Caregivers and the New Year

And and how you doing a home going on with you is the purpose of the show will speak to the heart of the family caregiver.

If we don't talk to the heart of the caregiver.

Then the wallet the relationships the job the body every other part of the caregiver has a fighting chance. But if your heart is squarely it is.

If your heart is a dumpster fire, then what could happen to your body, which could happen to your decisions that you make in your job, your career with your money with your family with you relationships all the stuff that's what we do on the show if you will learn more about it. Hopefully caregiver.com. We also have the podcast that we do is a free podcast, we got nearly 500 episodes out there more and you can download any of them at your convenience wherever you can get a podcast of whatever streaming mechanisms you want and we want you to take advantage of this. I don't have anything like this when I was starting as a cavity caregiver number 35th year and there was nobody speaking to the family caregiver in a in any kind of cohesive manner and certainly not with the great authority of Scripture. And that's why I'm so grateful for this network. We got other networks of join with us on this the Truth Network his radio and and affiliates and and all of the country over 200 the signals out of broadcasting this show and and and I'm very grateful for that. That people seen the value and the need for the family caregiver love people talk about the family and marriage is like a stuff they don't even mention that caregiving as it relates to what's going on. Did you know the divorce rate in a in a family with a disability of any kind that manifests the mother the father the kid the divorce rate is nearly 90% so there is a huge need to speak to the family caregiver but you can't just go out there and bloviate about it.

I know I've had people come up to me and give me all kinds of bad theology and and platitudes in and and and JUST worthless things to do all for me is that because they were trying to somehow speak into this and it was just like outcome on you kid to back that you that come on in and then they would just do things like you know if if you the faith God will heal Gracie or whatever. I have heard it all. Every bit of, and some of it caused me to sink into two disparate others. Other times it caused me to just be filled with rage and lash out and and and I just you know I have a and learn how to bridle my tongue because I would but I would be very poignant with some people had the I've had to go back and make amends for but III look at all of it is a learning experience that I've ever of accumulated failover 3/2 decades of of caring for situation that is brutal is ongoing. Gracie will be facing surgery next week. This will be that I can help her 81st that I can count hundred 50 other smaller procedures. This will be her 13th hospital over 100 doctors and this is been going on since Reagan was president in his first term.

So you're talking a a vast amount of time here that is that is occurred. She was hurt back in 83 so you're you she's almost 40 years and in this thing and I came along a couple years after she was hurt and so into this. I've learned some principles and some concepts, but more importantly I've seen God's provision and I wanted to be able to extend this to caregivers in a way they could understand. I speak fluent caregiver. This is not an episodic, they would be would have done it for a couple years level is passed away. Now I'm an expert. The only thing I'm an expert at his failure and have failed enough times that I have learned a couple things the hard way. I'm the kind of the Wiley Coyote of caregivers and and there's always an at Acme and that seems to be in my way and and it's just ever see those roadrunner commercials with the coyote, which is run off into space. A detergent looks of the capitals of the substance help and then plummets that's me and and that's my life that's my journey along the way. Though I've had the privilege of seeing God move in his hand in his provision, his grace and his mercy never understood concepts of Scripture that have anchored me so that I can look at some of these things now from the of a different perspective. You know, calm seas don't make great sailors and we as caregivers don't go through calm seas doing go through rough rough rough water so I went to develop the show it as we start off the new year.

I just wanted to give you little bit of history when I develop the show a purpose that I would do something different that I was not going to get out there just talk about nursing homes and durable medical equipment and in dealing with insurance companies and doctors alike and stuff I can do that all day long and never address the core needs of the caregiver. The core needs of the caregiver are are are are in the heart and and it reflects a sense of great loneliness, heartache, sadness, pain, sorrow, resentment, anger, despair, all of those things that are common to the chief of the human condition that is the human condition and we as caregivers don't feel anything differently than everybody else feels at some point in life we just feel it on a relentless basis. It doesn't seem to go away. It doesn't seem to get wheedling seem to get a reprieve and we have dark thoughts in an isolation and and we have despairing feelings and loneliness and so when you speak to a caregiver. You can can give them all kinds of verbiage you could say all kinds of things to caregiver but it if they don't understand if you're not if you not touching that place in their heart, then I can get it there. Not a care there like a sucker sucker register at all and those of you been doing as you know this is people done it to you and you're just looking at him with a blank look and they think they're depositing some great truth in your life and your mother said I had to go home and change an adult diaper from somebody cusses me out so into this situation when he wants to show nine years ago the Sonoma going to something different were to go to this Courtney's organist speak to caregivers in a way they can understand. I've been spending a lot of time watching documentaries and movies and so forth about guys in the Reformation and they were translating Scripture by John Wycliffe translated the Bible in English because he was so convinced that the common man needed to hear this, that the priest were manipulating people of the Catholic Church and they were they were the Roman church. They were they were manipulating people because they didn't know the Scriptures of the priest to say whatever they want or selling indulgences and they were giving the false teachings and Wycliffe came along and said no this is wrong were not to do this and I want to make sure these people could understand the word of God in their own language in the Roman Catholic Church was aghast by this, they were just latest flew off the handle and 40 years after his death that he was dead bones were dug up and they burned his bones. They scattered his ashes and in the in the water.

It was so mad at them.

And Luther comes along and he translates into German and again they just aghast about how dare you give the Scriptures to the common man, but that's the whole point of the gospel that it does go to the company to you and me so we can read in in our own lines we can understand it in our own language. Jesus condescended to us he became flesh, he became the this this corruptible flesh so that we could see God in a way we could understand whoever see me missing the father Jesus.

It and so I I I just want to be able to communicate to my fellow caregivers in a way they can understand in a way that that they can somehow wrap their minds around in the midst of their own journey, translating it, if you will end into caregiver so that you know in the midst of those very very lonely places. Those isolation moments that he was a caregiver are not cast-off that you are not alone. Yay though I walk to the valley of the shadow of death, that valley of the shadow of death sometimes can be a very long basis, I will fear no evil, for they would thou art this is over the care of a dispute arose among glad you caregiver.com. Having the right. Imagine appearing at the end of caring for special-needs child and that parent get a daily phone call from a caring person breaking to the isolation and checking in on that stress, mom of the stress that what kind of difference do you think that would make.

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I'm Gracie Rosenberger in 1983 I experienced a horrific car accident leading 80 surgeries in both legs and became it.

I questioned why God allowed something so brittle to happen to me. But over time I questions changed and I discovered courage to trust God that understanding along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs led me to establish standing with help more than a dozen years we been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people on a regular basis. We purchased ship equipment and supplies and with the help and inmates in a Tennessee prison. We also recycle parts from donated lambs. All of death is to point others to Christ. The source of my help and strength, please visit standing with help.com to learn more and participate in lifting others that standing without.com. I'm Gracie and I am staining with help back to hope for the caregiver here on American family radio. This is the nations them show for it was a family caregiver big shout out to Truth Network in his radio and all over feelings that carry the show. It's it's I never take for granted that you guys care the show that you guessing the value in what we do here, the family caregiver family caregivers are often the most overlooked demographic.

And everybody you will ask about the person in the wheelchair or whatever the love one, but the caregivers almost invisible. And so it's the fact that that there is a there are networks that are carried the show not just a station but networks caring is deeply meaningful to me that that that people see the value in what we do is caregivers and I am very grateful.

So this funerals brother my 35th year's caregiver and I love that song coming in from the staff and imperials way back from the album that I thought was just such a fabulous record of theirs and a Michael Marty and produce it record. I think back in 1987 on radios is just a such a great record but I love that song I'm forgiven and that brings me to my point something I'm about to also ask you to do is start the new year.

Okay, everyone of us is caregivers have been wounded is the human condition were wounded and were wounded. Specifically, our journey is caregivers. Everybody is wounded but is is a caregiver we get wounded specifically in our in our journey as a caregiver and it's hard to let go of some of those things it's hard to to release some of those things. The wounds are so deep that the from family members from your love one from friends who want to give you their opinion on your situation and they say things that are there cutting or hurtful or that they don't help you know and there's a lot of different ways we could be wound will be doing with those ones, and as Russ and imperials were saying on that unforgiven.

Now I have a reason for living. Jesus keeps giving. Give given to my heart overflows. Once we understand the forgiveness of God that was extended to us.

It better equips us to understand how to extend that to others. So as you launch this new year.

I'm asking to consider doing something for you as a character right down the the offenses and the heartache and the bitterness of these individuals who have hurt you. Writing to and be as specific as you want to be just right.

And as you finish that list of what you put your hand on and and and and and just simply say these words.

Lord I know these things so deeply in my soul and they hurt their painful and these are real ones, and I want to to lash out at times, but I also know the power of forgiveness because you what you've done for me. Simon sins amount offenses toward you, and I'm willing to take my hands off of their throat and trust that you will work this out and I want to give this to you and I want to walk in forgiveness with these people whether they best order not forgiveness doesn't mean that it was unimportant.

Okay please get that it it was important what happened you was important. Forgiveness doesn't mean it didn't matter. Forgiveness means you just can't take your hands off somebody else's throat that you're not going to you harbor and fantasize about this deep-seated seated retribution that you loved inflict on these people that you're going to extend what you have received as you face this new year.

There are plenty of offenses that you've received which are going to take your hands off of the throats of these people. That doesn't mean you have to be in fellowship with of that doesn't mean you have to hang around the buddy buddy adjust this it all done but it's okay no it's not okay. It's painful.

It hurts and you could have boundaries. In fact, I encouraged I recommended and I think they're imperative. Boundaries are very good but you will have to have bitterness. See the difference you have boundaries without bitterness and and III would encourage you to start this new year to the list. Maybe this is window just burn that list but this thing is going to come back at you but now you have a tangible way of recall.

Like you I burned. I gave that to God I wrote all those things out of the give it to God and Lord. I don't understand, and Lord III did I struggle with this, but I want to follow your word and forgive as I have been forgiven. I want to extend what I've received.

He gave grace freely to us and we can we can extend that to others not on a roll that you not obey him do this by yourself. I promise. But he's he's equipping you to do this and the more you focus on him with this, the more effective this will be for you.

You can walk in peace with it again.

You do not have to be buddy buddy with you. You don't have to be in a situation where you feel like you know you it's your sense of well-being at somebody else's of the year is your your life is forfeit because somebody else they're having a better life at your expense. That's not what I'm looking for here.

You're just trusting God to sort this out okay will you trust God to sorted out because he will veto and maybe not the way you wanted to. Fact is often not the way you wanted to, but it's always in the way he knows best and he'll get the glory for what what you get out of this you to live in peace.

You get to live with calmness that defies explanation. People will look at you and marvel in there, marveling at the Jesus in that's how we do it. It's not any more complicated than that, but I know I know I know I know some of you are so tort with bitterness that is physically affecting and you have hot tears in your eyes and your fist clenching your teeth grinding I get it. I know what been there done that got the T-shirt still struggle with that sometimes I think I will for the rest of my life. That's the human condition. And this is the part of of our journey is caregivers that doesn't get discussed very much but it's it's no different from any other journey. As believers, but it's just really compressed as a caregiver. In this sanctification journey is what's going on and things are being revealed in us that need to be dealt with in their in it.

The pressure on us is caregivers forces that stuff to the surface and amplifies it in ways that other people may have a longer period of life took to work through issues you and I don't really see our own crud pretty quickly. There's nothing like caring for somebody with string disabilities and needs to expose the gunk that's in your soul preaching to myself at that point could have seen it and I'm like in my own life and so we cry out to our Savior, because you know we we see this and it's it's it's ugly. It's unpleasant, but he knows, but he's was the most to deal with it and those of you who are caregiver somebody was a lot of surgeries we just talk to you for just a moment like a lot of medical issues you know this you sing this with wound care. You know the wounds are aware, wounds can be ugly, messy things you for the phrase an angry wound. What is it bring to mind what a red inflamed posse wound and and I've had to help irrigate things like that with my wife on her with what she has a lot of loom issues. She said the success of much trauma and and there were amputations as she said multiple limitations about flexibly. They had to keep go back and reworking the revisiting ticket will be more off a minister spin up. It's been a journey and sometimes we had to let the wounds heal over time, and I would have to dress those wounds. They were very complex dressings and you to do certain things with it.

It was it was messy and ugly but that's what it's like for us is caregivers in our own hearts. We have messy ugly wounds whose addressing these things and think about the pressure that builds up with all that inflammation and all that infection. That has to come out yet to get it out and think about the pressure that's on your soul for that, whose addressing this with you.

The first step is learning to deal with forgiveness and and letting go of some of these things the breeding it if you will. Those of you who won't stay wound care new nurses and doctors, medical technicians and so forth. Understand this, and those of you dealt with this particular dose of diabetes or whatever you have to do breed a wound.

You have to get the gunk out of their in the use often use a saline solution. The saline solution we use when we do with this is the forgiveness the work of the Holy Spirit clean that stuff out the debris that one. Maybe it's it's your your I've had a guy call the show. One time I may play the skull but I had a guy call the show. One time that it was father was an alcoholic, very ugly alcoholic but is a little kid just grew up in that environment and then his father, now is 57 years old. His father's had an accident, fall or something see if I can play if I that called play it with a it's it's he's had a any needs care but he still an alcoholic and he said every time around Scott, I feel I can that kid again and has a deep wound and he's got a carefully gathered treated so poorly. Some of you understand that some of you are caring for a family member who abused you when you were a kid, sometimes sexually and here you are in a situation where that family room needs care and you like God, please don't do this, that one is ugly is painful and it hurts it matters.

It matters to our Savior. Hear me on this.

It matters and he is redeeming.

This would you trust him to help you do breed it get that gunk out of their start was forgiveness. We trust we trust him with the don't trust me trust him with this is the process that he can do desires to be healthier, healthy caregivers make better bureaus. This is hopefully caring about going this is the joy of the Lord string that is wife Gracie and my staff diversity resume caregiver.com and get a copy that is click on the building but whatever's on your heart will send you that CD. Hopefully caregiver.come. We talked about things to do is you as you approach the new year and the first thing I like you do is is is consider calling your doctor to schedule appointment to to CD your own health justice get get a check, get a physical and secondly we talked about was forgiveness, letting go of certain things, letting letting work of God, the forgiveness of God extended to you the work of the Holy Spirit clean these things out and you there things in your life right now that are prohibiting healing a try. I told you try to find that call and I want to play this for you right now just to give you an idea of some of the wounds it can go on billet Indiana good morning are you feeling pretty good.

Good morning.

Well what's what's going on with nearly 50. And my dad who was 75 and I've had a tumultuous relationship. My whole entire life. I was pretty young when I was been diagnosed with what her body called OCD. Now, and it was in response to his alcoholism in the way he treated my mom and and I kind of stop and got out and I'm not the only person that that deals with trying to be perfect so that you don't get yelled at and is been this way.

Marcus eyeballed her life and about a year ago I decided I was done dealing with him.

I just couldn't take it anymore from him call me at one great but year ago I just finally decided after that calls at work in you and be in a drunken state, and the things he would say accuse me about that.and I talked into the couple times and then missed last July he fell and hit his head and but he was completely inebriated when he fell. So when he went to the hospital.

They kinda ran through my camping.

The medicine I gave them to help them through withdrawals and everything when he came out of it. He has not.

He can't swallow very well as the swallowing mechanism is not working and Stephanie swallow gets into his lungs without a peg. And I really pray that a fantastic life. Great church and I had prayed you. Maybe I need to stay with dad he finally got come home from a notional butanol woman Arsenault from the middle of July till the middle of October and it still dealing you know it it's his house. It's almost like I'm nine years old again and he can he can take care of himself somewhat but he scared to be by himself and there is so much stuff that happen in life and I'm always afraid to confront him about because it is like offenders like I'm nine years old 10 years old and I just was looking for anything advise the book something to help me over the spirit talk to him as they you know the reason you driven your two wives away and your family ways because of the Jekyll and Hyde deal with your alcoholism. We need to call what it is and and I I just can't take me in and obliterated anymore I guess is the next let's start right there… That's our starting point. The first step is to get you away from being nine years old you 52 so you not nine years old and you are not in any way bound to this this man's disease and his behavior. Unfortunately, this that's with this disease does it disorient you and makes you think that you are so we want to help you detach from that as best as possible. There places you go for that Al-Anon is I would highly recommend you go into an Al-Anon meeting. Are you familiar with Al-Anon. I'd heard of it that are all member Veronica Mendel don't don't go there with any expectations other than there's a group of people who were dealing with the same stuff that meet in anonymity and they deal with the same things that you're dealing with with the family member who has an addiction issue and you can hear your story come out of somebody else's mouth and that's where you start because the principles that you can learn that will help you detach from your father's disease you don't. I can't shame your father or argue your father or reason with your father into recovery. He's gotta do that himself. What you can do is learn for you to live more healthily in this and and that's the goal. You didn't you didn't cause this.

You can't fix it okay that that that that's where your your power.

Stop at that at the end of what you can do all you can do is be in control of Bill not in control of your father or his recovery or his demise, he may not make it. Bill but you have to you got you got a family that's counting on you to not be nine years old to be 52 years old your fathers made his choices. He's got his life. He's got his thing going on, he's in a place now where people are starting to see what is happened to him.

He may not make it, but you have to it. And those are hard words. Those are hard words Bill and I don't mean them to be anything other than what they are because it's blunt force truth, but that's sometimes that's what we as caregivers need in the midst of our craziness is that blunt force truth. You have spent a lifetime being a slave to your father's disease and it will, it will affect you for the rest your life and your children so this is your time now to step in to this and say you know what, no more no more.

I'm going to go on a path of recovery for myself, no matter what happens to my father did the best I can to care for, but I am not obligated to fix him to save him.

He has a Savior look at the what. Here's what I do look down at your hands if you don't see nail prints this Rangers to fix. You know you know he has a Savior. You wait that Savior and and that's that. Your starting point. Drill is okay.

What is my responsibility honoring your father does not mean honoring his disease and it's hard because it looks like is the same person but it is not underneath all this dysfunction is your dad. The man you want to honor and you can but you do not have to honor alcoholism. What you have to do is back away from that so that you can be healthy no matter what he's doing when you go home to your wife and your kids after being with your dad. They don't need to have a nine-year-old walk in the house that life you might really hard try to figure out where I draw the line and I get to be maybe the second part of question is as far as just confronting him and planting a bad here's the deal. Here's the whole situation is that something should come point. Should that come to you can, but not right now, not right now. You not in a place where your your you have the vocabulary or the strength to do that on your own. You can get there and that's why working a good recovery program for yourself is going to help if you if you're dealing with something you can't control and you're struggling with that. That's a place because that's what the whole point is is to learn how to come to grips with this sitdown with your pastor. Sit down with a counselor I would recommend getting a counselor involved with you at this point Bill. There are lots of resources out there that you can go to that that will take that will strengthen you and give you the vocabulary of do this you don't have the toolbelt right now you know it beeped to be basically like you going out there and try to build something with with only a screwdriver just don't know I don't have really good tabular and so but but you know what world to pull together with you and help you get the vocabulary and you can do this and your family will have the vocabulary and they'll know how to minister to you and know what's going on with you and you and your wife will be able to be able to that she should be able to better understand what's going on with you and why that nine-year-old kid seems to emerge all the time in the face of this in your and your children with the same weight this. This is there is a recovery path for you on this. That's work, but you're not afraid to work and it's good it's it's good work Bill. It's it's it's a way of you reclaiming that which was stolen from you by this terrible disease.

This disease has more than one victim and an you can move through this and that this is this is what God can and will do through your life when you trust with this that is GoToMeeting. Your learning is a different set of skills and and words and so forth. That's okay. But know this thing will it will disorient you. It will take you down to some dark places and in you've Artie been there. You're not responsible for your dad's destruction, you're just not, he's a grown man who's made his own grown man decisions and at some point you can see where God keep God's even interested in him and helping him get to a place of recovery to God is and abandon them right but but but but but alcoholics you got it all, but you gotta step away from this and let them spiral out of control until they get to the point where they want help more than they want alcohol. Alcohol is not his problem that his idea of medication right whatever's going on in him. He's numbing that with alcohol, even if the if you get sobered up and never drinks another drop for the rest of his life he still got a deal with the inner turmoil of what was going on his life that led into that place. So this is a long, long, long journey that he may or may not be able to make.

Now these in physical bad situation here. So your your challenges is to detach from this so that not not separate. Just attach so that you are focused on the healthiest bill that you can be that that's that that's the goal.

And and and for you and your family that this thing stops now for your children say for your wife's sake, for your sake that that that certainly does and their domain conduct out like I'm the one I went up not knowing what to do. I know there's no way to talk to him about get upset I thought my driving and heard your show.

I thought you know you can have some have an idea what I should do next because I can't. I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I really appreciate you taking the time to talk will bill this is why would you want to do the show and I when I'm preaching to myself here because they some real quick that they got go with.

I can't argue with my wife's if you Tatian legs are going to argue with that. I can't reason I accepted that a me not to like just have to accept. Acceptance is not agreement is just acceptance of this is the reality reality is your father's and alcohol and he has taken everybody that's in his orbit into a bad place with that success, like you have to accept it in order for us to be able to say okay here it is what it is. Let's get to the places they may not make you have built at least listen to the show calling runtime. Happy new year, hey this is John Butler producer, hopefully caregiver and I have learned something that probably all know that Gracie, his wife lost her legs many many years ago and started a prosthetic limb outreach ministry called standing with hope and recently they ended up with a rather unique and unexpected partner, Peter had a conversation with Gracie and Nicholas Gracie. When you envision doing a prosthetic limb outreach. Did you ever think that inmates would help you do that, not in a million years. When you go to the facility run by core civic over Nashville and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all of the country that you put out the plea for and their disassembly sell these legs like what you have your own prosody and arms and orange everything when you see all this. What is the duty you makes me cry because I see the smiles on their faces and I know I know what it is to be locked someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out course, being in the hospital so much and so long and so that these men are so glad that they get to be doing as as one man said something good family with my hands. Did you know before you became an amputee that parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled. Now I had no idea and I thought a peg leg. I thought of wooden legs. I never thought of titanium and carbon legs and flex fate. The legs and all that. I never thought about that as you watch these inmates participate in something like this, knowing that there there helping other people.

Now walk there, providing the means for the supplies to get over there, what does that do to you. Just on the heart level.

I wish I could explain to the world. What I see in here and I wish that I could be able to go and say the this guy right here Denise go to Africa with that. I never not feel that way out every time you know you always make me have to leave. I don't want to leave them. II feel like I'm at home with them and I feel like that we have a common bond that would've never expected that only God could put together. Now that you've had experience with it what you think of the faith-based programs.

The core civic offers. I think they're just absolutely awesome and I think every prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because the return rate of the man that are involved in this particular faith-based program and other ones like it, but I know about this one are. It is just an amazingly low rate compared to those who don't happen and I think that that says so much that doesn't have anything to do with me just has something to do with God using somebody broken to help other broken people. If people want to donate or use prosthetic limbs, whether from a loved one who passed away or you know somebody well groomed. You've donated some of your own for the to do, how to how they do that please go to standing with hope.com/recycle staining with hope.com/recycle X grace