Try Judging Yourself By This Criteria

Role here wouldn't train one pastor some donor friends are standing by to train a second call 334435467 or go online and print a pastor.com. Every gift counts and now every gift is double training pastor.com Rosenberg he's not a preacher but he's got great about this figure Rosenberg this is the nation's number one show family caregiver and we are so those of you were pushing the wheelchair stayed up late at night back and forth doctor's office on the phone with insurance companies on the phone with pharmacies cleaning up stuff back and forth rehab centers trying to hold a job while you do it ironing, cooking, grocery store everything all that's involved in being a family caregiver you're in the right place were glad that you with us, you will be part of the show 877-655-6755 seven follow along. Hope the caregiver.com and and we also stream the podcast that will recorded. We recess trimmed it out on Facebook love and hope for the caregiver and you're welcome to go out to our site, their joint up follow along. We have the hope caregiver groups a lot of different ways to connect. We hope you'll take advantage of them. I want to start off today with some little bit different. I have been thinking about these things a lot and I want to talk about roll call roll call and all too often caregivers we judge ourselves without mercy. Think about how you look at yourself how you visualize your role in what you're doing as a caregiver, how you're handling these things as a person. All the things involved and think about how you're doing with that we judge ourselves so harshly over our job performance with a supremely critical eye. We break ourselves while also allowing others to do the same if we choose to judge ourselves. I'm asking for at least a fair and objective viewpoint in this let's judge yourselves on the whole. Now, for example, our attendance record attendance record as a caregiver is perfect. We keep showing up now. Yeah, we sometimes show up late and we often feel battered and bruised. Sometimes were swearing under a breath like Yosemite Sam, to all the Looney Tunes cartoons but we still show up.

How would you feel about somebody who did that for you with that worth was certainly worth taking a moment to acknowledge the extraordinary commitment and resolve family caregivers and that includes you limitless in these lyrics from Bill Withers lean on me when you're not strong. I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on for it won't be long till I'm that I need somebody to lean on. This is the human condition and what we hope to do on the show is help fellow caregivers learn to just be a little kinder to themselves, so I'm asking you. Here's action step in a mess you to consider this when you're tempted to write a bad review scathing review employee evaluation of yourself on your job performance when you're tempted to do that as a caregiver. Would you at least first take a roll call and acknowledged who showed up and that you and I'm glad that you do. I'm glad that you showed appear on the show with that.

I like to introduce my cohost, my producer, my long time guiding stars to the ship that are saline you know you love them, he's the man who made the Kessel run and 11 pc. He's John Butler, the count of muddy disco. My bet is that God that his fists and silk the Kessel United in 11 pc. 11 pc. yet unit yeah I have on a particular unit distance that Lucas screwed got up yeah you will believe in that but all that aside, how you feel about. I am feeling on time and and very present.

You cannot mark my attendance will cry like that know it's a very, that is that that is a very important thing I to mother, not young anymore. There nine yesterday I said yes they are there young well bank bites soon you learn about all that bites. You know, I judge myself pretty harshly. Sometimes in the parenting style things, and especially this past year I've been home with me the entire time bites.

They've been at home with me the entire time and listen showed up for I know… About my attendance on time. A very thin, and they kept showing up every day, despite having me float around outside bites at know it's it's very important to to keep that sort of thing in mind is not to say that that's the bare minimum. That's saying that's more than the bare minimum.

That's doing a really good job.

That and and we need to acknowledge that at least in those times, especially in those times when were were being overly harsh with ourselves is III still this raising I see a lot of praise from you.

One of them that I really enjoy is and if I hung around anybody around treated me like I treat me I would hang around more still that to because that is a very good statement to remind ourselves of his caregivers and I do think that I think it bears repeating often on the show that we as caregivers on a core level. Do not struggle with anything that is not common to the human condition. We just struggle with it on a relentless and often nuclear or George Bush was a nuclear nuclear level and and it becomes so overpowering the intense but the same core things are there fear obligation guilt, heartache, anger, turmoil, which spells out fog at Molly and but resentment, despair, all those things that are that are common to the human condition. And so when I say these things. We all will break ourselves for job performance.

We all tend to look at ourselves with such a disk disproportionately critical eye. But when family caregivers get involved there. They are just inundated with this so much. It becomes like a wall of sound at them is so big and it's overpowering and so I thought okay, how do we push back against that and thought okay were to judge yourself. We can't stop doing it with its part of our support for DNA. Willis also judge yourselves on our attendance and that's a big part of what is that they say what 90% of success is just showing up. Yeah you know and and and so we show up and and I and I hope that the lesson learned from this from fellow caregivers is let's have some balance in the way that we judge ourselves if we can without thinking of stopping you tell me John if if that's something you found no people that you know have stop judging themselves rather than anybody that does its judge themselves while in and and we do not because we care about the job and we want done right and we we don't respect what we don't inspect the other one when you want to use it only in we inspect what you are job performance and just like everything else can be relentless about it and that's that is the thing over which we feel we might have some control and therefore burden up with some focus on that and it it's not does not say this is something we should do, which is something that we are going to do this is this is standard operating procedure for human PS yeah but but we also it it's it's very important for us. I have found my left to understand how to separate some of these things that we do that we are going to do this, we are going to judge ourselves, we can't help it would limit were going to self critique. But we do it out of a sense of likeness self worth is tied up if I don't do this right worth this could be impacted and have admit it's could have a negative impact on my self-worth and so how do we go back and disconnect our self-worth from these task and realize you were doing the best we can, and I think part of that is that we infuse better perspective. Okay, if you're going to tell your self-worth to help, but you did this particular task can we also attached self-worth to you showed up and Ryan start balancing that out a little bit in what kind of person shows up and in that.

What would you say to somebody who did this for you MSA that the very death of the third kind way of looking at if I was you look at it from like let's say an accountant's point of view is the kind of pointedly where nine china cabinet rank and they would be very there would be very well written and imprecisely done bites out what this is what going back to what I spoke with are not you wheat we inspect all of the aspects that we want. We inspect our art. The job performance of wheat we are judging our job performance. However that is a little bit incomplete. Just like what you're saying we need to have it if we if we include all of the aspects that we should be judging a prominent part of that should also be attendance should be just showing him so put that on the checklist when you're making a checklist of how did I do today how my doing this month or year or whatever and that should be visible to you. Let not like the caregivers to to really unpack the fact that why showing up important. What kind of person shows up for the things that you show up for as a caregiver.

You know what you in and and a people say what I have a choice really, you really don't have any choice in, and I I would suggest you that you do have a choice. You always have a choice. It may not be a very good choice. It may be a socially acceptable choice which you are not there is no gun to your head to this.

This is something you're doing now just as well as my kid up up you're supposed to well yeah but there love you bandit children.

There a lot of people that abandon special-needs children. Urinary people are going in the elderly. Yeah it's what it's well within your grasp. To do that since it doesn't take a lot to get my car driveway. It doesn't mean that you it doesn't mean that you gotta be you loved and accepted by a lot of friends and family for doing so. At the same time understand that you are deciding this you have agency in this and that's very important.

I want you to hold onto that because nobody is forcing you at gunpoint in this you're doing this out of a sense of who you are as a person out of love and that of the character in your heart and you're doing this because of love.

This person and and and yes there are times when he gets so so difficult and so demoralizing and so disheartening. I get but you keep but you keep showing up and and use it with. I don't have anybody else that's true they may not, and they may not be able to survive without you. I get that. Please understand. You rob yourself of that sense of agency of value of saying I am purpose thing to do.

This because the moment we start thinking were obligated to do this, then resentment is not far behind, but I am purpose thing to do this. I'm intentionally doing this and that is worthy of you examining your heart and say why my intentionally doing this by purposely doing this and I know that we caregivers are so fractured mentally and and frenetic in our behavior, but but but I felt very passionate about this particular topic today and in getting into the monologue of this of of unpacking this for fellow caregivers so that they can see this. Take a moment.

I know that you got a lot going on but just take a moment to go deeper. Don't just live on the in the shadow into the pool here. Okay, go little bit deeper and and start to understand yourself in this context and this is what helps sort out some of that stuff that's in your heart and I come from the long-standing belief that if the caregivers heart is a train wreck. Then imagine what the wall it's gonna look like imagine what the relationships could look like. Imagine what the profession is going to look like or what the house or what the bodies could look like. So let's start with the heart and let's calm yours down just a little bit by recognizing you are doing something extraordinary. You're showing you showing up to care for someone who is in desperate need in your offering what you have to do it but you do it out of a sense of purpose and stewardship.

When you do it out of obligation it's gonna take you down the dark path resentment okay that's part of the monologue.

John and I got unpacked a little bit later we got go to break, this is Peter Rosemary.

This is hopefully caregiver show that it is committed to the concept that we as caregivers can live a calm or, healthier, and dare I say it with life will be right back is Peter Rosenberg in math 3 1/2 decades as a caregiver. I've spent my share of nights in the hospital sleeping and waiting rooms on foldout cot shares. Even the floor sometimes on sofas and a few times in the doghouse. But let's still talk about that as caregivers we have to sleep it uncomfortable places but we don't have to be miserable. We use pillows for my pillow.com. These things are great. They have a patented interlocking feel that adjusting your individual sleep needs and for caregivers.

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John phone and then some. It's I mean it's it's solids along start with. It is when we talk about the different lyrics are both good and bad for Carol caregivers. That's one that should be near the top the list for good that's that's a really killer Taryn and Bill Bill Withers hooked it and and it's it it's inspired millions and millions and millions of people, and it continues to do so. It inspires me and and I love the bumper music we get to have on the show because it's always reflective of what's going on with us as caregivers in and we do need somebody to lean on.

I need somebody to lean on you. Do we all do, and the question is who are willing and and if were leaning on people that are resenting us are whatever. Then we need to rethink that and find those relationships are important, and in an argument.

If we haven't picked the wrong person to lean on you and we make as we say drink from a fire hose and it didn't that they were unable to handle it.

That doesn't mean that they are bad or you don't need to be cut out of our lives wherever right tool right job sort of situation it know and I had that was driven home to me this week I got a new look and work on and and I think I told you about this and my agent have been talking and we been pitching it couple different publishers and one publisher that I didn't even know the publisher what I did know this like to be accurate.

Even though these anonymous sources fit into. I didn't know this person but that well but but they looked at the proposal and money to get back to him and he said they then fit with where they're going. For this particular thing, which is fine. I'm okay with that. I had that had rejection on many levels before I'm behind on that line before. I am a boxer and so but this person added to my agent.

We we got is it we were little unsettled by Peter's humor because of the subject. Okay and and I and I laughed at us. It will if they're upset about because I look out know what I put in the proposal is that if they're upset about that way till they hear the joke about what I said to Gracie following her 80th surgery you know and edit it just drove the point home for me that I don't need that publisher with me okay if I'm publisher, I'm sure wonderful. They're wonderful people. God level but they don't get what I'm about because I can tell you from my 35 years of experience in caregivers need to laugh. We we have to. We must laugh and and and for people to somehow think will is too serious and we got we got your work that's that's like that whole concept of feeling pity for somebody so we can go help them because we feel sorry for him as opposed to working to help the because it's so enriching for both of us. Now we can stand with organ to let them lean on me and I'm to lean on them and work at work and work together as a partnership. I'm not here to because I feel sorry for my fellow caregivers. I don't feel this overwhelming sense of pity for my spell caregivers. What I do feel is a great deal of passion to be able to take the things that I've learned virtually every bit of it the hard way and offered a way that makes sense to them in a way that people have done for me over the years and there's a wonderful person. Corinthian's assistant you got you comfort one another with the same comfort that UU self is received from the God of all comfort and and so there is a new blessing a little bit but I think it's important influence that you know that if were doing these things out of a sense of pity on duty or obligation. Yeah, and it is good and it also devalues the other person. I think now you know and you show me a caregiver that doesn't need to laugh you know how I don't think that person exist.

I don't journey you don't laugh all the time you want to laugh in the middle of you know, a procedure that she's goofy but there's a point we have that pressure valve release of laughter that let you know I can still live life and I think it will. When my supposed to laugh when Gracie gets better when Gracie gets worse when Gracie hasn't gotten better and and I've been married for 35 years to postpone laughter until she says it's okay to laugh when you start asking those kind of questions.

It changes the conversation doesn't remember my Wings Okay. It Was an Okay and I Think It's Okay When It's Funny You Know If It's Funny and and You Know You Know Gracie for Long Time. She's Funny. However, from a Boutique. Although the King Abby Ike Blessing That I Can Get Her Stuff Talking with Him on the Phone You Have To Call John and Gracie Just Love about You Know If This Is like Grace but but She's She's Living Life with Every Bit of Gusto She Has and She Is a Woman Who Suffers Greatly and and Then You Know I've Got I've Got My Cousin Who's Been on the Show before Meredith and She's Got a Daughter with Special Needs. She's Got Severe Handicaps, Emeritus, One of the Funniest People I Know and and Meredith Watched Her Father Die of Neurofibromatosis.

The Smoke It Was a Very Painful Ugly Death on His Deathbed on His Deathbed He Pulls Me up Close to First Tell Me Jokes and PET. One Week He Helped Plan out His Funeral. He Knew It Was Coming.

He Told Me What He Wanted to Do When We Play a Love Song That Was His Song with My Aunt and I Played It at the Funeral, but That He Starts Telling Jokes and Their Off-Color Joke. They're Not Family Appropriate. They Were Hilarious and He Was Hilarious in and in the Other Thought This Publisher. I Didn't Go Back Because It Was Coming Filtered to Be through My Agent, but I Think You Are in and Try to Correct Them. I Just Think I'm Just Grateful That Okay They Don't Get It and That's It That No Is a Very Good Yes for Me, Absolutely. And That's How You Know If You Have Given Me the Information I Need to Make This Decision.

That Is, That Is Exactly What I Needed.

Thank You. I I'm Not Worried about Where This That If This Book Will Get Published, As It Will Get Published Have No Doubt about That. This Will Be My Third Fourth Book and and I'll Get Published. I Got the Track Record. So for That I Know but I Know More Portly. I Know the Audience Know the People.

If I Had to Publish Myself under John Butler Tell a Mighty Disco Publishing. I'll Do It That Way, You Write the Xerox Machine for Xerox Was Easily Will Have No but but but but If Anybody Tells Me That It's Not Okay to Help Caregivers Laugh That Person Does Not Need to Be in My Life and and or or Lease They Need to Be Think That's a Little Harsh, I'm Sorry That Person Is to Be on the Outer Rim of the Galaxy of My Life.

While Interest Event That There Is There Conversations You Won't Have This Because It Will Be Counterproductive for Both of You. It Would Be It. It's Not That They'll Figure It out Eventually.

I Mean If You're Caregiver in India Were Already to Be a Caregiver, Need to Kick in. If You're Caregiver for Any Length of Time You Figure out Eventually That It's Okay to Laugh. It's Okay to Saying It's Okay to Cut up. It's Okay.

Ecclesiastes Says, for Every Season. There Is There Everything You Can Do. There's a Time for Laughter. There's a Time with the Bird Sing That. Yeah, That's Correct.

Turn Turn Turn but but There's a Time to Laugh. The Time to Cry and at the Time for Morning Time for Dancing and in This Is Our Journey As Caregivers Is to Understand That We Don't Have To Wait for Our Loved One to Get Better or Worse before We Live Life in the Midst of This, This Is Life and Sometimes Life or Gracie Me Is in the Hospital Room. Sometimes It's Her Struggle with Pain Sometimes Assess Watching the Funding Is Just like over the Character of the Spirit. This Is John Butler and I Produce Hope for the Caregiver with Peter Rosenberger. Some of You Know the Remarkable Story of Peter's Wife Gracie and Recently Peter Talk to Gracie about All the Wonderful Things That Have Emerged from Her Difficult Journey. Take a Listen Gracie.

When You Envision Doing a Prosthetic Limb Outreach.

Did You Ever Think That Inmates Would Help You Do That, Not in a Million Years. When You Go to the Facility Run by Core Civic and You See the Faces of These Inmates That Are Working on Prosthetic Limbs That You Have Helped Collect from All of the Country That You Put out the Plea for and Their Disassembly Sell These Legs like What You Have Your Own Prosody and Arms and Arms Everything When You See All This. What Do You Make Me Cry Because I See the Smiles on Their Faces and I Know I Know What It Is to Me like Someplace Where You Can't Get out without Somebody Else Allowing You to Get out Course, Being in the Hospital so Much and so Long and so That These Men Are so Glad That They Get to Be Doing As As One Man Said Something Good Family with My Hands. Did You Know before You Became an Amputee That Parts of Prosthetic Limbs Could Be Recycled Now Had No Idea and I Thought a Peg Leg.

I Thought of Wooden Legs. I Never Thought of Titanium and Carbon Legs and Flex the Sea Legs and All That. I Never Thought about That As You Watch These Inmates Participate in Something like This, Knowing That There There Helping Other People down Walk There, Providing the Means for the Supplies to Get over There. What Is It Do to You. Just on the Heart Level.

I Wish I Could Explain to the World. What I See in Here and I Wish That I Could Be Able to Go and Say the This Guy Right Here Denise Go to Africa with That. I Never Not Feel That Way out Every Time You Know You Always Make Me Have To Leave.

I Don't Want to Leave Them.

II Feel like I'm at Home with Them and I Feel like We Have a Common Bond That Would've Never Expected That Only God Could Put Together. Now That You've Had Experience with It What You Think of the Faith-Based Programs. The Core Civic Offers. I Think They're Just Absolutely Awesome and I Think Every Prison out There Should Have Faith-Based Programs like This Because the Return Rate of the Man That Are Involved in This Particular Faith-Based Program and Other Ones like It, but I Know about This One Are. It Is Just an Amazingly Low Rate Compared to Those Who Don't Happen and I Think That Says so Much That Has Anything to Do with Me Just Has Something to Do with God Using Somebody Broken to Help Other Broken People. If People Want to Donate or Use Prosthetic Limbs, Whether from a Loved One Who Passed Away or You Know Somebody Well Groomed. You've Donated Some of Your Own for Them to Have It, How They Do That Now. Please Go to Standing with Hope.com/Recycle Staining with Hope.com/Recycle. Thanks Grace