that he would paint just to cool his brain off one of the world, so I thought well, what I do and I go to the piano play that helps become a process things out there some other things I thought about okay this is how I rest in dial it down. It is hard to know these things that I'm curious how you doing, what do you do to wrist what is rest that look like to you, and I think this is something we as caregivers can explore together and figure out getting a quick break dispute arose money. This is hope for the caregiver will be right back. You know hope for the cure dispute arose that is BJ Thomas seen my all-time favorite songs you give me love what he gave me a prayer written by my dear friend Archie Jordan.

I had Archie on the program couple weeks ago. Hope you're able to hear it. If you want to hear still go out to our podcasts out there put all the interviews and so forth. We do on the program out on our podcast and please take advantage of this free podcast, and share it with some others that you know are struggling in don't know what to say to well you know what I do so send him some of veteran caregiver just to to talk through some things and spend some time with its flexes a free podcast, take a listen to what I was that so you gave me love. Nobody give your prayer and run it as I was in the hospital Gracie about month and 1/2 ago and I can't remember what the context was. She was in ICU at the top and she told Russ that I had to get take off my shoes and us to put on some slippers just to be there in the ICU. Just be comfortable and she said do you have the slippers that I gave you because it would give you some slippers for Christmas this year for whatever reach the touch. This lapse did do you gave me slippers when nobody gave me a pair I just I don't just pull that out of the air's home.

Ed Ed see, even in ICU.

She cut a chuckle that I got a Archie to tell of the he's an old man I would've never put you gave me slippers. I think it be a fair and so that's the kind of mind that I have some sorry about that. Welcome back to the show and we are thrilled to have you with us were talking about rest. What is rest look like for you, what does that mean to you.

How do you rest as a caregiver, and I'm not asking that because I want to sum up what you on the spot.

A mess because I know sometimes what rest looks like. As a said the last block I played the piano. I do like to read. I like comedy I love stand-up comedy and select watch that it it just kind of I don't know. Just something about laughter that helps me kind of bleed off the stress. Think of what else that I do the horseback riding. All I can stuff you like to do that. I went out when I skied and I used to ski about the knees aren't what they used to be, so I can't that I probably could ski but I don't want to put myself in that kind of pain to do it and I like movies I like documentaries like historical document or second thing like really good movies with the very intricate story that I cannot shut everything else down and do that but I don't know that I your peeps it would you like to go on a cruise and I'm like are you out of your mind. You know, I've been on cruise before and I'm never going to do it again. At least if I have to say, so about because this is to me that's not rest your interview just your crowded ship to people in there's food everywhere to just constant sensory bombardment inside a don't typically want to go on a cruise. I do like what out of the boat. One of my favorite things to do was go on the boat with my brother-in-law in Florida would let us go out and takes out his boat and lived on the water and it was it was great and there were times when I went out there and he let Graca take the boat out a time to you were just going along in dolphins or cresting with her swim with the dolphins and boating there with them and it was that was that was restful to me and I enjoyed that.

But it's hard it's hard to know how to rest when your full-time caregiver you work full-time in you know you you you own the company and in order for your in charge of the company and it was hard to know how to do that yet. It's important to do it the Roman poet opened stated take rest a field that has rest and gives a beautiful crop. You know Annette that harkens back to the way agriculturally God directed his people to let the ground rest. Every so often things over seven years. Let the ground rest so that it could replenish the nutrients and so forth and the French philosopher Blaise Pascal. I thought he was a mathematician to but correct me if I'm wrong, but he said nothing gives rest, but the sincere search for truth lesson. Interesting statement is and I think sometimes the things that keep us so turned up or the distractions to the truth and and I think for me, one of the biggest ways that have been able to rest is to understand that God is sovereign, that I don't have to figure all these things out and I really struggle with. I used to demand to know why God was allowing certain things in what what why would he do this and then I got to a point where you can do that for so long. Then just run out of steam only takes a lot of energy to be hacked off all the time. You know what it does is exhausting to be angry. It's exhausting to be you know just then I say positive and I got to the point where I was learning to say okay I don't know I don't and I kinda got comfortable with that statement. I don't know why but it's the truth. I don't, but then there was a shift for me was a really big shift where not only do I not know why I can't know I cannot know why and I don't know that I ever will. I don't know that I for key.

You see, I can know God truly, but I can't know them absolutely is a friend of mine told me, even when I've been with him in eternity for how do you measure time and eternity. If there is such a measure. I will still never know him absolutely because he is God and I am not. I cannot know what I do not have it in me to understand that. I think there will be things that will be explained to us and revealed to us and showed to us, but he still infinite. We are not so I just landed in that place realize I can't know I don't know why I can't know it is okay and I rested your people want to come up all the time. When you deal with such difficult circumstances in your life goes back to the way that when the disciples came to Jesus with the guy that was born blind. I said who said this Kara's parents. You know we have to somehow justify this horrific tragedy we have to somehow make sense of the senseless and a lot of times I think were trying to wash God's hands and that we think that with it's embarrassing to think that a good loving God would allow such a thing and so there's a lot of conversation that goes on about, you know why God would allow this, because he's good loving God. Therefore, these people did something wrong. That's what happened is not because God is his them and S exhausting particular to those of us who live with the situation the doesn't improve with time. But then again who love us lives with the situation that improves with time.

None of us to get out of this thing alive and time is the enemy. Death is the enemy for this mortal life but Christ defeated death so doing rest and that are not.

Does that comfort us.

Does that strengthen us.

Does that give us the wherewithal to stop staying so angry and fretting to try to figure out why and just rest in him.

Since I can't do a conventional rest like some people do.

It just doesn't seem to be available to me so I have learned to rest in unconventional ways since the conventional is seems to be elusive to me, and maybe do you have learned to rest in unconventional ways and ease into circumstances differently than certainly use to many of my earlier years as a caregiver. I would strain over the sink be living five years out in the future and I kinda surprised myself over things when people would come to me recently only going to but this had anything about this what about this what what happens if this happens with an and I get getting peppered with questions like that from family and friends by answer has changed drastically. My reply I don't have an answer by reply to them is changed drastically over the years. When I sit, I don't know I'm not. I'm not. Were not there just will deal with today, and I think for me I go back to that quote from Blaise Pascal. Nothing gives rest, but sincere desire for truth, the sincere search for truth. In my case, I've sought out the truth in the matter of this craziness, the gracing Olivia. The truth is God is sovereign in this. That is truth. God is working in this. That is truth. God is working through this and is leading to something weaving into something redeeming all of that is truth that is anchored in Scripture and I am unmoved on that. I will stand firm on that Apple rest on that so not to take a day off and go and do what necessarily other people do. I'm not going to certainly go on a cruise and I go to do those things. I'm not to save up all year to go on a two-week vacation and be exhausted when I come back, but I am going to go to the piano. I'm to play hymns that mean something to me that anchor me to settle my heart. I'm going to look at things differently that I used to look I studied art lately fine art paintings been looking at things is fascinating. I would never take the time to do the and I've seen the beauty that I would've missed otherwise. So maybe resting for me is learning to stop or slow down, maybe even some of this Peter Rosenberg… Hope you can will be right back. As caregivers we have so many things that hit us all the time and we can't always nail these things down by ourselves. Who helps you what does that look like I'm Peter Rosenberg and I want to tell you about a program but a part of. Now for almost 10 years. That's legal shield less than $30 a month. I have access to a full law firm they can handle all kinds of things. If I get a contract put in front of me if I got of dispute was something doesn't matter, I've got a full law firm that can help me navigate through all the sticky wickets that we as caregivers have to deal with power of attorney medical power of attorney will every bit of it as a caregiver.

We need someone who advocates for us and that's why I use legal shield to go to caregiver legal.com look on the left-hand side versus legal shield to selected turns purple this pick a plan to give you some options if you don't need to do those selected checkout and be protected. Starting today that caregiver legal.com that is a great crowd. The gospel disciples and his sister said something held this way back in the groove yard I loved.

I grew up playing laundry stuff just love it.

First concert I ever saw was Andre Crouch in the gospel disciples is. It was at the Township of torment Columbia South Carolina back in 19 6787 out. I was just a kid and I had the program get this. I had the program with me. I don't know why had it with me but I went. It's Saul Van Kleinberg like within a year or so later my piano professor about County to the time she's I think passed away since long time ago and she had Alzheimer's. She's a wonderful pianist and wonderful teacher and she took me to see Van Clyburn with a lot of other students and I got to go backstage and meeting and I had him give his autograph and he said it on the program that I had from Andre crutches fell been whatever it was that they had ever tested and I have Van Clyburn signature on that with Andre Crouch and I have no idea where it that's adversely you know that's that's it.

It's Van Clyburn and I don't know if you knew this or not but he when he was 23. Know this when he won the Tchaikovsky competition in Moscow in 1958, well until that point, you only the Russians could do that in here comes this young 23-year-old American. I think you from Texas know he died in Texas I think he's from Louisiana's southern boy and he comes out of nowhere in and nails. This thing is just an extraordinary pianist in.

I got to medium very impressionable time in my life as a musician and I will you mean I have no but I really want to sit at the cat.

It was somebody like him him and I can't do that stuff. I mean it to the amount of skill and work it takes to be able to perform at that level. I knew Fred but he was a piano proof. He was a PO performance major at one of the finest music schools in the country to skunks basic and he told me years later. You know, after you had all this stuff, but here he was, he was probably in his late 50s early 60s when he told me this is that I don't play anymore.

Someone he said because I remember how good I used to be and I can't maintain that that was heartbreaking to me. You i I came to realization of what I could do and what I couldn't. And to be a concert pianist to be at that level.

I understand it takes enormous amount of commitment and extraordinary matter practice, but I never want to walk away from the instrument. My piano professor at Belmont University national told me once that when he was about 78 he already retired from teaching and he said he said I think I'm just now starting to get into the pocket of the soft easing jazz pianist that was that there was great carries a 78 he still learning it still brings joy to a but I think this is for me. What I've learned to incorporate in my life is how I rest so I'm curious as to you.

What do you do how do you rest and we'll talk about rest today as caregivers and I think sometimes for us is caregivers rest means acceptance accepting from what is it I got article this without the Chicago Tribune another Tribune media services this week and I was really quite move that they pick this one up. You are right. I have several editors that I send my things to based on you what I think it would fit for the publishing Fox News and you know Christian Christian Post web MD AARP guidepost been published in a wide right USA Today Washington times and you know you know it's always interesting.

Who gravitates to one particular article, even though I try to be selective in who a better picture to. But these guys picked it up and out. I was kind of how I was in the hospital with Gracie. When I wrote this and use the time their moms go through this process with her to write is wings hit me. That's all the news were the actor Bruce Willis stepped away from public life is family, pulled him aside and he's handling the stage and so wrote about that in the articles called journey to the sunset and I talked about how so many families are struggling with a loved one who is facing encroaching cognitive impairments and end the decision points are there heartbreaking reminders of how fragile your fragile life is and in and in this particular case more than just taking the keys away because a lot of people could we take the keys with you if we need to take the VCR DVD away.

So these families have to preside over a really sad exit to the iconic life you would never when Ronald Reagan diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.

He wrote his final thoughts and shared with the world. They wrote to say the sentence in there I now begin the journey that will lead me into the sunset of my life and he rested. He he accepted it on. As I look at the the Willis family is there, struggling to care for Bruce Willis now so many family caregivers are the same place they cut a form breaks around him and pulled him out of the spotlight and about whether it you know Hollywood or politics. Whatever we that's how many families that are facing that sort of thing right now. Winner of the rain surrendered or do you take the reins and sometimes the impaired loved one has this tenuous grasp on control that creates a reach that that unleashes on family members and coworkers remember Glen Campbell's widow, Kim told me that on her show that Glenn become very rageful because he couldn't couldn't hold onto a thought. He couldn't do it. Sometimes the families will prop up or enable it impaired loved one to exploit them for their own gain.

We see this modeled out. Often times is a lot of times and politics for these guys become institutions to themselves and this only people making money off of them that they prop them up and cut a cover form and I think that is just a very tragic scenario, and in some cases fear erupts from caregivers and in conflict ensues there because real danger it can can be a play you don't get the wheel of a car firearms or whatever real dangers there and then you get confused about, you know, sometimes impaired loved one seems normal and in those moments very confusing to us as caregivers. Well, he seemed okay today were obscene to rally but he's not okay and mom's not rallying the valley of the shadow of death can be a very long and painful one for many in its particularly heartbreaking to watch the decline of those who loomed large in your life you know and and I member meeting Michael Reagan and talk a little bit about his dad watching Ronald Reagan this this iconic figure of American history and and how my I was I was on a show show sometime way. Gracie sang for event with him and it was just a really plenty to listen to him talk about that which you know not all his gloom and loss. This one time but was resting today's electric first part of resting is accepting and that wave of sadness that initially causes many to to to fight you feel like you drown in and in your your your panic on this and yet if you can get some help work at this it with faith and sometimes a pretty good sense of humor. You know we caregivers in these and similar circumstances can achieve the what is often very elusive, which is peace of mind and more than that, we may be able to even experience beauty and the heartache is a stuff about the last block we may be able to see something we would never have seen before, and find joy even in the sadness, you know, Horatio Spafford understood this profoundly when he penned him over the watery grave of his children who drowned when the ship carrying them sunk in the Atlantic Ocean. He wrote when peace like a River attendance by way, when sorrows like sea billows roll whatever my lot that was taught me to say it is well as well with my soul.

So much of the angst that we endure stems from an unwillingness to accept what is and we spent all this energy and self-deception fighting against the obvious nothing for me. That's where rest is going to place Ron stop but I hopefully's reduce the fighting undergoes a stop and reduce the fighting against the obvious and you firmly talk about this on the show recently.

Fear and despair service impairments the morning with Dr. Morton for if so, is it being fearful and reaching out in despair and everything else but in morning we accept what it is and receive the comfort that Jesus promised in Matthew 54 which says blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. Blessed are those who rate you know Gracie went through that when she try to salvage her legs for years and finally relinquish them to amputation. When she realized that the fear of losing them shouted down the whisper that they were already gone to accept the obvious.

Sometimes we hold on the things that are destroying is often killing us because our fear of the unknown overpowers the obvious, you know, so we see this this step. This amazing step in public of this family, that is, rallying around Bruce Willis and face the fear and accepted. It was time to leave the stage. Knowing and it's gotta be a very painful decision for what you are leaving the stage doesn't mean defeat, nor does it and this zest for life and accomplishment know Dylan Thomas tackled that theme. The Welsh poet Dylan Thomas when he wrote probably his most famous poem, do not go gentle into that good night. He was making to his father was dying. A member hearing that when I was in high school I was just always captivated by that point is so many millions are you don't.

We don't have to stop and acquiesce to whatever is happening. That's not what resting means we confided to the end but not to avoid because that's inevitable for all of us on this side of eternity that took point at the summer fighting but refining to instead fully embrace life. Maybe maybe then, is a form of risk is embracing resting knowing that God is working this funeral. This is hopefully caregivers will be right there. This is the program's family caregiver were so glad hopefully caregivers.com I hope you take a moment there around see what's available help you in this journey over your gift to someone else to me.

Maybe you know someone who strictly just tuned into the show so good as other summers go through this. I've got podcasts out there that is free of good music of guidebooks got it all out there. Please don't let a caregiver go through this alone. Friends don't let friends care, give alone so please take advantage of this. We talk about rest today.

We've been spending some time on this and just got explores ways that rest is a caregiver 36 years into this now is quite a journey and it is hard to know what that looks like. Let me tell you about a guy named Cleveland Boyd McAfee never heard him know he is Cleveland McAfee was born in 1866 in Missouri and the Internet becoming a theologian frustrated minister and a hymn writer Lonnie Humes had won him that he wrote in particular that was his signature him that in the tune as they McAfee today wrote he wrote a the music of the lyrics of this guy wasn't very accomplished man. He ended up becoming a moderator of the Gen. assembly, the Christian church back in the late 19 amino early 1900s think before the war, World War II, and just extraordinarily accomplished man, but here's what happened here. Two nieces that they they had to see. I think diphtheria, and they died and they died like within a very short amount of time of each other. It was it was extremely tragic for the family.

These young girls are lives just snuffed out and here's this wonderful man is very educated man struggling to wrap his mind around this heartbreaking tragedy and he wrote this him. There is a place of quiet rest near to the heart of God.

The place where sin cannot molest near to the heart of God, oh Jesus, blessed Redeemer sent from the heart of God hold us to wait before the near to the heart of God. There is a place of comfort suite near to the heart of God. A place where we are Savior eat near to the heart of God. There is a place of full release near to the heart of God. A place where all is jewelry and peace near to the heart of God for my all-time favorite hymns and I let off with that on my CD souls for the caregiver and have played that countless times at funerals and and I have found it.

Family members would come up to me over that particular him a mother looks at him and it's I can't stress enough how these hymns can provide such solace for us. For those of us who don't know what rest looks like at times that I count myself as one of those yellow 36 years into this and I I can't put my finger on. Okay, here's what rest is. I have found rest in certain things in changing certain beliefs in my life where I can accept even the harsh realities and trust that God is moving in them and that causes my heart settle Dale but wrist is very elusive for me, I freely admit this but when I sit down at the piano and I played these hymns written by extraordinary people who were facing heartbreaking things I rest when I go out and speak to do that as much as I used to do with covert and everything else you love people get nervous when I get on stage and speak and so forth. But to me that's pure oxygen and I are I love that I love to be able to do that love to interact with the audience.

I don't I don't sequester myself of the audit. I walk out there and have a good because of engaging with people. I'm doing what I was built to do and that's restful to me do what I was built to do and I don't know what rest looks like for you but I encourage you to explore this more as a caregiver particular because it is as I said earlier in the thing to be block you went over the Roman poet said a field that has rested gives a beautiful crop. I think we all can say that we want to give a beautiful crop with our lives. But if we don't rest the second half and yes I've had to learn to be creative in my resting and resting to me looks different than a baby does to some others, but ultimately resting for me is trusting that God is already there. Wherever there is that I'm going I had to stop at the surgical suite when taking Gracie to the surgery. I wield with them the all the folks there nurses and techs and everything else and I can only go so far that had to say goodbye but God did have to stop. He was already there waiting that's resting to me knowing that I don't have to come up with all the answers. I don't have to figure this out. I don't have to explain God's decisions. In this I don't have to know everything. I can't know that takes an enormous amount of pressure off of me and allows me just to cover be. I told love the surgeons you know as we went to the surgeons. Gracie said look, I'm in this raff with you on this river. I got a helmet and I got a lifejacket I got about that I know are all the big rocks are and if we Says LCO downstream. I'm not going to drive this trait in the pen and that you base it will be. Of course you're not a doctor but you those of you who would notice long enough to know we caregivers get into this mobile summit. We think we've got be in there in the mix try to figure things out and I did a rest knowing that he who began a good work is faithful to complete it. Not only me but in Gracie so can you rest today is my question, but in the show with something that I don't normally do another place from Gracie, but I will do one for me and this is the first song on my CD souls for the caregiver you can go out to your website.

Hopefully caregiver.com see how to get it or you stream it wherever records are sold. There is a place of quiet rest near the heart of God will see you next time.

Hopefully caregiver.come