Author La Vonne Earl Discusses Caring For Sexual Trauma Victims

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. A little that is one of my favorite Gillick porch is one of Gracie's favorite favorite artist was just amazing lady.

That song is such a great song for folks who are dealing with tough issues and I wanted to tackle one of those issues today and this is a got it all thrown the phone with us. Their name is Lavonne Earl and one of things that I have found a lot of fellow caregivers deal with on two different levels in their relationship with someone who has had a traumatic event of sexual abuse someone in their life and they're not sure how to interact with them and there's there's certain pitfalls and in the relationship that that suffer when you've had that kind of history and how do you engage properly. How do you help walk-through some healing with them or help facilitate their healing or not created to even make it any worse. What are some ways to navigate that and then the other part of it is for family caregivers of same is that a lot of times I love what is taking care of an aging Loveland that aging family member that has abuse them in the past. Those issues have been resolved and it may not be resolved.

And so Lavonne Earl is got a new book out is called board to bloom and she tackles the subject and she's got a 80 video series and and so forth workbook that's going to go along with it, but I wanted to have her on the show to talk about it and move on. Thank you for being a part of the show. I think, is there this is a tough subject and it's it it's not an easy one, but it isn't as important want to get into because so many people are dealing with this and some people are stumbling through life trying to find some kind of solid ground in this issue and and so let's let's tackle the first when you when you're dealing with somebody in the in the a lot of this you've you've done with your your writings in your book and your speaking so forth from personal experience and from the experience of working with somebody.

Others, but when you're dealing with somebody who is head a a sexual abuse traumatic event history in their life, or maybe multiple times what are some things that people might need to be aware of to be in relationship with that person in a relationship if you don't mind because I had left the faith current that it's important to understand that the person had been abused that you're not alone, that unfortunately that had happened to many, many people, both men and women evidently more claimant back, you're not allowed and especially you're not alone because God is always with you, and I would say any form of healing begins with first understanding your true identity.

No matter what you need hearing from your true identity. At the very very first place to start. And if you are in a relationship with someone who had been abused, which is your question.

To begin, I would say the first thing to understand is their true identity and can be speaking into their true identity. Wicked that they are victorious that they are alive that they are worthy that they are your all the things that they so desperately need. Here you can become like life-giving water to that individual because you think the unity and God's blessing into their life opposed to you because you really think you be hurt by this. You really seem like something wrong.

Maybe you need help if you had began to speak into their care identity and like you know what you are so victorious. I see you doing so great. Is there anything I can help you with and opposed to coming in with advice and I would never presume to give advice to somebody's been through something like that. I would simply sit with them and let them know that their pain is real and the pain is brutal and that I always put into professionals. I think it is important that we do to help them see you know that they are. This is not something that is reflective of who they are. This is something that happened to them that I think that's that. Is that what you should be driving it. They didn't solicit this by any stretch of the imagination.

This was they were victimized by this you know it's like you're my wife had a car accident. She is not a car accident. She Asked Her She Had a Wreck in Her Car. She Is Not That You Know That That's Not Her Identity and so That That's Important What What Are Some the Things That You Found with People That That When Your Relationship Is. Let's Go Them Even Very Specific Basic like Really Simple Stuff of Simple Stuff Works Go into a Situation Where You Just Learn to Be Still and Quiet.

Do You Do You Ask Any Types of Quite Specific Questions. Are You Just Kind of Just Listen. I Think What What What Works the Most.

The Individual in a Relationship with Company That You Most Important Thing That Which It United by and It It Everything That You Have Are Coming at from a Very Wide Perspective, but Unfortunately There Are Not A Lot Of Skilled Individuals out There in Relationship with People Who Have Been Abused to the Eight Number One Thing Is Silent Listening for Being Able to Lift and If He Can Just Close Your Mouth and Listen to It with Him That the Most Important Thing to Do and Then Your Body Language in Your Phone.That Is Rapport. It's Always so Important to Have a Rapport with Whoever You're in a Relationship with and Rapport Is Really Basically Becoming like Somebody so That They Can like You Know If They're in Pain and We Want to Be in Pain with Them Got That in One with Those Who Mourn, and to Rejoice with Those Who Rejoice That Basically Get Your Body Language Your Your Mood, Your Personality, to Have a Rapport in a Likeness like the Individual Going to Paint Seeking to Listen to Them and Then You Can Ask Questions Lead They Could Ask Questions of How What Can I Do for You Is Do You Think It Might Be a Good Idea to Go to a Professional Than That of Advising Asking Because What They Lost. First of All, If Their Voice and Their Opinion. They've Already Lost.They Lot Control. Somebody Violated Them and so to Take out from Them by Advising Them and Giving Them Direction and Advice and Everything Is Further Damaging Opposed to Sitting Back and Asking Questions about What They Need, They Can Have an Opinion and I Can Walk in There Drinks and Their Power Which God Gave to Them and so They Truly Know the Answers within Them and We Have To Trust That They Know What the Right Thing to Do Is for Them. This Very Important That You Use in Powering Them Your Your Your Your Giving Them Agency or We Don't Give People Agency. They Have Agency Would Stop Taking Away Their Agency Think That's a Big Huge Issue That When People Been Violated in This Matter That They Have Lost That Sense of Agency in Reclaiming That Is Paramount to Their Own Their Own Well-Being and and I Think That You Know Enough and I Want to Just Parallel That Little Bit of My Journey with a Woman Who's a Victim of Trauma and That's My Wife so Trauma Take so Many Different Forms in Her Case It's Physical Trauma from a Horrific Wreck.

Well Gracie. His Is This Crippled Both Her Legs Are Gone.

She's in a Wheelchair A Lot and She's in A Lot Of Pain All the Time. She Still Deserves to Have Her Own Agency Her Own Voice in Her Own Way of Wanting to Do Things I Cannot Just Do Everything Forcibly Because I Can Do It Faster or Say Will Because You're in the Situation I'm Going to Do This, This, This, I Am Robbing Her of That Dignity Sounds like the Same Thing Is Happening with Your Dealing with Sexual Trauma.

That to Me Too Often There, That the Trauma Is Compounded by People Not Recognizing the Agency That Is so Desperate to Their Soul to Have Entered for Us to Be Treated Lightly and That and I've Had to Learn to Do That Was Someone Physically and It Sounds like This Is That It Mirrors This Emotionally with What's Going on with These Individuals Is That Is That a Fair Assessment and I Always Say That You Cannot Use and Also Not Right. What Affected Somebody Automatically What It Was an Accident or Whatever They Have Gone to What Whatever It Has To Affected Them Automatically, and That We Can't Compare It. People Get Very Depressed Side All in and Lose All Hope Just Because of Whatever Had Happened to Them That We'll Compare It but yet in the Same Fence We We Want to Give People Back Their Agency Back There Dignity Back Their Power Enterprise. They Can Hear from God and God Will Give Them and Point Them in the Right Direction for the More That You Can Learn to Try and Simply to Listen and Empower Them.

Which Goes Back to Speaking to Their True Identity, Which Is That They Are Powerful Right Bear Healed Their Help Either. Hopeful Give Them Back Their Cure Identity by Helping with Them Beautiful Godly Words That Who They Truly Are That They Can Walk in Faith, and That Power That God Has Originally Given to Them. Some Things That We Would Want to Avoid Saying We Want to We Would Want to Back Away from Work Things. It May, We Maybe Have Good Intentions May Sell Real Sincere on Our Part, but in Reality Was Speaking Out Of Ignorance We Could End up Compounding Some Deep Problems. You Know, I've, for Example, How I Get I Just Did What I Know with the Physical.

A Lot Of Times People Will Come up with with with Gracie. She's in the Chair and I Noticed the Talk to Her Differently. She's in Her Chair Versus Were Wearing Her Legs and They Will Tend to Be the You Know You Talk down People or the Disregard Heard Talk This to Me Almost Ignore Her of Seeing This Friend of Mine Who Was a Blind and People Will Talk Louder to Him Because I Think He's Deaf to the Cost of Because It's It Is Not That There Try to Be Jerks about It Is Just That People Are Comfortable They Know and Part of What I Try to Educate How to Speak to People Who Were Wounded. How to Speak to People Who Are Struggling. Whatever Language Do We Use and Something Other Some Things We Might Would Avoid Saying What Great Class and a Number One, You Don't Need to Know the Detail A Lot Of Times People Will Out Of Their Own Curiosity and Ignorant What Happened, What We Did It Happen.

Where Did It Happen.

You Do Not Need to Know the Details.

That Is Not Important and They Do Not Need to Be Further Used by You by Hacking to Explain the Details of What Happened to Them That Is Wrong in and It Is Not Helpful at All. Again Silent like You Think People Are Often Very Uncomfortable with What to Do. The Most Important Thing You Can Do Is to Be There. Same Things like I Am Sorry but Don't Add to I'm Sorry, People Don't Always Need to Hear It. For Example, Using Your Wife. I'm Not Sure about That but You Know I'm Sorry for the Loss of Your Legs Now.

She Further Been Wounded Because You're Speaking More about the Loss of Her Legs, and I Am so Sorry That You Were Raped or That Happened to You and You Know Think That Simply I Am Sorry Don't Add Leave It Alone after That. I Am so Sorry I Am Here for You. What Can I Get to Help You Know There Helpful Things to Say but Don't Out Of Your Own Curiosity Need to Fill in the Details. I Think That's a Great Piece of Advice Is Don't like to Relive It. You Will Not Is in Its Was a Suppressor for the Bun to Lease It Is Not How Lurid Detail Was How Great the Savior, and so We Don't. We Love Those Little Parade around Our Messes and and I Don't Feel It's Healthy for A Lot Of Folks to Do That in We We Don't. We Would Wish to Have Found That out in Our Lives. I Had a Friend Bind When We Talk about This Issue and for the Show and Everything Else That up Done with in Good Experiences As a Child and Years Later You Know Ship Family Members When She Confronted Them about It in the Family with Such a Long Time Ago. Just Get over It. That's Horrible Thing to Say, You Don't Just Get over Something like This and and I Think That's Something I Want People to Know That Are in Relationship with Somebody Who You Live Your Spouse Maybe You Whatever Friend, Whatever. If Your English If You Don't Just Get over It. You Know Well This This Is Something You Don't Get over Is Something You Work through You Work through Healing You Recover.

You Go to What the Recovery but You Don't Just Get over It Just Because It Was 25 Years Ago. I Celebrate with That and As Someone Who I Am 56 Year Old and Coming out with My Own Story. My Mom of What Happened When I Was 11 Years Old and Five Years Ago That I IQ Mountain and Sharpen Think That That She Hurt Me and Other Things That Happen to Me and Then Her Anger and Hurt like Will Wire You Cite. Now That Wyeth Had a Horrible Question. First of All, and Our Ministry We Teach People Not to Use the Word, Why Could the Very Accusatory Statement Better Statement Is While What Happened Becoming More and That's Not a Curiosity of Details That When Somebody Coming to and Presenting Something to You Now. It's an Opportunity for You to Validate Them and to Open the Door of What They Want to Share with You and so That It Validation It's Huge to Be Able to Be Validated about What Happened and Could Be Believed about What Happened When You Are Finally Brave Enough to Come and Share Your Story.

Somebody Doesn't Need to Get regarding Your Story Definitely with This Is to Leave Cultivate Good Listening Skills to People and Recommend That We Don't Have To Own Their Pain That We Can Appreciate and Respect Their Pain.

When My Favorite Passages of Scripture Is Job 213 Where Job's Friends Came and Sat with Him First for Seven Days Did You Say Word Because His Grief Was so Great and I Have Come to Understand That the Rubber for the Mud in the in the Jewish Culture There Is That Morning, Time of Seven Days Where Were People What Will Sit with Them. They Won't They Won't Try to Advise Her so You Just Get on with This. Whatever You Just Recognize the Trauma of What's Happening You Respected and You Thank You for Taking the Time of This When We Got to Go to Break People Would Find You. It's Why K, I Coaching.com Direct Correct Why KI Coaching Duck of the Book Is Called Born to Bloom and You Have a Video Series That Goes with This Letter so That Directly Yes That's Correct That I'll Be Walking People. A Seven Week Journey of Barry Healing Will Do It Together. That Is, so That Is so Awesome That You're Taking on the Subject and Though It's Personal Thing with You Something Is Very through This This Lovato Better Get It Why KI Coaching.com and Appreciate You Very Much Been on the Showroom on This.

This Is John Butler Produce Hope for the Caregiver with Peter Rosenberger. Some of You Know the Remarkable Story of Peter's Wife Gracie and Recently Peter Talk to Gracie about All the Wonderful Things That Emerge from Her Difficult Journey. Take a Listen Gracie. When You Envision Doing a Prosthetic Limb Outreach. Did You Ever Think That Inmates Would Help You Do That, Not in a Million Years. When You Go to the Facility Run by Core Civic and You See the Faces of These Inmates That Are Working on Prosthetic Limbs That You Have Helped Collect from All of the Country That You Put out the Plea for and Their Disassembly Sell These Legs like What You Have Your Own Prosody and Arms and Orange Everything When You See All This. What Do You Make Me Cry Because I See the Smiles on Their Faces and I Know I Know What It Is to Be Locked Someplace Where You Can't Get out without Somebody Else Allowing You to Get out Course, Being in the Hospital so Much and so Long and so That These Men Are so Glad That They Get to Be Doing As As One Man Said Something Good Family with My Hands.

Did You Know before You Became an Amputee That Parts of Prosthetic Limbs Could Be Recycled Now Had No Idea and I Thought a Peg Leg. I Thought of Wooden Legs. I Never Thought of Titanium and Carbon Legs and Flex Feet. The Legs and All That.

I Never Thought about That As You Watch These Inmates Participate in Something like This, Knowing That There There Helping Other People They'll Walk the Providing the Means for the Supplies to Get over There. What Is It Due To You, Just on the Heart Level. I Wish I Could Explain to the World. What I See in Here and I Wish That I Could Be Able to Go and Say the This Guy Right Here Denise Go to Africa with Us. I Never Not Feel That Way out Every Time You Know You Always Make Me Have To Leave.

I Don't Want to Leave Them. I Feel like I'm at Home with Them and I Feel like That We Have a Common Bond That I Would've Never Expected That Only God Could Put Together.

Now That You've Had Experience with It What You Think of the Faith-Based Programs. The Core Civic Offers. I Think They're Just Absolutely Awesome and I Think Every Prison out There Should Have Faith-Based Programs like This Because the Return Rate of the Men That Are Involved in This Particular Faith-Based Program and Other Ones like It, but I Know about This One Are. It Is Just an Amazingly Low Rate Compared to Those Who Don't Happen and I Think That That Says so Much That Doesn't Have Anything to Do with Me Just Has Something to Do with God Using Somebody Broken to Help Other Broken People. If People Want to Donate or Use Prosthetic Limbs, Whether from a Loved One Who Passed Away or You Know Somebody Well Groomed.

You've Donated Some of Your Own for Them to Have It Out Of the Do That Please Go to Standing with Hope.com/Recycle Staining with Hope.com/Recycle. Thanks, Chris